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1. 00:02 life is full of disappointments for example i’m still alive
2. 00:08 back from prague czechia and today we are going to discuss
3. 00:14 the narcissist most mysterious behavior devaluation
4. 00:20 discard and replacement why does the narcissist devalue you
5. 00:26 why does he discard you even when you act as the perfect partner submissive fawning adulating admiring loving
6. 00:37 caring empathic warm accepting unconditionally there for him and yet
7. 00:45 at some point the narcissist turns around becomes stone cold detached
8. 00:53 and then starts to devalue you the mirror image of the love bombing
9. 00:59 phase you had been perfect now you are the rarification of imperfection you had been hyper
10. 01:06 intelligent and now you are dumb you have been beautiful and now you’re ugly and fat and worn down [Music] what had happened
11. 01:17 in the narcissist mind or maybe in reality maybe it’s something you did maybe you’re responsible for it the questions keep swirling in your mind
12. 01:29 you can’t make sense of this sudden turnaround which ostensibly has no extra his head
13. 01:36 no external triggers just out of the blue well today i’m going to reveal to you the secret reason behind the narcissist’s inexplicable devaluation and discard behaviors i’ve
14. 01:53 touched upon it in previous videos there’s going to be a dialogue which i had done with richard grenon
15. 02:00 in prague on my recent trip but this video right now would be a kind of a
16. 02:07 bridge a bridge into the unknown bridge into eternity bridge into the narcissist
17. 02:14 infinitely convoluted contorted confabulated mind
18. 02:20 what on earth is happening in this tortured labyrinth of the nazis’s brain when he suddenly decide that you are his worst enemy a persecutory object
19. 02:33 to be trashed is so much nothing
20. 02:39 my name is sam wagner i’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited a professor of psychology in southern federal federal university in westovendon russia
21. 02:51 and a professor of psychology and a professor of finance in the outreach program of the cias consortium of
22. 02:58 universities sea ups center for international advanced professional studies phew that was longer than the video itself you hope oh okay you missed it admit admit it admit to it
23. 03:16 you missed it okay now let’s delve
24. 03:22 right in into the abyss known as the narcissist
25. 03:28 mind i want to start surprisingly with a bit of news men are using the replica artificial
26. 03:39 intelligence chatbot to create virtual girlfriends this is an app that you can install and then you can use this app
27. 03:50 to create virtual friends virtual family members virtual girlfriends and so on so forth and these entities this artificially generated entities
28. 04:01 chat with you and gradually develop what feels very much like a relationship
29. 04:08 but here’s a bizarre twist these men create virtual girlfriends and
30. 04:14 then they abuse them and then then they brag about abusing these artificial virtual girlfriends
31. 04:21 they brag online they boast in public they swagger
32. 04:27 they present themselves as the epitome of masculinity by virtue of having abused
33. 04:35 their virtual girlfriends generated by an artificial intelligence
34. 04:41 replica this is a very interesting development
35. 04:47 because it constitutes proof positive that the victim’s role in an abusive
36. 04:53 relationship is largely incidental i’m going to repeat this mind-blowing
37. 04:59 sentence because it undermines everything we think we know about abusive relationships
38. 05:05 it utterly sabotages the science of victimology
39. 05:11 and it casts victims in a totally new light and here is a sentence again
40. 05:17 the fact that men abuse artificial intelligence applications
41. 05:23 pretending to be girlfriends the fact that men are well aware that these are not real girlfriends not flesh and blood and yet abuse them and then go public about it this is proof positive
42. 05:40 that your role in an abusive relationship as a victim is totally irrelevant incidental men would abuse artificial girlfriends
43. 05:51 virtual entities artificial intelligence apps as readily as egregiously as they would abuse you the carbon-based flesh and blood version
44. 06:05 your role is largely incidental abuse revolves mostly around the psychological dynamic of the abuser in other words abuse is not relational
45. 06:18 it’s not an external externalized behavior abuse is internal
46. 06:25 it’s a form of psychodynamic it’s something that happens inside the
47. 06:31 abuser the disturbance of regulation a problem with identity
48. 06:38 something internal not external you just happen to be there in the
49. 06:44 crossfire let’s consider how else the narcissist
50. 06:51 the entire relationship with the narcissist is intended to recreate
51. 06:57 the dynamics of the conflict with the narcissist biological mother during his formative years the narcissist like everybody else
52. 07:08 is a baby to start with is an infant but he has a dead mother
53. 07:15 he has a mother who is not good enough a mother who is selfish absent depressive problematic
54. 07:23 withdrawing avoidant anxious a mother who instrumentalizes the child
55. 07:30 parentifies the child spoils and pampers the child preventing the child from
56. 07:36 gaining gaining access to corrective reality all these are forms of abuse of course
57. 07:43 and so children are exposed to abuse and some of them become narcissists
58. 07:50 this early childhood conflict this constant breach of the emerging
59. 07:56 boundaries of the child the fact that the child had not been allowed to grow up
60. 08:02 to separate to individuate to become an individual this remains as a burden
61. 08:09 as an unresolved issue no closure to your self-help balance
62. 08:15 the narcissist says unfinished business with his mother accounts to be settled
63. 08:21 and so a relationship with the narcissist has a hidden agenda behind it a hidden
64. 08:27 text it is an attempt the narcissist attempt to recreate
65. 08:33 the dynamics the conflict the boundary breaching
66. 08:39 the problem with separation and individuation that he has had with his original usually biological mother
67. 08:46 during the formative years zero to six but why would the narcissist want to go back
68. 08:54 to that harrowing desperate period why would he want why would he want to
69. 09:00 re-experience these emotions which are essentially bad emotions
70. 09:06 what why would he want one to be told again that he’s bad and worthy helpless hopeless etc
71. 09:15 why go back to a period of your life however remote
72. 09:21 that had been all in all a very bad experience well because this time around the narcissist hopes to have or to accomplish different outcomes
73. 09:32 he firmly believes that if he were to recreate the early childhood conflict the early
74. 09:39 childhood dynamics if he were to recreate it now that he is an adult the outcomes would be favorable and
75. 09:47 different and good and the main reason they would turn out differently is that
76. 09:53 he’s no longer a child the power matrix had changed with the original biological mother
77. 10:00 the narcissist as an infant was helpless helpless
78. 10:06 he was lacking in perspicacity knowledge he couldn’t predict the
79. 10:12 behaviors of adults around him his mother his mother’s behaviors especially he was not allowed to be in touch with reality and to develop reality testing
80. 10:23 he was prevented or denied the ability to develop strict and firm boundaries and
81. 10:30 so self did not emerge he he was rendered selfless
82. 10:36 ironically and so here’s a second chance the narcissist regards his intimate
83. 10:44 partner is a maternal figure is a mother’s substitute a surrogate mother
84. 10:50 with whom he can re-enact his childhood it’s a second chance at the second childhood this time with different outcomes because the narcissist is
85. 11:02 strong powerful knowledgeable unlike the infant who had suffered early
86. 11:08 on so the narcissist believes that he is going to rectify
87. 11:15 and remedy his faulty upbringing by teaming up with an intimate partner who would willingly collude and collaborate in acting out the maternal
88. 11:26 role so the narcissist hopes to obtain successful separation individuation
89. 11:35 remember with the original biological mother the narcissist had failed the mother did not allow him to separate and to become an individual she emotionally blackmailed him she stifled
90. 11:47 him she spoiled him she instrumentalized him she perentified him she
91. 11:53 physically abused him verbally and psychologically invaded his turf his mind etc etc
92. 12:00 the narcissist hopes that this time around with his intimate partner he will be able to obtain
93. 12:06 perfect separation individuation he will be able to finally say goodbye to mommy
94. 12:12 or to the surrogate mummy to the substitute mummy but how can
95. 12:18 how can an adult separate individuals children do it naturally
96. 12:24 they walk away from mummy they take on the world grandiosely what should an adult do
97. 12:30 the narcissist’s way of separating individuating from the intimate partner who is also a
98. 12:37 mother the natural way to do that is devaluation and discard i want you to listen to this well because this is the core issue
99. 12:48 in relationships with narcissists and in narcissistic abuse the narcissist
100. 12:55 wants you to be his mother that’s the concept of dual dual mothership or dual motherhood which i dealt with have dealt with in my dialogues with granola in other videos he wants you to be his
101. 13:07 mother he wants you to love him unconditionally but he wants you to be his mother because he wants to obtain separation
102. 13:15 individuation from the very beginning of the relationship hardwired built into the dynamic
103. 13:22 is the aim of saying goodbye to you of becoming separate from you
104. 13:29 of individuating individuating dividing dividing himself from you
105. 13:35 the narcissist teams up with you as an intimate partner in a shared fantasy
106. 13:41 forces you to act as a maternal figure so that he is able to separate from you
107. 13:49 and to become finally a grown-up well-delineated and boundary adult
108. 13:56 but the only way he is able to separate from you and to become his own men
109. 14:04 is to devalue you and then to discard you in the original dynamic
110. 14:10 the narcissist had been devalued and discarded by his own mother now that the power matrix had shifted now that the narcissist is the strong
111. 14:21 party the empowered party now he’s gonna do this to his substitute mother
112. 14:28 it’s all a mirror image the narcissist continues
113. 14:34 this relationship with his mother through you he does not allow you to separate from him as his mother had not allowed him to separate from her
114. 14:46 and he devalues you and discards you the same way his mother diwali had
115. 14:52 devalued and discarded him if he hadn’t performed if he had tried to separate so he is
116. 15:00 devaluing you and discarding you as a way of separating from you this is a crucial insight because it means there’s nothing you can do about it it’s not your fault you did nothing
117. 15:13 wrong it’s not about you abuse especially narcissistic abuse is not about you you don’t exist you are utterly
118. 15:24 replaceable interchangeable you are symbols
119. 15:30 you are representations you are internal objects you are snapshots your introjects everything but you’re not you
120. 15:38 you’re not real three-dimensional human beings the narcissist enacts
121. 15:44 a monodrama stages a theater play involving you
122. 15:50 incidentally the abuse has nothing to do with you it’s a series of steps and internal processes in the narcissist mind
123. 16:01 in narcissistic abuse the narcissist acts as a ventri ventriloquist ventriloquist ventriloquist is someone who animates a
124. 16:13 puppet and speaks through the puppet you don’t see the lips of the ventriloquist moving you see the lips of the puppet
125. 16:20 moving and you think the puppet is the one doing the talking but actually it’s the ventriloquist
126. 16:26 in narcissistic abuse the narcissist acts as a ventriloquist what happens is it creates a snapshot of you he creates a representation of you an
127. 16:37 avatar an icon which is embedded in his mind is an internal object and then what
128. 16:43 he does he animates this internal object he brings it to life a pinocchio effect if you wish he brings this internal object to life by attributing to it
129. 16:55 a kind of monologue the internal object represents the victim
130. 17:02 and then the narcissist scripts the internal objects tells the internal
131. 17:08 object what to say it’s like the famous saying if i want your opinion i’ll give it to you so the narcissist
132. 17:14 allocates a lot to the internal object a speech act he tells the internal he
133. 17:21 gives the internal object a text and he says please say this text aloud
134. 17:27 the narcissist misattributes his own voice and thinks that it is the voice of the introjects he animates the introjects
135. 17:39 kind of an animated film he pulls their strings like a puppet master and he’s a ventriloquist it’s a
136. 17:47 form of self-gaslighting via attribution error the narcissist in his mind has a monologue going on and then he
137. 17:58 attributes parts of this monologue to internal objects which represent
138. 18:04 other people in his life including you the victim and then he blames you
139. 18:10 because he misattributes the text he misretributes the monologue he thinks it was your monologue although the monologue is 100 his monologue it’s internal
140. 18:21 and it is carried out by internal objects the narcissist is a very confused person
141. 18:27 almost psychotic so he thinks you said it that’s that’s why narcissists engage in
142. 18:33 behavior which is misinterpreted as gaslighting it’s actually a form of confabulation
143. 18:40 now the external object the actual partner because you remember this you and you really exist out there you’re an external object you’re three-dimensional you eat you breathe you do other things
144. 18:52 which i cannot mention in good company so you’re alive you’re independent you’re autonomous you’re certifications
145. 18:59 you have agency you’re really out there you exist although after a few years with the narcissist you begin to doubt
146. 19:05 it but let me tell you you do exist and you exist as an external object you’re the narcissist actual intimate partner out there but the narcissist has a representation of you in his mind that’s
147. 19:16 the internal object what analysis does the external object you is erased erased in his mind deleted and it is supplanted
148. 19:28 substituted for by an introject which acts as a self
149. 19:34 object or object representation i’m not going to the the um kind of academic and scholarly interpretation of self
150. 19:45 objects and object representations these are interchangeable concepts
151. 19:51 which describe what i call the snapshot or the introject of the avatar
152. 19:57 but for those of you who are clinicians and therapists and former students the external object is replaced with an
153. 20:05 introject and the introject acts as a self-object or object representation enough said the narcissist also usurps
154. 20:16 some roles in your mind so the first thing he does he reduces you from an external object
155. 20:23 to an internal object and he takes control over the internal object and he animates it as a
156. 20:30 ventriloquist would do he gives it voice this voice is the narcissist’s own monologue but he does even more than that he takes over some parts of you
157. 20:42 most notably he takes over he takes over your inner critic every human being alive has an inner critic it’s a kind of a voice
158. 20:53 a voice that tells you what you’re doing is wrong what you’re doing is socially unacceptable you should stop doing this
159. 21:00 it’s bad for you it’s bad for others this is called the inner critic freud called it the superego it’s a part of
160. 21:06 the ego the inner critic can be benign or benevolent helpful supportive or it the
161. 21:15 inner critic can be harsh and sadistic we could have a sadistic superego there are conscious conscience which is another name for the superego part of the super ego that your
162. 21:26 conscience can be rigid and demanding in punitive or helpful and
163. 21:32 supportive and in advisory capacity so some people have the types of inner critic and
164. 21:39 superego unconscious which are bad for them they are enemy they’re enemies actually
165. 21:45 they torture they harangue they criticize they chastise and castigate and you know
166. 21:53 they’re always there sitting in trial over you so
167. 21:59 what the narcissist does he enters your mind and he usurps
168. 22:05 he he kind of hijacks your inner critic and he turns it
169. 22:11 into a sadistic super ego he takes over your inner critic he renders the inner critic harsh unforgiving demanding
170. 22:22 punitive hateful self-destructive self-defeating
171. 22:28 sabotaging so the narcissist not only takes over your inner critic
172. 22:34 replaces your inner creating critic he actually the narcissist implants himself
173. 22:40 like a foreign implant in your mind as your exclusive inner critic from that
174. 22:46 moment on whenever you want to resort to your inner critic you actually find the analysis there
175. 22:53 the narcissist had taken over and now the narcissist is your inner critic the narcissist hates your guts
176. 23:00 because he has to replace you now he has to separate from you he has to individuate he must devalue you and he
177. 23:08 must discard you and to do this he must render you a bad unworthy object
178. 23:15 he must criticize you all the time so the narcissist in a critic function in your mind is sadistic it’s your absolute secretary object it’s an enemy it’s rigid and it’s unflinching and unrelenting it in other
179. 23:32 words it victimizes you the narcissist goes through three phases
180. 23:38 one he converts you into an internal object two he takes over your inner critical your
181. 23:45 superego your conscience and he starts to start to devalue you and torture you
182. 23:51 and then in order to separate from you and individuate in order to
183. 23:58 complete reenact the early conflict with his original mother this time successfully
184. 24:05 he needs to devalue you he devalues you he discards you in this way he had
185. 24:11 conclusively separated from you this time triumphantly as victor
186. 24:17 empowered and strong unlike the infant in his early childhood when he was an
187. 24:23 infant and couldn’t cope with mother the power matrix as an infant was totally reversed mother was all-powerful the child is helpless learned helplessness
188. 24:35 when the narcissist entrains you we again i refer you to two videos one
189. 24:42 of which is a dialogue with richard graham and another about in training so when the narcissism
190. 24:49 trains you he takes over your inner critic and he takes over your ego boundary
191. 24:55 functions there’s a video dedicated to this how the narcissist takes over
192. 25:01 ego functions or and the narcissist takes over your ego functions because he has no ego
193. 25:07 functions of his own he outsources his ego functions from other people a process known as
194. 25:14 narcissistic supply so he does the same to you he forces you to outsource your ego functions to him ego functions are very important for
195. 25:25 example your ability to understand reality to comprehend it is an ego function your ability to regulate your internal sense of self-worth is an ego functions
196. 25:37 function and now all these functions are carried out by the narcissist and because they’re carried out by the
197. 25:43 narcissist it’s like you have outsourced your mind the narcissist had converted you in into
198. 25:50 an internal object he took over your inner critic your superego and now he took or he takes over your ego functions he hollows you out
199. 26:01 he empties you he he renders you a reflection and a resonance of his own
200. 26:08 internal empty schizoid core you become a replica a mirror image
201. 26:16 of the narcissist so he takes over your totality and suddenly
202. 26:22 you develop an external locus of control you feel that your life your mind your emotions your cognitions
203. 26:30 your effect your decision making your choices everything your moods everything is determined from the outside by the narcissist you are a puppet you have been
204. 26:42 puppetized and so this is an external locus of control it’s like you had been rendered virtual
205. 26:49 the narcissists are science to you the role of a victim in his script but more importantly is
206. 26:57 the role of a mother now that he had taken over your inner critic now that he is usurped and absconded
207. 27:04 with your ego functions now that you’re nothing but a representation an avatar a symbol
208. 27:10 two-dimensional cartoon now as a mother figure he can do anything he
209. 27:16 wants to you now he is all-powerful and you are totally helpless
210. 27:22 a mirror image of his relationship with his mother in in early childhood but a reversal now he is the empowered party and he’s gonna do to you
211. 27:33 what he should have done with his mother he’s going to separate an individual by devaluing you and discarding you once
212. 27:40 you’re out of his life he literally literally and figuratively he had
213. 27:47 separated from you the only way for him to separate from you is to separate himself from you
214. 27:54 and in order to do this he needs to consider you unworthy of him
215. 28:00 in other words he needs to devalue you now all this
216. 28:06 all this is the culmination of a historical process
217. 28:13 now this whole the whole field of social psychology and psycho psycho
218. 28:19 history and so on and there are groups of scholars like the mouse and
219. 28:26 others who seriously claim and pretty convincingly sometimes
220. 28:32 that mental health disorders are culture bound they’re reflections of a period in history culture and society
221. 28:40 i largely share some of this sentiment i think for example narcissistic personality disorder and more generally
222. 28:47 narcissistic disorders of character and self are do reflect a modern and postmodern
223. 28:56 civilization and so if this is true everything that’s happening to you as a victim
224. 29:02 is largely determined or at least heavily influenced by the period in history you live in
225. 29:09 culture and society you inhabit and the technologies you use
226. 29:15 which leads me to the metaverse bear with me as i’m going to close the circle at the end of the video but we
227. 29:22 need now to step back and ask ourselves why this phenomenon of narcissistic
228. 29:28 abuse why narcissistic personality disorder these are hallmarks of the 20th century
229. 29:35 why did they come into being or come to be recognized at least
230. 29:41 in their current form in the 20th century why not in the 17th century or the 10th century
231. 29:49 and to understand that i think we need to talk about technology and i want to go from the future to the
232. 29:55 past the metaverse the metaverse web 3 is the future of the internet
233. 30:02 it is an immersive environment it is an artificial environment
234. 30:09 the metaverse is supposedly a universe on the internet that would provide you with anything you need all your activities including work
235. 30:20 sex emotional gratification entertainment all we would be catered to
236. 30:26 fully within an artificial environment the metaverse
237. 30:32 now the metaverse wouldn’t be the first time that humans have transitioned from reality
238. 30:38 to an artificial environment it is not an unprecedented instance of
239. 30:46 what i call virtualization now it’s a bit surprising because people think the metaverse is
240. 30:52 unprecedented never happened before that is not true thousands of years ago
241. 30:58 there was a process called urbanization urbanization started it’s still ongoing by the way thousands of years ago urbanization the move from village or farm to city the move to cities
242. 31:15 in the habitation of cities is called urbanization thousands of years ago
243. 31:21 urbanization drove millions of people from nature to cities
244. 31:27 what are cities cities are artificial environments
245. 31:34 cities are virtual virtual environments they’re not natural
246. 31:40 cities are not natural cities are not farm land they’re not forests they’re
247. 31:46 not lakes they’re not habitats or natural habitats cities are
248. 31:52 artificial virtual environments and the transition from the farm or from the
249. 31:58 village to the city is the exact equivalent of the transition from real reality to the
250. 32:05 metaverse thousands of years ago urbanization drove millions of people from nature to cities cities are the reification and
251. 32:16 the quintessence of fantasy rendered in bricks and mortar
252. 32:24 backpedal to agriculture agriculture requires an intimate acquaintance
253. 32:31 with nature it requires a relatedness to nature the culture is embedded 100
254. 32:38 in nature but agriculture also fosters non-narcissistic traits
255. 32:45 agriculture for example engenders encourages the capacity to delay gratification and to prepare for the future you put a
256. 32:56 seed in the ground today you have to wait a few months until it becomes food or additional seed
257. 33:04 this period of waiting trains you to be patient
258. 33:10 trains you to observe to be observant this period inevitable period of waiting
259. 33:16 there’s nothing you can do about it it’s the natural rhythm of nature it’s nothing good about it so you
260. 33:23 develop a capacity to delay gratification and you develop a view of the future
261. 33:29 you develop a concept of time and the consequences of your own actions
262. 33:36 if you misbehave you will have nothing to eat you will go hungry you need to tolerate adversity and you have you need to have humility in the face of the elements
263. 33:48 now how do we call all these all these traits and behaviors put them together this one word
264. 33:54 maturity agriculture forces you to grow up
265. 34:00 forces you to be mature forces you to have traits and qualities
266. 34:06 that encourage and enhance collaboration with others and with nature integration with nature
267. 34:16 these are all these are all worthy parameters of human conduct and
268. 34:22 human character the culture cannot
269. 34:28 cannot tolerate narcissism if you’re a narcissist in an agricultural society you’re bound to end
270. 34:35 up as a hungry or a dead narcissist the agriculture tolerates no vanity no egotism no exploit exploitativeness
271. 34:46 no lack of empathy agriculture expects you to behave in ways which are conducive to your own benefit as well
272. 34:57 as to the benefit of all others in other words agriculture is
273. 35:03 the antonym of narcissism all these benign traits
274. 35:09 and behaviors have been lost in the transition to cities when people moved to dense non-natural dwellings they lost all this
275. 35:21 they became increasingly more and more narcissistic in a desperate attempt to be noticed to
276. 35:27 be seen and to kind of muscle in
277. 35:33 on scarce resources allocation of scarce resources within cities required ambition competitiveness
278. 35:41 relentlessness lack of empathy in other traits which are typical of
279. 35:47 narcissists the city had infantilized its inhabitants
280. 35:53 because it had rendered them dependent on the country they no longer grew their own food
281. 36:00 they had to wait for other people to grow their food for them the city had rendered its denizens
282. 36:06 narcissistic psychopathic and or co-dependent all these malaysias all these diseases are the diseases of modernity starting a
283. 36:17 few thousands years ago with urbanization megalopolysis also precipitated and facilitated the
284. 36:25 environmental calamities that enshroud the planet today and that threaten our very survival as a species ultimately cities had created adverse dynamics between genders between people cities led to the disintegration of communities
285. 36:46 families other institutions the challenge to authority structures and hierarchies
286. 36:55 and so on cities all in all i think as far as the
287. 37:01 psychology of human beings cities have been an unmitigated catastrophe unmitigated disaster i think also environmentally the adverse outcomes
288. 37:12 of the metaverse the adverse outcomes of the metaverse
289. 37:18 will far outweigh the adverse outcomes wrought by the mass migration to cities in other words the next transition from reality
290. 37:29 to virtuality is going to be much worse the first transition from reality
291. 37:36 from nature to the virtual and the artificial the city had its horrible consequences most
292. 37:43 notably the rise of narcissism the second transition from cities to the metaphors will have much much worse outcomes and the reason is this
293. 37:54 in physical human habitations societies institutions and other individuals constrain each other via intricate and ever-evolving webs of
294. 38:06 checks and balances not so in cyberspace cyberspace is solipsistic
295. 38:13 self-sufficient self-contained asocial competitive self-centered
296. 38:20 and aggressive the transition from nature
297. 38:26 from agriculture to the cities was a transition from communality
298. 38:32 and benevolence to narcissism and the transition from the cities to the metaverse
299. 38:38 will be a transition from narcissism to psychopathy