Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video.

1. 00:01 today I want to discuss a stressful subject stress and how to cope with stress effectively and positively believe it or not there are four ways to do that and all of them were discovered by well Germans my name is Sam Vaknin the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism
2. 00:24 revisited the first book ever on narcissistic abuse and I'm also a stressless professor of psychology in several very stressing and stressful universities okay we are talking about the work by in 2003 Schwartza and Kol proposed that there are four ways to cope with stress which
3. 00:56 are essentially positive they tackle the stress get rid of it somehow or transform it into positive energy and they do this in a way that does doesn't create dissonance doesn't actually end up adding stress so the the first strategy is anticipatory coping
4. 01:19 anticipatory coping is a stress management strategy and in this strategy one seeks to avoid problems or minimize problems associated with a critical event that is occurring in the near future and that involves potential risk in other words it's a form of minimizing catastrophizing
5. 01:43 so we all faced with such events a scheduled public speech a job interview a date with a meaningful other an exam a promotion coping with your adolescent children i mean we all face repeatedly and consistently with events and we know that we're going to react with stress to
6. 02:04 these events they're stressful and so anticipatory uh management requires us to minimize these problems or to somehow avoid them and how how to do that it's the management of known risks it involves efforts to solve the actual problems and that is the distinction the
7. 02:29 difference between ruminating and worrying ruminating is when you are focused on the problem but never on the solutions whereas worrying is when when you are focused on the solutions while minimizing or somehow tackling the problem the idea when you worry is to
8. 02:51 solve the problem the idea when you ruminate is to revisit the problem time and again to regurgitate it and so getting rid of catastrophizing and getting rid of rumination understanding how to manage known risks how to solve actual problems that's at the core of anticipatory
9. 03:15 management the manage management strategy under the Schwartza kol system they suggest to increase effort to enlist the help of other people to invest in resources or to force yourself to feel good in spite of the risks for example by redefining the situation as
10. 03:38 less threatening by distracting yourself by gaining assurance from others this strategy is assumed to increase with middle and old age and is one of four types of coping proposed by these German psychologists as we grow older as we mature we tend to adopt this strategy
11. 04:03 almost instinctively and reflexively the next type of strategy is known as reactive coping it involves efforts to deal with a past or present stressful situation for example divorce marital dissolution losing one's job some kind of life crisis and you do that by
12. 04:26 compensating for or accepting the associated harms and losses you make a list you say to yourself I'm going to divorce i'm going to lose my job this is what's going to happen these are the risks these are the dangers these are the damages and then somehow the next
13. 04:45 question should be how to compensate for all these and if you can't compensate for these then how to accept them acceptance is a major healer major major component of healing and in almost all situations you can always compensate there's always
14. 05:08 a compensation if you just put your mind to it reactive coping involves efforts to readjust goals to find benefits or to search for meaning refring the imminent looming crisis often converts it from doom and gloom to an opportunity this is one of four types of coping
15. 05:34 proposed by I remind you the German psychologists Ralph Schwartzer and Ninaknol and reactive coping is problem focused emotion focused or social relations focused the next type of coping is preventive coping again it's a stress management strategy
16. 05:55 it's a strategy that involves preparing for possible events in the long term by building up resources and reserves to help to minimize the severity of the inevitable impact as I said acceptance is a crucial component a crucial key you don't fight the inevitable you
17. 06:19 prepare for it that's my criticism of climate change warriors climate change is in inevitable fighting it only increases stress we need to learn to adapt examples of events that may or may not occur in the distant future include job loss forced retirement crime illness
18. 06:42 poverty and worse and the perceived ambiguity stimulates a broad range of behaviors that are intended to accentuate one's psychological strengths and accumulate wealth social capital and bonding skills just in case it's a just in case strategy not just in time strategy so if
19. 07:10 you maintain a savings account if you lock the doors when you're away from home if you carry health insurance these are all effectively preventive strategies preventive coping is not born out of an acute stress situation but rather it's a reasonable concern about
20. 07:30 the inherent hazards risks and dangers in daily life and daily living and finally there's proactive coping it reflects efforts to build up resources that facilitate promotion towards challenging goals and personal growth proactive individuals are motivated to
21. 07:54 meet challenges they commit themselves to their own high standards they see demands and opportunities in the distant future and they initiate a constructive path of action towards meeting these demands and challenges and even obstacles this preparation reduces anxiety this
22. 08:15 preparation is anxolytic it reduces stress the very act of preparation restores a sense of mastery and control stress is interpreted as oo stress that is productive arousal vital energy and coping becomes goal management instead of risk management and so
23. 08:42 in contrast to the other three types of coping proposed by Schwartza and Kol proactive coping does not arise from any negative appraisals there's no anticipation of harm and loss or threat on the very contrary there's the belief that you can convert any contingency any
24. 09:02 vicissitude any exigency any challenge any obstacle or hurdle any um mishap you can convert them into something positive austress ustress is the positive stress response ustress involves optimal levels of stimulation kind of stress that results
25. 09:23 from challenging but unattainable and but attainable and enjoyable or worthwhile tasks so if you force yourself to participate in an athletic event or to give a speech you are actually creating ustress eust stress has a beneficial effect by generating a
26. 09:42 sense of fulfillment accomplishment control mastery and it facilitates growth development and high levels of performance it is the exact opposite opposite of distress estress was first described by the Hungarianborn Canadian endocrinologist Hans Celier
27. 10:04 and so the coping strategies of Schwartza and Nol actually aim to convert distress to ustress and if you do that on a regular basis engage in all four strategies prepare yourself reframe the situation you will discover that you are a lot less worried
28. 10:27 a lot less stress a lot less anxious a lot more energized and a lot more ready to take on the world the way children do when they separate individuate at age 2 or 3 years old they leave mommy behind and it's extremely stressful it's terrifying and yet they venture forward
29. 10:51 they venture forth to explore and discover the world takes a bit of grandiosity of course but this is the kind of narcissism that is healthy