Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video.

1. 00:00 No text sometimes psychology appears to be counterintuitive not to say counterfactual consider the following question for example when someone abuses you when someone tortures you and hurts you when someone inflicts pain on you maybe even enjoys it it is you who feel who who
2. 00:25 experience experiences shame why do you feel ashamed what have you done wrong he is the abuser she is the abuser not you and yet you are the one wallowing in self-rrimation self-rejection self-criticism why this bizarre reaction i'm about to explain it to you my name
3. 00:53 is Sam Vaknin i'm the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and luckily for you I'm a professor of No text psychology when you are the target or the victim of abuse especially protracted abuse over a lengthy period of time when you're being mistreated or
4. 01:14 maltreated habitually when it is part of a policy or a strategy when we are being manipulated and When you experience pain you feel helpless the underlying monologue is "I'm a helpless victim there's nothing I can do about it." This is known as learned helplessness but
5. 01:41 helplessness is very humiliating and it is this sensation this feeling of helplessness that gives rise to shame so when you are subjected to abuse torture maltreatment mistreatment discrimination when you are shunned or ridiculed or mocked or humiliated or
6. 02:08 whatever you feel helpless you feel unable to do anything about it it takes away your agency and your self-efficacy you feel objectified you feel as an inert receptacle of the abuse you are a
7. 02:27 kind of passive recipient an observer of your own demise and so this helplessness gives rise to a profound sense of disgrace kind of shaming self humiliation No text but of course humiliation and shame are intolerable they're unbearable when pain is transformed into
8. 02:55 shame this creates dissonance on the one hand you are fully aware that you have done nothing wrong that you're not responsible should not be held accountable that you're not guilty of anything and on the other hand you feel shame these two cannot be put
9. 03:13 together they cannot be reconciled and this is what is known as cognitive dissonance and the solution is of course shame itself why do you why does one feel ashamed because one self imputes responsibility in other words you feel ashamed when you when you have done
10. 03:34 something wrong when you when you are responsible for something that has happened that is unacceptable untoward something unsemly wrong erroneous sinful behavior so the underlying message the internal monologue in shame is I'm responsible but you're responsible only
11. 04:02 when you are in control only people who are in control are responsible for their actions and the consequences of these actions only people in control guarantee outcomes by making choices and decisions as to specific courses of action so when you feel
12. 04:25 pain your instant reaction is I'm helpless there's nothing I can do about it learned helplessness and you compensate for the pain you compensate for this helplessness you try to mitigate it amilarate it somehow redeem yourself and in a way eliminate the
13. 04:46 helplessness deny it by feeling shame ironically shame restores a sense of control over the situation a sense of mastery you are now the master you're now in charge you're the boss you're in control because you are responsible for what's happening and you feel shame because you
14. 05:14 are responsible your shame is attached to a kind of social dissonance a kind of anomic um dissonance where you say to yourself I feel shame because probably I've done something wrong this is known as autolastic defense so very often when you're subjected to abuse when you're
15. 05:38 traumatized when you are tortured when you are harassed when you're stalked when you're mocked when you're shunned when you're ridiculed when you are subjected when you are the recipient of maltreatment and mistreatment your first reaction would be to feel helpless but
16. 05:55 then immediately you would compensate for it by feeling shame by experiencing shame and the reason you're doing this is because you want to restore a sense of control and mastery over what's happening to you by deceiving yourself into believing that you have somehow
17. 06:16 contributed to the situation that it is somehow your fault that it is the inexurable and in inelectable outcome of choices you have made and decisions you have taken this form of selfdeception resolves the cognitive dissonance and now you feel shame but
18. 06:37 this helps with the pain it helps with the hurt because if you were if you are the cause of your own maltreatment and mistreatment and abuse if you have contributed to it some somehow if you have brought it upon yourself then you are in charge then you're
19. 06:57 empowered and you need to feel shame because you've misbehaved somehow because you're responsible of what's happening somehow you need to feel ashamed shame is very unpleasant but it is preferable to feeling like the play thing of sadistic abusers this is why
20. 07:17 people choose shame over pain they choose shame over hurt they choose shame over helplessness by creating a narrative in which they somehow involved they have somehow contributed they have somehow been in charge and therefore they can somehow undo the damage and
21. 07:42 avoid the inevitable consequences and outcomes of abuse trauma torture and mistreatment