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1. 00:00 space of fiction where the narcissist embeds you is um divorced from the world and from reality of course and is devoid of friction and pain and suffering and challenges and hardships and difficulties. None of this it’s it’s the way a child sees the world. The
2. 00:24 you could escape all of those things by just taking this proposition. Yes. But yet reality is not what they want to come into that proposition because then you’ll recognize that it’s all false. They isolate you from reality. The first thing they do, they they cut you off
3. 00:41 family and friends and so on. The second thing they do, they create a fantasy which is which substitutes for reality. They become your reality testing. So when you’re trying to gauge reality or the world, you resort to them. They become the litmos test of reality.
4. 00:59 Always going back to them to check to see if this is something I should do. Should I wear this? Should I eat this? They become the measure. Is this real? This person. Yeah. What do you think I should do? You know, so you become dependent before you know
5. 01:14 it. You become utterly dependent on the narcissist because you’re in a prison cell. It’s a padded prison cell, but it’s a prison cell and he’s the only one with a key and he’s the only one or she’s the only one that they’re able to grant you access to
6. 01:31 your idealized image. It is through the gaze of the narcissist that you become alive as a newborn. And it is through the narcissist’s gaze that you see yourself as per a perfect perfect entity, all all ideal and therefore worthy of a mother’s unconditional love.
7. 01:51 Never question never questioning them at all because they continue to give what we can believe I would believe is the best thing for me. They’re giving me what I believe is the best, but it’s actually it’s a fantasy of my own. I think the best I think the
8. 02:09 closest comparison would be addiction. Oh wow. Hey, you didn’t say that the first time around. Okay. So, I could see that. Okay. I could I could see that. If I make three I mean, forget narcissism. Forget nar. Yeah. If I’m the kind of guy who makes you
9. 02:23 feel good all the time, makes you think great about yourself. I got that you’re the best and the greatest and amazing and drop dead gorgeous and super int. And I also provide you with unconditional love and support and sakore. I’m always there for you. I
10. 02:39 always cater to your needs. And so why would you let go of me? Forget forget. Yeah. Why would you even go look anywhere else is essentially what would happen? I say what you say. And gradually you would say why do I need reality? Reality sucks.
11. 02:54 I don’t want reality. I want this guy. I want this guy. Yep. That’s right. I can’t live without him because he has created like you said this padded cell that a woman won’t even she wouldn’t have a clue what she has stepped into. Not a clue. Yeah. Half of all narcissists are women
12. 03:12 nowadays. It’s a new development. Yeah. I I remember a video that you you uh mentioned that um using gender pronouns, but they Yeah. Yeah. I get to Yeah. Yeah. It could go either way because they create this padded cell. How do you get out of that?
13. 03:32 Cuz reality is going to hit at some point. Very few people want to get out of it. Uh Sam, you’re blowing my mind again. They want to stay in it. Yeah. We see all these self self-imputed victims and and survivors. That’s a tiny fraction of a percentage.
14. 03:51 the vast the overwhelming vast want to stay in it. Want to stay in it. I want to let go. That’s a that’s a loss. Say to them. Okay, I see what you’re saying. Yeah. For the first time they are experiencing for example self love. They were incapable of loving themselves
15. 04:06 but then there is this idealized image idealized version of themselves and for the first time they are capable of loving it. Loving this idealized version. They f they then what feel a sense of existence now. So therefore they feel seen and heard even the
16. 04:22 existence and more about I think self love. Got it. Okay. Self-compassion, self-compassion. So the narcissist says says to you actually the narcissist messages you have never seen yourself correctly. Your self-perception is so completely wrong. Yep. I can see a guy saying that or
17. 04:42 female. Yeah. Yeah. Like you think you you you don’t realize how old you realize you are dropped dead gorgeous you are how sexy how how intelligent how smart all the all these Yeah. Yeah. Then you be you begin to with no with no proof. No no no not that
18. 04:57 the person isn’t but nothing is substantiated. It’s just constantly thrown at that person. So like why why would I go out of this relationship? Why would I leave? You simply buy into it and then but then the narcissist maintains a monopoly of access.
19. 05:13 If you want to access this idealized version of you, you can do it only through the narcissist gaze. Because if you were to go to your mother or to your neighbor or to your best or friend, best friend or whatever, they would they would tell you what you know the truth is,
20. 05:32 okay, but you’re not that sexy or Yeah. Let’s let’s get down to reality. Come down a little bit because this is really whatever he told you is up here. The reality is you’re here. Now, that’s going to cause a problem because then that person, the prey, is going to get
21. 05:46 upset at mom, dad, or whoever who’s trying to tell him, “Hey, look, this person’s blowing smoke.” It’s exactly what how the narcissist isolates you from family and friends. And so, so he needs to cut that off and say like, “You just just trust me. Just they
22. 06:02 don’t really love you the way I do.” Kind of foolish. Afraid. They really Your dad really don’t love you. They’re envious of you. They’re envious. They want to take you down. They are they’re actually your competitors. They’re not, you know, and
23. 06:15 so gradually you you’re faced with a choice. Either you choose reality and then it’s mundane. It’s hamra. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Or you keep consuming the this this drug. You’re on a high constant high, you know, and he’s the sole pusher.
24. 06:37 there’s nobody else around to do this for you. He’s a He’s pushing that drug of narcissism. Oh, you say self-love it, you know, if you stick with me, don’t you feel better about yourself? Yeah. and and and the problem is that in today’s uh civilization, in today’s
25. 06:55 society and so on, the messaging is the messaging in schools, the messaging in self in the self-help industry, the messaging on online, the messaging is you should feel good about yourself. You should have a very high self-esteem. You are unique. You are special.
26. 07:13 It’s almost narcissistic driven to You’re amazing. Yes. Yes. If you go to if you I mean in the education system teachers are are now inculcated. Teachers are taught to tell every child you’re amazing, you’re special, you’re unique, you’re this,
27. 07:29 you’re that. So the narcissist message sounds appropriate. It sounds realistic. Yeah. Because everyone else has been everybody else is saying it. every advertisement, every social media platform, the narcissist message corresponds and it’s loud propaganda.
28. 07:47 All other signals you’re receiving to all other messages you’re receiving. There are no count there’s no counterveailing information. It sits well with with the brainwashing of society at large. It’s like um the consumer consu consumerism. What is the essence of
29. 08:05 consumerism? You deserve this. You you Yeah, you should have it. You know, you have it because it’s somebody’s somebody’s somebody’s holding you back from having this. Yes, you deserve it. You deserve Yes. You haven’t done anything really to deserve it. But no
30. 08:19 matter what happened in your life, you deserve this. You deserve go get it in. Yes, that’s right. And if you don’t have it, you’re self-hating. Yes. You don’t you don’t see yourself. You’re not you’re not your own best friend. And what’s what’s your teacher’s
31. 08:32 message? You’re unique. You’re special. You’re amazing. You’re fascinating. You’re unprecedented. And what’s your what’s the message of um of um uh show business or the media? See, so when the narcissist comes along and tells you that you’re amazing, you’ve heard it all before.
32. 08:49 It doesn’t sound crazy. It doesn’t sound like crazy making. It sounds like Yeah. is Yeah, you’re right. I am unique. I am special. I am drop dead. Yes, you got it right. There is there is no way that that was as loud as it is today. what you’re saying when you started this was it
33. 09:10 no no way I’m just because I’m sitting there thinking we’re talking how many years ago you said in 989 okay so in 1994 in that time frame you’ve been able to sit back and as it were I mean you know you’re you’re seeing this become big I’ve warned I’ve been warning against
34. 09:28 this since the the mid80s what would you call it would you call it and I’m I told you earlier I’m just going to say something I was started to say earlier if If anybody’s watching this, um Sam knows I’ve got numerous amount of questions offcreen here from
35. 09:42 people from the first time he was on. We’re going to try to sneak them in every now and then. Uh and Sam’s just going to uh do what he can before he has to go. But Sam, uh I got to ask this question. When it comes to narcissism, one of the questions is in
36. 09:58 your opinion, is it an epidemic or a pandemic? No, it’s a pandemic. It’s everywhere. It’s in China. It’s in It’s in Egypt. It’s in Israel. It’s in Russia. I’ve lived in 15 countries. It’s everywhere. I’ve lived on 15 countries or four cultures.
37. 10:13 Male or female, doesn’t matter. Young or old. No, it’s a universal absolutely universal phenomenon. And so narcissism is a an organizing principle of modern civilization. It’s uh also an explanatory principle. In other words, if you are trying to make sense of
38. 10:29 things that are happening, politics and in your own personal life and so on, then narcissism comes handy. You say, for example, this guy is a narcissist. That explains his behavior. Put that put that sticker on that person or that situation. Yeah. But it’s not only a sticker. It
39. 10:44 has explanatory power. Ah, to you why that person behaves the way they do. So many people, for example, are trying to make sense of Donald Trump. So they say, well, of course, he’s a narcissist. And that’s the end of conversation ended. Everything is explained. Everything is
40. 11:00 So narcissism is an organizing principle as well. Um but the narcissist secret weapon is loneliness. The narcissist leverage of the prey. Yes. The loneliness of the prey. When I started my work in the 1980s, a typical individual in in western industrialized societies had 10 close
41. 11:26 good friends. 10 zero. Mhm. The number today is 0.9. So today an average individual in industrialized societies has 0.9 good friends. That’s a lot of isolated people. S. Well, it’s an amazing shift within within 40 years. That’s a lot of people not connected to
42. 11:52 somebody that is looking out for their well-being. And all types of interactions, sex included, are declining precipitously. For example, the younger generations, generation Z and so on, they’re having far less sex than my generation. Far less. Sex is a mode of communication. It’s
43. 12:12 talking with your body basically. I mean one is it’s a casual conversation but it’s a conversation. It’s a dialogue. And so these people are so disconnected they’re not even having sex. You know people people place much much larger emphasis on animals than on other
44. 12:32 people. I’ve just I’m just coming back from Vienna. Yeah. Vienna has an inordinate number of animal shelters. Like every second building is an animal shelter. Yet they they have extremely few homeless shelters. Wow. Maybe two or three. They have like
45. 12:52 hundreds if not thousands of animal shelters. And they have like three homeless shelters. The animal is in its care is taking more precedent. People have dogs than humans. People have dogs and cats. They don’t have lovers. They don’t have companions.
46. 13:07 They don’t have friends. They have dogs and cats. Nobody’s talking to each other. We have become technologically self-sufficient, which gave us the opportunity and the excuse to let go of other people, to isolate, to selfisolate. Being with other people is a full-time job. Yes.
47. 13:27 It’s hard. It requires investments and resources and commitment. You have to you have to traverse the intersubjective space. There are hardships and difficulty. It sucks. Being with other people is, you know, not always a pleasant experience. Actually, in the
48. 13:42 vast majority of cases, it’s a really bad experience. Here we are. And technology allows us to avoid this. Totally avoid people. Totally avoid people. And we embrace we embrace we run. No, we run to it and embrace it. I get what you’re saying. Would you say it’s an organized
49. 14:04 propaganda, narcissistic propaganda scheme to get people to live that life? I’m just throwing that out there as a weirdo. No, it just happened that this is taking place. Conspiracy conspiracy. However, it is true. However, it is true that capitalism and especially I could see that
50. 14:21 technoc capitalism yes would like you to be isolated would like you to not have intimacy to be on Facebook to be on Instagram to be on I say I always say the following if if you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend you spend less time on Facebook which is bad for business
51. 14:42 Facebook this social media they want you to be completely isolated and to have no one in your life because other people take away from the profits of Facebook and and Instagram. Yes. YouTube and so on. So the more so so the two people are sitting at a park talking and stuff like
52. 15:00 that, they lose money. They need you to be talking to people you’ve never met and give you hundreds of them so you’re addicted. [Music]