Narcissist: When Defenses Crumble, Shame Overwhelms: Narcissistic Mortification, Pt. 2 (Compilation)

Summary

okay Joe's and Joets Bidens and Bidets I have a message for you i have a message for you and it's an important one if you have a narcissist in your life stand back if you are on my YouTube channel stand by and if you have any kind of hair left dye it orange orange is the new black orange is the future now many of you have complained that there was a sound of drilling very strong drilling sound in yesterday's video it bothered you you don't like to hear sounds of drilling but it was not drilling it was my neighbors having sex and you thought you had it good my name is Sam Vaknin i'm the

Abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Sam Vaknin, Trauma, Vaknin, Vaknin Summaries

June 23, 2025

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00:03 okay Joe's and Joets Bidens and Bidets I
00:09 have a message for you i have a message for you and it's an important one if you have a narcissist
00:17 in your life stand back if you are on my YouTube channel stand
00:24 by and if you have any kind of hair left dye it orange orange is the new black
00:32 orange is the future now many of you have complained that there was a sound of drilling very strong drilling sound in yesterday's video it bothered you you
00:44 don't like to hear sounds of drilling but it was not drilling it was my neighbors having sex and you thought you
00:53 had it good my name is Sam Vaknin i'm the author of Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisited
01:00 and a professor of psychology and a professor of finance in several universities around this shrinking globe
01:08 and today I'm going to bring you another pallet of frivolities and foibless from
01:16 the world of the narcissist before we go there as usual I'm going to answer some
01:22 of your questions so my first question what do I anticipate after the pandemic in terms of mental health i'll make it
01:29 very brief because I've dealt with it in other videos hint hint i anticipate three waves i think the first wave would be would be a wave of mood and anxiety
01:40 disorders i think the second wave would be a a wave of personality disorders especially cluster B personality disorders there will be uh the pandemic
01:52 and the um measures adopted as an as a result of the pandemic or in order to
01:58 forall the pandemic all these put together create enormous stress and enormous anxiety and trigger narcissistic and even psychopathic defiant defenses they are known as reactants so that will be the second phase the second wave and the third wave
02:15 I think people who are prone to psychosis are going to develop psychotic
02:21 disorders so for example border lines are very likely to develop psychotic disorders even some narcissists
02:27 especially some subtypes of covert narcissists but many other people people with underlying
02:35 um schizo schizophrenic like schizophrenic form disorders and so on i think these people are going to ultimately develop psychotic disorders in the wake of this
02:48 pandemic next question what do I think about the smear campaign
02:55 um there is the possibility that we can reframe the masses smear
03:03 campaign we can cons we can think of it in classical terms smear campaign is a
03:09 manifestation and an expression of the narcissist's underlying fundamental evil
03:16 the narcissist is bad narcissist is wicked narcissist is satanic i mean just look at me and because of that he
03:23 engages in untoward practices such as smear campaigns but we can think about
03:30 it differently perhaps a narcissist is is engaging in a smear campaign because it's trying to shift from internal
03:37 motification to external motification in other words a narcissist who feels
03:43 bad about himself who who is egoistonic and we discussed that in the previous video
03:49 such a narcissist would feel very uncomfortable because he's not used to feel responsible he's not used to guilt and shame regret and remorse these are novel experiences and not welcome ones so such analysis forcibly tries to shift
04:06 from internal motification i'm bad i'm guilty i have mis misbehaved to an
04:12 external motification they are bad they are guilty they should be ashamed of themselves they engaged in misconduct
04:20 they mistreated me they abused me so to move from internal to external
04:26 notification one of the tools possibly is the smear campaign the smear campaign
04:32 creates an echo chamber you know the narcissist goes to his friends he says "Wow my wife is horrible." They say "Yeah she is horrible you're right." You know so he gets he gets kind of validation he he validates his dim view
04:46 his u denigrating view of the other and it makes it easier for him to transition
04:53 from an internal motification it's all my fault I misbehaved to an external
04:59 motification it's all their fault they misbehaved the smear campaign
05:05 gains the narcissist and and garners and genders reactions that support the
05:12 narcissist new motification external motification support the narcissist's view that he surrounded by monsters that
05:20 he is a saint or in other words that he is a victim the smear campaign reasserts
05:28 and butresses the narcissist view of himself as a victim now this doesn't
05:34 happen in the the uh bargaining phase because in the bargaining phase as I've
05:40 said in the previous video in the bargaining phase the narcissist accepts that he had created the dismal
05:48 circumstances in which he had found himself he he understands that he is responsible he put things in motion he
05:56 pushed everyone away from him he caused his wife to cheat on him he I mean he realizes that he is the primum mids the primaca the first cause of everything
06:08 that had happened and in a way it comforts him in the bargaining phase because he wants to feel in control he
06:15 wants to feel that whatever is being done to him is done to him because he had initiated it he had kind of he he
06:23 used everyone as a pawn as a as a device as a machine he he put things in motion
06:30 so in the bargaining phase the narcissist is very unlikely to transition from internal motification to
06:36 external motification because internal internal internal motification provides him with sakur renders him in control but during the shared fantasy it's a different story
06:48 during the shirt fantasy the the narcissist is very likely to engage in a smear campaign
06:54 is very likely to bed mouth his intimate partner his business partner whoever
07:00 participated in the shared fantasy anyone who exits the shared fantasy is likely to be subjected to such a
07:07 treatment to such a procedure to a smear campaign or to bed mouthing because the narcissist in the shared fantasy needs
07:14 to shift the blame he needs to transition from internal motification to external motification because he loves
07:21 the shared fantasy he wants to stay in it he wants to sustain and maintain it he doesn't want anyone to leave to exit to abandon the shared fantasy or him in
07:33 the bargaining phase the narcissist is instrumental he's goal oriented he wants to push people away he wants to get rid
07:40 of his girlfriend his intimate partner his spouse he wants to dismantle a
07:46 business he has with someone or to seize some kind of collaboration he's very goalorientated and whatever he does his
07:52 abuse his mistreatment his maltreatment humiliating other people sadistically
07:58 taunting them teasing everything all these behaviors are intended to push people away and when he succeeds to push
08:05 people away he feels that he had accomplished his goal he feels in control that's in the bargaining phase
08:11 not so in the shed fantasy the shared fantasy when people abandon the narcissist he feels really really bad
08:19 and rejected the thing is that everyone wants from the narcissist
08:25 something that he's unable to give consider for example women uh in a heterosexual couple i keep
08:32 emphasizing you know I talk about men when actually it applies equally to women and I talk about heterosexual men
08:41 when it applies perfectly well to homosexual men and to lesbians homosexual women
08:48 so heterosexual men heterosexual narcissists consider women for example a
08:54 woman wants a man she wants a man as a life park she doesn't want a child never mind how
09:01 delightful the child she doesn't want a child she's not looking for a child she doesn't want to be a mother to her own
09:08 spouse her own intimate partner she wants intimacy she wants adult intimacy and it's impossible to accomplish with a child similarly she doesn't want a stern
09:19 disciplinarian strict and harsh father and these are the only two roles that the narcissist
09:26 can play he can be a delightful child you know very cute and you know spritly
09:33 or he can be a stern harsh sadistic father the a kind of projection and
09:40 raification of the inner critic but both a child and a father prelude certain
09:47 behaviors and of course certain activities it's very difficult to have sex with your own child it's very
09:53 difficult to have sex with your own father assuming these roles within the diet within the couple gradually
10:01 precludes sex creates what we call sex aversion to a woman the narcissist is a child or
10:09 a father to a man the narcissist is a loser or a failure
10:15 to his stakeholders to his clients to his suppliers to his partners is also a failure because he cannot provide a full-fledged all-rounded
10:28 role application he cannot he cannot play social roles effectively
10:35 and so consequently people put boundaries with a narcissist and there are several types of boundaries there's
10:41 a classic boundary the classic boundary is a rule of conduct it's informing other people what is acceptable to you and what is not acceptable to you and if they misbehave if they violate the
10:52 boundary informing other people what what the cost will be what are the sanctions what is the price of breaking
11:00 and breaching the boundary similarly what are the rewards if the boundary is observed there are other types of
11:06 boundaries for example there are defensive boundaries defensive boundaries are boundaries that intended
11:13 to keep things out away so for example confirmation bias is
11:19 a defensive boundary against information confirmation bias means that you reject ignore repress and suppress any informations any information or data
11:30 that challenge your self-image or self-perception that's a boundary aggression is a boundary in effect
11:37 aggressive behaviors are boundaries they set a clear perimeter that demarcate
11:43 there's a border there guarded protected and shielded by your aggression
11:49 reactants defiance these are boundaries and so on so there are many boundaries people use boundaries against the the narcissist luckily for the narcissist he is able to
12:01 recover speedily even after mortification because he's not really rejected he's not really rejected
12:08 because he never fulfills any roles he fulfills a single role we'll talk about it in a minute because I'm going to
12:14 discuss today the cerebral narcissist in the shared fantasy so a narcissist somatic cerebral doesn't matter usually fulfills a single role he
12:27 could be a guru he could be a stud could be a child could be a father but he
12:34 never he never fulfills a gamut or popoly or smogus board of roles
12:40 altogether a healthy person typically healthy person neurotypical usually
12:46 fulfills multiple roles simultaneously so he can be a friend a father a husband and a lover the narcissist can't he he's
12:55 a he's a single trick pony single trick horse so he can never be a true intimate partner he can fulfill a certain
13:06 function and that's it so when the woman is rejecting the narcissist for example in a romantic shared fantasy the woman
13:13 exits in a variety of ways we discussed that she can cheat on him she can betray him she can just walk away when the
13:19 woman rejects a narcissist she's not rejecting his presence because he's never present he's never present except
13:27 along a very specific dimension with a very specific role a very specific function a sliver so he's never truly
13:35 fully present so when she when she rejects him she's not rejecting his presence she's rejecting his absence
13:43 uh when a woman cheats on the narcissist she is not cheating on his presence she's cheating on his absence she's not cheating on his intimacy she's cheating
13:54 on his lack of intimacy she rejects a narcissist's single function because
14:00 she's looking for someone who can provide multiple functions of course the nar Nazis are not I mean vast majority
14:07 of them are not idiots they realize this they realize and accept and prepare themselves anticipate the constant losses they mourn their the inability to hold on to people
14:18 and they can't understand fully what how how how do they provoke people all the
14:25 time to hurt them people do their worst to hurt the narcissist and nar kind of
14:31 flabbergasted because he he refrains and recasts himself he writes narratives in which he
14:38 is a saint or perfect or very very generous and altruistic and he can't
14:44 understand when people hurt him his spouse his business partner his colleagues his neighbors his when people
14:51 go to extremes to cause the narcissist's pain and discomfort the narcissist is
14:57 discombobulated he says "What the hell what have I done to these people?" And he attributes this to his uniqueness
15:04 he says because they can't understand me i cannot be understood i cannot be known
15:11 because I'm I'm you know I'm so superior i'm outside the remit and the periphery of these
15:19 people's experiences daily experiences these people I mean they can't I'm inaccessible to them people can't get me
15:26 can't dig me can't understand me can't know me because I'm I'm a little like God you know you can't know the mind of God i'm godlike a bit my false self is definitely godlike and so people can't understand me and because they cannot understand me they feel envious or they
15:42 feel intimidated and frightened or they feel inadequate i cause the narcissist
15:48 tells himself he says to himself "My mere superiority
15:54 my mere hyper intelligence my mere enormous intellect my mere
16:01 handsome looks my mere advantages they cause people such discomfort
16:08 such humiliation such injury that people want to pay back
16:14 they want to revenge and avenge themselves they want to punish me but they're punishing me not because of something I've done but because of who I am because of my identity which is so
16:25 far removed from their daily life that they try to destroy me they want to
16:32 destroy me because I keep frustrating them with my displays of omnipotence and omniscience my grandiosity is justified it's not a confabulation it's not a
16:44 fable it's not a story it's not a narrative it's true i am superior and he
16:50 says because I'm unique they hate me i cannot be loved by mere mortals because
16:56 I'm immortal i my abus in this way with this story
17:02 the abuse that the narcissist experiences and he does experience abuse everyone around the narcissist abuses
17:08 him it's reactive of course the narcissist is first to abuse but then they abuse him back and he explains this abuse in this way and so it becomes
17:21 egoonic he can live with it you know now people ask me about supply secondary
17:27 primary they're very confused primary supply is anything that causes the narcissist supply so it's attention adulation admiration it's a flashy car it's a new
17:40 job you know president of the United States it's something that causes him
17:46 it's an instrument to obtain attention so if you if you get a new job and it's
17:52 a superior job I mean you get attention and also have power access to sex to money money garners attention um etc etc
18:02 so anything that can lead to attention is primary supply secondary narcissistic
18:08 supply is not the same now you as the narcissist insignificant other his
18:14 intimate partner you cannot provide him with primary supply only with secondary supply secondary supply has several functions you are his fan you you
18:26 regulate his narcissistic supply you keep it stable you you flatten the curve
18:34 you flatten the curve of the narcissistic supply in two ways you're always there you're permanent you're
18:41 regular you're predictable you know you don't challenge him you don't abandon him you don't So you are a stabilizing
18:47 influence and on the other hand you memorize you remember you recall you're like an external external hard disk or
18:54 external memory you recall the narcissist's moments of glory and glamour and and victory and triumph and
19:01 you rebroadcast you reruns it's like reruns of series you know you rebroadcast this to the narcissist when
19:07 he's low when the narcissist fails to obtain supply supply is deficient he's
19:13 mocked he's ridiculed he's abandoned is shunned is I don't know what you tell him do you remember how wonderful your
19:20 lecture was do you remember meeting the president of Russia do you I mean and then the narcissist perks up it's like
19:28 water to a plant a shriveling plant and that is secondary supply but
19:35 you provide the narcissist with secondary supply you regulate the flow of narcissistic supply with your input and with your presence but you also
19:46 provide him with primary sadistic supply you are the narcissist's
19:52 favorite target s to gratify his sadistic impulses if he has if he has
19:58 them it's very important to understand that only a small minority of narcissist are sadist and only a small minority of
20:05 them need sadistic supply
20:11 that's a big glass of wine vaknin you wo get on with the lecture sorry sorry here
20:19 we go so you provide primary supply in the sense that you are the favored target
20:27 he if he wants to humiliate humiliate someone if he wants sadistic sex if he wants to taunt and torture and torment and tease if he wants to put put someone
20:38 down in order to feel superior etc you will be the natural default choice
20:45 and he needs access to your body and he needs access to your body because he wants to masturbate with your body he
20:52 masturbates with your body it's very important to understand no narcissist has sex not cerebral not somatic not
21:00 covert not inverted there's no type of narcissist who makes love they are incapable of love and there's no type of narcissist who has sex all narcissists
21:11 die virgins because what they do with your body is they masturbate with it you're an object you're an animated sex doll or if the narcissist is is a woman
21:22 you're an animated dildo animated viper so you're a housekeeper and a butler and
21:28 a partner and a personal assistant these are the services you're supposed to provide you're also a mother you're also
21:37 a murbatory aid sex doll you're the target of sadistic supply and you're
21:44 supposed to tell the narcissist how great he is how wonderful he is how victorious he is every time he's down
21:50 that's regulation of supply and you're supposed to always be there when it needs you when I mean on call you're like on standby you know so not a very appetizing job description mind you and so people have been asking me but he
22:05 he used to have sex with me but now he doesn't have sex with me but he never had sex with me and people are totally confused about the cerebral narcissist
22:14 let's start by saying that the somatic narcissist compared to the cerebral narcissist is totally normal because a
22:22 somatic narcissist loves everything you love now somatic narcissist loves access to human bodies what you call sex for him it's masturbation but doesn't
22:33 doesn't matter he likes this he desires you he finds you irresistible because he needs your bodies he's a body snatcher the somatic narcissist but at least he
22:44 wants your body he usually likes to have a good time he's a social drinker he's
22:52 gregarious so the somatic narcissist is much more human than the cerebral narcissist much more human he's vampiring he's exploitative he's autoerotic
23:06 um a bit a bit a bit of a latent homosexual i mean he has his quirks he has his quirks and his glitches and his
23:13 bugs it's all true but he's much more human than the cerebral narcissist and so the cerebral narcissist is really
23:20 seriously alien there is very very little in common and
23:27 I'm saying it as a professor of psychology with full responsibility i don't want to say authority but with
23:33 full I'm I'm judiciously using these words the cerebral narcissist has so
23:39 little in common with normal healthy human beings that I hesitate to call him human it's an organism it's carbon based
23:50 and it has all the wet wear and software it has a brain it has a liver it has I
23:56 mean it's okay in the anatomical sense it's human but not much not much not
24:02 much more than that the cerebral narcissist is a one-trick insufferably
24:08 haughty delusional and entitled pony horse
24:14 he is not God's gift to the world god is his gift to the world you get it the
24:21 cerebral offers a front row seat to the pyrochnics
24:27 of his fortian intellect so this is his gift he says to you
24:33 listen you get close to me i mean you become my intimate partner for example you become my business partner you become my audience in a lecture it's so
24:40 I'm going to give you the show of your life i mean just sit back relax and consume me because I'm at the ultimate drug my intelligence my brain my mind
24:51 they are the ultimate drug they are mindaltering they're like virtual reality they're like augmented reality
24:57 they're in the matrix enter the matrix so and you have a front row if you're my
25:03 spouse if you're my I mean I give you a front row and and it's pyro techchnical it's like fireworks you know but that's it that's all he gives you or anyone
25:14 else ever the cerebral narcissist gives nothing else besides not sex not commitment not
25:23 investment warmth family home children empathy attentiveness attention secore support friendship intimacy socializing
25:36 good time leisure activities positive emotions love forget about it none of
25:44 these things are forthcoming from the cerebral narcissist if you're trying to extract
25:51 it from the cerebral narcissist he's going to resent you and it's going to abuse you
25:57 and also you're foolish it's a foolish errand to try to extricate or motivate
26:05 the cerebral narcissist to any of these behaviors and traits he doesn't have it in him his
26:13 mind has been molded at such an early stage of his life
26:19 molded and deformed to an extent that is utterly irreversible and irrevocable it
26:26 reminds me that there was um there were nomads vagabons in Europe
26:32 they were called kachicosis compacos they used to steal children babies they used to steal babies and they used to put them in bottles and the baby grew in the shape of the bottle as
26:44 the baby grew up you know became older the bottle broke the bones of the baby
26:51 and and then they would break the bottle and they would have a baby bottle or a bottle baby
26:58 in the shape of the bottle this is the cerebral narcissist he's invariably abusive and contemptuous of everyone and
27:05 sometimes sadistically so precisely because he thinks the only thing that matters are intelligence intellect
27:12 analytical capacity he honestly and firmly believes that it
27:18 is an extreme privilege for you just to witness and admire his intelligence in action he's motified utterly motified and that's narcissistic motification
27:29 which is far more common among cerebrals he's motified when you his intimate
27:35 partner cheat on him cheat on him with other men who are
27:41 considerably less endowed than him intellectually like he is the apex he is the epitome
27:51 he's the top how could you have settled for someone the man you were treated
27:57 with who is less than him less intelligent than him less sharp less analytical less appreciient less omniscient how could you how could you
28:08 go for someone who is so vastly manifestly inferior to him intellectually he's
28:16 shocked he can't digest it he can't understand it because in his world the absolute only thing that matters is the
28:24 intellect intelligence analysis so when people shun the cerebral naroscissist
28:30 when they label him a failure and a loser he he doesn't know how to cope with this he's a self-imputed genius how can they think this so they are idiots
28:41 if they had reached these conclusions they are so profoundly stupid this just
28:48 proves it these conclusions serve to prove that they are because no one in his
28:54 right mind would have missed the signals of his genius and when he fails to get
29:00 the job that he was angling for after a job interview I mean he's besides himself jesus how am I going to survive
29:08 in this world everyone is so stupid so backward so primitive
29:15 i mean people have zero analytical skills i can't survive here i wish I were born on another planet he says I'm
29:21 a vulcan a volcanian Star Trek the cerebral narosis cannot grasp that for
29:29 intelligence to be meaningful to other people the intelligence must be embedded
29:36 in emotions in empathy the intellect must come replete with
29:44 social skills and with the capacity for teamwork intelligence
29:50 alone all by itself soistic intelligence
29:56 and intellect that doesn't come with the ability to exercise it with other people
30:02 they are utterly meaningless they might as well not exist they are the equivalent of a I don't know smartphone
30:10 he doesn't get it he simply can't get it he feels so entitled he says people have
30:17 to accommodate me they have to modify their behaviors because what I'm bringing to the table is unprecedented
30:24 it's divine it's unique and people have to recognize this and they have to change they have to change the world has to change the workplace has to change my wife has to change everyone has to change and modify and transmogriphy and
30:40 transform if they want to benefit if they want to reap the fruits of the
30:46 amazing gift that I had been given moreover as far as his spouse or partner
30:53 are concerned um there is this issue of intelligence
30:59 and intellect and so I mean to make any lasting sense
31:05 to make make any meaningful impression the nar the cerebral narcissist
31:12 cognitive analytical prowess must be somehow transferable
31:19 he must somehow pass it on so one way to pass it on is to communicate but then this ribbal narcissist is is intentionally non-communicative he is on purpose he uses you know
31:35 language that is inaccessible to most people incomprehensible even he uses jagon or lingo or you know
31:44 um he would make it very very difficult for people to understand him because he believes that obscurity
31:50 arcane language proves that he's superior proves that he has access to
31:56 knowledge and information that other people don't put him above the madding crowd
32:03 and so on that's one way one way for an intelligence or an intellect to be
32:10 meaningful is that it's communicated but there's another way to communicate it by procreating by having children
32:18 you must pass off your intellect and intelligence this genetic endowment to
32:24 your offspring or else your gift
32:30 ends up being a one-off ephemeral an increasingly more tedious thing to
32:36 behold kind of a blip or a glitch that keeps repeating itself like a pulsar or
32:43 a quazar in the in the universe a pulser these are rotating stars that send
32:49 pulses the pulses ultimately become you know at the beginning it's very exciting and so but you know after six years of pulses get a bit tired
33:00 if you are hyper intelligent super intelligent and you communicate your intelligence it has impact it affects people it alters lives for the better you know what forget lives it changes the world
33:16 one way or another but if you refuse to communicate and refuse to have children so that you can't pass it you don't pass it verbally and you don't pass it genetically i mean then you're a freak
33:28 you're a freak show you're a circus a circus act and how many times can you see the same
33:34 circus act you get boring you become boring you become tedious and most cerebral narcissists with their endless
33:41 soliloquiz soliloquiz and monologues they become very boring and very tedious trust me sometimes I bore even myself and I'm my biggest fan by far and still
33:54 I bore myself to death i need a drink
34:01 vakn you why no get on with the lecture yes sir so
34:07 this the childless ribbon narcissist is a hoarder he hoards his gift he's so
34:14 jealous so envious that he refuses to share his gift even by his own progeny
34:20 he doesn't want and and when they do have children they're jealous of them they're envious very self they're very
34:27 destructive this way they compete with their own children even when the children are very young the competition
34:34 rears its ugly head okay i have received many comments that had
34:41 indicated that the structure that I had described in my previous video was not entirely clear surprise surprise there let me try to elucidate and this time in
34:52 a skeletal way like a skeleton without my usual pompous verbose flourishes here
34:59 I did it again so to start with the narcissist approaches
35:06 you and then avoids you if you want to understand the governing principle of your alleged ostensible relationship with a narcissist it's approach avoidance repetition compulsion
35:19 narcissist is afraid of you whoever you are romantic partner business partner doesn't matter neighbor colleague
35:25 narcissist afraid of you because people have the capacity to cause the narcissist injury and mortification and
35:33 these hurt and even threaten life so narcissist regards everyone as a potential menace so he approaches and when he feels that things become too cozy too intimate too fuzzy too warm too empathic he withdraws approach avoidance
35:50 approach avoidance an endless perpetual mobil machine like a piston in a train
35:56 in a in a locomotive so it all starts with the grooming and love bombing and
36:03 the grooming and love bombing phase includes false promises lies
36:09 confabulations why because if a narcissist were to show his true face let alone his true intentions no one
36:16 would come near him so he has to lie he has to pretend he has to act he develops instant theespian skills thespian look it up online next the first phase is
36:27 grooming and love bombing second phase shared fantasy he had captured you he had acquired you he is all over you
36:36 he had become your obsession you become compulsive you become possessive you
36:42 want him because he's the best thing since sliced bread better than sliced bread so you can't live without him
36:49 suddenly here he can mold you he can shape you into an actor in the theater
36:57 production that is his shared fantasy now don't confuse theater with life
37:04 don't do this that's theater narcissist has no life only consecutive movies
37:12 consecutive theater productions it's a shared fantasy and when he when like a spider he had captured you in the wave and he feels your tremors and your
37:23 movements you know communicated via the web he can feel you he has called empathy he scans you all the time and so
37:30 on when he feels confident that he is the new proprietor that you had become
37:36 his objectified property he starts to abuse you he starts to abuse you for two reasons one he wants to test whether you can become his
37:47 mother or father again if your narcissist is a woman just change the gender pronouns so he wants to in the
37:53 case of a heterosexual narcissistic men he wants to test he abuses you
37:59 narcissistic abuse um um in the shared fantasy is intended to secure two goals
38:07 one to test whether you can become a true mother a true mother means that you
38:13 will love him unconditionally that you will accept enemies behavior and enemies conduct including abuse so he abuses you
38:21 he pushes the envelope he wants to see how far it can go he wants to see when you will show signs of abandonment of
38:27 giving up on being of being desperate of looking for someone else and he wants to
38:33 know your boundaries in other words he's testing your boundaries so this is the first goal the second goal he is
38:41 reenacting that is unconscious and compulsive he is reenacting his early
38:47 childhood conflicts with his mother all the aggression is displaced from his
38:53 mother to you you become his mother and if the mother was was a dead mother
38:59 emotionally unavailable depressive narcissistic and so on he would push you to play this part through a process
39:07 called projective identification now if you play this part he's justified in dumping you he's justified in discarding you if you don't play this part and if you accept him and love him
39:18 unconditionally is yours forever he will be addicted to you forever but extremely
39:26 few women survive this it's an ordeal by fire ordeal by fire it's the closest thing to a terraneian
39:37 terrestrial hell the closest because he is abusing you and sending you at the
39:44 same time mixed signals the the first signal is please I want
39:50 you to be my good enough mother i want you to love me unconditionally i want to ex I want you to accept my naughty side
39:58 my misconduct my misbehavior my faults my foibless my frivolities my you know I
40:04 want you to to truly love me like a child a pure child that's message number one at the same time he's sending the diametrically opposed message i want you
40:16 to be a bad mother a vicious mother a wicked mother the wicked mother of the north i want you to abuse me and torture
40:23 me and cheat on me and and ruin me and because I want you to be my mother
40:29 my original mother the mother who had shaped me i miss her i want her and I
40:35 want to continue to engage in the game that we used to have where you know she was abusing me I was abusing her this
40:42 power play tries to create the power play via via mind games
40:49 these messages can't be reconciled it's a lose-lose situation there's no winning here only a supercentered extremely resilient
41:01 hyper intelligent mega genius woman can somehow
41:07 find the middle ground by sending her own co contrary mixed signals by
41:14 modulating the narcissist mixed signals i'll dedicate a whole video to this some
41:20 other time so subjected to the narcissistic abuse in the shared fantasy
41:27 most women react in one of two ways i would say 99% of women react in one of two ways there are those women who withdraw they are pushed away they actually
41:39 effectively emotionally exit the shared fantasy some of them not all of them
41:45 some of them cheat and they cheat discreetly because they don't want to hurt the narcissist they still regard the
41:51 narcissist as a wounded child they understand the narcissist in some way they and so they don't want you know
41:57 they don't want to cause unnecessary pain but they want to um gratify their unmet needs they have needs and so they want to meet these needs and so they if
42:09 they cheat they cheat discreetly if they betray they betray incrementally and mildly and they withdraw only usually
42:17 emotionally when the narcissist spots this remember he has this scanner he has
42:23 this radar called empathy he gets you before you get yourself he can anticipate every move you make you can
42:30 never fool the narcissist don't fool yourself that you had ever fooled the narcissist he's extremely unlikely to show you that he knows that he understands that he anticipates you that
42:43 he he has every detail about everything you have done with anyone he will never show you this because it's a
42:49 vulnerability it proves his weakness spying on you is a weakness etc so but he knows everything you take it as a working hypothesis your narcissistic partner knows absolutely everything
43:00 you've ever done with anyone and your innermost thoughts and and so on cold
43:07 empathy is the most powerful tool I know to penetrate other people's minds most
43:13 powerful so he gets you he realizes he picks up the tremors like a seismograph
43:20 he knows the earthquake is coming and so he begins to stalk you if you choose this solution emotional absentism having it on the side double timing you
43:32 know he begins to stalk you a rottomanic stalking and in a way it's becoming even even a more pronounced case of approach avoidance you know he approaches you
43:44 with a stalking and then he avoids you with the abuse becomes really bad other women you remember there are two solutions to there are two solutions to the
43:55 narcissistic abuse in the shared fantasy other women choose to bargain they
44:01 bargain with the narcissist they pose demands they remind him of his promises they ask
44:08 for his commitment they suggest some arrangement they try to spice up this spice up the sex life they um insist on
44:16 going to couple therapy marital marital counseling etc they try somehow to
44:23 bargain their way into a better improved relationship and this provokes the
44:29 second type of narcissistic abuse and the sole the only goal of this second type of narcissistic abuse is to jettison the partner to get rid of the partner once and for all so while in the
44:42 first case of narcissistic abuse and stalking they avoid and
44:50 uh they avoid and you approach in this case
44:56 uh sorry in the in the first case uh you avoid and they approach yes in the first
45:02 case first solution you chose to withdraw you chose to cheat discreetly
45:08 you choose to emotionally absent yourself from the relationship so there you are the one who is avoiding you are
45:14 the one who is developing avoidant strategies and behaviors and then they approach stalking so in the first case
45:22 you avoid they approach in the second case uh you approach you approach you're
45:30 trying to bargain you're trying to restore the relationship you are trying to make things better you approach and
45:36 that now it's their turn to avoid they push you away so the stalking
45:42 which is solution number I mean behavior number one solution number one provokes talking or the type two abuse type two
45:51 narcissistic abuse is the the the sort of abuse that happens in the bargaining phase
45:58 whether you're stopped or whether you're abused majority of women end up abandoning the
46:05 narcissist now some of them abandon dysfunctionally by cheating or and on
46:11 the narcissist and betraying the narcissist ostentatiously or by engaging in a smear campaign or by
46:19 taking revenge or by just abandoning overtly and conspicuously so these are
46:25 the dramatic personalities among you if you yourself have mental health issue
46:31 like if you're borderline or codependent you're likely to engage in a dramatic exit
46:37 exit lift but the majority of of intimate partners of the narcissist they
46:43 just walk away simply they pack their their things and walk away heartbroken they give up and they just walk away and so then the narcissist starts to reframe
46:54 his internal motification the the hidden the hidden implicit knowledge that he
47:01 had made all this happen that he is the one who had destroyed the relationship so he's beginning to convert it to
47:07 external motification he's beginning to say well it's it was her fault she misbehaved she abused me
47:14 she cheated on me she abandoned me so this is from internal to external and then it doesn't work very well and there's a pendulum movement from internal to external from external to
47:26 internal and the reason for this vacillation is that the shared fantasy is egoonic the narcissist feels good in
47:32 the shared fantasy and when you exit the shared fantasy he feels wronged he feels that you had
47:39 misbehaved he feels that you he feels that you had abused him he feels that he feels like a victim while the bargaining
47:47 phase is egoistonic the narcissist doesn't feel comfortable with the bargaining phase he hates it he wants
47:54 out and so he feels that he's in control when he pushes you away when he narcissistically abuses you in the
48:00 bargaining phase he knows what he's doing and he knows that in a way it's wrong to abuse people so he has internal
48:06 motification
48:12 the thing with Minnie all I could get from her was coffee she
48:18 didn't give me this buzz of intoxication and passion and desire you know what I mean
48:24 i've been with her for too long okay kiddos and the same
48:31 the same cycle with the very same steps with the very same dynamics apply in all
48:39 the narcissist relationship romantic relationships
48:45 uh one night stands business in the workplace in church with neighbors take
48:52 this model with all its steps all its dynamics all its behaviors and
48:58 misbehaviors avoidance approach all this and you will see that it applies to the way the narcissist performs his job in
49:09 the workplace to his relationships with his colleagues and with his boss of course
49:15 to a prolonged interaction with a specific neighbor you know enmity between neighbors
49:23 um to the way he functions in church and to his relationship with his children
49:29 this is the universal schema the universal framework the template of all the narcissist relationships
49:41 okay that's been a heavy a heavy video so I'll finish with two tidbits
49:47 just to gratify you and edify you we all under curfew and we are all in
49:53 quarantine or many of us are in quarantine some of us under curfew and so on so forth now lockdown is a relatively new word and so it doesn't
50:04 have a very illustrious history the history the roots of words it's a
50:10 discipline called ethmology ethmology is a study of the roots of words so but
50:17 curfew and quarantine are old words they're like hundreds of years old and they have a very long and varied and
50:23 colorful history very similar to some narcissis curfew is a contraction portmanto contra contra contraction of
50:35 the original French in French it was called ku means cover the fire you see
50:42 in the middle ages in Europe there was a bell and the bell was rung they were
50:48 ringing the bell at a certain hour in the evening usually it was about 8:00 depending on the location depending on
50:54 the sun and so on usually it was 8 and when the bell was rung everyone had to
51:00 put up fires domestic fires outside fires all fire had to be all fires had
51:07 to be extinguished and the reason was that if you didn't extinguish the fires
51:13 they tended to spread so very small domestic fires sometimes destroyed a whole city like the great fire of London
51:21 which started in a bakery in a tiny and of course in Chicago so domestic fires were very very dangerous they burned
51:28 down whole towns whole cities whole villages so when the bell was rung
51:34 cover the fire curfew this is they borrowed the term to refer
51:40 to to a restriction on anything not only on fire on citizens movements but after
51:46 dark so until very very recently they were
51:53 ringing the church bells when there was curfew until very recently no one no
51:59 actually I uh no one really knew why they just knew there's a curfew and we have to ring the bells but no one
52:05 remembered why what was what was the original purpose i I refer you to the to
52:12 the poem Grace Elegy uh written in a country church in a country churchyard
52:18 and it's um it says the sentence there the curfews the n of parting day it's an
52:26 echo of uh of this thing now quarantine quarantine is to do with narcissism
52:33 believe it or not originally the word quarantine meant me meant a
52:39 period of 40 days in which a widow had the right to remain in her dead
52:47 husband's house we find the first mention of this type of quarantine in the early 16th century and
52:58 so quarantine had to do with the relationships between men and women uh
53:06 when the narcissist dies his widow can remain in his house for 40 days
53:12 another use of quarantine it was um pronounced quarantine another use was
53:18 the desert in which Christ fasted for 40 days so the desert itself was called
53:25 quarantine and it was borrowed from the Latin word quadrainta
53:31 40 okay the quarantine the way we use it today is an earlier
53:39 word uh it's actually started I mean I read
53:45 online um things which are completely wrong they attribute the word to Italy didn't start in Italy it was it started in Croatia in a city known today as
53:56 Dubovnik an amazing place by the way it's like medieval life come alive it's a po It's a fort and a port put together it's a stunning place once the pidemic
54:07 is over promise yourselves to go and see Dubovnik you've never seen something like this it's on the sea it's like
54:14 someone took a fairy castle and put it on the sea anyhow it wasn't called the Buvnik at the time it was called Gagusa
54:21 and they passed a law and the original law was not 40 days it was actually 30 days and it was not called quarantine it was called Tantino no and it was like
54:32 every ship arriving from any part of the world where there was a disease of some kind uh that ship had to be isolated the
54:40 sailors had to be isolated and the goods by the way had to be isolated for 30 days so no one from Ragusa Dubovnik of
54:49 today was allowed to visit the ships during the Tantino and if someone broke the law they joined
54:56 the ship crew i mean they had to remain on the ship for the mandatory 30 days
55:02 and so for close to 100 years 80 years 100 years many many cities in Europe
55:09 port cities with harbors they adopted this TanTino so Marsele had a TanTino
55:15 Pisa had Tentino and many many many other cities so something happened after 80 years no one is quite sure what something happened after 8 years and they extended the period from 30 days to 40 days and
55:32 they renamed the 20ino and called it quarantino which is the root of the word
55:38 quarantine that we use today a little entertainment after a very
55:44 heavy and difficult video so
55:50 I need a drink vakin why no let the people go let my people go okay okay got it okay this was
56:03 it for today we discuss the cerebral narcissist there will be a video i'm threatening you there will be a video
56:10 dedicated to the somatic narcissist now that will be real fun what goes on the
56:16 mind ofatic narcissist and the way he deceives you
56:22 is it's amazing he's a con artist while the cerebral is an alien a form of
56:28 artificial intelligence the somatic is simply a con artist but a delightful con artist you know many women say maybe somatic maybe it's a
56:39 narist but it was worth it so we'll talk about it i promise
56:48 i know you miss me it's easy just say just say it come out
56:54 and say it vaknin we miss you my name my name is San Vaknin and I'm the only
57:02 author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited i'm also your favorite professor in any subject whatsoever this happens to be psychology
57:13 today we're going to discuss two tangential uh subjects one is motification and how
57:20 motification contributes to the regulation of moods in the narcissist and to the transition from what type one
57:27 type of narcissist to another i've dealt with this uh topics at length in
57:34 previous videos but today I would like to clarify it a bit the second topic on today's relatively short video is hoovering a contribution to the dynamic of hoovering i coined the word hoovering together with many other words like ghosting flying monkeys somatic
57:51 narcissist cerebral narcissist um and so on so forth i coined it to describe a
57:57 process whereby the narcissist tries to revive the shared fantasy but to revive
58:03 a specific shared fantasy by re-acquiring by teaming up again with a re
58:11 idealization a re idealized urswile previous intimate
58:18 partner hoovering never happens if the intimate partner mortifies the narcissist but anything short of
58:25 mortification and you are up for hoovering today I would like to make a minor contribution to this topic as well
58:33 but before we go there I would like to add to your reading list the assignment
58:39 for this semester these are books that you have to read as you know you have to submit reports and so on and I would I I
58:45 I'm about to add a book which I would place at the top of the list so this is really a synron this is something you
58:52 have to do it's an amazing book and even giants like Milan rely on this book extensively as an authoritative source
59:03 and it is it's very short it's in in terms of textbooks it's less than 300
59:09 pages long but It's a bombshell it includes everything known about
59:15 personality disorders i strongly recommend it to any student um
59:21 especially since you are postgraduates um this is a way to um keep up to speed
59:28 keep up keep yourself updated so Lens Perry S P R Y is the author and the book
59:36 is the handbook of diagnosis and treatment of diagnostic and statistical manual five personality disorders
59:42 assessment case conceptualization and treatment uh this is the third edition
59:48 published in 2016 one of the major advantages of this book is that it keeps
59:55 making a distinction between a personality style and a personality disorder
60:01 many people have the same personality style as someone with a personality disorder for example many people are grandiose they're narcissistic they're entitled they lack empathy etc etc yet
60:15 they don't measure up to the level of a diagnosis they have a personality style and he has these amazing tables comparing the style to the disorder
60:26 milan had adopted this contraption and had incorporated it in his seinal book
60:32 personality disorders in modern life which I keep quoting from on in my uh
60:38 videos so lens handbook of diagnosis and treatment of TSM5 personality disorders
60:44 a must let us now go to the topics of the of the video starting with the with motification to remind you narcissistic motification is an extreme form of decompensation
60:58 let's regress a bit each and every human being each and every human being healthy
61:05 and unhealthy has something called narcissistic defense mechanisms
61:11 narcissistic defense mechanisms are strategies ways of reframing and reinterpreting reality so that it doesn't inflict
61:24 um grave damage on one's soul or psyche so sometimes reality is too harsh injuring injurious wounding painful
61:37 hurtful and cannot be countenance cannot be accepted as it is psychological defense mechanisms kick in and they essentially falsify reality they falsify reality by beautifying it by changing it by recasting it by
61:53 looking at it from another angle by pretending by denying by repressing by splitting reality to all good and all bad and identifying with the good there are numerous ways of
62:06 rewriting history and absenting yourself from unmitigated
62:13 friction with reality so as to amilarate anxiety regulate your
62:19 internal environment including your moods and your emotions and allow you to survive simply so defense mechanisms are
62:26 crucial for survival in the absence of defense mechanisms people disintegrate
62:33 they fall apart they become psychotic border lines for example have extremely primitive defense mechanisms so they
62:40 don't cope very well with reality it's like they have no skin and they are in direct touch with reality not mediated
62:48 through elaborate defense mechanisms similarly narcissists resort usually to
62:54 primitive defenses such as splitting or grandiosity and narcissists similarly are constantly injured and wounded by reality narcissistic injury and so
63:05 narcissistic motification is when all the psychological defense
63:12 mechanisms at the disposal of the narcissist crumble all of them are disabled all of them are inactivated at the same moment and when I say moment I mean moment one could argue that uh normal people
63:29 healthy people also can undergo narcissistic motification because in
63:35 each and every one of us there's healthy narcissism here I disagree vehemently with Otto Kberg otto Kber claimed there's no such thing as healthy narcissism i completely beg to disagree
63:47 and on my corner are 99% of the scholars of narcissism we all believe that there is healthy healthy narcissism well since there is healthy narcissism and healthy narcissism underlies one's sense of
63:59 self-esteem regulates one's sense of self-worth gives one self-confidence
64:06 since there is healthy narcissism we should have something we should have a narcissistic motification also in the
64:12 case of healthy people but healthy people have numerous defense mechanisms
64:18 primitive less primitive highly evolved socially embedded and contextualized defense mechanisms so healthy people emerge from motification almost
64:29 instantly by drawing on ego resources and outside resources which the narcissist doesn't have because it doesn't have a functioning ego narcissist has only primitive defense
64:42 mechanisms primitive childlike infantile and these are his only protections
64:48 against a hostile harsh jungle out there
64:54 and when these defenses fall apart he falls apart and this process of falling apart is called decompensation defense mechanisms compensate for the
65:06 unsavory unpalatable unacceptable aspects of reality and when they
65:12 disappear when they are no longer available to the narcissist there is a process of decompensation inability to
65:18 compensate reality invades like a tsunami like a tidal wave invades the narcissist
65:26 emptiness in effect fills him up with tremendous pain and hurt unleashes his
65:35 buried repressed and denied negative emotionality from his early childhood
65:41 and he is he becomes effectively a borderline his emotions are disregulated
65:48 his moods become labile he becomes to all intents and purposes psychonamically
65:54 a borderline motification pushes the narcissist to become a borderline it is a result what is motification happens
66:02 when the narcissist is exposed to a deeply traumatizing deeply challenging
66:08 deeply humiliating event and so the narcissist copes with
66:14 motification and with such events in one of two ways he can render the motification external he can convert it to external motification what does it mean external
66:26 motification is when the narcissist casts himself presents himself believes
66:32 that he is a helpless victim he adopts the victim stance
66:39 he pretends he doesn't pretend he believes he's fully convinced that he had been victimized by malicious envious envious or mentally ill people
66:52 and so he transfers he transfers the shame and the humiliation and the guilt
66:59 sometimes and the responsibility and the locus of control to evil outsiders
67:07 and this preserves his self-image as a good person a morally upright person who
67:13 did nothing who had done nothing wrong who did not deserve such treatment but
67:19 if you if your fate and life and mental health and well-being and welfare and
67:27 ability to function if they are controlled of all these are controlled from the outside it's very frightening
67:34 it's threatening about and it pushes you to depression when the narcissist chooses the external
67:42 to externalize the motification he becomes clinically depressed we can
67:48 we are beginning to see glimmers of what I'm about to tell you motification seems to regulate moods and effects it is a
67:58 regulator now border lines and to a large extent narcissists but not only histrionics schizoids paranoids they have a problem with emotional dysregulation um motification
68:14 forces them to make a choice in terms of moodability for example it forces them
68:20 to choose depression it's like what we call in quantum mechanics the collapse
68:27 of the wave function there are many possibilities happiness depression this that and the modification pushes them to
68:34 make a final choice and to adopt depression the depressive stance
68:40 and so by the way in in psychoanalytic terms this is a regressive phase it's
68:46 regressing to the paranoid schizoid phase of Melan Klein but we'll leave it aside for a minute function number one of modification reducing mood liability
68:57 by settling on a specific move mood by a collapse of the wave function of moods
69:03 in quantum mechanic terms this is function number one but there is also emotional dysregulation enhanced emotional dysregulation after motification
69:15 there's the narcissist is a wash with negative emotionality had he been a
69:22 borderline he would have been pushed to suicide indeed many many think that narcissistic motification is
69:28 life-threatening i wouldn't go that far but some scholars do especially in the 1950s
69:35 so one option is to choose external motification then there's a second option to choose internal motification
69:42 internal motification is when the narcissist says "It's my fault i made it
69:48 happen my for example my abuse pushed her to misbehave this way my my lack of
69:56 agreeableness my disagreeableness um force people to humiliate me so he
70:04 accepts his contributions to the mortifying event and he also accepts his
70:11 ensuing responsibility if he if he actually engineered the event if he led
70:17 inexurably to the event if he pushed everyone present to humiliate him to
70:24 torture him to mock him to to you know impinge on his interests whatever if he
70:30 pushed people to misbehave then he's responsible for it it's an acceptance of responsibility and contribution and of
70:38 course by refraraming the event this way the narcissist restores his sense of mastery his sense of control over the situation i made it happen his sense of
70:49 control of others i pushed them they were my pawns they didn't it's it's like
70:55 Jesus says in the New Testament forgive them father for they know not what they are doing
71:01 so they didn't know what they were doing i push them and and uh this position is very comforting as a narcissist says well I'm in control
71:12 of such situations I can prevent them from happening but this pushes him to be
71:18 hypervigilant to be paranoid to develop referential ideation to develop a secretary
71:25 delusions because if if he's in control and if he can push people and and so on
71:33 so forth he needs to be on his toes to prevent this from from happening again
71:39 he needs to be on his toes in both cases if people are evil and malicious he needs to be on his toes he needs to be on his guard people are going to out to get him they're about to hurt him
71:52 they're about to torture him and torment him and taunt him and humiliate him and mock him and worse he needs he needs to
71:59 be careful so this this creates hypervigilance paranoid ideiation secretary delusions referential ideation
72:06 etc but there is the same response when there is internal motification because in internal motification it is the narcissist who make make it
72:19 happen makes it happen he sort of brings it upon himself and in this case the hypervigilance is self-directed
72:30 the paranoid and referential ideation is self-directed the persary delusions are
72:36 self delusions so we have two solutions external motification with outward
72:43 directed paranoia and internal motification with inward inwarddirected paranoia one could call it hypervigilance and
72:54 autovigilance if you wish that's a very interesting statement because we have disorders with
73:02 autolastic defenses these disorders used to be called neurosis it seems that we no longer use this term more or less but neurosis at the time
73:13 there were disorders of autovigilance when the patient took responsibility for
73:19 everything bad and wrong that had happened in her life and consequently was very afraid of herself as her worst enemy i've seen the enemy and it is I
73:32 and so it seems that motification first of all regulates mood makes you
73:39 pushes you pushes the narcissist towards depression if he chooses internal motification and pushes the narcissist towards neurosis
73:50 if he chooses internal motification and in both cases the mediating vector the
73:57 mediating resource resource is paranoia so motification
74:04 motification engenders paranoia creates provokes paranoia but then the only
74:10 question left is the paranoia directed outward in which case there's depression or is it directed inward in which case there's neurosis now it sounds to you like
74:23 dah like so what but it's a big deal trust me I'll tell you in a minute why
74:29 after I get some liquid courage
74:35 is there anything better than red wine yes more red wine okay why is it a big
74:42 deal it's a big deal because in the past all the greatest minds of psychology made a distinction between psychosis and neurosis
74:53 there were the neurosis multiple and there were the psychosis multiple
74:59 and it seems that motification can create a bridge between neurosis and
75:06 psychosis it can create a bridge between internal objects interpreted as external objects in external modification and external
75:18 objects interpreted as internal objects in case of internal modification remember when external objects are interpreted as when external objects are
75:29 interpreted as internal that's narcissism when internal objects are interpreted as
75:36 external that's psychosis and motification allows you both depending
75:42 which type you choose you it's like there's a menu when you're motified as a narcissist you have a menu or the metro comes to the table and says m you can
75:54 choose one of two we today we have plur today we have an offer external
76:01 motification and we give you the option of depression and the other dish is internal modification we give the option
76:08 of neurosis in the first case essentially essentially you react you have
76:14 narcissistic defenses narcissistic ancient primitive structures are activated melanic Klein would have
76:21 appreciated this and in the second case neurotic structures are activated and in
76:28 both cases in both cases there's an a god-awful almighty confusion between
76:34 internal objects and external objects it seems that the mechanism that causes us
76:41 to confuse internal and external objects is not actually trauma but is the
76:48 reaction to events which is motification we may have to reconsider
76:55 whether narcissism borderline etc etc are post-traumatic events or
77:01 postmortification events and you can say what's the difference trauma creates motification not really first of all
77:09 most traumas don't create motification but trauma
77:15 trauma is exclusively
77:21 usually exclusively the outcome the outcome of reaction to events
77:30 that is not mediated via an interpretative framework in other
77:37 words trauma is direct you you experience something and there's
77:45 trauma there's no middle stage where you analyze
77:51 think about it reframe it put it in context you don't have time to activate
77:57 any defense mechanism there's an event in immediate trauma it's a direct so
78:03 direct I mean the the traumatic response is so immediate that there is good reason to suggest
78:11 that trauma is simply a dysfunction of reality testing not actually not actually um a real wound or real injury or real
78:23 but simply misapprehending reality and misapprehending reality in a way that is
78:30 very threatening of course so you could say that trauma is subspecies of paranoia
78:36 paranoia is the same it's triggered immediately without mediation so trauma is when you confront a
78:44 potentially mortifying event and you immediately react
78:50 by developing a full-fledged monopoly of cognitions and emotions which are integrated cohesively into a narrative which we later call trauma that's trauma
79:01 motification is not the same you can have motification 5 days later 5 months later even years later motification
79:10 first under goes a phase of cognitive an analysis
79:16 the emotions are not on the surface there's no access to most of these emotions because they're very
79:22 threatening there is in other words um trauma first happens then is dissociated so the sequence in trauma is event trauma dissociation
79:38 the sequence in motification is event dissociation mortification it's a very very important distinction
79:49 very crucial distinction because in the case of trauma it is already cognitively
79:55 and emotionally processed reaction to the event it's a choice in other words
80:02 the case of motification I'm sorry in the case of motification I repeat I'm sorry I misled you in the case of motification it's cognitively and emotionally processed reaction to the event so motification is
80:17 a choice trauma is not a choice trauma is very similar to what Freud called up reaction
80:24 trauma is totally a totally automated process it's not a choice
80:31 it's I would say a constitutional propensity constitutional defect
80:37 i don't know what else what other words to use um it it's like the person is
80:43 trauma ready it's like high definition ready television is trauma ready and
80:49 this is his mode of reacting to reality this is the language he uses to process
80:56 reality and to try to act within reality self-efficaciously motification is not like trauma because motification requires a phase of
81:09 analyzing what had happened and then allowing yourself to experience the reactive emotions the emotions in
81:16 reaction to what had happened there's processing involved and only then you can feel motif but this processing is
81:23 unconscious is dissociated summary trauma is event
81:31 and then trauma so trauma is totally automatic reaction to event if you have the tendency to
81:40 process reality via trauma so reality trauma forgetting about it dissociation
81:48 opposite reality dissociating the reality forgetting about it background
81:54 unconscious processing cognitive and emotional and then motification very
82:01 crucial observation and then according to the choice you make because you process everything cognitively and emotionally then you make a choice do I
82:08 prefer an external trauma or do I prefer an external motification or do I prefer internal modification if you choose
82:14 external modification you end up depressed depression you regulate your mood you prefer to
82:21 regulate your mood than to regulate your cognition or your emotion you think your mood is the main threat so you choose external motification and you end up choosing make making a choice of
82:33 depression you regulate your mood badly it's a bad choice but it's better than up and down the other option is internal modification where you actually regulate
82:45 your emotions and your cognitions in ways which are neurotic autoplastic for
82:52 example you blame yourself okay we said in earlier videos that collapse and
82:58 motification regulate moods but they also regulate something much more
83:04 important switching between self states now what is called diagnosis in the diagnostic and statistical manual what is called personality disorders that's very antiquated notion this notion is
83:17 like at least 50 years old if not 60 we don't think about these things this way
83:23 anymore it's very good for insurance purposes it's very good for pharmaceutical companies and you know
83:29 medical doctors and hospitals but scholars in the field we don't think about it this way we think in terms of
83:36 post-traumatic conditions dissociation self states we don't think in terms of personality disorder this is very old
83:43 thinking so personality disorders are self states and because there are self
83:50 states and because disordered people have many self states you can easily switch from one so-called diagnosis to another so-called diagnosis you can
84:01 easily switch from one personality disorder to another personality disorder you can switch from one self state to
84:07 another self state for example border lines under stress anticipating rejection and humiliation and abandonment borderline switch from one self state the borderline self state to
84:20 another self state the secondary psychopath selfate that's an example
84:26 similarly narcissists switch from the narcissistic grandio self state to the
84:32 paranoid selfate we all switch i mean mentally ill people mentally disordered
84:38 people switch between self states what is the trigger what decides if there is
84:44 switching or not motification and collapse motification and collapse they
84:51 are the triggers and the bridges they cause the covert narcissist to
84:57 become overt the overt to become covert the somatic to become cerebral the cerebral to become somatic the inverted to become overt the borderline to become psychopath the psychopath to become
85:09 narcissist the narcissist to become borderline all these things happen daily all the time to all people with so-called personality disorder any therapist will confirm this and any
85:22 spouse any intimate partner of a person of someone with personality disorder will
85:29 confirm this narcissists often are obsessivecompulsive obsessive compulsive are grandio grandiose people are paranoid and everyone will tell you that making these artificial distinctions between personality disorder is nothing short of counterfactual
85:46 it's psychologyy's fantasy it's not true it's simply not true
85:52 and in the ICD11 they are thinking of UNIF putting everything under one one diagnosis personality disorder which is something I've been advocating since 1995 but what I've added in the last
86:04 four years is the the mechanical psychonamic explanation why people shift
86:11 between these so-called diagnosis because they are motifed and when they're motified they are faced with a
86:19 choice they have to process the the events they analyze them cognitively they
86:26 experience them emotionally and all of this happens in the unconscious and then they make a choice it could be a mood
86:33 effective choice i choose depression or it could be a neurotic choice choice of
86:39 neurosis i accept responsibility and so on but in both cases they transition to
86:45 another diagnosis another type the covert goes through mortification
86:52 and if he becomes for example u neurotic if he chooses neurosis he's he becomes
86:59 instantly overt because what is neurosis is to say I was in control i did
87:06 everything it all happened because of me that's a grandio statement covert narcissists who make grandio statements
87:14 openly they are not covert anymore they're open they are overt
87:20 so through such a through such processing of the motification the covert becomes overt and that's only one example similarly the borderline if the
87:31 borderline chooses internal motification for example she anticipates abandonment and or she has been humiliated or she's been rejected openly rejected by someone border lines cannot cannot digest and
87:45 cannot assimilate rejection abandonment and humiliation so when this happens to them they're motifed the minute they are
87:52 motifed they they begin to process the motification uh the processing time in borderline is very very brief it's days hours
88:03 sometimes minutes and so they process the motification cognitively they process the motification emotionally it
88:09 all happens in the background in the unconscious the borderline just feels ill at ease the uncomfortable because
88:17 egoisty is growing as the processing continues egoiston is growing and so at some point the motification becomes conscious yes the processing is finished and it
88:28 becomes conscious and then the borderline has to make a choice do I want to be depressed or do I want to be
88:35 neurotic if she chooses neurosis she transitions to secondary psychopath
88:42 because what is neurosis what is the internal motification solution it's to say I'm in control i am the master i'm
88:51 going to decide how things are going to happen that's defiance that's lack of impulse control that's
88:57 recklessness these are all features of the psychopath so she becomes psychopathic because she
89:04 had chosen the internal motification thing but what happens if she choose chooses the external motification and
89:11 she becomes depressed well we have a combination of borderline with depressive aspects and of course what is
89:18 a borderline with depressive aspects it's a covert narcissist it's a covert
89:25 narcissist because her grandiosity is preserved but her depression pushes her into a schisoid position into the background away from people and if you
89:36 put all these together you get a covert but not any covert covert narcissist
89:42 similarly I can show you how applying these simple principles give you gives
89:48 you any diagnosis any diagnosis within the personality disorders space schizoid I mean paranoid
89:56 you name it I here's a game for you sit at home write down these principles principle motification unconscious processing and then you can choose depression or neurosis in depression you're not in control in depression you're controlled
90:12 from the outside in roses you control okay simple principles take them use
90:18 them use them apply them to personality disorders and see the amazing results
90:24 you easily transition from narcissist to schizoid from schizoid to borderline from borderline to paranoid immediately
90:31 you see they are all facets of one single clinical entity it's so obvious
90:37 okay I want to talk uh to say a word or two about hoovering and I will let you go
90:44 having hoovered you into this video um
90:50 when you dump the narcissist when you abandon when you break up with the narcissist and even when the narcissist discards you even when he discards you
90:58 discarding you when the narcissist discards you that's internal motification the narcissist has failed
91:06 otherwise why would he have to discard you for example the if he discards you and he devalues you he has to admit that
91:13 he had made a mistake when he had idealized you if I if I if I say to
91:19 myself she's stupid and ugly i have to get rid of her I also instantly have to ask myself then how come did you how come did you consider her beautiful and intelligent only two years ago were you wrong then or are you wrong now are you
91:36 capable of being wrong the discard phase is a challenge to grandiosity
91:42 because to devalue your intimate partner and then to discard her you must admit
91:48 that you had made a mistake when you had idealized her so there's a mortification
91:54 there and exactly this motification
92:00 pushes the narcissist to hoover because even the discard
92:06 and of course when you break up with the narcissist or you dump him or you cheat on him all these events are motifying
92:13 events and it's a challenge to the narcissist's grandiosity he needs to resolve the motification
92:20 and he resolves the motification by converting it into either external or
92:26 internal in a minute we'll connect it to Hoovery the narcissist when he discards
92:32 you devalues and discards you or when you devalue and discard the narcissist
92:38 because you remember this process of idealization is mutual the narcissist
92:44 idealizes you you idealize the narcissist it's co- idealization core idealization devaluation is the same core devaluation you devalue the
92:55 narcissist the narcissist devalues you whichever the case may be it's modifying if you are the one who had dumped the narcissist it's definitely motifing if he is the one who had discarded you he
93:06 has to admit that he had made a mistake when he had idealized you that's motifing it's a challenge to grandiosity
93:13 so he can then choose once mortification sets in he he must choose between external and internal he can say well good riddance she's a she's stupid
93:25 she's ugly she's fat she's old she's whatever so
93:31 external motification involves overt devaluation blaming the other she's evil she's
93:39 malicious she conspired against me she stabbed me in the back she betrayed me
93:45 stella motification is transferring the locus of control to you but this creates narcissistic injury it's it's it's a horrible narcissistic
93:56 injury because the it means that the narcissist is handing the locus of
94:02 control to you you are in control you had implemented your evil scheme and
94:08 he was your raw material the narcissist was a victim being a victim and being
94:15 God you know doesn't sit well together god is not a victim god's son was a
94:21 victim but God is not a victim so it's a problem for the narcissist to maintain both simultaneously you know it creates
94:28 what we call cognitive dissonance on the one hand the narcissist believes himself to be God and on the other hand here he
94:36 is the victim of a woman he had just devalued so he is not only a victim he's a victim of an inferior person motifying
94:47 if he chooses internal motification it's even worse because he says you know I
94:53 pushed her away i made her cheat on me i abused her i mistreated her i rejected her and humiliated her and abandoned her long before she did i'm still in control i made this happen okay if you're still
95:06 in control and you made this happen you made what happen you made what happen
95:13 you destroyed your relationship you proved yourself an idiot for having idealized the wrong person what did you
95:19 make happen so in both cases there's a challenge of grandiosity the only way to
95:25 restore the grandiosity is to hoover you hoovering is about restoring grandiosity
95:32 end of story there's no other motive to hoovering people keep asking me "Why does he hoover me?" He has you know another source of supply he's married he's you know he's hoovering you
95:46 not because not only when he doesn't have other sources of supply that's functional hoovering and that's not okay he is hoovering you not not usually he
95:57 he is trying to hoover you mainly to restore his grandiosity very on very few
96:04 occasions it has to do with practical functional utilitarian thinking like I
96:10 don't have a source of supply i'll go back to Amanda or I don't have a I don't have a shared fantasy let's try to reestablish a shared fantasy and I will re idealize Amanda so that can fit into
96:22 the new shared fantasy it's hard work to hoover to re idealize it's
96:28 counterfactual you have to fight your your yourself you have to and again you have to admit that you're wrong because
96:34 you had devalued Amanda only two weeks ago why are you hoovering her now i mean two weeks ago she was an idiot stupid ugly what happened in these two weeks i
96:45 mean that's the fastest diet on earth if so there's a lot of there are many internal
96:52 contradictions in hoovering it's a very fraught and problematic process for the narcissist so he hoovers you to restore
96:58 his grandiosity and the aim even sometimes unconscious aim is to hoover
97:05 you and then when he succeeds to immediately dump you vindictively a lot
97:12 of hoovering is concerned with revenge with punishment hoovering is intended to reaffirm the narcissist's grandiosity i'm
97:23 irresistible i'm amazing i'm the one and only i'm unique she can't find a substitute for me so this is reaffirmation of grandiosity rebuilding it the second reason is to punish you
97:36 for your transgression transgressions for not fitting in into the shed fantasy for not fulfilling your
97:43 maternal maternal role for failing as a mother for not being his admirer and fan
97:49 unthinking admirer and fan for not catering to his sexual kinkiness and
97:55 sadism for letting him down and and disappointing him by not agreeing to
98:01 participate in his adventures as a playmate there are numerous reasons why you had let why you had kind of let him
98:09 down and and these are transgressions especially if you cheated on him or stole his money or something if you if you did if you really did something not okay if you had misbehaved so he needs to punish you for the transgressions
98:21 motive number one restore grandiosity motive motive number two punish her it's
98:27 a penal punitive measure and reason number number three is to teach
98:34 you to behave yourself in the future to condition you hoovering is a form of
98:40 operant conditioning it's a form of intermittent reinforcement i discard you
98:46 i hoover you i discard you i hoover you hot and cold warm and and freezing
98:52 loving hating it's intermittent reinforcement and it creates trauma bonding hoovering is a long-term
99:01 um non non-contemporous non-continous that means it's a long-term form of intermittent reinforcement where the reinforcement the opposite reinforcement comes a bit later is divorced in time because most intermittent reinforcement is immediate
99:19 I am I hate you now I love you in two hours this is I hate you now I love you in two years so it's very very long intermediate reinforcement But it is and
99:30 it creates trauma bonding it teaches you to behave yourself in the future it's exactly like house breaking a pet you
99:37 house break your dog you housebreak your cat don't pee on the carpet and don't pee on Sam
99:44 etc so um he's domesticating you he's
99:50 conditioning you and molding you pyon galatia style to be his perfect
99:56 um snapshot he is reverting you to the snapshot so that you can fulfill your
100:04 role in a shared fantasy these are the functions of hoovering and it's intimately connected to the
100:10 mortification that he had experienced when his grandiosity had been challenged in the disintegration of the shared fantasy when in the face that the shared fantasy
100:21 disintegrates whichever solution he chooses internal modification or external modification his grandiosity is severely tested if he chooses external
100:33 motification you control the situation you had the upper hand you in your evil mind wicked schemes and so on you destroyed him he
100:44 had been the victim but that means that he's helpless he's not omnipotent he's not godlike that's motification if he
100:51 chooses internal motification he stupidly destroyed the shared fantasy
100:57 he misjudged you when he had idealized you it reflects badly on him it also leads to motification and motification
101:04 forces him forces him to compensate by hoovering hoovering is a compensatory
101:11 grandiosity rec re restructuring or grandiosity reconstruction measure which
101:17 at the same time molds you changes you conditions you and transforms you to
101:23 become such a partner in a future shared fantasy which will not force who will
101:29 not force the shared fantasy again into bankruptcy be the right partner background noise fan admirer sexual sex slave mother
101:44 got it kiddos okay until next time
101:58 during this pandemic I've introduced you to many new concepts
102:06 concepts such as shared fantasy motification
102:12 dissociation secondary psychopathy all these concepts are relatively new
102:19 shared fantasy was first described in 1989 the same year that covert narcissism had been um first diagnosed
102:28 so what I will attempt to do in this video is to provide you with checklists
102:37 checklists bullet points signs one two three four tests tests
102:46 that you can apply at home just follow the algorithm
102:52 apply the tests the list of signs the list of behaviors the lists of symptoms
102:59 in order to reach a conclusion what is it which animal is it that you're
103:05 dealing with and I'm going to dissect disembowel
103:11 eviscerate and analyze all the typical behaviors of the
103:17 narcissist within the cycle of the shared fantasy and this is going to be in capsule form so you're going to have a short list for
103:28 modification a short list for shared fantasy etc etc etc and I hope you find
103:34 it helpful there's also a link at the description in the description there's a link where you can download a PDF file
103:43 with the entire text of this video except my jokes which are proprietary
103:51 and this famous announcement my name is Sam Vaknin and I I am the author of
103:58 malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a host of books ebooks
104:04 videos etc etc about pathological narcissism and personality disorders i'm
104:10 also also I insist a professor of psychology
104:16 so let's dive right in scuba gear and all shall we
104:23 let's start with a list of rom a test for romantic jealousy
104:29 how do you know if your narcissist is romantically jealous or not now you remember that narcissists are actually rarely romantically jealous or possessive when they are faced with
104:41 abandonment they become possessive but generally they're not still there are
104:47 certain relationships certain intimate relationships where the narcissist does actually become
104:55 romantically jealous and here are here are the three signs
105:01 when the narcissist is attached to his intimate partner in a way that he
105:09 mispersceives as love when the narcissist tells himself that he is in love with his intimate partner he
105:17 socializes with her friends and family as well if he is not in love with her he
105:24 rejects her friends and family this is test number one does he agree to
105:30 socialize with your friends and family test number two when the narcissist tells himself that he's in love with an
105:37 intimate partner he does react to triangulation if he does not love the intimate partner he does not react at all with jealousy with competitiveness or with possessiveness never mind what you do with other men even in his presence test
105:55 number three women tend to conform well we are talking I'm using the the gender
106:02 pronouns loosely it it applies vice versa that means when I say he it applies to a she when I say she it
106:09 applies to a he so in the case of a heterosexual male narcissist
106:15 women tend to conform to the narcissist expectations they tend to mold themselves in order to
106:22 please the narcissist when the narcissist loves a woman she would tend
106:28 to play and act the narcissists are very attracted to this specific type of
106:35 woman we're going to discuss it a bit later so the changes in your own
106:41 behavior if you find yourself that you're more shall we say slutish more flirtatious more seductive more open to the advances sexual and emotional advances of other men it's an indicator that your narcissist actually
106:57 considers himself to be in love with you similarly if your narcissist is not in love with you you would tend to act as a homely service provider a housekeeper
107:09 personal assistant a housewife let's recap the tests how do you know if
107:16 your narcissist thinks that he is in love with you how do you know if your narcissist is romantically jealous one
107:23 he socializes with your friends and family two he reacts to your misbehavior
107:29 with other men including triangulation number three you change you tend to
107:35 become more and more open not to say slottish with other men in his presence
107:43 how do we know how do you know if the narcissist is motifed or is it only narcissistic injury how can you tell if
107:51 the narcissist had been is in the throws of mortification or if he's just sulking
107:57 because he had been narcissistically injured when the narcissist admits
108:05 that admits to being abusive sadistic crazy his own worst enemy
108:14 when he says "I inflict unendurable pain on myself by knowingly um hurting people
108:21 and abusing them." If he owns up to his predatory behavior that's sign of
108:28 motification sign number two if he begins to self-deprecate if he says that even that other men are vastly preferable to him
108:39 he would say "I'm not good for you go look for some other men." You know if he presents himself as irredeemably inferior disabled not superior infantile
108:51 or not a man at all that's sign number two sign number three
108:57 for mortification if he feels disrespected if he berates himself if he feels that people people fear him or hate him or
109:09 are revolted by him in other words if he detects negative emotionality in other
109:15 people negative reactions in other people that's a sign of motification
109:21 number four if he feels that he is not loved that he is not safe that his needs
109:28 and his health are no one's priorities that even his most profound need weighs
109:35 less than the most trifling desire or wish of his nearest and dearest that's a
109:42 sign of mortification and the last sign of mortification is when he feels that he is gullible that he's being gaslighted or that he is an
109:53 easy mark when he feels that other people are malevolent and malicious and conspire
110:00 against him and target him and that he is easy prey and he explains it uh with the because of the shared fantasy he says "I'm like that because of the shared fantasy i live in fantasy or I'm in a post-traumatic state or I'm dissociating
110:17 i can't remember things or my reality testing is short i don't gauge reality properly or I'm grandiose or I'm disempathic i don't have enough empathy i can't read people can't read social
110:28 cues or sexual cues or body language if he admits to any of these things there's a sure sign of motification
110:36 narcissists behave in these five ways only only and exclusively when they are
110:42 mortified not when they are narcissistically injured not when they go through a life crisis not in any other circumstance these are the five signs of motification
110:55 okay why does this cerebral schizoid narcissist accepts cheating within his
111:03 shared fantasy narcissists are terrified and nosiated
111:09 by the perfidy deceptiveness and promiscuity of women
111:16 precisely because they have a preference for this potentially mortifying profile in mate selection i'm going to increase
111:22 the font because I'm exceedingly old and I can't see anything right so
111:30 they're attracted to these kind of women and they are terrified of their own um attraction so to survive the narcissist
111:37 needs either to avoid women altogether which makes him infinitely sad or to accept that in order to persevere and survive within his increasingly more
111:48 sexless shared fantasy his intimate partner has to meet her or his sexual
111:54 needs and emotional needs with other men um within the shared fantasy the
112:01 narcissist is a child or a father but never an adult man and he accepts that
112:08 while his partner should have the liberty and the will to outsource her
112:14 sexual and emotional needs to team up to find love and intimacy in sex with other
112:20 men he doesn't have he's not allowed to do the same he's prohibited from doing
112:26 the same and he acquiesces he accepts this glaring asymmetry this bizarre
112:32 arrangement for various reasons number one as long as there are no indications of imminent abandonment he doesn't care if she is with other men but he knows
112:43 that she would be hurt and she would feel insecure were he to have any interaction with other women of course
112:51 remember the gender pronouns are interchangeable he she she he reason number two he should be grateful to to his intimate partner for any time spent with him and on his knees he is so
113:04 broken and so damaged and so mentally ill irredeemably mentally ill that her presence in his life is a sacrifice on her part she's doing him a huge favor he has no right and is in no position to establish boundaries or rules and to
113:20 enforce them he needs to become un unbounded otherwise she would just walk away
113:28 number three she is an adult he is not she needs mature conventional
113:34 reciprocated and regular sex and intimacy he does not so he has to compromise he has to sacrifice in order
113:42 to allow her to secure her needs and to make sure that she's present in his life
113:49 to secure her commitment to the relationship he needs to let her go he needs to free her um the cerebral narcissist intimate partners are virtual
114:01 singles that's when a married woman behaves as a single um she's a virtual
114:07 single she's married to or she's in a relationship with a petuline child or a
114:13 stern father at home dating others is the only outlet and the only escape and
114:22 it's easily provable that the cerebral schizoid narcissist has an infantile and
114:29 immature state of mind not that of an adult man only during an active shared
114:35 fantasy such a narcissist experiences fear of loss and abandonment separation
114:41 anxiety so only during a shared fantasy he is capable of experiencing romantic
114:48 jealousy when he is faced with abandonment but he never experiences competition with other men as all males
114:55 do the cerebral schizoid has only the first typical of a pre-edipo child
115:05 um only the first attribute abandonment anxiety he rarely has romantic jealousy when he's faced with abandonment actual
115:12 abandonment and he never competes with other males he gives up if a male approaches his intimate partner he would just give up he would not protest he would not stand up to his rights he
115:23 would not challenge nothing you just walk away um the fourth reason he can have sex only within a shared fantasy a new
115:35 relationship so cerebral schizoid narcissist to have sex needs to abandon
115:41 his intimate partner and find a new one his intimate partner on the other hand
115:47 can compartmentalize she can have sex and love intimacy with other men and she can still stay or
115:55 remain in his life within the shared fantasy and mother him and service him
116:02 the next reason any new shared fantasy will end the same way with sexlessness and acrimony so why bother as long as he is getting supply and services however
116:13 meager better stay put and forget about sex he moves on to a new shared fantasy
116:19 only when two of the three S's are missing to remind you the three S's are
116:25 supply sadistic and narcissistic sex and services when two of the three are missing um the woman the intimate partner had come to replicate his bad
116:38 dead mother she had become his dead mother and she had failed in her role as a good enough mother which he perceives as betrayal the next reason for the asymmetric
116:50 arrangement where the intimate partner can cheat and the cerebral schizoid narcissist cannot only mentally ill
116:57 broken damaged and traumatized women succumb to the narcissist
117:03 psychosexuality only such women enter the shared fantasy and this poses of course serious risks
117:10 exposure blackmail suicide criminal liability so scouting for a new shared
117:16 fantasy is an absolute desperate last resort next reason is that the cerebral
117:22 schizoid narcissist successfully sublimates his autoerotic sadistic kinky
117:28 sex drive he really prefers solitary activities such as I don't know reading
117:34 books watching movies to sex and he is far more gratified by these activities as well the biological drive of this schizoid cerebral narcissist is entirely satisfied with pornography his psychosexual kink and sadism require a
117:50 compliant life body but the prize is not worth the price so he suppresses his urges he suppresses his drive exactly the same way for example practitioners of pedophilia or other paraphilas suppress their drive their sex drive in
118:07 order not to harm children or latent homosexuals who are not out did not out
118:14 they also suppress their drive rejecting women frustrating and humiliating them when he cannot have them for his sadistic pleasures sometimes this kind of of causing pain is preferable to sex
118:28 as good as sex feels as good as sex and finally allowing the partner to cheat on
118:34 him restores the narcissist's delusion of being in control i made her do it she
118:40 had my blessing and she had my permission and it restores his status as
118:46 the morally upright victim okay that's the bullet list for
118:52 unilateral cheating or legitimized cheating in relationships with cerebral
118:58 scheoid narcissists that the narcissist cerebral autoomatic ends up with
119:12 dependent codependent immature women borderline estrionic narcissistic or psychopathic features is totally understandable
119:24 only broken damaged traumatized women would be attracted to the narcissist
119:30 emanations and his magic spell during the love bombing or grooming phase
119:38 but narcissists also end up uh conjuring shared fantasies with
119:45 totally healthy women women with a healthy sex drive
119:52 women who are boundaried women who are self-sufficient in the best sense of the word why at all why do they seek the company of women at all
120:05 and again genders are interchangeable got it if I say he you can replace it with she why does the narcissist seek to have a
120:16 shared fantasy at all if he is so averse to intimacy
120:22 if he regards emotions as a form of weakness if he um is incapable of maintaining regular
120:34 sexuality regular sexual relationships in the relations in the long term why team up with with women at all even the somatic narcissist becomes
120:47 asexual after a while with the same woman that's why he needs to change them so often
120:53 so the narcissist enjoys sex only when he is grooming a new partner for an emerging shared fantasy once a partner
121:01 is acquired and secured the narcissist becomes essentially celibate loses all interest in sex so why go through the inevitable deception the acrimony in the wake of inelectable sexlessness there are 10 good reasons i promised you
121:17 bullet lists so here's another one number one choosing
121:23 um an asexual woman a woman who is sex averse either because of her traumatic experiences or because she has a very low sex drive a hyposexual woman that would defeat the purpose
121:39 the purpose is to create an illusion a delusion and a self delusion of normaly
121:47 the narcissist tries to broadcast to the world and to convince himself that
121:53 nothing's wrong with him that he is actually normal it's the same motivation
121:59 that drives latent homosexuals to get married still trying to it's a form of
122:05 virtue signaling i'm not homosexual everything is okay with me not that anything is wrong with homosexuality
122:12 don't misunderstand me but many homosexuals who are latent didn't out
122:18 um do think that homosexuality is a problem and until 1973 by the way homosexuality used to be a mental health
122:25 diagnosis in the diagnostic and statistical manner anyhow narcissists are trying to tell everyone "Look at me
122:32 normal i have a normal wife i have normal kids i have a normal life so choosing an asexual woman defeats the
122:40 purpose number two sex even the memory of sex guarantees addiction sex and the memories of sex guarantee addiction and addiction guarantees no abandonment
122:56 if the woman get gets addicted to the narcissist she will not abandon him even when the stop the sex stops it's it is a continuing delusional hope
123:09 that things will get better the the narcissist binds the woman powerfully
123:15 and this reduces the risk of abandonment and he does this via sparkling
123:22 scintillating sex at the beginning technical fireworks
123:29 reason number three to convert his partner into a bed for secretary objects
123:35 thereby justifying and perpetuating the narcissist's moral superiority and
123:41 victim stance i'm a victim a morally superior she is cheating on me she is
123:48 not having sex with me number four to reenact early childhood traumas with his
123:55 rejecting absent dead mother number five to test his partner's unconditional love
124:03 and allegiance i'm going to be asexual or sexless let's
124:09 see how long you're going to love me let's see how long you're going to remain faithful let's see how long it will take you to betray me stab me in the back and cheat on me it's a test
124:22 number six to control his partner via her guilt and shame over her inevitable
124:30 misbehavior with men as she seeks to cater to her most fundamental and basic
124:36 needs of love intimacy and sex number seven
124:42 sexlessness legitimizes sexlessness and the inevitable inelectable betrayal or
124:49 cheating or abandonment legitimizes defiance and contempt for
124:56 the partner restores a sense of grandiosity she has to answer for her misdeeds she
125:03 has to deceive and pretend and act she has to be scared and walk on actuals
125:09 while the cerebral narcissist or the narcissist observes observes her observes her pitiful squirming and he does this smuggly and then he
125:21 forgives her magnanimously in a theatrical dramatic act reason number
125:27 eight allowing the partner total freedom including the freedom to cheat and misbehave with others
125:34 this total freedom guarantees that she will stay out of the narcissist's
125:40 affairs she will let him be and the narcissist delights in solitary
125:47 pursuits within his soypistic black hole all narcissists even somatic ones even
125:55 gregarious ones even pro-social and communal ones all of them have a schisoid core gregariousness comes at a cost
126:06 narcissists have to pretend and act it's energy depleting they want to be left alone most of the time number nine pushing the partner to cheat collusive
126:19 infidelity mazoistically is an act of mazoism it is intended to mocistically
126:26 punish the narcissist for his own self-loathing and self-hatred
126:32 owing to his disabling mental illness the narcissist perceives himself as bed
126:38 unworthy object in such ma machinations
126:44 driving his intimate partners to misbehave this guarantees extreme pain and finally mortification
126:51 and the and number 10 sadistic narcissists which are a small minority
126:57 of narcissists use sex withdrawal to punish and control their partners
127:05 why remain in an abusive dead relationship why be constantly betrayed humiliated
127:12 and reduced because multiple relationship had failed in the
127:19 past multiple relationship failures in the past had convinced the narcissist
127:26 that he can do no better so why bother to try again with someone else and this applies equally well to codependence border lines anyone honestly anyone with
127:38 mental illness anyone with bipolar disorder anyone with depression anyone
127:44 anyone with schizoid personality disorder anyone who's a paranoid anyone who's a schizophrent
127:58 uninterrupted stream of failed painful hurtful damaging
128:05 destructive ive mortifying relationships so why go through it again if you have a
128:11 personality disorder for example such gloomy self-d disparagement is fully
128:17 justified and realistic all future leazones are doomed and they're doomed to end in acrimony in cheating in hurt and pain why not remain
128:28 single then isn't remaining single preferable to the
128:34 hell of a dysfunctional diet diet d y a d couple
128:41 well remaining s single is of course preferable to engaging in an endless stream of
128:48 failed relationships it is and most mentally ill people most
128:54 people with mental health problems indeed end life all alone in a schisoid
129:01 state but some narcissists require a shared fantasy shared fantasy with an
129:07 insignificant other with an intimate so-called intimate partner and they need their shared fantasy in order to avoid decompensation and depression
129:18 they settle for anything on the table however lured however degrading however
129:24 humiliating they realize that no one is going to agree to to be with them unless unless
129:32 they make massive concessions and so they render themselves unbounded
129:39 doormats and ironically this very prostration
129:45 this very submissiveness and obedience and doormatness this obsequiousness it is exactly the thing that drives their partners away their partners are
129:58 disgusted with the desperation of the narcissist the partner is disappointed
130:05 the partner is angry at herself for having settled for a spineless worm
130:12 rather than a man have been having been repeatedly damaged
130:19 these partners recoil from any attempt by the errant narcissist to hoover
130:26 lovebomb or groom them into a new round of approach avoidance sooner or later
130:32 narcissists end up the same way abandoned time and
130:38 again until it is too late for the narcissist to find the next willing collaborator in his charade of a life
130:47 unlived
130:53 here you go so hello hello everyone and
131:00 today uh we have uh Sam Vaknin here today uh with us and the author of
131:06 malignant self-love narcissism revisited hello Sam hello thank you for having me
131:13 again uh thank you so much because I know that you are busy and um yeah so
131:20 never so busy to talk to you thank you so much today I would love to
131:26 speak with you about mortification uh and my first question will be um what
131:33 is mortification about because um it's difficult topic and not so many people understand what is it and you know yes unfortunately the leading the leading
131:46 videos on narcissistic modifications which were made in the past few weeks are very misleading
131:53 so when you go on YouTube and you type narcissistic modification you get videos from self-styled experts that are
131:59 completely wrong they confuse narcissistic motification with narcissistic injury narcissistic wound
132:07 and narcissistic scar so I suggest to start by defining what what is injury
132:13 wound and scar and then we can go on to discuss narcissistic motification and
132:19 then you will see the huge you will see the huge difference between injury narcissistic injury narcissistic
132:25 motification i'm again warning that the only credible sources for
132:32 information about narcissistic modification in this particular case happen to be on my channel because I have four videos based on the literature on the scholarly literature on the academic literature all other videos
132:45 regrettably are confused completely narcissistic injury and narcissistic modification so you should be very
132:52 careful what you're watching and what you believe once you're watching let's start with definitions narcissistic
132:58 injury and I'm reading is an occasional or circumstantial threat real or
133:05 imagined to the narcissist grandio and fantastic self-perception the false self
133:11 as perfect omnipotent omniscient and entitled to special treatment and recognition regardless of actual
133:18 accomplishments so any threat to this self-perception this inflated grandio self view is narcissistic injury narcissistic wound is a repeated or
133:30 recurrent identical or similar threat in other words narcissistic wound is simply
133:36 narcissistic injury that keeps repeating itself so if you have the same injury
133:42 time and again for example from the same person or in the same environment or
133:48 owing to the same circumstances if the injury repeat itself it becomes a wound and then there is narcissistic scar narcissistic scar is a psychological defense against a narcissistic wound the
134:02 defense is intended to sustain and preserve the narcissist's grandio and fantastic self-perception his false self
134:10 so these are the three things motification has nothing to do with narcissistic injury or narcissistic wound absolutely nothing it's a totally
134:21 different dynamic with totally different outcomes for totally different reasons the ethopathology the ethology the
134:28 causation of motification is very different the the whole process is very different and it's a great u misfortune that people online are confusing the two
134:40 so now if you want we can discuss narcissistic modification yes please
134:46 okay we start with phenomenology how does it look how does modification look
134:53 yeah motification happens only when there is someone a human being who
135:00 aggresses against the narcissist becomes aggressive with the narcissist shouts at the narcissist humiliates the narcissist attacks the narcissist physically verbally psychologically in
135:12 any way so there must be an aggressor condition number one condition number two it must be in public not not privately motification never
135:25 happens privately only in public and not only any public but a public that
135:31 matters to the narcissist for example his his colleagues or his peers or
135:37 people he admires role models and so on so that's the second condition public
135:43 the third condition it must be sudden unexpected unpredictable abrupt so that
135:50 the narcissist is not preparing himself but it's like a thunder and he's shocked
135:56 completely and is without defenses that is a third condition now if these three conditions are met an aggressing person
136:04 person who aggresses against a narcissist suddenly in public the narcissist reacts with narcissistic
136:12 motification consistent motification involves shame humiliation trauma
136:20 real trauma not mini trauma severe trauma depression anxiety
136:27 and all these attack happened to the narcissist at the same moment so he is
136:33 utterly overwhelmed and flooded and this is of course a borderline
136:39 condition this is emotional dysregulation what motification does to the narcissist
136:47 it strips away the defenses the narcissistic defenses like the false self and then what is
136:54 left is actually a borderline someone with borderline personality
137:00 organization or borderline defenses at that moment the narcissist realizes
137:07 the limitations and defects of his true self
137:13 in other words the false self is disabled deactivated we call this
137:19 process decompensation there is no false self separating the narcissist from the world so reality
137:27 impinges on the narcissist touches the narcissist directly without a firewall without protection without mediation it's very direct and then the narcissist feels how defective he is how limited he
137:41 is how what a failure he is what a loser how inadequate he is in other words the
137:48 narcissist gets in touch or becomes aware of his internal bed object
137:55 this is this is how it looks now the minute this happens
138:02 um when the defenses are done some really really terrifying things begin to happen
138:09 to the narcissist i want you to understand that all this takes place within 5 minutes motification is not a
138:16 process it's not a process okay it's an event so so how is this process unfolds
138:22 when this um you know when NPD sees himself or herself right uh without
138:28 filter without without um false self at that moment when the false self is
138:35 disabled the narcissist is no longer able to
138:41 confuse external objects with internal objects remember remember that in
138:47 pathological narcissism there is a confusion between external objects and internal objects a narcissist
138:53 internalizes external objects and then he feels that he is in control because
138:59 internal objects can be controlled they never abandon the narcissist they never humiliate the narcissist so the narcissist prefers to be in touch with internal object objects that represent
139:13 external objects so if the narcissist is in touch with you if he's in an intimate relationship with you even if he's your friend or even if he's your colleague he's going to create a snapshot of you a
139:26 photograph of you and he's going to internalize it he's going to interrogate it and he's going to continue to
139:32 interact with the photograph not with you never with you this is a defense
139:39 because that way the narcissist feels superior and safe the object is inside
139:46 his mind so he is the boss but modification destroys this mechanism
139:53 so the narcissist no longer is able to internalize you you become an a truly
139:59 external object which is out of control and so the narcissist is in a state of
140:05 terror horror disorientation the force self is destroyed and all the
140:12 external objects invade invade the narcissist's mind like Russia invaded Ukraine you know all the all the external objects that the narcissist kept out suddenly they intrude they penetrate the narcissist's mind and the
140:30 narcissist is totally at a loss what to do he feels hopeless he feels like
140:37 there's no alternatives he feels helpless and above all he feels that he's lo that he has lost control over
140:45 his his own world over his internal world and the external world so he is no
140:51 longer God he is no longer perfect because God controls everything and so
140:58 the motification disabled the false selves the external objects invaded the narcissist's mind he became aware of the external objects he lost control and
141:10 that means that he is not perfect he's not god godlike so huge shame and huge humiliation that
141:20 is not god because the narcissist defenses i'm god i'm I know everything i'm all powerful
141:27 these are defenses against shame against inferiority and so he doesn't have these defenses anymore and he literally disintegrates he falls apart he becomes paralyzed
141:40 disabled depressed anxious and absolutely suicidal
141:46 motification leads to two two effects that are rare in narcissism
141:53 number one selfawareness self-awareness of the bad object limitations defects inabilities inadequacies deficiencies deficits this is new to the
142:06 narcissist this is shocking and it comes as a river you cannot stop it you know because the false self is disabled
142:14 and the second thing is intrusion of external objects terrify the narcissist
142:20 so much and that when it is coupled with his shame over not being God anymore he
142:28 wants to die there's a very powerful suicidal ideation again it's a borderline condition again this is actually a borderline state
142:40 motification is regression regression of the narcissist back to borderline condition
142:48 grostein who was a famous psychoanalyst rostein said that narcissism
142:56 um is borderline I'm sorry borderline is failed narcissism yes the the borderline
143:02 wants to be a narcissist as a child but she fails and she remains a borderline
143:08 the narcissistic child succeeds to become a narcissist but the motification pushes the narcissist back in time to very early childhood when he was still
143:21 borderline before he became narcissist because all the defenses are gone and he
143:27 becomes borderline he's suicidal he wants to mutilate himself he's full of
143:33 shame humiliation he's terrified of external objects he has abandonment exact it becomes exactly borderline but the borderline is used to be borderline
143:44 you know she has experience she developed defenses she develops routines procedures she manages to survive with
143:52 her disorder the narcissist doesn't have experience how to be a borderline
143:58 so when the narcissist is suddenly overwhelmed and flooded with a borderline condition narcissist develops major depression and extreme suicidal
144:10 ideiation very dangerous condition for the narcissist he also becomes self-aware so if there is therapeutic
144:17 intervention this is the time motification is the time for for therapy actually mhm now Libby Libby which is one of the great scholars of
144:29 narcissistic modification she described two types of narcissists what she called the deflated narcissist today we call it covert narcissist the deflated narcissist and the inflated
144:41 narcissist today we call them covert and overt so she said that um when the mot when
144:48 motification happens there is an initial phase of paralysis narcissist is paralyzed he's so shocked all the experiences in motification are
145:00 totally new to the narcissist for example direct contact with external objects he doesn't know how to do this finally being in touch with emotions he
145:11 doesn't know how to deal with emotions the bad object takes over his grandiosity is incapacitated he doesn't
145:19 know how to deal with all this there's no fantasy defense there's no cognitive distortions i mean he would rather die
145:26 it's so shame shaming humiliating depressing and above all terrorizing
145:32 that he wants to die that phase lasts anywhere from days to weeks that's a
145:38 very dangerous period if there's no therapy following this phase
145:44 the narcissist tries to rebuild his narcissistic defenses and Libby describes a process which she calls internal to external motification
145:56 and this is very interesting process the narcissist remember is not grandiosa
146:03 the motification disabled the grandiosa narcissist has been humiliated publicly
146:09 shamed publicly by aggressive person so he cannot be grandio
146:15 so the narcissist tries to rebuild his grandiosity how does he do that by lying to himself of course that's what narcissists do so he lies to himself he
146:26 says "This person who wronged me this person who humiliated me this person who
146:32 shamed me he did all this because I made him do it i made her do she cheated on
146:39 me in public with someone because I pushed her to cheat on me he stole he he
146:46 humiliated me in public because I provoked him." So the narcissist
146:53 lies to himself that the aggression that he had experienced was because of him of
146:59 his behavior or actually because of his misbehavior he says to himself "Yeah people
147:07 humiliated me people shamed me people attacked me people aggressed against me people were bad to me even but all of
147:16 this because I made them behave this way i control their behavior
147:23 so because I control their behavior it means that I am God i'm again God they
147:29 were my puppets they were just my puppets and I was the puppet master i was playing with their strings so he is lying to himself this is called
147:40 autolastic defense autoplastic defense says I am guilty i am responsible i'm to
147:48 blame i made all this happen i was in charge i was in control and even I'm
147:55 evil i did it because I'm evil and then the narcissist restores his sense of
148:01 control and sense of grandiosity because all these people who misbehaved
148:07 humiliated him mocked him laughed at him attacked him criticized him disagreed
148:14 with him all these people they did all these things because he told them to do to do it he was in charge so this is
148:22 called internal defense libby Libby's term is internal motification
148:28 but then at some point the narcissist if if the narcissist keeps saying "I'm the bad guy i'm the bad guy i'm evil i
148:40 push them to do it i push this woman to cheat on me i push this men to criticize me i push the other men to beat me up i
148:47 push them to do it in public i provoked them i attacked them i humiliated them." So this was retaliation reactive abuse
148:55 yeah but if the narcissist keeps telling himself this story that means that he is
149:02 a bad object it means that he's evil he's malevolent
149:08 and the narcissist cannot accept that is a bad object because if the narcissist
149:14 gets in touch with this bad object he becomes suicidal borderline that's very dangerous so the internal solution for the m for the motification
149:27 the solution that says I'm the bad guy and I made everyone behave badly this
149:33 solution cannot hold because it means it means your bad object is correct
149:40 so then the narcissist transitions to an external solution so f first stage
149:47 paralysis second stage internal solution i made them do it third stage external
149:54 solution external solution is aloplastic it's an aloplastic defense external
150:01 solution simply says these people are evil they are malevolent and malicious
150:07 they're bad they conspired against me they they are ungrateful etc etc so now now they are bad not the narcissist the narcissist didn't do
150:19 anything they they attacked him for no reason so it's exactly the opposite of the internal solution the narcissist's
150:25 mind is very flexible the narcissist can lie to himself that way and then the
150:31 next minute can lie to himself exactly the opposite it's a it's a form of mental illness because the narcissist
150:37 has no dissonance when he contradicts himself healthy people have dissonance
150:44 when they contradict themselves not the narcissist so now the narcissist says
150:50 "Forget my previous story i did not provoke them i didn't do anything bad to them i was not the puppet masters they were not my puppets they are bad people they're evil people they did it on
151:02 purpose it's a conspiracy against me." And this is aloplastic defense and then he develops paranoia he becomes paranoid
151:11 he said "These people they're my enemies and they're going to persecute me and they're going to pursue me and so therefore I must destroy them." And the
151:22 narcissist becomes psychopathic vindictive and truly evil truly evil and he tries to destroy these people who caused him
151:34 the mortification because he believes that so yes so what what can we expect when we are mortified
151:41 um narcissist when we are this um aggressive person he will come after you
151:49 he will transition he will be paralyzed depressed suicidal this then he will then he will then he will posture he
151:57 will say you are nothing you're just a puppet I made you do it I was in control you did what I wanted you to do what you
152:03 did I wanted you to do it was me and so on and Then suddenly but very suddenly
152:09 because he cannot tolerate the bad object he cannot say "I am the bad person who made you misbehave i'm the
152:16 evil person i caused you to cheat on me to betray me." You know he cannot say that because he cannot admit that he's a
152:22 bad object so suddenly he will move and you will become the bad
152:29 object and he will try to destroy you he will become very vindictive he will conspire against you he will lie he will he will try to destroy you in every way possible he's very he will become very
152:41 vindictive in the long term it can take years can take absolutely years until
152:47 he's satisfied that he had punished you somehow and that justice has been restored and
152:53 balance has been restored and his grandiosity and control have been restored because he's like God god
152:59 punishes the sinners he needs to punish you because you committed a sin you were
153:05 sinful he is God you attacked God this is blasphemy you need to be you need to
153:11 be burned on the stake like the Inquisition you know so he is he has this morality he in his mind he is a
153:18 moral person for punishing you this is a moral ethical act because you are evil
153:26 you are vicious you're wicked you're sinner and you must be punished you must
153:32 be taught a lesson or you must be removed from society put in prison or something you must be punished because if you are not the bad the evil person
153:43 the narcissist is the evil person one of you is evil mhm either the narcissist
153:49 deserves the motification because he is evil he's bad or the narcissist is
153:56 innocent he's a victim he didn't do anything wrong and that makes you evil
154:03 makes you wicked and so you need to be punished to restore justice cosmic justice but also to teach you a lesson and to remove you from society
154:14 that's that's dangerous very dangerous mortified narcissists are vengeance
154:20 machines they go on and on and on and they are unstoppable
154:26 and never mind how many times they fail they go on they they never stop and because they lost their grandiosity they need to restore it and only you can restore it the problem is you took away
154:39 their grandiosity now you have it they want it back the only way for them to
154:45 restore their grandiosity is to devalue you to destroy you because you took if
154:52 we will if we will disappeared from from his or her life what's then after mortification no such thing because you never existed in in his life you were never an external
155:05 object you're an internal object so you're always in the narcissist mind never mind where you go you can go to
155:12 Yes I understand this but when you're disappear with uh like you know you moved somewhere or you changed job or
155:19 whatever nothing no nothing nothing because the narcissist's introject constancy in other words you are in the narcissist's mind until he dies and your introject is in the narcissist mind the narcissist continues to interact with your introject even if you
155:35 divorced him 20 years ago he continues to have dialogues with you he continues to punish you or to correct you or to
155:42 and then suddenly he can appear after 20 years and continue like nothing happened
155:48 because he did have a continuous relationship with you in his mind you went away you got married you had children i don't know what happened to you yes but in the narcissist's mind
156:00 you're still here inside his head and so he doesn't see anything strange to continue the relationship with you after 20 years he every day he had a relationship with you same same with
156:13 mortification you became a persary object it's called a persary object you became you became an enemy within and he needs to eradicate this enemy he
156:24 needs to destroy this enemy and where you are physically is totally irrelevant
156:30 because the battle the war is inside his head he needs to kill you he needs to destroy you to match the external object with the internal object once he
156:41 succeeds to destroy the internal objects he need to destroy the external so that he can match them and have peace
156:48 but the battle is is ongoing in his head and so he he he makes all kinds of
156:55 conspiracies and plans he stalks you he attacks you he goes to the police and lies he goes to I mean he would he would never stop but of course when I say he
157:06 to be clear it applies to women as well that's just to be clear today more or less it's 50/50 borderline and
157:12 narcissism are 50/50 50% male and 50% female it's um it's it's a dramatic
157:19 change in the last 20 years because 20 years ago about 75% of people diagnosed
157:27 with narcissism were men today it's only 50% women are becoming more and more and
157:34 more narcissistic and psychopathic and um and so and by the way less and
157:40 less borderline so this is a very dangerous situation because if you because women are much
157:47 more sensitive to motification than men for example it's much easier to modify a
157:54 woman all you have to say all you have to do is criticize the way she looks
158:00 if you tell a man you're fat you're fat okay you say to a man you're fat in public it will be narcissistic injury if the man is a narcissist and you tell the the man you're fat it's injury but it's never motification
158:16 but if you tell a woman you're ugly and fat in public that's motification
158:22 so women have many more many more options and venues for motification women are much more easily motified than men much much more because they are much more sensitive on multiple levels including the the way they look the way
158:38 they eat the way they dress the way men don't have all this men men doesn't care if you tell him you're dressed badly
158:44 okay I'm dressed badly what's next what's on the menu but you tell that to a woman and you do it in a shaming
158:52 humiliating way in public in front of her own girlfriends for example or women she competes with and
159:01 you you definitely might create motification and then you're her enemy for life until she destroys it
159:09 so this is the rise in narcissism and psychopathy among women is absolutely terrifying terrifying because the
159:17 potential for modification is I think three four times higher among women than among men
159:23 mhm sam if we still have a time how NPD if he or she can cope with cope with mortification uh by himself or herself
159:35 is it possible yes if if you don't commit suicide if you survive the depression the internal solution will
159:43 kick in automatically the internal and the external solution the solutions described by living these two solutions
159:50 they're automatic it's not a decision it's not a choice of the narcissist they kick in automatically so you have just
159:57 to survive the period you have to survive the period where you are very depressed and anxious humiliated and ashamed to the point that you want to die so you have to survive that period
160:08 and if you survive it then your grandiosity will be restored your false self and so on so during that during that period the narcissis is a borderline then the
160:19 chances for suicide are in some settings up to 60%
160:27 it's very very it's a traumatized borderline and I have another video where I where I analyze the situation
160:33 there with studies and so on so about 62% chance of suicide it's not small it's very very dangerous
160:40 some last questions you are speaking a lot uh about um you know different emotion but mostly about shame why shame is uh associated with mortification
160:54 why why this one shame well first of all mortification involves being humiliated
161:00 or being ashamed in public yeah but you know shame is the shame is the main
161:06 emotion in narcissism and many many scholars like Moison and and others they think that that narcissism is is defense
161:13 against shame the child the the small child is made to feel ashamed made to feel insufficient inadequate love is conditioned on
161:25 performance and very often the performance is not enough and so on so forth it's it's the manipulation of the
161:31 small child who later becomes a narcissist consists of shaming the child somehow and the child accumulates this shame a lot the child is also ashamed that he
161:45 cannot become an individual the parental figures don't allow the child to
161:51 separate and individuate don't don't allow the child to become a person they breach the child's boundaries they don't
161:58 respect the child in other words abuse is is a form of disrespect so abuse causes a lot of shame that's why that's why victims very often don't
162:10 complain they don't complain because they feel ashamed they feel ashamed of their victimhood the child is a victim
162:18 and feels ashamed of his victimhood and he carries this shame through life and he grieavves he grieavves what he could
162:26 have been and would never be and he grieavves the way his parents uh treated
162:32 him so there's what we call long grief long grief and shame when motification
162:39 happens the narcissist gets in touch with his shame because all his defenses disappear he suddenly feels like he's a
162:46 two-year-old with huge shame and nothing to do about it he's helpless and he's hopeless and
162:53 there is this overwhelming sense of grief mourning and then there's a
162:59 question what am I grieving if I'm a narcissist I've been mortified i'm depressed i'm anxious i'm in touch with
163:06 my shame and I'm I'm grieving what am I grieving i'm grieving myself i'm grieving myself so if I'm grieving myself I'm already dead that's the big lesson and realization of mortification suddenly the narcissist realizes that he
163:22 is dead inside that he has never lived there's never been a life there so he
163:29 says "All my life has been fake i've always been dead let me die let me just
163:36 die." And that's okay if if motification is not you know
163:42 for example if a narcissist is lonely there's no family no friends which is the typical case when the narcissist is
163:48 much older and so on so forth the chances of suicide are enormous
163:54 absolutely enormous so even if you don't like a narcissist even if you think many
164:01 times before you humiliate or shame or attack a narcissist in public
164:08 because you may well be condemning condemning him to death
164:14 and yeah there are many narcissists deserve many punishments but I don't think death is one of them
164:22 sam thank you so much for explaining this for us because like I said before it's really difficult uh topic and it's a lots of misunderstanding so u thank
164:33 you so much for your time and uh it was nice to talk to you yes nice to see you
164:39 again thank you for having me thank you so much take care bye

Summary Link:

https://vakninsummaries.com/ (Full summaries of Sam Vaknin’s videos)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html (My work in psychology: Media Kit and Press Room)

Bonus Consultations with Sam Vaknin or Lidija Rangelovska (or both) http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctcounsel.html

http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin (Narcissists, Psychopaths, Abuse)

http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings (World in Conflict and Transition)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com (Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/cv.html (Biography and Resume)

Summary

Abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Personality, Psychology, Reality, Sam Vaknin, Trauma, Vaknin, Vaknin Summaries

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