Recovery’s Uneven Path: Setbacks, HOPE after Narcissistic Abuse (Skopje Seminar, Day 2, Lecture 3)

Summary

Recovering from narcissistic abuse is akin to regaining lost physical and psychological faculties after severe trauma. Victims often find themselves regressed to infancy, needing to rebuild their relationship with their body and mind piece by piece. By fostering attention, regulation, and protection of the body, shedding victimhood mentality, and cultivating authenticity, positivity, and mindfulness in the mind, survivors can embark on a transformative path toward healing. This holistic approach empowers victims to become allies with their bodies and minds, reclaim their identities, and ultimately break free from the cycles of abuse and victimization. Recovery’s Uneven Path: Setbacks, HOPE after Narcissistic Abuse (Skopje Seminar, Day 2, Lecture 3)

Abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Sam Vaknin, Trauma, Vaknin, Vaknin Summaries

February 7, 2026

Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Recovery’s Uneven Path: Setbacks, HOPE after Narcissistic Abuse (Skopje Seminar, Day 2, Lecture 3)

00:21 Albert Einstein said that there are two infinite things, the universe and human stupidity. And he is not quite sure about the universe. I am not impressed with human stupidity. However, I am impressed with human mazokism. Here you are. It is sunny outside. It’s wonderful. You could be strolling and having fun and instead you’re here. Why do you do this to yourself? It’s a seminar about healing. Heal yourself. Heal yourself. Don’t kill yourself. Okay. No limit to human mazism and a Albert Einstein said that there are two infinite things, the universe and human stupidity. And he is not quite sure about the universe. I am not impressed with human stupidity. However, I am impressed with human mazokism. Here you are. It is sunny outside. It’s wonderful. You could be strolling and having fun and instead you’re here. Why do you do this to yourself? It’s a seminar about healing. Heal yourself. Heal yourself. Don’t kill yourself. Okay. No limit to human mazism and a
01:00 proper human mazism. Victims of abuse in uh in general and victims of narcissistic abuse in particular suffer from myriad bodily symptoms, corporeal symptoms. First and foremost of which is sleep disorders and a variety of somatic symptoms which we’ll discuss. But sleep is a very strong indicator that something is wrong. Okay. Sleep disorder is a very strong indicator that something is wrong. It could be in insomnia. It could be the opposite. Sleeping, sleeping too much. It could be inability to fall asleep. It could be proper human mazism. Victims of abuse in uh in general and victims of narcissistic abuse in particular suffer from myriad bodily symptoms, corporeal symptoms. First and foremost of which is sleep disorders and a variety of somatic symptoms which we’ll discuss. But sleep is a very strong indicator that something is wrong. Okay. Sleep disorder is a very strong indicator that something is wrong. It could be in insomnia. It could be the opposite. Sleeping, sleeping too much. It could be inability to fall asleep. It could be
01:44 inability to fall asleep after you wake up. There’s a variety of sleeping. But sleep is a major indicator of um of something something that’s gonna something that’s that’s not okay. There is somatization or what used to be known as somatization disorder. Somatic symptom disorder is the clinical term nowadays. Somatform and somatization disorders they describe situations in which the body keeps the score to borrow from vandulk. Uh when the body converts psychological processes and or psychological inability to fall asleep after you wake up. There’s a variety of sleeping. But sleep is a major indicator of um of something something that’s gonna something that’s that’s not okay. There is somatization or what used to be known as somatization disorder. Somatic symptom disorder is the clinical term nowadays. Somatform and somatization disorders they describe situations in which the body keeps the score to borrow from vandulk. Uh when the body converts psychological processes and or psychological
02:24 constructs and or psychological internal objects including memories, anything imbued with the metaphorical psychic energy, anything affected converts these the body converts these into bodily symptoms. Now it used to be called during the days of Ziggman Freud it used to be called conversion disorder or conversion symptoms. It’s when the body converted uh unpleasant unacceptable self-rejected information including memories converted these into some bodily manifestation. Actually, hysteria, the aforementioned hysteria constructs and or psychological internal objects including memories, anything imbued with the metaphorical psychic energy, anything affected converts these the body converts these into bodily symptoms. Now it used to be called during the days of Ziggman Freud it used to be called conversion disorder or conversion symptoms. It’s when the body converted uh unpleasant unacceptable self-rejected information including memories converted these into some bodily manifestation. Actually, hysteria, the aforementioned hysteria
03:05 was considered to be the ultimate the Jaguar or the Mercedes of conversion symptoms. Like if you had hysteria, you were the uber converter. You were converting almost everything into bodily manifestations or bodily expressions. Yeah, it could it could be anything by the way. It could be skin, something with the skin, dermatological problems like a rash or hives or whatever. It could be um paralysis. Paralysis was pretty is pretty common. It could be um disregulation of some body bodily processes such as for example was considered to be the ultimate the Jaguar or the Mercedes of conversion symptoms. Like if you had hysteria, you were the uber converter. You were converting almost everything into bodily manifestations or bodily expressions. Yeah, it could it could be anything by the way. It could be skin, something with the skin, dermatological problems like a rash or hives or whatever. It could be um paralysis. Paralysis was pretty is pretty common. It could be um disregulation of some body bodily processes such as for example
03:46 gastrointestinal gastrointestinal symptoms are very common. They’re all known as somatization or somatization disorder. They all include somatic symptoms and the totality is known as somatic symptom disorder. We no longer use the term somatform disorder. It’s out of favor. In psychology, we like to rename things because it gives the illusion of progress. Okay. Now, many of these disorders are motoric. They impede and impair and limit or constrict movement. The movement could be of the hands, of gastrointestinal gastrointestinal symptoms are very common. They’re all known as somatization or somatization disorder. They all include somatic symptoms and the totality is known as somatic symptom disorder. We no longer use the term somatform disorder. It’s out of favor. In psychology, we like to rename things because it gives the illusion of progress. Okay. Now, many of these disorders are motoric. They impede and impair and limit or constrict movement. The movement could be of the hands, of
04:00 . What? We haven’t finished. There’s another there’s another lecture. Sorry. Yeah.
04:24 the legs, of the totality of the body even up to the point of complete paralysis which has been documented hundreds if not thousands of times starting in the in 1900 1899 actually. So motor motor conversion symptoms uh very common sensory conversion symptoms the loss of a sense of smell or smelling specific smells like smoke or feces or worse. So sensory um seeing things, hearing things, not hallucinations, hallucinations something completely different but a distortion of inputs distortion of what we call sensor the legs, of the totality of the body even up to the point of complete paralysis which has been documented hundreds if not thousands of times starting in the in 1900 1899 actually. So motor motor conversion symptoms uh very common sensory conversion symptoms the loss of a sense of smell or smelling specific smells like smoke or feces or worse. So sensory um seeing things, hearing things, not hallucinations, hallucinations something completely different but a distortion of inputs distortion of what we call sensor
05:05 sensory inputs. all kinds of misperception of sensory inputs. These are sensory conversion symptoms also conversion symptoms can reflect the underlying process. So for example, blindness induced blindness can follow if you saw something you witness something that is uh disastrous that is very harrowing that is terrifying that then maybe you would go blind temporarily as a transient form of protection. So this is a sensory conversion symptom. Um we have many many dissociative neurological symptoms to the point that sensory inputs. all kinds of misperception of sensory inputs. These are sensory conversion symptoms also conversion symptoms can reflect the underlying process. So for example, blindness induced blindness can follow if you saw something you witness something that is uh disastrous that is very harrowing that is terrifying that then maybe you would go blind temporarily as a transient form of protection. So this is a sensory conversion symptom. Um we have many many dissociative neurological symptoms to the point that
05:46 we have a disorder called dissociative neurological symptom disorder DNSD. And we have also uh actual neurological symptoms not dissociative but actual. So the nerve system, anything from the central nervous system to the peripheral nervous system, autonomous, sympathetic, any type of nervous system misbehaves in a variety of ways. Too many to count. Too many to count. And there is this overarching, there are two overarching diagnosis for this, functional neurological symptom disorder and dissociative neurological symptom we have a disorder called dissociative neurological symptom disorder DNSD. And we have also uh actual neurological symptoms not dissociative but actual. So the nerve system, anything from the central nervous system to the peripheral nervous system, autonomous, sympathetic, any type of nervous system misbehaves in a variety of ways. Too many to count. Too many to count. And there is this overarching, there are two overarching diagnosis for this, functional neurological symptom disorder and dissociative neurological symptom
06:21 disorder. You can find them in the DSM where they should where they do not belong because they’re essentially medical. But okay, ultimately the umbrella term, the umbrella term for all this is body distress disorder. That’s how we in current literature, in current scholarly discourse, that’s how we refer to all these everything I’ve just mentioned. It’s a bodily distress. It’s a call for help. It’s a form of signaling. what you cannot verbalize, what you cannot contemplate, what you cannot disorder. You can find them in the DSM where they should where they do not belong because they’re essentially medical. But okay, ultimately the umbrella term, the umbrella term for all this is body distress disorder. That’s how we in current literature, in current scholarly discourse, that’s how we refer to all these everything I’ve just mentioned. It’s a bodily distress. It’s a call for help. It’s a form of signaling. what you cannot verbalize, what you cannot contemplate, what you cannot
06:54 think of, what you cannot imagine, what you cannot recall because it’s too threatening, it’s too destabilizing, it’s too terrifying. Your body does the work for you. Your body speaks for you. It’s your spokesperson and your body then decides how to convert, how to convert the data, how to convert the information. Sometimes the conversion is symbolic. As I mentioned, you saw something and you go blind. That’s a conversion symptom. It’s it’s like it’s as if you’re saying, “What I think of, what you cannot imagine, what you cannot recall because it’s too threatening, it’s too destabilizing, it’s too terrifying. Your body does the work for you. Your body speaks for you. It’s your spokesperson and your body then decides how to convert, how to convert the data, how to convert the information. Sometimes the conversion is symbolic. As I mentioned, you saw something and you go blind. That’s a conversion symptom. It’s it’s like it’s as if you’re saying, “What I
07:25 saw was so awful, so horrible that I don’t want ever to take the chance of seeing something again, so I go blind.” Um, other possibilities is that you did something and then your hand gets paralyzed. That is that has been documented by Ziggman Freud in several cases and much later by others. your hand gets paralyzed. And by the way, in the Bible, there is a curse. May your hand go dry, you know, like the dry hand. It’s actually a conversion symptom. If you’re a sinner, your hand saw was so awful, so horrible that I don’t want ever to take the chance of seeing something again, so I go blind.” Um, other possibilities is that you did something and then your hand gets paralyzed. That is that has been documented by Ziggman Freud in several cases and much later by others. your hand gets paralyzed. And by the way, in the Bible, there is a curse. May your hand go dry, you know, like the dry hand. It’s actually a conversion symptom. If you’re a sinner, your hand
07:56 will go dry. Although most sinners, I think, use other parts of the anatomy, but okay. So, and that part of the anatomy never goes dry. So we recognize from very early on uh conversion symptoms in Edipus Rex. There is a Terresius the the blind prophet who actually sees better than any seeing person and he is blind because essentially of a conversion symptoms. Go read go read the the play. But I’m I’ve gone a bit in depth into all this to demonstrate to you that if you have experienced abuse will go dry. Although most sinners, I think, use other parts of the anatomy, but okay. So, and that part of the anatomy never goes dry. So we recognize from very early on uh conversion symptoms in Edipus Rex. There is a Terresius the the blind prophet who actually sees better than any seeing person and he is blind because essentially of a conversion symptoms. Go read go read the the play. But I’m I’ve gone a bit in depth into all this to demonstrate to you that if you have experienced abuse
08:41 and something is happening in your body, it is as likely to be the outcome of the abuse as it is likely to be a true medical condition, true blue medical condition. So when something goes wrong in the wake of abuse, you should investigate in order to eliminate a psychoggenic uh ethiology. In other words, you should investigate whether what’s happening in your body is actually an expression of your psychology rather than a true medical condition. You should of course investigate a true medical condition. and something is happening in your body, it is as likely to be the outcome of the abuse as it is likely to be a true medical condition, true blue medical condition. So when something goes wrong in the wake of abuse, you should investigate in order to eliminate a psychoggenic uh ethiology. In other words, you should investigate whether what’s happening in your body is actually an expression of your psychology rather than a true medical condition. You should of course investigate a true medical condition.
09:14 You should investigate the medical aspect but never neglect the psychological aspect. And this is something that many medical doctors fail to do because medical doctors are reductionists. They don’t see you as a human being. They see you as a liver or a lung or a heart. There’s no holistic approach to medication. It vanished basically all over especially in the west. I was lucky enough to study my professors of medicine were were Russian. So there were Russian Jews who came to Israel in the 70s. So I was You should investigate the medical aspect but never neglect the psychological aspect. And this is something that many medical doctors fail to do because medical doctors are reductionists. They don’t see you as a human being. They see you as a liver or a lung or a heart. There’s no holistic approach to medication. It vanished basically all over especially in the west. I was lucky enough to study my professors of medicine were were Russian. So there were Russian Jews who came to Israel in the 70s. So I was
09:46 lucky to study under holistic professors. Professors who told me the first thing you should do you should ask the person if they had sex yesterday, if they’re happy, if what they’ve eaten, where they’ve gone, how long ago did they have a vacation and so on so forth. And only then they said you should begin to investigate the body because by asking these questions you eliminate 90% of the of the diagnosis. You eliminate 90% of the cases. So there’s no holistic approach in in medicine today nowadays. And yet the lucky to study under holistic professors. Professors who told me the first thing you should do you should ask the person if they had sex yesterday, if they’re happy, if what they’ve eaten, where they’ve gone, how long ago did they have a vacation and so on so forth. And only then they said you should begin to investigate the body because by asking these questions you eliminate 90% of the of the diagnosis. You eliminate 90% of the cases. So there’s no holistic approach in in medicine today nowadays. And yet the
10:20 victims of abuse and especially narcissistic abuse which is life-threatening in almost every respect or at least identity threatening they they have a monopoly. They have a plethora of manifestations bodily manifestations and you would do well to investigate them. I mentioned that I mentioned that the first thing we should focus on is the body when we try to heal and recover. And within the body there are three aspects that we should focus on. Attention, regulation and protection. You should pay attention to your body. victims of abuse and especially narcissistic abuse which is life-threatening in almost every respect or at least identity threatening they they have a monopoly. They have a plethora of manifestations bodily manifestations and you would do well to investigate them. I mentioned that I mentioned that the first thing we should focus on is the body when we try to heal and recover. And within the body there are three aspects that we should focus on. Attention, regulation and protection. You should pay attention to your body.
10:57 You should regularly talk to your body. You should monitor your body. You should compare data across time. Longitudinal. You should have a longitudinal aspect of your body across time. You should be alert and attuned to the way your body is changing. It’s trying to talk to you. It’s trying to inform you of something. This is you need to pay attention and you need to selfmpathize. You need to empathize with yourself. The same way we empathize with other people. When you empathize with yourself, you are more You should regularly talk to your body. You should monitor your body. You should compare data across time. Longitudinal. You should have a longitudinal aspect of your body across time. You should be alert and attuned to the way your body is changing. It’s trying to talk to you. It’s trying to inform you of something. This is you need to pay attention and you need to selfmpathize. You need to empathize with yourself. The same way we empathize with other people. When you empathize with yourself, you are more
11:27 attuned to what’s happening to you and you’re more able to find connections. And of course that’s the first step towards healing. Um it’s an alliance. You should regard your body as an ally, not as an enemy. It’s very very easy to regard your body as an enemy when you have a chronic condition, when you have a disease, when you have a wound, you’re angry at your body. Even if you don’t admit it, even if you don’t realize it, even if it’s unconscious, you’re angry at your body. attuned to what’s happening to you and you’re more able to find connections. And of course that’s the first step towards healing. Um it’s an alliance. You should regard your body as an ally, not as an enemy. It’s very very easy to regard your body as an enemy when you have a chronic condition, when you have a disease, when you have a wound, you’re angry at your body. Even if you don’t admit it, even if you don’t realize it, even if it’s unconscious, you’re angry at your body.
11:56 Your body is betraying you. Body is supposed to never go never go wrong. Your body is supposed to always function and here it is. Here it is compromising you. Here it is attacking you. Here it is not giving you what you deserve. It’s very childish. The relationship with the body is the first relationship we have not with mother with the body. The first relationship we have the first second we are born is a relationship with our bodies. And so we learn that this relationship with the body underlies Your body is betraying you. Body is supposed to never go never go wrong. Your body is supposed to always function and here it is. Here it is compromising you. Here it is attacking you. Here it is not giving you what you deserve. It’s very childish. The relationship with the body is the first relationship we have not with mother with the body. The first relationship we have the first second we are born is a relationship with our bodies. And so we learn that this relationship with the body underlies
12:26 everything else and should never go, should never go wrong. And then when it does go wrong, we’re angry the way babies are angry when they are frustrated. It’s a reaction of frustration and we tend to alienate the body. We feel estranged. Estrangement is a clinical term. Arangement is when you feel uncomfortable inside your body. When you feel that your body is a stranger. That’s why we call it estrangement. Arangement happens also in extreme conditions, extreme stress which leads for example to dissociation and so everything else and should never go, should never go wrong. And then when it does go wrong, we’re angry the way babies are angry when they are frustrated. It’s a reaction of frustration and we tend to alienate the body. We feel estranged. Estrangement is a clinical term. Arangement is when you feel uncomfortable inside your body. When you feel that your body is a stranger. That’s why we call it estrangement. Arangement happens also in extreme conditions, extreme stress which leads for example to dissociation and so
13:00 on. Borderline people with borderline personality disorder experience estrangement very often. People with psychotic disorders experience estrangement very often. Arangement is also a dissociative uh disorder. Depersonalization is a form of estrangement. So what I’m trying to tell you is your body is not your enemy. When your body goes wrong, it’s either because you’re doing something wrong or because it’s trying to tell you something. It’s trying to tell you something and you need to strike, you on. Borderline people with borderline personality disorder experience estrangement very often. People with psychotic disorders experience estrangement very often. Arangement is also a dissociative uh disorder. Depersonalization is a form of estrangement. So what I’m trying to tell you is your body is not your enemy. When your body goes wrong, it’s either because you’re doing something wrong or because it’s trying to tell you something. It’s trying to tell you something and you need to strike, you
13:33 need to strike an alliance with your body. You need to be allies and your common enemy is the abuse. Your common enemy is a disease. Your common enemy is, you know, but you are friends with your body. This your body has your back. And victims of narcissistic abuse very often are angry. They have what we call diffuse anger. They’re angry. They cannot take it out of the narcissist. So they displace the anger. They displace the anger and they become angry at themselves. Rather than be angry at the narcissist need to strike an alliance with your body. You need to be allies and your common enemy is the abuse. Your common enemy is a disease. Your common enemy is, you know, but you are friends with your body. This your body has your back. And victims of narcissistic abuse very often are angry. They have what we call diffuse anger. They’re angry. They cannot take it out of the narcissist. So they displace the anger. They displace the anger and they become angry at themselves. Rather than be angry at the narcissist
14:07 who is not there, who is not available and couldn’t care less, they redirect the anger. They internalize the anger at themselves. They become angry at their bodies. They become angry at their dysfunctions. They become angry at their decisions. They become so they become self-disparaging. They reject themselves. And this is known as autolastic defenses. It’s unhealthy. Of course, if you ignore your body, you ignore your body at your peril. So attention is the first element. The second element is regulation. You need who is not there, who is not available and couldn’t care less, they redirect the anger. They internalize the anger at themselves. They become angry at their bodies. They become angry at their dysfunctions. They become angry at their decisions. They become so they become self-disparaging. They reject themselves. And this is known as autolastic defenses. It’s unhealthy. Of course, if you ignore your body, you ignore your body at your peril. So attention is the first element. The second element is regulation. You need
14:39 to be in control. You need to reestablish an internal locus of control. So you need to you need to accept or you need to acknowledge or you need to to claim that you are in charge. You are the master. You are the master of everything that’s happening to your body. If necessary, you can use techniques such as imagery. You can use imagery. You can use other techniques. For example, the techniques technique used in EMDR is eye movement to allegedly cohhere or synchronize hemispheres in the brain. to be in control. You need to reestablish an internal locus of control. So you need to you need to accept or you need to acknowledge or you need to to claim that you are in charge. You are the master. You are the master of everything that’s happening to your body. If necessary, you can use techniques such as imagery. You can use imagery. You can use other techniques. For example, the techniques technique used in EMDR is eye movement to allegedly cohhere or synchronize hemispheres in the brain.
15:13 No one knows if it’s a placebo effect or if it’s really working, but EMDR is is pretty effective actually. Among treatment modalities, EMDR is one of the five most effective therapies. It’s it looks completely idiotic, by the way, but it’s working. And I think it’s working because it forces you to reestablish contact with your body. The EMDR forces you to think about your body, to conceptualize your body, to create imagery of your body, and then to manipulate your body. It’s one element No one knows if it’s a placebo effect or if it’s really working, but EMDR is is pretty effective actually. Among treatment modalities, EMDR is one of the five most effective therapies. It’s it looks completely idiotic, by the way, but it’s working. And I think it’s working because it forces you to reestablish contact with your body. The EMDR forces you to think about your body, to conceptualize your body, to create imagery of your body, and then to manipulate your body. It’s one element
15:50 of your body, one part of the anatomy, but you at least are in control of that part. And so I think the placebo effects of EMDR are as important as any alleged hemispheric interconnectivity. But it doesn’t matter because the idea is right. the the direction the orientation is completely correct. We need to master the body if necessary via imagery and we need to to treat the body the way a parent would treat the child. Ultimately our bodies are dependent on us. Ultimately our bodies are helpless of your body, one part of the anatomy, but you at least are in control of that part. And so I think the placebo effects of EMDR are as important as any alleged hemispheric interconnectivity. But it doesn’t matter because the idea is right. the the direction the orientation is completely correct. We need to master the body if necessary via imagery and we need to to treat the body the way a parent would treat the child. Ultimately our bodies are dependent on us. Ultimately our bodies are helpless
16:26 without us. Ultimately we can do anything we wish to our bodies. We can self- amputate. We can commit suicide. We can our bodies are at our mercy. There’s only one other situation which is like that a child a newborn when there is a newborn that newborn is completely dependent on you. You can do anything you want to this newborn. There’s no push back. There’s no the the newborn is helpless and so on. Your body is exactly the same. It’s exactly the same. Think about it for a minute. It’s without us. Ultimately we can do anything we wish to our bodies. We can self- amputate. We can commit suicide. We can our bodies are at our mercy. There’s only one other situation which is like that a child a newborn when there is a newborn that newborn is completely dependent on you. You can do anything you want to this newborn. There’s no push back. There’s no the the newborn is helpless and so on. Your body is exactly the same. It’s exactly the same. Think about it for a minute. It’s
16:57 exactly the same. So your body is your baby and you need to develop a parental relationship with the body, a relationship of custodianship, of guardianship, a relationship of protection and care and a commitment to compassionate companionship and observation and monitoring and disciplining. Absolutely disciplining as well the way a parent would discipline the child. This reconception of the body as a child is very I found it very very helpful because it establishes strict behavioral parameters which are very exactly the same. So your body is your baby and you need to develop a parental relationship with the body, a relationship of custodianship, of guardianship, a relationship of protection and care and a commitment to compassionate companionship and observation and monitoring and disciplining. Absolutely disciplining as well the way a parent would discipline the child. This reconception of the body as a child is very I found it very very helpful because it establishes strict behavioral parameters which are very
17:34 very useful and very helpful and very healthy. Ultimately regulation involves signaling. You’re signaling something to your body. Your body is signaling back. There’s a lot of communication taking place. Unfortunately in in the modern world, in the postmodern world, we suppress this communication, we ignore it, we reframe it, we mock it, we ridicule it, we there is an aversion to body in the when if you were to go back to ancient Greece, if you were to go back to the Renaissance, Renaissance not not very useful and very helpful and very healthy. Ultimately regulation involves signaling. You’re signaling something to your body. Your body is signaling back. There’s a lot of communication taking place. Unfortunately in in the modern world, in the postmodern world, we suppress this communication, we ignore it, we reframe it, we mock it, we ridicule it, we there is an aversion to body in the when if you were to go back to ancient Greece, if you were to go back to the Renaissance, Renaissance not not
18:10 long ago, that’s 400 500 years ago, the body was central, very central In ancient Greece, the body was it. The mind was secondary. It’s not, you know, in ancient Greece, in the Renaissance, the emphasis was on the body. Leonardo da Vinci did not paint minds. He painted bodies. And you know so the emphasis on the body and then what happened in the enlightenment in the enlightenment starting in the 17th century in Europe and only in Europe there was a transition from the body which was considered to be animalistic. long ago, that’s 400 500 years ago, the body was central, very central In ancient Greece, the body was it. The mind was secondary. It’s not, you know, in ancient Greece, in the Renaissance, the emphasis was on the body. Leonardo da Vinci did not paint minds. He painted bodies. And you know so the emphasis on the body and then what happened in the enlightenment in the enlightenment starting in the 17th century in Europe and only in Europe there was a transition from the body which was considered to be animalistic.
18:48 Animals have bodies you know and we are not animals. We are superior to animals. The power of the intellect, the power of intelligence, the power of science, the power of discovery that separates us from animals. Anything that has to do with animals has to be suppressed, has to be mocked, has to be put down, has to be ignored. The body. Now we have had a period like that in human history when the church disparaged sex because the church said that sex is sinful because it actually renders us bestial rendered Animals have bodies you know and we are not animals. We are superior to animals. The power of the intellect, the power of intelligence, the power of science, the power of discovery that separates us from animals. Anything that has to do with animals has to be suppressed, has to be mocked, has to be put down, has to be ignored. The body. Now we have had a period like that in human history when the church disparaged sex because the church said that sex is sinful because it actually renders us bestial rendered
19:23 us renders us animalistic. Anytime we reject the body, it is a major risk that we’re assuming as a species and as individuals. And we are living in a period of utter rejection of the body. I know you all go to a gym and exercise two hours a day or two hours a week and you all eat healthy and you think that this is your is fulfilling your obligation to the body and the rest of the time you live inside your minds not inside your bodies. The rest of the time you have no connection with your body whatsoever. us renders us animalistic. Anytime we reject the body, it is a major risk that we’re assuming as a species and as individuals. And we are living in a period of utter rejection of the body. I know you all go to a gym and exercise two hours a day or two hours a week and you all eat healthy and you think that this is your is fulfilling your obligation to the body and the rest of the time you live inside your minds not inside your bodies. The rest of the time you have no connection with your body whatsoever.
20:02 When you watch a movie it has nothing to do with your body. When you read a book it has nothing to do with your body. When you surf the internet, there’s nothing to do with your body. None of these things have anything to do with your body. And that’s how you spend most of your time. People under the age of 25 play video games 6 and a half hours a day. A day. That’s not body. That’s antibbody. So we have divorced our bodies. And one of the reasons we are not resilient, one of the reasons we succumb to so so easily When you watch a movie it has nothing to do with your body. When you read a book it has nothing to do with your body. When you surf the internet, there’s nothing to do with your body. None of these things have anything to do with your body. And that’s how you spend most of your time. People under the age of 25 play video games 6 and a half hours a day. A day. That’s not body. That’s antibbody. So we have divorced our bodies. And one of the reasons we are not resilient, one of the reasons we succumb to so so easily
20:35 to trauma and abuse and wicked people and corrupt politicians and what have you. One of the ways we have become so weak and submissive and is because we don’t have a bo we are bodyless. We are disembodied. We are disembodied. Body is very important thing. It grounds you. gives you strength, source of power and we all neglect the body and I’m the last one to give you a lecture to Hector. Yes, I I am 99% brain. Not even brain. Mind brain is too much body for me. Mind the last element when we discuss the to trauma and abuse and wicked people and corrupt politicians and what have you. One of the ways we have become so weak and submissive and is because we don’t have a bo we are bodyless. We are disembodied. We are disembodied. Body is very important thing. It grounds you. gives you strength, source of power and we all neglect the body and I’m the last one to give you a lecture to Hector. Yes, I I am 99% brain. Not even brain. Mind brain is too much body for me. Mind the last element when we discuss the
21:24 body is to protect the body. protection. You need to be, as I said, parental figures. So, one of the main parental roles is protection to provide protection. You need to be friends with the body. You need to befriend your bodies, not see your bodies as enemies. I mentioned all this custodianship and so on. You need to nurture your body and um you need to establish a hierarchy whereby the mind is the guardian or the custodian and its main role, its main function is to maintain the body healthy and functioning. So there is a body is to protect the body. protection. You need to be, as I said, parental figures. So, one of the main parental roles is protection to provide protection. You need to be friends with the body. You need to befriend your bodies, not see your bodies as enemies. I mentioned all this custodianship and so on. You need to nurture your body and um you need to establish a hierarchy whereby the mind is the guardian or the custodian and its main role, its main function is to maintain the body healthy and functioning. So there is a
21:58 protective element. Attention, regulation and protection are the three uh core features of body therapy or body alignment or body alliance. or there are many many many phrases and terms in in various systems and so on. I summarize for you actually 20 or 30 systems 20 or 30 treatment modalities. I summarize them with these three elements. No. I mentioned that um the nine ninefold path. I love this phrase. Makes me sound so Chinese. The n the nine-fold path. Huh? Buddhist. Okay, I mentioned the nine-fold path has a protective element. Attention, regulation and protection are the three uh core features of body therapy or body alignment or body alliance. or there are many many many phrases and terms in in various systems and so on. I summarize for you actually 20 or 30 systems 20 or 30 treatment modalities. I summarize them with these three elements. No. I mentioned that um the nine ninefold path. I love this phrase. Makes me sound so Chinese. The n the nine-fold path. Huh? Buddhist. Okay, I mentioned the nine-fold path has a
22:54 body part which we have just covered. There’s a mind and there functions. So now we are transitioning from the body to the mind elements. Each one has three three body elements, three mind elements and three functions and put together it’s nine. So hence the ninefold path. Okay, we now need to move to the mind. I think the key feature with victims of narcissistic abuse is to no longer regard themselves as victims. I mentioned it yesterday. You have been victimized. You have experienced an instance of victimhood body part which we have just covered. There’s a mind and there functions. So now we are transitioning from the body to the mind elements. Each one has three three body elements, three mind elements and three functions and put together it’s nine. So hence the ninefold path. Okay, we now need to move to the mind. I think the key feature with victims of narcissistic abuse is to no longer regard themselves as victims. I mentioned it yesterday. You have been victimized. You have experienced an instance of victimhood
23:35 that doesn’t make you victims. Um so victim to be a victim is an identity. Actually in the year 2020 there were four seinal studies published by Israelis. I must make a must make a pose here. Much welcomed by you I assume and tell you that amazingly all the words that have to do with empathy and compassion and loving and caring and so on were invented by Germans. I’m kidding you not. Like take the word empathy. The original word in in German isin that means feeling together or and this was translated into English in in the that doesn’t make you victims. Um so victim to be a victim is an identity. Actually in the year 2020 there were four seinal studies published by Israelis. I must make a must make a pose here. Much welcomed by you I assume and tell you that amazingly all the words that have to do with empathy and compassion and loving and caring and so on were invented by Germans. I’m kidding you not. Like take the word empathy. The original word in in German isin that means feeling together or and this was translated into English in in the
24:25 late 19th century as empathy. Germans invented empathy which would come as a surprise to quite a few people. Similarly, Israelis are actually at the forefront of studying victimhood. And in 2020, Israelis, a group of Israelis, they published four studies which are now considered foundational studies in the study of the self-imputed victimhood. And these um these were Gabby, Gabby and Hameiri. And they published four studies and they suggested they came up with the idea with a personality construct. And they late 19th century as empathy. Germans invented empathy which would come as a surprise to quite a few people. Similarly, Israelis are actually at the forefront of studying victimhood. And in 2020, Israelis, a group of Israelis, they published four studies which are now considered foundational studies in the study of the self-imputed victimhood. And these um these were Gabby, Gabby and Hameiri. And they published four studies and they suggested they came up with the idea with a personality construct. And they
25:07 called it the tendency for interpersonal victimhood, the tiv construct, tendency for interpersonal victimhood. And they suggested that there are people um there are people who constantly feel that they are being victimized constantly feel as victims and victimhood is in this the lives of the pe these people. Victimhood victimhood is generalized across all kinds of relationships and all dimensions of functioning all settings or realms of functioning. So these people would be victims in their interpersonal called it the tendency for interpersonal victimhood, the tiv construct, tendency for interpersonal victimhood. And they suggested that there are people um there are people who constantly feel that they are being victimized constantly feel as victims and victimhood is in this the lives of the pe these people. Victimhood victimhood is generalized across all kinds of relationships and all dimensions of functioning all settings or realms of functioning. So these people would be victims in their interpersonal
25:46 relationships. These people would be victims at the workplace. They would be victims of the government. They would be victims of the army. They would be victims of I mean you name it. They’re always victims. The victimhood in their case is has has double double function. The first function is an organizing hermeneutic principle. The victimhood makes sense of their lives. when they’re trying to understand their lives. When they’re trying to interpret their lives, when they’re trying to make make their lives relationships. These people would be victims at the workplace. They would be victims of the government. They would be victims of the army. They would be victims of I mean you name it. They’re always victims. The victimhood in their case is has has double double function. The first function is an organizing hermeneutic principle. The victimhood makes sense of their lives. when they’re trying to understand their lives. When they’re trying to interpret their lives, when they’re trying to make make their lives
26:15 meaningful, victimhood explains everything like why did this happen to me? Because I’m a victim. Why did I do this? Because I’ve been a victim. Why? Why? You know why? The answer to the question why is I’m a victim. This is one function. And the second function is known as competitive victimhood or victimhood signaling. It’s when by virtue of declaring yourself a victim, you feel entitled to special treatment and to rights that impose obligations on other people. When you’re a victim, you’re entitled. you meaningful, victimhood explains everything like why did this happen to me? Because I’m a victim. Why did I do this? Because I’ve been a victim. Why? Why? You know why? The answer to the question why is I’m a victim. This is one function. And the second function is known as competitive victimhood or victimhood signaling. It’s when by virtue of declaring yourself a victim, you feel entitled to special treatment and to rights that impose obligations on other people. When you’re a victim, you’re entitled. you
26:55 deserve to be treated specially and other people have the obligation to treat you that way. So it’s a form of entitlement. Amy and and Gabay linked in effect victimhood to narcissism. Victimhood is an identity not having been victimized but becoming a professional full-fledged allround victim. Other studies in British Columbia, in Taiwan, and so on so forth have demonstrated that victimhood movements, yes, me too, Black Lives Matter, white supremacism, victimhood movements, right and left, who have been infiltrated by deserve to be treated specially and other people have the obligation to treat you that way. So it’s a form of entitlement. Amy and and Gabay linked in effect victimhood to narcissism. Victimhood is an identity not having been victimized but becoming a professional full-fledged allround victim. Other studies in British Columbia, in Taiwan, and so on so forth have demonstrated that victimhood movements, yes, me too, Black Lives Matter, white supremacism, victimhood movements, right and left, who have been infiltrated by
27:38 narcissists and psychopaths who are posing as victims. They signal victimhood. Virtue signaling is one type of victimhood signaling. They signal victimhood and they derive benefits. They compete for victimhood with other wannabe victims. Competitive victimhood and they derive benefits. So victimhood has become an industry in effect. I want to read to you something about victim victimhood that has been written by a scholar that I highly appreciate. Some vaccin what? I cannot appreciate myself. It’s narcissists and psychopaths who are posing as victims. They signal victimhood. Virtue signaling is one type of victimhood signaling. They signal victimhood and they derive benefits. They compete for victimhood with other wannabe victims. Competitive victimhood and they derive benefits. So victimhood has become an industry in effect. I want to read to you something about victim victimhood that has been written by a scholar that I highly appreciate. Some vaccin what? I cannot appreciate myself. It’s
28:22 illegitimate. What? I’m not bragging. It’s a fact. Okay. Okay. Don’t jump at my throat. I would like to read to you something I’ve written about victimhood and then we proceed to the mind the mind part of the ninefold zen Okay. Now victims of prolonged abuse often introject. They internalize and identify with their abusers. They identify with the aggressor. Now that’s not some vaknim. That is ferveny. Ferency suggested that victims of abuse identify with the aggressor. Identify illegitimate. What? I’m not bragging. It’s a fact. Okay. Okay. Don’t jump at my throat. I would like to read to you something I’ve written about victimhood and then we proceed to the mind the mind part of the ninefold zen Okay. Now victims of prolonged abuse often introject. They internalize and identify with their abusers. They identify with the aggressor. Now that’s not some vaknim. That is ferveny. Ferency suggested that victims of abuse identify with the aggressor. Identify
29:06 with the abuser. And he said that’s the way they become more narcissistic and more psychopathic. That’s the vector of contagion. Actually, victims of abuse say, “I am never going to be a victim again. From now on, I do the victimizing.” End of story. So, they become abusers themselves. And they convert this uh introjection this introjects of the abuser. They convert the internalized abuser into permanent persecuto objects. Henceforth, victims trauma bond with their inner tormenting voice even when the original with the abuser. And he said that’s the way they become more narcissistic and more psychopathic. That’s the vector of contagion. Actually, victims of abuse say, “I am never going to be a victim again. From now on, I do the victimizing.” End of story. So, they become abusers themselves. And they convert this uh introjection this introjects of the abuser. They convert the internalized abuser into permanent persecuto objects. Henceforth, victims trauma bond with their inner tormenting voice even when the original
29:45 bully is long out of their lives. I want to explain what I what I meant here. The victim of abuse internalizes the voice of the abuser. Narcissists actually use a mechanism known as entrainment. 12 years ago, neuroscientists discovered that the brains of musicians playing in the same rock band synchronize to the point that there is no way to tell the difference between the brains of the various musicians using using an EEG. So what happened is there was a rock band and the rock band had a drummer and a bully is long out of their lives. I want to explain what I what I meant here. The victim of abuse internalizes the voice of the abuser. Narcissists actually use a mechanism known as entrainment. 12 years ago, neuroscientists discovered that the brains of musicians playing in the same rock band synchronize to the point that there is no way to tell the difference between the brains of the various musicians using using an EEG. So what happened is there was a rock band and the rock band had a drummer and a
30:28 bass basist and a you know and they attached EEG electrodes to all of them and then they began to play a piece. As they were playing a piece the brains synchronized to the point that we they the the scientists the experimenters were unable to tell the differences between the various brains. They all looked identical. This became known as entrainment. Today we know that any rhythmical rhythmical repetition of sound creates a synchronization of brain waves between the emitter of the sound and the bass basist and a you know and they attached EEG electrodes to all of them and then they began to play a piece. As they were playing a piece the brains synchronized to the point that we they the the scientists the experimenters were unable to tell the differences between the various brains. They all looked identical. This became known as entrainment. Today we know that any rhythmical rhythmical repetition of sound creates a synchronization of brain waves between the emitter of the sound and the
31:07 recipient of the sound, the listener. Now I suggested that narcissists use entrainment. So what they’re doing, they verbally abuse the victim. And the verbal abuse is often rigid, structured and repetitive very often. It’s like well documented. I suggest that this is some form of entrainment actually that there is a synchronization of brain waves taking place. Of course mantra a mantra accomplishes exactly this. Any type of music accomplishes this. By the way, entrainment is now widely documented as a reaction to any recipient of the sound, the listener. Now I suggested that narcissists use entrainment. So what they’re doing, they verbally abuse the victim. And the verbal abuse is often rigid, structured and repetitive very often. It’s like well documented. I suggest that this is some form of entrainment actually that there is a synchronization of brain waves taking place. Of course mantra a mantra accomplishes exactly this. Any type of music accomplishes this. By the way, entrainment is now widely documented as a reaction to any
31:46 rhythmical repetitive sound which religion has been using for thousands of years. Prayer when you pray, it’s entrainment. I think the narcissist entrains victims, although this is not proven yet. It’s speculation. I think the narcissist entrains victims via verbal abuse. And so one of the things a narcissist does he installs he installs an introject. He installs in you an internal object. This introject encapsulates includes the narcissist’s voice. The narcissist’s voice is inside rhythmical repetitive sound which religion has been using for thousands of years. Prayer when you pray, it’s entrainment. I think the narcissist entrains victims, although this is not proven yet. It’s speculation. I think the narcissist entrains victims via verbal abuse. And so one of the things a narcissist does he installs he installs an introject. He installs in you an internal object. This introject encapsulates includes the narcissist’s voice. The narcissist’s voice is inside
32:22 your head. This is normal by the way. We introject all the time. Introjection is a totally normal process. But the content of the narcissist introject is the content is deletterious. The content is uh reject rejecting self-rejecting. The content is harsh. The content is critical. It’s not the introjection itself that is unusual. It’s very common. But the introject contains a Trojan horse. When the introject is installed in the victim’s mind, it’s a negating introject. It’s an introjection your head. This is normal by the way. We introject all the time. Introjection is a totally normal process. But the content of the narcissist introject is the content is deletterious. The content is uh reject rejecting self-rejecting. The content is harsh. The content is critical. It’s not the introjection itself that is unusual. It’s very common. But the introject contains a Trojan horse. When the introject is installed in the victim’s mind, it’s a negating introject. It’s an introjection
32:59 that wants to take the victim down, to destroy the victim, to tear the victim apart. Even worse, we know there’s a phenomenon called clustering in introjection. When you have a an introject with a message, this introject finds similar introjects with similar messages. So, if you have an introject that says you’re stupid, okay, here’s an introject. Narcissist puts an introject in your mind, you’re stupid. This introject will look for other introjects that say that you are stupid. that wants to take the victim down, to destroy the victim, to tear the victim apart. Even worse, we know there’s a phenomenon called clustering in introjection. When you have a an introject with a message, this introject finds similar introjects with similar messages. So, if you have an introject that says you’re stupid, okay, here’s an introject. Narcissist puts an introject in your mind, you’re stupid. This introject will look for other introjects that say that you are stupid.
33:35 For example, your mother told you that you were stupid when you were young. So the introject of the narcissist that says that you are stupid will create a coalition with the introject of your mother that says that you are stupid and they will both attack you from inside. This process is known as clustering. introjection clustering. So the narcissist uses entrainment I believe that’s a speculation uses entrainment to synchronize brain waves which opens the way to the installation of a negative or negating introject For example, your mother told you that you were stupid when you were young. So the introject of the narcissist that says that you are stupid will create a coalition with the introject of your mother that says that you are stupid and they will both attack you from inside. This process is known as clustering. introjection clustering. So the narcissist uses entrainment I believe that’s a speculation uses entrainment to synchronize brain waves which opens the way to the installation of a negative or negating introject
34:11 which then collaborates with other introjects and attacks you from within. When you identify with the aggressor as ferencey suggested then of course you are much more open to accept the aggressor’s introject to accept the abusers’s introject you’re much more open because you identify with the abuser this whole field of identification introjection internalization incorporation was first described in object relations theory in the early phases Melanie Klene and others they were the first to discuss these issues which then collaborates with other introjects and attacks you from within. When you identify with the aggressor as ferencey suggested then of course you are much more open to accept the aggressor’s introject to accept the abusers’s introject you’re much more open because you identify with the abuser this whole field of identification introjection internalization incorporation was first described in object relations theory in the early phases Melanie Klene and others they were the first to discuss these issues
34:45 So by now it’s well documented and well researched and and so on. These are all classical modalities of relating to each other. There’s nothing new about in any of this. It’s just that the narcissist abuses this privilege of access to your mind. Abuses it and then colonizes you in effect. There’s identification with the aggressor colonizes you. There’s an abuser’s voice inside your mind and it does with you as it wishes. I’ll continue. Victimhood becomes a cozy comfort zone So by now it’s well documented and well researched and and so on. These are all classical modalities of relating to each other. There’s nothing new about in any of this. It’s just that the narcissist abuses this privilege of access to your mind. Abuses it and then colonizes you in effect. There’s identification with the aggressor colonizes you. There’s an abuser’s voice inside your mind and it does with you as it wishes. I’ll continue. Victimhood becomes a cozy comfort zone
35:22 and the victim is emotionally invested in maintaining this comfort zone pristine and operational. It becomes a determinant of the victim’s identity. It helps the victim to regulate her emotions and amilarate her anxiety. and mood liability. Professional victims tend to blame their childhood experiences for being eternal victims. Again, their victims this time of their parents. We must begin to accept that victimhood stance is actually narcissistic, grandio, entitled, replete with aloplastic defenses, blaming other and the victim is emotionally invested in maintaining this comfort zone pristine and operational. It becomes a determinant of the victim’s identity. It helps the victim to regulate her emotions and amilarate her anxiety. and mood liability. Professional victims tend to blame their childhood experiences for being eternal victims. Again, their victims this time of their parents. We must begin to accept that victimhood stance is actually narcissistic, grandio, entitled, replete with aloplastic defenses, blaming other
36:02 people, and involves a splitting defense. I’m all good. Everyone else is all bad. Perpetual victimhood serves four indispensable psychological needs. Number one, it restores a sense of agency and self-efficacy, and it reverts the locus of control from external to internal. Many victims garner attention and make money from their newly found profession. There’s a sense that if you’re a victim, you not only make sense of your life, but you regain power. You empower yourself. You regain agency. You regain self-efficacy. people, and involves a splitting defense. I’m all good. Everyone else is all bad. Perpetual victimhood serves four indispensable psychological needs. Number one, it restores a sense of agency and self-efficacy, and it reverts the locus of control from external to internal. Many victims garner attention and make money from their newly found profession. There’s a sense that if you’re a victim, you not only make sense of your life, but you regain power. You empower yourself. You regain agency. You regain self-efficacy.
36:43 You by being a victim, you are now in charge. You’re in control somehow. You can force people around you to behave in other way in different ways. You can manipulate people. You can claim certain rights. You can so many victimhood appeals to many disempowered disenfranchised people. Victimhood appeals to the weak. Victimhood appeals to people who have lost agency. Victimhood appeals to people who have been victimized. No one is denying this, of course, but it’s very tempting because the overriding effect, the You by being a victim, you are now in charge. You’re in control somehow. You can force people around you to behave in other way in different ways. You can manipulate people. You can claim certain rights. You can so many victimhood appeals to many disempowered disenfranchised people. Victimhood appeals to the weak. Victimhood appeals to people who have lost agency. Victimhood appeals to people who have been victimized. No one is denying this, of course, but it’s very tempting because the overriding effect, the
37:19 overriding emotion in having been victimized is the helplessness. You couldn’t help it. And it’s a terrible feeling. Even when you’re mugged, okay, you’re mugged in the street, you’re or you’re raped or it’s the the real damage is not necessarily the rape, not necessarily the your wallet, that you lost your wallet. The real damage is the helplessness that you couldn’t help yourself. I mean, you couldn’t help yourself in the sense that you couldn’t fend off the aggressor or overriding emotion in having been victimized is the helplessness. You couldn’t help it. And it’s a terrible feeling. Even when you’re mugged, okay, you’re mugged in the street, you’re or you’re raped or it’s the the real damage is not necessarily the rape, not necessarily the your wallet, that you lost your wallet. The real damage is the helplessness that you couldn’t help yourself. I mean, you couldn’t help yourself in the sense that you couldn’t fend off the aggressor or
37:52 fend off the abuser. This helplessness is the core issue. And sometimes by declaring yourself a victim by becoming by assuming victimhood identity, you regain a sense of of agency, you regain a sense of power. You you’re not helpless anymore. I am not helpless anymore. I know who I am. I have my rights. I demand them. I’m viferous. I’m vocal. I’m, you know, I’m I’m empowered. That’s why you see many victimhood movements which are which essentially emanate from position of victimization. fend off the abuser. This helplessness is the core issue. And sometimes by declaring yourself a victim by becoming by assuming victimhood identity, you regain a sense of of agency, you regain a sense of power. You you’re not helpless anymore. I am not helpless anymore. I know who I am. I have my rights. I demand them. I’m viferous. I’m vocal. I’m, you know, I’m I’m empowered. That’s why you see many victimhood movements which are which essentially emanate from position of victimization.
38:28 So for example me too it emanated from it came out of women who were raped and experienced extreme possibly the most extreme helplessness. And similarly blacks blacks who were violated by the police in a variety of ways. They established black lives matter. There is an attempt to render victimhood agentic, a form of agency in effect. Number two, so we’re talking about the ways victimhood serves you, why people adopt victimhood identity. Number two, it makes sense of the victim’s personal So for example me too it emanated from it came out of women who were raped and experienced extreme possibly the most extreme helplessness. And similarly blacks blacks who were violated by the police in a variety of ways. They established black lives matter. There is an attempt to render victimhood agentic, a form of agency in effect. Number two, so we’re talking about the ways victimhood serves you, why people adopt victimhood identity. Number two, it makes sense of the victim’s personal
39:05 history and of the world around the victim, thereby rendering these meaningful structure, order, and even a sense of karmic justice are restored. Number three, victimhood legitimizes avoidant behaviors. The world out there is challenging and painful. Shunning the world guarantees tranquility and an inner peace of mind. So if you talk to a victim and say, “Why are you avoiding the world? Why are you withdrawing? Why are you not dating? Why are you not going out? Why are you not, you know, they say, “I’m a vict I’m a victim. I’m history and of the world around the victim, thereby rendering these meaningful structure, order, and even a sense of karmic justice are restored. Number three, victimhood legitimizes avoidant behaviors. The world out there is challenging and painful. Shunning the world guarantees tranquility and an inner peace of mind. So if you talk to a victim and say, “Why are you avoiding the world? Why are you withdrawing? Why are you not dating? Why are you not going out? Why are you not, you know, they say, “I’m a vict I’m a victim. I’m
39:38 traumatized. I’m abused.” It’s an alibi. It’s an excuse to not engage with the world. There is a clinical term for this constriction. The victim constricts her life. But victimhood legitimizes it. Victimhood tells you it’s okay to do this. It’s okay to do this because you have a right for self self-defense and this is a way to self-defense. Most messages of victimhood identity are really really seriously bad for you. Like they are really pathological. They are really unhealthy. I don’t I don’t know of many traumatized. I’m abused.” It’s an alibi. It’s an excuse to not engage with the world. There is a clinical term for this constriction. The victim constricts her life. But victimhood legitimizes it. Victimhood tells you it’s okay to do this. It’s okay to do this because you have a right for self self-defense and this is a way to self-defense. Most messages of victimhood identity are really really seriously bad for you. Like they are really pathological. They are really unhealthy. I don’t I don’t know of many
40:13 things that are more pathological, more profoundly pathological than victimhood. And I’m furious at self-styled experts online that perpetuate victimhood, elevate victimhood, glorify victimhood, and codify victimhood as an acceptable behavior lifelong. You’re not a victim clearly. Number four, victimhood allows the victim to indulge her grandiosity and sense of moral superiority. It paints the victim as immaculate, angelic, empathic, supportive, loving, caring, compassionate, and in short, things that are more pathological, more profoundly pathological than victimhood. And I’m furious at self-styled experts online that perpetuate victimhood, elevate victimhood, glorify victimhood, and codify victimhood as an acceptable behavior lifelong. You’re not a victim clearly. Number four, victimhood allows the victim to indulge her grandiosity and sense of moral superiority. It paints the victim as immaculate, angelic, empathic, supportive, loving, caring, compassionate, and in short,
40:53 perfect, blemishless, blameless, flawless. It is a morality player, a crusade where the victim is the warrior angel fighting off the demonic, for example, narcissist. Yeah. Victimhood affords the victim membership. It’s a membership posture. It’s an affiliative posture. So there is an inroup. We know from sociology the distinction between in-group and outgroup. There is an inroup of victims. And the minute you declare yourself a victim, you belong. You go on an empath forum, a forum for self-styled empaths. perfect, blemishless, blameless, flawless. It is a morality player, a crusade where the victim is the warrior angel fighting off the demonic, for example, narcissist. Yeah. Victimhood affords the victim membership. It’s a membership posture. It’s an affiliative posture. So there is an inroup. We know from sociology the distinction between in-group and outgroup. There is an inroup of victims. And the minute you declare yourself a victim, you belong. You go on an empath forum, a forum for self-styled empaths.
41:28 You declare yourself empath. That’s your entry ticket. You belong. You found soulmates. You found common ground. people who have had the same experience and share your conviction of your own impeccability and your own superiority, moral superiority at least. So there’s an element of affiliation and belonging in belonging. You’re replacing one cult with another. Actually, you’re replacing the cult of the narcissist with the cult of victimhood. So victimhood affords the uh victim membership in a tightly in tight-knit You declare yourself empath. That’s your entry ticket. You belong. You found soulmates. You found common ground. people who have had the same experience and share your conviction of your own impeccability and your own superiority, moral superiority at least. So there’s an element of affiliation and belonging in belonging. You’re replacing one cult with another. Actually, you’re replacing the cult of the narcissist with the cult of victimhood. So victimhood affords the uh victim membership in a tightly in tight-knit
42:02 communities of like-minded people and a sense of belonging and being finally understood, finally vindicated, finally validated and finally elevated. It is an intoxicating mix of intoxicating mix a heady mix. Yes. And victims become aggressive if and when you try to take it away from them. When you alert victims to their own imperfections and contributions to their own predicament, they become aggressive. There is an aggressive defense against giving up on victimhood. Some people adopt the role of communities of like-minded people and a sense of belonging and being finally understood, finally vindicated, finally validated and finally elevated. It is an intoxicating mix of intoxicating mix a heady mix. Yes. And victims become aggressive if and when you try to take it away from them. When you alert victims to their own imperfections and contributions to their own predicament, they become aggressive. There is an aggressive defense against giving up on victimhood. Some people adopt the role of
42:39 professional victim. In doing so, they become self-centered, devoid of empathy, abusive, and exploitative. In other words, they become narcissists. The role of professional victims, people whose existence and very identity rests solely and entirely on their victimhood is well researched in victimology. There’s a branch of psychology called victimology. Actually, there’s a branch of criminology called victimology. So, believe it or not, um it doesn’t make for a nice reading. The victim’s pros pros are often more professional victim. In doing so, they become self-centered, devoid of empathy, abusive, and exploitative. In other words, they become narcissists. The role of professional victims, people whose existence and very identity rests solely and entirely on their victimhood is well researched in victimology. There’s a branch of psychology called victimology. Actually, there’s a branch of criminology called victimology. So, believe it or not, um it doesn’t make for a nice reading. The victim’s pros pros are often more
43:13 cruel, vengeful, vitriolic, etc., etc. Victims identify with this role to the exclusion of all others. So this is victimhood. Why did I dwell? Why did I dwell on victimhood to that extent and so long? When we come to healing and recovering the mind as opposed to the body, we discussed the body and we come we’re talking about the mind. When it comes to that, the absolute cynic oneonone, the absolute condition is to get rid of victimhood stance. To no longer be a victim as long as you maintain your victimhood cruel, vengeful, vitriolic, etc., etc. Victims identify with this role to the exclusion of all others. So this is victimhood. Why did I dwell? Why did I dwell on victimhood to that extent and so long? When we come to healing and recovering the mind as opposed to the body, we discussed the body and we come we’re talking about the mind. When it comes to that, the absolute cynic oneonone, the absolute condition is to get rid of victimhood stance. To no longer be a victim as long as you maintain your victimhood
43:50 position, victimhood mentality, victimhood stunts, victimhood posturing, victimhood claims, victimhood rights, victimhood entitlement, and victimhood grandiosity. As long as you maintain this, you will never ever heal. Because you are then emotionally invested in your current state and your current state is that of a victim unhealed victim. So you’re invested in your own disease as a way to empower yourself usually against other people. You know we have this not only with victimhood. We have position, victimhood mentality, victimhood stunts, victimhood posturing, victimhood claims, victimhood rights, victimhood entitlement, and victimhood grandiosity. As long as you maintain this, you will never ever heal. Because you are then emotionally invested in your current state and your current state is that of a victim unhealed victim. So you’re invested in your own disease as a way to empower yourself usually against other people. You know we have this not only with victimhood. We have
44:30 professional professionally sick people. These are people who are always sick. They always have a problem. I don’t know heart attack, diabetes, aneurysm. They’re always sick. They’re always sick with something. They always have some disease. And they are using their frailty. They’re using their diseases. They’re using their disability. People who are disabled somehow. They’re using all this to manipulate people. simply put to manipulate people. They are sick so people should serve them. professional professionally sick people. These are people who are always sick. They always have a problem. I don’t know heart attack, diabetes, aneurysm. They’re always sick. They’re always sick with something. They always have some disease. And they are using their frailty. They’re using their diseases. They’re using their disability. People who are disabled somehow. They’re using all this to manipulate people. simply put to manipulate people. They are sick so people should serve them.
45:06 They should be servants. They should be their servants. They are sick or they are disabled so people should accommodate them. They should modify their lives. They should change everything starting with the structures and ending with timets. Everything revolves around the sick person. Everything revolves around the invalid or the crippled person. So we have these professional victim victims not only in psychological victimization or psychological abuse. We have this uh in other fields of life where we diminish ourselves They should be servants. They should be their servants. They are sick or they are disabled so people should accommodate them. They should modify their lives. They should change everything starting with the structures and ending with timets. Everything revolves around the sick person. Everything revolves around the invalid or the crippled person. So we have these professional victim victims not only in psychological victimization or psychological abuse. We have this uh in other fields of life where we diminish ourselves
45:43 in order to control and manipulate people. And this has a clinical term. By the way, this process is known as control from the bottom. Control from the bottom is used for example by codependence. Independent personality disorder which is the correct clinical term for codependency. Independent personality disorder the codependent uses her deficiencies, her disabilities, her her lack lacks her inability. She uses her inferior position to manipulate and control usually her intimate partner. So she would say the intimate in order to control and manipulate people. And this has a clinical term. By the way, this process is known as control from the bottom. Control from the bottom is used for example by codependence. Independent personality disorder which is the correct clinical term for codependency. Independent personality disorder the codependent uses her deficiencies, her disabilities, her her lack lacks her inability. She uses her inferior position to manipulate and control usually her intimate partner. So she would say the intimate
46:26 partner to the intimate partner she would say I can’t do this without you or I don’t know how to do this or can you tell me if it’s true or can you tell me how to do this or if you go I will die if you leave me I will die or until you came into my life I never accomplished anything. Now that you’re in my life, I’m very accomplished. So the codependent creates a situation actually informing the intimate partner. Without you, I am less of a person. You complete me. You are the one who makes partner to the intimate partner she would say I can’t do this without you or I don’t know how to do this or can you tell me if it’s true or can you tell me how to do this or if you go I will die if you leave me I will die or until you came into my life I never accomplished anything. Now that you’re in my life, I’m very accomplished. So the codependent creates a situation actually informing the intimate partner. Without you, I am less of a person. You complete me. You are the one who makes
47:01 me what I am. Without you, I’m less. I’m inferior. I’m disabled. I’m unable. I’m in incapacitated. I need you. It’s emotional blackmail. It’s emotional extortion. And victims do it a lot. I’m warning you against these traps because if you find that victimhood works for you, you will never be anything else but a victim. And as long as you’re a victim, I am telling you that you will be victimized. That is the part that you’re missing. You’re saying what’s wrong with being a me what I am. Without you, I’m less. I’m inferior. I’m disabled. I’m unable. I’m in incapacitated. I need you. It’s emotional blackmail. It’s emotional extortion. And victims do it a lot. I’m warning you against these traps because if you find that victimhood works for you, you will never be anything else but a victim. And as long as you’re a victim, I am telling you that you will be victimized. That is the part that you’re missing. You’re saying what’s wrong with being a
47:38 victim? I will assume a victimhood identity. I will be a victim. Everyone will revolve around me. I will be the center of attention online and offline. I will be woripped and cherished and people will pity me. And as they pity me, they will give me things. Maybe I can make some money. I will be, you know, what’s wrong with that? It’s an appealing proposition in this day and age. Of course, it’s an appealing proposition. But don’t forget the following. As long as you are a professional victim, you are a victim. victim? I will assume a victimhood identity. I will be a victim. Everyone will revolve around me. I will be the center of attention online and offline. I will be woripped and cherished and people will pity me. And as they pity me, they will give me things. Maybe I can make some money. I will be, you know, what’s wrong with that? It’s an appealing proposition in this day and age. Of course, it’s an appealing proposition. But don’t forget the following. As long as you are a professional victim, you are a victim.
48:08 As long you’re as you’re a victim, you will attract predators. Predators are attracted to victims exactly as sharks are attracted to blood in the water. As long as you’re a victim, you’re bleeding in the water. The sharks will come and don’t kid yourself that this time around you’re immune. This time around you’re knowledgeable. This time around you will not be victimized because as long as you’re a victim, you will be victimized. I promised you at the beginning of this As long you’re as you’re a victim, you will attract predators. Predators are attracted to victims exactly as sharks are attracted to blood in the water. As long as you’re a victim, you’re bleeding in the water. The sharks will come and don’t kid yourself that this time around you’re immune. This time around you’re knowledgeable. This time around you will not be victimized because as long as you’re a victim, you will be victimized. I promised you at the beginning of this
48:43 seminar that every single thing I’m telling you is based on studies that includes good morning. So there are studies that show that people with a tendency to regard themselves as victims are victimized at a much higher rate than people who do not regard themselves as victim for victims. For example, there are studies regarding borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder have a tendency to consider themselves victims. They always claim to be victims. Narcissists are the same. They always seminar that every single thing I’m telling you is based on studies that includes good morning. So there are studies that show that people with a tendency to regard themselves as victims are victimized at a much higher rate than people who do not regard themselves as victim for victims. For example, there are studies regarding borderline personality disorder. People with borderline personality disorder have a tendency to consider themselves victims. They always claim to be victims. Narcissists are the same. They always
49:19 claim to be victims. We know that people with borderline personality disorder are repeatedly victimized. They are they are serial victims. They always victimized. For example, people with borderline personality disorder are raped at a much higher rate than the general population. example. So, victimhood opens the door to predators, which is a seriously bad idea if you ask me. It’s time to spill my coffee. So I was asking if people with borderline personality disorders um are more frequently raped or find themselves claim to be victims. We know that people with borderline personality disorder are repeatedly victimized. They are they are serial victims. They always victimized. For example, people with borderline personality disorder are raped at a much higher rate than the general population. example. So, victimhood opens the door to predators, which is a seriously bad idea if you ask me. It’s time to spill my coffee. So I was asking if people with borderline personality disorders um are more frequently raped or find themselves
50:01 in such victim situations because they self-abandoned and selfrush or because they do not I I I do not see >> no the studies the studies yes the studies make a distinction between acting out uh which is common between borderline. A borderline is reckless. When she acts out, she’s reckless. She’s defined. She resembles a secondary psychopath. So there is a distinction between this and situations where the borderline had no contribution but has been victimized. So border lines tend to be victimized, in such victim situations because they self-abandoned and selfrush or because they do not I I I do not see >> no the studies the studies yes the studies make a distinction between acting out uh which is common between borderline. A borderline is reckless. When she acts out, she’s reckless. She’s defined. She resembles a secondary psychopath. So there is a distinction between this and situations where the borderline had no contribution but has been victimized. So border lines tend to be victimized,
50:39 truly victimized with no contribution of their own, much more than the general population. If you’re a victim, you’re declaring to everyone, you know, imagine I’m telling you I’m a sucker and if there are three predators here, they will meet me after the seminar and try to take advantage of me. It’s normal. Victimhood is a form of signaling. That’s why we say virtue signaling. Victimhood signaling. It’s a form of signaling. By the way, there was a soci there is a sociologist. His name is truly victimized with no contribution of their own, much more than the general population. If you’re a victim, you’re declaring to everyone, you know, imagine I’m telling you I’m a sucker and if there are three predators here, they will meet me after the seminar and try to take advantage of me. It’s normal. Victimhood is a form of signaling. That’s why we say virtue signaling. Victimhood signaling. It’s a form of signaling. By the way, there was a soci there is a sociologist. His name is
51:07 Campbell. And Kembbell said that we have transitioned from the age of dignity to the age of victimhood. And I fully agree victimhood has become the main organizing principle. Everyone and his dog and his mother-in-law is a victim. Everyone being a victim is looking for an abuser. Now we are in short supply when it comes to abusers because everyone is a victim. And we are really looking for abusers to recruit to train them and to unleash them on the masses of victims because it’s becoming a situation where everyone is a victim and Campbell. And Kembbell said that we have transitioned from the age of dignity to the age of victimhood. And I fully agree victimhood has become the main organizing principle. Everyone and his dog and his mother-in-law is a victim. Everyone being a victim is looking for an abuser. Now we are in short supply when it comes to abusers because everyone is a victim. And we are really looking for abusers to recruit to train them and to unleash them on the masses of victims because it’s becoming a situation where everyone is a victim and
51:39 no one is an abuser. So it’s a big mess. Okay. Now we can having dispense with victimhood. Having dispense with victim is this. It’s okay. No. >> Yeah. The question is in one of your talks you mentioned that the you know even now that the world is becoming more narcissistic uh to a different degree uh in different parts of the world but essentially uh especially uh lately in the last couple of decades there has been an increase in the families without father. So essentially the children being brought no one is an abuser. So it’s a big mess. Okay. Now we can having dispense with victimhood. Having dispense with victim is this. It’s okay. No. >> Yeah. The question is in one of your talks you mentioned that the you know even now that the world is becoming more narcissistic uh to a different degree uh in different parts of the world but essentially uh especially uh lately in the last couple of decades there has been an increase in the families without father. So essentially the children being brought
52:17 brought up by mothers and you know am I right to believe that uh those uh mothers you who are actually bringing up their children on their own uh they are more likely to blame their fathers u you know for you know the situation divorce essentially. Um and then that means in that in do that does that environment where the the mother is blaming the father who who is not present he cannot defend himself is going to create a you know perfect opportunity environment for the child to to actually become a brought up by mothers and you know am I right to believe that uh those uh mothers you who are actually bringing up their children on their own uh they are more likely to blame their fathers u you know for you know the situation divorce essentially. Um and then that means in that in do that does that environment where the the mother is blaming the father who who is not present he cannot defend himself is going to create a you know perfect opportunity environment for the child to to actually become a
52:53 perfect narcissist or at least a borderline >> 40% of 40% of children in industrialized countries are raised in single parent families. Uh majority of these single parent families are headed by a mother, a biological female. Um and we there there have been numerous studies conducted on on this and the results the results are very contradictory. Some studies say that the absence of a father predisposes for delinquency and criminal behavior later later in life. Other studies did not focus on behavior because these studies perfect narcissist or at least a borderline >> 40% of 40% of children in industrialized countries are raised in single parent families. Uh majority of these single parent families are headed by a mother, a biological female. Um and we there there have been numerous studies conducted on on this and the results the results are very contradictory. Some studies say that the absence of a father predisposes for delinquency and criminal behavior later later in life. Other studies did not focus on behavior because these studies
53:34 focused on behaviors like uh substance abuse, stealing, shoplifting and so on. And it seems that these behaviors are more prevalent among children who grew up without a father from day one. Not children who grew up without a father after age seven or nine, but from day one. And there are other studies that focused on mental issues, mental well-being, mental health. And they couldn’t find a difference between children who grew up in full-fledged families and children who grew up with actually they found a little a better focused on behaviors like uh substance abuse, stealing, shoplifting and so on. And it seems that these behaviors are more prevalent among children who grew up without a father from day one. Not children who grew up without a father after age seven or nine, but from day one. And there are other studies that focused on mental issues, mental well-being, mental health. And they couldn’t find a difference between children who grew up in full-fledged families and children who grew up with actually they found a little a better
54:07 mental health condition in children who grew up with single mothers. In classical developmental psychology, we make a distinction between the role of the mother and the role of the father. Again, do not confuse maternal role and paternal role with genitalia. It has nothing to do with your genitalia. You could be a father who is fulfilling maternal roles. You could be a mother who is forced to behave the way a father would. She’s a provider. She’s a So, it’s not really important the the sex. mental health condition in children who grew up with single mothers. In classical developmental psychology, we make a distinction between the role of the mother and the role of the father. Again, do not confuse maternal role and paternal role with genitalia. It has nothing to do with your genitalia. You could be a father who is fulfilling maternal roles. You could be a mother who is forced to behave the way a father would. She’s a provider. She’s a So, it’s not really important the the sex.
54:40 But um in classic developmental psychology, we believe that the mother is the most influential until age 36 months where when between 18 and 36 months, there is a stage called separation individuation where the child leaves the mother. The mother is super critical in this period in forming in molding the child. So for example, the emergence of the self is critically dependent on the role of the mother. In attachment theory, for example, Bowelby and and others, they also emphasize the role of the mother But um in classic developmental psychology, we believe that the mother is the most influential until age 36 months where when between 18 and 36 months, there is a stage called separation individuation where the child leaves the mother. The mother is super critical in this period in forming in molding the child. So for example, the emergence of the self is critically dependent on the role of the mother. In attachment theory, for example, Bowelby and and others, they also emphasize the role of the mother
55:19 until politically correct universities forced them to revise the text and to say parent. But the original texts are 100% focused on the mother. During the first 36 months, the mother provides superc critical functions. For example, it is through the mother’s gaze that the child realizes that the mother is separate from from him. So the child sees itself in the mother’s gaze. So it realizes that there is something there. The minute the child says there is something out there, there’s a break. until politically correct universities forced them to revise the text and to say parent. But the original texts are 100% focused on the mother. During the first 36 months, the mother provides superc critical functions. For example, it is through the mother’s gaze that the child realizes that the mother is separate from from him. So the child sees itself in the mother’s gaze. So it realizes that there is something there. The minute the child says there is something out there, there’s a break.
55:53 There’s a c there’s a schism in the world. I think it’s the biggest trauma in in biggest possible trauma is this when you realize that mother is not you and you are not mother. There’s a debate when this happens when when this process happens. Some say six six weeks of age. We don’t know but everyone agrees that the mother plays a crucial role in this and then the child separates from the mother. Not separates but realizes the externality and separates. This is this only the mother can do because a child There’s a c there’s a schism in the world. I think it’s the biggest trauma in in biggest possible trauma is this when you realize that mother is not you and you are not mother. There’s a debate when this happens when when this process happens. Some say six six weeks of age. We don’t know but everyone agrees that the mother plays a crucial role in this and then the child separates from the mother. Not separates but realizes the externality and separates. This is this only the mother can do because a child
56:23 initially is reactive only to the mother’s face. Actually children in the first few weeks are non-reactive to any other face not even the father’s face only to the mother’s face. So the mother plays a major role. After age 36 months, when separation individuation is completed and the child ventured out into the world and beginning to explore and discover and so on, the father begins to play a more important role than the mother. The father is a socialization agent. The father brings initially is reactive only to the mother’s face. Actually children in the first few weeks are non-reactive to any other face not even the father’s face only to the mother’s face. So the mother plays a major role. After age 36 months, when separation individuation is completed and the child ventured out into the world and beginning to explore and discover and so on, the father begins to play a more important role than the mother. The father is a socialization agent. The father brings
56:56 the values of society and so on into the home and educates the child, inculcates in the child how to be a social player, social agent. So the father teaches the child scripts and teaches the child skills. The teaches the child how to behave in a variety of settings. And so father after age 36 months is very crucial more much more crucial than the mother. Up to age 36 months it’s the mother. >> Hi sorry uh you said that child can be involved or dragged into the shared fantasy. So my question is if it’s yes and if the values of society and so on into the home and educates the child, inculcates in the child how to be a social player, social agent. So the father teaches the child scripts and teaches the child skills. The teaches the child how to behave in a variety of settings. And so father after age 36 months is very crucial more much more crucial than the mother. Up to age 36 months it’s the mother. >> Hi sorry uh you said that child can be involved or dragged into the shared fantasy. So my question is if it’s yes and if
57:37 yes, what can you do to pull them out or him because it’s a boy with a dad and the girl is totally okay and not in the she sees everything’s clearly but the boy not >> there is a chapter in the seminar dedicated to co-arenting. >> I yeah I read okay okay I will discuss it. Okay. And just one also question uh but you said for the nar narcissist nothing is real with narcissist at the end but that you are like there not there but what is with the sociopath? >> No such thing as sociopath. Sociopath is yes, what can you do to pull them out or him because it’s a boy with a dad and the girl is totally okay and not in the she sees everything’s clearly but the boy not >> there is a chapter in the seminar dedicated to co-arenting. >> I yeah I read okay okay I will discuss it. Okay. And just one also question uh but you said for the nar narcissist nothing is real with narcissist at the end but that you are like there not there but what is with the sociopath? >> No such thing as sociopath. Sociopath is
58:15 the old word for psychopath. >> Okay. >> Online you have many people of course experts talking about sociopaths and the difference between sociopath and psychopath. Sociopath is simply the old world word for psychopath. End of story. We asking about psychopaths. Psychopaths are completely grounded in reality. They have a fully developed self. They know the difference between reality and fantasy. They’re intentional. In this sense, psychopaths are much more mentally healthy than narcissists. the old word for psychopath. >> Okay. >> Online you have many people of course experts talking about sociopaths and the difference between sociopath and psychopath. Sociopath is simply the old world word for psychopath. End of story. We asking about psychopaths. Psychopaths are completely grounded in reality. They have a fully developed self. They know the difference between reality and fantasy. They’re intentional. In this sense, psychopaths are much more mentally healthy than narcissists.
58:44 So mentally healthy that I think that psychopathy is not a mental illness, not a mental health disorder. I think we are confusing sociological problems or problems of society with mental health. I don’t think the psychopath is mentally ill at all. I think psychopathy is a kind of personality style. >> Personality style someone who couldn’t care less about rules and who is ruthless, who is callous, who is unstoppable, is so I don’t know. I think we are pathologizing many conditions So mentally healthy that I think that psychopathy is not a mental illness, not a mental health disorder. I think we are confusing sociological problems or problems of society with mental health. I don’t think the psychopath is mentally ill at all. I think psychopathy is a kind of personality style. >> Personality style someone who couldn’t care less about rules and who is ruthless, who is callous, who is unstoppable, is so I don’t know. I think we are pathologizing many conditions
59:17 that should never ever have been pathologized. Psychopath essentially has nothing wrong with him. So the problem with psychopath is that psychopaths have no empathy or reduced empathy or a specific type of empathy called empathy. And the other problem with psychopath is that they are so goal oriented that they believe that all human behaviors should adhere to the goal should be subjected to the goal. So everything should be judged in accordance with how effective it is in obtaining the goal. But these are not mental mental health that should never ever have been pathologized. Psychopath essentially has nothing wrong with him. So the problem with psychopath is that psychopaths have no empathy or reduced empathy or a specific type of empathy called empathy. And the other problem with psychopath is that they are so goal oriented that they believe that all human behaviors should adhere to the goal should be subjected to the goal. So everything should be judged in accordance with how effective it is in obtaining the goal. But these are not mental mental health
59:55 issues. These are value problems with values. The psychopath has different values to you. You say goals are not everything. Empathy is important. The psychopath says who cares about empathy? Goals are everything. It’s a there’s a it’s a difference in points of view, a different in worldview. What the Germans called. It’s a difference in worldview. So I don’t see where is the pathology here. There’s a functioning self. There is self-efficacy. There is everything is fully operational with a psychopath. So issues. These are value problems with values. The psychopath has different values to you. You say goals are not everything. Empathy is important. The psychopath says who cares about empathy? Goals are everything. It’s a there’s a it’s a difference in points of view, a different in worldview. What the Germans called. It’s a difference in worldview. So I don’t see where is the pathology here. There’s a functioning self. There is self-efficacy. There is everything is fully operational with a psychopath. So
60:28 of course a child brought up by a psychopath would be more goal oriented, less empathic and will emulate the father’s personality style. But on the other hand, for example, a child brought up with a codependent would also have problems. this kind of child would be submissive, would be uh prone to v being victimized and and so on. So there’s no perfect father, there’s no perfect mother, you know, we each bring baggage today. And there is you can’t compare a psychopath to a narcissist. Narcissist of course a child brought up by a psychopath would be more goal oriented, less empathic and will emulate the father’s personality style. But on the other hand, for example, a child brought up with a codependent would also have problems. this kind of child would be submissive, would be uh prone to v being victimized and and so on. So there’s no perfect father, there’s no perfect mother, you know, we each bring baggage today. And there is you can’t compare a psychopath to a narcissist. Narcissist
61:02 is seriously I mean profoundly sick. It’s a delusional person. It’s on the verge of psychosis. is second most egregious illness after schizophrenia according to Kernburgg not some serious illness. Psychopath is you know someone who thinks differently to you. >> The impact on the the impact on we’ll discuss we’ll discuss it in cooperenting but the impact on the kid initially would be that child will imitate the father. What is less evil or psychology? >> It’s no question of evil. It’s a is seriously I mean profoundly sick. It’s a delusional person. It’s on the verge of psychosis. is second most egregious illness after schizophrenia according to Kernburgg not some serious illness. Psychopath is you know someone who thinks differently to you. >> The impact on the the impact on we’ll discuss we’ll discuss it in cooperenting but the impact on the kid initially would be that child will imitate the father. What is less evil or psychology? >> It’s no question of evil. It’s a
61:41 question evil is no has no place in psychology. This is not a seminar in morality or religion. >> I was writing my question. Okay. Hello Sam. I have two questions. Hi. One is for shared about shared fantasy. Um I’m curious when mothers or fathers uh when they in the shared fantasy want to live vicariously through their children. I’m always be um um I can’t make sense yet of why they just not go for the direct experience for their dreams directly rather than trying to you know it’s all question evil is no has no place in psychology. This is not a seminar in morality or religion. >> I was writing my question. Okay. Hello Sam. I have two questions. Hi. One is for shared about shared fantasy. Um I’m curious when mothers or fathers uh when they in the shared fantasy want to live vicariously through their children. I’m always be um um I can’t make sense yet of why they just not go for the direct experience for their dreams directly rather than trying to you know it’s all
62:20 a longer way of living their dreams through their child in a long term. It’s when there’s a more direct way to just live their dreams. I mean that’s my first question. Why they don’t choose a more direct experience? Is it >> because they failed? It’s not that they didn’t choose, they failed. >> They had dreams and wishes and fantasies and they failed either because of life circumstances or because they’re not talented enough or for some reason they failed. And having failed they believe a longer way of living their dreams through their child in a long term. It’s when there’s a more direct way to just live their dreams. I mean that’s my first question. Why they don’t choose a more direct experience? Is it >> because they failed? It’s not that they didn’t choose, they failed. >> They had dreams and wishes and fantasies and they failed either because of life circumstances or because they’re not talented enough or for some reason they failed. And having failed they believe
62:46 the child is a second chance. >> I failed to be a pianist. You would be a pianist. It’s a famous movie Shine. I don’t know those of you who have seen it. I think it’s Australian movie. There’s a famous movie about a pianist whose father was a failed pianist and kind of dreamt of being a super pianist and he forced his son to become a pianist and the son went mentally insane went crazy and ended up in a mental asylum. It’s a kind of instrumentalization >> and second and last one is um we are the child is a second chance. >> I failed to be a pianist. You would be a pianist. It’s a famous movie Shine. I don’t know those of you who have seen it. I think it’s Australian movie. There’s a famous movie about a pianist whose father was a failed pianist and kind of dreamt of being a super pianist and he forced his son to become a pianist and the son went mentally insane went crazy and ended up in a mental asylum. It’s a kind of instrumentalization >> and second and last one is um we are
63:17 talking that due to due to narcissistic abuse children have no self. I mean some children due to naric abuse may have no self but then also on the life journey every human being even coming from healthy parenting looking for their self because self is ever changing and everybody’s looking in in an inner journey self is evolving and changing constantly. So how can we make the distinction between abused child having no self versus actually everybody else just looking for their >> self. Self is not is never changes. Self talking that due to due to narcissistic abuse children have no self. I mean some children due to naric abuse may have no self but then also on the life journey every human being even coming from healthy parenting looking for their self because self is ever changing and everybody’s looking in in an inner journey self is evolving and changing constantly. So how can we make the distinction between abused child having no self versus actually everybody else just looking for their >> self. Self is not is never changes. Self
63:53 is the sense of continuity. The sense that you are the same person from one day to the next. That is the definition of the self. >> So the narcissist doesn’t have this sense of continuity. The narcissist is dissociative and disjointed. He doesn’t feel that he is the same person from one day to the next. It situation is even much worse with borderline in borderline personality disorder. So when we say that the self has not emerged, there was no self formation. Jung calls it constellation is the sense of continuity. The sense that you are the same person from one day to the next. That is the definition of the self. >> So the narcissist doesn’t have this sense of continuity. The narcissist is dissociative and disjointed. He doesn’t feel that he is the same person from one day to the next. It situation is even much worse with borderline in borderline personality disorder. So when we say that the self has not emerged, there was no self formation. Jung calls it constellation
64:28 self- constellation. Other people call it integration. Never mind. When we say that the self did not emerge, we simply mean that there is no core that maintains continuity across time and circumstances, across environments. A core that keeps telling you, never mind what happens, you are you and you are only you and you are not anyone else and and so on. So this is the self and the self is immutable. The self once the self emerges, it doesn’t change. Sami sorry it’s just a just a >> just a second I I think I for I am not self- constellation. Other people call it integration. Never mind. When we say that the self did not emerge, we simply mean that there is no core that maintains continuity across time and circumstances, across environments. A core that keeps telling you, never mind what happens, you are you and you are only you and you are not anyone else and and so on. So this is the self and the self is immutable. The self once the self emerges, it doesn’t change. Sami sorry it’s just a just a >> just a second I I think I for I am not
65:05 sure why I’m answering questions I’m in the middle of the lecture >> well yeah >> we will go >> I’m codependent you see >> uh Sam may I just complete just on on that on this point uh very briefly is is there a pure is the self pure are we seeking for a pure self or it’s enriching through the people we meet is it ever enriching and expanding >> self what you describe is not a self. Experiences can transform many things but they cannot transform the self because you sure why I’m answering questions I’m in the middle of the lecture >> well yeah >> we will go >> I’m codependent you see >> uh Sam may I just complete just on on that on this point uh very briefly is is there a pure is the self pure are we seeking for a pure self or it’s enriching through the people we meet is it ever enriching and expanding >> self what you describe is not a self. Experiences can transform many things but they cannot transform the self because you
65:35 are experiencing. Who is this you? Who is this I that is experiencing? That’s the self. The experiences don’t change the eye that is experiencing. The experiences can change many other things. Can change your skills, your memories, your moods, your your emo ability to emote, your emotions, your cognition. They can change many many things. They can even change what I call the self states. But they cannot ch change the self. The self is a core. It’s exactly like for example an instrument. You have an instrument. You are experiencing. Who is this you? Who is this I that is experiencing? That’s the self. The experiences don’t change the eye that is experiencing. The experiences can change many other things. Can change your skills, your memories, your moods, your your emo ability to emote, your emotions, your cognition. They can change many many things. They can even change what I call the self states. But they cannot ch change the self. The self is a core. It’s exactly like for example an instrument. You have an instrument. You
66:07 have a knife. You can cut butter with a knife. You can kill with a knife. But the knife is a knife. It never changes. It’s a knife. So yourself is the knife. and uh everything that happens to you and so on so forth they they they are like um if you wish layers on the self but they’re not the self itself. Self also relies crucially on ability to remember. So memories form the identity form the core identity and the the sense of continuity. When you have dissociation, when you have dissociative gaps, then you’re not have a knife. You can cut butter with a knife. You can kill with a knife. But the knife is a knife. It never changes. It’s a knife. So yourself is the knife. and uh everything that happens to you and so on so forth they they they are like um if you wish layers on the self but they’re not the self itself. Self also relies crucially on ability to remember. So memories form the identity form the core identity and the the sense of continuity. When you have dissociation, when you have dissociative gaps, then you’re not
66:43 able to retain memories and when you’re not able to retain memories in the long term, hypocral memories, episodic life memories in the long term, then you are not able to form an identity and you’re not able to form a sense of self, which is why narcissists confabulate. They’re trying to bridge memory gaps, you know. So you see for example that memories are not the self they are not identity but without them the self and identity cannot have a sense of continuity. Similarly your experiences are not your able to retain memories and when you’re not able to retain memories in the long term, hypocral memories, episodic life memories in the long term, then you are not able to form an identity and you’re not able to form a sense of self, which is why narcissists confabulate. They’re trying to bridge memory gaps, you know. So you see for example that memories are not the self they are not identity but without them the self and identity cannot have a sense of continuity. Similarly your experiences are not your
67:17 me your your self but your experiences generate the memories which the memories are like the fuel in the engine of the self. the self um would continue to exist even if I were to isolate you in a cell in a deprivation tank totally dark no sensations whatsoever for the rest of your life you would still have a self you may go psychotic you may become psychotic but you would become psychotic there would be a self there would be a sense of continuity so the self never goes away never changes once it has emerged emerged in me your your self but your experiences generate the memories which the memories are like the fuel in the engine of the self. the self um would continue to exist even if I were to isolate you in a cell in a deprivation tank totally dark no sensations whatsoever for the rest of your life you would still have a self you may go psychotic you may become psychotic but you would become psychotic there would be a self there would be a sense of continuity so the self never goes away never changes once it has emerged emerged in
67:58 some individuals the sense never emerges like in a narcissist there’s no immeration no self formation disrupted no it’s just because you you just came to say that psychopath is has good sense of reality of course but he can be terrible he can kill children his own children that happens in in France Once someone killed his entire family, >> that’s not a mental that’s not a mental illness. It’s a crime. >> That’s what >> not a mental illness. It’s a crime. some individuals the sense never emerges like in a narcissist there’s no immeration no self formation disrupted no it’s just because you you just came to say that psychopath is has good sense of reality of course but he can be terrible he can kill children his own children that happens in in France Once someone killed his entire family, >> that’s not a mental that’s not a mental illness. It’s a crime. >> That’s what >> not a mental illness. It’s a crime.
68:37 >> And if he threatens the children constantly, >> it’s not a mental illness. I’m sorry. It’s a crime. Yes. >> Wow. vast majority of criminals are not >> but this is an obsc >> I don’t see I >> it is wrong to confuse it is wrong to confuse behaviors and social judgment of behaviors with clinical entities a clinical entity should be independent of context so for example I should be able to diagnose a psychopath alone in a cell psychopath who has no >> And if he threatens the children constantly, >> it’s not a mental illness. I’m sorry. It’s a crime. Yes. >> Wow. vast majority of criminals are not >> but this is an obsc >> I don’t see I >> it is wrong to confuse it is wrong to confuse behaviors and social judgment of behaviors with clinical entities a clinical entity should be independent of context so for example I should be able to diagnose a psychopath alone in a cell psychopath who has no
69:12 children no contact with people and so on and I can’t do that. You cannot diagnose a psychopath who is isolated from society because psychopathy is defined as relational. Psychopathy and narcissism, by the way, are defined as relational. What you do to people. When you read the diagnostic criteria of narcissism, they say the narcissist is exploitative, the narcissist is envious. When you read the diagnostic criteria of psychopath, they say psychopath is prone to criminal behavior. That means that you cannot children no contact with people and so on and I can’t do that. You cannot diagnose a psychopath who is isolated from society because psychopathy is defined as relational. Psychopathy and narcissism, by the way, are defined as relational. What you do to people. When you read the diagnostic criteria of narcissism, they say the narcissist is exploitative, the narcissist is envious. When you read the diagnostic criteria of psychopath, they say psychopath is prone to criminal behavior. That means that you cannot
69:49 diagnose psychopathy without the existence of other people. You cannot. That means it’s not a clinical entity. A clinical entity is unique to the individual and does not depend on the presence of other people. Imagine I told you I cannot diagnose cancer unless you have a family. Unless you have a family, I cannot diagnose your cancer. That’s crazy. I cannot diagnose tuberculosis unless you have good unless you have at least three friends. Imagine. So it’s psychopathy is not like cancer diagnose psychopathy without the existence of other people. You cannot. That means it’s not a clinical entity. A clinical entity is unique to the individual and does not depend on the presence of other people. Imagine I told you I cannot diagnose cancer unless you have a family. Unless you have a family, I cannot diagnose your cancer. That’s crazy. I cannot diagnose tuberculosis unless you have good unless you have at least three friends. Imagine. So it’s psychopathy is not like cancer
70:26 is not like tuberculosis is not like because it crucially depends on the psychopath’s interaction with other people. It’s not a clinical entity. It is however a serious social problem. It is maybe a character defect. It maybe is uh I don’t know criminal. Of course there are aspects of psychology of psychopathy which are very bad and society should defend itself against psychopaths and maybe isolate them and maybe pun definitely punish them when they misbehave or commit crimes. But what does any of this have to do with is not like tuberculosis is not like because it crucially depends on the psychopath’s interaction with other people. It’s not a clinical entity. It is however a serious social problem. It is maybe a character defect. It maybe is uh I don’t know criminal. Of course there are aspects of psychology of psychopathy which are very bad and society should defend itself against psychopaths and maybe isolate them and maybe pun definitely punish them when they misbehave or commit crimes. But what does any of this have to do with
71:00 clinical psychology? nothing in my view. However, I thought you were going to make a different argument which is a stronger argument not to play the devil’s advocate against some vaknin. I hate the guy. So, what the argument you could have made is that the brain of the psychopath is definitely abnormal. That’s a strong argument. Also the physiology the body physiology of the psychopath is different to the physiology of non- psychopaths. For example, psychopaths do not sweat when they are threatened when they are clinical psychology? nothing in my view. However, I thought you were going to make a different argument which is a stronger argument not to play the devil’s advocate against some vaknin. I hate the guy. So, what the argument you could have made is that the brain of the psychopath is definitely abnormal. That’s a strong argument. Also the physiology the body physiology of the psychopath is different to the physiology of non- psychopaths. For example, psychopaths do not sweat when they are threatened when they are
71:44 anxious. So when a psychopath experiences fear and psychopaths do experience fear. It’s a myth that they don’t. When a psychopath experiences fear, their bodies don’t react the same like healthy people, normal people. For example, he doesn’t sweat and there is also the skin conductance is different. Pop uh almost all the physiological aspect the the brains of psychopaths are seriously dramatically different in almost all dimensions. Gray matter, white matter, amygdala, all these areas are severely deformed. anxious. So when a psychopath experiences fear and psychopaths do experience fear. It’s a myth that they don’t. When a psychopath experiences fear, their bodies don’t react the same like healthy people, normal people. For example, he doesn’t sweat and there is also the skin conductance is different. Pop uh almost all the physiological aspect the the brains of psychopaths are seriously dramatically different in almost all dimensions. Gray matter, white matter, amygdala, all these areas are severely deformed.
72:21 They for example the amygdala is much smaller, much less active. Amydala is the seat of emotions and so on including empathy. The gray matter to white matter ratio is is very distorted and so on. This is a strong argument you can say. But then ladies and gentlemen, we are not dealing with a mental illness. We are dealing with a medical condition. And the distinction is crucial. Medical condition, biological condition. We know to nowadays we know that schizophrenia who used to be considered a mental They for example the amygdala is much smaller, much less active. Amydala is the seat of emotions and so on including empathy. The gray matter to white matter ratio is is very distorted and so on. This is a strong argument you can say. But then ladies and gentlemen, we are not dealing with a mental illness. We are dealing with a medical condition. And the distinction is crucial. Medical condition, biological condition. We know to nowadays we know that schizophrenia who used to be considered a mental
72:58 illness is not a mental illness at all. It’s a brain abnormality on multiple levels structural biochemical and so on. It’s a brain dis disease. We also know that in certain neurological conditions for example brain trauma and injury people become full-fledged narcissists. There’s a famous case of Phineas Gage, the case of Phineas Gage and Phineas Gage was a construction worker and one day he had an accident in the construction site and a pole there was a metal pole penetrated his brain here and illness is not a mental illness at all. It’s a brain abnormality on multiple levels structural biochemical and so on. It’s a brain dis disease. We also know that in certain neurological conditions for example brain trauma and injury people become full-fledged narcissists. There’s a famous case of Phineas Gage, the case of Phineas Gage and Phineas Gage was a construction worker and one day he had an accident in the construction site and a pole there was a metal pole penetrated his brain here and
73:37 exited under his ear. So he he was walking for for hours for days with a metal pole in his brain. Finally, some intrepid doctor took out the metal pole. Took it out. Phineas Gage survived. Construction workers are tough cookies. Phineas Gage survived and became an utter narcissist with full-fledged nine criteria narcissist. Prior to that, he was a very nice, kind, empathic and loving person. So we know that there is some relatedness between brain abnormalities and so on. But in the case of the psychopath exited under his ear. So he he was walking for for hours for days with a metal pole in his brain. Finally, some intrepid doctor took out the metal pole. Took it out. Phineas Gage survived. Construction workers are tough cookies. Phineas Gage survived and became an utter narcissist with full-fledged nine criteria narcissist. Prior to that, he was a very nice, kind, empathic and loving person. So we know that there is some relatedness between brain abnormalities and so on. But in the case of the psychopath
74:20 the brain abnormalities are so extreme and so all over the place that I think psychopathy is definitely a medical condition. I have little doubt about this. The physiology of the body is different but it’s not a mental illness. It’s not. Schizophrenia is not a mental illness. Bipolar disorder is not a mental illness. They don’t belong in the DSM. It’s the wrong location, the wrong book. They should never be in the should have never been in the should not be in the DSM. They should be in medical textbooks the brain abnormalities are so extreme and so all over the place that I think psychopathy is definitely a medical condition. I have little doubt about this. The physiology of the body is different but it’s not a mental illness. It’s not. Schizophrenia is not a mental illness. Bipolar disorder is not a mental illness. They don’t belong in the DSM. It’s the wrong location, the wrong book. They should never be in the should have never been in the should not be in the DSM. They should be in medical textbooks
74:53 under neurology, not in the DSM. Why are they in the DSM? History. Originally we believed that autism is because mothers are cold and rejecting. There was a group of scholars not eminent scholars serious scholars who suggested that children become autistic because the mothers are cold and rejecting and they said they they called it refrigerator mothers. They said they are refrigerator mothers and the children become autistic. Today we know of course that autism is mostly neurobiological. It’s a developmental under neurology, not in the DSM. Why are they in the DSM? History. Originally we believed that autism is because mothers are cold and rejecting. There was a group of scholars not eminent scholars serious scholars who suggested that children become autistic because the mothers are cold and rejecting and they said they they called it refrigerator mothers. They said they are refrigerator mothers and the children become autistic. Today we know of course that autism is mostly neurobiological. It’s a developmental
75:34 disorder which has nothing absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with upbringing, motherhood, anything to do with other people. It’s totally internal. It’s a medical condition. Autism is 100% medical condition. But because historically it was considered to be a psychological condition brought on by bad mothers, it is still in the DSM for some utterly unexplainable reason where it should not be. Autism should not be in the DSM. Even what I just mentioned, the neurological effects of of abuse. I disorder which has nothing absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with upbringing, motherhood, anything to do with other people. It’s totally internal. It’s a medical condition. Autism is 100% medical condition. But because historically it was considered to be a psychological condition brought on by bad mothers, it is still in the DSM for some utterly unexplainable reason where it should not be. Autism should not be in the DSM. Even what I just mentioned, the neurological effects of of abuse. I
76:16 mentioned that there are two disorders neurological symptoms of abuses. Why are they in the DSM? I have no idea why are these conditions in the DSM. They are neur neurological reaction. A neurologist should treat these conditions. So there is a lot of overlap that is owing to historical ignorance simply. We knew a lot less 100 years ago than we know today. But there is like a heritage. There’s a heritage. It’s a heritage site. Psychology is a heritage site. Archaeology. It’s a form of archaeology. mentioned that there are two disorders neurological symptoms of abuses. Why are they in the DSM? I have no idea why are these conditions in the DSM. They are neur neurological reaction. A neurologist should treat these conditions. So there is a lot of overlap that is owing to historical ignorance simply. We knew a lot less 100 years ago than we know today. But there is like a heritage. There’s a heritage. It’s a heritage site. Psychology is a heritage site. Archaeology. It’s a form of archaeology.
76:54 Okay. I mentioned the body and the three aspects of the body which I remind you attention, regulation and protection. Now we are moving on to the mind. Those of us who have it and the mind in the mind as well we have we have right in the mind as well we have uh three functions. three elements, authenticity, positivity, and mindfulness. Again, to remind you, what am I doing? I’m summarizing all the treatment modalities and pieces of advice. And so, I put it all together for you in a ninepoint bullet, a nine bullet point uh Okay. I mentioned the body and the three aspects of the body which I remind you attention, regulation and protection. Now we are moving on to the mind. Those of us who have it and the mind in the mind as well we have we have right in the mind as well we have uh three functions. three elements, authenticity, positivity, and mindfulness. Again, to remind you, what am I doing? I’m summarizing all the treatment modalities and pieces of advice. And so, I put it all together for you in a ninepoint bullet, a nine bullet point uh
77:37 kind of list. Okay? So, I summarize the body. Now, I’m talking about the mind. Authenticity is the rediscovery of who you were and who you are. But who you were before the abuse. The abuse changes you. Anything changes you. This seminar changes you. Every human experience changes people. Which is why psychology is a pseudocience. The raw material keeps changing all the time. And there’s no way to study the same raw material twice. And in psychology there is a replication crisis. In other words, 81% of kind of list. Okay? So, I summarize the body. Now, I’m talking about the mind. Authenticity is the rediscovery of who you were and who you are. But who you were before the abuse. The abuse changes you. Anything changes you. This seminar changes you. Every human experience changes people. Which is why psychology is a pseudocience. The raw material keeps changing all the time. And there’s no way to study the same raw material twice. And in psychology there is a replication crisis. In other words, 81% of
78:16 psychological studies cannot be repeated which puts in question casts a long shadow over the claims of psychology to be a science. Yes. So coming back from my pet peeve to the topic. Um in the mind the first element is authenticity. You need to rediscover who you were before the abuse. Everything changes you. And what you have lost during the abuse are usually two main pillars of identity. One is who am I? The sense of continuity that we discussed known as the self. Freud called it partly the ego. There’s a huge psychological studies cannot be repeated which puts in question casts a long shadow over the claims of psychology to be a science. Yes. So coming back from my pet peeve to the topic. Um in the mind the first element is authenticity. You need to rediscover who you were before the abuse. Everything changes you. And what you have lost during the abuse are usually two main pillars of identity. One is who am I? The sense of continuity that we discussed known as the self. Freud called it partly the ego. There’s a huge
79:02 misunderstanding regarding the ego in Freud. So we we are using the word ego. Even scholars are using the word ego very erroneously, very wrongly. So it’s not the ego, it’s actually the self. So the self is compromised in conditions of abuse, especially narcissistic abuse. The self is compromised. There’s identity diffusion and so on so forth. And another element that is compromised is not only the way you feel yourself, the way you feel your continuity, but also the way you envisioned yourself, misunderstanding regarding the ego in Freud. So we we are using the word ego. Even scholars are using the word ego very erroneously, very wrongly. So it’s not the ego, it’s actually the self. So the self is compromised in conditions of abuse, especially narcissistic abuse. The self is compromised. There’s identity diffusion and so on so forth. And another element that is compromised is not only the way you feel yourself, the way you feel your continuity, but also the way you envisioned yourself,
79:34 the way you imagined yourself in the future. We all have a vision of ourselves in the future. This vision guides us. This vision provides us with structure and order. This is like a path and we walk this path toward towards becoming who we are not right now. So Freud called it the ego ideal. The ego ideal is the imaginary state of who we should be, who we aspire to be, who we hope to be. That’s the ego ideal. But if you don’t like Freud and his nomature, it’s just a vision about who you are. the way you imagined yourself in the future. We all have a vision of ourselves in the future. This vision guides us. This vision provides us with structure and order. This is like a path and we walk this path toward towards becoming who we are not right now. So Freud called it the ego ideal. The ego ideal is the imaginary state of who we should be, who we aspire to be, who we hope to be. That’s the ego ideal. But if you don’t like Freud and his nomature, it’s just a vision about who you are.
80:14 The narcissist takes it away from you. He takes away your identity. He disables yourself and he takes away your ego ideal. You are left empty. Remember, narcissism, pathological narcissism, the shared fantasy is about handing over to you, outsourcing the narcissist’s internal psychological processes. The narcissist hands over to you, outsources to you his or her emptiness. So, you have to own the narcissist’s emptiness. You have to encapsulate it, embrace it somehow. you but in the process you become empty. The narcissist takes it away from you. He takes away your identity. He disables yourself and he takes away your ego ideal. You are left empty. Remember, narcissism, pathological narcissism, the shared fantasy is about handing over to you, outsourcing the narcissist’s internal psychological processes. The narcissist hands over to you, outsources to you his or her emptiness. So, you have to own the narcissist’s emptiness. You have to encapsulate it, embrace it somehow. you but in the process you become empty.
80:55 You resonate with the narcissist’s emptiness by becoming empty. There’s no other way to resonate. So you need to regain this. We’ll discuss each of these things in future days. But you need to regain this sense of self. You need to regain the ego ideal. You need to regain your identity and so on. And this is authenticity inside you. Luckily there is an authentic voice. Every human being alive has many voices in their head. Although recently there’s been a discovery that some people don’t You resonate with the narcissist’s emptiness by becoming empty. There’s no other way to resonate. So you need to regain this. We’ll discuss each of these things in future days. But you need to regain this sense of self. You need to regain the ego ideal. You need to regain your identity and so on. And this is authenticity inside you. Luckily there is an authentic voice. Every human being alive has many voices in their head. Although recently there’s been a discovery that some people don’t
81:28 have voices at all. That their inner their inner space is totally silent. They are probably politicians. So So what? >> You have no voices and you’re not politician. You’re not politician. Okay. Thank God. Yeah. So some people it’s a tiny tiny minority they don’t have voices but the vast majority of people they have voices. These voices are known as introjetss or the process leading to the voices is known as introjection. The voices are the voice of your mother the voice of have voices at all. That their inner their inner space is totally silent. They are probably politicians. So So what? >> You have no voices and you’re not politician. You’re not politician. Okay. Thank God. Yeah. So some people it’s a tiny tiny minority they don’t have voices but the vast majority of people they have voices. These voices are known as introjetss or the process leading to the voices is known as introjection. The voices are the voice of your mother the voice of
82:05 your father role models teachers peers um people from the entertainment industry show business even politicians and so on. Voices you know these voices speak to you all the time. They inform you all the time. They interact with you. They advise you. They criticize you. There is a cluster of voices. You remember that introjects cluster. Yes, we have clusters of introjects. One of these clusters has a name, conscience. Your conscience is a cluster of introjects. And these introjects tell you what you’re doing is bad. Go on your father role models teachers peers um people from the entertainment industry show business even politicians and so on. Voices you know these voices speak to you all the time. They inform you all the time. They interact with you. They advise you. They criticize you. There is a cluster of voices. You remember that introjects cluster. Yes, we have clusters of introjects. One of these clusters has a name, conscience. Your conscience is a cluster of introjects. And these introjects tell you what you’re doing is bad. Go on
82:40 doing it. It’s fun. No, that’s not your conscience. That’s your psychopathic side. Your conscience keep telling you keeps keeps telling you what you’re doing is bad. don’t do it, you’re hurting people, it’s wrong, etc. So, this is a cluster of interjects. Your conscious is usually comprised of your father’s voice mostly, your mother’s voice in the second place and voices of other influential peers and and so on. So, these voices are inside you. Among this multitude of voices, there is a doing it. It’s fun. No, that’s not your conscience. That’s your psychopathic side. Your conscience keep telling you keeps keeps telling you what you’re doing is bad. don’t do it, you’re hurting people, it’s wrong, etc. So, this is a cluster of interjects. Your conscious is usually comprised of your father’s voice mostly, your mother’s voice in the second place and voices of other influential peers and and so on. So, these voices are inside you. Among this multitude of voices, there is a
83:10 single voice known as the authentic voice. Now I am skirting perilously close to philosophy because the authentic voice is not a clinical term. We do not recognize in clinical psychology an authentic voice. It is actually a derivative of existentialist psychology or existentialist psychotherapy. Sart, Jean Paul Sart um has written in the 40s about the authentic voice and about authenticity and then there was a whole branch of psychology or actually psychotherapy established on existentialist foundations ko s others and within this single voice known as the authentic voice. Now I am skirting perilously close to philosophy because the authentic voice is not a clinical term. We do not recognize in clinical psychology an authentic voice. It is actually a derivative of existentialist psychology or existentialist psychotherapy. Sart, Jean Paul Sart um has written in the 40s about the authentic voice and about authenticity and then there was a whole branch of psychology or actually psychotherapy established on existentialist foundations ko s others and within this
83:57 psychotherapy or treatment modality there’s an emphasis on your authenticity on who you truly are what is this authentic authentic voice and how does it help you? How can it help you? When you are with a narcissist, remember the narcissist installs, think of yourself as a smartphone. The narcissist installs in your mind an app. This is the introject of the narcissist. The introject of the narcissist makes a coalition with other introjects inside your mind and they keep talking to you long after the narcissist is gone. psychotherapy or treatment modality there’s an emphasis on your authenticity on who you truly are what is this authentic authentic voice and how does it help you? How can it help you? When you are with a narcissist, remember the narcissist installs, think of yourself as a smartphone. The narcissist installs in your mind an app. This is the introject of the narcissist. The introject of the narcissist makes a coalition with other introjects inside your mind and they keep talking to you long after the narcissist is gone.
84:36 Long after the narcissist has left they left the building like Elvis only Elvis is here. Long after the narcissist has left the building the voice of the narcissist the introject is still active very active. There’s no diminution. There’s no reduction in the voice of the narcissist in your mind once the narcissist is no longer in your life. So the first thing you need to do is you need to disable this voice and the coalition the voice has constructed because if you don’t then this voice is Long after the narcissist has left they left the building like Elvis only Elvis is here. Long after the narcissist has left the building the voice of the narcissist the introject is still active very active. There’s no diminution. There’s no reduction in the voice of the narcissist in your mind once the narcissist is no longer in your life. So the first thing you need to do is you need to disable this voice and the coalition the voice has constructed because if you don’t then this voice is
85:12 going to prevent you from healing and recovery. This voice is not your friend. How do you identify the authentic voice? The voice that is truly you. The voice that is not your mother, not your father, not not the narcissist, but the voice that is truly you. There is actually a very simple test. And the test is this. The authentic voice is always self-loving. It’s a voice that promotes you, knows you, accepts you, promotes you, loves you, cares for you, is compassionate about you. This is known in clinical going to prevent you from healing and recovery. This voice is not your friend. How do you identify the authentic voice? The voice that is truly you. The voice that is not your mother, not your father, not not the narcissist, but the voice that is truly you. There is actually a very simple test. And the test is this. The authentic voice is always self-loving. It’s a voice that promotes you, knows you, accepts you, promotes you, loves you, cares for you, is compassionate about you. This is known in clinical
85:50 psychology as self-compassion. The authentic voice has self-compassion. All the other voices in your head All the other voices in your head do not have self-compassion. They have other things but not self-compassion. Many of these voices will be disparaging voices, enemy voices. They will try to take you down. They criticize you harshly. This is known as the harsh inner critic. They I mean these voices Freud at the time suggested that the ego has a part. The ego has a part that is that he called psychology as self-compassion. The authentic voice has self-compassion. All the other voices in your head All the other voices in your head do not have self-compassion. They have other things but not self-compassion. Many of these voices will be disparaging voices, enemy voices. They will try to take you down. They criticize you harshly. This is known as the harsh inner critic. They I mean these voices Freud at the time suggested that the ego has a part. The ego has a part that is that he called
86:27 the super ego. And it is the role of the super ego to internalize social values and kind of regulate your behavior, modify your behavior. But the super ego can become sadistic and that’s another introject that is attacking you. The self is an internal object. The self is an internal object and usually the authentic voice is the voice of the self usually. So ask yourself a simple question. When the voice a voice talks to you, ask yourself, is this voice my friend? If the voice is not your friend, criticize the super ego. And it is the role of the super ego to internalize social values and kind of regulate your behavior, modify your behavior. But the super ego can become sadistic and that’s another introject that is attacking you. The self is an internal object. The self is an internal object and usually the authentic voice is the voice of the self usually. So ask yourself a simple question. When the voice a voice talks to you, ask yourself, is this voice my friend? If the voice is not your friend, criticize
87:04 you harshly, puts you down, takes you apart, drives you to do bad things or selfharming things and so on, this voice is not you and you need to silence it. Another group of voices push you to behave in specific ways. These are the socially constructed voices. These are voices that impose on you roles. There is a role theory in psychology. Role theory that deals with roles. Roles are imposed by introjects. So the intro can tell you do this or behave this way or this is the profession you should be in or so these you harshly, puts you down, takes you apart, drives you to do bad things or selfharming things and so on, this voice is not you and you need to silence it. Another group of voices push you to behave in specific ways. These are the socially constructed voices. These are voices that impose on you roles. There is a role theory in psychology. Role theory that deals with roles. Roles are imposed by introjects. So the intro can tell you do this or behave this way or this is the profession you should be in or so these
87:42 are um goal oriented introjects. Introjects that drive you to accomplish certain things and so on. These introjects are not you. These are introjects that you absorbed from your father, from society, from your teachers, from they are not you. The only introject that is you is a self-compassionate introject that asks nothing of you, demands nothing of you, and is there only to soothe you and comfort you and love you and accept you. We’ll talk about it later tomorrow, I believe. But it’s important to find the are um goal oriented introjects. Introjects that drive you to accomplish certain things and so on. These introjects are not you. These are introjects that you absorbed from your father, from society, from your teachers, from they are not you. The only introject that is you is a self-compassionate introject that asks nothing of you, demands nothing of you, and is there only to soothe you and comfort you and love you and accept you. We’ll talk about it later tomorrow, I believe. But it’s important to find the
88:19 authentic voice and silence the other voices. And this is the de the the requirement of authenticity. Again I’m giving you an overview and the next two days we’re going to go deep into each and every one of these elements but this is just an overview. Okay. Next thing is positivity. We are in the mind in the mind segment of the ninefold whatever. Next thing is positivity. Positivity is not about being naive. Positivity is not being polianaish. Is not saying, you know, the world is all all pink and wonderful and and there are authentic voice and silence the other voices. And this is the de the the requirement of authenticity. Again I’m giving you an overview and the next two days we’re going to go deep into each and every one of these elements but this is just an overview. Okay. Next thing is positivity. We are in the mind in the mind segment of the ninefold whatever. Next thing is positivity. Positivity is not about being naive. Positivity is not being polianaish. Is not saying, you know, the world is all all pink and wonderful and and there are
88:55 no evil people and no evil deeds and the world sucks. It’s a horrible place. But you need to maintain a positive attitude in the sense that you need to believe that you can make a difference at least when it comes to you. Maybe you cannot make a difference to the whole world or to other people but at least when it comes to you. This positive mindset also precludes self-sacrifice. Precludes self-sacrifice and precludes people pleasing. So the two behaviors that you should avoid is to sacrifice yourself and to no evil people and no evil deeds and the world sucks. It’s a horrible place. But you need to maintain a positive attitude in the sense that you need to believe that you can make a difference at least when it comes to you. Maybe you cannot make a difference to the whole world or to other people but at least when it comes to you. This positive mindset also precludes self-sacrifice. Precludes self-sacrifice and precludes people pleasing. So the two behaviors that you should avoid is to sacrifice yourself and to
89:31 please people at your own expense. Now when you talk to certain parents especially mothers and so they would say but I sacrifice myself for you. Self-sacrifice is pathological. It’s unhealthy. You should never ever sacrifice yourself for anything or anyone. Period. That includes your children, your mother, your never ever sacrifice yourself. You should also never strive to please people and avoid controversy and conflict and unpleasant situations and by sacrificing something. Whatever you do should not involve sacrifice. Do not please people at your own expense. Now when you talk to certain parents especially mothers and so they would say but I sacrifice myself for you. Self-sacrifice is pathological. It’s unhealthy. You should never ever sacrifice yourself for anything or anyone. Period. That includes your children, your mother, your never ever sacrifice yourself. You should also never strive to please people and avoid controversy and conflict and unpleasant situations and by sacrificing something. Whatever you do should not involve sacrifice. Do not
90:12 confuse sacrifice with compromise. They’re not the same. Sacrifice is essential. Compromise is super superficial. Compromise is about things which do not endanger you, do not undermine your well-being, do not. So this is compromise. Sacrifice is essential. You give away part of your essence, part of your well-being, part of your mental health, part of your physical health. That is sacrifice and that is unhealthy. So positivity means no self-sacrifice, no people pleasing and developing the realization which is based in on in confuse sacrifice with compromise. They’re not the same. Sacrifice is essential. Compromise is super superficial. Compromise is about things which do not endanger you, do not undermine your well-being, do not. So this is compromise. Sacrifice is essential. You give away part of your essence, part of your well-being, part of your mental health, part of your physical health. That is sacrifice and that is unhealthy. So positivity means no self-sacrifice, no people pleasing and developing the realization which is based in on in
90:56 facts that you can make a difference when it comes to at least one person yourself. >> Sorry, heroes and self-sacrifice is a a very convoluted topic. It’s not as not as straightforward as and simple as it sounds. The last element of uh of uh the mind part is mindfulness. You’ve all heard of mindfulness therapies and mindfulness philosophies and so on so forth. Mindfulness simply states that you should be grounded in the here and now. You should pay attention to what’s happening in the present. You should pay facts that you can make a difference when it comes to at least one person yourself. >> Sorry, heroes and self-sacrifice is a a very convoluted topic. It’s not as not as straightforward as and simple as it sounds. The last element of uh of uh the mind part is mindfulness. You’ve all heard of mindfulness therapies and mindfulness philosophies and so on so forth. Mindfulness simply states that you should be grounded in the here and now. You should pay attention to what’s happening in the present. You should pay
91:37 attention to your body. You should pay attention to your mind. But you should pay attention to the here and now. You should not dwell in the past. You should not be obsessed with the past. You should not ruminate. You shouldn’t be stuck in the past. You should not blame the past all the time. You should not so you should not have a past orientation and you should not have a future orientation. You should not daydream. You should not fantasize. You should not be you should not be captive of some attention to your body. You should pay attention to your mind. But you should pay attention to the here and now. You should not dwell in the past. You should not be obsessed with the past. You should not ruminate. You shouldn’t be stuck in the past. You should not blame the past all the time. You should not so you should not have a past orientation and you should not have a future orientation. You should not daydream. You should not fantasize. You should not be you should not be captive of some
92:04 vision or some fantasy or some dream that actually paralyzes you in the present. So no future orientation, no past orientation but a present orientation, the here and now. This is mindfulness. And finally the three functions. I I said that there are three body elements, three mind elements and three functions. The first function is vigilant observer. Vigilant observer is someone who is prepared for all eventualities and all contingencies. Preparation is not paranoia. Preparation is not panic. Preparation is good sense and healthy. vision or some fantasy or some dream that actually paralyzes you in the present. So no future orientation, no past orientation but a present orientation, the here and now. This is mindfulness. And finally the three functions. I I said that there are three body elements, three mind elements and three functions. The first function is vigilant observer. Vigilant observer is someone who is prepared for all eventualities and all contingencies. Preparation is not paranoia. Preparation is not panic. Preparation is good sense and healthy.
92:48 So being prepared but not paranoid. Being prepared but not anxious. Being prepared in the sense that you anticipate actions and contingencies and eventualities and events and other people’s u conduct or misconduct and you prepare yourself for it. preparedness. At the same time, you investigate things, you explore things, you do your research. And this is a form of grounding. It’s a form of being in the here and now. So, vigilant observer. You observe, you are vigilant, you are prepared, you but you’re not paranoid So being prepared but not paranoid. Being prepared but not anxious. Being prepared in the sense that you anticipate actions and contingencies and eventualities and events and other people’s u conduct or misconduct and you prepare yourself for it. preparedness. At the same time, you investigate things, you explore things, you do your research. And this is a form of grounding. It’s a form of being in the here and now. So, vigilant observer. You observe, you are vigilant, you are prepared, you but you’re not paranoid
93:28 and you’re not The next function is the shielding sensor. The shielding sensor is you filter out harmful input inputs. So you censor you exercise censorship. You know the politically correct thing is you should respect everyone and you should respect everything. That’s not healthy. Of course, there are people you should disrespect and there are definitely opinions or disciplines or theories or that you should disrespect. I when I’m faced with uh when people tell me you may disagree with with and you’re not The next function is the shielding sensor. The shielding sensor is you filter out harmful input inputs. So you censor you exercise censorship. You know the politically correct thing is you should respect everyone and you should respect everything. That’s not healthy. Of course, there are people you should disrespect and there are definitely opinions or disciplines or theories or that you should disrespect. I when I’m faced with uh when people tell me you may disagree with with
94:12 religion but you should respect it. I’m sorry. I disagree with it because I deeply disrespect it. End of sorry. And I have the right to disrespect it. And I insist on disrespecting it because that’s who I am and I’m authentic. It’s healthy. This part in me is healthy, you know. So we should censor things. We should not be wide open because if you’re wide open, you don’t have boundaries. And boundaries is about saying no. You should develop the capacity to say no. And you should develop the capacity to religion but you should respect it. I’m sorry. I disagree with it because I deeply disrespect it. End of sorry. And I have the right to disrespect it. And I insist on disrespecting it because that’s who I am and I’m authentic. It’s healthy. This part in me is healthy, you know. So we should censor things. We should not be wide open because if you’re wide open, you don’t have boundaries. And boundaries is about saying no. You should develop the capacity to say no. And you should develop the capacity to
94:52 say I don’t agree with you and I also disrespect your position. You should have this capacity. You should become assertive, not aggressive. Aggression is a pathology. Assertiveness is healthy. And yet the overwhelming vast majority of us have been so conditioned and preconditioned that we are no longer boundaried. We are no longer boundaried and we are compelled by political correctness and worse to betray ourselves. It’s a form of self- betrayal. As far as I’m concerned, political cor say I don’t agree with you and I also disrespect your position. You should have this capacity. You should become assertive, not aggressive. Aggression is a pathology. Assertiveness is healthy. And yet the overwhelming vast majority of us have been so conditioned and preconditioned that we are no longer boundaried. We are no longer boundaried and we are compelled by political correctness and worse to betray ourselves. It’s a form of self- betrayal. As far as I’m concerned, political cor
95:32 correctness is self- betrayal because you are forced to not be you. You’re forced to not speak your mind. You’re forced to not use certain words. You’re forced to not insult people. you’re forced to respect things that are utterly disrespectful and so on so forth. I’m mentioning political correctness or walk movements or whatever not because I’m so politically inclined but because these are pathologies these are social pathologies in my view and um they they reflect what I told you earlier the correctness is self- betrayal because you are forced to not be you. You’re forced to not speak your mind. You’re forced to not use certain words. You’re forced to not insult people. you’re forced to respect things that are utterly disrespectful and so on so forth. I’m mentioning political correctness or walk movements or whatever not because I’m so politically inclined but because these are pathologies these are social pathologies in my view and um they they reflect what I told you earlier the
96:05 studies that found out that victimhood movements are actually highly narcissistic. So you need to censor things. You need to filter out things. You need to establish firm positions. You need to know who you are. You need to respect above all yourselves. You need to have boundaries. You need to enforce them. And you never succumb to what society tells you you should be. You’re authentic. Doesn’t mean that you have to be criminals. Of course, doesn’t mean to have to ostentatiously defy society. studies that found out that victimhood movements are actually highly narcissistic. So you need to censor things. You need to filter out things. You need to establish firm positions. You need to know who you are. You need to respect above all yourselves. You need to have boundaries. You need to enforce them. And you never succumb to what society tells you you should be. You’re authentic. Doesn’t mean that you have to be criminals. Of course, doesn’t mean to have to ostentatiously defy society.
96:43 This is psychopathy and it’s also stupid. But you need to have a clear view of who you are. This continuity that I mentioned and never ever compromise on your essential identity ever. And finally, reality sentinel. Reality Sentinel, you meet you need to maintain reality testing. Don’t allow anyone to distort your perception of reality to to um gaslight you, to make you doubt your judgment of of reality and so on so forth. Unless of course you’re mentally ill. If you’re mentally ill, you need This is psychopathy and it’s also stupid. But you need to have a clear view of who you are. This continuity that I mentioned and never ever compromise on your essential identity ever. And finally, reality sentinel. Reality Sentinel, you meet you need to maintain reality testing. Don’t allow anyone to distort your perception of reality to to um gaslight you, to make you doubt your judgment of of reality and so on so forth. Unless of course you’re mentally ill. If you’re mentally ill, you need
97:20 medications, you need help and so on. But for the vast majority of healthy people, your reality testing is usually intact and you should follow your perception of reality. It’s very easy to influence your reality testing. Narcissists do it habitually. We are talking about recovery from narcissistic abuse. In narcissistic abuse, all these things are compromised. All of them are compromised. Your relationship with your body, your authenticity, your uh ability to filter out harmful stuff, your your medications, you need help and so on. But for the vast majority of healthy people, your reality testing is usually intact and you should follow your perception of reality. It’s very easy to influence your reality testing. Narcissists do it habitually. We are talking about recovery from narcissistic abuse. In narcissistic abuse, all these things are compromised. All of them are compromised. Your relationship with your body, your authenticity, your uh ability to filter out harmful stuff, your your
97:53 um positivity, your all these things are compromised. And in the process of healing and recovery, you need gradually laboriously reestablish these building blocks. Again, you have been regressed by the narcissist to infancy. When you leave, when you exit the narcissistic relation, narcissist, narcissistic abusive relationship, you are infants. You’re infants again. And exactly like infants, you need to grow up. You need it’s like you’ve been in a horrible accident. You lost use of your legs. Now um positivity, your all these things are compromised. And in the process of healing and recovery, you need gradually laboriously reestablish these building blocks. Again, you have been regressed by the narcissist to infancy. When you leave, when you exit the narcissistic relation, narcissist, narcissistic abusive relationship, you are infants. You’re infants again. And exactly like infants, you need to grow up. You need it’s like you’ve been in a horrible accident. You lost use of your legs. Now
98:29 you are undergoing physiootherapy to regain the use of your legs. In the in your relationship with the narcissist, there was a use it or lose it. You were not allowed to use it. So you lost it. Now these muscles are atrophied. These muscles have not been used in a long time. And you need to begin to exercise these muscles. You need to build muscle mass like me. You need to build muscle mass and then you will begin the process of healing and recovery. Because right now all the instruments that you used to have before you have you are undergoing physiootherapy to regain the use of your legs. In the in your relationship with the narcissist, there was a use it or lose it. You were not allowed to use it. So you lost it. Now these muscles are atrophied. These muscles have not been used in a long time. And you need to begin to exercise these muscles. You need to build muscle mass like me. You need to build muscle mass and then you will begin the process of healing and recovery. Because right now all the instruments that you used to have before you have

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Summary

Abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Sam Vaknin, Trauma, Vaknin, Vaknin Summaries

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