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1. 00:01 in an interview I've given recently I explained that border lines do not love bomb the way narcissists do only narcissists love bomb border lines idealize this created a hail storm of objections and criticisms and personal attacks and vile comments and you name
2. 00:22 it and so on so forth and here I am today to disambiguate uh these concepts to explain the differences and they are massive between grooming lap bombing and idealization these are not the same things although looking from the outside they may appear
3. 00:42 to be identical because all of them involve a kind of laser focus on the target or the victim all of them involve the generation and engendering of an unrealistic view of the victim or the target as perfect and all of them involve what appears to be goal oriented
4. 01:02 or goal directed or goal focused set or patterns of behavior so a layman looking from the outside would say they're one and the same they're not and here I am to explain to you why and who am I my name is Sam Baknin i'm the author of Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited
5. 01:23 the first book ever on narcissistic abuse i'm also a professor of psychology so you better listen to me okay Shani here's a rule of thumb psychopaths groom narcissists love bomb and then idealize border lines idealize they go straight to idealization they do not go through
6. 01:53 they do not transition through a lovebombing phase let me repeat this because it's a very useful distinction when you come across grooming it involves a psychopath when someone love bombs you and then idealizes you it's probably a narcissist and when someone
7. 02:09 idealizes you from the get-go it's in all likelihood a borderline now grooming and lovebombing are conscious actions conscious activities the psychopath knows that he's grooming narcissist is fully aware of his lovebombing tactics and they all
8. 02:34 do this both of them do this in order to obtain a goal whereas idealization is an unconscious process totally automatic it is triggered and then it becomes an inexurable machinery the individual does not have control over the process of idealization the
9. 02:56 individual cannot say I'm going to stop this idealization from going forward so this is the first major difference whereas grooming and love bombing are motivated consciously driven activities and behaviors idealization just snaps into action is triggered unconsciously and takes
10. 03:19 over let's start with grooming grooming is a psychopathic behavior grooming is about the fostering of a bond the engendering of some kind of deep profound attachment the creation of
11. 03:38 some kind of an addiction in the animal kingdom grooming involves a behavior where animals peek through one another's hair or fur or feathers and grooming of other members of an animals group may serve both hygienic and social functions it's a social activity it enhances bonding
12. 04:03 between the members of a tribe or a clan or a group or a flock or whatever this is known as alo grooming aloe like A L L O grooming one word alo grooming according to the American Psychological Association dictionary is and I'm quoting a behavior that involves two or
13. 04:25 more nonhuman animals peeking through each other's fur hair or feathers often thought to have a solely hygienic function the removal of dirt or parasites but alo grooming has been shown to have positive social effects as well through production of endogenous
14. 04:48 opioids in recipients it is thus mechanism that reinforces social relationships and that's exactly what the psychopath does the psychopath grooms people sometimes um minors the psychopath grooms people in order to create extremely strong superglue bonding attachment that cannot be
15. 05:13 reversed form of addiction extreme addiction and then gaining control over the target of the grooming the psychopath can motivate the target the mark to do anything the psychopath wants so grooming is a control mechanism it's an activity intended to
16. 05:36 supplant or replace or substitute for the victim of the targets independent critical thinking and ability to gauge reality it involves frequently a kind of gaslighting lovebombing is very different to grooming love bombing like grooming is goal oriented but the goals are very
17. 06:01 different whereas in grooming the goal is obtaining control fostering bonding creating attachment and then manip manipulating the target of the mark to modify behaviors or to act in certain ways leveraging the bond leveraging the attachment emotionally blackmailing the
18. 06:21 target this is grooming lovebombing has a completely different set of goals love bombing to remind you is a strictly narcissistic behavior behavior of narcissist what are the goals of lovebombing number one to prepare the ground for the next phase of
19. 06:44 idealization number two to allow the narcissist to create an internal object which represents the external object represents the potential in the narcissist's mind so the narcissist spots and then auditions potential sources of narcissistic supply
20. 07:06 potential participants in the shared fantasy and having spotted them and having successfully auditioned them the narcissist now snapshots them introjects them creates an image an internal representation an avatar in his or her mind which then these internal object
21. 07:27 objects represent the external objects the real people so to prepare for this process of snapshotting this process of introjection this process of converting real life separate and external people into manipulable totally controllable internal objects to prepare for this the
22. 07:49 narcissist love bombs the third reason the third goal of love bombing is to constitute an audition to audition potentials to put them to test them in a way when the narcissist lovebombs a target he expects some kind of feedback some kind of input from the
23. 08:10 target for example the narcissist would love bomb a target and then would test whether the target finds him irresistible so there is a testing element testing function in love bombing it's a form of auditioning and finally one of the main goals of love bombing is to begin to
24. 08:33 establish a shared fantasy love bombing in this sense is a narrative an overarching piece of fiction that then later becomes a shared reality shared virtual reality of the narcissist and his victim love bombing therefore is not about you it's about the narcissist
25. 08:56 love bombing is the narcissist's attempt to test you make sure that you are the right material the right stuff that you fit into the shared fantasy that you would become a perfect unconditionally loving maternal figure that you would find him irresistible you
26. 09:14 would adore him adulate him that you would provide him with the three with the four S's sex supply services safety it's a testing phase at the same time the narcissist establishes a shared fantasy and converts you into intelle object it's all about
27. 09:30 himself the narcissist lovebombing is the narcissist talking to himself about you the narcissist trying to convince himself that you are the right one the narcissist is trying to fit you into a narrative and a shared fantasy the narcissist is trying to set the ground
28. 09:51 for your idealization it's a preparatory phase it's preparation love bombing that's why love bombing feels a bit unreal a bit fantastic love bombing feels too good to be true or exaggerated or hyperbolic or out there whenever you're exposed to love bombing
29. 10:14 there's always a sense of discomfort always a kind of suspicion or doubt that it's this whole thing is real always an element pronounced element of fantasy love bombing is not always a super pleasant experience and it should be clearly distinguished from idealization which is
30. 10:36 always a great experience so this is lovebombing it's about the narcissist it fulfills the narcissist internal demands it caters to the narcissist psychological needs and it sets in motion the inexurable machinery of the shared fantasy having done all
31. 10:57 this love bombing allow allows the narcissist to transition to the next phase the next phase is idealization that's where people get completely confused they confuse love bombing with idealization because the message is identical during the love bombing phase
32. 11:16 the narcissist would tell you that you are drop dead gorgeous that you're hyper intelligent that you can do no wrong that you are unprecedentedly unprecedentedly fascinating that he's never come across someone like you he's never felt better than when he is with
33. 11:32 you etc and it sounds a lot like idealization isn't it doesn't it but it's not because this is an internal monologue this is the narcissist telling himself that you're perfect this is a narcissist trying to convince himself that you are amazing and fascinating and
34. 11:55 drop dead gorgeous and super intelligent it's a It's not a dialogue it's not about you it's not directed at you it's directed at the narcissist the narcissist bounces off you these generalizations these exaggerated hyperbolic statements he bounces them
35. 12:14 off you in order to see how you're going to react your reaction determines whether you fit into the nent emerging shared fantasy or not and if you pass this audition phase the narcissist then proceeds to idealize you idealization is about object
36. 12:36 acquisition idealization is intended to expose you to your idealized version to
37. 12:46 your own perfection via the narcissist gaze narcissist intends to get you addicted to this way of seeing yourself narcissist wants you to fall in love with yourself to get infatuated with yourself but not with your real self but with the idealized image of you with a
38. 13:09 photoshopped snapshot with the avatar that represents you in his mind which is a perfect being and a blemishless impeccable entity and so the narcissist creates this image of you which is known in psychoanalytical literature as ego ideal he creates this image of you then
39. 13:31 he gives you access to this image via his gaze monopolistic gaze and then you fall in love with your with the way the narcissist sees you narcissist idealizes you he exposes you to this ideal perfect version of yourself and then he makes you fall in love and get infatuated with
40. 13:54 this version of yourself which only the narcissist can give you access to via his gaze so idealization is about getting you addicted about making sure that you stick around about making you fall in love with this internal object in the narcissist mind that represents you in a
41. 14:18 way that makes you lovable makes you perfect makes you adequate strips away all your self-doubt all your vulnerabilities and weaknesses renders you to a godlike figure so this is idealization that way the narcissist acquires you as a participant in the shared fantasy
42. 14:42 acquires you as a source of narcissistic supply he converts you into a permanent object he objectifies you in a way so idealization is about object acquisition whereas love bombing is about is a kind of interaction between the narcissist and you where the narcissist tries to
43. 15:04 convince himself that you are ideal having convinced himself he then idealizes you and lets you lets you gain access lets you lets you observe this idealized version of you and so the narcissist in the shared fantasy idealizes you and then loves you
44. 15:27 unconditionally because as an ideal perfect object you are eminently lovable and this is known as the dual mothership concept i'm not going to it right now similarly border lines also idealize and the aim of idealization the purpose of idealization in borderline
45. 15:46 personality disorder is exactly the same as it is in narcissistic personality disorder to acquire the the desirable object the borderline desires an intimate partner she wants the intimate partner in her life she's terrified of being abandoned and rejected by the
46. 16:07 intimate partner she wants to outsource many of her ego functions to the intimate partner she wants the intimate partner to stabilize her moods her labile moods to regulate her disregulated emotions to make her feel good to restore inner peace these are
47. 16:25 the functions of the intimate partner and she needs the intimate partner to be present in her life and to do so she must acquire the intimate partner gain possession over the intimate partner own the intimate partner and how does she do that exactly the way the narcissist does
48. 16:43 she idealizes the intimate partner she provides the intimate partner or the special person with narcissistic supply she controls the intimate partner from the bottom she idealizes the intimate partner by adjulating and admiring the intimate partner on the one hand and by
49. 17:04 becoming needy and totally dependent on the intimate partner on the other hand both are forms of idealization when the borderline informs the intimate partner how perfect he is how amazing how unique etc she's idealizing him and she does this by providing him with an endless
50. 17:26 stream and flow of narcissistic supply at the same time when she tells the intimate partner I can't live without you i can't function without you i don't know what's real and what's what's not without you she is also aggrandizing the intimate partner it's also a form of
51. 17:44 narcissistic supply this control from the bottom this neediness this clinging is also a form of supply and so the borderline converts her intimate partner or special persons in her life into impromptu narcissists situational narcissists by providing them with
52. 18:06 high-grade irresistible narcissistic supply it's like heroine it's a drug they become addicted to it you see that both narcissists and border lines idealize others but for different reasons and in different ways in psychoanalytic theory idealization is actually a defense
53. 18:30 mechanism it protects the individual from conscious feelings of ambivalence towards the idealized object for example in early childhood we idealize our parents and other important role models and figures and these parents and role models they play a role in the
54. 18:51 development of what Freud called ego ideal the way we want to see ourselves the way we imagine ourselves the way we aspire to be with a parent for example the parent is idealized it's very difficult to begin to perceive the parent realistically warts and all shortcomings
55. 19:14 failure failings weaknesses vulnerabilities difficult and so the child idealizes the parents precisely in order to avoid precisely in order to avoid the realization that the parent is compromised that the parent is less than perfect that the parent is weak that the
56. 19:37 parent is vulnerable that the parent is mistaken prone to error that the parent is human the child idealizes the parent in order to avoid having to confront these kind of extremely threatening and uncomfortable feelings and realizations and knowledge about the parents the
57. 19:57 borderline does the same she idealizes the intimate partner or the special person because she wants to avoid the terrifying truth that her intimate partner may be less than perfect may be weak may be vulnerable and may definitely abandon her and reject her
58. 20:16 the narcissist idealizes for a completely different reason the narcissist idealizes the intimate partner to create in the intimate partner an addiction an addiction to this idealized image of herself so whereas a narcissist is a lot more psychopathic a lot more goal
59. 20:36 oriented narcissist idealizes you so that you become addicted to this idealization and will never abandon him never leave him what the borderline does she idealizes the intimate partner because she cannot cope with reality it's a form of escapism a form of refraraming faciously
60. 20:58 reframing the intimate partner or the special person so you can see idealization it's the same psychological process completely different ethology completely different reasons completely different goals and so on so forth there's even an example of similar
61. 21:16 dynamics at play in therapy in self-c psychology there's something called narcissistic transference when narcissistic transference is activated in treatment the patient experiences the analyst or therapist or clinician is a powerful and benevolent parental figure the patient
62. 21:38 idealizes the therapist idealizes the the clinician patient people even idealize YouTubers like myself they convert us into parental figures and these parental figures are flawless blemishless so when engaged in this form of transference the patient feels
63. 22:03 protected able to share in the power and capabilities of the therapist the same way a young child idealizes the parent and feels protected by the parent because the parent then becomes a godlike figure it was first described by Austrianborn US psychoanalyst Hines quote so to
64. 22:25 summarize psychopaths groom and they groom in order to create attachment and bonding that are so powerful that the grooming target or the grooming victim will do anything for the cycle no inhibitions no boundaries no rules no limits that's grooming love bombing is when the
65. 22:47 narcissist creates the ground for the shared fantasy and love bombing love bombing involves series of goals to prepare the ground for idealization to create an internal object that represents you in the narcissist mind to audition you to test you in many ways
66. 23:06 how do you react to the love bombing are you aminable to the narcissist charms do you find the narcissist irresistible are you likely to join him in the shed fantasy are you less likely to abandon and reject him and so on and so love bombing is about the narcissist
67. 23:25 it's a narcissist's attempt to cast role casting if you wish to cast you in the role in a role the role of participant in the shared fantasy a source of supply whatever narcissist auditions you love bombing is an audition it's a test and then there's idealization
68. 23:45 idealization in the case of the narcissist is about acquiring you owning you possessing you as a as an object And the narcissist does this by exposing you to an ideal version of yourself which is very addictive and causes you to fall in love with yourself via the
69. 24:05 narcissist exclusive gaze the borderline idealizes for completely different reasons the borderline idealizes her intimate partner or special person because she needs to create this fictitious figure parental figure who is able to take over critical psychonamics and psychological
70. 24:28 functions and needs of the borderline the borderline idealizes by providing her target with high-grade purified unadulterated narcissistic supply in a variety of forms and ways whereas a narcissist in the idealization phase lets you generate your own
71. 24:52 narcissistic supply by being exposed to your ideal image to your to the ideal internal object idealized internal object in the narcissist's mind the borderline simply provides narcissistic supply so from the outside observing this these various dynamics and various behaviors
72. 25:15 one could easily mistake one one for the other but it's wrong it's wrong some of these processes and behaviors are conscious some of them unconscious some of them have to do with attachment and bonding others have to do with manipulation and machavelian tricks some
73. 25:32 of them have to do with object acquisition some of them have to do with self delusion and the generation of fantasy overpowering fantasy some of them have to do with abandonment anxiety separation insecurity some of them have to do with with other things object
74. 25:50 acquisition they are not the same these three processes are not the same and don't confuse them from now on