Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Negative Hoovering, Narcissistic Probing: YOU, the Enemy (Persecutory Object)

1. 00:02 never forget that in the process of devaluation The Narcissist converts you in his mind into a persecretary object an enemy from idealized to derealized devalued and then discarded to reacquire you to Hoover you The Narcissist must do two things one he must re-idealize you he must
2. 00:36 Photoshop the snapshot of you in his mind so as to render you again an ideal maternal figure but that’s only half the work the other half is to make sure that he’s hovering would end successfully because narcissists don’t take kindly to failure and rejection the refrigerant and
3. 01:02 vulnerable even in Black okay my name is malignant self-love narcissism resident a former visiting professor of psychology and currently on the faculty of CRS and onward we move towards narcissistic probing narcissistic probing is a phrase that I’ve coined to
4. 01:29 describes to describe the narcissists hesitant tests probing attempts to ascertain that the hoovering will work and that it won’t end in a fiasco and determination the determination of the shared fantasy for good narcissistic probing narcissists attend therapy after
5. 01:59 collapse or multiplication and so there are people who say that clinical psychologists would regard narcissists as mostly vulnerable and covert while psychology professors such as myself would regard narcissists is mostly grandiose in overt but it is of course nonsense
6. 02:26 it’s the same narcissist it’s the same narcissist the process of collapse exposes the vulnerable and fragile core of the narcissist every narcissist has a fragile vulnerable core narcissism is 100 all the time in all cases no exception compensatory
7. 02:51 narcissism cognitive distortions such as grandiosity they compensate for an inferiority complex for a bad object that keeps informing The Narcissist how unworthy and inadequate he is what a loser and so the narcissist needs to compensate for this now most of the time it works
8. 03:14 most of the time the narcissist is able to coerce people to provide him with narcissistic Supply to participate in his shared fantasies to adulate him to surround him with luxurious luxurious lifestyle money sex you name it most of the time but some of the time
9. 03:35 the narcissist fails he fails to extract narcissistic Supply from his human environment he fails to secure his goals on the way to obtaining Supply so he collapses this is the collapse narcissist it is then that all the narcissistic defenses the
10. 03:57 overt grandiose defenses are disabled it is then that they are deactivated and this process is known as decompensation and then of course having hit rock bottom these narcissists attend therapy and so clinicians people who work with narcissistic therapists a psychiatrists
11. 04:20 a psychologist yes it’s true they see the vulnerable underbelly of the narcissists and everyone else sees the overt and grandiose side but these are two sides of the same coin the and all the self-style experts including those with academic degrees are
12. 04:44 talking nonsense I’m sorry to say absolute nonsense I’ve read an article in the September edition of Scientific American and only ilsa running Stone made some sense everyone else there got it 100 wrong and I’m not talking about the YouTubers I’m
13. 05:02 talking about the so-called academic experts who I’ve never heard of by the way most of them as a rolling stump is definitely an expert on narcissism a very famous One so why am I telling you all this because the process of devaluation and discard exposes the narcissists fragile
14. 05:22 vulnerable underbelly remember that within the shared fantasy the narcissist is a child and you are a mother you’re the maternal figure The Narcissist needs to reenact with you early childhood conflicts which are unresolved he needs to separate from you and become
15. 05:44 an individual but you are still the mother you’re the adult in the room and he’s just a babe a baby an infant so The Narcissist feels throughout this process this empowered the way a baby does the way an infant does and then having devalued you and discard
16. 06:05 you discarded you he feels uncertain vulnerable fragile he in this sense becomes covert or the covert aspects of him become a lot more dominant than throughout the duration of the shared fantasy the end of every shirt Founders every Church fantasy ends
17. 06:27 in devaluation and discard period this has nothing to do with you as an intimate partner and there’s nothing you can do about it the very purpose of a shared fantasy is to convert you into a maternal figure so that the narcissist can dump you end of story but
18. 06:44 in the final stages of the shared fantasy the Nazis is faces enormous stresses and huge anxieties because the internal object in his mind that represents you is being transformed in ways which are essentially ominous menacious ways ways that threaten the equilibrium
19. 07:07 and the precarious balance of the narcissist House of Cards AKA personality The Narcissist also has to get rid of you and the narcissist is a creature of habit The Narcissist risks a backlash or punitive measures by you and the narcissist is a coward in short the
20. 07:28 period of devaluation in discard is not easy on the narcissist and tends to push him to become more vulnerable so he becomes more passive aggressive and then he becomes more aggressive he becomes more envious he becomes more malevolent he becomes more skimming he becomes in
21. 07:47 short a bit more Psychopathic secondary Psychopathic you remember I keep saying that when the narcissist faces collapse he becomes a bit of a borderline he becomes emotionally dysregulated he decompensates he acts out and the same goes here the devaluation discard
22. 08:10 process is the collapse of the shared fantasy during this limited phase The Narcissist clinically is a collapsed narcissist and therefore exposing his borderline covert side for a short period of time mind you it could last a day could last a week it could last a month
23. 08:33 it’s never long term and it never comes to characterize the narcissist it’s just a phase that the narcissist is going through but still he changes the devaluation discard ironically often changes the not this phase often changes the narcissist more than it changes you
24. 08:54 and so hoovering is an example of this hybridity this combination of grandiosity and vulnerability on the one hand to believe that he is able to hover you to develop the conviction that he can re-idealize you and he will come running back that’s grandiose of course
25. 09:18 this cognitive distortion in some cases unfortunately not in all but it requires grandiosity it requires the belief in one’s own omnipotence and irresistibility so there’s this grandiose element impovering but overing covering also contains a vulnerable element
26. 09:38 Wolverine comes on the tail on the tail end of devaluation and discard a dead phase that stage the narcissist is still self-motified if you wish or self-injured at least and definitely self-collapsed so the narcissist needs to make sure that he doesn’t suffer yet another
27. 10:02 self-inflicted narcissistic injury by being rejected by you if the narcissist attempts to over you and you reject him that’s narcissistic injury if you reject him in public in a shaming way that’s narcissistic modification that’s something that
28. 10:19 narcissist does not want to go through especially especially having lived through having endured the collapse of the shared fantasy admittedly the collapse of the shared fantasy was brought on is brought on by The Narcissist himself it is as I said
29. 10:39 self-inflicted the narcissist made it happen it didn’t have to happen The Narcissist made it happen because of his compulsion to separate and individuate but still it’s a collapse the end the end of any shared fantasy the terminal phase is a collapse the
30. 10:59 narcissist is vulnerable because he is clinically is being rendered a collapsed narcissist so he can’t take the risk of another narcissistic injury rejection mockery humiliation shame multiplication he can take this risk it needs to make sure that if he were to attempt to over
31. 11:20 you you would say yes and not just any is what is called what we call enthusiastic consent a resounding yes narcissists generally even overt and grandiose ones or maybe especially over in grandiose ones cannot countenance rejection the hypersensitive to rejection
32. 11:43 that’s why they develop cold empathy in order to scan for possible for possible for people who possibly could put them down or take them down that’s why they are hyper vigilance all the time scanning for insults and slides and interpreting even the most innocuous
33. 12:01 behavior and innocent remarks as a form of attack it’s all because they have to protect the vulnerable fragile delusional this cognitively distorted core that is known as narcissism that’s the only form of true narcissism anything that doesn’t anything that is not vulnerable
34. 12:28 anything that is not fragile that’s psychopathy that’s not narcissism so narcissists real narcissists true narcissists cannot countenance rejection rejection terrifies they need to make sure of the outcomes of the Wolverine and to resolve any cognitive dissonance that may arise
35. 12:51 and so they probe they probe they collect data they gather they gather information they test you in small ways and big they surround you they create an environment in which which resembles a laboratory where your minutest behaviors and speech acts and words and
36. 13:18 writings are interpreted adnosium I call it the hermeneutic lab so this is probing log bombing for example is a form of probing grooming is a form of probing lab bombing is intended to condition you of course to shape you via operand conditioning to to render you
37. 13:45 um docile subservient submissive intimate partner who is in love with herself with her idealized image through the narcissist gaze yes it’s all true and grooming is intended to condition you to behave in specific ways which would uphold the narcissists inflated
38. 14:04 fantastic self-image and allow the shared fantasy to unfold the way the narcissist wants it to with you as an eternal figure so lot bombing and grooming have many many crucial functions but one of the functions of Love bombing and grooming is to test you
39. 14:23 to see whether you’re going to fit into the shared fantasy whether you’re going to fulfill your maternal role appropriately whether you’re gonna accept and love the narcissist unconditionally regardless of his misconduct and misbehavior in short log bombing and grooming are a
40. 14:42 testing phase a probing phase so these are examples of narcissistic probing narcissistic abuse itself is a form of probing that’s the first phase of narcissistic abuse is intended to answer the question will she love me unconditionally as a mother would now remember he and she are
41. 15:04 interchangeable the half of all narcissists are women so just change the gender pronouns so we’re beginning to see that many of the narcissists behaviors which are attributed to the narcissist grandiosity coercive nature anti-social impulses
42. 15:22 many of these behaviors actually emanate from insecurity The Narcissist profound sense of insecurity because the narcissist has an internal image as a bad object and because he compensates for it by projecting a false self a facade acting faking
43. 15:51 the narcissist is very insecure he knows what he’s doing narcissists are self-aware don’t let any self-start expert tell you otherwise they’re definitely self-aware and so they tend to be hyper Vigilant they develop paranoid ideation the secretary
44. 16:10 ideation they test people all the time they trust no one but they trust no one because everyone in his dog is an opportunity for pain for hurt anyone and everyone can reject the narcissist humiliate The Narcissist criticize The Narcissist disagree with
45. 16:30 the narcissists shame The Narcissist private or in public everyone is a potential for hurt for harm so the narcissist needs to neutralize these incipient ambient threats potential threats by gathering intelligence think of it as a CIA one-man CIA so a lot of women in grooming
46. 16:56 narcissistic abuse they’re all forms of testing your metal verifying making sure What You’re Made Of and how you’re going to behave in a variety of extreme conditions the narcissist is also probes via third parties especially in the hovering phase when he is not sure of
47. 17:17 the outcomes having rejected you having abandoned you having devalued you having discarded you having shamed you having humiliated you the narcissist cannot be sure of your response to his attempts to re-idealize you and reacquire you as a participant and a playmate in a shared
48. 17:38 fantasy he cannot be sure you may tell him to F off naturally as you should do so he uses third parties flying monkeys in various settings in order to collect information are you predisposed to take him back would you be positively reactive to any attempt to over you
49. 18:02 do you miss the shared fantasy and the narcissist so there’s a lot of information gathering going on through third parties you won’t believe who the narcissist recruits your dearest and closest friends family members people you have trusted all your life
50. 18:23 they are converted by the narcissists and they become the narcissist’s eyes and ears and surveillance and listening devices and you’re surrounded you’re besieged by extensions of the narcissist and the information flows back the narcissist analyzes it contextualizes it
51. 18:43 and decides whether you are hovering material or not similarly The Narcissist stalks you on social media of course using Anonymous accounts fake accounts and sometimes his own accounts if he doesn’t care so he gets he gathers a lot of relevant info through social media be careful
52. 19:05 keep your private life private don’t over share coming to think of it don’t share it all convert your accounts to private accounts reject all kinds of friend requests I mean there’s a period after the devaluation in the Discord where by the way that’s
53. 19:26 the the most frequent period where hoovering is the most frequent hovering is most frequent almost immediately after the evaluation in discard believe it or not so there’s this period of I know six months one year two years three years maybe where you are very open to intrusion
54. 19:43 intrusive attempts to gather data about you and then to deploy this data to manipulate it and to abuse it or misuse it in order to coerce you control you or convince you or persuade you to join a new shared fantasy where again you would be Queen idealized but you will be the
55. 20:07 queen mother and again of course this Trail fantasy 2.0 is going to end up the same way evaluation discard separation individuation and so on and so forth so immediately after the evaluation and discards and for a period I would say minimum period of two years
56. 20:27 you should be very vigilant very careful with the narcissist is all over you having about ever devalued you having abandoned you having rejected you having team teamed up already with a new partner in the throes of another shared fantasy the narcissist is still over all over
57. 20:47 you inside his mind you interject the internal object that represents you is still inside his mind and still this object is still tormenting him because it used to be ideal now it is an enemy now it is persecretary and it tortures him from the inside the only way
58. 21:09 the only way to restore inner peace is to match you with the internal object either as an enemy and then the narcissist would push your boundaries and force you to become an enemy or as a re-idealized intimate partner and that’s ovary narcissists can
59. 21:29 hover you as an enemy it’s a common mistake online The Narcissist whoever is you because he needs to reconcile you the external object with the internal object that represents you so if you refuse to become an intimate partner in a new shared fantasy The Narcissist
60. 21:49 would do his best to convert you into a true enemy he would stalk you he would threaten you he would attack you he would spy on you he would he would try to destroy your life he would do anything and everything for you to become a real active enemy
61. 22:09 and then he is at peace because he can reconcile this with the devalued the secretary object in his mind so to attain inner peace The Narcissist needs you post devaluation and discard narcissist needs you in the aftermath to become either an enemy
62. 22:29 or again an intimate partner there’s no middle ground and he’s gonna try to re-idealize you and Hoover you one way but then if he fails he will hover you as an enemy and that is something much neglected in everything I’ve heard online and by the way in the literature
63. 22:50 hovering you is an enemy so it would explain many of the behaviors that you you’ve come across I’m sure with a narcissist and narcissist can of course oscillate vacillate between the two one day you are a potential intimate partner and you’re ideal and you’re
64. 23:06 wonderful and you’re beautiful and you’re amazing and so and the next day you’re the enemy and you’re hateful and you eventual and you’ve destroyed his life and it’s all your fault in the next in the day after again you are an ideal so the narcissist
65. 23:21 attempts simultaneously to probe both possibilities directly with you in a Channel of communication and at the same time always through third parties social media and indirect intelligence gathering he consults other people consults other people about you
66. 23:48 it collects all the information from your social media accounts he may impersonate people and call your bank or your work or your workplace it can get really bad if you don’t collaborate with the narcissist in settling the internal object The Narcissist can and does become
67. 24:12 antisocial to the point of acting criminally identity theft and so on so forth so your best bet is actually not to reject the narcissist hoovering attempts outright I mean first you go no contact of course but if a narcissist insists on contact
68. 24:34 I am not of the opinion they should you should be contrarian and adverse and act with animosity and hostility and friend trendymorphins and so forth as if you don’t collaborate with the hovering efforts one way or another he’s gonna settle on a version of you which would
69. 24:54 compel him to act in ways which could be detrimental to your personal safety career and family so the way to react to a narcissist hovering is to be firm with your boundaries but not aggressive to say I’ve moved on I have another life now and I wish you all the best and so on so
70. 25:19 to be firm but at that particular phase to communicate no you don’t need to extend the communication and don’t fall in the Trap of the narcissist’s attempts to recreate some portions of the shared fantasy you just keep repeating these are my boundaries and I will not relent
71. 25:40 having communicated this two or three times go no contact again