Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Witnessing the Narcissist: Need to be Remembered, Validated

1. 00:03 I keep discussing in many of my videos the need to be seen. The need to be seen is not necessarily about showing off or attracting attention. The need to be seen is primordial. It’s a survival strategy. In a baby or a toddler or an infant, the need to be seen is the difference between life and death. If a newborn fails to attract the mother’s attention, if a toddler is not seen by the parents, they end up badly, possibly dead. So the need to be seen is with us from the sixth day of our life and until the I keep discussing in many of my videos the need to be seen. The need to be seen is not necessarily about showing off or attracting attention. The need to be seen is primordial. It’s a survival strategy. In a baby or a toddler or an infant, the need to be seen is the difference between life and death. If a newborn fails to attract the mother’s attention, if a toddler is not seen by the parents, they end up badly, possibly dead. So the need to be seen is with us from the sixth day of our life and until the
2. 00:48 very day we die. It’s a lifespan thing. But the need to be seen s subtly transforms subtly metamorphosize as we grow older. Now when we grow up hopefully we become adults the need to be seen by far case and there is another form of being seen which I call witnessing. It is the need to be remembered. the need to be validated, not only seen. It is an extension of the need to be seen, but it is a form of validation. And witnessing involves both facts and the hermeneutic narrative. In other words, it’s not enough to have witnesses very day we die. It’s a lifespan thing. But the need to be seen s subtly transforms subtly metamorphosize as we grow older. Now when we grow up hopefully we become adults the need to be seen by far case and there is another form of being seen which I call witnessing. It is the need to be remembered. the need to be validated, not only seen. It is an extension of the need to be seen, but it is a form of validation. And witnessing involves both facts and the hermeneutic narrative. In other words, it’s not enough to have witnesses
3. 01:40 to the various events in your life. You also want to have witnesses ideally who agree with you as to the interpretation and the meaning and the explanation of what has happened to you. The narrative that governs and dominance dominates your life. The narrative that imbuss your life with meaning, makes sense of your life and provides you with a sense of direction and purpose. You would like to surround yourself with people who not only remember what has happened to you but also conform to your interpretation to the various events in your life. You also want to have witnesses ideally who agree with you as to the interpretation and the meaning and the explanation of what has happened to you. The narrative that governs and dominance dominates your life. The narrative that imbuss your life with meaning, makes sense of your life and provides you with a sense of direction and purpose. You would like to surround yourself with people who not only remember what has happened to you but also conform to your interpretation
4. 02:17 to your to the hermeneutic framework within which you operate. And so this put together this package put together is what I call witnessing. My name is Sam Baknin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a professor of psychology. in our lives. Therefore, we look to surround ourselves with witnesses that confirm and conform to our self-concept. Self-concept is the way we perceive ourselves. We have a sense of continuity throughout life. And this continuity as life progresses becomes a kind of story to your to the hermeneutic framework within which you operate. And so this put together this package put together is what I call witnessing. My name is Sam Baknin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a professor of psychology. in our lives. Therefore, we look to surround ourselves with witnesses that confirm and conform to our self-concept. Self-concept is the way we perceive ourselves. We have a sense of continuity throughout life. And this continuity as life progresses becomes a kind of story
5. 02:59 we are telling ourselves about ourselves with us as the main protagonist. And so we would like to surround ourselves with people who basically are in agreement with us as to the events of what has happened our autobiographical episodic memory and at the same time also provides provide us with sakore and support by agreeing with the way we see things. Now, they don’t have to be 100% in agreement with us. Good friends and good witnesses provide us with feedback that sometimes alters our perceptions and we are telling ourselves about ourselves with us as the main protagonist. And so we would like to surround ourselves with people who basically are in agreement with us as to the events of what has happened our autobiographical episodic memory and at the same time also provides provide us with sakore and support by agreeing with the way we see things. Now, they don’t have to be 100% in agreement with us. Good friends and good witnesses provide us with feedback that sometimes alters our perceptions and
6. 03:46 rewrites the story of the narrative. But by and large, there has to be an agreement regarding the essence of the quidity of who you are. In other words, the agreement is about the self-concept. The witnesses affirm your history, he story, your story and at the same time they construe the story in a way that provides support for the way you experience your self, your core identity. These witnesses are like an external skeleton, an external scaffolding. They hold you together. It is through the gaze of other people that you rewrites the story of the narrative. But by and large, there has to be an agreement regarding the essence of the quidity of who you are. In other words, the agreement is about the self-concept. The witnesses affirm your history, he story, your story and at the same time they construe the story in a way that provides support for the way you experience your self, your core identity. These witnesses are like an external skeleton, an external scaffolding. They hold you together. It is through the gaze of other people that you
7. 04:36 become. You what we call the self is relational. It is the sum total of interactions and speech acts of other people. And so it’s very critical to have the right mix of people around you because even your unconscious according to Lakan is a combination of what these people had to say. Their values, their beliefs, their utterances, their their opposition, their their negation, their love for you, the everything this mixture becomes you. And if you’re surrounded by people who refuse to see you, who negate your become. You what we call the self is relational. It is the sum total of interactions and speech acts of other people. And so it’s very critical to have the right mix of people around you because even your unconscious according to Lakan is a combination of what these people had to say. Their values, their beliefs, their utterances, their their opposition, their their negation, their love for you, the everything this mixture becomes you. And if you’re surrounded by people who refuse to see you, who negate your
8. 05:23 visibility, who do not witness you in the sense that they deny certain facts and events in your life and or provide an interpretation, an exesis, an explanation that conflicts with the way you see things and the way you experience your core identity in yourself. If you have this kind of people around you, this would create psychopathology. And indeed in narcissism, the narcissist has an inflated fantastic grandio self-concept. And the narcissist surrounds himself with witnesses which affirm and confirm visibility, who do not witness you in the sense that they deny certain facts and events in your life and or provide an interpretation, an exesis, an explanation that conflicts with the way you see things and the way you experience your core identity in yourself. If you have this kind of people around you, this would create psychopathology. And indeed in narcissism, the narcissist has an inflated fantastic grandio self-concept. And the narcissist surrounds himself with witnesses which affirm and confirm
9. 06:06 and uphold and butter this self-concept. These people, the narcissist witnesses, they tend to amplify and magnify the narcissist locus of grandiosity. Their fans and followers and psychopans and echolytes and so on. The narcissist witnesses are echoes in an echo chamber. And only then does the narcissist experience ego syony. And the whole situation, the group of witnesses, the body of witnesses, they are actually secondary sources of narcissistic supply because whenever the narcissist self-concept is upheld, whenever it is and uphold and butter this self-concept. These people, the narcissist witnesses, they tend to amplify and magnify the narcissist locus of grandiosity. Their fans and followers and psychopans and echolytes and so on. The narcissist witnesses are echoes in an echo chamber. And only then does the narcissist experience ego syony. And the whole situation, the group of witnesses, the body of witnesses, they are actually secondary sources of narcissistic supply because whenever the narcissist self-concept is upheld, whenever it is
10. 06:53 butressed, whenever it is affirmed and confirmed, the narcissist experiences narcissistic elation, which is a form of narcissistic supply. So you you see that the psychopathology in narcissism arises from the contaminated and tainted and corrupt gaze of the witnesses surrounding the narcissist. Similarly, your mental health depends crucially on having around you witnesses which are either mentally healthy or non-corrupt. They don’t have ulterior motives. They don’t have hidden agendas. They don’t want to exploit you or abuse butressed, whenever it is affirmed and confirmed, the narcissist experiences narcissistic elation, which is a form of narcissistic supply. So you you see that the psychopathology in narcissism arises from the contaminated and tainted and corrupt gaze of the witnesses surrounding the narcissist. Similarly, your mental health depends crucially on having around you witnesses which are either mentally healthy or non-corrupt. They don’t have ulterior motives. They don’t have hidden agendas. They don’t want to exploit you or abuse
11. 07:38 you. So witnessing constituting yourself on the fly through other people’s gaze, seeing yourself through their eyes is a very very crucial dynamic. The narcissist, for example, disappears, vanishes literally when witnesses um change their memories suddenly when they disagree with the narcissist self-concept causing narcissistic injury and motification or when they simply walk away. The narcissist is so dependent on witnessing that one could safely say that pathological narcissism is a process of witnessing gun or eye and you. So witnessing constituting yourself on the fly through other people’s gaze, seeing yourself through their eyes is a very very crucial dynamic. The narcissist, for example, disappears, vanishes literally when witnesses um change their memories suddenly when they disagree with the narcissist self-concept causing narcissistic injury and motification or when they simply walk away. The narcissist is so dependent on witnessing that one could safely say that pathological narcissism is a process of witnessing gun or eye and
12. 08:24 that there is nothing more to pathological narcissism than this process of witnessing that in other words the narcissist is 100% constituted from the outside that the narcissist is actually the creation of external forces and that the narcissist much wanted vaunted uh self-concept is not the creation of a narcissist actually but the way these corrupt and tainted witnesses manipulate the narcissist into coming up into conjuring the false self. Now, of course, the first corrupted witnesses in the narcissist’s life are his mother and that there is nothing more to pathological narcissism than this process of witnessing that in other words the narcissist is 100% constituted from the outside that the narcissist is actually the creation of external forces and that the narcissist much wanted vaunted uh self-concept is not the creation of a narcissist actually but the way these corrupt and tainted witnesses manipulate the narcissist into coming up into conjuring the false self. Now, of course, the first corrupted witnesses in the narcissist’s life are his mother and
13. 09:08 father, role models, teachers, peers in early childhood to early adolescence. The problem with with witnessing is that when it is absent, when you are not able to procure or secure witnesses to what has happened to you, when you are disbelieved, when your version of events is rejected, when your interpretation or explanation of what has happened to you is mocked and ridiculed and criticized and and you out of hand. When all this happens, it creates injury. In the narcissist, this creates narcissistic injury. father, role models, teachers, peers in early childhood to early adolescence. The problem with with witnessing is that when it is absent, when you are not able to procure or secure witnesses to what has happened to you, when you are disbelieved, when your version of events is rejected, when your interpretation or explanation of what has happened to you is mocked and ridiculed and criticized and and you out of hand. When all this happens, it creates injury. In the narcissist, this creates narcissistic injury.
14. 09:56 In a healthy person, in a healthy human being, this creates what we call epistemic injury. Epistemic injury is when you know that something has happened and you’re pretty sure about why it has happened and how it unfolded and yet people refuse to believe you. People reject you and your version of events. People undermine you. So epistemic injury, narcissistic injury is the narcissist way of experiencing epistemic injury. But what I’m trying to show to demonstrate in this video is that there’s a common fundament In a healthy person, in a healthy human being, this creates what we call epistemic injury. Epistemic injury is when you know that something has happened and you’re pretty sure about why it has happened and how it unfolded and yet people refuse to believe you. People reject you and your version of events. People undermine you. So epistemic injury, narcissistic injury is the narcissist way of experiencing epistemic injury. But what I’m trying to show to demonstrate in this video is that there’s a common fundament
15. 10:36 there’s a common foundation to both narcissism and a healthy way of life. a healthy um psyche. Witnessing is common in both. Witnessing gives rise to both. It is witnessing that’s that safeguards and vouch safes mental health on the one hand. It is witnessing that drives people to become narcissist and it all depends on who the witnesses are. The narcissist is dissociated. So in the case of the narcissist witnessing as an is even more power than in the case of the healthy person because the healthy there’s a common foundation to both narcissism and a healthy way of life. a healthy um psyche. Witnessing is common in both. Witnessing gives rise to both. It is witnessing that’s that safeguards and vouch safes mental health on the one hand. It is witnessing that drives people to become narcissist and it all depends on who the witnesses are. The narcissist is dissociated. So in the case of the narcissist witnessing as an is even more power than in the case of the healthy person because the healthy
16. 11:20 person as a functional constellated integrated self a core identity. The healthy person experiences himself or herself as a continuous process. The healthy person’s dependence on witnessing is mainly social and relational. Like it would be very bad if you’re unable to secure witnesses as a healthy person. You would feel isolated. You will feel dejected and rejected. You would do your best to secure witnesses. I mean it’s it would create compulsive behaviors to some extent. But that’s that’s the extent of person as a functional constellated integrated self a core identity. The healthy person experiences himself or herself as a continuous process. The healthy person’s dependence on witnessing is mainly social and relational. Like it would be very bad if you’re unable to secure witnesses as a healthy person. You would feel isolated. You will feel dejected and rejected. You would do your best to secure witnesses. I mean it’s it would create compulsive behaviors to some extent. But that’s that’s the extent of
17. 11:54 it. Whereas in narcissism, in pathological narcissism, the absence of witnesses is cataclysmic, catastrophic. And the reason is the narcissist does not have a functional integrated constellated self. It does. The narcissist does not have this sense of inner internal continuity. The narcissist is disjointed, discontinuous because the narcissist is dissociative. So in the case of the narcissist, witnessing serves as an external memory and a source of continuously reconstructed identity. Whereas in a it. Whereas in narcissism, in pathological narcissism, the absence of witnesses is cataclysmic, catastrophic. And the reason is the narcissist does not have a functional integrated constellated self. It does. The narcissist does not have this sense of inner internal continuity. The narcissist is disjointed, discontinuous because the narcissist is dissociative. So in the case of the narcissist, witnessing serves as an external memory and a source of continuously reconstructed identity. Whereas in a
18. 12:33 healthy person, witnessing is not the source of identity and not the source of memory. Witnessing helps to organize identities and and memories. Witnessing gets incorporated into identity and memories. Yes, that’s that much is true. We are all relational creatures. But there’s a limit. There’s a clear boundary between me between a healthy person and the world. The healthy person knows this is me. This is this is where I end and the world begins. This is where the world end and I begin healthy person, witnessing is not the source of identity and not the source of memory. Witnessing helps to organize identities and and memories. Witnessing gets incorporated into identity and memories. Yes, that’s that much is true. We are all relational creatures. But there’s a limit. There’s a clear boundary between me between a healthy person and the world. The healthy person knows this is me. This is this is where I end and the world begins. This is where the world end and I begin
19. 13:07 regardless of the existence of witnesses. In the case of the narcissist, there’s no such thing. There are no boundaries because there’s no self. There are no ego boundaries because there’s no self. So witnessing floods inundates the empty space in the narcissist where a self should have existed. The hole in the shape of an absent self is open to invasion to the invasion of witnesses to invasionary witnessing. And so witnessing becomes the narcissist’s external hard disk, external memory. The nar the regardless of the existence of witnesses. In the case of the narcissist, there’s no such thing. There are no boundaries because there’s no self. There are no ego boundaries because there’s no self. So witnessing floods inundates the empty space in the narcissist where a self should have existed. The hole in the shape of an absent self is open to invasion to the invasion of witnesses to invasionary witnessing. And so witnessing becomes the narcissist’s external hard disk, external memory. The nar the
20. 13:50 narcissist remembers things through other people, through their memories actually. And at the same time the narcissist experiences himself or herself at any given moment never continuously but at any given moment through the ga exclusively through the gaze of other people. And in the absence of these gaze there is no experience of existence of the self. There’s just a void a black hole. And so the narcissist’s empty schizoid core predisposes the narcissist to become a mere sum total of witnesses and narcissist remembers things through other people, through their memories actually. And at the same time the narcissist experiences himself or herself at any given moment never continuously but at any given moment through the ga exclusively through the gaze of other people. And in the absence of these gaze there is no experience of existence of the self. There’s just a void a black hole. And so the narcissist’s empty schizoid core predisposes the narcissist to become a mere sum total of witnesses and
21. 14:33 witnessing. Having said that, witnessing is really important even in the e in the psych psych psychic economy psychological economy of healthy people. without witnessing gradually the structures of the self dis disintegrate. You put people in solitary confinement or on a lonely island all alone they gradually fall apart and it is as I said because witnessing is the external scaffolding the external the exoskeleton that holds people together healthy and and unhealthy alike. These functions are common to all human beings witnessing. Having said that, witnessing is really important even in the e in the psych psych psychic economy psychological economy of healthy people. without witnessing gradually the structures of the self dis disintegrate. You put people in solitary confinement or on a lonely island all alone they gradually fall apart and it is as I said because witnessing is the external scaffolding the external the exoskeleton that holds people together healthy and and unhealthy alike. These functions are common to all human beings
22. 15:18 and the need to be seen in the child is very very primitive, very basic and it evolves as as you grow up. It evolves and in adulthood the need to be seen is not only pointlike is not only the need to be seen at any given moment but the need to be seen on a continuum. This continuum is one’s personal history autobiography. This is why it’s so difficult as you grow up when people die around you, friends, spouses, people who used to witness you, people who became part of you, people whose gaze defined you to some and the need to be seen in the child is very very primitive, very basic and it evolves as as you grow up. It evolves and in adulthood the need to be seen is not only pointlike is not only the need to be seen at any given moment but the need to be seen on a continuum. This continuum is one’s personal history autobiography. This is why it’s so difficult as you grow up when people die around you, friends, spouses, people who used to witness you, people who became part of you, people whose gaze defined you to some
23. 16:11 extent. people. When these people die, physically die, but also divorce, when they move away and you lose contact with them, it’s like losing a part of yourself because we are a cloud of witnesses. uh and the fuel that runs this cloud electricity is the process of witnessing. This is why what is happening today in postmodern societies is very very concerning and very worrying. The isolation, the atomization, the voluntary no contact with non-abusive family members, the decline in friendship to the point extent. people. When these people die, physically die, but also divorce, when they move away and you lose contact with them, it’s like losing a part of yourself because we are a cloud of witnesses. uh and the fuel that runs this cloud electricity is the process of witnessing. This is why what is happening today in postmodern societies is very very concerning and very worrying. The isolation, the atomization, the voluntary no contact with non-abusive family members, the decline in friendship to the point
24. 17:07 of vanishing, the technological self-sufficiency, the skitsoid choices, the lack of social interactions, the disappearance of sex, intimacy. These are all terrifying trends because ultimately if we find ourselves in a situation where witnessing is no longer a known art form when we no longer know how to witness other people and when we are no longer able to secure witnesses and witnessing in our own lives. This would lead to a pandemic of psychopathology. a total collapse in mental health. It could there could be different of vanishing, the technological self-sufficiency, the skitsoid choices, the lack of social interactions, the disappearance of sex, intimacy. These are all terrifying trends because ultimately if we find ourselves in a situation where witnessing is no longer a known art form when we no longer know how to witness other people and when we are no longer able to secure witnesses and witnessing in our own lives. This would lead to a pandemic of psychopathology. a total collapse in mental health. It could there could be different
25. 17:58 manifestations of this depression, anxiety, personality disorders, but it’s a tsunami awaiting to happen. Loneliness therefore or aloneeness, solitude and so on are viable choices in an individual’s life. But when taken to real extremes, they risk the individual’s mental health, capacity to function, and above all self-concept, and a sense of continuity and core identity. The individual disintegrates, and there’s nobody there to pick up the p the pieces. There’s no witness to what manifestations of this depression, anxiety, personality disorders, but it’s a tsunami awaiting to happen. Loneliness therefore or aloneeness, solitude and so on are viable choices in an individual’s life. But when taken to real extremes, they risk the individual’s mental health, capacity to function, and above all self-concept, and a sense of continuity and core identity. The individual disintegrates, and there’s nobody there to pick up the p the pieces. There’s no witness to what
26. 18:43 is happening. is happening.