Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Unforgiving Narcissist Hoovers to Revenge, Holds Grudges

1. 00:01 so next time the narcissist tries to hover you he may be doing it because he’s holding a grudge against you how could you tell the difference first of all resist hovering in any case it’s a bad idea to team up again with the narcissist no contact is the only
2. 00:20 solution but if you are wondering intellectually speaking what’s the difference between real hover when the narcissist is trying to re idealize you and match you with the object with the internal object inside his head this is real over narcissist once you again in
3. 00:36 his life and vengeful Hoover or Grudge driven Hoover when the narcissist wants to Hoover you in order to gain access to you in order to somehow punish you for what you have done to him in his mind in reality or not imaginary or actual in his mind you have transgressed you have
4. 01:01 acted as a perpetrator as an enemy and you need to be punished and one of the ways to accomplishing this is to over you how can you tell the difference so first of all ask yourself did did the narcissist ever accuse you of having done something to
5. 01:20 him of having transgressed against him of having shamed him or humiliated him or criticized him or disagreed with him in a way that inflicted on him pain and hurt or rage or anger or whatever has a narcissist repeatedly claimed this was this a constant um kind of complaint of the
6. 01:42 narcissist that’s a warning sign if he has then he’s bearing a grudge it hasn’t gone away don’t convince yourself the time heals all wounds Time Heals all wounds in human beings not in narcissist so that’s the first question second question the transgression The
7. 02:02 Narcissist accuses you of the misbehavior the misconduct he imputes to you the he attributes to you are they real or imaginary if they have actually occurred it’s one thing if they are imaginary it would indicate the existence of a grudge be very careful next
8. 02:25 thing does the narcissist idealize you in the same way when he’s trying to hover you does he puts does he put emphasis on the same things the first time he love momed you first time he’s idealized you the first time he’s introduced you into his shared fantasy
9. 02:41 he emphasized for example your good looks is he emphasizing the very same things right now if he is not it’s an indication of the existence of a grudge an attempt to change his perception of you and consequently his perception of himself the next thing does the narcissist
10. 03:03 insist that he must win he can’t lose he can’t be outwitted he’s always right with you regarding a specific case so the narcissist homes in on a specific event specific argument specific fight specific uh public shaming specific something and then he insists that he
11. 03:32 must rectify the situation because he can’t lose he insist that he hasn’t been outwitted he was just biing his time he insists that he he has he has been right and you have been wrong if he keeps emphasizing this is trying to reconstruct his grandiosity by hoovering
12. 03:49 you stay away it means he’s holding a grudge next is he righteous is he being sanctimonious and righteously indignant about it is he rigid he won’t consider any other point of view does he claim to have suffered a moral injury does he say or insist that
13. 04:13 he is has attained the high moral ground why you have acted in a manner which is immoral and unethical does he try to blame you does he want you to own the blame does he insist that what you’ve done to him is caused such injury that it’s irreversible irreversible cannot be
14. 04:34 solved cannot be healed cannot be treated these are signs of a major Grudge is he trying to restore Justice in his own mind and Equity does he ask you or demand for some kind of confession reparation restitution making amends does he insist that you should
15. 04:52 alter his behavior spoil him cater to his needs act obsequious and submissive obey him in every every way shape or form because you owe it you owe it to him having having transgressed against him you now have to prove yourself these are all signs of a grudge is a
16. 05:13 narcissist being punitive vengeful does he seek Vindication from you does he overtly and openly punish you in a variety of ways silent treatment verbal abuse I don’t know is he trying to reassert control does he begin to micromanage you does he
17. 05:34 uh inject himself into every area of his life is it trying to isolate you does it amount to coercive control tries to control your finances going out um and so on coercive control is a major sign of a grudge um does he demand that you modify your behavior does he ask or insist on
18. 05:58 guarantees that you will never ever offend him insult him transgress against him criticize him disagree with him humiliate him in public or in private argue with him and so never ever these are taboos not allowed no NOS in the relationship is he trying therefore to
19. 06:17 deter you and modify your behaviors does he try to demonstrate to you how strong he is how resilient is how invulnerable is these are all signs of a grudge does he claim that what you done to him has borne severe consequences was part of a pattern was inexcusable immoral
20. 06:36 gratuitous mean nasty cruel does he pose as a victim and claims that he has suffered much more than you have gained your actions have been disproportional does he ruminate and obsess about his victimhood status and how you have victimized him and abused
21. 06:56 him in all these cases cut your la fores walk away this is not hovering this is an attempt to introd reintroduce you into the Fantastic space in order to inflict punishment and vengeance upon you don’t let him no
22. 07:20 contact narcissist find it nearly impossible to forgive to forget and to move on why is that what is so special with narcissist what is so unique what predisposes them to holding grudges seemingly forever to never overlooking insights slides humiliation criticism
23. 07:52 disagreement why are they so fragile and brittle why why are they incapable capable of transitioning to another phase in life in other words why are naris is deficient when it comes to forming neutral or not neutral memories why they can convert perceived transgressions into
24. 08:20 memories perhaps because transgressions as far as the narcissist is concerned are mostly arbitrary inconsistent and imaginary it is the narcissist who decide when you have transgressed it is the narcissist who is calling the shorts the narcissist is a law unto himself or
25. 08:46 his The Narcissist one day decides that a certain action constitutes a violation a breach of contract or of boundaries and the next next day he takes the very same action in stride as if nothing has happened this shapeshifting C capricious definition
26. 09:14 redefinition and re redefinition of transgressions within a shared fantasy space this is what destabilizes the victim on the one hand and doesn’t allow the narcissist to move on on the other hand the inconstant nature of what the narcissist perceives
27. 09:41 to be an offense against him what he perceives to have been offensive this in constant nature makes it impossible for the narcissist to take a stand to to defend values to declare convictions boundaries and beliefs makes the fact that the narcissist has no core identity no fixed
28. 10:08 archimedian point a self and ego the fact that the narcissist exactly of the borderline is subject to Identity disturbance makes it very difficult for the narcissist to be the same person the next day after the transgression and only the same person can forgive when
29. 10:29 you forgive someone for having transgressed against you it’s because you’re the same person with the same memories with the same identity with the same continuity you are you you have a self you have a core you have a pivot The Narcissist doesn’t have any of
30. 10:47 this it’s narcissism is smoke in mirrors it’s an absence masquerading as a presence who is there to forgive who would be there to move on if the narcissist is not the same person from one day to the next this V video is based on Grudge Theory first suggested by Roy bow
31. 11:12 Meister Julie Exline and Christine Sumer in the 1990s my name is sakin I the grad holding uh author of malignant self-love narcissism Revisited the unforgiving former visiting professor of psychology and the constant or inconstant member of The Faculty of Cups
32. 11:37 Commonwealth Institute for advanced professional studies okay shim shim stay with us for the continuation of this video a grudge it’s important to understand that a grudge is a relationship management tool people use grudges in order to communicate hurt and pain and
33. 12:06 expectations grudges reflect changes in the perception of the perpetrator or alleged perpetrator and change in the perception of oneself The Grudge redefines the diic space or the relationship space in in a way The Grudge converts reality into a form of fantasy
34. 12:37 it doesn’t have to be a Revenge fantasy although this is the most common fantasy it’s a fantasy of victimhood it’s a fantasy of Injustice it’s a fantasy of Retribution but it’s a fantasy it is the use of fantasy in the form of a grudge to redefine the
35. 13:00 role of the perpetrator the role of oneself within a relationship that either continues or is no more so it’s a management tool it serves to terminate the relationship it serves to perpetuate the relationship under new terms and conditions redefine the
36. 13:23 relationship but in any case it’s a relationship management tool in other words a grudge is relational it’s never individual you cannot hold a grudge in empty space deep space you have to hold a grudge against someone the minute you hold a grudge against someone you’re in
37. 13:44 a relationship with that someone if only in your imagination and your mind that someone has occupied your mind The Grudge is a way to obtain internal closure to communicate your offense and hurt to the perpetrator to force the perpetrator at least again in the
38. 14:07 imaginary space between your two ears to force a perpetrator to make amends so it’s a relationship management tool whether the relationship is still ongoing and external or whether the relationship is totally internal between internal objects in the case of the narcissist
39. 14:26 The Grudge fulfills numerous other functions which explains why the narcissist finds it extremely difficult to not hold grudges so the first function of a grudge is to reconstitute grandiosity narcissist perceive transgressions as narcissistic injuries and in extreme cases when
40. 14:52 there’s public shame and humiliation narcissistic mortification ensues in both cases narcissistic injury and narcissistic modification there’s a challenge to grandiosity there’s an undermining of the cognitive distortion that misinforms the narcissist about
41. 15:11 reality and his place in reality a cognitive distortion that allows analis to maintain an inflated fantastic outlandish uh sense of self or substitute sense of self known as the false self The Narcissist has maintains a self-image and self- perception that
42. 15:34 have extremely little to do with the world out there with external objects the narcissist is hellbent on maintaining preserving protecting defending and perpetuating narrative which cast him in the role of God is Godlike within this narrative so any
43. 16:00 infringement any impingement any Bridge any challenge that somehow dares to hint that the narcissist grandiosity is miscon misconstrued or perhaps fantastic or perhaps counterfactual this results in narcissistic injury and the narcissist then desperately needs to
44. 16:22 reconstitute his or her grandiosity two elements especially omnip all being all powerful the narcissist is unable to countenance loss there’s an inadmissibility of losing or of being or having been outwitted the narcissist is the cleverest the smartest
45. 16:52 the sharpest the most cunning the most Super Hyper intelligent therefore never G never naive never anyone’s full he can never be outed and he can never lose lose a match narcissist perceive the perceives the world in terms of an ongoing battle a Warfare Urban Warfare
46. 17:17 Zone and so losing would be to acknowledge the narcissist inferiority however localized and limited in time but still inferiority gods don’t lose gods are never outwitted well modern gods in Greek mythology and Indian mythology that’s not true that doesn’t apply but modern
47. 17:46 Gods yah in the Bible uh Allah these modern gods are highly grandio and highly narcissistic and they are never outted and they never lose and they’re omnipotent and Oman and so on so forth subjects for the narcissist emulation and so um The Narcissist needs in the wake of a
48. 18:13 transgression The Narcissist needs to reestablish his sense of omnipotence he needs to prove to himself that he hasn’t lost that he hasn’t been vanquished that he hasn’t been outwitted that he is still the smartest that he’s still a winner not a loser and the
49. 18:35 second element in grandiosity that has to be re reconfirmed is omniscience or more precisely omniscient infallibility the narcissist is always right he’s never wrong and so um having been transgressed against usually implies some kind of poor job
50. 18:59 judgment uh making friends with the wrong person who has proven to be a snake in the grass and a fake friend uh getting married with the wrong spouse who who emerged as a borderline or a covert narcissist at any rate there’s poor judgment involved and poor judgment is the
51. 19:24 antithesis the antonym of om you can’t be omnicient you can’t be all knowing and have poor judgment because if you know everything you’re never wrong and if you’re never wrong your judgment is always right being always right is critical to The Narcissist so
52. 19:42 any injury any transgression any hurt any they’re all indicative that he is not omnicient and he has he has to somehow restore the balance recalibrate the scales and settle the econ BS hence the grudge now this is all emed embedded in righteous indignation a kind of self- imputed
53. 20:09 moral injury narcissist always assumes especially covert narcissist always assume the high moral ground the cast Life The View life is a kind of morality play good against evil with the narcissist of course the ity and reification of the good and everyone
54. 20:30 else is evil it’s a splitting mechanism A Primitive splitting mechanism narcissist are all bad victims are all good or narcissist are all good victims are all bad and so on so forth so there’s righteous indignation involved and it’s righteous indignation which is
55. 20:47 anankastic in other words it’s a kind of righteous indignation kind of moral ostentatious morality a kind of virtue signaling that is is very that is subject to very rigid laws and regulations and rules and norms and Morales this rigidity is known as an enca it’s a trait domain
56. 21:14 um and an entia is perfectionism which is basically obsessive compulsive and adheres this perfectionism adheres to some rigid sets of rules so it’s like being very stringent very strict very very unforgiving grudges are the outcomes of these alleged moral injuries The
57. 21:42 Narcissist becomes invested in this morality play as the good guy or the good girl he seeks to apportion blame to allocate blame to establish who is guilty to force the other party to admit to confess to accept responsibility Underneath It All there’s the hidden
58. 22:08 assumption that harm and damage and transgressions are irreversible like you cannot undo the transgression as far as the narcissis is concerned there’s zero tolerance one strike on you out having infringed or challenged or undermined the narcissist grandiosity in
59. 22:32 any way should you perform privately or in public you’re out you’re out because the harm you’ve done the damage you’ve inflicted are irre irreversible therefore by definition Unforgettable Unforgettable unforgivable morally wrong narcis is an obligation an ethical
60. 22:54 obligation to restore the moral balance of the entire universe in effect it’s a cosmic Cosmic task a cosmic assignment it involves of course restorative justice Equity reparations restitution making amends The Narcissist wishes to see the transg the transgressor wishes to
61. 23:22 witness the transgressor humiliated confessing begging crying uh supplicating so there needs to be a symbolic but yet conspicuous and ostentatious and totally visible uh Act of remorse and regret on behalf of the transgressor he needs the transgressor needs to offer
62. 23:55 restitution reparations and amends only to be rejected by The Narcissist because the narcissist is not interested in restitution narcissist is interested in retribution but still it’s great fun to witness your enemy cow Towing uh
63. 24:14 begging supplicating crying and so on it’s fun it’s the fun part it’s the grandiosity Reconstruction part all this leads to punitive vengeance The Narcissist Vengeance has less to do with the transgressor than with the narcissist himself The Narcissist wishes to avenge
64. 24:40 himself wishes to punish the other party not in order to accomplish any change in the other party or to educate the other party or to bring about a new constellation in which the other party won’t be able to transgress again or to reform and educate the other party or
65. 24:59 any of these altruistic Noel sounding words or attitudes no way the narcissist
66. 25:08 seeks Vengeance and revenge wants to avenge himself for one reason only he wants to prove himself Vindicated it’s about self Vindication I’ve always been right I’ve always been in the right I’ve always been the moral party I’ve always sought justce I’ve always acted well and okay
67. 25:30 and according to standards I have done nothing wrong it is the other parties the other parties punishment it is the other part is other part is suffering that proves me right that proves me just that proves me moral it is a form of course of reasserting control
68. 25:58 over a situation that is that is perceived as out of control the narcissist creates a shared fantasy and introduces other people into the Shir fantasy friends family spouses girlfriends boyfriends his own children colleagues bosses everyone is somehow
69. 26:17 embedded and Incorporated and assign roles within a Shar fantasy and it’s a script it’s a script it’s rigid one has to here to the script and the outcome is the narcissist movie of his life when someone confronts The Narcissist criticizes The Narcissist
70. 26:41 disagrees with him humiliates The Narcissist mocks The Narcissist ridicules The Narcissist exposes The Narcissist that’s that’s a bridge a violation that’s ripping the script apart that’s ignoring Bing the Shar fantasy that’s ruining the movie It’s unforgivable and the
71. 27:03 narcissist has a panic attack he reacts with an extreme anxiety known as panic and he tries to reassert control he tries to reestablish the set the movie Set he tries to reintroduce the actors into their appropriate location in the script appropriate role in The Script he tries
72. 27:27 to reimpose the script somehow The Grudge is a control and manipulation strategy it’s an instrument it’s a tool guaranteeing that other people would not stray would tow the line would obey would be submissive would observe the narcissist expect demands
73. 27:55 would fulfill or meet the narcissist IST expectations because they don’t want to be subjected to The Narcissist vengeful Fury within his Grudge of course one of the main roles of grudges is deterrence the idea of a grudge is to induce behavior modification in the
74. 28:18 offender in the perpetrator in the transgressor holding a grudge is like saying I expect you to change your behavior otherwise you will I will never forgive you that’s a grudge so there’s an element of deterrence there’s an element of Education a missionary
75. 28:35 element of education and there’s an element of behavior modification in a typical healthy Grudge which us usually self expires this is an expiry date is self-limiting is a shelf life but with the narcissist the gud is infinite it never goes away the narcissist never
76. 28:55 forgives he keeps revisiting his own humiliation and shaming his own sense of injury including moral injury he keeps revisiting it he keeps ruminating he keeps obsessing so there’s not much deterrence accomplished and the narcissist is totally not interested in the alleged
77. 29:20 perpetrator or offenders behavior and its modification it’s not external I keep explaining to you The Narcissist Grudge is not external The Narcissist Grudge doesn’t even have to do with reputation although there is a component a reputational component in in in the
78. 29:42 narcissist Grudge a typical Grudge a grudge with a healthy person has to do with rep the reputational cost of forgiving when you forgive you may appear weak and vulnerable to others and then they may misunderstand and think that you are ready and available pray
79. 30:05 you attract Predators by forgiving you attract Predators so it’s much better to maintain a grudge thereby enhancing or sustaining your reputation and detering other potential Predators other potential offenders and perpetrators and and so on the narcissist is interested in this
80. 30:27 component of reputation in as much and in as far as it is an integral element of his grandiosity but not otherwise because the narcissist is incapable of perceiving other people as external objects The Narcissist doesn’t really care about his or her rep reputation the
81. 30:50 narcissist wants to be known wants to be famous wants to be celebrated and adulated and admired and so on but all these have nothing to do with reputation reputation is about dignity self-respect Integrity narcissists don’t do these things they don’t manage
82. 31:09 reputations they don’t care about reputational cost but they do care about appearing weak appearing vulnerable they want to appear strong they want to be feared or they want to be respected or they want to be both feared and respected so Grudge in the case of the
83. 31:30 narcissist is less about other people and more about himself he it’s in it’s a form of impression management he wants to impress people with his inability to forgive and to forget don’t screw with me because I never forgive and I never forget it’s kind of a mafia thing an
84. 31:52 immature Mafia thing mafias are generally immature there’s a lot of infantilism among organized in organized crime now one last comment those of you who have watched um were unfortunate enough to watch my videos about narcissistic mortification one of the solutions to
85. 32:18 narcissistic mortification is known as the external solution just to remind you narcissistic modification is when the narcissist is sh in public in front of meaningful others or significant others that creates a kind of Snowball Effect and the
86. 32:36 compensation and total disintegration of the narcissist personality and so on so forth I will not go into this please watch my videos on mortification there are two solutions to mortification one of them is known as the external solution blaming
87. 32:49 others assigning guilt to others saying other people are evil other people are malicious ious other people have conspired against me it’s a bit a bit of a paranoid solution but not entirely so the external solution to narcissistic modification demands or
88. 33:09 requires the perpetuation and nourishment of an eternal Grudge all because other people there’s a mechanism of splitting other people are evil other people with malevolent malign intent of conspiring against me to humiliate me in public and so on so
89. 33:29 forth I can never forgive these people because this is their Essence their wickedness is who they are how can I forgive them it would be an irrational things to do to forgive them and within the external solution to narcissistic modification The Narcissist
90. 33:47 generates or creates a narrative whereby he is the victim it’s a victimhood narrative he is the victim of people who are unscrupulous callous ruthless in other words Psychopathic The Narcissist emphasizes the severe consequences the mortification has had he insists that
91. 34:12 it’s a part of a pattern people have been conspiring against him all the time and especially these people these Wicked lot he claims that what has been done to him is inexcusable immoral gratuitous necessarily mean nasty and cruel um he emphasizes that as a victim
92. 34:33 he has lost much more then the perpetrator has gained this is known as magnitude Gap and finally he claims that what has has been done to him has been disproportional The victimhood Stance of the narcissist is so crucial to his to the management of his own internal world
93. 34:53 and I’ve explained it in numerous other videos so crucial that he chooses to to maintain long-term grudges because these long-term grudges provide the proof the evidence and justification for his self-perception as an eternal victim a victim uh that is innocent a victim that
94. 35:20 there’s no responsibility or contribution to what has been done to him didn’t have it coming and so on so forth again of course we are dealing with a splitting mechanism as you can see the narcissist has excellent psychodynamic reasons psychological
95. 35:38 reasons to maintain a grudge not to get rid of it to on the very contrary nourish it make it flourish and Thrive make it take over the personality because a grudge is an organizing principle a grudge makes sense of the narcissist life it explains to the naris what’s
96. 35:59 happening to him and what has happened to him it also puts the narcissist places The Narcissist firmly in the camp of good against evil it fulfills so many functions it allows the narcissist to constitute or reconstitute his grandiosity exact Revenge payback Justice Equity uh
97. 36:24 Vindication restoring a sense of control control over over his life too many too many good reasons to hold a grudge and literally no reason to give up on The Grudge and this is why narcis so have a grudges day have fun
98. 36:47 forgive forget and move on unless of course you’re a narcissist