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1. 00:03 what is the only thing more rare than a narcissist with empathy it is a saking video shorter than 3 hours today is the day you’ve been waiting for a short Sam well relatively short SB video I can see in the audience people tearing up hugging praying to
2. 00:30 their gods sacrificing cattle as a token of gratitude yes the day is upon us and I’ve heard your cries and I as any benevolent God would do am responding today we’re going to discuss what happens to the poor narcissist when you are the one who
3. 00:52 discards him before he has a chance to devalue and discard you and who is better to answer this question then Sam vaknin the author of malignant self- love narcissism Revisited a former visiting professor of psychology a current member of The Faculty of Cups and the list is
4. 01:14 long okay let’s get straight to the point if we want to keep this this one under one hour when you discard The Narcissist when you are the one who puts an end to the shared fantasy before the narcissist has had a chance to convert you into a persecutory object in his
5. 01:36 mind before he got the chance to devalue you and discard you on his own terms this of course leads to narcissistic injury if you put an end to the relationship if you break up and you discard The Narcissist publicly in a way that involves humiliation and shame
6. 02:00 for example if you pick up another guy in public in front of the narcissist peers and Venture into the night with him something that has happened to me quite a few times then this results in mortification so the outcomes of um your initiative to discard The
7. 02:23 Narcissist could be either narcissistic injury or narcissistic modification now these are two totally separate thing things psychodynamically narcissistic injury provokes the false self to overreact grandiosity is enhanced it’s as if the narcissist closes ranks and um
8. 02:47 tries to compensate for the injury with rage um rage that renders him in his own eyes omnipotent and Godlike to be feared and avoided and so on and so forth this is injury mortification on the other hand has much more longlasting effects and much more devastating ones The
9. 03:08 Narcissist false self is deactivated and disabled The Narcissist decompensates in other words his defenses are no longer able to Shield him from reality his grandiosity suffers a major blow cognitive distortion no longer works reality intrudes the breakup the discard
10. 03:34 the humiliation the public humiliation the shame erupt and they could be life-threatening now I’ve seen all kinds of self styled experts online with and without academic degrees conflating and confusing narcissistic injury narcissistic collapse and narcissistic
11. 03:52 mortification they are not the same and they don’t have the same uh outcomes so your caused injury if the breakup was in private or you’ve caused mortification if you broke up with him in public in a humiliating and shaming way and then then what happens the
12. 04:11 shared fantasy is put on hold of course because you’re out you’ve made it very clear that you will not conform to the snapshot to the internal object in the narcissist mind that represents you and it is essentially idealized and has become a maternal figure you have
13. 04:28 resigned you’ve given notice I am out of here I’m bailing out and no longer participating in your charade that minute you’re converted in the narcissist mind he begins to perceive you as a rejecting and frustrating mother a maternal figure which is the
14. 04:49 exact equivalent a replica and a clone of his real mother the original mother which wouldn’t let him separate an individuate and of course because you had become his real mother by rejecting him and discarding him this ret traumatizes him he goes through the
15. 05:07 original Early Childhood trauma again and he perceives you is an abuser the original trauma had had been has been C had been caused by a dead mother a mother who was absent or selfish or instrumentalizing or or parentifying mother who mistreated the
16. 05:27 child so this it’s been traumatic when you discard The Narcissist you step into the shoes of his original mother his real biological mother who have who had rejected him and she did this she rejected him by abusing him and so you become an abuser in the
17. 05:49 narcissist mind it is also known as persecutory object and then the narcissist as I mention the compensates and some narcissist act out they become essentially psychodynamically they become borderlines no longer in possession of narcissistic defenses against their
18. 06:08 overwhelming emotions they emotionally disregulated with negative effectivity in other words their negative emotions take over especially anger fear envy and so on and then they act out they do something crazy they crazy make they do something crazy Reckless
19. 06:31 defiant something very hurtful and harmful and often criminal so discarding the narcissist before he has had a chance to devalue you might lead the narcissist some narcissist not all might lead the narcissist especially if the discard was by way of mortification might lead such
20. 06:55 an nissis to act out and to seek to harm you revenge or some other way flying monkeys the numerous strategy smear campaign the numerous strates The Narcissist have at their disposal when they try to harm someone The Narcissist dissociates all this it is too difficult to bear it’s
21. 07:18 too hard on him the retraumatization is one inch removed from disintegration and a psychotic break to protect himself to Shield himself from the outcomes of your discard the narcissist dissociates and he likely to forget Amnesia he’s likely to forget a
22. 07:38 lot of the things he is likely to do so
23. 07:44 the narcissist would be very surprised if you were to confront him with some of the things he’s done and so they The Narcissist essentially if you want to understand the narcissist following a discard essentially it’s a borderline so you would you would do well to watch the
24. 08:00 videos on my borderline in my borderline personality just on the playlist on this channel so this is the first reaction you’re an enemy you’re a replica or a clone of his original mother you rejected him you frustrated him you ret traumatized him all his defenses crumble he
25. 08:21 decompensates sometimes he acts out in a crazy way in order to harm you exact revenge and restore Justice in his eyes he tends to dissociate a lot of this and if it’s injury his grandiosity is heightened in the case of narcissistic injury his grandiosity is heightened and
26. 08:39 leads to narcissistic rage if it’s narcissistic mortification he will is likely to withdraw regroup and then choose one of two solutions which I will discuss in a minute in the meantime another Dynamic that happens is that the narcissist experiences separation
27. 09:01 insecurity also known as abandonment anxiety within the Shar fantasy you are a maternal figure and even if a Shar fantasy is 5 days old you’re still a maternal figure even in a one night stand you’re a maternal figure so having discarded The Narcissist especially if
28. 09:22 you’ve done this in public and in a shaming way a way that puts him down and hurts him in public this leads to an overwhelming sense of Abandonment and separation extreme insecurity extreme anxiety uncontrollable overwhelming drowning again very very Akin very similar to
29. 09:48 borderline personality dis disorder The Narcissist needs to restore object constancy the narcis maintains stable injects injects to remind you are internal objects internal voices that represent you in the narcissist mind now as distinct as opposed to the to someone
30. 10:13 with borderl the narcissist maintains stable injects the borderline cannot she doesn’t have stable injects out of sight out of mind the narcissist is ex exactly the opposite of borderline the only real thing the only real things are the injects the
31. 10:32 internal objects are the only realities in his life but now that you have discarded him there is a mismatch a discordance a dissonance between the inject of you the internal object that represents you in his mind and the real you who has just discarded
32. 10:54 him so by discarding the narcissist you have diverged you have deviated from your introject in the narcissist mind from the internal object that represents you from your snapshot and so this creates what I call inject dissonance the only way to resolve an
33. 11:17 inject dissonance is to hover you or to stalk you to reintroduce you into the Shir fantasy so that you can again conform to to the internal object this is known this is what I labeled coercive snapshotting this is one of the forms of coercive snapshotting having discarded
34. 11:42 him in private or in public the narcist will do everything in his power to bring you back so that the injects in his mind will be kept whole will not be damaged and he will not have to alter them The Only Exception is mortification following mortification
35. 12:04 The Narcissist will avoid you he will convert your inject into a persecutory object into an enemy and will never see you again or be in touch with you again but in the vast majority of cases discarding The Narcissist does not create mortification it takes a lot to
36. 12:21 mortify The Narcissist in the overwhelming number of cases uh discarding The Narcissist creates narcissistic injury and to repair the damaged grandiosity The Narcissist needs you and he needs you in a way that affirms and butresses and confirms the internal
37. 12:44 object in his mind internal object that represents you in his mind so this is why naris is Hoover that’s why they stalk you and you should be uh fully cognizant of this and ready prepare yourself for these kinds of behaviors so again a recap you have
38. 13:06 rejected the narcissist you have discarded him before he had a chance to devalue you that means separation individuation is incomplete because you are maternal figure you’re a mother and again there’s a failure of Separation individuation exactly like his original
39. 13:21 mother you have rejected him you frustrated him you’ve re-traumatized you’ve traumatized him so this creates narcissistic injury or motiv ification he feels abandoned he develops abandonment anxiety and he wants you back in his life in order to mitigate or
40. 13:38 amarate the anxiety and to merge you again with the inject with the internal object that represents you in his mind this is the only solution in the meantime the N narcissist is furiously at work trying to make sense of what has happened you see in the narcissis mind he’s not an
41. 14:00 abuser he’s not coercive he’s a nice guy he’s helpful he’s loving he’s caring he’s attentive he’s compassionate yeah he may engage in tough love that’s because he loves you the narcissist mind is in mesed and immersed in the shared fantasy and a
42. 14:24 fantasy is a fantasy it it’s divorced from reality so the narcissist appraisal of your relationship the way he sees your relationship is dramatically different to the way you see the relationship in his mind having been discarded is betrayal you’ve betrayed him by discarding him
43. 14:46 you have stabbed him in the back you’ve betrayed him especially if you went went away with another man yeah so he has to make sense of this he feels extreme in Justice he feels that he has been mistreated he is the one who’s been abused and victimized and this of course challenges
44. 15:09 his perception of himself as invulnerable immune to the consequences of his actions Godlike above everything Above It All Above the free uh Untouchable and strong and resilient so here you are with a single act of discarding him you’ve shattered the
45. 15:30 house of cards which is the narcissist self-image and self- perception and he needs to reframe he needs to reframe what has happened and there are two ways of reframing one is known as internal solution and one is known as external solution the internal in the internal
46. 15:48 solution The Narcissist convinces himself that he is the one who initiated the discard he pushed you to discard him he manipulated you into breaking up he is the one who has brainwashed you and trained you and controlled you and brought on this consequence this
47. 16:09 behavioral consequence so whatever you do whatever you may do whatever you may have done it’s all the narciss is doing this is a grandio defense the internal solution is a grandio defense yeah she discarded me yeah she broke up with me yeah she went away with another guy
48. 16:30 um yeah she humiliated me and shamed me in public by doing this or something else but I made her do it she was just a robot she was an extension she was at my beck and call she was under my control I I’m the one whom caused all this to happen that’s the Godlike I’m I’m God
49. 16:51 it’s a Godlike defense so that’s the internal solution the external solution is she is evil she’s bad she’s malicious she did this on purpose she would do it to anyone and so that’s the way she is she’s corrupt that’s a p the external solution
50. 17:08 the external solution is persecutory I all good says the narcissist and she is all bed the act of discard therefore is a badge of honor because I’m all good this all bad person couldn’t be with me the very fact that I’ve been discarded by her
51. 17:29 just goes to show how decrepit and evil and malevolent and wicked she is because I’m a good good partner and a good person and so the breakup is all for the better the discard is proof of my virtue of my of of the high moral ground that I um that I
52. 17:57 occupy so it’s a badge of honor I can go around telling people wow I had this horrible partner who’s been abusive who’s been malevolent and malicious and W luckily I uh she she just walked away so these are these are the two ways that the narcissist reframes your
53. 18:23 discard when he is discarded by you he goes around saying I made her do it therefore I’m in control or he goes around saying she was evil she is nothing to she there’s nothing to regret I should be grateful that she is uh walked Walked Away I should be grateful that you broke up
54. 18:46 with me still the narcissis goes through stages of grief and morning but not for you not from the intimate partner for the shared fantasy the IST invests in ordinate amounts of emotional energy cathexis in the sh fantasy he constructs it he works on the details he keeps Rel
55. 19:11 living and reliving it he keeps imagining he keeps hoping he keeps daydreaming and then you just walk away you just you just discard him you just put an end to it cruy suddenly abruptly mercilessly callously ruthlessly and the shed fantasy is gone and done in mid in
56. 19:34 midlife and there’s a lot of mourning and grief involved the morning and the grief motivate The Narcissist to find a substitution for you substitute for you to replace you ASAP now there are two types of replacement isomorphic replacement and dissimilar
57. 19:53 replacement some narcissist would go around looking for someone who is your copy your replica resembles you physically resembles you emotionally resembles you as far as your cultural background societal background ethnic background another another version of you so this
58. 20:12 is the isomorphic replacement other narcissist would opt for the exact opposite of you so they would go for an intimate partner who is not like you in any way shape or form who is not even remotely reminiscent you isomorphic replacement is common with
59. 20:31 narcissistic injury dissimilar Replacements are common with mortification of course when I say he it’s a she when I say she it’s a he gender pronouns are interchangeable and another caveat everything I say here is about Intimate Relationships but it
60. 20:51 applies to friendships it applies to workplaces it applies to church and other collectives The Narcissist relates to the world only via a shared fantasy the nissis converts everything into a shared fantasy and so everything I’ve described here applies perfectly to
61. 21:11 having been discarded by a friend not by an intimate part okay I will continue faced with the grief in the morning for the stalled Frozen shirt fantasy The Narcissist needs to to complete the stages so he looks for substitute or replacement then once he
62. 21:33 has found the replacement he completes the disrupted shared fantasy and this is what is known as repetition compulsion he simply goes through the the phases that are left remember when you are the one to discard The Narcissist the narcissist is still stuck
63. 21:52 in the idealization phase so it’s easy for him to transition to another intimate partner or friend or or whatever and continue from the idealization phase The Narcissist love bombing of you has created in his mind a snapshot an internal object that is
64. 22:13 photoshopped idealized he just takes this internal object and applies it to a new partner or a new friend or a new colleague whatever he just takes this snapshot this internal object and applies it to another person and then it it takes it on from there it continues
65. 22:33 as if nothing has happened that’s why I keep telling victims of narcissis you are fungible you’re like so many pieces of rice grains of rice you’re a commodity you’re interchangeable it’s the internal object that matters the external objects come
66. 22:50 and go the internal object is forever and so there’s new content in the internal object a new partner and then the narcissist continues with a new partner where where he has stopped with you or where you have stopped and exited and hopefully with a new partner
67. 23:11 he says to himself I will be able to reach the phase of devaluation and discard I will then have attained separation and individuation from this maternal figure and resolve the Early Childhood childhood conflict once and for all