Siblings and Parents Shape YOU Equally

Summary

The development of children is shaped by a dynamic and complex web of influences. While genetics play a significant role, the family environment—especially sibling relationships and birth order—critically affects personality formation and mental health. Parents and siblings contribute uniquely and interactively, with sibling competition, collaboration, and emergent roles deeply influencing children’s trajectories. Understanding these dynamics can help relieve parental guilt, clarify the origins of psychopathology, and inform better family support strategies. Future research integrating genetics and environmental factors offers hope for unraveling these mysteries and improving developmental outcomes for all children. Siblings and Parents Shape YOU Equally

Abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Sam Vaknin, Siblings, Trauma, Vaknin Summaries

January 30, 2026

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00:02 So how can we tell apart the impact that parents have on children and the impact that siblings have on on children? It’s a branch of the ancient conundrum between nature and nurture. Before I proceed, I would like to refer you to two playlists on my YouTube channel. The first one is the series of lectures on developmental psychology that I gave in Southeast European University. There’s a seu playlist and the from child to narcissist playlist where I deal with these issues at length. But So how can we tell apart the impact that parents have on children and the impact that siblings have on on children? It’s a branch of the ancient conundrum between nature and nurture. Before I proceed, I would like to refer you to two playlists on my YouTube channel. The first one is the series of lectures on developmental psychology that I gave in Southeast European University. There’s a seu playlist and the from child to narcissist playlist where I deal with these issues at length. But
00:40 this is a a serious issue. Separating distinguishing the various impacts and influences in early childhood is not an easy task. And of course immediately we revert to twins. Twins are the perfect laboratory experiment. [laughter] That’s why many scientists have twins. And what twins allow us to do is ignore the nature part because twins share almost all the DNA, the same genes, same chromosomes and so on so forth. The hereditary aspect can be put aside, can be neglected and then we can focus on this is a a serious issue. Separating distinguishing the various impacts and influences in early childhood is not an easy task. And of course immediately we revert to twins. Twins are the perfect laboratory experiment. [laughter] That’s why many scientists have twins. And what twins allow us to do is ignore the nature part because twins share almost all the DNA, the same genes, same chromosomes and so on so forth. The hereditary aspect can be put aside, can be neglected and then we can focus on
01:24 the environment, on nurture, on upbringing, on education, on what Bandura called modeling, on social learning. And so there are many twin studies and the shocking result is this. The environment, the home, the household, the family have a tiny impact on personal development. Almost none according to twin studies. We have discovered that twins grow up to be completely different people with different characters, different temperaments, different personalities, different personal outcomes, different the environment, on nurture, on upbringing, on education, on what Bandura called modeling, on social learning. And so there are many twin studies and the shocking result is this. The environment, the home, the household, the family have a tiny impact on personal development. Almost none according to twin studies. We have discovered that twins grow up to be completely different people with different characters, different temperaments, different personalities, different personal outcomes, different
02:10 efficacies, different everything. Even though they have been brought in the same household, brought up in the same household by the same parents under the same roof with the same rules and regulations, subject to the same disciplines and expectations. Despite this invariability in nurture, nature took over and the twins evolved separately as separate people who can be easily told apart because they are so contradictory. So one twin is one kind of person, the other twin is a completely different antithe antithesis efficacies, different everything. Even though they have been brought in the same household, brought up in the same household by the same parents under the same roof with the same rules and regulations, subject to the same disciplines and expectations. Despite this invariability in nurture, nature took over and the twins evolved separately as separate people who can be easily told apart because they are so contradictory. So one twin is one kind of person, the other twin is a completely different antithe antithesis
02:58 of the first twin. Complete different opposite of the first twin even though they’ve both grown up in the same household. And so this raises a very interesting issue. Siblings personality end up as different as those of any two strangers on the street. And perhaps our tendency to blame parents, especially the mothers, for anything that goes wrong is wrong. Perhaps nature is the trump card. Perhaps it is nature that determines whether some children will develop any kind of abnormal psychology, of the first twin. Complete different opposite of the first twin even though they’ve both grown up in the same household. And so this raises a very interesting issue. Siblings personality end up as different as those of any two strangers on the street. And perhaps our tendency to blame parents, especially the mothers, for anything that goes wrong is wrong. Perhaps nature is the trump card. Perhaps it is nature that determines whether some children will develop any kind of abnormal psychology,
03:42 psychopathologies, [snorts] personality disorders, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, you name it. Perhaps her heredity is to blame. Perhaps genes are the number one, two, and three factor. And perhaps we should finally relieve the guilt and the shame of parents by pointing out to these twin studies. The choices that many parents agonize over don’t seem to matter nearly as much as we have imagined. It seems that genetics um play plays a dominant role. Well, not so fast. Not so fast. The problem in isolating the nurture psychopathologies, [snorts] personality disorders, mood disorders, anxiety disorders, you name it. Perhaps her heredity is to blame. Perhaps genes are the number one, two, and three factor. And perhaps we should finally relieve the guilt and the shame of parents by pointing out to these twin studies. The choices that many parents agonize over don’t seem to matter nearly as much as we have imagined. It seems that genetics um play plays a dominant role. Well, not so fast. Not so fast. The problem in isolating the nurture
04:32 aspect of childhood is that it is comprised of a lot more than par parents. While we can easily isolate heredity, genes, chromosomes, um phenotypes, genotypes and even epigenetic influences. While we can isolate all these because they’re quantifiable, they are measurable, they are scientific, when we come to the environment, when we come to nurture, when we come to upbringing, when we come to childhood, we have a serious problem because many many many factors interact. parents, neighbors, teachers, siblings, aspect of childhood is that it is comprised of a lot more than par parents. While we can easily isolate heredity, genes, chromosomes, um phenotypes, genotypes and even epigenetic influences. While we can isolate all these because they’re quantifiable, they are measurable, they are scientific, when we come to the environment, when we come to nurture, when we come to upbringing, when we come to childhood, we have a serious problem because many many many factors interact. parents, neighbors, teachers, siblings,
05:22 role models, real and on screen, you name it, social media. I mean so many factors, so many inputs, so many elements and components and ingredients in the mix that it’s very difficult to isolate the parenting aspect and point a finger and say this is the quantifiable contribution of the parent, mother or father, to the child’s eventual development. Nurture is a hell of a lot more complex than heredity. The environmental effects that a child is exposed to are vast. And so we need to step back and we need role models, real and on screen, you name it, social media. I mean so many factors, so many inputs, so many elements and components and ingredients in the mix that it’s very difficult to isolate the parenting aspect and point a finger and say this is the quantifiable contribution of the parent, mother or father, to the child’s eventual development. Nurture is a hell of a lot more complex than heredity. The environmental effects that a child is exposed to are vast. And so we need to step back and we need
06:06 to begin to rethink the whole picture. For example, children spend a lot of time actually the majority of time not with their parents. They spend a lot more time with siblings and peers. Should we shift the emphasis from parents to siblings and peers? On the other hand, we know that children are highly unlikely to socialize with peers prior to age 36 months. I mean, socialization socializing with peers starts at about 18 months, but it flourishes and flowers into full bloom at age 36 months. So peers don’t seem to be a decisive to begin to rethink the whole picture. For example, children spend a lot of time actually the majority of time not with their parents. They spend a lot more time with siblings and peers. Should we shift the emphasis from parents to siblings and peers? On the other hand, we know that children are highly unlikely to socialize with peers prior to age 36 months. I mean, socialization socializing with peers starts at about 18 months, but it flourishes and flowers into full bloom at age 36 months. So peers don’t seem to be a decisive
06:48 factor in the emergence of psychopathology. However, siblings are there. Siblings are always there from day one. If a child has older siblings, they’re present in the child’s life from the minute of conception. The minute the child is newborn, the child is immediately exposed to siblings. So we could summize, we could postulate that parents and siblings are co-equal, they contribute equally to the personal development and growth and the formation of the self and the personality of the child even in early factor in the emergence of psychopathology. However, siblings are there. Siblings are always there from day one. If a child has older siblings, they’re present in the child’s life from the minute of conception. The minute the child is newborn, the child is immediately exposed to siblings. So we could summize, we could postulate that parents and siblings are co-equal, they contribute equally to the personal development and growth and the formation of the self and the personality of the child even in early
07:34 childhood. Of course, many children don’t have early sibling, don’t have older siblings. So these are firstborns and I will talk about them or discuss them a bit later. So Lizard Damour, a psychologist and author who wrote profusely about adolescence says this. I think the influence of siblings on each other is an area in psychology that has not nearly received the attention that it deserves. I fully agree. When we look at child development, our main frameworks have been around the influence of parents on childhood. Of course, many children don’t have early sibling, don’t have older siblings. So these are firstborns and I will talk about them or discuss them a bit later. So Lizard Damour, a psychologist and author who wrote profusely about adolescence says this. I think the influence of siblings on each other is an area in psychology that has not nearly received the attention that it deserves. I fully agree. When we look at child development, our main frameworks have been around the influence of parents on
08:14 children. And that’s the established tradition that we have had a hard time moving past. I fully agree with her because sibling relationships play a powerful role in affecting and determining who we who we become. Allison Gopnik, a developmental psychologist, wrote this. If parents are the fixed stars in the child’s universe, the vaguely understood distant but constant celestial spheres, siblings of the dazzling, sometimes scorching comets nearby. This astronomical metaphor is pretty apt. children. And that’s the established tradition that we have had a hard time moving past. I fully agree with her because sibling relationships play a powerful role in affecting and determining who we who we become. Allison Gopnik, a developmental psychologist, wrote this. If parents are the fixed stars in the child’s universe, the vaguely understood distant but constant celestial spheres, siblings of the dazzling, sometimes scorching comets nearby. This astronomical metaphor is pretty apt.
08:56 Siblings are much more intense than parents. Even when the parent is disregulated, even when when the parent is abusive and traumatizing, even when the parent is punitive verbally, psychologically or physically, even when the parent is demanding, parentifying, instrumentalizing, even when the parent is spoiling and pampering, the parents presence is very limited. And the child experiences the parent as some kind of remote godlike divine infallible object not as a real full-fledged human being. The child’s Siblings are much more intense than parents. Even when the parent is disregulated, even when when the parent is abusive and traumatizing, even when the parent is punitive verbally, psychologically or physically, even when the parent is demanding, parentifying, instrumentalizing, even when the parent is spoiling and pampering, the parents presence is very limited. And the child experiences the parent as some kind of remote godlike divine infallible object not as a real full-fledged human being. The child’s
09:42 relationship with older siblings or same age siblings in the case of twins. This relationship is much more intense, much more colorful, much more multi-dimensional. So relationships with siblings have a bigger contribution psychonamically than relationships with parents. The ethiology of psychopathology therefore has to take into account parental contributions es especially initially maternal contributions and sibling contributions where and if siblings are present. Researchers have studied how siblings relationship with older siblings or same age siblings in the case of twins. This relationship is much more intense, much more colorful, much more multi-dimensional. So relationships with siblings have a bigger contribution psychonamically than relationships with parents. The ethiology of psychopathology therefore has to take into account parental contributions es especially initially maternal contributions and sibling contributions where and if siblings are present. Researchers have studied how siblings
10:26 influence one another’s choices and life trajectories and they do this via competition and what is called a spillover effect. Siblings compete. As I said, competition is an inevitable ineluctable aspect of relationships between siblings. Even when the siblings love each other, are close to each other, are supportive, compassionate, affectionate, empathic, even then there is an underlying current of competition, a constant comparison uh what we call in psychology relative positioning. You could think of siblings as kind of influence one another’s choices and life trajectories and they do this via competition and what is called a spillover effect. Siblings compete. As I said, competition is an inevitable ineluctable aspect of relationships between siblings. Even when the siblings love each other, are close to each other, are supportive, compassionate, affectionate, empathic, even then there is an underlying current of competition, a constant comparison uh what we call in psychology relative positioning. You could think of siblings as kind of
11:14 flesh and blood social media. So when you have a sibling, the sibling becomes a reference point, especially an older sibling, especially an accomplished sibling, especially a much beloved sibling where the parents show a kind of preference for the sibling. So this kind of sibling becomes the northern star, a point of reference and there is always a desperate attempt to imitate and im emulate the siblings and to surpass and supersede the sibling to become more than the sibling. And so this is known as the spillover flesh and blood social media. So when you have a sibling, the sibling becomes a reference point, especially an older sibling, especially an accomplished sibling, especially a much beloved sibling where the parents show a kind of preference for the sibling. So this kind of sibling becomes the northern star, a point of reference and there is always a desperate attempt to imitate and im emulate the siblings and to surpass and supersede the sibling to become more than the sibling. And so this is known as the spillover
11:56 effect. It’s when the experience of having a sibling somehow determines one’s emotions, cognitions, goals in life, self-perception or self-concept and placement within the family in emergent roles such as golden child or scapegoat or the genius or the fixer or the people pleaser. Siblings help to determine the roles of other siblings. Siblings are the ones who report to the parents. They act as spies in effect. And so parents derive a lot of information regarding their own children from effect. It’s when the experience of having a sibling somehow determines one’s emotions, cognitions, goals in life, self-perception or self-concept and placement within the family in emergent roles such as golden child or scapegoat or the genius or the fixer or the people pleaser. Siblings help to determine the roles of other siblings. Siblings are the ones who report to the parents. They act as spies in effect. And so parents derive a lot of information regarding their own children from
12:41 siblings. And so siblings help to determine how the parent views the child and the way the parent views the child helps to determine the way the child’s behaves and what the child tends to become. These are known as emergent roles and many of these roles are lifelong. If within a family during childhood you were considered to be the people pleaser or the fixer, you’re likely to maintain this role throughout life. If you were considered to be the black sheep or the scapegoat, you are likely to persist in this role siblings. And so siblings help to determine how the parent views the child and the way the parent views the child helps to determine the way the child’s behaves and what the child tends to become. These are known as emergent roles and many of these roles are lifelong. If within a family during childhood you were considered to be the people pleaser or the fixer, you’re likely to maintain this role throughout life. If you were considered to be the black sheep or the scapegoat, you are likely to persist in this role
13:19 throughout life and you’re likely to interact with your parents and siblings under the guise of this role. You are unable to get rid of this role. And here siblings determine the role as much as parents do because of the information asymmetry that I’ve mentioned earlier. This has something to do with birth order. Are you a firstborn? Are you a second born? Are you a third born? We’re going to delve into this a bit later. So, the spillover effect is especially pronounced when there is a discrepancy throughout life and you’re likely to interact with your parents and siblings under the guise of this role. You are unable to get rid of this role. And here siblings determine the role as much as parents do because of the information asymmetry that I’ve mentioned earlier. This has something to do with birth order. Are you a firstborn? Are you a second born? Are you a third born? We’re going to delve into this a bit later. So, the spillover effect is especially pronounced when there is a discrepancy
13:58 in accomplishments or perceived accomplishments between siblings. when some siblings are either actually more accomplished, more successful, more for example, socially popular, more academically um accomplished and the other siblings are not. When there is this gap or this discrepancy or abyss between the siblings, the competition is much more fierce. And siblings tend to adopt two strategies, competition and collaboration. [snorts] Sometimes siblings create coalitions. You you could have two siblings ganging in accomplishments or perceived accomplishments between siblings. when some siblings are either actually more accomplished, more successful, more for example, socially popular, more academically um accomplished and the other siblings are not. When there is this gap or this discrepancy or abyss between the siblings, the competition is much more fierce. And siblings tend to adopt two strategies, competition and collaboration. [snorts] Sometimes siblings create coalitions. You you could have two siblings ganging
14:45 up on a third sibling. You could have two siblings conspiring and colluding to steal something or to humiliate another sibling. You could have two sibling working together to elevate another sibling, to support another sibling, to adulate, admire another sibling or to provide another sibling with with all kinds of things. Siblings can become enablers. one of the siblings for example can engage in antisocial behavior and then the other siblings would cover up for this behavior or they would contribute up on a third sibling. You could have two siblings conspiring and colluding to steal something or to humiliate another sibling. You could have two sibling working together to elevate another sibling, to support another sibling, to adulate, admire another sibling or to provide another sibling with with all kinds of things. Siblings can become enablers. one of the siblings for example can engage in antisocial behavior and then the other siblings would cover up for this behavior or they would contribute
15:20 to the antisocial behavior. So there’s a lot of collaboration and competition going on at the very same moment simultaneously and this complicates the picture. This complicates the picture because siblings transition seamlessly between competition, rabid, virulent competition, hateful competition and collaboration, especially when siblings cooperate against someone. So siblings can collaborate and cooperate against an abusive parent. Siblings can work together against a teacher, against peers, against other people. So there’s to the antisocial behavior. So there’s a lot of collaboration and competition going on at the very same moment simultaneously and this complicates the picture. This complicates the picture because siblings transition seamlessly between competition, rabid, virulent competition, hateful competition and collaboration, especially when siblings cooperate against someone. So siblings can collaborate and cooperate against an abusive parent. Siblings can work together against a teacher, against peers, against other people. So there’s
16:06 a lot of collaboration which is defensive. And these coalitions are ever shifting. They’re on the fly. They are improvised. They are impromptu coalitions. They there there’s no rigidity in the relationships between siblings. It is this flux, this fluidity of interactions between siblings that brings out all the aspects of the personality in sibling relationships. Whereas a child tends to interact with a parent only in one way. the child has a mask or the child has a persona or the child is a maintains some kind of facade a lot of collaboration which is defensive. And these coalitions are ever shifting. They’re on the fly. They are improvised. They are impromptu coalitions. They there there’s no rigidity in the relationships between siblings. It is this flux, this fluidity of interactions between siblings that brings out all the aspects of the personality in sibling relationships. Whereas a child tends to interact with a parent only in one way. the child has a mask or the child has a persona or the child is a maintains some kind of facade
16:52 or the child acts the part fulfills the role with a parent. So the child interacts with the parent in highly rigid and predictable ways. That is not true with the siblings. With siblings, the child is much more dynamic, much more fluid, much less predictable, much more indeterminate and uncertain. The child tends to show or demonstrate to the siblings all the aspects of the child’s personality, character, and temperament, which is not the case with parents. Psychologists have long maintained that or the child acts the part fulfills the role with a parent. So the child interacts with the parent in highly rigid and predictable ways. That is not true with the siblings. With siblings, the child is much more dynamic, much more fluid, much less predictable, much more indeterminate and uncertain. The child tends to show or demonstrate to the siblings all the aspects of the child’s personality, character, and temperament, which is not the case with parents. Psychologists have long maintained that
17:30 siblings tend to find ways to differentiate themselves from one another. So there’s not only an issue of competition, there’s not only an issue of imitation and emulation. Within competition, there’s not only an issue of collaboration, including defensive collaboration, there’s also the the issue of differentiation. Siblings want to stand out. They don’t want to be confused or mixed with other siblings. Siblings want to develop an identity, a personality, boundaries, something recognizable. siblings tend to find ways to differentiate themselves from one another. So there’s not only an issue of competition, there’s not only an issue of imitation and emulation. Within competition, there’s not only an issue of collaboration, including defensive collaboration, there’s also the the issue of differentiation. Siblings want to stand out. They don’t want to be confused or mixed with other siblings. Siblings want to develop an identity, a personality, boundaries, something recognizable.
18:05 something that differentiates them, that distinguishes them from other siblings. And so roles, emergent roles within families are one way to distinguish yourself. Sometimes one sometimes children would willingly adopt negative roles. negative roles such as black sheep or scapegoat or the bad guy or the bad girl or or a or whatever. They would adopt negative roles because that’s the only way they can distinguish themselves, attract attention, develop an identity, become someone. I’ve mentioned the birth order in a something that differentiates them, that distinguishes them from other siblings. And so roles, emergent roles within families are one way to distinguish yourself. Sometimes one sometimes children would willingly adopt negative roles. negative roles such as black sheep or scapegoat or the bad guy or the bad girl or or a or whatever. They would adopt negative roles because that’s the only way they can distinguish themselves, attract attention, develop an identity, become someone. I’ve mentioned the birth order in a
18:50 family, the first born, the second born, the third born. And it is a common trope almost a stereotype that firstborns get everything. They get all the attention, all the resources and that firstborns tend to be more intelligent and more accomplished, happy golucky. They transition through life and they’re a bit narcissistic, self-centered, exploitative, and disempathic. That is the common view. That is the granny wisdom. That’s the wisdom that is communicated by old people. Is it true? Surprisingly, it is. Grandma’s wisdom is family, the first born, the second born, the third born. And it is a common trope almost a stereotype that firstborns get everything. They get all the attention, all the resources and that firstborns tend to be more intelligent and more accomplished, happy golucky. They transition through life and they’re a bit narcissistic, self-centered, exploitative, and disempathic. That is the common view. That is the granny wisdom. That’s the wisdom that is communicated by old people. Is it true? Surprisingly, it is. Grandma’s wisdom is
19:37 true. In this case, the birth order in a family does tend to predict which of the siblings will perform better, for example, at school. There is a very robust body of research that demonstrates the same consistent effect. The oldest sibling in a family tends to get the strongest grades, move further in society, accomplish things, have a more structured and orderly life, succeed in meeting milestones like having a family, having children, having a steady job and so on so forth. is generally more egoonic, true. In this case, the birth order in a family does tend to predict which of the siblings will perform better, for example, at school. There is a very robust body of research that demonstrates the same consistent effect. The oldest sibling in a family tends to get the strongest grades, move further in society, accomplish things, have a more structured and orderly life, succeed in meeting milestones like having a family, having children, having a steady job and so on so forth. is generally more egoonic,
20:23 more happy and comfortable with himself or herself. And one of the reasons is probably because the firstborn gets a disproportional amount of resources from the parents and tends to be the favored golden child. These are all facts established in research. Research found that parents enforce rules with older siblings with oldest with the firstborns. Rules which are more stringent, more demanding, more rigid. But at the same time, parents reward the firstborn. They give more benefits to the firstborn. And this more happy and comfortable with himself or herself. And one of the reasons is probably because the firstborn gets a disproportional amount of resources from the parents and tends to be the favored golden child. These are all facts established in research. Research found that parents enforce rules with older siblings with oldest with the firstborns. Rules which are more stringent, more demanding, more rigid. But at the same time, parents reward the firstborn. They give more benefits to the firstborn. And this
21:04 starts as early as pregnancy. Studies have demonstrated that mothers tend to take better care of themselves with a firstborn than with a second or third born. Mothers neglect themselves during the second and third pregnancy. While with the first pregnancy, they are very attuned to their prenatal health. They take care of themselves. For example, mothers would tend to drink alcohol during the second and third pregnancy, but very rarely with the first pregnancy. Amazing, isn’t it? Parents also lavish starts as early as pregnancy. Studies have demonstrated that mothers tend to take better care of themselves with a firstborn than with a second or third born. Mothers neglect themselves during the second and third pregnancy. While with the first pregnancy, they are very attuned to their prenatal health. They take care of themselves. For example, mothers would tend to drink alcohol during the second and third pregnancy, but very rarely with the first pregnancy. Amazing, isn’t it? Parents also lavish
21:46 more attention on the first child during the developmentally crucial first months of life up to 36 months. The amount of attention that mothers give to firstborn children is almost double than the amount of attention that they give to secondborn child and almost triple the amount they give of attention that they give to a thirdborn child. There seems to be some linear progression in the amount in the allocation of attention. Of course, one has to take into account that a third child has to compete for more attention on the first child during the developmentally crucial first months of life up to 36 months. The amount of attention that mothers give to firstborn children is almost double than the amount of attention that they give to secondborn child and almost triple the amount they give of attention that they give to a thirdborn child. There seems to be some linear progression in the amount in the allocation of attention. Of course, one has to take into account that a third child has to compete for
22:23 attention with two other siblings, and the amount of attention is limited because they’re only 24 hours a day. Researchers analyzed databases comprising some 5,000 American children. They found that the oldest child in the family performed best on cognitive tests as early as the first birthday. Younger siblings, second born, third born when they reach the same age could not attain the same results. They were inferior as far as cognition goes. Their cognitive capacity and their cognitive skills were were reduced when attention with two other siblings, and the amount of attention is limited because they’re only 24 hours a day. Researchers analyzed databases comprising some 5,000 American children. They found that the oldest child in the family performed best on cognitive tests as early as the first birthday. Younger siblings, second born, third born when they reach the same age could not attain the same results. They were inferior as far as cognition goes. Their cognitive capacity and their cognitive skills were were reduced when
23:03 compared to the firstborn. The older children, the firstborns also went on to win better grades in school. Parents claim to love their children equally. That is a nonsensical myth. Parents do not love their children equally. It would be shocking and surprising if they did. Children have distinct personalities from very early on in life. Even I would say from the first six days of life. Some babies cry, some babies don’t. Some babies are demanding and petulant. Some babies are nice and cozy and pleasant. compared to the firstborn. The older children, the firstborns also went on to win better grades in school. Parents claim to love their children equally. That is a nonsensical myth. Parents do not love their children equally. It would be shocking and surprising if they did. Children have distinct personalities from very early on in life. Even I would say from the first six days of life. Some babies cry, some babies don’t. Some babies are demanding and petulant. Some babies are nice and cozy and pleasant.
23:39 You it’s impossible to demand of a parent to react identically and to get attached similarly and to affect to emotionally invest in children the same way because the children are not the same. All parents have a favorite child what came to be called came to be known as a golden child and all parents have a scapegoat and roles are allocated in the family by both parents and the siblings as I’ve mentioned and these roles tend to tend to cement the child’s place and position in the family and attention and You it’s impossible to demand of a parent to react identically and to get attached similarly and to affect to emotionally invest in children the same way because the children are not the same. All parents have a favorite child what came to be called came to be known as a golden child and all parents have a scapegoat and roles are allocated in the family by both parents and the siblings as I’ve mentioned and these roles tend to tend to cement the child’s place and position in the family and attention and
24:16 resources allocated according to the roles the parents expectations and hopes and dreams and fantasies often are centered on or focused on a specific child, usually the firstborn. And so there’s very little left for for the other children. And the other children need to establish themselves by competing against the firstborn, collaborating sometimes with the firstborn and differentiating themselves not only from the parent, a process known as negative identity formation, but to differentiate themselves from the resources allocated according to the roles the parents expectations and hopes and dreams and fantasies often are centered on or focused on a specific child, usually the firstborn. And so there’s very little left for for the other children. And the other children need to establish themselves by competing against the firstborn, collaborating sometimes with the firstborn and differentiating themselves not only from the parent, a process known as negative identity formation, but to differentiate themselves from the
24:50 siblings. There’s no easy way of getting around the reality that the firstborn enjoys it all. The parents have more time. They enrich the environment. They they uh uh endow the child or bestow upon the child resources. Firstborn takes it takes it all has won the lottery. So recently the focus of research has been uh to study how second and third bones seek to different to make a life for themselves to differentiate themselves whether their personalities including personality quirks eccentricities and siblings. There’s no easy way of getting around the reality that the firstborn enjoys it all. The parents have more time. They enrich the environment. They they uh uh endow the child or bestow upon the child resources. Firstborn takes it takes it all has won the lottery. So recently the focus of research has been uh to study how second and third bones seek to different to make a life for themselves to differentiate themselves whether their personalities including personality quirks eccentricities and
25:38 pathologies whether they are determined by this desperate attempt to stand out to be distinguished to attract attention to secure at least a slice of the pie, some of the resources. This survival, this survival coping strategies, this need to somehow um prevail, does it impact second [snorts] and third bones more than it does the first bones? In other words, if we were to assume that a psychopathology, if we were to assume that a mental illness, personality disorder, for example, is a reaction to a home environment which is pathologies whether they are determined by this desperate attempt to stand out to be distinguished to attract attention to secure at least a slice of the pie, some of the resources. This survival, this survival coping strategies, this need to somehow um prevail, does it impact second [snorts] and third bones more than it does the first bones? In other words, if we were to assume that a psychopathology, if we were to assume that a mental illness, personality disorder, for example, is a reaction to a home environment which is
26:23 somehow lacking, a home environment which is neglectful, which is abusive, which is traumatizing, or on the other hand, a home environment which is idolizing and pedestalizing and instrumentalizing and parentifying. If we were to assume that a pathology is reactive, is not genetically determined, is not the outcome of heredity, it’s the outcome of the interplay between heredity and environment, nature and nurture. If we were to assume this, then it would stand to reason that pathologies would be more common and somehow lacking, a home environment which is neglectful, which is abusive, which is traumatizing, or on the other hand, a home environment which is idolizing and pedestalizing and instrumentalizing and parentifying. If we were to assume that a pathology is reactive, is not genetically determined, is not the outcome of heredity, it’s the outcome of the interplay between heredity and environment, nature and nurture. If we were to assume this, then it would stand to reason that pathologies would be more common and
26:56 more prevalent among the second borns and third borns than among the firstborns. Is this the case? Is this true? Actually, it’s not. For example, the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder is higher among firstborns. And that is because one of the developmental paths of narcissistic personality disorder is a parent who is idolizing, pampering, spoiling. A parent who tells the child that the child can do no wrong. A parent who keeps blaming others for the child’s failures and defeats and misbehavior. A more prevalent among the second borns and third borns than among the firstborns. Is this the case? Is this true? Actually, it’s not. For example, the prevalence of narcissistic personality disorder is higher among firstborns. And that is because one of the developmental paths of narcissistic personality disorder is a parent who is idolizing, pampering, spoiling. A parent who tells the child that the child can do no wrong. A parent who keeps blaming others for the child’s failures and defeats and misbehavior. A
27:37 parents a parent who bridges the child’s boundaries, forces the child to fulfill the parents dreams, wishes, fantasies and expectations, instrumentalizes the child or a parent who uses the child as a parent figure. In all these cases which are very common among firstborn but not common among second born and third born the propensity to develop narcissistic personality disorder is much higher. So it’s not so much the amount of attention that determines the emergence of psychopathology. It’s the kind of attention, the type of parents a parent who bridges the child’s boundaries, forces the child to fulfill the parents dreams, wishes, fantasies and expectations, instrumentalizes the child or a parent who uses the child as a parent figure. In all these cases which are very common among firstborn but not common among second born and third born the propensity to develop narcissistic personality disorder is much higher. So it’s not so much the amount of attention that determines the emergence of psychopathology. It’s the kind of attention, the type of
28:20 attention. Some attention by parental figures and siblings is very bad. Some kinds of attention force the child to develop pathological defenses. Some kinds of attention push the child to deny itself, to fake, to pretend. Some kinds of attention are threatening, challenging, sadistic. So when the child is in receipt of attention from parents and siblings and this attention is benign, benevolent, loving, compassionate, affectionate and so on, the amount of the quantity of attention is not important. attention. Some attention by parental figures and siblings is very bad. Some kinds of attention force the child to develop pathological defenses. Some kinds of attention push the child to deny itself, to fake, to pretend. Some kinds of attention are threatening, challenging, sadistic. So when the child is in receipt of attention from parents and siblings and this attention is benign, benevolent, loving, compassionate, affectionate and so on, the amount of the quantity of attention is not important.
29:08 It’s the quality, not the quantity. For example, some rearch researchers found that younger siblings over are over represented in athletic pursuits where the older sibling especially firstborns are more academically accomplished. The younger siblings in an attempt to differentiate themselves become athletically accomplished in sports. And in this particular case, there is no impingement or impact on the self-concept, self-esteem, self-confidence, and the sense of self-worth because the parents It’s the quality, not the quantity. For example, some rearch researchers found that younger siblings over are over represented in athletic pursuits where the older sibling especially firstborns are more academically accomplished. The younger siblings in an attempt to differentiate themselves become athletically accomplished in sports. And in this particular case, there is no impingement or impact on the self-concept, self-esteem, self-confidence, and the sense of self-worth because the parents
29:49 lord and compliment the younger children for their athletic accomplishments the same way they compliment the firstborn for academic accomplishments. Researchers theorize that second borns and third borns or for example girls and women uh push themselves so that they can compare themselves favorably with older siblings or with some kind of preferred gender. In some societies and cultures masculine gender is preferred to feminine gender. So one way to differentiate yourself is to be accomplished. For example, athletically lord and compliment the younger children for their athletic accomplishments the same way they compliment the firstborn for academic accomplishments. Researchers theorize that second borns and third borns or for example girls and women uh push themselves so that they can compare themselves favorably with older siblings or with some kind of preferred gender. In some societies and cultures masculine gender is preferred to feminine gender. So one way to differentiate yourself is to be accomplished. For example, athletically
30:32 as a woman. There’s informal competition that permeates and pervades the familial space and it pushes each and every one of the siblings to excel in some area. And as long as this is happening, nothing’s wrong with it. It’s great. It leads people to create for themselves lives which are happy, which are egoonic, lives which they can flourish and thrive in. It was it is when the parents or siblings put down the child, criticize the child, negate the child’s accomplishments, shame the child, humiliate the child, as a woman. There’s informal competition that permeates and pervades the familial space and it pushes each and every one of the siblings to excel in some area. And as long as this is happening, nothing’s wrong with it. It’s great. It leads people to create for themselves lives which are happy, which are egoonic, lives which they can flourish and thrive in. It was it is when the parents or siblings put down the child, criticize the child, negate the child’s accomplishments, shame the child, humiliate the child,
31:19 undervalue and underestimate the child. Only then do we have a kind the emergence of pathological defenses. So younger siblings according to studies are likely to start playing sports earlier and they accomplish much more in athletics than firstborns. Uh John Berger a professor of marketing at the Wharton school wrote a book in visible influence and he explored the phenomenon of younger siblings in sports. He noted one study of some 250 athletes, all of whom came from families with two children or more. And he found the study undervalue and underestimate the child. Only then do we have a kind the emergence of pathological defenses. So younger siblings according to studies are likely to start playing sports earlier and they accomplish much more in athletics than firstborns. Uh John Berger a professor of marketing at the Wharton school wrote a book in visible influence and he explored the phenomenon of younger siblings in sports. He noted one study of some 250 athletes, all of whom came from families with two children or more. And he found the study
32:05 found that younger siblings are over represented at the elite level of sports even if they don’t have older siblings who played the same sport. So Burgerer argued that this suggests that younger siblings are seeking to differentiate themselves from their academically stronger older siblings rather than just benefiting from some kind of expertise or or career track. How siblings differentiate is often a function of their family’s resources. Providing one child with money, clothing, access to lessons, extracurricular found that younger siblings are over represented at the elite level of sports even if they don’t have older siblings who played the same sport. So Burgerer argued that this suggests that younger siblings are seeking to differentiate themselves from their academically stronger older siblings rather than just benefiting from some kind of expertise or or career track. How siblings differentiate is often a function of their family’s resources. Providing one child with money, clothing, access to lessons, extracurricular
32:45 lessons, showering one child with attention to detail and love, managing or micromanaging one child’s career would inevitably yield a winner and the other children in such a family would be deprived. So time is the greatest resources that parents can endow on their children. Even when the parent doesn’t have money, the parent can give the child some time. And the allocation of time between siblings is a major issue and I believe one of the key drivers of the emergence of psychopathology. lessons, showering one child with attention to detail and love, managing or micromanaging one child’s career would inevitably yield a winner and the other children in such a family would be deprived. So time is the greatest resources that parents can endow on their children. Even when the parent doesn’t have money, the parent can give the child some time. And the allocation of time between siblings is a major issue and I believe one of the key drivers of the emergence of psychopathology.
33:29 Children interpret time with a parent as a kind of commodity. Children don’t really care if the parent is abusive or traumatizing or bad or selfish or absent-minded or they don’t really care. They just want to spend time with a parent. Children would go to any length to spend time with a parent. Children would pay any price to spend time with a parent. The notion of quality time is nonsense. It is not supported by by studies or by research. Children don’t make a distinction between quality good time and bad time. Children interpret time with a parent as a kind of commodity. Children don’t really care if the parent is abusive or traumatizing or bad or selfish or absent-minded or they don’t really care. They just want to spend time with a parent. Children would go to any length to spend time with a parent. Children would pay any price to spend time with a parent. The notion of quality time is nonsense. It is not supported by by studies or by research. Children don’t make a distinction between quality good time and bad time.
34:10 An abused child is still a child who is attended to. Abuse is mispersceived by the child as a kind of attention. The child regards abuse abuse as a positive thing because if the parent abuses the child, it means the parent notices the child. It means the parent is paying attention to the child. It means the parent in some twisted way cares about the child. So it’s a competition for time and the firstborn usually wins. The firstborn gets a lot more time than the second and third born. And this could lead to a An abused child is still a child who is attended to. Abuse is mispersceived by the child as a kind of attention. The child regards abuse abuse as a positive thing because if the parent abuses the child, it means the parent notices the child. It means the parent is paying attention to the child. It means the parent in some twisted way cares about the child. So it’s a competition for time and the firstborn usually wins. The firstborn gets a lot more time than the second and third born. And this could lead to a
34:46 pathology because the second and third born have to stand out in some way. They have to please the parent, serve the parent, cater to the parent needs, obey the parent. Or on the other hand, they could be defined and consummatious, reject authority, become antisocial. There are many strategies and techniques to secure a slice of the parents time and attention. However, in the case of the firstborn, there is the opposite problem. Too much exposure to parental time and attention. The parent is too present in pathology because the second and third born have to stand out in some way. They have to please the parent, serve the parent, cater to the parent needs, obey the parent. Or on the other hand, they could be defined and consummatious, reject authority, become antisocial. There are many strategies and techniques to secure a slice of the parents time and attention. However, in the case of the firstborn, there is the opposite problem. Too much exposure to parental time and attention. The parent is too present in
35:25 the firstborn’s life. And so the firstborn defends against the parents time, investment, energy, and resources. Whereas the second born and the third born, they try to elicit the parents attention to obtain a slice of the parents’ time to secure attention. The firstborn is doing exactly the opposite. The firstborn is trying to fend off the parent, to avoid the parents attention, to run away, to isolate itself, to create a fantasy, a fantasy world, to escape somehow. And this gives rise to the firstborn’s life. And so the firstborn defends against the parents time, investment, energy, and resources. Whereas the second born and the third born, they try to elicit the parents attention to obtain a slice of the parents’ time to secure attention. The firstborn is doing exactly the opposite. The firstborn is trying to fend off the parent, to avoid the parents attention, to run away, to isolate itself, to create a fantasy, a fantasy world, to escape somehow. And this gives rise to
36:02 pathological narcissism. Anet Laru, a professor of sociology at the University of Pennsylvania, explores these kinds of differences in child rearing. She wrote a landmark seinal work unequal childhoods. She introduces socioultural determinance. She says that poor families and affluent families or rich families raise children differently and consequently the psychological and psychopathological outcomes would be different in poor families than in more affluent families. Siblings in workingclass and poor homes partake in pathological narcissism. Anet Laru, a professor of sociology at the University of Pennsylvania, explores these kinds of differences in child rearing. She wrote a landmark seinal work unequal childhoods. She introduces socioultural determinance. She says that poor families and affluent families or rich families raise children differently and consequently the psychological and psychopathological outcomes would be different in poor families than in more affluent families. Siblings in workingclass and poor homes partake in
36:44 fewer extracurricular activities, she found. And this means that the siblings often spend more time together, increasing the likelihood that they will influence one another in myriad ways. Emma Zang is a professor of sociology at Yale University and she asked the question, if you could improve an older child’s academic experience, would that benefit spill over to younger siblings? The spillover effect is a much documented phenomena. Younger siblings of kids who were among the oldest for their grade performed fewer extracurricular activities, she found. And this means that the siblings often spend more time together, increasing the likelihood that they will influence one another in myriad ways. Emma Zang is a professor of sociology at Yale University and she asked the question, if you could improve an older child’s academic experience, would that benefit spill over to younger siblings? The spillover effect is a much documented phenomena. Younger siblings of kids who were among the oldest for their grade performed
37:22 better academically, lending higher test scores than the younger siblings of children who entered school on the young side. And that was true regardless of whether those younger siblings were old or young for their grade. Joshua Goodman, an associate professor of education and economics at Boston University, found that younger siblings of those who were admitted were significantly more likely to end up at an equally selective college than those whose older siblings missed out by just a few points. In other words, if your better academically, lending higher test scores than the younger siblings of children who entered school on the young side. And that was true regardless of whether those younger siblings were old or young for their grade. Joshua Goodman, an associate professor of education and economics at Boston University, found that younger siblings of those who were admitted were significantly more likely to end up at an equally selective college than those whose older siblings missed out by just a few points. In other words, if your
37:55 brother or sister make it into an elite college, your chances of making it into the elite college are higher. That is a spillover effect. The younger siblings who ended up at selective colleges may have had their expectations raised. They could see a path forward. The older siblings success gave them hope. They could benefit from what the older siblings did. They could learn from the older siblings and older siblings could introduce them socially within the school. Zang’s research found that nearly a brother or sister make it into an elite college, your chances of making it into the elite college are higher. That is a spillover effect. The younger siblings who ended up at selective colleges may have had their expectations raised. They could see a path forward. The older siblings success gave them hope. They could benefit from what the older siblings did. They could learn from the older siblings and older siblings could introduce them socially within the school. Zang’s research found that nearly a
38:29 third of siblings academic similarity can be attributed to the spillover effect as opposed to the shared environment or overlapping genetics or what have you. But the spillover effect is not only positive. One of the big mistakes in the scholarly literature is to somehow assume that the spillover effect is always positive. that is a kind of of the older sibling pulling the younger sibling up. Uh and that’s not not true at all. The spillover effect can definitely be negative especially in poor and third of siblings academic similarity can be attributed to the spillover effect as opposed to the shared environment or overlapping genetics or what have you. But the spillover effect is not only positive. One of the big mistakes in the scholarly literature is to somehow assume that the spillover effect is always positive. that is a kind of of the older sibling pulling the younger sibling up. Uh and that’s not not true at all. The spillover effect can definitely be negative especially in poor and
39:07 disadvantaged families. If the older sibling is a criminal, the chances of younger sibling be becoming criminal are much higher. If the older sibling is antisocial behaviorally, the younger siblings are much more likely to behave antisoccially. And if the older sibling is a narcissist, it’s an open question. I think it merits some study. If the older sibling develops a pathology, um, a personality disorder, for example, are the younger siblings more likely to develop the same personality disorder or disadvantaged families. If the older sibling is a criminal, the chances of younger sibling be becoming criminal are much higher. If the older sibling is antisocial behaviorally, the younger siblings are much more likely to behave antisoccially. And if the older sibling is a narcissist, it’s an open question. I think it merits some study. If the older sibling develops a pathology, um, a personality disorder, for example, are the younger siblings more likely to develop the same personality disorder or
39:41 some other personality disorder? There are no studies about this. We have studies that show that the prevalence and incidence of personality disorders in families depends on whether the parents have a personality disorder. In other words, if your parent has if one of the parents has borderline personality disorder, the likelihood of one of the children having borderline personality disorder is much higher. As far as as far as I remember, five times higher. Same goes for narcissistic personality disorder. But some other personality disorder? There are no studies about this. We have studies that show that the prevalence and incidence of personality disorders in families depends on whether the parents have a personality disorder. In other words, if your parent has if one of the parents has borderline personality disorder, the likelihood of one of the children having borderline personality disorder is much higher. As far as as far as I remember, five times higher. Same goes for narcissistic personality disorder. But
40:14 this doesn’t mean that it’s a genetic factor or it is heredity at play. Because if you grow up with a narcissistic parent, the abuse and the trauma and the breach of boundaries and the lack of separation individuation and the isolation from reality and the and the the shunning of peers, all this can drive you to become a narcissist. In other words, it is true that children with narcissistic parents tend to become narcissists, but to say that this is owing to genetics is nonsense. It’s much more likely that it owes it is this doesn’t mean that it’s a genetic factor or it is heredity at play. Because if you grow up with a narcissistic parent, the abuse and the trauma and the breach of boundaries and the lack of separation individuation and the isolation from reality and the and the the shunning of peers, all this can drive you to become a narcissist. In other words, it is true that children with narcissistic parents tend to become narcissists, but to say that this is owing to genetics is nonsense. It’s much more likely that it owes it is
40:56 the outcome of bad upbringing and dysfunctional uh family. Anyhow, it’s an example of the spillover effect. spillover effect is a kind of contagion. It can work negatively. We know for example that mental illness is contagious. We have documented cases. Uh for example in schools where one of the students was mentally ill and the mental illness spread throughout the class. So imagine a family which is a much more intense experience in disadvantaged families. uh children are much more likely to the outcome of bad upbringing and dysfunctional uh family. Anyhow, it’s an example of the spillover effect. spillover effect is a kind of contagion. It can work negatively. We know for example that mental illness is contagious. We have documented cases. Uh for example in schools where one of the students was mentally ill and the mental illness spread throughout the class. So imagine a family which is a much more intense experience in disadvantaged families. uh children are much more likely to
41:36 suffer academically. There are various disruptions uh and there there also traumatic exposure uh and a lack of role models. So this dis disadvantages poor families are much more likely to produce psychopathology than affluent families according to this theory. It’s been proven academic in academic settings but we have still uh to study this in in abnormal psychology and it’s not only about education because if you succeed in in school it’s a it’s a great predictor of income later suffer academically. There are various disruptions uh and there there also traumatic exposure uh and a lack of role models. So this dis disadvantages poor families are much more likely to produce psychopathology than affluent families according to this theory. It’s been proven academic in academic settings but we have still uh to study this in in abnormal psychology and it’s not only about education because if you succeed in in school it’s a it’s a great predictor of income later
42:18 in life. So sibling influence in these families can translate to lower or higher lifetime earnings. Both Zang and Goodman found that the spillover effect uh is strongest in poor less advantaged families highlighting the need to appreciate that sibling influence functions differently across class lines and socioeconomic strata and income levels. In 2022, there was a study published in the frontiers in psychology that um complicated the picture. There is an often replicated finding that the older siblings are more in life. So sibling influence in these families can translate to lower or higher lifetime earnings. Both Zang and Goodman found that the spillover effect uh is strongest in poor less advantaged families highlighting the need to appreciate that sibling influence functions differently across class lines and socioeconomic strata and income levels. In 2022, there was a study published in the frontiers in psychology that um complicated the picture. There is an often replicated finding that the older siblings are more
43:03 academically high achieving. As I mentioned several times in this video, the older sibling um drag the family upwards so to speak. They provide upward social mobility with their academic achievements and later uh lifelong higher earnings. But the older siblings in high-risisk families and in families in which the parents are not native English speakers do not in fact score higher on cognitive tests when they reach the age of two. They don’t show more school readiness at the age of four. So here we do see the impact of parents. academically high achieving. As I mentioned several times in this video, the older sibling um drag the family upwards so to speak. They provide upward social mobility with their academic achievements and later uh lifelong higher earnings. But the older siblings in high-risisk families and in families in which the parents are not native English speakers do not in fact score higher on cognitive tests when they reach the age of two. They don’t show more school readiness at the age of four. So here we do see the impact of parents.
43:43 It seems that the sequence is this. The parents create the environment within which the firstborn can either thrive, accomplish, and earn and serve as a role model to the younger siblings or an environment in which the older sibling develops a psychopathology, a personality disorder or a mental illness which is reactive to the bad parenting. And this has a negative spillover effect on the younger siblings and the whole family is disrupted for life. In those families which are high-risk, disrupted, dysfunctional It seems that the sequence is this. The parents create the environment within which the firstborn can either thrive, accomplish, and earn and serve as a role model to the younger siblings or an environment in which the older sibling develops a psychopathology, a personality disorder or a mental illness which is reactive to the bad parenting. And this has a negative spillover effect on the younger siblings and the whole family is disrupted for life. In those families which are high-risk, disrupted, dysfunctional
44:30 or inadequate and incompetent, for example, the parents don’t speak English. Yes. In those families, there is no B birth order effect. And sometimes in those families the younger children score higher than the than the older children because the younger children are born into the environment, the new environment. They are much more adept and adapted to the new environment. And so they they are more accomplished. They benefit from the older siblings fluency and experience but they are much more na they become or inadequate and incompetent, for example, the parents don’t speak English. Yes. In those families, there is no B birth order effect. And sometimes in those families the younger children score higher than the than the older children because the younger children are born into the environment, the new environment. They are much more adept and adapted to the new environment. And so they they are more accomplished. They benefit from the older siblings fluency and experience but they are much more na they become
45:08 much more native than the original family. We’re talking basically about families of immigrants or families where one or two of the parents are criminals, career criminals uh or families where there is extreme substance abuse um substance use disorders and so on so forth. When families try to make sense of what’s happening, sometimes parents sit back and they ask themselves, “What did I do wrong? What could I do better? How are my children interacting with each other? What does it tell me about much more native than the original family. We’re talking basically about families of immigrants or families where one or two of the parents are criminals, career criminals uh or families where there is extreme substance abuse um substance use disorders and so on so forth. When families try to make sense of what’s happening, sometimes parents sit back and they ask themselves, “What did I do wrong? What could I do better? How are my children interacting with each other? What does it tell me about
45:40 them and about me?” And so there’s a lot of soularching, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of sadness in families. There’s a lot of incipient and ambient grief for cumulative failures and hurts and harms and pain. The family is not always a happy place. Actually, in majority of cases, I would say it’s a very sad place. And so when families try to make sense of what’s happening of the internal dynamics and working workings, they often explain things using these stereotypes. Birth order. them and about me?” And so there’s a lot of soularching, a lot of uncertainty, a lot of sadness in families. There’s a lot of incipient and ambient grief for cumulative failures and hurts and harms and pain. The family is not always a happy place. Actually, in majority of cases, I would say it’s a very sad place. And so when families try to make sense of what’s happening of the internal dynamics and working workings, they often explain things using these stereotypes. Birth order.
46:16 uh Sam is like that because he was the first born. His sister and brothers are like that because they were born later. You know the these are homegrown conceptions or schema and they’re widely popular. And if you ask someone why is she so narcissistic and ah she’s a firstborn. Why is he so self-indulgent and self-centered? Ah he’s a firstborn. Why is she a failure? Ah she she’s the firstborn. It’s like the birth order explains everything. In 1996, Frank J. Saloway wrote a book on the topic, very uh Sam is like that because he was the first born. His sister and brothers are like that because they were born later. You know the these are homegrown conceptions or schema and they’re widely popular. And if you ask someone why is she so narcissistic and ah she’s a firstborn. Why is he so self-indulgent and self-centered? Ah he’s a firstborn. Why is she a failure? Ah she she’s the firstborn. It’s like the birth order explains everything. In 1996, Frank J. Saloway wrote a book on the topic, very
46:51 famous book titled Born to Rebel and it became a runaway bestseller and many intellectuals praised it and Eio Wilson the famous Eo Wilson called it one of the most authoritative and important treatises in the history of the social sciences and I don’t know what Saloway’s argument was that oldest children the oldest children who spend lost time alone with their parents and tend to identify with them. They become conscientious. They’re inclined to reinforce the status quo. They’re conservative. Younger famous book titled Born to Rebel and it became a runaway bestseller and many intellectuals praised it and Eio Wilson the famous Eo Wilson called it one of the most authoritative and important treatises in the history of the social sciences and I don’t know what Saloway’s argument was that oldest children the oldest children who spend lost time alone with their parents and tend to identify with them. They become conscientious. They’re inclined to reinforce the status quo. They’re conservative. Younger
47:28 children, by contrast, are more likely to rebel. They’re more likely to innovate. They’re more likely to be defined and consummatious, reject authority. In other words, what he suggested in today’s parlance, in today’s lingo is that the oldest born and the firstborns, they have positive identity formation. They emulate and imitate the parents and the parents serve as role models. This is known as modeling. Whereas the younger siblings, they rebel against the parents. They reject the parents children, by contrast, are more likely to rebel. They’re more likely to innovate. They’re more likely to be defined and consummatious, reject authority. In other words, what he suggested in today’s parlance, in today’s lingo is that the oldest born and the firstborns, they have positive identity formation. They emulate and imitate the parents and the parents serve as role models. This is known as modeling. Whereas the younger siblings, they rebel against the parents. They reject the parents
48:03 authority and said that they have negative identity formation. Saloway drawn historical data and he made the case that younger children were significantly over represented in rebellions, uprisings, revolutions like the French Revolution and younger younger siblings were responsible for a disproportionately high number of scientific discoveries that required iconoclastic breaks with traditional thinking. So today we know that many of Salowaye’s findings are dubious and I’m being charitable. authority and said that they have negative identity formation. Saloway drawn historical data and he made the case that younger children were significantly over represented in rebellions, uprisings, revolutions like the French Revolution and younger younger siblings were responsible for a disproportionately high number of scientific discoveries that required iconoclastic breaks with traditional thinking. So today we know that many of Salowaye’s findings are dubious and I’m being charitable.
48:43 Saloway argued for example that birth order was the best predictor of social attitudes [clears throat] like upholding conventional values. They said that birth order is more important than gender, race or social social class. There have been studies that try to substantiate this. There’s been an analysis of almost 2,000 adults published in the American Sociological Review in 1999 and it found the opposite to be true. Actually, other research considered the gold standard since then has found that when it comes to the big Saloway argued for example that birth order was the best predictor of social attitudes [clears throat] like upholding conventional values. They said that birth order is more important than gender, race or social social class. There have been studies that try to substantiate this. There’s been an analysis of almost 2,000 adults published in the American Sociological Review in 1999 and it found the opposite to be true. Actually, other research considered the gold standard since then has found that when it comes to the big
49:14 five personality traits, conscientiousness, agreeability, openness, neuroticism, and extraversion, birth order doesn’t seem to have any impact whatsoever. One problem with a lot of birth order research is what is known as confirmation bias. Subjects in studies who were asked about their siblings have had preconceptions about siblings and birth order and they mapped these these uh biases and these prejudices onto their own families. In other words, when when we studied people who are firstborn, five personality traits, conscientiousness, agreeability, openness, neuroticism, and extraversion, birth order doesn’t seem to have any impact whatsoever. One problem with a lot of birth order research is what is known as confirmation bias. Subjects in studies who were asked about their siblings have had preconceptions about siblings and birth order and they mapped these these uh biases and these prejudices onto their own families. In other words, when when we studied people who are firstborn,
49:52 they wholeheartedly adopted the stereotype of the firstborn. They kind of entered the role of the firstborn. They play acted the firstborn. It’s like a role. And so parents are the same. When parents were studied, they also superimposed their preconceived notions on on the study questions. And so expectations create a confirmation bias and have long-term consequences. The subjective beliefs of parents about their children’s relative intelligence or qualities uh rely to a large extent on birth they wholeheartedly adopted the stereotype of the firstborn. They kind of entered the role of the firstborn. They play acted the firstborn. It’s like a role. And so parents are the same. When parents were studied, they also superimposed their preconceived notions on on the study questions. And so expectations create a confirmation bias and have long-term consequences. The subjective beliefs of parents about their children’s relative intelligence or qualities uh rely to a large extent on birth
50:31 order. A parent would say my first born is a genius. My first born is amazing. My first born is so beautiful or handsome. My second born eh not so much. You know, I’m proud of my first born and I’m not so proud of my second born. That’s very common. It’s politically incorrect to say this, but it’s very very common and so and it has an impact. It has an impact and it can in extremists it can create pathologies which are lifelong. In 2015, Susan Mccale, now an emeritus professor of human development and order. A parent would say my first born is a genius. My first born is amazing. My first born is so beautiful or handsome. My second born eh not so much. You know, I’m proud of my first born and I’m not so proud of my second born. That’s very common. It’s politically incorrect to say this, but it’s very very common and so and it has an impact. It has an impact and it can in extremists it can create pathologies which are lifelong. In 2015, Susan Mccale, now an emeritus professor of human development and
51:07 family studies at Penn State, was the author of a study in the journal of family psychology. And she found she and and her co-authors found that even when two siblings grades were essentially equivalent, parents often had beliefs that one of the siblings was more academically talented than the other. So you could have two siblings, they have the same marks at school, they’re equally talented, and the parents would insist that the firstborn is much more talented than the the second born. That belief seemed to predict even family studies at Penn State, was the author of a study in the journal of family psychology. And she found she and and her co-authors found that even when two siblings grades were essentially equivalent, parents often had beliefs that one of the siblings was more academically talented than the other. So you could have two siblings, they have the same marks at school, they’re equally talented, and the parents would insist that the firstborn is much more talented than the the second born. That belief seemed to predict even
51:44 better grades down the road for the student, possibly mispersceived to be more accomplished. In other words, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. When parents or teachers communicate to you that you are second best that you will never excel that you will never accomplish things then you don’t you end up not to not doing it. We tend to conform to other people’s expectations especially if these other people are significant role models. The students, the siblings who were thought to be more academically better grades down the road for the student, possibly mispersceived to be more accomplished. In other words, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. When parents or teachers communicate to you that you are second best that you will never excel that you will never accomplish things then you don’t you end up not to not doing it. We tend to conform to other people’s expectations especially if these other people are significant role models. The students, the siblings who were thought to be more academically
52:16 accomplished by their own parents also expressed more interest in academic extracurricular activities than the other siblings. Um, Male theorized that there is a lot of wastage of human potential because many many secondborns [snorts] and thirdborns are good students. They’re talented and they’re maybe even hyper intelligent, but they are less likely to perceive this to be true. They have a they have a diminished self-concept. They perceive themselves as inferior. And she said, when one accomplished by their own parents also expressed more interest in academic extracurricular activities than the other siblings. Um, Male theorized that there is a lot of wastage of human potential because many many secondborns [snorts] and thirdborns are good students. They’re talented and they’re maybe even hyper intelligent, but they are less likely to perceive this to be true. They have a they have a diminished self-concept. They perceive themselves as inferior. And she said, when one
52:50 parent thought that one kid was smarter than the other, that kid got progressively better over time. Little differences had increasingly big implications over time by virtue of social comparison. Dalton Conley, a sociologist who is also a biologist by the way, tries to untangle innate inclinations from environmental influences like the influences within a family. And he’s asking very interesting questions. For example, do parents make assumptions about their children’s talents relative to one another because the children are parent thought that one kid was smarter than the other, that kid got progressively better over time. Little differences had increasingly big implications over time by virtue of social comparison. Dalton Conley, a sociologist who is also a biologist by the way, tries to untangle innate inclinations from environmental influences like the influences within a family. And he’s asking very interesting questions. For example, do parents make assumptions about their children’s talents relative to one another because the children are
53:27 in fact innately gifted in those areas or do parents push their children or do the children push themselves to conform to the parents expectations in one direction or another because of certain family dynamics. Conley believes that advances in genetic analysis may make it possible to answer some of these questions. I believe that we have sufficient amount of data over well over 150 years to answer this question. Yes, parental expectations shape the children the children’s lives into adulthood. And yes, parental in fact innately gifted in those areas or do parents push their children or do the children push themselves to conform to the parents expectations in one direction or another because of certain family dynamics. Conley believes that advances in genetic analysis may make it possible to answer some of these questions. I believe that we have sufficient amount of data over well over 150 years to answer this question. Yes, parental expectations shape the children the children’s lives into adulthood. And yes, parental
54:04 behavior or misbehavior, parental qualities foster and engender pathologies in children. And yes, siblings participate in allocating roles to other siblings which then bring on the pathology or create the pathology. Over the last decades, scientists have analyzed tens of thousands of genomes of individuals. And there’s a bank of genet genetic data and genetic markers and and you name it for any given person. Genetic analysis can now generate what we we call polygenic scores, numbers that denote an behavior or misbehavior, parental qualities foster and engender pathologies in children. And yes, siblings participate in allocating roles to other siblings which then bring on the pathology or create the pathology. Over the last decades, scientists have analyzed tens of thousands of genomes of individuals. And there’s a bank of genet genetic data and genetic markers and and you name it for any given person. Genetic analysis can now generate what we we call polygenic scores, numbers that denote an
54:43 individual’s genetic predispositions for given qualities or for giving given illnesses. Napoleenic scores are at their very beginning. They are immature. They’re primitive. They’re not to be relied on. This combined genetic variation, combined varants based on arrays. And at this it’s really really at at at it at at its inception. It’s not a science. But polygenic scores do tell us already to some limited extent how genetic varants increase people’s likelihood of obtaining a individual’s genetic predispositions for given qualities or for giving given illnesses. Napoleenic scores are at their very beginning. They are immature. They’re primitive. They’re not to be relied on. This combined genetic variation, combined varants based on arrays. And at this it’s really really at at at it at at its inception. It’s not a science. But polygenic scores do tell us already to some limited extent how genetic varants increase people’s likelihood of obtaining a
55:17 college degree. for example, or developing narcissism. Don’t conflate and confuse the two. That you have a genetic predisposition to develop narcissistic personality disorder does not mean that you will develop a genetic uh narcissistic personality disorder. It simply means that if you’re exposed to an environment which is abusive and traumatizing and so on, the likelihood of you developing narcissistic personality disorder is higher than the likelihood of the general population. This research is at very early stages college degree. for example, or developing narcissism. Don’t conflate and confuse the two. That you have a genetic predisposition to develop narcissistic personality disorder does not mean that you will develop a genetic uh narcissistic personality disorder. It simply means that if you’re exposed to an environment which is abusive and traumatizing and so on, the likelihood of you developing narcissistic personality disorder is higher than the likelihood of the general population. This research is at very early stages
55:54 but polygenic scores may eventually make it possible to tease out the ways uh in which parents affect children, [snorts] siblings affect children, siblings affect each other and maybe the the questions of genetic overlap. How all how does all this improve opportunities? How does all this hold you back? How does all these u determine whether you develop a pathology, a psychopathology, a mental illness, a mental disorder or not? So there’s some research now being done with polygenic scores and uh Connley wrote a book the but polygenic scores may eventually make it possible to tease out the ways uh in which parents affect children, [snorts] siblings affect children, siblings affect each other and maybe the the questions of genetic overlap. How all how does all this improve opportunities? How does all this hold you back? How does all these u determine whether you develop a pathology, a psychopathology, a mental illness, a mental disorder or not? So there’s some research now being done with polygenic scores and uh Connley wrote a book the
56:31 social genome uh he explores this interaction between nature and nurture and he gave an example he said there’s a student with a strong aptitude for math and the polygenics course shows that this student should excel in mathematics so maybe in physics uh but this student ended up being an outstanding athlete. and very mediocre in math. Why? It seems that the genetics genetics are not enough. It seems that this student had a brother who was not strong at math. He was not such a strong math student, but social genome uh he explores this interaction between nature and nurture and he gave an example he said there’s a student with a strong aptitude for math and the polygenics course shows that this student should excel in mathematics so maybe in physics uh but this student ended up being an outstanding athlete. and very mediocre in math. Why? It seems that the genetics genetics are not enough. It seems that this student had a brother who was not strong at math. He was not such a strong math student, but
57:09 was extremely noticeably unathletic. So, the family came to believe that the second brother was in fact the family’s uh athletic uh kind of hope. roles were allocated allocated siblings influenced each other. Working with polygenic scores could unlock many of these mysteries. I I admit Conley said what happens in families has been a black box for as long as human or social sciences existed. I think we have an opportunity to really understand family dynamics much better now with these tools. I was extremely noticeably unathletic. So, the family came to believe that the second brother was in fact the family’s uh athletic uh kind of hope. roles were allocated allocated siblings influenced each other. Working with polygenic scores could unlock many of these mysteries. I I admit Conley said what happens in families has been a black box for as long as human or social sciences existed. I think we have an opportunity to really understand family dynamics much better now with these tools. I
57:45 believe that for humans who are such fundamentally social creatures, a better understanding of the interplay of nature and nurture would be meaningful. All these intuitions about siblings that we think are true now we have a way to test them. He says back to parents, it’s the most difficult job imaginable to be a parent. It is so easy to get it wrong and parents often do. The guilt, the shame of having failed the child, having to witness the child’s disintegration over time, the child’s believe that for humans who are such fundamentally social creatures, a better understanding of the interplay of nature and nurture would be meaningful. All these intuitions about siblings that we think are true now we have a way to test them. He says back to parents, it’s the most difficult job imaginable to be a parent. It is so easy to get it wrong and parents often do. The guilt, the shame of having failed the child, having to witness the child’s disintegration over time, the child’s
58:20 failure, the child’s constant defeat, the child’s grief as an adult, the child’s personality disorder. That is a harrowing, horrible experience. And parents feel the pressure. They need to make choices to maximize their child’s potential. it. They feel that it falls on them to shape the child. But at the same time, parents have to manage sibling interactions. Parents manage systems. When there is more than one child, the parent manages the system of parents child. And uh when there’s more than one failure, the child’s constant defeat, the child’s grief as an adult, the child’s personality disorder. That is a harrowing, horrible experience. And parents feel the pressure. They need to make choices to maximize their child’s potential. it. They feel that it falls on them to shape the child. But at the same time, parents have to manage sibling interactions. Parents manage systems. When there is more than one child, the parent manages the system of parents child. And uh when there’s more than one
59:01 child, the parent manages so sorry, when there’s only one child, the parent manages the system of two parents, one child. And when there’s more than one child, the parent manages a system of two parents, multiple children. Or maybe one parent, one child, one parent, multiple children. It’s always a system. The relationship between the parent and the child is an entity on and by itself. The parent manages the child’s life personal emergent personality role in the family and at the same time the child, the parent manages so sorry, when there’s only one child, the parent manages the system of two parents, one child. And when there’s more than one child, the parent manages a system of two parents, multiple children. Or maybe one parent, one child, one parent, multiple children. It’s always a system. The relationship between the parent and the child is an entity on and by itself. The parent manages the child’s life personal emergent personality role in the family and at the same time the
59:36 parent manages the relationship with the child which is distinct from the child itself and from the way the child reacts. So the parents need to take into account how close the siblings are. Do they collaborate? Do they compete? Do they love each other? Do they hate each each other? Are they ambivalent? Is one of the children sadistic and aggressive and dangerous? They if and if the children compete, is the competition goodnatured or is it unhealthy? And why is it unhealthy? Are the parents maybe not allocating time parent manages the relationship with the child which is distinct from the child itself and from the way the child reacts. So the parents need to take into account how close the siblings are. Do they collaborate? Do they compete? Do they love each other? Do they hate each each other? Are they ambivalent? Is one of the children sadistic and aggressive and dangerous? They if and if the children compete, is the competition goodnatured or is it unhealthy? And why is it unhealthy? Are the parents maybe not allocating time
60:12 and attention appropriately? of the resource. and attention appropriately? of the resource.

Summary Link:

https://vakninsummaries.com/siblings-and-parents-shape-you-equally/

https://vakninsummaries.com/ (Full summaries of Sam Vaknin’s videos)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html (My work in psychology: Media Kit and Press Room)

Bonus Consultations with Sam Vaknin or Lidija Rangelovska (or both) http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctcounsel.html

http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin (Narcissists, Psychopaths, Abuse)

http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings (World in Conflict and Transition)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com (Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/cv.html (Biography and Resume)

Summary

Abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Sam Vaknin, Siblings, Trauma, Vaknin Summaries

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