Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video.

1. 00:02 one of the self-styled experts who constantly plagiarizes my work once asked me can you summarize a narcissist life in under 30 seconds I took it as a challenge to my grandiosity and I answered yes and here we go the narcissist is born as the cutest P pillon CTI
2. 00:31 he’s a baby and then he’s traumatized and abused by parental figures sometimes by peers or Role Models there are many forms of abuse remember spoiling pampering idolizing and pedestalize are also forms of abuse because they instrumentalize and objectify the child
3. 00:53 so many $10 words out goes the pil pillon and incomes the adult narcissist this is the adult narcissist he is happy gol lucky he believes himself to be Godlike and he looks for an intimate partner someone to entrain which is a fancy word for brainwashing
4. 01:16 someone to entrain and to convert her into a figment of his shared fantasy and this lasts for two three decades outgo these decades and this is the narcissist in his final years this is a cap which is intended to fend off reality as you see this narcissist can no longer see what’s
5. 01:43 happening around him he is deep into his mind the Shar fantasy took over he grows a very long white beard because that’s how God look looks like in Renaissance paintings and then he dies how did I do the naris his life in under 30 seconds but in under two minutes actually but uh
6. 02:15 today we’re going to discuss something that keeps recurring in the narcissist life early late and final stages and this is frustration aggression now to remind you there was a guy named Dollard who in 1933 proposed the frustration aggression hypothesis which says simply that when
7. 02:37 you’re frustrated you would tend to convert your frustration into aggression as we say today da D okay the narcissist handles frustration very differently unlike healthy people as far as narcissist is concerned any frustration is perceived as narcissistic injury
8. 03:00 and if the narcissist were to be frustrated in public that would constitute narcissistic modification the narcissist definition of frustration is also unusual it is any attempt to disagree with the narcissist criticize him confront him limit his
9. 03:21 desires and urges not succumb to his wishes not cater to his needs say no to him or even possess boundaries if you’re independent if you’re autonomous if you’re agentic if you’re boundar you cause the narcissist frustration and he perceives it as a malevolent form of
10. 03:46 opposition kind of narcissistic injury inflicted on purpose you are torturing him and this FR perception of frustration is narcissistic injury and multi ification creates a lot of apprehension in the narcissist the narcissist is terrified of being
11. 04:08 frustrated he anticipates frustration he catastrophizes it and this generates in him intolerable anxiety and stress when the narcissist is is exposed to mounting amounts of anxiety and stress he decompensates in other words all his defenses shut down including the
12. 04:30 infantile primitive defenses and especially the false self he becomes denuded of his defenses skinless defenseless and clinically speaking The Narcissist becomes a borderline he switches in my work he switches to a borderline self- State and he emotionally deregulates and
13. 04:57 even acts out exactly as a borderline does so when you see an narcissist frustrated anxious rageful um opposed confronted and and denied you see a narcissist who is fast becoming a borderline he would lash out he would throw temper and FRS he would
14. 05:21 emotionally disregulated he would feel swamped by his own negative affectivity anger Envy hatred even and so on and this could push the narcissist exactly as it does the borderline it could push the narcissist to become a secondary um psychopath a psychopath actually the
15. 05:43 borderline becomes a secondary psychopath because she possesses empathy and access to positive emotions The Narcissist becomes a primary psychopath so let me clarify this because I’ve I misspoke a minute ago when the narcissist is is faced with
16. 06:00 Stress and Anxiety and frustration The Narcissist transitions sometimes depending on the extent The Narcissist transitions sometimes into a borderline State his defenses shut down and he emotionally dysregulates if the condition if the environment the
17. 06:15 frustrating environment persists The Narcissist transitions to a primary Psychopathic State he becomes a psychopath the borderline transitions to a secondary Psychopathic state so both the borderline and the narcissist they have low frustration threshold low
18. 06:32 tolerance for frustration and this leads the narcissis to desperate attempts to eliminate the source of frustration in the case of the nesis frustration does breed aggression but in healthy people the aggression is intended to Signal displeasure discomfort and modify the
19. 06:56 other party’s behavior when you frustrated and if you’re mentally healthy relatively speaking your aggression would be intended to change the behavior of the person who is frustrating you or to modify the environment in a way which would reduce reduce frustration it’s not the case
20. 07:15 with a narcissist The Narcissist aggression is externalized it’s Reckless it often culminates in verbal or physical violence and this is the process known as coercive snap short The Narcissist aggression is intended to try to force you to conform to his expectations of
21. 07:36 you to try to force you to coales with to merge with with the internal object in his mind that represents you he wants you the narcissist wants you to stop existing outside his mind and to fuse symbiotically with the object in his mind that represents you in this way of
22. 08:01 course to eliminate the frustration and if you refuse if you refuse to shut up if you refuse to succumb if you refuse to be submissive if you refuse to be obedient if you insist on your Independence and personal autonomy and agency and self-efficacy if you walk
23. 08:18 away if you in any of these cases The Narcissist would try to act in a way
24. 08:27 that would either eradicate you or obliterate you eliminate you annihilate you or coers you into behaving the way he wants to and this could culminate and escalate into physical violence definitely narcissists perceive perceive frustration as emanating from the
25. 08:48 inside you remember that um narcissists are incapable of um perceiving external objects they they are incapable of conceptualizing the separateness and the externality of objects so as far as the narcissist is concerned you don’t exist out there
26. 09:12 there’s no external object that is you there’s only the internal object inside his mind that represents you and he goes on interacting only with the internal object so if you frustrate the narcissist he doesn’t perceive it as coming from the outside he he misperceives it as coming
27. 09:35 from the inside and his aggression is actually an attempt to reduce dissonance and anxiety by somehow modifying you so that you again become a compliant internal object it’s an internal inside job it’s not nothing to do with the outside walking away
28. 09:59 one do the trick because narcissists interact exclusively with internal objects they dehumanize you and then they objectify you you become a figment you become an avatar an inject in the narcissist mind so the naris can’t just up and walk away so you’re frustrating
29. 10:19 me I’m going to I’m out of here I don’t want to be exposed to your frustration so I’m out of here he can’t do that because he carries you in his mind and you keep frustrating him from the inside unless and until he gets rid of you psychologically via entraining or
30. 10:41 brainwashing physically through violence or by coercing you to behave in a way which does not challenge undermine and contradict the internal object unless he accomplishes one of these three solutions the frustration the nagging frustration is going to persist because
31. 11:00 it emanates comes from the internal object in his mind that represents you your avatar is attacking him from the inside like some kind of Trojan horse or fifth column now I mentioned that the narcissist transitions to a borderline self State under conditions of extreme
32. 11:23 dur rest stress and tension and anxiety the borderline self state is impulsive and destructive that is the famous narcissistic rage attacks the temper tantrums they are actually a borderline sstate not a narcissistic sstate so more appropriately it wouldn’t be called
33. 11:43 narcissistic rage but borderline Rage or disregulated R coffee in the morning the psychopathic called state which in the narcissist is a primary Psychopathic self State the classic psychopath is called premeditated ruthless callous Relentless
34. 12:05 inhumanly dis empathic no empathy there both the borderline State and the psychopath the primary psychopath serve state are fantasy oriented because narcissism is a fantasy defense gun Haywire gun orai so everything is infused with fantasy even these self
35. 12:26 states are fantastic and they involve impaired reality testing but the psychopathic self state in the narcissist is truly terrifying think Chris wats it’s a truly terrifying State it’s preceded by a covert state so when the narcissist transitions under stress
36. 12:50 under anxiety as a result of frustration mortification extreme narcissitic injury when he transitions to a border borderline State and then from a borderline state to a psychopathic State he goes through a covert phase there’s a covert phase like a bridge between the
37. 13:07 borderline and the psychopathic State and during the covert phase he appears to be completely normal he suddenly becomes totally normal he doesn’t rage he’s not angry he is he seeks consensus
38. 13:26 he compromises he’s caring he may even be loving he is he is perfect he’s a perfect ideal partner he’s a bit ponderous a bit brooding a bit spiteful somewhat passive aggressive there’s there hints of sarcasm and bitterness he’s determined but he is
39. 13:50 evasive he denies that there’s any problem he’s overly polite pseudo civility is Pudo civil he’s affected he is ostentatiously obedient as I said or caring and so and throughout this throughout this act of normaly the mask of Sanity The Narcissist keeps Imagining
40. 14:16 the Final Act of your destruction it goes into detailed planning obtaining all the necessary tools and I’m not talking necessarily about physical violence it could be for example undermining or destroying your career it’s a kind of Revenge fantasy
41. 14:37 that doesn’t necessarily involve your physical disappearance but definitely involves inflicting enormous damage on you ruining you it could be for example traumatizing you in a way that you will never recover from and this is done sometimes very covertly sometimes very
42. 14:56 overtly and it’s very open to miss interpretation the victim often feels that she has had the upper hand or he has had the upper hand but that’s a mistake the trauma is there eating away at the in ards of the victim like some kind of parasite so all these Revenge
43. 15:15 fantasies require a covert phase where the narcissist hides and disguises his intentions his detailed planning his premeditation his white hot rage his extreme hatred his conversion of your idealized object into a persecutory object you become an enemy
44. 15:41 and his determination to destroy you to destroy you for good the borderline state is either sudden eruptive borderline State there’s a there’s calm um there’s no Calm before the storm water suddenly transitions into um a temper tum or begins to break
45. 16:04 objects or this kind of thing so this is the eruptive borderline self State and narcissists are famous for it these are the this is the famous narcissistic rage or temper Tums but there’s another option another possibility there’s a borderline um self
46. 16:24 state which is not eruptive does not Calm before the storm there just a transition to the storm but there’s another self State another variant of borderline self state where there is gradual escalation in the in this particular variant of the borderline self state of
47. 16:42 the narcissist The Narcissist uh wants to provoke a fight it attempts to prick you to needle you to provoke you to and this is projective identification he is spoiling for a fight is looking to create a situation or an environment which would accommodate his
48. 17:06 alloplastic defenses where he could blame you for for starting everything so this is more of a covert strategy and very typical of covert narcissist to summarize when the narcissist is either duress or stress or anxiety or tension humiliation injury
49. 17:24 mortification narcissist transitions to a borderline self state in the borderline self State he could become eruptive after a period of calm that is like the Calm before the storm or it could become escal escalatory could escalate it could create the
50. 17:44 preconditions for a fight where he would be where his misconduct would be legitimized by your reactive so-called abuse and then the most narcis is not all trans transition to the psychopathic self State and this is where the danger lies in the psychopathic self state it
51. 18:04 looks as if the conflict is over as if as if everything is back to normal as if you have nothing to worry about as if things have been resolved a cons consensus has been restored Peace Truth and ceasefire have been declared but all this time all this
52. 18:24 time the narcissist is planning his revenge his payback and your destruction he’s a great actor and he can deceive you into um a kind of complacency this is what happened with Hamas and Israel by the way okay now the narciss is alloplastic defenses alloplastic defenses to remind
53. 18:51 you is when you blame other people for your own behavior the consequences of your behavior you don’t accept them you reject them he said they made me do it I acted this way because I because I had no choice they discriminated against me they Abus me they attacked me I’m the
54. 19:07 victim this alloplastic defense The Narcissist alloplastic defenses justify The Narcissist aggression and even violence there is an external locus of control the narcissist attributes his motivations Mis Mis attributes his motivations to to the others to other
55. 19:25 people they he out sources his motivation he says you made me do it which is like saying you controlled me it’s an external locus of control and this aggravates the antisocial behaviors because anaris begins to perceive this whole thing as an issue of survival a
56. 19:46 question of survival if he doesn’t Prevail it’s going to be eradicated he’s going to die so he must win winning becomes the be all and end all and then if he fails to win he sinks in into an extreme depressive or dysphoric mood often accompanied by substance
57. 20:08 abuse and withdrawal or avoidance from reality um routines daily routines or professional routines are impeded and disrupted and so on so forth theis basically falls apart disintegrates and transitions gradually into a prepsychotic um stage I’ve discussed this in in other
58. 20:33 videos now narciss is often use verbal and psychological abuse and violence against those closest to them intimacy breeds abuse and aggression in the narcissist because it’s very threatening narcissists dread intimacy some narcissist move from abstract aggression
59. 20:54 the emotion leading to violence and permeating it to the physically concrete sphere of violence as they dehumanize and objectify even their nearest and dearest The Narcissist aggression shifts from inanimate objects I don’t know throwing cups of coffee breaking
60. 21:11 Furniture slashing tires your tires he moves from this to animate objects you people around them they don’t see any distinction between inanimate and animate objects you are just an object in the last is mine many narcissists don’t forget are also paranoid and vindictive
61. 21:32 that’s the really really dangerous type they aim to punish by tormenting they aim to destroy the source of frustration and pain they stalk they harass this is the kind of narcissist who end UPS ends up murdering people or doing away with families you know whole
62. 21:52 family there’s a typology of of Revenge here the need the urge to seek revenge on on wrongdoers and evildoers that’s that’s as ancient as Mankind and there’s an argument to be made that nothing is wrong with it it’s a deterrence and retaliations
63. 22:16 retaliation restores a sense of justice justice is important but people attempt to address in to address their grievances in three ways and it the narcissist gets the proportions wrong let me let me discuss this a bit let me elucidate this a bit the first
64. 22:39 way to to obtain revenge or to restore Justice which is the way I look at it Vim in in German is punitive moralistic
65. 22:51 the aim of this type of vengeance is to restore justice as I said and with it the victim’s view of the world as order L predictable structured and casual and causal so this kind of Revenge has to do with a victim not with a perpetrator the victim just wants to
66. 23:10 feel at home in the world again the victim just wants to feel that she will not become the arbitrary random capricious Target of someone perpetrators should be punished victims should be soothed and elevated and Society should publicly acknowledge
67. 23:30 who is who and meet out opum and Sor and Punishment respectively this is the punitive moralistic um attitude and this kind of Revenge um is healthy but like everything else in Psychology it has a malignant variant it tends to devolve in mentally
68. 23:52 ill people it tends to devolve into an obsession it becomes intrusive uncontrolled thoughts take over and then it becomes a compulsion an irresistible urge to behave in a way that is sometimes criminal or inconsistent with one’s values or even inconsistent with
69. 24:14 one’s true wishes incommensurate with one’s skills needs long-term interest capabilities were wi and so on so for it becomes in short of Revenge fantasy so this kind of Revenge the punitive moralistic Revenge if it is not checked by Society could become a crusade of
70. 24:35 Vengeance an individuals individuals Crusade of Vengeance and ruin the mental health of the victim as she becomes gradually a perpetrator of her own abuse and and even crimes this kind of vengeance is unhealthy and in the long term counterproductive
71. 24:58 as it taxes the victim’s time and resources especially mental resources it adversely affects her other relationships it renders her dysfunctional and ultimately it consumes her and she becomes insane period the second type of Revenge is narcissistic revenge vindictiveness is
72. 25:21 the narcissist way of restoring his self- imputed grandiosity and of recuperating from a narcissist injury as this is especially true in narcissistic mortification and it is known as the external solution I urge you to watch my narcissistic modification videos having fallen prey
73. 25:40 to malfis or to crime or to mistreatment or even to Mere confrontation or disagreement or criticism having come across someone who is boundary and independent and does not want to become refuses to become a an element in a shared fantasy an internal object The
74. 26:02 Narcissist um regards himself as having been victimized he begins to self chastise because inside the narcissist there is a bad object inside the narcissist there’s a coalition of voices that keeps telling him keeps informing him how inadequate
75. 26:22 he is how Gible how stupid how unworthy how ignorant and how helpless and so on so forth and he needs to silence these voices the only way to silence these voices is to prove them wrong by demonstrating omnipotence Godlike a Godlike quality you’re wrong I’m God I’m going to prove
76. 26:44 to you that I’m God because I’m I’m going to punish my abusers I’m going to punish the people who have victimized me this experience starts with a humiliation and the circumstance of victimhood contrast sharply with the narcissist inflated view of himself as
77. 27:02 om omnipotent omnicient brilliant shrewd perfect um and so on so forth invincible so by bringing the alleged of the perceived perpetrator or culprit to utter ruin the narcissist regains his grandio inflated fantastic sense of self or actually regains or reactivates his
78. 27:27 false self in short when the narcissist punishes someone he perceives as a perpetrator when he punishes someone who refus to comply with his demands refus to be submissive to him obedient when he punishes someone like that someone who has humiliated him in public or in
79. 27:49 private injured him mortified him when he punishes the source of this frustration and pain he reconstitutes and regains his the cognitive distortion of grandiosity he is again Godlike he restores his divinity so whenever you by the way engage in some kind of Revenge fantasy
80. 28:12 or even actions of Vengeance and and revenge ask yourself is your bruised ego is your grandiosity is your Nar narcissism the main reason for your indignation and spite and if it is try to separate the elements of your conduct that have to do with your Justified grievance and the
81. 28:34 elements of your conduct that revolve around your unhealthy narcissism avoid the latter and pursue the former whenever you have a grievance whenever you want to restore a sense of justice whenever you want to punish justly a perpetrator ask yourself what’s
82. 28:55 the extent of my revenge fantasy what’s the extent of my retribution my pursuit of the perpetrator have I gone over the line if I myself become a narcissist and a psychopath is it about restoring Justice and protecting others and so or is it about my own narcissistic sadistic
83. 29:16 Psychopathic gratification you’ll be surprised very often it’s the letter case and finally this prog mative restorative um Revenge with this type of Revenge the victim merely wishes to restore her fortunes and to reassert her rights in other words to revert the world to its earthw
84. 29:38 state by acting against her perpetrator or violator decide decisively and assertively the victim says I just want the world to be back as it used to be I just want to restore everything the way it used to be and this is essentially a healthy functional and just way of
85. 29:56 coping with the pain and damage wrought by other people’s malicious and Premed premeditated misbehavior reparations for example compensation victim compensation all these are forms of pragmatic restorative um Revenge a pragmatic restorative revenge
86. 30:18 is another name for justice it’s the only healthy type The Narcissist engages in the first two types punitive moralistic and narcissistic and almost never with the engages with the third type pragmatic pragmatic restorative healthy people engage in pragmatic
87. 30:40 restorative retribution or punishment and almost never with narcissistic or moralizing punitive kind of Revenge so this is the distinction between nisses and healthy people I hope this presentation has not been too aggressive and hadn’t hasn’t caused you
88. 31:02 narcissistic injury and mortification but if it has feel free to go after me in a punitive moralistic narcissistic or pragmatic restorative way you choose