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1. 00:06 And yes, parents have a privileged position. You can be traumatized by peers. You can be traumatized by teachers. Can be traumatized by role models. You can even be traumatized by primary caregivers such as grandparents. But parents have a special role in personal development, in childhood development, in psychological development. And of the two parents, mothers have a much bigger role than fathers. Not only is it much bigger, it’s also substantially different. So it is not in vain and not because we And yes, parents have a privileged position. You can be traumatized by peers. You can be traumatized by teachers. Can be traumatized by role models. You can even be traumatized by primary caregivers such as grandparents. But parents have a special role in personal development, in childhood development, in psychological development. And of the two parents, mothers have a much bigger role than fathers. Not only is it much bigger, it’s also substantially different. So it is not in vain and not because we
2. 00:43 are male chauvinists and not because we would like to um mother shame you know it’s not mother shaming and it’s not like we we find a convenient scapegoat under the patriarchal view of psychology. It’s none of these things. It’s just a fact that mothers are critical to personal development, personal growth. the construction of inner constructs introjection very critical psychological processes and that’s why we keep emphasizing mothers. So there are two three types of traumas are male chauvinists and not because we would like to um mother shame you know it’s not mother shaming and it’s not like we we find a convenient scapegoat under the patriarchal view of psychology. It’s none of these things. It’s just a fact that mothers are critical to personal development, personal growth. the construction of inner constructs introjection very critical psychological processes and that’s why we keep emphasizing mothers. So there are two three types of traumas
3. 01:23 self-inflicted reality inflicted parental in inflicted and the first the first two and more specifically reality inflicted traumas actually induce growth. They bring about growth. The more you conflict with reality, the more reality puts you down, pulls you down a peg, reduces you to size, the more counterveiling information reality provides, the more it challenges and undermines your delusions and beliefs and longheld biases and prejudices, the more you grow. Contact with reality is crucial to self-inflicted reality inflicted parental in inflicted and the first the first two and more specifically reality inflicted traumas actually induce growth. They bring about growth. The more you conflict with reality, the more reality puts you down, pulls you down a peg, reduces you to size, the more counterveiling information reality provides, the more it challenges and undermines your delusions and beliefs and longheld biases and prejudices, the more you grow. Contact with reality is crucial to
4. 02:02 growth. And that’s why pampered and smothered and spoiled children never grow. They remain eternal adolescence. They remain permanent children and they don’t grow because they are isolated from reality. They are removed from reality. They’re withdrawn from reality by overprotective parents or by narcissistic, selfish parents who want to leverage the child to use the child as an instrument or a tool to gratify their own wishes to butress and support their own self-image, their own delusions. At any rate, when the child growth. And that’s why pampered and smothered and spoiled children never grow. They remain eternal adolescence. They remain permanent children and they don’t grow because they are isolated from reality. They are removed from reality. They’re withdrawn from reality by overprotective parents or by narcissistic, selfish parents who want to leverage the child to use the child as an instrument or a tool to gratify their own wishes to butress and support their own self-image, their own delusions. At any rate, when the child
5. 02:47 is removed from reality, he never grows. Growth stops, seizes, the child becomes a fossil. osified, oselized, caught in amber. And so reality, re reality based traumas are very critical. [snorts] Same self-t traumatizing, self-inflicted traumas are also very critical. They are junctures. They are junctions and they are tipping points in personal growth. We all know the feeling when we suddenly feel um when we think about something, we analyze something. um we recreate an event, something that happened to us and so on and suddenly we is removed from reality, he never grows. Growth stops, seizes, the child becomes a fossil. osified, oselized, caught in amber. And so reality, re reality based traumas are very critical. [snorts] Same self-t traumatizing, self-inflicted traumas are also very critical. They are junctures. They are junctions and they are tipping points in personal growth. We all know the feeling when we suddenly feel um when we think about something, we analyze something. um we recreate an event, something that happened to us and so on and suddenly we
6. 03:29 feel very very bad. We feel very traumatized, very dregulated, very depressed, very very sad. Uh some of us feel even suicidal. This is self-traumatizing and it’s growth inducing. It’s healthy. Actually in the majority of treatment modalities in the majority of psychotherapies we induce such traumas artificially in a controlled environment. Most psychotherapists do it in a holding environment in a containing environment in a safe area safe space and others do it uh without without these prerequisites. feel very very bad. We feel very traumatized, very dregulated, very depressed, very very sad. Uh some of us feel even suicidal. This is self-traumatizing and it’s growth inducing. It’s healthy. Actually in the majority of treatment modalities in the majority of psychotherapies we induce such traumas artificially in a controlled environment. Most psychotherapists do it in a holding environment in a containing environment in a safe area safe space and others do it uh without without these prerequisites.
7. 04:07 But all psychotherapists and all psychologists believe that experiencing trauma that is the outcome of insight, the outcome of understanding, the outcome of realization and comprehension, the out the outcome the outcome of a aha moment. These kind of traumas are very good for you. The only type of traumas that are extremely bad for you are parental traumas. Traumas inflicted by parents. Could be classical traumas like sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal and psychological abuse etc. But could be hidden, surreptitious, But all psychotherapists and all psychologists believe that experiencing trauma that is the outcome of insight, the outcome of understanding, the outcome of realization and comprehension, the out the outcome the outcome of a aha moment. These kind of traumas are very good for you. The only type of traumas that are extremely bad for you are parental traumas. Traumas inflicted by parents. Could be classical traumas like sexual abuse, physical abuse, verbal and psychological abuse etc. But could be hidden, surreptitious,
8. 04:44 stealth, ambient traumas, atmospheric traumas, so to speak, traumas that are in the air, unspoken traumas, implicit and it could be, for example, um, incestuous, incestuous relationship, not [clears throat] necessarily physical but emotional incest. It could be parentifying, forcing the child to behave like a parent. It could be inducing and pushing the child to realize the parents unfulfilled dreams and wishes. It could be idolizing the child, placing him the child on a pedestal, isolating the child from stealth, ambient traumas, atmospheric traumas, so to speak, traumas that are in the air, unspoken traumas, implicit and it could be, for example, um, incestuous, incestuous relationship, not [clears throat] necessarily physical but emotional incest. It could be parentifying, forcing the child to behave like a parent. It could be inducing and pushing the child to realize the parents unfulfilled dreams and wishes. It could be idolizing the child, placing him the child on a pedestal, isolating the child from
9. 05:20 peers, from pressures, from criticism. These are all traumas. This this is all abuse. It’s abusive behavior. And and these kind of traumas induce dysfunction, dysregulation and liability later on in life. All human beings go through rejection and trauma. Actually, I’m developing a model that I call double rejection, double trauma model. The first rejection is of course when you’re born. What is birth physically speaking? I mean, don’t try to be don’t try to be too uh too smart. Just answer the peers, from pressures, from criticism. These are all traumas. This this is all abuse. It’s abusive behavior. And and these kind of traumas induce dysfunction, dysregulation and liability later on in life. All human beings go through rejection and trauma. Actually, I’m developing a model that I call double rejection, double trauma model. The first rejection is of course when you’re born. What is birth physically speaking? I mean, don’t try to be don’t try to be too uh too smart. Just answer the
10. 05:58 question. What is birth? Birth is when you exit your mother’s body. But you don’t exit it. You don’t exit the your mother’s body, you know, in a peaceful pacified uh manner. You it’s a struggle. It’s a conflict. It’s violent. It’s bloody in the fullest sense of the word. It’s a tearing. You are torn from your mother’s body. Um you don’t have the minimal skills to survive. You don’t even know how to breathe. And yet you are dumped into the world. Birth is a rejection. question. What is birth? Birth is when you exit your mother’s body. But you don’t exit it. You don’t exit the your mother’s body, you know, in a peaceful pacified uh manner. You it’s a struggle. It’s a conflict. It’s violent. It’s bloody in the fullest sense of the word. It’s a tearing. You are torn from your mother’s body. Um you don’t have the minimal skills to survive. You don’t even know how to breathe. And yet you are dumped into the world. Birth is a rejection.
11. 06:34 Birth is a form of rejection. Mother rejects you. Mother ejects you. Every birth is the primary primal rejection. Of course, as a result, it’s extremely traumatic. That’s not my discovery. There’s even a therapy called primal scream or primal therapy which which real which which is based on this fundamental realization that birth must be very traumatic. The child when he’s born when the child is born he doesn’t have a brain effectively the brain develops in the first year of life and clearly he Birth is a form of rejection. Mother rejects you. Mother ejects you. Every birth is the primary primal rejection. Of course, as a result, it’s extremely traumatic. That’s not my discovery. There’s even a therapy called primal scream or primal therapy which which real which which is based on this fundamental realization that birth must be very traumatic. The child when he’s born when the child is born he doesn’t have a brain effectively the brain develops in the first year of life and clearly he
12. 07:10 doesn’t have conscious and unconscious and or fully developed unconscious etc. But the child even in the womb the child is able to discern sensor sensory input. Children react to music to sudden sounds. So there is something there and this something is traumatized. I think the major trauma following the first rejection which is birth the major trauma is that the child has to adopt a point of view. When the child is in the womb, there’s no need for a point of view because there’s no view and there’s doesn’t have conscious and unconscious and or fully developed unconscious etc. But the child even in the womb the child is able to discern sensor sensory input. Children react to music to sudden sounds. So there is something there and this something is traumatized. I think the major trauma following the first rejection which is birth the major trauma is that the child has to adopt a point of view. When the child is in the womb, there’s no need for a point of view because there’s no view and there’s
13. 07:47 no point in a point of view. But when you’re born, [snorts] suddenly you need to adopt a point of view. This tectonic shift, this earthquake is a major trauma. And I think it’s the fundamental first trauma, the need to have a point of view. And we all know that whenever we adopt a point of view, whenever we suddenly evolve a new point of view, we are mini traumatized. It’s shocking. It’s always surprising. It’s always shocking, always disorienting, always dislocating. It’s it’s always disregulating. no point in a point of view. But when you’re born, [snorts] suddenly you need to adopt a point of view. This tectonic shift, this earthquake is a major trauma. And I think it’s the fundamental first trauma, the need to have a point of view. And we all know that whenever we adopt a point of view, whenever we suddenly evolve a new point of view, we are mini traumatized. It’s shocking. It’s always surprising. It’s always shocking, always disorienting, always dislocating. It’s it’s always disregulating.
14. 08:24 To have a new to to adopt a new point of view is to revolutionize yourself. It is to become someone else. Indeed, most psychotherapies are based exactly on this. In treatment modalities of mental health issues, what we do is we ask the patient and sometimes we force the patient to adopt a new point of view. This is at the core of techniques like imagery and reframing. reframing in cognitive behavior therapy or chair work chair work in gestalt and other therapies where you are forced artificially or or integrally internally To have a new to to adopt a new point of view is to revolutionize yourself. It is to become someone else. Indeed, most psychotherapies are based exactly on this. In treatment modalities of mental health issues, what we do is we ask the patient and sometimes we force the patient to adopt a new point of view. This is at the core of techniques like imagery and reframing. reframing in cognitive behavior therapy or chair work chair work in gestalt and other therapies where you are forced artificially or or integrally internally
15. 09:07 to suddenly see things differently to suddenly adopt a new point of view someone else’s or something else’s. So the child when he’s ejected from his mother’s body when his mother rejects him in the most forceful violent way possible has to immediately adopt a point of view. So it’s rejection coupled with a trauma and all within the first split second of existence. months pass, years pass, and around the age of two. Around the age of two, um there’s another phase described by the likes of to suddenly see things differently to suddenly adopt a new point of view someone else’s or something else’s. So the child when he’s ejected from his mother’s body when his mother rejects him in the most forceful violent way possible has to immediately adopt a point of view. So it’s rejection coupled with a trauma and all within the first split second of existence. months pass, years pass, and around the age of two. Around the age of two, um there’s another phase described by the likes of
16. 09:49 Melanie Klein and Mer. There’s another phase called separation individuation. The separation individuation is when the child develops sufficient grandiosity to take on the world. He becomes sufficiently delusional in effect, sufficiently narcissistic to believe to develop the the belief that he can cope with the world, that he can explore the world, that he can enter the world, that he can meander and he can walk around and he can see things and he can satisfy his cur curiosity. And this of course requires an Melanie Klein and Mer. There’s another phase called separation individuation. The separation individuation is when the child develops sufficient grandiosity to take on the world. He becomes sufficiently delusional in effect, sufficiently narcissistic to believe to develop the the belief that he can cope with the world, that he can explore the world, that he can enter the world, that he can meander and he can walk around and he can see things and he can satisfy his cur curiosity. And this of course requires an
17. 10:29 inflationary approach uh to to the child’s ego, nent ego. The child becomes a mini narcissist. And indeed this phase phase is called primary narcissism. And the first thing the child does the child rejects mother. When the child was born, mother rejected him. Now it’s his turn. Now he’s rejecting mother. He’s pushing her away sometimes literally and physically. And he walks. Of course. Then he panics and runs back and he hugs mother’s leg. [music] inflationary approach uh to to the child’s ego, nent ego. The child becomes a mini narcissist. And indeed this phase phase is called primary narcissism. And the first thing the child does the child rejects mother. When the child was born, mother rejected him. Now it’s his turn. Now he’s rejecting mother. He’s pushing her away sometimes literally and physically. And he walks. Of course. Then he panics and runs back and he hugs mother’s leg. [music]