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1. 00:02 narcissists use two strategies two behavioral patterns in order to manipulate people to do their bidding they either please people cater to their needs act as best friends loving compassionate empathic it’s all of course a fake Fain simulation but it’s
2. 00:27 still people pleasing Behavior emulates real people pleases or they terrorize people today we’re going to focus on people pleasing now just to make clear the majority of people Pleasers are not narcissists they’re not and yet all people pleases narcissist or not are
3. 00:51 easy to manipulate it’s easy to get them to do what you want them to do it’s not that they are Gible it’s not that they are Anish but they are driven they’re driven by the need by the need to satisfy gratify and please others and so this is the topic of
4. 01:14 today’s video three steps to manipulate a people pleaser as evil a title as I could come up with and a propo evil my name is s vaknin and I’m the author of malignant self love n narcissism Revisited the first book ever on narcissistic abuse and a professor of
5. 01:36 Clinical Psychology which pleases me no
6. 01:42 end okay shim capim etc etc first I
7. 01:48 advise you to um realize that the video is divided in two parts the first part is a general introduction and the second part I go much deeper into the psychology of people pleases all in all it’s a pretty short video by my standards but still it would be
8. 02:07 perfectly okay if you were to watch only the first part it’s entirely up to you it’s important to realize or to understand that people pleasing is a phenomenon that involves grandiosity and catastrophizing why grandiosity people Pleasers are submissive people Pleasers
9. 02:28 are Meek the humble modest they’re there to serve so why use the word grandiosity because people pleas make the assumption that other people are going to be devastated that other people are going to be harmed that the well-being of other people is going to be compromised if the
10. 02:51 people pleaser were to say no if the people pleaser were to deny his or her Services something bad would happen to the recipients so there is this grandiosity this hidden message or hidden assumption that you as a people pleaser you hold the well-being the
11. 03:14 internal regulation the moods and the emotions of other people in your hands you’re in charge you’re in charge of other people being happy you’re in charge of other people’s happiness now that’s as grandiosa statement as I’ve ever heard and the people C’s message is I am that
12. 03:37 important to other people’s lives I am that crucial to other people’s well-being that I really must perform I must do my bit I must contribute I must please so this is the grandiosity part the second part has to do with catastrophizing again there’s a in ult hidden message hidden
13. 04:03 assumption and that is the people Pleasers tells himself or herself if I were to say no there would be disastrous consequences to me especially emotionally but maybe also in other ways I may end up making enemies and there will be disastrous consequences to
14. 04:26 others who could have benefited from my actions choices and decisions so this assumption this underlying assumption that where the people pleaser seese to be a people pleaser where the people pleaser stop pleasing other people some disastrous cataclysmic
15. 04:46 apocalyptic consequences would follow this is of course catastrophizing a cognitive distortion grandiosity is also cognitive distortion so we can generalize and say that the people pleaser pleaser mind is cognitively distorted the reality testing of a
16. 05:07 people pleaser is all shot impaired he doesn’t or she doesn’t grasp reality appropriately the people pleaser grasps reality or Peres reality in a way that elevates the people pleaser into a position of power on the one hand and by doing so renders the people pleaser
17. 05:34 responsible for other people’s happiness other people’s well-being other people’s gratification and other people’s accomplishments this is where the people pleaser positions himself or herself it’s a choice actually it’s a choice that’s emotionally
18. 05:56 gratifying anxiety reducing and self
19. 06:03 aggrandizing there are automatic thoughts at the core of the people pleaser people pleasing involves what is known in cognitive behavior therapy as ants automatic thoughts not necessarily negative most people Pleasers have been parentified as
20. 06:23 children when they were young they were forced to act in the role of a parent even to their own parents they fathered the father they mothered the mother they were the adults in the room as children they were never allow allowed to experience childhood they were never they were
21. 06:44 never inducted into a trajectory of healthy self-growth and self-development they were playing a role from the very Inception of life people pleasing therefore is a role playing thing has to do with role playing and role Theory but these automatic thoughts which are at
22. 07:05 the core of people pleasing among especially among parentifying children are the following number one my happiness is always at someone else’s expense it’s a zero sum game if I’m happy that’s because I’ve made someone else unhappy or it’s because I could have made someone else
23. 07:26 happy and did not number two I have to earn my happiness I don’t deserve it I have to work hard I have to justify any gratification any gift any re receiving any whenever I take something whenever I seek to be happy or content I have to work hard to justify
24. 07:53 this I don’t deserve this automatically it’s because maybe I’m not Ling or maybe because I’m a failure making other people happy or maybe because my destiny and my mission in life is to make other people happy and any minute that I spend on myself is a der elction of
25. 08:16 Duty whatever the reason may be there is this self-perception that happiness is not out there for the taking but has to be somehow gained somehow earned number three I have to somehow bribe people to stay with me collaborate with me help me and tolerate
26. 08:38 me because I’m not lovable or because I’m a freak or because I’m a difficult person or because I’m unique even positively unique but in any case I’m an exception I’m an outlier and therefore I should be treated as an outcast and so when people agree to be with me
27. 09:02 spend time with me when they agree to socialize with me let alone become friends or in a couple when they agree to work with me help me I should be grateful I should be grateful and I should demonstrate my gratitude by giving them something it could be
28. 09:22 something tangible a material possession it could be my time it could be my resources and energy it could be something self-sacrificial denying myself happiness and gratification in order to bring it on in the people who share my life I am a bad object says the people
29. 09:45 pleaser I’m unworthy I’m unlovable I’m crazy I’m inadequate I’m dissolute I’m hopeless I’m irredeemable and so on so forth number four I need to compromise on my boundaries and rights owing to all the above because I’m such a difficult person to be with because the experience
30. 10:07 of being with me the experience of helping me the experience of loving me is so honorous and so unrewarding I have to give up on my boundaries I have to compromise on my rights I have to be easygoing I have to accept I have to be submissive why all that in order to somehow
31. 10:35 mitigate somehow mitigate the difficulty of being with me if I were to be unbounded if I were to not insist on what’s mine and what I’m owed maybe this would allow people in my life to remain in my life and to not abandon me or reject me now having taken all the taken all
32. 10:58 this in mind you could see how easy it is to manipulate people Pleasers the main motivation of a people pleaser would be to please you of course so here are the three steps to manipulating people Pleasers all you have to do is this number one communicate your
33. 11:20 expectations either overtly explicitly and verbally or behaviorally with body language micro expressions and so on either way make clear and make sure that the people pleaser has understood what is expected of him or her your expectations become the rule
34. 11:44 your expectations Rule and so they must be gratified they must be met and they must be actualized number two communicate pleasure when your expectations are met but don’t overdo it always leave place for more render the process inexorable unattainable be
35. 12:11 pleased demonstrate that you’re happy and content and gratified but do it in a way that SES doubt in the people Pleasers mind whether he or she have done enough for you number three community at profound
36. 12:32 unmitigated disappointment even heartbreak when the people pleaser fails to meet your expectations whenever there’s a gap between what you wanted what you have wanted the people pleaser to do and what the people pleaser opted to do at the at the end whenever there’s such a gap
37. 12:55 communicate to the people pleaser that you’re so so so devastated you are so sad you’re so sorry you’re so angry you’re so heartbroken even that maybe just maybe you’re on the verge of abandoning the people pleaser and rejecting the whole relationship do do these three things
38. 13:20 with the people pleaser and you will have found a lifelong servant not to say slave catering permanently to all your needs selflessly self- sacrificially and without complaint that is the popular part now onto the psychodynamics and psychology of people pleases a little more in
39. 13:57 depth yes I’m alive I survived the Trump video you didn’t get to me you’re going to make more videos my name is sakin I the author of malignant self love narcissism Revisited the Bible of narcissism the book that coined all the language in use today I’m
40. 14:21 also a professor of psychology two days ago I released a video about the way constru s reshape reality uh reframe your memories in order to uphold and to butress and to support a specific self state which is responsive to environmental cues now
41. 14:45 this was a mouthful so I’ll remind you self State the environment sends you stimuli the environment provides information and data a specific self state is selected the self State activates a construct the construct interfaces with reality gathers the
42. 15:06 information filters it reframes it in order to conform to the self State and then the construct also uh changes your memory it kind of represses some memories emphasizes other memories creates select a selective memory environment so it Alters it Alters the perception of
43. 15:32 reality it Alters your memories and then it induces in you behaviors that tend to uphold the self State this is done via introjects the introjects are internal voices in your head that send out a stream of automatic thoughts the constructs activate trigger specific
44. 15:56 injects then the automatic thoughts shape your behavior and you create in the environment you create you generate specific outcomes uh your behavior has consequences and these outcomes or Consequences tend to support to uphold to prove right the self- state and its
45. 16:21 Associated constellation of constructs I recommend that you watch that video there’s a lot more there it’s a one hour video one of my shortest but many of you have written to me to ask can you give me can you give us an example can you give us an example
46. 16:39 of how this works in reality so today I’m going to do exactly this you are warned today I’m going to discuss how this mechanism works with people Pleasers and with children uh adults who had been parentified as children and so these people have specific automatic thoughts these
47. 17:07 automatic thoughts are at the core of the identity of people Pleasers and formally parentified children what are these automatic thoughts well here they are number one my happiness is always at someone else’s expense I call it the Zero Sum Auto IC thought if you’re happy
48. 17:31 someone else is unhappy your happiness is someone else’s sacrifice your contentment your joy your cheer is someone else’s distress or burden so there’s a zero sum game if you love people if you like people if you want to please people if you feel that
49. 17:55 you are someone’s mother or someone’s daddy figure you are going to withhold your happiness you’re going to suppress your joy and cheer and contentment in order not to inflict undue burdens sacrifices and unhappiness on your nearest and dearest that is automatic
50. 18:19 thought number one and it comes from an inject or a group of injects possibly for example a harsh critical mother or a withholding absent mother or a selfish essentially dead mother mentally okay the second automatic thought at the core of people pleasing
51. 18:40 and formally parentified children is I have to earn my happiness I don’t deserve happiness I have to work hard for it I have to justify it I have to demonstrate that uh happiness um is due is my due happiness is not an ambient thing happiness is not something that everyone
52. 19:05 around me should strive to provide me for happiness is not something I should pursue because if I pursue happiness it is at someone else’s expense happiness is hard work so these people identify happiness with tasks with assignments with labor the more the busier they are the
53. 19:28 more more difficult life is the more honorous the tasks the more they have to do the the happier they feel because surely having invested so much work happiness is coming to me so um these people would tend to become for example Workaholics they would tend
54. 19:51 to develop addictions a variety of addictions addiction is perceived by the adct as work you ask any Mony and he will tell you how much work there is in securing the drug and then using the drug and so on so forth addiction involves ceremonies routines addiction
55. 20:08 creates a social circle around the addict so addiction is an organizing principle a life structuring affirmation at these people people Pleasers formally parentified children they tend to become addicts because the addiction is perceived as labor hard labor
56. 20:29 and toil is the prerequisite and the an antecedent of Happiness there’s no happiness without toil it’s a little like in the Bible you know when Adam and Eve were expelled from the Garden of Eden God promised them a life of toil uh compensated for by giving giving birth to
57. 20:54 Children okay happiness including childbearing and child rearing um you have to work for it you have to earn it and deserve it number three automatic thought number three somehow I have to bribe people I have to Pride people around me I have to somehow corrupt them by
58. 21:20 offering them something I have to compensate them for being with me I have to bribe people to Stay With Me I have to bribe people to collaborate with me I have to coopt people to help me I have to make sure that people tolerate me because I give them something in
59. 21:40 return and I need to do all this because I’m a bad object I’m unworthy I’m unlovable I’m crazy I’m inadequate I’m dissolute I’m hopeless and so on and so forth I am so I am such um bad deal I’m such a delinquent proposition that for people to do to
60. 22:07 have anything to do with me they somehow must be given something in return must be compensated so this is the third automatic negative automatic thought and the fourth automatic thought is I need to compromise life is a compromise I need to compromise on my boundaries is I need
61. 22:29 to give up my rise I need to do all this because of the previous three automatic thoughts I’m unworthy my happiness is always at the expense of someone and I have to earn my happiness so I need to give up on boundaries on rights on demands on
62. 22:48 expectations I can’t force myself on the environment I need to minimize myself I need to minimize myself to the point of Vanishing I need to be an apparition I need to become a function I can’t be a full-fledged human being because I’m a full if a full-fledged
63. 23:09 human being this in itself is a burden on other people this in itself is an requires an exertion of other people just to accept me I’m in exorable I’m a plague and a Devastation I need to keep myself hidden occult in a
64. 23:34 way these are the automatic thoughts at the core of people pleasing at the core of formerly parentified children and these automatic thoughts pervade all areas of life all types of functioning all acts all decisions and choices all cognitions and all emotions
65. 23:58 in sex for example someone with this mindset would allow her partner to do anything to her even a casual partner even a total stranger she would have no boundaries she would let him anything do anything he pleases she would not dare say no because in her mind she has no
66. 24:20 right to say no if she said if she were to say no she would make the partner angry justifiably she would deserve punishment because she’s a bad object so she would succumb to unwanted sex with an un undesirable partner because that’s just the way it is she doesn’t deserve
67. 24:42 any better she has no rights she doesn’t have even the right to impose a boundary it’s nice of him to just be with her and give her some attention and this is in sex in the family such a person would be a doormat she would cater to the needs of others
68. 25:01 to the point of self Deion and utter exhaustion she would sacrifice her health physical and mental just to guarantee Harmony Consensus These people are conflict averse these automatic thoughts are coopted by the constructs the constructs Within These people the construct
69. 25:26 inherent inherent in these people they activate they trigger specific injects for example the harsh harsh mommy inject or the rejecting absent daddy inject Or the critical teacher inject so the the constructs in these people constructs within these people
70. 25:51 they would trigger specific introjects and these introjects will spew out will generate the afor mentioned four automatic thoughts so the constructs activate the introjects the introjects begin to generate automatic thoughts your happiness is at someone
71. 26:16 else’s expense you have to earn your happiness you don’t deserve it you have to Bri bribe people to stay with you collaborate with you help you or tolerate you and you need to compromise on your boundaries and rights these are the automatic thoughts the constructs
72. 26:32 latch onto these automatic thoughts appropriate them snatch them and they use them to manipulate the environment the behavior I’m sorry they use these automatic thoughts generated by the injects the constructs use them to manipulate or affect the behaviors of the p pleasa and the
73. 26:57 formally parentified child people pleasing and formally parentified child these are the self States so the people pleaser has a people pleasing self States self state which then uses a group of constructs
74. 27:20 which then activate specific injects which gen with which then generate the automatic thought which then affect the behaviors of the people pleaser and the formerly parentified child I hope it’s a bit clearer now you can apply it to every situation and
75. 27:41 every person you’ve ever met this is a universal Model A self-state responsive to to the environment self- State responsive to circumstances self- State responsive to other people this self State selects constructs constructs are ways of organizing the
76. 28:03 world constructs are ways of IMU the world with sense and meaning interpreting the world explaining what’s happening so the constructs falsify memory reframe memory and they also suppress lots of information information that conflicts with the self State challenges the self
77. 28:27 state will be filtered out the construct is like a membrane and then these constructs would affect your behavior affect the behavior of these people to conform to the self- state they do this by activating injects and flooding the subject flooding the person with automatic
78. 28:51 thoughts automatic thoughts affect Behavior Behavior affects reality reality conforms to the self State everyone is happy there’s no dissonance no conflict no anxiety this is how things work so next time you come across a people pleaser next time you come
79. 29:09 across a promiscuous person who can’t say no next time you come across someone who has been parentified as a child and insist on being your mother or your father because that’s the only thing they know how to how to do next time you come across these people realize that
80. 29:27 these are self States they have other self States when they are in the people pleasing self State the promiscuous never say no self State the um um
81. 29:41 parentifying self- State when they are in these self States they have specific constructs inside that activate specific injects that flood them with automatic thoughts that they cannot resist these automatic thoughts are like programming like algorithms at that moment the self
82. 30:03 State takes over and the person becomes a puppet a machine a robot a
83. 30:13 computer we spend most of our lives in this automatic state which is why many philosophers and psychologists and neuroscientists doubt the existence of free will I have a video dedicated to this be forgiving because people know not know not what they’re doing