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1. 00:02 Narcissists abuse people. There's no debate about this. They cause suffering. They harm people. They hurt people. There's no debate about this either. I am the guy who coined the phrase narcissistic abuse. I was the first to describe narcissistic abuse in
2. 00:23 the late 80s and early 90s. I know a thing or two about narcissistic abuse. And yet there are numerous misconceptions. First and foremost amongst them is how do narcissists see their own actions? How do they regard their own choices and decisions, misconduct and behavior? Do
3. 00:49 they consider themselves to be abusers, perpetrators, or do they have a different sland, a different angle on how they comport themselves throughout their lives? This is the topic of today's video. How do narcissists regard their own abuse? My name is Sam Vapin. I'm the
4. 01:12 author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited, the first book ever on narcissistic abuse. and I'm also a professor of psychology. Before we go to the topic of this video, I would like to clarify a few things. There are self-styled experts online who claim that narcissism
5. 01:30 is genetically determined. Well, it stands to reason. I think this is the case, but there is no evidence, no rigorous serious evidence to support it at this stage. making such claims is irresponsible. Even more so when these very same self-experts claim that
6. 01:52 selfstyled experts claim that narcissism, pathological narcissism involves intentionality. The abuse is premeditated, intentional, planned, goal oriented. They're confusing, of course, psychopaths with narcissists. Additionally, there's a contradiction
7. 02:12 here. If pathological narcissism is genetically predetermined, then the narcissist's actions are predestined. They are programmed. They are not intentional. They are not deliberate. They're not goal oriented, but they are the outcomes of genetic
8. 02:28 programming. You can't have both, I'm afraid. Next is the debate regarding whether narcissists are self-aware. And I repeatedly say narcissists are aware fully of their actions. They can tell the difference between right and wrong and they do make choices and decisions
9. 02:49 and they can turn off their narcissistic behaviors. For example, when they're afraid in prison, the narcissist is terrified for his own life and would tend to become a lot less narcissistic. He would play dead. But awareness of actions is not the same as awareness of
10. 03:12 motivations. Awareness of actions is not the same as awareness of one's beliefs or values. Doxastic or axiological conformity. Awareness of actions simply means that you know what you're doing. You know that what you're doing may have adverse consequences both for yourself and as
11. 03:34 far as other people are concerned. You know you're hurting other people but it does not mean that you know why you are doing all these things. Nor does it mean that you can control your actions. One should make a distinction which very few self-styled experts make
12. 03:53 between purposeful and intentional. The narcissist's actions, misconduct, misbehavior, controlling behaviors, abuse, all these are purposeful. In other words, they fulfill some purpose, but they're not intentional. Psychopathic abuse is both goal oriented, purposeful, and
13. 04:19 intentional, premeditated, deliberate. Narcissistic abuse is purposeful, but not intentional. Unconscious action, action that is motivated by unconscious psychonamics, psychological processes can definitely be purposeful. Animals are purposeful. Viruses are
14. 04:42 purposeful. Purposefulness simply means that a specific action yields specific outcomes. That there is a a monolent connection between actions and outcomes. It does not mean that there is any kind of conscious control, deliberateness, premeditation,
15. 05:03 intention. It doesn't mean any of this. So narcissists are like some kind of machines machinery. They are programmed in advance full of bug bugs and glitches. They carry out the advanced programming time and again. This is known as repetition compulsion.
16. 05:23 They are fully aware of what they're doing. They can choose right from wrong. They prefer not to. They don't care. In prison, for example, or in the army, in the military, they're totally different. So, obviously, they have behavioral. They can maintain behavioral control and
17. 05:39 affect behavioral modification. All this is true and that's why narcissists should be held accountable for their actions criminally and morally. However, at the same time, the narcissist goes through the motions, harms people, hurts people, abuses people, torments people, tortures
18. 06:01 people, exploits people, goes through the motions, is able to turn turn all this off, but he is not aware at all. He can't tell you why he's doing any of this. He is totally divorced and detached from his internal reality and by the way from external reality as well. Narcissism,
19. 06:21 pathological narcissism is a close kin of psychosis as Otto Kernburg had observed. Okay, having said all this, how does the narcissist perceive his own actions? Narcissists are aware of their actions. They know what they're doing is wrong, etc.,
20. 06:39 etc. But how do they perceive this? How do what stories do they tell themselves? Which are the narratives that they construct to feel comfortable with themselves? Egoonic to feel good with themselves. So narcissists as an overarching statement, narcissists do
21. 07:01 not perceive their actions as abuse. They do not consider what they are doing to be wrong. They may know it's wrong, but they say other people it's think it's wrong. I don't think it's wrong. In other words, they place themselves above the law. Exactly like
22. 07:21 psychopaths, narcissists are a law unto themselves. This is known as consumaciousness. So while the narcissist is able to say most people consider what I'm doing to be wrong at the same time he would have a kind of psychological defense and he
23. 07:41 would say but I do not consider it to be wrong. They are wrong about this action being wrong. So whatever it is that I'm doing that other people think is wrong. The law thinks it's wrong. society thinks it's wrong. They're all wrong. I'm right
24. 08:00 and I'm always right, of course, because I'm infallible and I'm godlike and I'm omnisient. So the first line of defense in pathological narcissism is to devalue everything and everyone else. To insist that other people, society at large, institutions and so on, they are somehow
25. 08:21 inferior intellectually and morally. They are incapable of exercising judgment and rendering moral verdict, a moral verdict. So yes, everyone thinks it's wrong. I, the narcissist, I'm a superior being. I'm endowed with divine qualities and I'm telling you it's not wrong. It's
26. 08:45 actually right to do this. That's the first line of defense. The second line of defense is casting everything, all these behaviors as benevolent altruism, a kind of tough love. I am doing all this, the narcissist would say, to wake you up. I am doing all this to alert you to
27. 09:07 something. I am doing all this to make you a better person. I'm doing all this to improve you, to educate you, to elevate you, to to push you, to to push you, to be ambitious and to accomplish things. I'm doing all this for your sake. I'm abusing you. I'm verbally
28. 09:25 taunting you. I'm humiliating you. I'm shaming you. I'm attacking you. I'm undermining you. Whatever it is that I'm doing that you may think is evil and abusive, you're wrong. I'm doing all this for your sake because I love you, because I care for you, because I want
29. 09:46 you to be better, to be more accomplished, to feel good. I'm catering to your well-being and welfare in doing whatever it is that I'm doing. And this is a form of pro-social communal reframing of the abuse. The narcissist says, "Yes, an outside observer on a
30. 10:09 superficial level may reach a conclusion that my actions are abusive, harmful, um disempathic, um that there is no compassion here, no caring and so on. But all these external observations are wrong because they are surface observations and they don't take take
31. 10:29 into account my motivation and my motivation says the narcissist counterfactually fantastically. He he just believes so but they're not real. But he says my motivation is to help people more specifically to help my intimate partner to help my children to help my neighbors
32. 10:47 to help my nation to help my colleagues. I'm there to help. I'm a rescuer. I'm a savior. I'm a healer. I'm a fixer. I'm a leader. Naturalb born. And I'm there because I'm superior. And I take pity. And I I have compassion for my inferior
33. 11:08 uh compatriots, my inferior family members, my inferior friends and colleagues and so on. And all I want to do is bring them to my level, albe it impossible, but somehow elevate them, open their eyes, educate them, improve them somehow. Hence the abuse, it's just tough love.
34. 11:30 The next line of defense is whatever it is that I'm doing, says the narcissist, however abusive it may appear, however harmful, however torturous, however wicked and evil, whatever it is that I'm doing is necessary. It's a corrective measure. And I'm doing this in order to avoid
35. 11:52 even worse outcomes, adverse outcomes. I know that what I'm doing right now is difficult even for me is horrible, looks bad, but I'm doing it because I know that I'm the one who has to carry the burden. I'm the one who has to pay the price. I'm
36. 12:13 selfsacrificial. I'm sacrificing myself in order to protect others, in order to prevent much worse outcomes. I'm doing this for the greater good. That's another form of pro-social or communal reframing. The next common claim of the narcissist is known as the victimhood
37. 12:34 stance or the victim stance. The narcissist says my abuse is reactive. My I mistreat people because they they deserve it. I'm doing it as a survival strategy. It's a defense. I'm the one being abused. I'm the one being exploited. I'm the one being undermined. I'm the one under
38. 13:00 attack. And everything I'm doing is just a reaction. Now, my tormentors, the people who conspire against me, these malevolent malicious forces and people and institutions, they are under the radar. They're passive aggressive. They are subtle and surreptitious. It's very
39. 13:18 difficult to discern what they're doing, but I know what they're doing. It's a paranoid ideiation stance. I know what they're doing. They're victimizing me. I'm this eternal victim and I'm fighting back. And because I'm I'm honest, not hypocritical and open and direct and
40. 13:36 forthright. Because of that, it appears as if I am the abuser. But actually, I am not the abuser. I'm the victim. I'm the victim and I'm just fighting back for my rights, for my survival, for my well-being, for my peace of mind, for my for my mental health. That's
41. 13:56 all. The next line of defense of the narcissist, when I say a line of defense, I mean line of defense against um shame, against self-rrimation, against guilt, against discomfort, and against the general condition known as egoistony, not feeling comfortable, not feeling good
42. 14:18 with yourself. So these are the lines of defense. The narcissist rewrites and reframes everything, reinvents everything, his behaviors and misbehaviors and misconduct. All of these become very positive things, morally upright, commendable, justified, sublimated, socially u
43. 14:37 commendable, so socially acceptable. So the narcissist um rewrites the script so that his behaviors which should have been frowned upon is subject to criticism um and approprium are actually good behaviors, healthy behaviors, moral behaviors, justified
44. 15:01 behaviors. So one of the main lines of defense of the narcissist is yeah, I did act aggressively. I did I did all this that is ascribed to me, attributed to me, but I did it as justified punishment or retribution. I have been wronged. I've been discriminated against. I've been
45. 15:23 humiliated. I've been shamed. I've been attacked. I've been undermined. I've been challenged. I'm subjected to the mull intentions of hostile forces. There's a conspiracy against me. whatever whichever the case may be, I am it's just payback. This is all just punishment and
46. 15:44 retribution. I'm not vengeful. It's all about justice. I'm restoring justice. And the last line of defense is um my behavior is not particularly abusive. I don't harm people more than usual. My behavior is common. And I would even say, adds the narcissist, I
47. 16:10 would say that my behavior is a sign of honesty, um, canandor, and forthrightness. I'm not hypocritical. There's no hypocrisy. Whatever it is that I'm doing, I'm straightforward. What you see is what you get in your face. Now, the psychopath would add to this another
48. 16:28 codicil. The psychopath would say, "My victims had it coming. They were stupid. They were not vigilant. They they asked for it. It's not my fault. Everyone would have taken advantage of this situation. Everyone would have behaved the same way given the
49. 16:48 temptations. So you should blame my victims. They're responsible for engineering the entire environment and situation I found circumstances I found myself in. I reacted the way any normal person would. So this is the psychopathic defense. It's much less
50. 17:06 common with narcissists. As you see, narcissists are busy constantly refraraming their decisions, their choices, their actions, their behaviors and misbehaviors, and their interactions, interpersonal and other. They're constantly rewriting, reframing. They're
51. 17:25 busy. They're like script writers. full-time job of reinventing the world, embedding it in some kind of self-justifying, self-enhancing, self- aggrandizing fantasy where the narcissist is actually the good person, the morally upright individual, a pro-social communal human
52. 17:43 being who is worthy only of praise and acclamation.