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1. 00:01 my name is Sam vne I’m the author of malignant s flab narcissism Revisited it is important to understand the world of the narcissist his inner landscape his mind the narcissist lives in a fantasized world of ideal beauty incomparable albe it imaginary
2. 00:23 achievements wealth Brilliance and unmitigated success the narcissist denies his reality constantly this is what I call the grandiosity Gap the abyss between the narcissist sense of entitlement grounded in his inflated grandio fantasies on the one hand and his
3. 00:43 incommensurate reality and meager accomplishments in the real world on the other hand so this is the gap The Narcissist partner is perceived by The Narcissist to be merely a source of narcissistic Supply an instrument extension of himself a way a path to
4. 01:04 gratification it is inconceivable in the mind of the narcissist that blessed by the constant presence of himself such a tool such an object would malfunction the needs and grievances of the partner are perceived by The Narcissist as threats and slights the narcissist considers his
5. 01:28 very presence in the relation ship is nourishing sustaining as a gift he feels entitled to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining his relationships or in catering to the well-being needs wishes priorities and preferences of his
6. 01:47 suppliers to rid himself of deep set feelings of rather Justified guil and shame guilt and shame The Narcissist pathologizes the partner devalues her The Narcissist projects his own mental illness onto the partner through the intricate mechanisms of projection and
7. 02:09 projective identification The Narcissist forces his intimate partner to play an emergent role of a sick person a weak person in need of protection a naive person in need of an in need of Enlightenment or even a dumb or no good person what’s the narcissist denies in
8. 02:30 himself his own weakness his own gullibility his own fallibility and his own sometimes stupidity that which he denies in himself that which he is loathed to face in his own personality character traits and behaviors these very things The Narcissist attributes to others and
9. 02:48 molds these other people especially his intimate partner his spouse his mate molds them to conform to his prejudices against actually himself The Narcissist believes that he must have only the best the most glamorous stunning beautiful talented head turning
10. 03:10 mindboggling spouse in the entire universe nothing short of this fantasy will do to compensate for the shortcomings of his real life spouse he invents an idealized figure and relates to this figure instead of the real spouse then when reality inevitably
11. 03:29 conflicts too often and too evidently with this figment of of his imagination with this idealization The Narcissist reverts to devaluation his behavior turns on a dime and becomes threatening demeaning contemptuous erating reprimanding instructively critical and
12. 03:48 sadistic or called loving detached and clinical The Narcissist punishes his real life spouse for not living up to his fantasy for for refusing to be his Gala uh his pigmon his ideal Creation The Narcissist plays a wrathful and demeaning God and demanding God he’s a
13. 04:13 Divinity how can you cope with such with such an utterly utterly confounded person such a twisted personality well the best you can do is move on to preserve your mental health you must abandon the narcissist you must move on you must let go moving on is a process
14. 04:35 it’s not a decision or an event or not merely a decision or an event first one has to acknowledge and accept painful reality such acceptance is a volcanic shattering agonizing series of nibbling thoughts and strong resistances once you have won the battle
15. 04:51 against yourself or with yourself and once harsh and agonizing realities are assimilated once you have insight into to the fact that your partner is mentally ill and is dragging you down with him only then you can move on um to what I call the Learning phase the learning
16. 05:10 phase you educate yourself you compare experiences with others you digest what you have learned you have insights multiple then you decide then you act and this this is the Crux of moving on having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance having garnered knowledge support and
17. 05:32 confidence you face the battlefields of your relationship fortified and nurtured not depleted this stage characterizes those who do not Mo mourn do not grieve but fight do not um dream about how it used to be but replenish the self-esteem do
18. 05:51 not hide but seek do not freeze but move on mind you grieving and mourning is an inevitable and integral part of this process I’m not saying that you should not grieve and mourn at the very least the dream you have had of having a relationship with the narcissist but it
19. 06:10 should be contained and constrained and put in perspective and in its place having been betrayed and abused you grief you grief for the image you have had of the traitor and the abuser the image that was so fleeting and so wrong and so attractive and so fet
20. 06:29 the image that made you enter the relationship you mourn the damage that the narcissist has done to you you experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again and you grieve this loss as well in one stroke you have lost someone you have trusted or even
21. 06:47 loved you have lost your trusting and loving self and you have lost the trust and love that you have felt and perhaps the ability to trust and love can anything be worse I doubt it the emotional process of grieving has many phases though at first you
22. 07:05 dumfounded shocked inert immobile you play dead to avoid your inner monsters you are rified in your pain you are cast in the mold of your reticence and fear and then out of the blue you feel enraged indignant rebellious and hateful having passed this stage of
23. 07:27 futile aggression you accept you accept reality for what it is and then you cry and then some of you learn to forgive and to pity and this is what I call Healing all the stages of mourning and grieving are absolutely necessary and good for you it is bad not to rage back
24. 07:48 not to shame those who shamed you to deny to pretend to evade these are counterproductive strategies but it is equally bad to get fixated on your your rage to remain stuck in this phase permanent grieving is the perpetuation of your abuse by other means and by
25. 08:09 yourselves by endlessly recreating your Haring experiences you unwillingly collaborate with your abuser in perpetuating his or her evil conduct It Is by moving on that you defeat your abuser minimize him and his importance in your life it is by loving and by trusting a new
26. 08:29 that you anal that which was done to you to forgive is never to forget but to remember is not necessarily to obsessively re-experience so what about forgiving and forgetting forgiving is an important capability it does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven but it should not
27. 08:53 be a universal indiscriminate Behavior it is legitimate not to forgive sometimes it depends of course on the severity or duration of what was done to you in general it is unwise and counterproductive to apply to life Universal and immutable principles life
28. 09:10 is too chaotic to succumb to rigid edicts sentences which start with words like I never or you should always are not very credible and often lead to self-defeating self-restricting self-destructive behaviors conflicts are an important and integral part of life
29. 09:29 one should never seek them out but when confronted with a conflict one should never avoid it it is through conflicts and adversity as much as through care and love that we grow human relationships are Dynamic we must assess our friendships Partnerships and our marriages
30. 09:48 periodically in and by itself a common past is insufficient to sustain a healthy nurturing nourishing supportive caring and compassionate relationship it’s not enough memory is not enough to sustain such a thing common memories are necessary but not a sufficient condition
31. 10:07 we must gain and regain our friendships our trust on a daily basis human relationships are a constant test of Allegiance and empathy so finally can’t you remain friends with the narcissist divorce him if you must but why not have him as a friend can’t you AC see IED can’t you
32. 10:30 remain on friendly terms with your ex the answer is no I’ll try to explain why never forget that the narcissist at least full-fledged one is nice and friendly when and only whenn he wants something from you narcissistic Supply help support votes money narcissist
33. 10:52 prepare the ground manipulate you and then come out with a small favor they need to ask you and um if they fail in being subtle they blatantly or surreptitiously demand narcissistic Supply so they would go like what do you think about my performance so do you
34. 11:13 think that I really deserve the Noel Prize or something like that whatever it is when the narcissist re-enters your life or enters your life he is in it for the profit motive he needs something number two don’t forget that narcissists feel threatened and they
35. 11:33 want to neuter neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries and what is a threat intimacy true F true friendship compassion and empathy narcissists sometimes try to get close to you or to remain friends with you because they have just been infused with
36. 11:54 an overdose of narcissistic Supply and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal imp perfect I want to share it with you to show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one’s impeccable Divine credentials to be an altruist to be charitable to be helpful is also to be
37. 12:12 omnipotent and Godlike you are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle a mere receptacle of the narcissist overflowing self-contented infatuation with his false self with himself this sudden beneficence this sudden magnanimity is transient Perpetual victims often tend
38. 12:38 to thank the narcissist for little Graces this is the Stockholm syndrome hostages tend to emotionally identify with their captives rather than with the police we’re grateful to our abusers and tormentors for seizing their hies activities and allowing us to catch our
39. 12:56 breath some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists to cater to their needs and to succumb to their winds because this is the way they have been conditioned to in early childhood it is only with narcissists that they feel alive stimulated and excited the
40. 13:11 world glows in Technicolor in the presence of a narcissist and decays into sepia colors in the absence of a narcissist I see nothing inherent inherently wrong with such an approach the test is this if someone were to constantly humiliate an abuse you
41. 13:29 verbally using archaic Chinese would you have felt humiliated and abused probably not you don’t understand archaic Chinese well it’s the same with inverted narcissists or codependents they have been conditioned by narcissistic primary objects like parents caregivers they’ve been
42. 13:51 conditioned to treat narcissistic abuse as we treat archaic Chinese in other words to turn a deaf ear they don’t hear the abuse they don’t understand it this technique is effective in that it allows the inverted narcissist The Narcissist willing mate
43. 14:08 to experience Only the Good aspects of living with a narcissist The Narcissist sparkling intelligence is constant drama and excitement the lack of intimacy and emotional attachment which many people prefer every now and then the narcissist does break into abusive behaviors but
44. 14:26 this to the inverted narcissist is archaic Chinese so what who understands archaic Chinese anyhow says the inverted narcissist to herself still even with all this rational hyper structure of why the inverted narcissist should and can and would love to stay with the narcissist I
45. 14:47 have one neing doubt if the relationship with the narcissist is so rewarding why are inverted nisses those I have come across so unhappy why are they so ego this toying why are they in in such a deep need for help professional otherwise why do they flood internet support
46. 15:08 fors aren’t they aren’t inverted narcissists me simply victims who experience the Stockholm syndrome who identify with their kidnapper rather than with the police aren’t they merely hostages who deny their own torment I tend to believe so no one
47. 15:29 should stay with a narcissist and no story you tell yourself about why you are staying with the narcissist can stand any litmos test be honest with yourselves and love yourselves by denying The Narcissist what he seeks what he seeks is the pleasure of your destruction