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1. 00:02 She is elusively haunting. She is inexurably captivating. And she is deliciously dominant with a hint, a tinge, a shade of promising decadence and corruption, ambient, and yet so much hers. This is the topic of today's video. How the fatal ent traps the narcissist. How she
2. 00:31 subjugates the narcissist using and leveraging the narcissist's gullibility and the narcissist need for a fantasy. She affords a narcissist an escape route out of reality, a vector through which he can emerge. My name is Sabakni and I'm the author of malignant self love narcissism
3. 00:55 revisited. Before we proceed a reminder I'm in Vienna um shortly and if you want a consultation with me write to me. Similarly, if you want to organize a free seminar or free lectures in your location, in your city, in your university, in your clinic, whatever,
4. 01:12 just approach me, write to me at sambakin@gmail.com. svakn one wordgmail.com. I do not charge a speaker fee and I cover all my expenses. Seminars and lectures galore. and from seminars and lectures. Let us transition seamlessly to the fam fatal. The fatal is
5. 01:38 anu. She is an innocent child poised on the verge of decadent corruption. And it is this discrepancy that tugs at the heartstrings. This this this difference between her ostentatious innocuousness and innocence on the one hand and the promise of decadence on the other. She is
6. 02:04 surrounded by salivating wolves and yet is the only true predator among them. Hunting with joy and abandon this joy of an abandon of a toddler in a toy shop. And the narcissist is her toy of preference. The true fan fatal is never cunning, never
7. 02:26 malicious. That would be off-putting. That would be psychopathic. The true fatal is not mature, not an adult, and not an intellectual because these are all boring. The true fatal, on the other hand, is not a busty blonde because she is never vulgar. There's an air of
8. 02:48 attenuated implied refinement about her. She's quaint. Never mind what the fatal wears with or without makeup. Never mind if she is just woken up. Never mind if it's night or day. The fam fatal makes your heart leap out of its cage, thump, palpitate, and throb. She is an infar. A
9. 03:13 heart attack in the flesh in installments in slow motion. She raifies your demise which is delectable. She is a promise as ineluctible as death and as fore ordained as self-destruction. Regardless of how the vanfatal looks, she is always the most
10. 03:36 beautiful and irresistibly seductive woman you will ever have seen. She's both sex and femininity raified. But the true power of the fatal rests with her absent minded indifference to the consequences of her actions. It's a purile adolescent psychopathy that is
11. 04:00 never malignant but always devastating. The fatal is selfish in the purest sense. She pursues her needs and wishes because she cannot do otherwise. She experiences them as impulsively overwhelming. These are intolerable urges, anxietyinducing drives. She hurts even her loved ones
12. 04:25 because she has no other choice. The true fatal is utterly unaware of her fatalness and of her unbridled power over men. This obliviousness to her impact is what renders her irresistible. It makes her a relentless, ruthless and callous huntress and an impersonal force of
13. 04:50 nature. Clinically speaking, the fatal is a combination of estrionic personality disorder, psychopathic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder. And so therefore, the fatal is yet another variant of a dark
14. 05:09 personality. But she's not clinical. She is subclinical. She's almost there. She's almost there when it comes to sex. She's almost there when it comes to submission. She's almost there when it comes to ruining your life with a smile. The smile of a fam
15. 05:28 fatal. And this is what she does to the narcissist. Now, which kind of women can provoke romantic jealousy in a narcissist? Put differently, which kind of women convince the narcissist that he's in love with them. The narcissist is incapable of love,
16. 05:52 definitely incapable of mature, reciprocated adult love. So which kind of women uh pushed the narcissist to tell himself
17. 06:06 convincingly that he had fallen in love where these women are usually what used to be called in the 19th century decadent women or encouraable women. They're both promiscuous and sophisticated, elegant, worldly, cosmopolitan. And the French used to
18. 06:27 call these kind of women fun fatal. When the narcissist comes across a fun fatal, you know, drop deadad gorgeous, elegant, educated, um, irudite, funny, super intelligent, but also totally promiscuous, totally immoral and amoral, a bit psychopathic,
19. 06:52 a lot histrionic, and a lot borderline. So this combination borderline secondary psychopathy histrionic put together is irresistible to the narcissist. And when this combination resides in a woman who is also highly educated, very intelligent, wellraveled,
20. 07:12 exposed to the world, strong, etc., etc. The narcissist finds this kind of women, as I said, irresistible. and then he convinces himself that he is infatuated or that he is in love with them. All these elements must coexist. The narcissist does not react well to homely
21. 07:35 women even if they are promiscuous. If you're promiscuous and homely, the narcissist is going to regard you as a service provider. is going to be he's going to have a relationship with you, but it's going to be a very transactional relationship because the
22. 07:50 minute you're homely, you're a mother figure. And the minute you're a mother figure, the narcissist settles into a shared fantasy which revolves around a maternal figure. He converts you into his mother. But if you're prom promiscuous and elegant and worldly and
23. 08:08 cosmopolitan and amazing and a bit vicious and psychopathic, immoral, reckless, adventurous, uh, callous uh, woman if you're a fatal, it's impossible to convert you into a mother figure. You're the anti antithesis, the the opposite, the anathema of a maternal figure. So then
24. 08:33 the narcissist settles into a shared fantasy of um which is a bit like an you
25. 08:41 know Game of Thrones a bit like a a Netflix series. He settles into a shared fantasy which is a Hollywood fantasy like a movie. And within this shared fantasy he convinces himself that he is in love with this kind of woman. And only this kind of woman can provoke
26. 09:01 um uh romantic jealousy in the narcissist when she misbehaves with other men. There are three tests to tell whether the narcissist regards you as a fun fatal or whether he regards you as your home homely domesticated mother. The first test is the narcissist
27. 09:23 socializes with the friends and the family of the fatal. He would do anything for the fatal, even sacrifice his cosmically precious time, even bear the inferiority and the stupidity of her social circle and her family because the fatal is his life. It's the pivot around
28. 09:46 which his grandio movie revolves. She is the the star in his film production, his co-star. So when he when you are the fun fatal type, the narcissist would do anything for you, including socialize with your friends, socialize with your family, go
29. 10:06 out with you, spend a lot of time with you, an inordinate amount of time with you. When you're the homely mother type, when there when when you are the homely mother type and the narcissist realizes that his shared fantasy with you is actually a recreation of his
30. 10:25 family of origin and a reenactment of his early conflicts with his mother, homebound mother, housewife mother. Well, in this case, the narcissist would be extremely reluctant to provide you with anything above the minimum. He would give you the minimum. He would give you minimum
31. 10:45 attention. He would give you minimum socializing. He would give you very often minimum financial resources. He would give you minimum support and secur if any. So, minimum maximum. With a fun fatal, the narcissist gives his everything, his utmost. He gives the
32. 11:03 maximum with a homely mother figure. He gives the minimum. Test number one. Test number two. With a fun fatal, the narcissist does react to triangulation. When the fun fatal triangulates, he reacts with romantic jealousy. When you triangulate, if
33. 11:22 there's no abandonment in the air, he doesn't care. You can triangulate. You can flirt. Flirt. You can seduce other men in front of him. You can disappear for an entire night with another man. He doesn't care as long he is the as long as he is assured of your presence in his
34. 11:41 life of your object constancy that there is no question of breakup or divorce. You can do anything you want with anyone at any time for as long as you wish. Triangulation doesn't work if you are not the fatal type. Only when you are the fatal type, the narcissist reacts
35. 12:01 ferociously, vehemently, uncontrollably, impulsively, and sometimes aggressively to any hint of an intrusion by someone else. He becomes competitive. He becomes romantically jealous and he is in pain. The third test is um how you how do you react to the narcissist?
36. 12:26 women in the narcissist's life because of the narcissist's overpowering personality, incessant demands, bullying, intermittent reinforcement, aggression, externalized aggression. Because of all these elements, women try to keep the peace. They try to mold
37. 12:46 themselves to conform to the narcissist expectations. They try to please the narcissist. So the fatal type, she would overemphasize her sluttishness, her horishness, her uncontrollable imp compulsive promiscuity. She would play act. She would exaggerate these features because
38. 13:12 she understands intuitively that this is what binds her, what binds a narcissist to her. You on the other hand uh would try to emphasize the motherly side. You would try to render services. You will try to make life pleasant. You try to introduce some
39. 13:31 color. You will try to redesign the home. You will try to create an environment of domesticated bliss, coziness, holding, loving, acceptance. You try to be to act the good enough mother. So the way you react to the narcissist tells you how he sees you
40. 13:51 because he's sending signals. He's signaling his expectations how you should behave, how you should comport yourself, what choices should you make, should it be ostentatious or discreet, etc. So his broadcast, the message he's sending to the fatal, you should be a
41. 14:12 And the message he's sending to you, you should be my mother. And women usually conform. When the narcissist regards you as a playmate, a driver, a companion, a housekeeper, a personal assistant, or a sex slave, when the narcissist makes demands upon
42. 14:36 you, which are 100% self-centered and self-focused, egotistical. When the narcissist transactionally pays you for your services, he makes it very clear, I bring the money home. I'm the provider and you should do ABCD. Or even you're the provider, but you should still do
43. 14:57 ABCD. When he links money, when he connects money or economic issues to the when when the relationship is a give and take, it's a business deal, art of the deal. In this situation, the narcissist is never romantically jealous. He may become possessive if you threaten him with
44. 15:19 abandonment if you threaten to walk away. If you threaten to give up on the relationship, then he might become possessive. He might even re-engage in love bombing and grooming and sex. But he would never be uh romantically jealous. And the reason is that he
45. 15:35 expects from you to give him your presence not to abandon him, services, sex, narcissistic supply, and if he's a sadist sadistic supply. He expects you to be his punching bag. And having given him all this, he expects you to leave him alone. He has a schizoid core. He
46. 15:56 wants his solitude. He wants his solitary pursuits. and he wants the freedom to act in any way he pleases at any time, my way or the highway. So when it's a transactional relationship, the narcissist withdraws from the relationship subject to minimum
47. 16:15 conditions. You give him the minimum, he gives you the minimum. It's a minimal relationship. With a fun fatal, it's an allconsuming, ubiquitous, allervasive relationship. It's a maximum relationship. The narcissist is 100,000% involved in the relationship
48. 16:35 and expects his fun fatal intimate partner to do and to be the same only with him all the time with him. any any glance, any flirt, any look, any comment even regarding past lovers is interpreted immediately as as triangulation, triggers triggers
49. 17:00 romantic jealousy. Should this continue and be repeated, finally the narcissist develops aversion and withdraws from the relationship. So relationship with the fun fatal is maximum minimum all out withdrawal relationship transactional relationship with the
50. 17:22 service providing maternal figure is minimum minimum maximum. The narcissist gives his minimum. If you threaten to leave him he gives his maximum. And sex reflects these dynamics. Narcissists generally have sex within shared fantasies. Very few
51. 17:43 narcissists as opposed to psychopaths. Very few narcissists engage in casual sex. Casual sex is more psychopathic. Narcissists need the shared fantasy because they they engage in sex within a grandio script. They need to to believe they need to convince themselves that
52. 18:02 they own the partner somehow. So anyhow, narcissists engage in sex within shared fantasies and within the shared fantasy, the narcissist continues to engage in sex as long as there is a risk of abandonment or a risk of breakup. And because the fatal is utterly unmmitigatedly in
53. 18:28 uncompromisingly promiscuous, this threat is looming in the air all the time. So sex in the relationship with fam fatal is permanent, a permanent feature. It never stops. There's never sexlessness with a fam fatal because she constantly she is constantly available
54. 18:45 or makes herself available to other men at least in the narcissist's mind and she broadcasts this to him. She tells him openly that she's available to other men. So this keeps him on his toes and he keeps offering sex. Actually, the lovebombing and grooming phases of the
55. 19:02 shared fantasy never end with a fun fatal. Not so with a homely domesticated maternal figure even if she's promiscuous because she is committed to the relationship. She is embedded in the relationship. She is invested in the relationship. She is
56. 19:22 much less likely to abandon. Much less likely even to stray promiscuity notwithstanding. So at some point when object constancy is accomplished when the agulating presence of the intimate partner is guaranteed when he can take her for granted the sex stops the sex ceases and the
57. 19:44 relationship devolves is demoted to servicesonly relationship totally transactional business-like relationship. So with a with a homely type it starts with a lot of sex in love bombing and love bombing and grooming phase and ends with no sex. Once the
58. 20:07 relationship has coalesed and congealed and object constancy is guaranteed. No abandonment will ever happen. At that point, sex stops because it's no longer necessary in order to secure the partner's presence. Because the fatal is never owned, can never be
59. 20:27 possessed, can never be owned, she's too strong, she's too worldly, she's too promiscuous, she's too beautiful, she's too everything. So the narcissist never feels never can never take her for granted. He never feels that her presence is guaranteed. So at that so
60. 20:45 that he has to continue to reacquire her time and again. It's a cycle of approach avoidance that never ends. It's like groundhog day. You know the same day repeats itself every day. So the narcissist in this type of relationships continues with sex
61. 21:07 unabated, uninterrupted and unimpeded which may explain why he's actually romantically jealous. You are romantically jealous when what you give is not enough and your partner seeks the same thing from others. So if you give your partner sex and she has sex with others, it proves
62. 21:32 your inadequacy. Your sex was not good enough for her. She needed more. She needed better. She needed a variety. That's humiliating. That's insulting. provokes romantic jealousy in the relationship with the domesticated homely partner. There's no sex and so
63. 21:50 the narcissist doesn't care doesn't care if she has sex with other other men because you know he's not giving her sex. There's no comparison there. There's no narcissistic injury. There's no challenge. He is not giving her sex. So she's looking for sex elsewhere. It's
64. 22:08 normal. if he if he if he were to not give her food, she would go to a restaurant. It's totally understandable and there's no it's not perceived as personal. But with a fun fatal, the narcissist provides sex all the time. And if she betrays him and cheats on
65. 22:24 him, it provokes romantic jealousy. Romantic jealousy is driven in large part by comparing yourself to the other men. There's an element of competition in romantic jealousy. very strong. I mean, it's documented in studies. Men are focused on the visual side of the
66. 22:46 cheating and they compare themselves every parameter, every organ, every bit of performance to the other block. What did he give you that I didn't? I mean, was he better than me? Did was he longer than me? Everything. Was he thicker than me? So these are
67. 23:05 these questions are more common than you know in romantic jealousy. So romantic jealousy is about competition and there's no competition within the transactional diet within the transactional couple because some things are missing. There's no love, there's no
68. 23:21 intimacy, there's no sex. So it's normal for the intimate partner to look for these things outside the marriage. With a fatal it's different. What about notification? I've dedicated several several uh videos to
69. 23:40 modification. Before we go to modification, I want to reiterate one thing. The core of narcissism is is a schizoid core. At heart, at heart, the narcissist is an abused and traumatized child. And this child just wants to not be. This child seeks absence not presence. This child
70. 24:04 doesn't want to be to live. This child wants to be unborn to go back to the womb. The child withdraws from the world and withdraws from objects in the world other people because they cause him a lot of pain, a lot of hurt. The child just want to be left alone, solitary,
71. 24:23 and pursue solitary things that give him pleasure. His hobbies, his collections, whatever. So the transactional relationship is serviceoriented and minimal because the main commodity the main good within this relationship is solitude. The intimate partner of a narcissist
72. 24:45 agrees to seek intimacy and sex and love outside the bond, outside the marriage in order to let to give the narcissist the time and the space and the loneliness, the solitude that he really needs. This is the compromise. I will let you have all the time in the
73. 25:09 world to do anything you please as you wish. I'm going to leave you alone. I'm not going to nag. I'm not going to ask for anything, says the intimate partner. But let me outsource my needs. Let me find others who will. And the narcissist says, "Okay, fine with me.
74. 25:25 Just be here. Just service me. Just admire me and everything is fine with me. No problem." But with the fatal is not the same. The fun fatal, the narcissist doesn't want to be left alone, doesn't want his solitude. And the reason is he cannot reach object
75. 25:45 constancy. He to to to be within the space of solitude to pursue to be alone, to be left alone. The narcissist needs to feel safe. He needs to feel that his intimate partner is present. Never mind what she is doing at any given moment, but she's present. She will always be
76. 26:05 there when he needs her if he's in in trouble. If he if he's you know he wants he wants a mother a mother figure in his life. The fun fatal doesn't give him that. So he's constantly motivated to pursue her. It's an endless chase. Now motification is not possessiveness and
77. 26:25 it's not romantic jealousy. Although the narcissist experiences it as romantic jealousy and as possessiveness. Ironically, motification is soulsearching. It's a process of introspection, process of looking. When the narcissist looks inside himself through other people's
78. 26:48 eyes, he adopts other people's gaze, other people's opinions of him, other people's reactions to him. For a minute he vanishes and he becomes other people and he sees himself through their eyes and it's shattering. It's utterly destructive. It it creates a need to
79. 27:12 brood to soul search to introspect to think deeply about for the first time perhaps who he is his identity. What makes him tick? Why does he misbehave the way he does? Why does he make certain choices and avoids other? Why does he act or doesn't act? He for the
80. 27:33 first time he kind of it's self-administered therapy actually motification and it's a very very dangerous process because the narcissist is when he's motifed he goes through the compensation he loses all his defenses and he's a child he's a child who has
81. 27:52 survived only because of his defenses and when these defenses are gone he doesn't know how to cope he doesn't know how to survive is mortified. Romantic jealousy doesn't lead to introspection, doesn't lead to soulsearching, only pain, only aggression, only aversion, only
82. 28:14 withdrawal. But there's no rarely any question, self- questioning, self-doubt, uh self analysis. It's rare. Possessiveness definitely not. But in motification does um the narcissist is motifed is never motified by the fun fatal because the fun fatal is taken to be
83. 28:44 essentially um an incourageable, promiscuous, hopeless, broken, damaged woman. The Nasis expects the worst from the fanfatal. Nothing she does surprises him. Nothing she does shocks him. Everything she does makes him make makes him angry. Everything she does provokes
84. 29:07 romantic jealousy. But no surprise, no shock. It's not sudden. It's it's not abrupt. So a fun fatal can never motivate the narcissist. The narcissist is motifed only by women in a transactional bond. Women whom he considers who he considers inferior to
85. 29:30 him and women he did not love. Women he's not infatuated with homely transactional maternal women. It is the betrayal of the mother that is humiliating that is unexpected that is shocking and abrupt and sudden. And the betrayal of this mother
86. 29:50 figure is a wakeup call. The narcissist says, "What the heck? How did I drive her to do this? How bad must I have been for her to have to have adopted this course of action? What am I doing wrong?" This this is the first modification is the sole occasion where the narcissist is
87. 30:14 sincerely remorseful and self-critical for a while. For a while, usually he then reverts to external motification and he blames his intimate partner. But there's a window there's a short window days weeks sometimes months a short window where the narcissist is
88. 30:33 open open to acknowledging and accepting his responsibility his guilt and feels very ashamed remorseful and regretful only mortification no other condition. And so a narcissist can be mortified and realize for example that he's a schizoid narcissist. He should he
89. 30:53 can reach a conclusion that he should stay away from people that he should pursue narcissistic supply or sadistic supply that he's commodified anonymous that he should lead a solitary life that you should he should avoid sex love and intimacy with with people that he should
90. 31:09 you know be single. Many many narcissists reach this conclusion that they should be single for life. It's an example of the outcome of motification. Another possible outcome of modification is for the narcissist to accept that he's abusive, sadistic, not all there, mentally ill,
91. 31:29 and his own worst enemy. Motification can lead to these conclusions. Motification can lead to the conclusion that the narcissist is actually not superior to other people, especially other men, but inferior to them because he is irredeemably disabled. infantile or not a man at
92. 31:51 all. Another possible conclusion is that the narcissist is disrespected, hated, feared. People are revolted by him because he disrespects and humiliates and berates himself with his misbehavior, with his bizarre eccentric choices and decisions, with
93. 32:10 his temper tendrs, with his childish be childish conduct and comport. So modification could lead to really really important therapeutic breakthroughs, self-inflicted, self-generated therapeutic breakthroughs which Hornai called self analysis. And if on that occasion if when the
94. 32:35 narcissist is mortified he's in touch with a professional with a mental health practitioner a good practitioner capitalizes on this on these breakthroughs these insights Freud called them insights and and uses leverages the practitioner leverages the insights to
95. 32:57 transform the narcissist. Actually, it's precisely what cold therapy does. In cold therapy, we mortify the narcissist via retraumatization. The narcissist then begins to realize many things about himself. Unsavory things, bad things, non-grandio things, humiliating things,
96. 33:21 shameful. He begins to realize this and he goes through a phase of suicidal ideiation, extreme depression. But this phase is a window of opportunity. It is from the depths of the abyss that we can uplift the narcissist back now equipped with self-nowledge.
97. 33:43 And self-nowledge is empowering. Self-nowledge is transformative. This is the only hope for a narcissist. Motification is his only hope to get in touch with his humiliated, ashamed, broken, damaged, crying, sad,
98. 34:04 painful, hurting inner child is only hope is mortification. And so ironically, intimate partners, transactional intimate partners, maternal intimate partners who betray the narcissist and mortify him, they do him a great favor. If you love your narcissist
99. 34:25 truly, you would walk away in the most egregious and ostentatious backstabbing way possible so as to wake him up. to wake him up into the reality of himself and to allow him to gradually come to grips with it and maybe maybe once in a million to change.
100. 34:55 So sometimes what looks bad is actually good and what looks good is bad and this is one of these cases.