Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. 3 Tests+3 Baits: How Narcissist Lures You (Clip Skopje Seminar Opening, May 2025)

1. 00:00 This is the shirt fantasy. It’s a background psychonamic background for the shirt fantasy. The narcissist starts by with a stage called spotting. Narcissist scans the room. Any room could be a pub, could be a church, could be a family household, could be the
2. 00:16 narcissist is constantly on the alert, constantly looking for a new mother, constantly looking for a source of supply, constantly looking to consume people. His food is other human beings. He is eating other human beings alive in the mental psychological sense. He is
3. 00:37 not. He is a connibal a cannibal of minds. So he’s whenever he enters a room he he begins to scan scan for potentials. This scanning is automatic. This cunning is and the whole process, the entire shared fantasy is inexorable. Inexurable means unstoppable, pre-programmed.
4. 01:02 Nothing the narcissist can control. It’s not a psychopath. The psychopath does it on purpose. The narcissist can control it, can’t help it. It’s in other words a comp a compulsion. That’s where the ICD is right. It’s anastia. It’s a compulsion.
5. 01:20 Narcissist is not even aware of most of this. Most of it is unconscious. We know that the narcissist is doing this because we have had 130 years of observations of narcissists. Yeah. So the first thing he does he spots people. Spotting. He’s scanning and spotting.
6. 01:41 The spotting is done so he stares at you. He glares. You when you when you look at a narcissist, for example, you’re in a bar and a narcissist enters the bar. Example, it’s not like a normal human being who enters the bar. It’s clear that the narcissist enters the bar
7. 02:00 and then something is triggered. Some switch is flipped and he is it’s clear that he is scanning. It’s clear that he is gauging, evaluating people, analyzing them, their potential. How can I use them? How can I incorporate them in the the shared fantasy? What can I get out
8. 02:16 of them? Will they give me supply? Will they become my mother? It’s clear that he is on a mission. The narcissist is always on a mission. There’s no respit. There’s no rest. It’s a highly, highly depleting state. It’s exhausting to be a narcissist. I can tell you it’s a highly
9. 02:35 depleting state. And for those of you who are wondering, yes, of course, I’m doing it right now. I’m scanning. This is utterly compulsive. It’s utterly automatic. I cannot control it. I cannot help it. It’s triggered like that. And that’s it. It’s on. It’s on. Not that
10. 02:51 I’m looking for an alternative. Not that actively looking for a partner or for but it’s it’s on. It’s simply on. Um questions at the at the end. Okay. But write them down. Not to forget. Okay. The spotting is done in what I call the pathological narcissistic space. The
11. 03:14 pathological narcissistic space is a physical space. a pub, a library, uh a church, a household, a physical space where the narcissist develops um a following, develops a group of people who basically admire him or adulate him or provide him
12. 03:37 with attention or feedback. So his local pub, his church and so on. This is the pathological narcissistic space and most of the scanning takes place in pathological narcissistic spaces. In other words, the narcissist is much less likely to scan among total strangers.
13. 03:56 He is much more likely to scan among people who admire him, people who follow him, people who know him, people who give him attention and so on. Then he’s much more likely to scan for potential. The next stage is auditioning. Having scanned and having isolated and
14. 04:17 picked up and identified potentials, the narcissist then homes in or zeros in on these potentials and he auditions them for the shared fantasy. The shared fantasy is a bit like a movie. It’s like a theater production, right? Everyone has a role. There’s a script. The shared
15. 04:38 fantasies has its end happy ending the narcissist hopes. So it’s like a movie and now you’re a potential actor or actress. So the narcissist has to audition you. The narcissist applies to you three tests. The auditioning includes three tests and if you pass
16. 04:57 these three tests, you get the job unfortunately for you. So the first test, can he idealize you? Do you have minimal traits, minimal assets that he can somehow leverage and idealize? Like, are you minimally intelligent? Are you minimally good-looking? Are you
17. 05:19 minimally submissive and obedient? Are you minimally insightful? So, there’s like a set of minimum traits and minimum behaviors and minimum qualities and minimum assets. And because a narcissist needs these all these assets, all these traits, all these qualities in
18. 05:39 order to agrandise them, in order to exaggerate them later on in the idealization phase, we’ll come to it a bit later. So he auditions you number one, can you be idealized? I mean, if you are seriously stupid and even more ugly than that, it’s would be
19. 05:57 very difficult to idealize you and you would not pass the first test. Luckily for you, next are you a able to provide the second test. Are you able to provide at least two of the four S’s? Remind you of the four S’s. Sex supply, narcissistic supply, or if the
20. 06:22 narcissist is also a sadist, malignant narcissist for example, sadistic supply. Sadistic supply is the pleasure of inflicting pain on you, the pleasure of torturing you. So, sadistic supply or narcissistic supply. Um, services. So, do you have a car? Do
21. 06:42 you have money? Um, are you are you a good cook? I’m kidding you not, by the way. Are you a good cook? Um, do you keep home? And so, so forth and so services. Um do you know people like can you provide the narcissist with connections and access and so on. So so and and the
22. 07:04 fourth is stability or safety. Are you by nature a bit submissive? Are you likely to stick around never mind what happens? Are you good mother material? Are you likely to love the narcissist unconditionally never mind what the narcissist does to you? So this is the
23. 07:23 auditioning. This is the second test of the auditioning phase. Can you provide sex, services, supply and safety? The third test is, are you vulnerable? Because the narcissist needs to penetrate your defenses. The narcissist is about to offer you a deal. And the
24. 07:42 deal is you give up on reality. You enter my fantastic space. You become my slave. And you convince yourself that that’s the best thing that has ever happened to you. the best thing is has ever happened to you is to become my slave in a fantasy. It’s a bit of an
25. 08:00 off-putting proposition for most people. And so the narcissist needs to find your vulnerabilities, your point, your chinks in the armor, the the gaps through which he can penetrate and invade you and brainwash you and indoctrinate you and and convert you into a possible
26. 08:21 potential. So are you damaged? Are you broken by nature? Do you suffer from any mental illnesses which are conducive to the shared fantasy? For example, borderline personality disorder. Are you a daydreamer? Do you like to fantasize? Do you enjoy fantasizing? Fantasy uh
27. 08:39 could be very rewarding, especially if reality is not. Um do you hate reality? Are you an escapist? Do you like to escape? Um are you romantic? Are you the romantic type? Because romance is just another name fantasy. Are you grandiose by nature? Because a narcissist tells
28. 09:00 you if you’re with me, it elevates you. You become special. You become unique. You’re chosen. Become amazing. And because I’m amazing, you’re amazing. We’ll come to it a bit later. That’s the core idealization phase. So, are you grandiose by nature? Would you like to
29. 09:15 to be special? Would you like to be unique? Would you like to be noticed and attended to and so on? Do you have a what Rosenberg or Rosenberg calls a for a self-love deficit? Don’t you love yourself? Maybe you hate yourself. Maybe you loathe yourself. Maybe you’re
30. 09:32 self-destructive and self-defeating. These are great news. Excellent. You fit the profile. So these are the three tests and the three tests together comprise the auditioning phase. Having scanned the area, having isolated a potential, having auditioned the potential, could
31. 09:55 be on a first date or a casual conversation. The auditioning is mostly done by the narcissist. You don’t have to contribute much. So, having auditioned the potential, the narcissist moves on to the next stage. And the next stage is baiting. Baiting is done in three ways. There are
32. 10:13 three vectors of baiting, three components. if you wish of baiting. The first one is the narcissist’s alleged inner child. There’s nobody there, not even a child, but alleged inner child. The second bait is your inner child. And the third bait is the mag the
33. 10:36 enormousness of the shared fantasy. And actually later on you discover it’s the enormity. You know the difference between enormity and enormousness. Enormity means something really bad, something incredibly bad. That’s enormity. Enormousness is something
34. 10:54 really grand, something big. So the narcissist starts off by convincing you of the enormousness of the shared fantasy. You end up describing its enormity. So hello. So the three baits are, as I said, his inner child, your inner child, and the enormousness of the shed
35. 11:14 fantasy. I will briefly elucidate each and every one of them. The narcissist um gives you access to a simulation of a child. It’s a very convincing simulation because don’t forget the narcissist is a child mentally, psychologically, psychonamically. The narcissist is about
36. 11:36 2 years old in most cases. Majority of cases I’ve come across are about 2 years old. So two to three, right? And so the narcissist gives you access to this. What you see when you meet the narcissist, especially if the shared fantasy is a romantic or intimate shared
37. 11:56 fantasy and even in friendship where emotions are involved, emotions are very important. So where bonding is involved, where attachment is involved. So the narcissist gives you access to this child. And what you see initially on the first encounter is an endearing,
38. 12:14 charming, immature infantile features which are also associated with pain and hurt and neediness and wish for protection and so it’s a child and the child is very cute. I mean just look at me. Child is very cute. He’s very endearing. It’s very charming and at the
39. 12:36 same time the child child conveys a message. I’m hurt. I am I’m broken. I’m traumatized. I’m in need. I want you to protect me. I want you to engulf me. I want you to cos at me and so on so forth. This is an appeal that is irresistible to women and men alike.
40. 12:57 If you as men see a baby who is crying and suffering and bleeding, your maternal instincts will be triggered as men and you will take care of this baby the very same way a woman would. So maternal instincts are not limited to mothers as single fathers
41. 13:15 know. Single fathers would tell you that they’re highly maternal. Maternal instincts are universal and the narcissist triggers them in men and women alike. And at that point, that is when you are hooked. You’re baited. That is when you have accepted and adopted your new your
42. 13:39 role of new mother. That is when you become his new mother. I’m saying his half of all narcissists are women. Yes. Of course, no such child exists. These protective instincts are misdirected. It’s a simulation of a child. It’s a simulation of a child. And it is what my
43. 14:02 late lamented good friend John Lkar called resonance of archaic wounds or resonance of vspots, vulnerability spots. Lachkar who was a good friend of mine and an amazing figure. Latchkar was the first to describe narcissistic borderline relationships. She wrote the first book
44. 14:24 ever on the topic. She published it in 1982 and it’s called the narcissistic borderline couple and um now it it’s in its second edition I think and Lashka suggested that what happens is narcissists and their victims share the same background. They both
45. 14:43 emanate they both emerge and come from dysfunctional families. So the victim of the narcissist feels immediately recognized, immediately accepted, immediately and fully understood because the narcissist has experienced the very same things in his or her own family.
46. 15:06 There’s common ground between the victim and the narcissist. There’s commonality. There’s psychological affinity. There is identity. They are both victims of abuse in early childhood. And so she suggested it’s a kind of resonance of pathologies.
47. 15:25 At this point, when you have responded willy-nilly to the narcissist’s inner child, when you have assumed the role of the narcissist’s mother, even for only one second, the narcissist leverages this vulnerability because it’s a vulnerability. leverages it to proceed
48. 15:47 and the next stage in debating is your inner child. So this was his inner child. His inner child opened the door. He entered the narcissist entered. He entered your abode. He entered your mind. He entered your soul as a child. And you know children like to play with
49. 16:04 other children. Hensel and Gretle. Yes. They like to play with other children. So the narcissist’s inner child having invaded you is looking for your inner child to play with, to be with, to bond with. And what the narcissist does, the narcissist regresses you, infantilizes
50. 16:27 you. The narcissist forces you to become a child again. This regression and infantilization I are are major tools of control and manipulation. major. We’ll come to it when we discuss the dual mothership.
51. 16:47 And so at the end of this stage, the baiting stage, there is a narcissist who is offering you an amazing life, incredibly fantastic Disneyland variant of variation of life, something irresistible you’ve always wanted. It’s divorced from reality and it caters to
52. 17:08 all your psychological needs, vulnerabilities, brokenness and damage and mental illness. It caters to it. It’s tailored. It’s handmade and it’s very reactive to who you truly are. You feel understood. You feel accepted. You feel that you found your soulmate or in
53. 17:28 the worst case twin flame. I love this nonsense. Okay. And so at that point the narcissist triggers in you your inner child. You infantilize. You don’t even realize it but you become more and more infantile with the narcissist. Even none of us date by the
54. 17:51 way. You become more and more infantile. You regress. You begin to lose what we call executive functions. You begin to lose executive functions. So you find yourself for example deferring to the narcissist judgment, letting the narcissist make decisions, consulting
55. 18:08 the narcissist about reality. These are of course this is an abrogation of what we call ego functions. It’s as if the narcissist turns off your ego function by function. Turns you off and leaves behind you your baby version. Just your baby version.
56. 18:30 Okay, having done all this, by the way, those of you who want to to learn more about these processes may wish to look up online concepts like developmental age, um developmental amnesia and maturational crisis. These are the concepts that are used in the shared fantasy. Okay,
57. 18:53 where are we now? You have been spotted. You have been auditioned and regrettably for you, you passed the audition with flying colors. You have been exposed to the narcissist’s inner child and fell in love with it or at least became very protective and very maternal.
58. 19:10 The narcissist has regressed you and infantilized you to an earlier stage of life where you are dependent by definition because you’re a child. And the narcissist has promised you the world, a vision of reality which is fantastic, unreal, a vision of a joint reality, a kind of
59. 19:29 cult. It’s a cult setting. Nolis is beginning to cultivate in you what we know in psychology as a cult mind. So, and this would lead to later consequences as we shall see onward Christian and Jewish soldiers to stage three. Stage three is co- idealization.