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1. 00:00 No text shame and guilt are often conflated and confused they're not the same effect they do not possess the same ideology or causation and shame and guilt have a complicated relationship with power ironically guilty people experience guilt because they've had the power to
2. 00:26 make a different choice one cannot feel guilty when one is powerless or impotent because when you are powerless or impotent you're not responsible for what is happening for events for circumstances for decisions and choices never mind how badly they turn out to be
3. 00:48 guilt therefore is premised on the condition that you have had power the power to make a decision to affect a choice to choose right from wrong to choose good not evil and then having made your choice using your power having adopted the decision using the
4. 01:13 power granted to you or inherent in you only then can you feel guilty for the consequences and the outcomes of these choices and decisions if you are shackled incarcerated if you are controlled if you owned if you're possessed if you if you are in short powerless
5. 01:36 why would you feel guilty nothing that's happening around you to you and with you has anything to do with you if you are unable to make free decisions if you are unable to adopt choices then of course you're not responsible you should not be held accountable
6. 01:57 you're very unlikely to feel guilty guilt therefore is associated exclusively with empowerment with having power with potency so guilt goes with with all these helpless people feel shame not guilt No text powerful people feel guilt if they ever do remorse
7. 02:21 is the effect of powerful people helpless people incapacitated people disabled people people who are controlled from the outside they feel shame not guilt and this is why pathological narcissism is associated with shame not with guilt narcissists do
8. 02:44 not experience guilt or remorse or regret precisely because they perceive themselves to be essentially and ironically helpless narcissists have an external locus of control and aloplastic defenses they tend to blame everyone around them everything around them other people
9. 03:07 institutions history the nation collectives the workplace the boss the wife the the spouse the girlfriend the boyfriend their own children the church you name it they always blame other people for their misguided decisions and choices fiascos defeats and failures
10. 03:27 they are never responsible but when you deny respons when you deny self- responsibility you're also denying your own power it means that you're controlled from the outside it means that your fate is determined by others and this is known as external locus of
11. 03:45 control the narcissist possesses aloplastic defenses the tendency to shift blame to others because he fully embraces the thesis that his life is not his own that is the play thing of bigger forces and and higher structures and institutions there's always a grandiosity gap the
12. 04:10 difference between self-concept self-image which are inflated and fantastic and counterfactual the way the narcissist perceives himself and the contravening cues and stimuli and information and data from reality the greater the conflict between grandiosity
13. 04:28 and reality the greater the contradiction between self-concept and and reality the greater the friction between fantasy and the world life the bigger this gap the grandiosity gap the greater the narcissist's feelings of shame the narcissist is therefore hellbent on closing and
14. 04:51 minimizing the grandiosity gap protecting somehow this fragile self-concept which is constantly under attack and there are two varieties of shame narcissistic shame which is a narcissist experience of the grandiosity gap and its effective correlates
15. 05:09 subjectively narcissistic shame feels as No text a pervasive um effect of worthlessness there's a dysfunctional regulation of selfworth it's the crux of pathological narcissism it's the internalized great object the narcissist says stovoce unconsciously says to himself "You're
16. 05:32 unworthy you're inadequate you're a failure you're a loser." This creates the vulnerability and the fragility of the self-concept which then the narcissist tries to protect by projecting the exact the exact opposite i'm a winner i'm godlike i'm perfect
17. 05:50 and so this um pervasive feeling of worthlessness invisibility and ridicule this idea of reference everyone is out to disprove the narcissist self-concept cause the narcissist to become defensive narcissism is a defensive structure it's a firewall and at the core of it all
18. 06:16 think of it as a nuclear reactor where there's a core the core of this nuclear reactor is shame the patient the narcissist feels pathetic and foolish deserving of mockery and humiliation and then in an attempt to avoid these intolerable unbearable effects the
19. 06:34 narcissist becomes something or someone else the false self narcissists adopt all kinds of defenses to counter narcissistic shame they develop addictive reckless or impulsive behaviors some of them become antisocial a bit psychopathic they deny withdraw
20. 06:53 rage or engage in a compulsive pursuit of some kind of unattainable of course perfection narcissists display rottiness and exhibitionism all these are attempts to deny repress or reframe the shame all these defenses are primitive they in they are infantile they involve
21. 07:13 splitting projection projective identification intellectualization compartmentalization and others No text this is a narcissistic shame but there's another type of shame which applies to generally helpless people who are not narcissists and this second type of
22. 07:30 shame is self- related it is a result of the gap between person's ego ideal the way a person aspires to be and how the person really is coming back to the narcissist the narcissist actually has narcissistic shame but also self-related shame the self-related shame in the case
23. 07:53 of the narcissist is the result of the gap between the narcissist's grandiose ego ideal and his self or self-concept so there is a the grandiosity the first type of grandiosity gap is between the narcissist self-concept which is inflated and fantastic and perfect and reality
24. 08:14 there is this gap between reality and who the narcissist perceives himself to be so that's the first type of grandiosity gap and the second type of of grandiosity gap between is between who the narcissist really is and who the narcissist aspires to be imagine himself
25. 08:32 to be so there's an external grandiosity gap and an internal grandiosity gap this is a well-known concept of shame it has been explored widely in the literature guilt is an objectively determinable philosophical entity given relevant knowledge regarding the society and
26. 08:54 culture in question you can anticipate and predict guilt perfectly guilt guilt therefore is context dependent it is the derivative of an underlying assumption by others that a moral agent exerts control over certain aspects of the world and should have
27. 09:11 known better and should have acted differently this is an empowered agent an agent with power an agent with an internal locus of control an agent who is in charge of his or her own life an agent who is the driver and the pilot of her own existence
28. 09:32 narcissist is none of these things the narcissist is controlled from the outside via the false self via the gaze of others and this powerlessness this impotence gives rise to shame No text and the shame is founded the shame is the shame poisons the narcissist from
29. 09:54 the inside narcissist attempts to compensate for the for this for the for this shame by pretending to be shameless by pretending to be someone who need not be ashamed the perfect godlike omniscient omnipotent this kind of being this kind of entity has no cause or call for shame
30. 10:17 but the minute the narcissist adopts this dysfunctional solution to shame it creates two grandiosity gaps one between the narcissist's inflated fantastic self-concept an attempt to compensate for the shame and reality and another grandio grandioity gap
31. 10:40 between the narcissist the way the narcissist sees himself as this perfect god-like being and the the narcissist reality the who the narcissist really is so the ego ideal and the actual narcissist these two grandiosity gaps coalesce they are they great on the narcissist
32. 11:03 they erode the narcissist from the inside they have corrosive power they drive the narcissist rendering the narcissist relentless driven they they cause within the narcissist the compulsion to rearrange the world to influence other people to coers them
33. 11:22 into a fantasy the shared fantasy and this is the sequence the narcissist feels powerless has an external locus of control aloplastic defenses blames everyone and everything for his or her own wrong choices and decisions and their outcomes this sense of powerlessness creates
34. 11:46 shame it's shameful to be powerless especially over your own life the attempt to compensate for the shame involves the false self the narcissist creates a self-concept which is godlike and that is a compensation for the shame because God need not be ashamed of
35. 12:05 course this god-like entity that takes over the narcissist subsumes the narcissist consumes the narcissist this god-like entity generates immediately gaps between the inflated fantastic
36. 12:22 grandio counterfactual self-concept and reality and between this self-concept and who the narcissist really is and these gaps these gaps actually generate foster additional shame and it is a perpetual mobility maybe the only case the shame never goes away it is just
37. 12:47 transmuted and transubstantiated through the mechanisms of the false self and the grandiosity gap the gaps generate shame the false self fends off the shame by becoming even more grandiose and this grandiosity generates additional gaps which generate shame which drive the
38. 13:11 grandiosity and is it is an escalating spiral the narcissist can never get off this conveyor belt this treadmill of shame and compensatory grandiosity which generates additional shame and even more compensatory grandiosity add infinitum and adnosium