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1. 00:03 last time i checked my name was still sam vaknin which shocked me and surprised me no end plus i am still the author of malignant
2. 00:14 self-love narcissism revisited many other books many books and videos
3. 00:20 and so on about narcissism and personality disorders
4. 00:26 today we are going to discuss the four secret buttons of the narcissist
5. 00:33 the buttons that you need to push if you want to survive the so-called relationship if you want
6. 00:41 to manipulate the narcissist or if you even want to detached break up
7. 00:48 and say goodbye in a manner which would be somehow somewhat amicable
8. 00:55 and not acrimonious and destructive and threatening these are the four buttons that activate the narcissist these four buttons put together this is the operating system of the narcissist this is his internal landscape
9. 01:12 these four buttons comprise all the introjects all the internal objects all the modes
10. 01:18 of interrelatedness interpersonal in the workplace towards
11. 01:25 physical natural reality in the human environment put these four together and you have a one-page leaflet which summarizes aptly
12. 01:37 the much bigger user manual my book malignant self-love narcissism revisited
13. 01:43 has 720 pages and you can reduce all of them into these four
14. 01:49 sentences for operating principles for organizing principles and for
15. 01:55 buttons to push so before we go there um
16. 02:01 i would like just like to clarify yet again that the videos online are
17. 02:08 either lectures university lectures and therefore highly academic and rely on studies and research and even the videos that i that are not university lectures they rely on a great on a big
18. 02:24 relatively big database of people diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorders
19. 02:30 almost 2 000 of them and they rely on hundreds of studies and scholarly
20. 02:36 literature going back all the way to 1914
21. 02:42 so my material the lectures the books everything is not autobiographical it’s not about me you keep ignoring the fact that i’m a professor of psychology
22. 02:54 and a published author um in the field and you keep attributing
23. 03:00 everything you hear and everything you watch and everything you learn from me to my personality now that’s bad for you it has no effect on me but it’s bad for you because you would sometimes tend to
24. 03:11 reject a lot of information saying well that applies to sam that’s not the case with all narcissists
25. 03:17 they would be wrong there will be fallacious that would mislead you because whatever i’m saying applies to
26. 03:24 the vast majority of nazis many of whom have nothing in common with me actually
27. 03:30 if you want um if you are interested in an autobiographical view of narcissism
28. 03:37 there are a few analysis online and they offer literature and videos
29. 03:43 and they are not professors of psychology and they’re not scholars and they’re not academics and a lot of the information they give you
30. 03:49 is highly idiosyncratic highly specific to them highly autobiographical a lot of
31. 03:56 information they give you is not applicable to all narcissists only to them so if you care to see one
32. 04:02 narcissist’s point of view there are there are others online who um give you this vantage point
33. 04:10 uh i myself had published my own personal diary it’s called the diary of a narcissist and it’s available on amazon it’s available i mean the chapters are available online free of charge on my website and that is
34. 04:22 my personal point of view but all the rest is academic
35. 04:29 and the equivalent of a textbook okay last last two points before we go
36. 04:36 we get to the four buttons um there’s a debate can iq tests measure an
37. 04:44 iq of 190 because my iq is 190 can it be is it possible at all and so on well is
38. 04:50 the answer the most commonly used test is known as wais
39. 04:56 there are various variants of this test and this commonly used test can measure anything up to 230
40. 05:04 however any number above 160 is suspect because it is not normatively validated in other words the number of
41. 05:16 people with 160 170 180 let alone 190 the
42. 05:22 number is so tiny for example there are only nine people in the world with 190. the number is so small that this is not
43. 05:30 a representative sample we cannot we cannot derive any valid
44. 05:36 uh information from this tiny group of people so when when someone is diagnosed or
45. 05:42 tested and scores 180 or 190 which can happen definitely can happen
46. 05:49 with any iq test it’s a problem because there’s no one to compare him to
47. 05:55 compare him with and when there’s no one to compare him with the number is suspect
48. 06:02 now there are other iq tests highly highly matrix test for example highly specific iq tests where the result is normatively validated in other words even 190 or 200 is in a
49. 06:15 way normatively validated because the engine the statistical engine at the core of the test is such that all the results are validated well at least up to 200 or 210. okay watch the video i made a video about 12 misconceptions of 12
50. 06:32 superstitions um in psychology and you one of them is iqtus which i personally i think iq
51. 06:40 tests are bordering on scam if you ask me and they’re very misleading because iq iq measurements are only only reflect your analytical capacity
52. 06:52 not your synthetic capacity not your emotional intelligence nothing else so that you
53. 06:58 have a higher iq means nothing it maybe predicts your intellectual or academic achievements
54. 07:05 but that’s all so don’t be too impressed with iq now at the end of the video i’m going to
55. 07:11 discuss the gamma men the construct of the gamma men and the social sexual hierarchy
56. 07:17 it’s going to be the end of the of the video and at the end of the video i’m also going to read to you an extended excerpt
57. 07:24 from a wonderful book and this excerpts except demonstrates how and why
58. 07:30 narcissists are agents of chaos agents of madness among us
59. 07:38 which would explain the fraught relationships between narcissist and normal or healthy people but we’ll come to it at the very end and let’s get now
60. 07:50 finally you to the topic of the video analysis is four secret
61. 07:56 buttons why is the narcissist why are some narcissists sexless while other narcissists are
62. 08:03 hypersex why some narcissists objectify people while others implement a shared
63. 08:12 fantasy well actually they act as hyper-romantic and and so on why some of them avoid
64. 08:18 intimacy and others seek it why some of them are schizoid and others are
65. 08:24 gregarious and very sociable why some narcissists engage in engaging in system others do not etc etc narcissism is such a spectrum of behaviors that sometimes people feel that anything can fit in under this single word anything the in
66. 08:42 anyone could be a narcissist well that’s untrue of course narcissism is a very clear clinical
67. 08:48 construct the diagnostic and statistical manual committee um deliberated for well over two or
68. 08:56 three years on the issue of whether narcissism is a real thing or not is it a clinical entity or not and they
69. 09:03 had reached the conclusion having reviewed reams of literature interviewed dozens of experts and so on
70. 09:09 they had reached a conclusion that it is by all means a real very real thing but
71. 09:15 it narcissism is the totality of the personality narcissism is not like cancer or
72. 09:21 tuberculosis narcissism is not like for example bipolar disorder
73. 09:27 or schizophrenia narcissism is the totality of the person that’s why the diagnostic and
74. 09:33 statistical manual uses the word all pervasive every field every area
75. 09:39 every behavior every cognition every lack of emotion every negative emotion all of them are
76. 09:46 imbued and imprinted with narcissism so that’s why there is such a diversity and
77. 09:52 variety of behaviors affect emotions cognitions reactions when we look at
78. 09:59 different narcissists but all these can be reduced to four organizing explanatory motivating effective cognitive principles
79. 10:12 only four and if you learn these four if you get acquainted with these four if you really delve into these four you will easily know how to coexist with the narcissist
80. 10:23 obtain favorable outcomes or leave the narcissist abandon him in a way which will not have long-term repercussions so here are the four precautious child
81. 10:37 conquering hero father guru and divinity now immediately some of you
82. 10:43 will say that is very reminiscent of jung’s archetypes it’s even reminiscent of tarot cards
83. 10:51 you know in tariff cards you have these characters and it’s very true turret cards of course reflect
84. 10:58 deep unconscious archetypes as jung called them deep unconscious constructs that’s why
85. 11:04 tariff cards and other forms of divination unfortunately are so effective and so successful because they do reflect something profound and deep in the human psyche same with jung’s
86. 11:16 archetypes jung had created as was his habit a whole ideology psycho history and
87. 11:24 went bonkers because he was bonkers he was psychotic so there’s a lot of nonsense around
88. 11:30 these archetypes but the core is true each one of us has these ways of relating to the world
89. 11:38 modes of existing and being which are highly highly stereotyped
90. 11:45 highly structured highly uh and conform to symbolic representations of operational principles and the narcissist has these four
91. 11:57 let’s deconstruct them one by one precautious child the narcissist
92. 12:04 considers himself to be precautious in other words he believes that his accomplishments
93. 12:11 are way outside his age range even when the narcissist is 60 he would say i’m like a 200 year old man
94. 12:20 the narcissist always infantilizes by comparison so he is always an eternal child where i
95. 12:27 tell us there’s always a peter pan syndrome underlying an underlying
96. 12:33 democracy’s personality and embedded in it and it could be a child by comparison even compared to history compared to older people but it will always be an element of i’m younger and because i’m younger my
97. 12:49 accomplishments are dazzling amazing spectacular unprecedented now these accomplishments let it be clear can be intellectual and then we get a
98. 13:00 cerebral narcissist but these accomplishments can also be physical and then we get athletes we get
99. 13:08 bodybuilders we get um hypersex narcissists known as somatic narcissists they are focused on social conquests but whatever they do they believe themselves to be unique they believe that
100. 13:24 the way they do things the energy that they invest
101. 13:30 their mind when it get gets intermingled and enmeshed with the action renders the
102. 13:37 act unique and so uniqueness in the narcissist mind one of the pillars of his grandiosity and sense of superiority haughtiness
103. 13:49 uniqueness lies squarely relies squarely on his infantilization
104. 13:57 for the narcissist to be unique he needs to feel that he is a prodigy precocious
105. 14:04 either via his body or via his mind in many cases both because as you know there’s no type
106. 14:10 constancy the narcissist switches from cerebral to somatic and back now this gives you
107. 14:16 gives you an important key because if you want to gratify the narcissist if
108. 14:23 you want to coexist with the narcissist survive with the narcissist manipulate the narcissist all you need to do is reaffirm
109. 14:32 this button push this button and you can push this button into whis to confirm to confirm the prejudice
110. 14:40 in other words to broadcast to the narcissist to signal to the narcissist
111. 14:46 to somehow convey to the narcissist that you also see him as a child or that his accomplishments are amazing
112. 14:54 and timeless that he is too young to have accomplished what he had accomplished
113. 15:01 that there is a discrepancy between his chronological age and the mounting weight or the mountain
114. 15:08 of his achievements that he is amazing that he is unprecedented that he is
115. 15:14 unique in terms of the discrepancy what he had between what he had secured in his life
116. 15:22 and his age so you can push this button or you can push
117. 15:28 the button in another way and that is when you want to break up when you want to dismantle the shirt
118. 15:34 fantasy we want where you desperately want to exit and you don’t want to betray the narcissist you don’t want to cheat on him as many as many partners do um you want to end
119. 15:45 it amicably and not acrimoniously and not violently and not aggressively and not you don’t want to prolong the process of breakup you know to render it into a multi-decade
120. 15:57 opera so there’s another way to push this button you push this button by insisting
121. 16:05 that the narcissist behave his age acts his age becomes age appropriate you impute to
122. 16:13 him adult chores adult responsibilities you broadcast your expectations
123. 16:22 of him you bargain you enter the bargaining phase that’s essentially the bargaining phase it’s
124. 16:29 when you give up on the pretension that the narcissist is a precautious child a prodigy child an eternal eternal
125. 16:37 adolescent you give up on this pretension you give up on this shared psychotic narrative and you
126. 16:44 insist that the narcissist becomes what he is and i a mature adult not only an adult and so you are beginning to make a
127. 16:55 series of demands they’re all reasonable they’re all common demands you don’t ask for anything
128. 17:01 outlandish you don’t ask for anything that is unheard of you’re just asking
129. 17:07 the narcissist to be responsible to be reliable to be present to not be deceitful
130. 17:15 to act his age to be tidy to be neat to be i mean just to be a
131. 17:22 mature adult to have hobbies and preoccupations which conform to his age
132. 17:28 to um have a job take on a job to bring money home to to
133. 17:35 take up his share you know uh to contribute to daily chores and so this bargaining
134. 17:42 phase pushes the narcissist away because it vitigates it negates the shared fantasy a critical
135. 17:49 element of the shirt fantasy is the narcissist infancy
136. 17:55 the narcissist is a toddler the narcissist is a spoiled brat is the axis and pivot of the shared
137. 18:03 fantasy never mind if the narcissist is cerebral or somatic or even covert in all these cases the
138. 18:10 narcissist needs to be a child confronting the narcissist with adult demands
139. 18:17 renders the shared fantasy mute and dead and he cannot survive outside the shirt fantasy it’s a little like fish and aquarium fish out of water
140. 18:28 the narcissus water is um the shared fantasy and no wonder the shed fantasy is very fishy okay this is the precautious child
141. 18:40 button and the two ways of pushing it each of these buttons has two ways of pushing it
142. 18:46 if you want to maintain and preserve the shirt fantasy with the narcissist there’s one way of pushing the button and if you
143. 18:52 want to destroy the shirt fantasy and thereby exited with the narcissist blessing
144. 18:58 there’s a second way of pushing the button let’s talk about the next button the next button is the conquering hero
145. 19:06 these are all stereotypes or even archetypes the conquering hero superman batman
146. 19:14 spiderman what do we know about these comic marvel heroes they transform
147. 19:21 they are one thing during the day another thing during the night they are human fully human
148. 19:29 in private and fully inhuman or partly human in public
149. 19:37 they are in private they are people just persons with foibles
150. 19:44 with fallacies with with shortcomings with limitations when they are in private when they’re in public they’re heroes they’re saviors
151. 19:55 they’re rescuers they’re infallible they’re mighty they’re invincible they’re omniscient
152. 20:01 they’re omnipotent so you see the narcissist is a public face and a private face
153. 20:07 when the narcissist is alone with himself he experiences he experiences this
154. 20:15 inferiority complex he experiences his lacks and deficiencies and shortcomings
155. 20:21 he needs input from the outside known as narcissistic supply in order to restore himself because when he is alone with himself he is alone with his worst enemy we now think the new thinking is
156. 20:38 that all narcissists are compensatory so all narcissists have covert phases
157. 20:45 even classic and overt narcissists have covered phases this is the new the newest
158. 20:52 thinking about narcissism it’s reflected a distant echo in the alternative model of narcissism
159. 20:59 of narcissistic personality disorder in the dsm 5 page 767
160. 21:05 applause now conquering hero is janus the god with two faces
161. 21:13 this is the narcissist so he wants to be considered superman
162. 21:20 he wants to be considered by everyone as a good person who is out to save and rescue as
163. 21:28 someone who is whose powers are infinite and communal and pro-social all nazis is
164. 21:36 one bit by the way so but when they’re alone they’re insecure they feel unsafe
165. 21:43 because they never had a safe base as children they they they fee they are
166. 21:49 re-traumatized all the old early childhood conflicts the ancient traumas are provoked
167. 21:57 when the narcissist is alone are triggered and he needs other people to soothe him
168. 22:03 to soothe him to restore a reality testing that is actually grandiose and fantastic
169. 22:11 he needs other people to reaffirm his grandiose fantasies about himself
170. 22:17 he needs other people to tell him yes you are a genius you are amazing you are a hero and so
171. 22:24 this is a button this is one of the narcissist buttons and there are two ways of pushing it one
172. 22:31 way of pushing it is to go along for the ride to convey communicate to the narcissist that he is indeed a savior a rescuer
173. 22:44 all-powerful amazing of unique potentialities and capacities
174. 22:50 x-men this is one way by massaging his ego by catering
175. 22:57 to his infantile needs for reassurance and reaffirmation and narcissistic supply you can of
176. 23:03 course manipulate the narcissist or at the very least preserve the peace in the relationship
177. 23:09 reach a kind of modest operandi within the relationship which is essentially calm and peaceful and tranquil and long
178. 23:16 term a homostasis an equilibrium the other way of pushing the button is
179. 23:22 narcissistic injury or in extreme cases narcissistic mortification it’s by challenging the narcissist self-perception as a conquering hero by not allowing him
180. 23:35 to conquer for example the somatic narcissist somatic narcissist needs desperately needs subsists on sexual conquest deny him his sexual conquests and he
181. 23:48 disintegrates like a vampire exposed to sunlight same with the cerebral narcissist
182. 23:54 the cerebral narcissist needs adulation and admiration and affirmation and applause when he
183. 24:00 displays like a peacock his tail his intellectual tale his pyrotechnics intellectual pyrotechnics deny him this supply and he
184. 24:11 disintegrates as well so the second way of using this button is gray rock
185. 24:18 the famous technique which i had not invented regrettably it’s a great technique possibly the
186. 24:25 strongest technique most powerful technique after no contact so gray rock is this pushing the
187. 24:33 conquering hero button by ignoring or by rendering yourself
188. 24:39 an interesting dull boring anxious stupid pseudo stupid
189. 24:46 so when you gray rock the analysis you’re pushing his conquering hero button although in all the wrong ways here he
190. 24:54 is a spectacle displaying himself trying to amaze you into submission
191. 25:01 to shock you and fascinate you into addiction and you are ignoring him and ignoring
192. 25:08 all all his spectacular feats and manifestations and exploits
193. 25:15 and the narcissists cannot survive this is likely to dump you okay the next button the father guru
194. 25:25 again we see two elements here as a father paternal figure
195. 25:32 the narcissist would tend to gravitate to towards women who have daddy issues of course and thereby create a kind of
196. 25:39 compatibility he would be a father to their missing father he would be the father
197. 25:45 they never had he would be a father who is not as abusive as the original father they’ve had so this is the father element but he still is still dispenses
198. 25:56 tough love discipline strict discipline rules boundaries regulations
199. 26:05 uh rigid expectations that’s the father part now in with most narcissists the father
200. 26:12 part is actually rare in cerebral narcissus it is triggered when the cerebral narcissist is asked
201. 26:18 for advice when you solicit the cerebral narcissist advice he becomes a father guru similarly with the somatic he is likely to present himself as far
202. 26:30 more experienced than you sexually he’s going to teach you what is real sex he’s going to introduce you to new worlds and universes of sick of sexuality that you had only seen in the movies or heard of i don’t know bdsm or whatever so the father guru
203. 26:48 is intermixed the paternal figure the avancular figure paternal figure
204. 26:54 that analysis cuts in his relationship with you has elements of superiority sexual superiority intellectual superiority superiority of knowledge superiority of experience he has something over you and it’s the
205. 27:10 guru element he also has the right which any father has to discipline you to tell you how to behave to instruct you is what as to what
206. 27:21 constitutes misbehavior displeasing misbehavior and he he assumes this role
207. 27:28 and it’s very disconcerting and disorienting because he can switch very very speedily
208. 27:36 with alacrity between the child and the father the
209. 27:43 the ingenue the the naive and the in the guru and these
210. 27:50 pendulations these oscillations and vicissitudes are such that you’re thrown thrown off balance
211. 27:58 it’s extremely disorienting and dislocating and it is of course the core technique
212. 28:04 in gaslighting it underlies gaslighting as the narcissist changes his reality
213. 28:10 who he is his identity because he has no core identity his shape shifts his chameleon and his shape shifts and sometimes his shape shifting is a reaction to internal processes as he shape shifts everything around him shape-shifts as well reality itself
214. 28:28 is warped and distorted and this is what we call this process is
215. 28:34 what we call gaslighting it may drive you to the point of madness or at least to the point of believing that you are crazy
216. 28:40 that you’re mad again there are two ways of pushing these buttons this button i’m sorry the father guru
217. 28:46 button one way of pushing the father guru button is to seek advice to cater to the guru and paternal side in in other words to infantilize
218. 28:57 yourself to agree for stretches of time periods or events where you are the one
219. 29:05 who becomes the child in the relationship you switch roles in effect it’s a role switching game
220. 29:12 first he’s the child you’re the mother now you are the child he’s the father so you play along you pretend that
221. 29:19 everything is he says is the eleventh commandment that is the new reincarnation of jesus and moses
222. 29:28 combined that is the reification of the principle of wisdom that is truly a
223. 29:34 unique unprecedented guru and you’re lucky to be in his presence and breathe the
224. 29:41 same air that he does you’re at his feet sometimes literally if he’s a foot fetishes you’re at his
225. 29:48 feet so this is one way of pushing the button it guarantees bliss
226. 29:56 marital or relationship bliss let me tell you the other way of pushing the button is
227. 30:02 of course if you want to exit the relationship destroy the shared fantasy
228. 30:08 challenge and undermine this shared psychotic space so the other way is to challenge
229. 30:16 both roles when he tries to be a guru you dispute what he says you disagree
230. 30:22 you criticize you provide alternative sources of information which this which kind of don’t sit well with
231. 30:30 what he’s saying you mock him you doubt his credentials you ask him openly to prove what he’s what he’s saying and to prove that he is that he has the
232. 30:41 authority to say etc so this undermines the narcissist grandiosity and nothing is more precious than the narcissist than his grandiosity he’s going to dump
233. 30:53 and sacrifice you just in order to preserve his grandiosity similarly when he’s trying to act the father the second way of pushing the button is to refuse to act the child
234. 31:04 to remain an adult to maintain your adulthood so he’s trying to be the father you’re
235. 31:11 the adult in the room you disagree you contest you push back
236. 31:17 you insist on your boundaries on your personal autonomy your agency you become certifications so
237. 31:23 you don’t need him you don’t ask for his advice and if he tries to push it push it on you you inform him that you
238. 31:31 don’t appreciate unsolicited advice and tips and help etc etc so this pushes
239. 31:40 this specific button the wrong way and this is one of the possibly the crucial button the father
240. 31:47 guru button the last button is divinity but it’s not the divinity of the
241. 31:54 olympian sort it’s not divinity of uh like um
242. 32:01 the greek gods as the greek gods were essentially anthropomorphized the greek gods were
243. 32:07 human they copulated with beautiful human females they had offspring with these
244. 32:14 women hercules for example so the greek gods were around a bunch they were drunkards
245. 32:22 they were alcoholics actually many of them were alcoholics they were somatic narcissists they were
246. 32:28 omnipotent i mean they were narcissistic grandiose the greek gods were mental illness writ large no the narcissist divinity is not like the olympian greek gods the
247. 32:41 narcissist divinity is old testament divinity or new testament divinity
248. 32:47 some narcissists all narcissists regard themselves as god-like remember that narcissism is a religion there’s a godhead the false self it’s
249. 32:58 the moloch the false self the child sacrifices child makes a human sacrifice
250. 33:05 the child sacrifices his true self to the false self the idol and the fourth self then takes
251. 33:12 over and it there’s a religion of one god in one worshipper a cult where the
252. 33:20 narcissist fulfills all the roles he is god he is the worshiper and he is the cult so this is the structure of narcissism and some narcissists
253. 33:33 fashion and mold the false self to be like the old testament god it’s an aggressive god a vindictive god petty pretty petty um
254. 33:46 it’s a micromanaging god it’s a control freak god it’s a god who is sometimes absolutely
255. 33:53 sadistic it’s um grandiose god highly narcissistic
256. 33:59 and so on so that’s the old testament god not someone you would like to spend a few hours in the pub with trust me the new testament god is the exact opposite it’s a loving god compassionate god
257. 34:11 caring god an empathic god but still psychotic and grandiose so
258. 34:20 the narcissists can choose to to enact or re-enact the old testament god god the god of
259. 34:27 thunder and brimstone or the new testament god the victim the martyr the saint in either capacity he self-imputes he
260. 34:39 attributes to himself divine powers divine attributes
261. 34:45 you can push this button in two ways as usual one way of pushing the button button is
262. 34:51 worshipping the narcissist he’s a god you’re a worshipper you have a two-man cult a two main sect or a two-man
263. 34:58 religion two people religion i’m sorry you’re not a man so one way is to worship the narcissist
264. 35:05 simply conform to his religious rituals use his uh theological language
265. 35:13 regard the false self is unassailable infallible the epitome and rarification
266. 35:20 of perfection perfection brilliance and and rightness moral
267. 35:26 uh righteousness so this is one way of pushing the button
268. 35:32 if the narcissist chooses the new testament god you push the button by catering to his
269. 35:39 need to feel victimized martyred and so and so forth ironically by mistreating him the more you mistreat him the more attached he will be to you because the more you mistreat and abuse
270. 35:50 him the more you cheat on him the more you betray him well up to a point and that point is the mortification
271. 35:56 the singularity point up to that point as the longer you torment and taunt and
272. 36:03 torture them this kind of narcissist the new testament narcissist the more gratified he is he’s he’s in
273. 36:09 his jesus comfort zone he feels crucified for a good cause so this is one way of pushing the butt
274. 36:16 the other way of pushing the button is of course challenging the self-imputed alleged self-proclaimed
275. 36:22 divinity of the of the narcissists pointing out to him mistakes that he had made
276. 36:28 inconsistencies discrepancies sheer nonsense stupidities wrong decisions failures
277. 36:36 defeats etc etc and doing so repeatedly like you know the chinese
278. 36:43 drop torture water drop torture drop by drop until finally
279. 36:49 he would walk away his divinity the father guru and the divinity buttons are the two important ones because they are at the core of the grandiosity these are the four buttons and these are
280. 37:01 the way ways to push them now why do we feel why do we feel so
281. 37:09 uncomfortable with with narcissists and and so what what why when we come across
282. 37:17 narcissist there is this dis-ease your illite is somehow
283. 37:23 it’s like something’s missing something ambient something is in the air as though the atmosphere has had been instantaneously polluted or poisoned even when you’re in love
284. 37:34 with the narcissist even when you’re irrevocably inexorably attracted to the narcissist even when you find him amazing and humorous and funny and witty and stunning and super intelligent and
285. 37:47 drop that gorgeous there’s still a tiny voice whispering in your ear your intuition
286. 37:54 actually your gut instinct your survival instinct whispering in your ear beware
287. 38:00 be careful either it’s too good to be true so it’s probably not true or
288. 38:07 some of the behaviors of the narcissist don’t don’t sit well with the way he pres he represents
289. 38:13 himself the mask the mask sometimes slips and you get a glimpse of the alien
290. 38:19 beneath the alien beneath so one of the things that narcissists force you to do
291. 38:25 which healthy normal people don’t is this constant self-scrutiny when you’re with
292. 38:32 a healthy normal person you don’t keep asking yourself is everything okay what am i doing here why am i here what’s gonna happen what is this behavior why is he not
293. 38:45 behaving in a way that you know i predicted what’s wrong with me what’s wrong with him what’s wrong with
294. 38:52 us and so i mean this constant background dialogue monologue
295. 38:58 trying to make sense of your experience as essentially a senseless nonsensical
296. 39:06 experience as collectly had observed in his masterpiece mask of sanity this is what psychopaths do and many of the psychopaths that he described
297. 39:17 were later renamed borderlines and narcissists so that’s what psychopaths do they
298. 39:24 discombobulate they introduce chaos and madness and uncertainty and
299. 39:32 and discomfort and wariness and hyper vigilance and sensitivity
300. 39:39 into the situation and you don’t have this with normal and healthy people on the one hand it is precisely this the
301. 39:46 fact that you have to um be on your toes new or connections it’s precisely this
302. 39:53 that heightens amplifies emphasizes the experience experiences
303. 40:00 like nothing else it’s like being ten times more alive than normal everything becomes everything falls into sharp relief you know when you’re in an accident or
304. 40:12 when you suddenly get sick and taken to a hospital everything falls into sharp relief when
305. 40:18 when you when there’s a global calamity like assassination of jfk or the or 911
306. 40:26 you remember every moment and every second you remember erroneously by the way but doesn’t matter the memory is imprinted the narcissist heightens heightens your experience
307. 40:38 colors it brings you in into an ex permanent excitatory state you can’t relax on the one hand
308. 40:47 but on the other hand you feel more alive than ever and the reason the narcissist does this
309. 40:53 is because he’s an agent of chaos he’s an agent who cares because he forces you to think this is the book escapism by ifutuan yifutwang
310. 41:11 y-i-f-u-t-u-a-n he was a cultural geographer this is an excellent book called escapism and i would like to read to you an extended excerpt from the book about chaos and order remember the narcissist
311. 41:24 forces you to think where healthy and normal people do not so he starts with a because he’s
312. 41:33 a cultural geographer essentially a kind of anthropologist a navajo father
313. 41:39 instructs his children in the use of a string game showing how it connects human life to
314. 41:45 the constellations is prelude for telling the coyote
315. 41:51 the game and the tale may be entertaining in themselves but they have a deeper purpose which the
316. 41:57 father explains thus he tells his children we need we need to have ways of thinking of keeping things stable healthy
317. 42:09 beautiful we try for a long life but lots of things can happen to us so
318. 42:15 we keep our thinking in order by these figures and we keep our lives in order with
319. 42:21 these stories we have to relate our lives to stars and to the sun and the animals and all the
320. 42:27 nature or else we will go crazy and get sick essentially what the father is telling
321. 42:34 his children don’t overthink and if you do think think in a rigid
322. 42:40 structured dictated predefined manner don’t think independently the narcissist
323. 42:46 forces you to think outside the box the narcissist takes you out of your comfort zone introduces you
324. 42:54 to unsettling sometimes harrowing and always discomfiting and frightening
325. 43:01 and threatening menacious experiences he forces you to think independently
326. 43:08 and so to innovate i continue quoting so happy people uh i’m sorry let me continue with the
327. 43:19 exit the navajo father commends thinking for its power to produce to produce temporary stays against disorder many societies however recognize that
328. 43:31 thinking without some immediate practical end in mind can cause unhappiness
329. 43:37 and that indeed it is in itself evidence of unhappiness happy people
330. 43:44 happy people have no reason to think they live rather than question living
331. 43:52 to inuits thinking signifies either craziness
332. 43:58 or the strength to have independent viewers both qualities are antisocial and to be
333. 44:04 deplored one inuit a woman was overheard to say
334. 44:10 in a righteous tone i never think another woman complained of a third woman because she was trying to make her thing and this way shorten her life
335. 44:22 even in modern america thinking is suspect it is something done by the idly curious
336. 44:29 or by discontented people it is subversive of established values it undermines
337. 44:35 communal coherence and promotes individualism there is an element of truth in all these
338. 44:42 accusations says the author in an updike novel a working class father
339. 44:49 thinks about his son reading it makes him feel cut off from his son
340. 44:56 the father says he doesn’t know why it makes him nervous to see the kid read like he’s plotting something they say you should encourage reading
341. 45:07 but they never tell you why the author again to remind you i’m
342. 45:13 reading from a reading from escapism escapism a book by ishu
343. 45:19 yi foot one so if one says i have chosen the words
344. 45:25 isolation and indifference to capture a fundamental human experience
345. 45:31 other people may choose other words or concepts one of the most common is chaos which invokes the ultimate in
346. 45:38 disconnectedness isolation and indifference even as the navajo father uses a string game
347. 45:45 to show his children how human fate is tied to the constellations he feels and fears the undertow of chaos likewise
348. 45:58 an
349. 46:04 um says the same when the danish explorer knew the
350. 46:10 rasmussen tried to get awa this igloo eskimo to articulate a coherent philosophy
351. 46:18 auwa replied that it cannot be done moreover it is presumptuous to do so
352. 46:25 presumptuous and futile as to build elaborate material shelters and camps
353. 46:32 whatever people may say whatever they would like to believe they know through the shocks of
354. 46:38 experience that nature is indifferent and can be chaotic to hunt well and to live happily
355. 46:46 says our men must have calm weather why this constant succession of
356. 46:52 blizzards in other words why think thinking is a blizzard you need calm weather to hunt well and
357. 47:00 live happily and he says why must people be ill and suffer pain by thinking
358. 47:07 personal misfortune seems to be quite unrelated to good or bad behavior here is this old
359. 47:14 sister of mine cesaro as far as anyone can see she has done no evil she has lived through a
360. 47:20 long life and given birth to healthy children and now she must suffer before her days end
361. 47:27 why why you see says awa to rasmussen you are equally unable to give any
362. 47:34 reason when we ask you why life is as it is and so it must be
363. 47:40 in a world so full of uncertainty the igloo leak seek comfort in the rules they have
364. 47:46 inherited to quote awa again and what he says is remarkably similar to the navajo
365. 47:53 father we do not know how we cannot say why but we keep those rules in order in
366. 48:00 order that we may leave untroubled reflective individuals
367. 48:06 may be defined as those who suspect that the order and meaning they discern and strive hard to maintain a little more than a measure of their desperation
368. 48:17 awa was such an individual another also in igloo league was
369. 48:27 aspired to become a shaman but changed his mind during the period of training to his kinsmen he said that he was not good enough to the friendly outsider know
370. 48:39 he explained that the real reason was that he had come to doubt his master’s claims to reading the signs of nature and to establish contact with helpful spirits
371. 48:51 he saw such claims as lies and humbug well-meaning perhaps but manufactured to
372. 48:58 provide reassurance to timid people the anthropologist monica wilson
373. 49:04 asked the women of an african village why they set such store by their ceremonies when the ceremonies
374. 49:12 are so important and they answered what
375. 49:18 and she asked them was it because they exerted real power over the external world these ceremonies their answer was always
376. 49:26 the same such ceremonies were conducted for inward rather than outward effect they served
377. 49:33 to stop people from going mad i’m reminded of
378. 49:39 says the author i’m reminded of wh odin’s gloomy porn death’s echo
379. 49:46 in which he says echoing the ancient greeks that not to be born may well be the best but there is always
380. 49:53 a second best which is formal order the dance the dancers pattern to make some sense
381. 50:00 of life to prevent ourselves from going mad we have one ready means of escape and that is to
382. 50:07 dance while we can an iron handkerchiefs could lead to madness writes iris
383. 50:15 murdoch people must opt for order somewhere down the line
384. 50:21 a touching confession of helplessness before the world’s bewildering complexity comes from the distinguished
385. 50:27 anthropologist claude levistraus he has been accused of reductionism of suggesting that structural analysis has the power to illuminate human experience and social reality le vista house
386. 50:40 denies this as outrageous the possibility he says has never occurred to me
387. 50:46 on the contrary it seems to me that social life and the empirical realities surrounding it unfold mostly at random as le vistraus picturesquely puts it disorder reigns
388. 51:00 in social life’s vast empiricals too he for his part chooses to study only
389. 51:08 its scattered small islands of organization moreover these islands refer not to what
390. 51:16 people do but to what they believe or say must be done
391. 51:22 this is a an extended except from escapism by he foot one and this is what the
392. 51:29 narcissist does he introduces chaos he introduces madness by forcing you to think by forcing you to reflect by forcing you
393. 51:40 to doubt and question by introducing the unpredictable the incomprehensible the senseless and the cruel into your lives
394. 51:52 and this leads me to the last segment and that is the gamma male gamma male is borrowed from a
395. 52:00 typology known as the social sexual hierarchy produced by the far right activist vox
396. 52:07 day vlogs there was a pseudonym i think his real name was bill
397. 52:14 b-e-a-b-e-a-l-e according to him gamma males are intellectual highly romantic ideologically driven men who hold a low status position in the social
398. 52:26 dominance hierarchy though they desire to be leaders and are envious of the rank and privilege
399. 52:32 that comes naturally to alphas and betters this is one definition and there is a
400. 52:38 list of attributes or traits of the government the highly intelligent the kind and empathetic their hopeless romantics they believe that the depth of their love should hold value to the women they pedestalize they struggle to succeed
401. 52:53 on the dating marketplace they adopt secret king delusions of grandeur they they are
402. 53:00 conflict avoidant they are failure avoidant they lie to themselves they fail to understand women it’s a
403. 53:07 good description of the cerebral narcissism actually and here is another definition from the
404. 53:13 from urban dictionary of the government the gamma male is a person who rejects status and authority believing that
405. 53:21 thinking for oneself is possible and desirable and valuing fraud freedom the most the orientation puts gamma
406. 53:28 males at odds with most people in society so gammas tend to be perceived as outsiders but outsider
407. 53:36 status may or may not be important to their identity gammas tend to be comfortable alone but
408. 53:43 they have material sexual and social needs like everybody else their attitudes towards society tend to
409. 53:50 alternate between disdain for the herd the betters and their cattle ranchers the alphas
410. 53:58 and a struggle to just accept people as they are and give up bitterness often they find a small group
411. 54:05 of other gammas and proud battles to hang out with in relations with strong alphas the
412. 54:12 outcome is usually mutual dislike that sometimes develops into grudging respect in sexual relationships
413. 54:19 they can be clingy towards the few people they can relate to use those they don’t respect
414. 54:25 or be very detached if they have found happiness in their personal pursuits socially gammas are usually nice but they can turn vicious if their personal space is threatened
415. 54:37 they reject prevailing morality and can be extremely cynical and manipulative or else find their own way often
416. 54:44 drifting towards quasi-quasi but histic worldview gammas tend to derive satisfaction from
417. 54:51 their private sense of all beauty and mystery rather than social acceptance of material things the ability to find
418. 54:58 satisfaction in these things is often what keeps them going while being misfits in society and that’s a good description
419. 55:06 of the schizoid narcissist so schizoid cerebral narcissists are probably what these people call
420. 55:12 gamma males chamomiles is not a clinical entity nor is it accepted in academia but it’s an interesting classificatory
421. 55:21 system and gamma males correspond very closely to schizoid cerebral narcissism i hope you enjoyed the tour
422. 55:28 and the wackening horror show and i invite you to the next episode if you’re still alive