Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Baited, Ejected: YOU in Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy (CLIP, University of Applied Sciences, Poland)

1. 00:02 So I am now going to describe to you the shared fantasy. It is my contribution but it is based on the work of another person like everything else in in science or everything else in learning. Always base yourself on other people’s work. So in 1989 there was a psychologist his
2. 00:24 name was Sander. S A N D E R and Sander came up with a construct of the shared fantasy. Sander suggested that sometimes people team up together and create a fantasy which in which both of them are participate. Both of them participate in the fantasy. Both of them adhere to the
3. 00:48 fantasy. Both of them believe in the fantasy. Both of them function within the fantasy according to the rules of the fantasy. Both of them accept the narrative of the fantasy. The fantasy becomes their reality. Now Sander suggested the the concept of shared
4. 01:03 fantasy. But way before fander we were aware in psychology of similar situations. They were called fad in French madness in Tusan and after that it was called shed psychosis. And today by the way in the diagnostic and statistical manual there is a
5. 01:24 diagnostic category of mass psychoggenic illness. Mass psychoggenic illness. Clinically speaking the shared fantasy is a mass psychogenic psychoggenic illness. Now what is the shared fantasy? The shared fantasy is a movie. The shared fantasy is a theater play. The
6. 01:46 shared fantasy is a story. The shared fantasy is a narrative. It’s a piece of fiction. The narcissist comes to you and says, “Hello, your life sucks. Reality is horrible. You don’t like your life. You don’t like reality. I have an alternative for you.
7. 02:04 And my alternative is exciting. My alternative is amazing. My alternative is addictive. My alternative will make all your dreams come true. In my alternative, nothing bad ever happens. In my alternative to reality, I will protect you. I will save you. I will
8. 02:25 rescue you. I will be there for you always like a rock. I will regulate you from the outside. I will control your moods and your emotions. You will not need to make any decision anymore. I will make all the decisions and if anything goes wrong, it’s my fault and my responsibility.
9. 02:44 In short, the narcissist offers you to become a child. And it’s very, very tempting for reasons which I will explain in a minute. First of all, if someone gives you a second chance at being a child, who would refuse? Reality really sucks. Reality is
10. 03:05 horrible, especially nowadays. So, if someone offers you an alternative to reality, why wouldn’t you take it? Most of you in this room spend most of your time already not in reality. For example, you’re watching movies, don’t you? That’s not reality. You’re
11. 03:28 playing video games. That’s not reality. You’re playing multiplayer games on the internet or via the internet. That’s not reality. You’re reading books. That’s not reality. Actually, if you look at yourself very carefully, including the time you spend on social
12. 03:48 media and so on, most of your life is spent not in reality. And so what the narcissist offers to you sounds plausible and reasonable. Any anyway, you’re not in reality, so why not? And you accept. And within the shared fantasy, the narcissist offers you a drug. Drugs. These are
13. 04:14 mental drugs, psychological drugs. Yes, not physical drugs. But the narcissist offers you some things which are highly addictive. I will mention a few of them. One of them is what I call the hall of mirrors. The hall of mirrors. What the narcissist does in the initial
14. 04:34 stages of the of the shared fantasy, the narcissist idealizes you, he creates an internal object, an avatar, a snapshot of you, a photograph of you that is then photoshopped and you become ideal. The you become perfect in the narcissist mind. Narcissist tells you, “You’re
15. 04:58 amazing. You’re a genius. You are drop deadad gorgeous. I have never had such an experience before. I love you like I’ve le never loved anyone else, etc., etc.” You see yourself through the narcissist’s gaze. You see yourself through the narcissist’s eyes
16. 05:19 as perfect, as ideal, as blemishless, as flawless. And you fall in love. You fall in love with your ideal image. You fall in love with yourself. You experience self-love, self-infatuation, self lirance. The narcissist shows you yourself in a way that you’re completely lovable.
17. 05:49 And it is only the narcissist that can give you can grant you access to this idealized image of yourself. If you want to see yourself as gorgeous, as intelligent, as amazing, as unique, as unprecedented, if you want to see yourself as a perfect entity,
18. 06:12 a goddess or a god, if you want to see yourself this way, you can see yourself this way only through the narcissist’s gaze, only through the narcissist’s eyes. He has a monopoly on your idealized version. And gradually you fall in love with this
19. 06:32 version and you can’t live without it. You get addicted. You get addicted to this. You get addicted to seeing yourself through the narcissist’s gaze, through his eyes. And this is the whole of mirrors. Another way the narcissist gets you addicted, bonded, attached. Another way
20. 06:53 the narcissist intoxicates you so that you can never walk away is the dual mothership. Dual mothership is the narcissist makes a contract, creates a contract with you. This contract is unspoken but it is the foundation of the shared fantasy. The
21. 07:11 shared fantasy is transactional and it’s contractual. And one of the elements of the contract, one of the articles in the contract is, I’m going to be your mother, says the narcissist. You’re going to be my mother. We are going to be each other’s mothers.
22. 07:29 You my intimate partner, you my best friend, you my child, you my boss, you my coworker, you my pastor in the church, you are going to be my mother. You’re going to function like a mother. You’re going to accept me unconditionally. You’re going to love me
23. 07:49 unconditionally. You’re going to nurture me. You’re going to pamper me. You’re going to protect me. You’re going to be my mother, says the narcissist. What am I giving you in return for this? I’m going to be your mother. I’m going to love you unconditionally. I’m going
24. 08:06 to accept you as you’ve never accepted been accepted before. I’m going to understand you like you have never been understood by anyone. I’m going to protect you. I’m going to make you feel safe. I’m going to provide you with a secure base, a rock. I’m
25. 08:21 going to always be there for you like a mother. I’m going to idealize you the way a mother idealizes her newborn. So, I’m going to be your mother, says the narcissist. And you’re going to be my mother. We’re going to be each other’s mothers. We’re going to give each other
26. 08:38 a second chance at childhood with a proper path with a proper tra trajectory including separation individuation. This is an irresistible proposition. There is not a human being alive who wouldn’t want to have a second chance, especially a second chance at a happy
27. 09:02 functional childhood. And so these are examples of what the narcissist offers you in the shared fantasy of the hidden unwritten non-verbal contract that you are signing with your blood. And the shared fantasy unfolds inexurably. It is a mechanism. The shared fantasy is
28. 09:26 a device. It’s a machinery piece of machinery and it consumes the narcissist and you. You and the narcissist, you are nothing but bolts or cogs or wheels in this machine. The machine is bigger than you, stronger than you, inex inexorable. Narcissist cannot say no to the machine.
29. 09:49 The Narcissist cannot stop the machine. The Narcissist cannot change the machine’s way of functioning. Narcissist can do nothing to the machine because the narcissist does not exist. The machine exists and the machine has several phases and several stages.
30. 10:08 The shed fantasy starts when the narcissist spots you. He spots you as a potential partner, potential victim. He prays. He’s a predator. So, he prays on you. Remember when I say narcissist, it is someone with narcissistic personality disorder. So he spots you and then he auditions
31. 10:30 you. There’s an audition. So he goes to a pub. He goes to a pub. You are in the pub. He’s in the pub. He sees you from across the counter far away. He spots you. You are target. You are It’s like a laser a laser finder. There’s a You’re in the crosshairs.
32. 10:49 He spots you and then he comes to you physically and he auditions you. He auditions you. He puts you through various situations. He says all kinds of things. He behaves in ways that puts you put you to the test. You’re being tested. Can you be idealized?
33. 11:11 Maybe, I don’t know, you’re too ugly. Maybe you’re too stupid. There’s no way to idealize you. So you you won’t be included in the fantasy. You don’t get the job. It’s like a job interview. Can you be idealized? Can you provide the narcissist with the
34. 11:27 four S’s? The four S’s are sex, supply, narcissistic and sadistic. Supply is another word for attention, services, and stability or safety like a mother should. Can you provide two of these four? So, can you be idealized? Can you provide these two? And are you
35. 11:47 vulnerable? Are you broken? Are you damaged? Are you needy? Are you frightened? The narcissist has something that I I was the first to describe called empathy. Cold empathy is a combination of cognitive empathy and reflexive empathy, animal empathy without the effective emotional
36. 12:10 component. So when the narcissist comes to you, he scans you like a scanner, like an MRI. He scans you and he spots immediately all your weaknesses, all your vulnerabilities, everything you hope and dream and fantasize about, all your fears. He makes a map of you. How broken are
37. 12:34 you? How damaged are you? How vulnerable are you? How open are you to attack? How how how much of a prey are you? He’s a predator. Are you bleeding? This is the auditioning phase. And having spotted your vulnerabilities, the narcissist proceeds and he proceeds by exposing you to
38. 12:58 himself as a child. He shows you his inner child. He shows you the fact that he’s two years old or three years old. He makes you protective. Anyone, men or woman, when they are exposed to a baby, they become protective. So he renders you protective. That’s the
39. 13:18 next stage. He exposes you to his childlike side and then he resonates with you. You’re wounded. You’re damaged. The narcissist is wounded and damaged. You come from a dysfunctional background. He comes from a dysfunctional background. You maybe are a bit of a freak or not
40. 13:40 accepted. He’s the same. He resonates with you. He becomes your soulmate. The other half, the twin flame, call it as you wish, he resonates with you. And then having resonated with you, he idealizes you. The first stage in the cycle within the shed fantasy is idealization.
41. 14:00 He creates an image of you in his mind which is perfect. Perfection in every way, physically, mentally, intellectually, you’re perfect. You’re superior. You’re amazing. You’re incredible. You’re unprecedented. There’s nobody like you. Has never been
42. 14:15 anybody like you. And he communicates this to you. He’s telling you this. He’s telling you, “Wow, I have never seen I’ve never met anyone like you. I I must be in your life.” And it’s irresistible. It’s irresistible to you because very few people would tell you that
43. 14:35 you’re perfect. Very few people would subject you to the laser focused attention that the narcissist does. So he idealizes you, but he’s idealizes you and at the same time he’s idealizing himself. You are like a flashy car. It’s like owning owning a Ferrari. If you own a
44. 14:55 Ferrari, it says something about you. So he renders you perfect. He renders you ideal. And at the same time, because he owns you, he possesses you. You’re an internal object, not external, because you’re part of his mind. By virtue of your perfection,
45. 15:15 it makes him perfect. By virtue of your of your ideal nature, it renders the narcissist ideal. And this is co- idealization. Narcissist idealizes you mainly actually to idealize himself. He starts to lovebomb you. He creates a snapshot of you. The snapshot is my term but the
46. 15:42 clinical term is introject. He creates, he introjects you and then having introjected you, now there’s an internal image, internal object, an imago that represents you in the outside in his mind. And then he photoshops it. He idealizes it. And now he has an
47. 16:02 idealized avatar of you, an idealized icon of you, an idealized picture of you in his mind. And he starts to love bomb you. Lovebombing is incessant, usually verbal communication and various acts that communicate to you that you are being loved, you are lovable, and
48. 16:28 that the love given to you is unprecedented. You have never been loved like this before. And the narcissist has never loved like this before. This is love without equal. This is the love bombing phase. The lovebombing phase as usual with narcissist is not about you. It’s about
49. 16:49 the narcissist. He’s trying to convince himself that you are worthy of idealization and the shared fantasy. These are the initial phases of the shared fantasy and they are followed in due time by the exact opposite. You’ve been idealized. Now you’re devalued.
50. 17:14 You’ve been acquired. Now you have been discarded. Everything is ex everything reverses. Fast forward. You’re actually going backward. Everything is reversed and you’re out of the shed fantasy. You’re expelled like the garden of Eden. Eve and Adam. Adam expels Eve in the
51. 17:35 shed fantasy and remains in the garden of Eden. Why the narcissist does this? Why does he devalue someone who who he has idealized not long before? Why is the need to devalue? Why is the need to discard you, to throw you away, to break up with you, to dump
52. 17:54 you? Why? Why is it compulsive? Because it is a reenactment of the narcissist relationships with his mother. Remember in the shared fantasy you are the narcissist’s mother. You’re the maternal figure and with the original mother the narcissist was unable to separate
53. 18:19 unable to become individual. So now with this new mother you he wants to separate. He wants to become an individual. He’s replaying, he’s reenacting the early childhood trauma and and abuse and lack of separation individuation with you as the new
54. 18:38 mother, as the standin mother, as a replacement mother, as a substitute mother. You’re going to be his mother. You would love him unconditionally, but you would also let him go. You will allow him to separate and to individuate. And the only way to do
55. 18:54 this, he needs to let you go. He needs to get rid of you. And this is the reason for separation individuation. There’s another phase known as hoovering. I will not go go into it right now. Okay. This is what the narcissist does to you. From narcissistic abuse through idealization
56. 19:15 to devaluation.