I am Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
You are a victim of abuse. You are being mistreated repeatedly and frequently. Your health is endangered, maybe your life.
What to do?
Well, your first fallback option is your family. They are, in many cases, though by no means always, your natural allies. They can provide you with shelter, money, emotional support, and advice. Don’t hesitate to call on them in times of need.
Your friends, and to a lesser extent your colleagues and neighbors, will usually lend you a sympathetic ear and will provide you with useful tips.
Merely talking to them can not only ease the burden, but protect you from future abuse.
This is because stalkers and paranoid thrive on secrecy, and they abhor public exposure. They fear it.
Regrettably resorting to the legal system, your next logical step, is bound to be a disappointing, disempowering, and invalidating experience.
Watch my video titled Pathologizing the Victim.
In a 1997 review paper titled Stalking Victims’ Problems with the Legal System and Therapeutic Considerations, Karen Abrams, M.D., wrote, law enforcement insensitivity toward domestic violence has already been well documented. Police often feel that, as opposed to serious crimes such as murder, domestic issues are not an appropriate police responsibility.
Private misconduct should not be subject to public intervention, and because few cases result in successful prosecution, pursuing domestic violence complaints is ultimately futile.
This sense of futility reinforced by the media and the courts may be transmitted to the victim.
In cases involving ex-lovers, continues Karen Abrams in her article, the police may have equal difficulty in being sympathetic to the issues involved. As in the case of Mrs. A, society often views stalking as a normal infatuation that will eventually resolve itself, or as the action of a rejected lover or a lovesick individual, more to be empathized with than censured.
Victims often report feeling that the police and society blame them for provoking harassment or for making poor choices in relationships. Authorities may have particular difficulty in understanding the woman who continues to have ambivalent feelings toward the offender.
In terms of the laws themselves, there is a history of ineffectiveness in dealing with crimes of stalking. The nature of the offenses themselves makes investigations and persecution difficult because surveillance and phone calls often have no witnesses. Barriers to victims using civil actions against tokens include dangerous time delays and financial requirements. Temporary restraining orders or peace bonds have been used most commonly and are generally ineffective, partly because law enforcement agencies have limited resources to enforce such measures. Even if caught, violators receive at most minimal jail time or minor monetary penalties.
Sometimes the offender just waits out the short duration of the order. Persistent, obsessed stalkers are usually not deterred.
Still, with all these caveats, it is crucial that you document the abuse and stalking and purely report them to the police and to your building security.
If your stalker is in jail, you should report him to the wardens and to his parole officer. It is important to resort to the courts in order to obtain restraining or cease and desist orders.
Keep law enforcement officers and agencies fully posted. Don’t hesitate to call upon them as often as you need to. They are public servants. It is their job.
Hire a security expert if the threat is credible or imminent. You are well advised to rely on professional advice throughout your prolonged and arduous disentanglement from your paranoid and stalking ex.
Use attorneys, accountants, private detectives and therapists to communicate with him. Consult your lawyer or if you can’t afford one, apply for a pro bono lawyer provided by a civic association or your state’s legal aid.
Ask your attorney what are your rights, what kinds of legal redress you have, what safety precautions you should adopt and what are the do’s and don’t do’s of your situation.
Especially important is to choose the right therapist for you and for the children. Check whether the therapist has any experience with victims of stalking and with the emotional effects of constant threat and surveillance, with fear, humiliation, ambivalence, helplessness and paranoid ideation.
Stalking is a traumatic process and you may need intervention to ameliorate the post-traumatic effects it wreaks on the victim.
Join online and offline groups and organizations for victims of abuse and stalking.
Fear support is critical. Helping others and sharing experiences and fears with other victims is validating and empowering as well as a useful experience.
Realizing that you are not alone, you are not crazy, that the whole situation is not your fault, helps to restore your shattered self-esteem and puts things in perspective.
Social services in your area are geared to deal with battering and stalking. They likely run shelters for victims of domestic violence and abuse for instance.
Watch the entire series of 40 videos about these topics.
Domestic violence shelters, courts, the police, your getaway, your relationship with the abuser, with your spouse after the divorce and so on. I wish you luck.
