Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Can Your Siblings Drive You Crazy? (INTRODUCTION)

1. 00:02 Virtually all the major psychologists, all the major scholars, all the major founders of schools in psychology, myself included, [laughter] blame mothers for the evolution and development of psychopathologies, mental illness in early childhood. Is this a form of sexism or misogyny? Should we blame fathers equally? And in the absence of others of fathers or mothers, should we blame I don’t know caregivers, siblings, peers, role models, teachers, the police? Who is to blame? Who is to blame for the developmental personality Virtually all the major psychologists, all the major scholars, all the major founders of schools in psychology, myself included, [laughter] blame mothers for the evolution and development of psychopathologies, mental illness in early childhood. Is this a form of sexism or misogyny? Should we blame fathers equally? And in the absence of others of fathers or mothers, should we blame I don’t know caregivers, siblings, peers, role models, teachers, the police? Who is to blame? Who is to blame for the developmental personality
2. 00:48 disorders in early childhood? The current mainstream thinking, the orthodoxy is that mothers play um an enormous outsized role in personal growth and development and evolution in early childhood. So we point the blaming finger at mothers. Mothers who are not good enough, mothers who are absent, mothers who are depressed or selfish or narcissistic or psychopathic or exactly the opposite, mothers who spoil the child, idolize, pedestalize, pamper, parentify, instrumentalize and so on. All types of disorders in early childhood? The current mainstream thinking, the orthodoxy is that mothers play um an enormous outsized role in personal growth and development and evolution in early childhood. So we point the blaming finger at mothers. Mothers who are not good enough, mothers who are absent, mothers who are depressed or selfish or narcissistic or psychopathic or exactly the opposite, mothers who spoil the child, idolize, pedestalize, pamper, parentify, instrumentalize and so on. All types of
3. 01:29 bad parenting or bad bad motherhood lead to some kind of mental health problem later in life. It may be mild in the form for example of an attachment style or attachment disorder and it may be very severe like narcissistic personality disorder. Would be would it be correct to say that narcissistic personality disorder could be the reaction to peers to role models to teachers? No, it would not be correct. It is true that children tend to develop narcissistic defenses when children are exposed to harassment, rejection, bad parenting or bad bad motherhood lead to some kind of mental health problem later in life. It may be mild in the form for example of an attachment style or attachment disorder and it may be very severe like narcissistic personality disorder. Would be would it be correct to say that narcissistic personality disorder could be the reaction to peers to role models to teachers? No, it would not be correct. It is true that children tend to develop narcissistic defenses when children are exposed to harassment, rejection,
4. 02:14 excommunication, abandonment, humiliation, shaming, when children find themselves in situations where they are incompetent or inadequate. In all these conditions, circumstances, children tend to to react in ways which resemble pathological narcissism. These are known as narcissistic defenses. Children lose empathy. They externalize aggression and so on and so forth. They become very self-involved, exploitative, selfish. And all these is all this is very obnoxious. Maybe all this is very reminiscent of narcissism, excommunication, abandonment, humiliation, shaming, when children find themselves in situations where they are incompetent or inadequate. In all these conditions, circumstances, children tend to to react in ways which resemble pathological narcissism. These are known as narcissistic defenses. Children lose empathy. They externalize aggression and so on and so forth. They become very self-involved, exploitative, selfish. And all these is all this is very obnoxious. Maybe all this is very reminiscent of narcissism,
5. 02:55 pathological narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder. But it is not. It is a reactive pattern. If this reactive pattern continues into adulthood, oifies oifies, calcifies and fossilizes, crystallizes into a personality style, then we can say that someone is narcissistic. But it is absolutely not the same as saying that this person has narcissistic personality disorder. Personality disorder this disorders are very rare. Only 1.7% of the general population have narcissistic personality disorder. pathological narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder. But it is not. It is a reactive pattern. If this reactive pattern continues into adulthood, oifies oifies, calcifies and fossilizes, crystallizes into a personality style, then we can say that someone is narcissistic. But it is absolutely not the same as saying that this person has narcissistic personality disorder. Personality disorder this disorders are very rare. Only 1.7% of the general population have narcissistic personality disorder.
6. 03:37 Diagnosible, not subclinical like in dark personalities, but clinically diagnosible in a clinical setting. And this narcissistic personality disorder is brought on almost exclusively by the mother. The father gets involved in the child’s life much later and the child f the father finds the child already fully formed. There is however one contributing factor in early childhood which is much neglected in the literature and which very few people talk about scholars or stealth styled experts even and this is Diagnosible, not subclinical like in dark personalities, but clinically diagnosible in a clinical setting. And this narcissistic personality disorder is brought on almost exclusively by the mother. The father gets involved in the child’s life much later and the child f the father finds the child already fully formed. There is however one contributing factor in early childhood which is much neglected in the literature and which very few people talk about scholars or stealth styled experts even and this is
7. 04:17 siblings, sisters and brothers. Can sisters and brothers contribute to the development of narcissistic personality disorder? Can sisters and brothers, siblings and gender in the child such a pronounced and extreme narcissistic reaction, narcissistic defense that the child becomes a narcissist. Can sisters and brothers fulfill the same psychonamic ethological role as parents, especially the mother? In other words, can we have a situation where the mother is perfectly okay? She is not what Andre Green called a dead mother. siblings, sisters and brothers. Can sisters and brothers contribute to the development of narcissistic personality disorder? Can sisters and brothers, siblings and gender in the child such a pronounced and extreme narcissistic reaction, narcissistic defense that the child becomes a narcissist. Can sisters and brothers fulfill the same psychonamic ethological role as parents, especially the mother? In other words, can we have a situation where the mother is perfectly okay? She is not what Andre Green called a dead mother.
8. 04:59 Metaphorically dead mother. The father is perfectly okay. But there is a sibling. A sibling who is narcissistic. A sibling who is psychopathic. A sibling who is self-centered. A sibling who makes demands, communicates expectations which are impossible to meet. A sibling who is critical harshly and sadistically. So, is it possible to develop narcissistic personality disorder in the presence of and as a reaction to such a brother or sister even when the mother and the father are perfectly functional and good enough? Metaphorically dead mother. The father is perfectly okay. But there is a sibling. A sibling who is narcissistic. A sibling who is psychopathic. A sibling who is self-centered. A sibling who makes demands, communicates expectations which are impossible to meet. A sibling who is critical harshly and sadistically. So, is it possible to develop narcissistic personality disorder in the presence of and as a reaction to such a brother or sister even when the mother and the father are perfectly functional and good enough?
9. 05:39 This is the topic of today’s video. My name is Sanvatn. I have four siblings and I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and also a professor of psychology. Today we are going to take a tour of the latest things we know about sibling interactions and how they can bring on psychopathologies in early childhood. Psychopathologies that survive into adulthood, taint and contaminate the person’s life and destroy the entire lifespan. But before we go there, I have an announcement. Yet another seminar May This is the topic of today’s video. My name is Sanvatn. I have four siblings and I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and also a professor of psychology. Today we are going to take a tour of the latest things we know about sibling interactions and how they can bring on psychopathologies in early childhood. Psychopathologies that survive into adulthood, taint and contaminate the person’s life and destroy the entire lifespan. But before we go there, I have an announcement. Yet another seminar May
10. 06:21 2026 in OID O R I D. Now you never heard of that’s your bed because Ohid is a world heritage site and one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It is perched on a lake. It sports hundreds of exquisite churches, a fort and amazing architecture. It is an undiscovered gem of the beaten path. The Vakny Vangelovska Foundation is organizing a free seminar at the end of May 2026 and the topic is the narcissist relationships with parents, intimate partners, his or her children, progression from self to objects. If you 2026 in OID O R I D. Now you never heard of that’s your bed because Ohid is a world heritage site and one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It is perched on a lake. It sports hundreds of exquisite churches, a fort and amazing architecture. It is an undiscovered gem of the beaten path. The Vakny Vangelovska Foundation is organizing a free seminar at the end of May 2026 and the topic is the narcissist relationships with parents, intimate partners, his or her children, progression from self to objects. If you
11. 07:02 want to reserve a seat because you are mazoistic then write to sandakningmail.com. The seminar is going to last three and a half days probably at the end of May. We don’t have any dates settled yet. We don’t have a venue. We don’t have anything. We are just reaching out to you to see what is the extent of interest at this stage. 80 people 80 people have registered. So hurry up because if only half of them were to attend, we would still have a problem with space. I advise you to write to want to reserve a seat because you are mazoistic then write to sandakningmail.com. The seminar is going to last three and a half days probably at the end of May. We don’t have any dates settled yet. We don’t have a venue. We don’t have anything. We are just reaching out to you to see what is the extent of interest at this stage. 80 people 80 people have registered. So hurry up because if only half of them were to attend, we would still have a problem with space. I advise you to write to
12. 07:38 sambatin@gmail.com even before you drink your morning coffee. They are priorities in life. Okay, Shushanim, let’s [clears throat] delve right into your siblings. [laughter] Siblings could be as infuriating as injurious as hurtful as any parent. On the other hand, siblings can afford sakur. Siblings can push you forward. Siblings can challenge you and bring out the best in you. It depends on the sibling, of course. If you’re lucky enough to have a sister or a brother on the good end of the spectrum, then this sambatin@gmail.com even before you drink your morning coffee. They are priorities in life. Okay, Shushanim, let’s [clears throat] delve right into your siblings. [laughter] Siblings could be as infuriating as injurious as hurtful as any parent. On the other hand, siblings can afford sakur. Siblings can push you forward. Siblings can challenge you and bring out the best in you. It depends on the sibling, of course. If you’re lucky enough to have a sister or a brother on the good end of the spectrum, then this
13. 08:22 sister and brother could contribute to your life in extremely meaningful ways. And if on the other hand, you have a brother or a sister who are for example mentally disturbed or brother and sister who are a bit psychopathic and narcissistic or brother and sister who are self-centered, spoiled, idolized, pedestalized, or brother and sister who just don’t care about you. they’re completely indifferent and apathetic or brother and sister who are sadistic and put you down, harshly criticize you. In sister and brother could contribute to your life in extremely meaningful ways. And if on the other hand, you have a brother or a sister who are for example mentally disturbed or brother and sister who are a bit psychopathic and narcissistic or brother and sister who are self-centered, spoiled, idolized, pedestalized, or brother and sister who just don’t care about you. they’re completely indifferent and apathetic or brother and sister who are sadistic and put you down, harshly criticize you. In
14. 08:52 all these situations, the damage could be as severe as anything a parent can do to you. Now, the problem is this. There is an asymmetry of information. Parents know much less about you than your siblings. Your siblings know much more about you than your parents do. Parents have a kind of static picture of you. They br they bring you into the world. They monitor some some criteria of performance. So they demand of you to be performative and more or less they let you be. They establish some rules and regulations and all these situations, the damage could be as severe as anything a parent can do to you. Now, the problem is this. There is an asymmetry of information. Parents know much less about you than your siblings. Your siblings know much more about you than your parents do. Parents have a kind of static picture of you. They br they bring you into the world. They monitor some some criteria of performance. So they demand of you to be performative and more or less they let you be. They establish some rules and regulations and
15. 09:35 as long as you adhere to their discipline, they’re basically absent from your life. Siblings are not the same. Siblings are everywhere. Siblings are all pervasive. Siblings monitor you and supervise you and spy on you. Siblings are in your face. They invade your personal space. They give you no privacy. Siblings Siblings are copies of you. They’re clones. They’re mirrors of you genetically, psychologically, behaviorally, and socially. Siblings see each other in the wild. They observe and monitor your as long as you adhere to their discipline, they’re basically absent from your life. Siblings are not the same. Siblings are everywhere. Siblings are all pervasive. Siblings monitor you and supervise you and spy on you. Siblings are in your face. They invade your personal space. They give you no privacy. Siblings Siblings are copies of you. They’re clones. They’re mirrors of you genetically, psychologically, behaviorally, and socially. Siblings see each other in the wild. They observe and monitor your
16. 10:15 interactions with other children, for example, and they forever size you up. Now, inevitably in a relationship with siblings, you have competition and you have adulation or idealization. On the one hand, siblings compete with each other for scarce parental attention for perhaps economic resources for access. So there’s a lot of competition going on and this competition could become virulent or even violent. On the other hand, if the age gap is sufficiently big, siblings could become the biggest sources of support, advice, interactions with other children, for example, and they forever size you up. Now, inevitably in a relationship with siblings, you have competition and you have adulation or idealization. On the one hand, siblings compete with each other for scarce parental attention for perhaps economic resources for access. So there’s a lot of competition going on and this competition could become virulent or even violent. On the other hand, if the age gap is sufficiently big, siblings could become the biggest sources of support, advice,
17. 11:00 and sakur. Siblings are sometimes proud of each other. They tend to idolize and idealize each other. They tend to follow each other. And there is a question of imitation and emulation uh going walking in the footsteps of uh of siblings. So, it’s not as simple as it appears to be. And today, I would like to delve deeper into the implications and outcomes of this asymmetry. Sorry, I had a technical malfunction. Luckily for you, I didn’t have a wardrobe malfunction. Okay, we are close to the end. Even raising one child is an and sakur. Siblings are sometimes proud of each other. They tend to idolize and idealize each other. They tend to follow each other. And there is a question of imitation and emulation uh going walking in the footsteps of uh of siblings. So, it’s not as simple as it appears to be. And today, I would like to delve deeper into the implications and outcomes of this asymmetry. Sorry, I had a technical malfunction. Luckily for you, I didn’t have a wardrobe malfunction. Okay, we are close to the end. Even raising one child is an
18. 11:46 honorous task. Even raising one child is frightening. It appears to be cysifian, never ending, an unwinable game. So trying to manage sibling relationships is uh even even worse. Someone compared it to playing chess blindfolded. It’s multifaceted. It’s complicated. There’s so many random events, hidden hidden interactions. the need to to kind of decipher and decode and the siblings interact with each other sometimes surreptitiously. Sometimes the communication is non-verbal. The parent has to be a kind honorous task. Even raising one child is frightening. It appears to be cysifian, never ending, an unwinable game. So trying to manage sibling relationships is uh even even worse. Someone compared it to playing chess blindfolded. It’s multifaceted. It’s complicated. There’s so many random events, hidden hidden interactions. the need to to kind of decipher and decode and the siblings interact with each other sometimes surreptitiously. Sometimes the communication is non-verbal. The parent has to be a kind
19. 12:29 of clairvoyant or or a savant to to and to engineer the relationship somehow and then to monitor and feedback loops and it’s it’s beyond a full-time job. It’s sometimes I believe that good parenting is literally impossible that it’s an ideal that can never be met and um it’s a problem because what happens in the children’s lives very often affects the parents moods, the parents self-concept and self-perception, the parents happiness or content contented contentment and the of clairvoyant or or a savant to to and to engineer the relationship somehow and then to monitor and feedback loops and it’s it’s beyond a full-time job. It’s sometimes I believe that good parenting is literally impossible that it’s an ideal that can never be met and um it’s a problem because what happens in the children’s lives very often affects the parents moods, the parents self-concept and self-perception, the parents happiness or content contented contentment and the
20. 13:08 parents own life. The parent has a life. We tend to think of parent parents as functions. But parents are not functions. Parents are human beings. And the children only constitute a part of their lives. An important part, a major part maybe, but only a part. Simultaneously parents have to manage other relationships with a spouse if there is one, at work. And so uh and and everything feeds on on everything. Like if a parent has had a bad experience outside home, it’s likely to to reflect on the way the parents the parents own life. The parent has a life. We tend to think of parent parents as functions. But parents are not functions. Parents are human beings. And the children only constitute a part of their lives. An important part, a major part maybe, but only a part. Simultaneously parents have to manage other relationships with a spouse if there is one, at work. And so uh and and everything feeds on on everything. Like if a parent has had a bad experience outside home, it’s likely to to reflect on the way the parents the
21. 13:45 parent interacts with the children. If siblings are fighting and the parent gets gets involved, it’s likely to compound and complicate the situation. The the the children’s lives are separated from the parents’ lives. I I mentioned the asymmetry, the information asymmetry. A decision, parental decision hinges not only on rational linear analytical calculation. It very often hinges of on mood, on happen stance, on memory, on past experience, on so it’s it’s very very often irrational parent interacts with the children. If siblings are fighting and the parent gets gets involved, it’s likely to compound and complicate the situation. The the the children’s lives are separated from the parents’ lives. I I mentioned the asymmetry, the information asymmetry. A decision, parental decision hinges not only on rational linear analytical calculation. It very often hinges of on mood, on happen stance, on memory, on past experience, on so it’s it’s very very often irrational
22. 14:27 and even illogical. And whenever the parent makes a decision or a choice, it impacts the child. The child becomes another person and a newly altered person. And this newly altered person has to be restudied. The the parent has to get to know the new child. The child every child undergoes cycles of developments and growth which render the child unrecognizable. For example, many parents would tell you that as an adolescent the child is very different that the adolescent is unrecognizable to them. They don’t know who this who this and even illogical. And whenever the parent makes a decision or a choice, it impacts the child. The child becomes another person and a newly altered person. And this newly altered person has to be restudied. The the parent has to get to know the new child. The child every child undergoes cycles of developments and growth which render the child unrecognizable. For example, many parents would tell you that as an adolescent the child is very different that the adolescent is unrecognizable to them. They don’t know who this who this
23. 15:09 person is. So children become strangers time and again there is constant estrangement and the parent needs to overcome this by reacquainting herself or himself with a child. And then the parent needs to realize the impact of parental decisions and choices and speech acts and behaviors and moods and expectations communicated or not. The impacts are enormous far disproportional to anything. And same goes with siblings. And so it’s an endless succession of tiny formative moments and an alien constantly reemerging alien person is. So children become strangers time and again there is constant estrangement and the parent needs to overcome this by reacquainting herself or himself with a child. And then the parent needs to realize the impact of parental decisions and choices and speech acts and behaviors and moods and expectations communicated or not. The impacts are enormous far disproportional to anything. And same goes with siblings. And so it’s an endless succession of tiny formative moments and an alien constantly reemerging alien
24. 15:56 landscapes. We cannot choose our families but we can choose the stories that we tell ourselves. We can choose the narratives that shape us. We choose the roles allocated. We can choose the way we manage uh multiodal relationships like between siblings. As parents, we can make even choices with regards to how many children we’re going to have. And all this feeds into this enormous black box, this enormous machine at the end of which a child emerges either healthy, positive, positively adopted, functional and accomplished or landscapes. We cannot choose our families but we can choose the stories that we tell ourselves. We can choose the narratives that shape us. We choose the roles allocated. We can choose the way we manage uh multiodal relationships like between siblings. As parents, we can make even choices with regards to how many children we’re going to have. And all this feeds into this enormous black box, this enormous machine at the end of which a child emerges either healthy, positive, positively adopted, functional and accomplished or
25. 16:39 dysfunctional, mentally disordered with problems that persist throughout the lifespan and into adulthood. dysfunctional, mentally disordered with problems that persist throughout the lifespan and into adulthood.