Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Narcissist: It’s Not About You! It’s the Fantasy! (Hierarchy of Introjects)

1. 00:00 People are having a bit of a problem with the introject and with the internal pre playground known as the narcissist mind. They keep asking me questions and so today I’m going to respond to two of them. My name is Samaknin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and your introjected professor of psychology I hope. Okay, let’s start with the first question. Why did I think that I looked ugly during the hall of mirrors phase? In other words, during the idealization. People are having a bit of a problem with the introject and with the internal pre playground known as the narcissist mind. They keep asking me questions and so today I’m going to respond to two of them. My name is Samaknin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and your introjected professor of psychology I hope. Okay, let’s start with the first question. Why did I think that I looked ugly during the hall of mirrors phase? In other words, during the idealization.
2. 00:42 I keep saying in my videos that the narcissist grants you access to your idealized version in his mind through his gaze. You see yourself through the narcissist’s eyes as someone who is perfect, someone who is drop deadad gorgeous, super intelligent, amazing, unprecedented, and so on. And seeing yourself this way is highly addictive. It’s irresistible. You find it difficult to let go. And this bonds you or binds you to the narcissist. The narcissist is like your pusher. and you’re like a I keep saying in my videos that the narcissist grants you access to your idealized version in his mind through his gaze. You see yourself through the narcissist’s eyes as someone who is perfect, someone who is drop deadad gorgeous, super intelligent, amazing, unprecedented, and so on. And seeing yourself this way is highly addictive. It’s irresistible. You find it difficult to let go. And this bonds you or binds you to the narcissist. The narcissist is like your pusher. and you’re like a
3. 01:20 junkie and your drug of choice is your idealized image in his mind and only he holds the keys to the kingdom. He has a monopoly on your access to this image. So to come back to the question, why did I think that I looked ugly during the whole of mirrors? Here’s the explanation. The idealization phase focuses on highly specific traits which are important to the narcissist which matter to the narcissist. So for example if the locus of grandiosity of the narcissist if his claim to fame is that he’s a genius he junkie and your drug of choice is your idealized image in his mind and only he holds the keys to the kingdom. He has a monopoly on your access to this image. So to come back to the question, why did I think that I looked ugly during the whole of mirrors? Here’s the explanation. The idealization phase focuses on highly specific traits which are important to the narcissist which matter to the narcissist. So for example if the locus of grandiosity of the narcissist if his claim to fame is that he’s a genius he
4. 02:02 would emphasize your intelligence. He would idealize your intelligence. If the narcissist cares about aesthetic values, looks, appearances, he would emphasize your gorgeousness, your beauty, your pulritude. If the narcissist is concerned with power, he would emphasize perhaps your contacts, your money. So narcissists never idealize everything. They idealize the basket of traits and qualities and behaviors and and assets that would help them to idealize themselves. They’re actually idealizing themselves would emphasize your intelligence. He would idealize your intelligence. If the narcissist cares about aesthetic values, looks, appearances, he would emphasize your gorgeousness, your beauty, your pulritude. If the narcissist is concerned with power, he would emphasize perhaps your contacts, your money. So narcissists never idealize everything. They idealize the basket of traits and qualities and behaviors and and assets that would help them to idealize themselves. They’re actually idealizing themselves
5. 02:48 through you. By idealizing you and then by owning and possessing you, the narcissist ends up idealizing himself or herself. So idealization more precisely should be called co- idealization. By idealizing you and rendering you an internal object in his mind, the narcissist ends up self-enhancing and self aggrandizing. But a narcissist who doesn’t care about his body or other people’s bodies would not idealize you as a beautiful woman. a narcissist who cares about the intellect, intelligence, through you. By idealizing you and then by owning and possessing you, the narcissist ends up idealizing himself or herself. So idealization more precisely should be called co- idealization. By idealizing you and rendering you an internal object in his mind, the narcissist ends up self-enhancing and self aggrandizing. But a narcissist who doesn’t care about his body or other people’s bodies would not idealize you as a beautiful woman. a narcissist who cares about the intellect, intelligence,
6. 03:34 intellectual accomplishments, cerebral um aspects of personality and functioning. This kind of narcissist would emphasize your intelligence. He would say that you are super intelligent. And the fact that you chose to be with him proves conclusively that he is super intelligent. Super intelligent as well. A genius. Think Jean Sart and Simon de Bavois. So you may be idealized for quality A but not idealized for quality B. The narcissist may broadcast to you that you are a genius, that you are resilient, intellectual accomplishments, cerebral um aspects of personality and functioning. This kind of narcissist would emphasize your intelligence. He would say that you are super intelligent. And the fact that you chose to be with him proves conclusively that he is super intelligent. Super intelligent as well. A genius. Think Jean Sart and Simon de Bavois. So you may be idealized for quality A but not idealized for quality B. The narcissist may broadcast to you that you are a genius, that you are resilient,
7. 04:21 very strong, that you are that you make him feel like no other person before, no other woman before. And at the same time, he would not idealize you. He would not idealize your looks or your appearances or your beauty or lack thereof. So it idealization is selective is what I’m trying to say. Okay. Next question. Is it equally difficult for a narcissist to get rid of all introjets or is there some kind of hierarchy in their psyche? The psyche of narcissist with different values assigned to different introjets. very strong, that you are that you make him feel like no other person before, no other woman before. And at the same time, he would not idealize you. He would not idealize your looks or your appearances or your beauty or lack thereof. So it idealization is selective is what I’m trying to say. Okay. Next question. Is it equally difficult for a narcissist to get rid of all introjets or is there some kind of hierarchy in their psyche? The psyche of narcissist with different values assigned to different introjets.
8. 05:04 What I mean is that narcissists often engage in affairs and they have lovers, cheating on their primary partner and creating triangulations. Does the lovers introject also become so idealized that it is difficult to discard? Or does this difficulty mainly apply to partners with whom the narcissist is involved in more or less serious relationships, committed relationships such as cohabitation or long-term commitment. There is a misunderstanding here and may kulpa I take responsibility for it. The What I mean is that narcissists often engage in affairs and they have lovers, cheating on their primary partner and creating triangulations. Does the lovers introject also become so idealized that it is difficult to discard? Or does this difficulty mainly apply to partners with whom the narcissist is involved in more or less serious relationships, committed relationships such as cohabitation or long-term commitment. There is a misunderstanding here and may kulpa I take responsibility for it. The
9. 05:41 cexis the emotional investment is not in the introj. In other words, the narcissist invests his psychic energy, his emotional energy not in you. He invests his psychic energy, his emotional energy, not in the internal object that represents you. The narcissist does not invest you with emotions. He does not invest the internal object in his mind, the introject that stands for you, that represents you. He does not invest it with emotions. The narcissist’s emotions, such as they are, they are not cexis the emotional investment is not in the introj. In other words, the narcissist invests his psychic energy, his emotional energy not in you. He invests his psychic energy, his emotional energy, not in the internal object that represents you. The narcissist does not invest you with emotions. He does not invest the internal object in his mind, the introject that stands for you, that represents you. He does not invest it with emotions. The narcissist’s emotions, such as they are, they are not
10. 06:22 actually emotions. These are kind of effective effects. But the narcissist effects are invested in the fantasy, not in you, not in the internal objects, in the fantasy, in the narrative. Different introjects are idealized differently to fit into different shared fantasies. In other words, the intensity of the idealization, the intensity of the introjection, the pervasiveness, the durability, the longevity, the characteristics. All of these are determined not by you, not by the introject that represents you actually emotions. These are kind of effective effects. But the narcissist effects are invested in the fantasy, not in you, not in the internal objects, in the fantasy, in the narrative. Different introjects are idealized differently to fit into different shared fantasies. In other words, the intensity of the idealization, the intensity of the introjection, the pervasiveness, the durability, the longevity, the characteristics. All of these are determined not by you, not by the introject that represents you
11. 07:08 in the narcissist mind. All these are determined by the narrative fantasy. The narcissist is invested emotionally attached to, exercised by, aroused by the fantasy, the fantasy, the fantasy. You are irrelevant. You’re a prop. You’re an element in the fantasy. And that’s why you’re interchangeable, disposable, and dispensable, replaceable. So the question is wrong. Again, not the questionnaire’s fault, my fault. The question is wrong in the sense that there is no hierarchy of in the narcissist mind. All these are determined by the narrative fantasy. The narcissist is invested emotionally attached to, exercised by, aroused by the fantasy, the fantasy, the fantasy. You are irrelevant. You’re a prop. You’re an element in the fantasy. And that’s why you’re interchangeable, disposable, and dispensable, replaceable. So the question is wrong. Again, not the questionnaire’s fault, my fault. The question is wrong in the sense that there is no hierarchy of
12. 07:49 intrajigs. Definitely not a hierarchy that is dependent on the intensity and pervasiveness of the cexis of the emotional investment. This that that you happen to be the narcissist lover or the narcissist wife or the narcissist girlfriend or boyfriend or the narcissist best friend. That’s all in your mind, not in the narcissist’s mind. It is you who convinces yourself that you are a lover, that you’re a wife, that you mean something to the narcissist, that you’re the narcissist’s best friend. It’s a intrajigs. Definitely not a hierarchy that is dependent on the intensity and pervasiveness of the cexis of the emotional investment. This that that you happen to be the narcissist lover or the narcissist wife or the narcissist girlfriend or boyfriend or the narcissist best friend. That’s all in your mind, not in the narcissist’s mind. It is you who convinces yourself that you are a lover, that you’re a wife, that you mean something to the narcissist, that you’re the narcissist’s best friend. It’s a
13. 08:22 story that you’re telling yourself in order to survive the harrowing and grueling interaction with the narcissist. It’s a self soothing, self-coming, reframing narrative which is uniquely yours and has nothing to do with the narcissist. The narcissist doesn’t see you. The narcissist interacts only with internal objects, snapshots that represent you in his mind. And even then, these snapshots are not imbued with any kind of attachment or bonding or or emotion or effect or nothing. The narcissist invests all these story that you’re telling yourself in order to survive the harrowing and grueling interaction with the narcissist. It’s a self soothing, self-coming, reframing narrative which is uniquely yours and has nothing to do with the narcissist. The narcissist doesn’t see you. The narcissist interacts only with internal objects, snapshots that represent you in his mind. And even then, these snapshots are not imbued with any kind of attachment or bonding or or emotion or effect or nothing. The narcissist invests all these
14. 09:01 energies in the fantasies. So the fantasies there’s a hierarchy of fantasies. There’s a hierarchy of emotional reactions to these fantasies. There’s a each fantasy has its own parameters. How pervasive is it? How explanatory is it? Does it organize? Which part of the narcissist’s life does it serve to organize? How what’s what’s the longevity of the fantasy? What’s the durability and resilience of the fantasy? Um, is is the fantasy goal oriented, specific at a certain moment energies in the fantasies. So the fantasies there’s a hierarchy of fantasies. There’s a hierarchy of emotional reactions to these fantasies. There’s a each fantasy has its own parameters. How pervasive is it? How explanatory is it? Does it organize? Which part of the narcissist’s life does it serve to organize? How what’s what’s the longevity of the fantasy? What’s the durability and resilience of the fantasy? Um, is is the fantasy goal oriented, specific at a certain moment
15. 09:42 in time, or is the fantasy a narrative which characterizes the narcissist’s self-concept or self-perception, etc., etc. There are dozens of fantasies simultaneously jostling and competing in the narcissist’s mind. It is the potency. It is the power of the fantasy that determines the endurance of the associated introject. It is the fantasy that endows the introjects with life that animates them. In other words, the dynamics of the introjects or the psychonamics of the introjects are derivatives in time, or is the fantasy a narrative which characterizes the narcissist’s self-concept or self-perception, etc., etc. There are dozens of fantasies simultaneously jostling and competing in the narcissist’s mind. It is the potency. It is the power of the fantasy that determines the endurance of the associated introject. It is the fantasy that endows the introjects with life that animates them. In other words, the dynamics of the introjects or the psychonamics of the introjects are derivatives
16. 10:22 of the fantasy. Ironically, in psychoanalytic analytic terms, we would say that the primary and secondary processes are reversed, but we’ll not go into it right now. So, this is the answer. It is not the intro, it’s the fantasy. of the fantasy. Ironically, in psychoanalytic analytic terms, we would say that the primary and secondary processes are reversed, but we’ll not go into it right now. So, this is the answer. It is not the intro, it’s the fantasy.