Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Victim or Narcissist? Tell Them Apart!

1. 00:02 okay Shan panim I’m going to try something new I’m going to proceed each and every long video with a bullet points summary you can watch the summary it’s usually between 5 to 10 minutes and ignore the rest of the video it will break my heart but hey I’m a narcissist I deserve it
2. 00:27 here’s your chance to break anoun his heart okay shim so now the bullet points summary and Innovation on this channel followed by the longer presentation deeper with examples and so on and so forth you can skip the second part because the first part captures the all
3. 00:52 the information in the second part with without the [Music] examples narcissist always claim to be victims and they do so convincingly because they’re Charming they’re attractive they have they have thespian skills they know how to act they’re
4. 01:14 convincing they have called empathy they can scan you they know which buttons to push they’re manipulative etc etc and so their claims to victimhood sound very true and very very very plausible they persuade people that they are victims codependence and people Pleasers
5. 01:39 use two techniques to manipulate other people one technique is known as control from the bottom I’m helpless without you I need you this is a form of manipulation and it’s control from the bottom control through submissiveness in the second technique used by Cod
6. 01:59 dependence and people pleases is victimhood I’m a victim I’m entitled to special treatment special consideration and your constant sensitivity and vigilance to not hurt me again so but narcissist use these techniques as well it’s virtually it’s very difficult
7. 02:26 to tell apart narcissist from real victims narcissists from codependence and narcissist from people Pleasers many narcissists claim to have been victims of narcissistic abuse to have been discarded cruy to have been devalued unjustly these claims are made both by
8. 02:49 real victims and by narcissists who hijack The Narrative mimic the victims and essentially snatch the whole scene so how to tell which is which which is the real victim and which is the narcissist number one splitting narcissist exactly like borderlines split splitting is an
9. 03:20 infantile defense mechanism which says I’m all good everyone else is all bad it’s also known as damous thinking there’s nothing wrong with me I have done nothing wrong I am a kind empathic nice loving caring person compassionate helpful attentive and yet
10. 03:46 I’m constantly being taken advantage of abused and used because people out there are bad I am all good they whever they may be are all bad this is splitting splitting defense is used only by narcissists and borderlines real victims do not split
11. 04:10 even people Pleasers and codependents do not split splitting is a prime prime Red Alert Prime warning sign that you’re dealing with the narcissist listen to what the narcissist says and ask yourself is he con constantly presenting himself as
12. 04:33 essentially all good while everyone else is taking advantage of him harming him hurting him Etc so this is fleeting number two non-discrimination the narcissist would blame whole populations he would say for example all my girlfriends betrayed me
13. 04:54 and hurt me and abused me and cheated on me all my spouses all my my business partners have victimized me stolen from me took advantage of me Etc so the narcissist would generalize he would generalize to populations generalization is a fallacy
14. 05:14 is a kind of mental health issue and it is dealt with in cognitive behavior therapy so narcissist generalize narcissist wouldn’t say well this girlfriend was really bad and but this girlfriend was great NIS would say my girlfriends as if they all belong to
15. 05:35 a club or political party together you know my girlfriends did this to me my business partners did this to me he would generalize about groups of people and and he would then go on to place himself as the victim of these people only narcissist do that victims are much
16. 05:54 more nuanced number three self-pity narcissist and especially covert narcissist pity themselves and they pity themselves visibly publicly ostentatiously conspicuously it’s a currency their self-pity is a manipulative ploy to pull at your heartstrings and so the
17. 06:22 self-pity and the ostentation that goes with the self-pity they are coupled with Goal orientation the narcissist wants something from you if he is on YouTube he wants your views and the advertising money otherwise he wants to become a celebrity he wants to have sex with you
18. 06:43 he wants to take money from you he would pose as a victim a helpless helpless
19. 06:52 innocent totally innocent victim just to get you to do what he wants it’s man ative remember a true victim a real victim would never wallow in self-pity in public at least he would never do this and he would never ever couple self-pity with some goal he would never
20. 07:16 go on YouTube and pity himself next alloplastic defenses and an external locus of control a narcissist would blame others for all the misfortune in his life all his failures all his defeats and all the bad turns it’s never his fault he is never he is never in the wrong there’s an
21. 07:45 external locus of control he is just there a passive inert object the recipient of other people’s malice and mental illness he is victim by virtue of existing there’s no responsibility or blame he never assumes responsibility or blame it is a defense against shame and
22. 08:10 guilt which in the narcissist case are life-threatening but still it’s there so if you if you watch someone online or you talk to someone and they keep saying this was not my fault I have been a victim I’m not responsible I have been abused I’ve been taken advantage of I
23. 08:30 have been discarded cruy I have been shamed I have been you know I contributed nothing to my predicament I am perfect I am an angel I’m well that’s a narcissist many of them are called empaths Next is denial of misconduct or proportionality of
24. 08:57 response The Narcissist would do do the most horrible things he would steal your work he would sleep with your wife or girlfriend he would Forge documents he would lie to your face he would do he would he would go behind your back he would back stab you he would bed mouth
25. 09:17 you he would do the most incredibly immoral and in many cases illegal things and yet he would deny them in the face of Hard Evidence he would still deny this his misbehavior or misconduct he would try to reframe it perhaps as justifiable because he is on
26. 09:38 a moral Crusade or go God knows what he would invent a narrative that would convert the misconduct into proper conduct moral conduct laudable and commendable conduct Etc but it would still be misconduct of course he narcissist would also contest the
27. 09:55 proportionality of the response anaris may say yeah well you know I have done it I have done this but I think the response was out of all proportion I didn’t deserve this I’ve been victimized it’s wrong what what the other party did to me I have wronged the other party in
28. 10:18 maybe it’s debatable I don’t think so but maybe but in any case the other party’s reaction was out of bounds and totally insane and unjustified and I’ve been discriminated against and I’ve been I’ve been maltreated and it’s horrible what’s been done to me totally ignoring
29. 10:39 neglecting and denying what had triggered this Cascade of events the original sin the Primal sin The Narcissist misconduct or misbehavior The Narcissist engages in grandio ostentatious morality is a hero he’s a rescuer he’s a savior he’s a Healer he’s a fixer whatever he
30. 11:07 does even if it’s patently immoral and possibly criminal and illegal whatever he may do whatever he does it’s all in the name of ethics and morality and religion and the greater good he is selfless he’s not doing any of this for himself God forbid
31. 11:31 it’s not about revenge it’s not about some lowly instinct or drive no way no sir he is pro-social he is communal anyone who comes with these BS stories is a narcissist a narcissist would also try to explain his misconduct and his beh misbehavior in terms of I have been
32. 11:55 baited I have been tempted I have been entrapped I have been seduced I have been coerced I have been brainwashed and untrained I didn’t know what I was doing I didn’t recognize myself I broke my own principles and boundaries he he made me someone made me do it he made me do it
33. 12:18 the the victimizer the abuser made me do it this anyone who resorts to this these idiotic excuses is a narcissist next The Narcissist never apologizes never assumes responsibility never acknowledges guilt never tries to make amends never agrees to discuss even the
34. 12:43 outstanding issues never provides closure real victims do and finally automatism the narcissist is an autopilot he never reflects on his behavior he never analyzes it he never synthesizes his lessons he is not introspective is incapable of seeing
35. 13:09 himself he sees only others and only in a way which is self justify and conducive to Ego syntony The Narcissist engages in automatism because automatism being on autopilot prevents him prevents him from introspection allows him to not engage in any soul searching
36. 13:35 so narcissist would react automatically they have stock phrases they have regular sentences they have habitual words and behaviors and they would go through them as if they were robots badly programmed robots how many of you know such people they are online
37. 13:59 as self-styled experts as coaches as victims as empaths they’re offline as your colleagues as your friends as your girlfriends or boyfriends or spouses or intimate Partners or they’re all over I’ve just given you the tools to tell apart narcissist from real victims real
38. 14:25 victims occupy reality they are alert and aware of nuances they have dignity they seek resolution and real solutions they accept responsibility for their contributions to their own predicament they learn lessons they modify their behaviors they
39. 14:48 grow they evolve they learn perhaps the best sign that someone is a narcissist is that the same thing keeps happening to him time and again it’s as if the narcissist has learned nothing from previous replays identical replays of the same cloned
40. 15:10 events a narcissist who goes online and says I have had um three girlfriends and they all did this to me well it means you’re incapable of learning you’re incapable of growth you’re in incapable of evolution and personal development and this is typical only only of
41. 15:33 narcissists never of real victims remember this and apply this from now on to all your interactions with everyone around you and now to the more detailed presentation replete with [Music] examples here is something to Boggle your mind every narcissist overt covert Dead
42. 16:06 or Alive claim to have been a victim or at the very least to have been victimized discriminated against framed set up treated unjustly abrasively harshly every narcissist says this no exception how on Earth can we tell the difference between narcissist posing as
43. 16:37 victims and real victims now mind you here’s the problem narcissists truly and honestly perceive themselves as victims they’re not acting they’re not lying they’re not gaslighting they’re not faking they truly honestly profoundly deeply irrevocably and you know that I
44. 17:02 can continue for another half an hour firmly believe their own confabulation their own narrative their own fantasy their own storyline in which they are the helpless victims of malevolent malicious dark malign evil forces out there so how can you tell the
45. 17:32 difference I’m going to teach you a few ways these are kind of test to tell apart a real victim from a narcissist believe who believes himself to be a victim now of course when I say he it’s a she when I say when I say him it’s a her etc etc half of all narcissist nowadays are
46. 17:54 women women’s lib equality is a on
47. 18:00 us and for those of you who are lucky enough fortunate enough to not know who I am my name is sakin I’m the author of malignant self-love and narcissism Revisited I am a former visiting professor of psychology and a current member of The Faculty of
48. 18:20 Cups so let’s delve right into the Quagmire and swamp of victimhood narcissists always claim to be victims and they’re very convincing they’re very convincing they’re Charming they’re outgoing they put on a facade of compassion and affection and empathy and
49. 18:45 so on and you buy into their stories many of them pose as codependence as victims of narcissistic abuse as victims of generalized abuse as post-traumatic people in the throws of post- trauma many of them go online and and kind of merchandise their victimhood
50. 19:07 many of them compete so there’s a phenomenon of competitive victimhood and they many of them are so convincing that this has become their identity their badge of honor they are the perennial well-known famous victims and that’s how they’re judged even though subst
51. 19:28 potential minority perhaps even a majority of them are actually narcissists and especially covert narcissis but not only how to tell which is which here are a few tests number one splitting a narcissist would engage in splitting which is a primitive infantile
52. 19:53 defense mechanism splitting says I’m all good they are all bad I’ve never done anything wrong I’ve been wronged all my life I having having uh introspected
53. 20:11 having interrogated myself having Soul searched I discovered that I am blemishless I am flawless I I am 100% on the high moral ground there’s nothing wrong with me and I’ve never done anything wrong to it anyone this All or Nothing black or white all good all bad all angels all
54. 20:37 demons this kind of thinking is known as splitting or dichotomous thinking and it is typical only of narcissist vict real victims don’t have this so many many many of the so-called empaths of coaches who pretend to be codependents and victims
55. 20:59 of self-styled experts who who claim to have been victims of narcissistic abuse many of these people are actually narcissist because they engage ostentatiously conspicuously visibly and publicly in massive acts of splitting only narcissist split remember
56. 21:20 that victims never do victim vict real victims have a much more nuanced perception of reality they are much more attuned to the gray Zone to the gray area between the black and the white to the fact that people are not all bad and never all good that life is a
57. 21:42 complicated proposition that things that things happen even to the best of people so real victims have a much more realistic grasp of the process that had led to their victimization as I said much more nuanced not so with narcissist second test
58. 22:08 nondiscrimination non-discrimination is simply every girlfriend I’ve ever had has betrayed me abused me destroyed me abandoned me cheated on me killed me and my dog every girlfriend there has never been a single exception all of them no exception
59. 22:29 have done this to poor me and by the way the element of self-pity um is uh and a warning sign if
60. 22:40 you see if you spot self-pity that’s a narcissist victims have dignity victims don’t pity themselves they’re angry sometimes but self-pity is a whole Mark of a narcissist especially a covert narcissist overt narcissist don’t think engage in self-pity but coverts do
61. 23:02 so there is this pitying self-pitying tone tone you know all my girlfriends were horrible to me all my spouses all my business partners they victimized me they discarded me they treated me harshly they they I was so good to them I gave them everything I gave them love
62. 23:20 I gave them money I gave them sex I give them this and they they just keep victimizing me everyone keeps victimizing me po me please I’m so in need of compassion and empathy and so on so forth It’s a manipulative technique a narcissistic manipulative technique beware if you see
63. 23:43 anyone whose narrative whose story is that everyone in his life has victimized him everyone and that he has done nothing to deserve love this and he self- pitties and shares this self-pity with you but in a setting where there are certain positive outcomes certain goals so for
64. 24:11 example The Narcissist would share his story with you because it gets him views on YouTube or he would share this story with you because it would make him some money or he would share this story of of victimization and self-pity with you because it would get him laid he he will
65. 24:31 get him to have sex so narcissist exactly like psychopaths in this sense are goal oriented nondiscrimination discrimination goes hand inhand with Goal orientation you see something like that be very very very suspicious do not give the benefit of the doubt it’s 99.9% a
66. 24:55 narcissist next alloplastic defenses it’s everybody’s else fault never mine none of us is my fault everything that has ever happened to me is not my fault I’m a poor victim I’m a poor codependent I am a lamb I I didn’t see it coming I am so innocent and pure of heart I’m so
67. 25:20 giving and so caring and so amazing and so loving and so this and so compassionate and so empathic and so warm blooded and so I don’t know what and you see what they’re doing to me you see none of it is my fault I’m not responsible I contributed nothing to my repeated predicament
68. 25:42 nothing this is called alloplastic defense alloplastic defense is when you keep blaming others all the time even when you have misbehaved egregiously even when your misconduct screams to high heaven it’s still never ever your fault you want to figure out if someone
69. 26:10 is a real victim or narcissist listen to him if he never ever says I’m sorry I did something wrong it was partly my fault I contributed to it somehow I accept responsibility accountability I am learning to recognize myself and my involvement in all this if he never says
70. 26:33 I’m sorry that’s a narcissist if he never says it’s partly my fault that’s a narcissist if he never accepts responsibility or his contributions to what whatever has happened that’s a narcissist real victims go through thorough functional healing self Soul surgery they recognize
71. 26:59 their contributions and their involvement the wrong choices they’ve made the bad decisions and they vow to themselves to never repeat but the narcissist no way is it just happened to be there in the wrong time in the wrong place at the wrong place that’s all none of it is
72. 27:19 ever his fault none of it yeah well he did you know he did misbehave here and there he did still he did um you know Forge he did do
73. 27:35 all kinds of things which happen to be anything between immoral and illegal but so what he did not deserve to be victimized his own bad behavior is never acknowledged and he never expresses remorse or regret ever that’s a great sign of a narcissist real victims never
74. 27:59 do never behave this way [Music] never and the last thing I would say although there are quite a few other tests but the last thing is automatism the The Narcissist has at at his disposal readymade phrases responses answers whole texts and so on so whenever the narcissist is
75. 28:30 confronted with a situation he goes on he goes on automatic pilot autopilot so whenever something bad happens to the narcissist uh automatically he says I’ve been a victim I’ve been victimized I’m codependent I’m helpless I’m a I’m traumatized I’m the I’m you know it’s
76. 28:53 not my fault I’m and that’s it it’s automattic he never bothers to go deep he never bothers to really think he never bothers to introspect he never bothers to analyze he never bothers to synthesize he never bothers to truly consult others he doesn’t really consult others he goes
77. 29:13 through the motions very often but in order to self justify and he blocks out any information that contradicts his self justifying alloplastic narratives it’s never my fault I’m always the victim I’m codependent I’m I’m traumatized I’m helpless I am uh and and therefore I am
78. 29:40 prey I fall prey to malicious malevolent Predators out there they are all bad I am all good so I have nothing to apologize for none of my behaviors has been wrong I’ve never done anything wrong ever and that’s me that’s a narcissist period you come across
79. 30:01 someone like that that’s a narcissist and never mind how eloquent he is how Charming he is how attractive he is how well versed he is in the lore of victimhood that’s an narcissist simply a narcissist peel your eyes Pierce and penetrate the facade have a real look at the person
80. 30:28 and ask yourself is this human being on the screen or next to me or my workplace or my family is this person real or is it an act is this person a victim or is it a narcissist claiming to be a victim and I’ve just provided you with four tools to answer this question so
81. 30:58 make good use of them