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1. 00:01 foreign we are going to discuss the covert narcissist narcissistic abuse the narcissistic narcissistic abuse meted out by covert narcissists is not the same as narcissistic abuse typical of overt or grandiose narcissists these two subspecies of narcissists
2. 00:26 differ so dramatically that there is a debate going on in the profession whether overt grandiose narcissists are actually a type of psychopaths and the only real narcissists are the vulnerable fragile covert ones but we will leave this debate aside I have a whole video
3. 00:44 dedicated to it for those of you who are interested and today we’re going to discuss the special variant of narcissistic abuse this pernicious species horrible penetrating or pervasive poisonous toxic variant of narcissistic abuse that has little to do actually
4. 01:07 with the overt grandiose narcissist variant and variant it is because it’s a bit of a virus as I’ve said in a video a few years ago we’re also going to discuss coercive control there are there’s a multiplicity of misunderstandings regarding this word
5. 01:27 it’s being misused the same way as gas gas lighting is and so I thought a bit of clarification with academic background would be would be useful should be useful for those YouTube YouTubers open to learning very few admittedly let’s start with covert abuse narcissistic
6. 01:49 abuse typical of covert narcissists number one such abuse is passive aggressive obstructive it has to do with sabotaging undermining preventing derailing challenging other people’s wishes hopes tasks assignments agendas etc etc so there’s a lot of passive
7. 02:19 aggression involved the covert narcissist creates intricate webs and coalitions of flying monkeys and Kamikaze Kamikaze suicide bombers these bombers so the covert narcissist puts together um networks of people and then activates them against the selected Target
8. 02:47 now the covert narcissist is a narcissist he has no empathy although he fakes empathy he pretends to be a rescuer or a savior or a Healer or a co-dependent or a victim in reality the covert narcissist is even more vicious and more Psychopathic and more dangerous
9. 03:09 than the overt and the grandiose narcissist and this kind of narcissist does not hesitate to sacrifice other people to put them at risk to compromise their interests to ruin their lives to put in danger their nearest and Dearest anything to obtain the outcomes of
10. 03:33 impacting the target destroying the target the target of Vengeance the target of envy they talk malicious Envy the target of narcissistic rivalry the target of some imagined fantasy gun orai when a Target is settled on when the covert narcissist decides this is my
11. 03:57 Target and I’m going to destroy him or her this kind of narcissist recruits people in a variety of ways sex money flirtation pretensions pretending for faking as I said a savior A Healer a rescuer a good guy or a good girl and so this kind of covert narcissist puts together
12. 04:20 coalitions and attacks the target in the process destroying the very people he uses without any Rebels or regret or second thought hiding behind the appearance of women and children as kind of human Shields this is typical of the covert narcissist now
13. 04:47 this is one element of what I call the occult narcissist the hidden narcissist it’s a narcissist who hides behind hides behind people hides behind a facade hides behind fake behaviors hides behind social norms hides behind cultural mores hides behind
14. 05:12 superstitions and conspiracy theories in misbeliefs and misinformation hides behind hidden occult narcissist he fakes empathy he pretends to be what he is not an expert a rescuer a savior A Healer he he’s helpful ostentatiously helpful he is marming
15. 05:37 absolutely smarmy he is altruistic or pretends to be altruistic and compassionate when actually this is prime manipulation being a covert narcissist he is adept at mimicking imitating people resonating with them knowing not only which buttons to push
16. 06:00 but how to become one with a flying monkey how to create or generate the impression we are the same we are we’re a Brotherhood we have the same goals and the same enemies let’s go for them the covert narcissist is manipulative and it usually is non-verbal there’s a
17. 06:23 lot of body language that goes into the covert narcissist machiavellianism so where whereas overt or grandiose narcissist are either cerebral and then they use their intelligence or they are somatic and then they use the bodies the covert narcissist is almost always
18. 06:42 somatic because the covert narcissist is a collapsed narcissist it’s a narcissist who has failed at obtaining Supply using for example is intellect or his personality or his character and temperament or his accomplishments or his biography what’s left his body
19. 07:04 so the covert narcissist doesn’t have to be a somatic narcissist in the classic sense but he is likely to emphasize body
20. 07:15 language facial expressions micro expressions um kind of friendly hugs imitating the body language of empathic accomplished beautiful kind loving nice people the main instrument the main tool in this Arsenal is the body so most covert narcissists are non-verbal
21. 07:43 when it comes to manipulating conspiring colluding and then striking at the Target exactly like a snake in the grass the covert narcissistic exercises punitive avoidance and withdrawal the aim is to increase or enhance the abandonment anxiety in the target the covert narcissist
22. 08:13 gives the silent treatment withholds affection shows no emotions this is called reduced effect display uh has usually flat attachment so the covert narcissist is more of an absence than even the overt or grandiose narcissist is more of an absence it’s more of a of
23. 08:37 a void or vacuum more of a black hole than even the grandiose of word narcissists and as I said it creates sacred coalitions against you smear campaigns hiding cowardly cravenly behind others and all this is intended to control the situation to control you and to obtain
24. 09:02 favorable outcomes for example to get you back or to render your contrite and remorseful or to punish you pure punitive vengeance be the case as it may these are the strategies used by covert narcissists now many people attribute to covert narcissists and to overt narcissists
25. 09:27 coercive control
26. 09:33 coercive control is an exceedingly rare phenomenon and no it is not typical only of narcissists the vast majority of people who exercise coercive control over their intimate partners are not narcissists or Psychopaths or otherwise diagnosed with
27. 09:55 any mental illness this this these are the statistics so corrosive control is a strategy a strategy of subjugating subduing taming domesticating and housebreaking someone who is significant to you no some losses of course use coercive control consciously and unconsciously
28. 10:21 Psychopaths use coercive control to some extent borderline I’m not saying that corrosive control is not an element not an element in the armaments not a weapon in the Arsenal of the narcissist but very few narcissists do do it very few narcissists use coercive control
29. 10:40 because it’s a highly highly defined term clinical term so coercive control is another much misused phrase exactly like gaslighting or narcissists 99 of the videos about gas lighting online are trash wrong nonsense 99.5 of the videos about Masters is
30. 11:07 online are trash wrong nonsense because they are not backed by academic research they’re not based on studies and on 100 Years of literature so same goes for coercive control
31. 11:26 must include the following elements to qualify number one the victims of coercive control are intimidated they’re terrified they are terrorized to the point that they alter they change their routines and modify their behaviors the main motivation in coercive control
32. 11:51 the main emotional landscape and background is Terror extreme fear even fear for your life as a victim number two social isolation in coercive control the victim is totally isolated from the environment on pain of extreme punishment now coercive control takes place only
33. 12:19 within long term committed relationships nothing dating not in a fling not among friends only in long term Intimate Relationships get it it involves social isolation and the constriction of life in other words the victim is gradually or not so gradually cut off
34. 12:50 from everyone else in the environment the only contact the victim has is with the coercive controller with the abuser it’s the only Lifeline the only pipeline into the world the only reality testing the only interface with with the universe no one else is allowed to see the victim
35. 13:12 the victim is not allowed to meet anyone to socialize to fraternize to go out no not allow life itself is constricted one by one the victim sheds her previous Hobbies interests occupations jobs she resigns she stays at home and there she does essentially only what
36. 13:41 the controller approves of if he disapproves of a hobby she drops it if he is irritated or annoyed by an interest she has she doesn’t have it anymore if he wants her to do something on a regular basis however boring and repetitive she will life Narrows is constricted more and
37. 14:06 more and this is known as life constriction next invasive monitoring and supervision this is possibly one of the most critical aspects of coercive control when the monitoring of the victim and the supervision of the victim by the controller by the abuser is
38. 14:25 all pervasive ubiquitous the abuser has the passwords to the victim’s digital devices smartphones laptops tablets you name it the abuser has the right to open the victim’s post and read it first the abuser senses a speech the abuses monitors everything
39. 14:46 she does comments on it or forces her to change her habits and her behaviors she wants to watch television it tells them not to she wants to drink some wine he tells her not to etc etc monetary supervision criticism like a in an externalized harsh first one inner critic
40. 15:09 sadistic sadistic superego Ray fight in an intimate partner Ray fight in the abuser abuser becomes the victim’s superego externalized and sadistic now the monitoring and supervision are micro they go into every possible detail the abuser does not let the victim shut the
41. 15:33 door of the toilets when she uses them I will not go into details or when she takes a bath or a shower he is there curtain drawn watching the proceedings she can’t change clothes without him being there she can’t go anywhere alone she can’t make phone calls without him
42. 15:51 listening on an extension or next to her she can’t do anything without him present one hundred thousand percent in her life nothing not even open the door not even say hello not even buy a loaf of bread not even watch television not surf the
43. 16:07 Internet nothing everything is monitored and supervised he installs spyware and other types of malware um key loggers and everything on her phone on her electronic devices he he insists on reading or email her chats what’s up you name it he is he has full
44. 16:29 unbridled unmitigated access to every second of every minute of every hour of the life all her correspondence on her output verbal and non-verbal and everything she does even the most private this is typical of coercive control next and this is what renders uh
45. 16:51 this is what the next thing is what render’s course if control criminal coercive control is a criminal offense in the United Kingdom in several other countries but not for example in Canada yet so but gradually I think it will be it will become a criminal offense in the
46. 17:07 vast majority of jurisdictions because coercive control to qualify as coercive control must include a deprivation of needs a denial of the gratification and satisfaction of basic needs like hunger or thirst the victim is denied food not allowed to drink
47. 17:32 not allowed to satisfy or to meet even the most basic requirements of existence without the say-so of the abuser and the abuser has a veto power he can deny her food for three days or drink for one for one day fluence for one day I’m not mentioning other needs like sex and love
48. 17:57 and compassion and affection in contact with other people in contact with the family interaction I mean I’m not mentioning any of these social Dimensions social needs not none of this I’m talking about the most basic things if you don’t obey me says the coercive
49. 18:15 controller your punishment is and you’re not going to eat today so the deprivation of needs the denial of needs is a crucial component of coercive control which renders it criminal actually control involves the control and micromanagement choices decisions behaviors actions and
50. 18:38 micro behaviors everything is totally managed everything requires approval explicit or implicit everything is subject to punitive measures punishment if you deviate or diverge or disobey or display any sign of autonomy agency Independence and self-efficacy so
51. 19:04 control and micromanagement there’s a denial of access denial of access to money to friends to family to help to the authorities to support to water to food to television to internet to your children to your ex denial of access the denial of access is a major control strategy
52. 19:28 and it is coercive in the sense that if you dare to oppose it or to try to haggle bargain and negotiate you’re punished and the punishments and coercive control escalate and they do and often can can and often do reach the physical so physical violence is very common in
53. 19:50 coercive control terrorizing degradation humiliation in a variety of ways including sexually multiple modalities of abuse verbal physical Financial sexual they’re all employed in order to control the victim there is a strong element of conditioning I have
54. 20:14 a video about conditioning the victim on this channel I have a video about everything audition I think except jumping cats so conditioning compliance automatic submission and thinking non-critical is rewarded if you act as a slave or as a programmable robot
55. 20:39 and you respond immediately to the wishes expectations and commands of the abuser you’re rewarded if you don’t punished and this conditioning operant conditioning leads to automatism and to impaired reality testing the will is broken you learn to react the way Pavlov’s
56. 21:07 talks reacted you salivate when you when you hear the sound of your abuser’s voice your reality testing is so short that you believe everything your abuser is telling you you believe that your abuser is the most the most and only faithful rendition of the world
57. 21:28 and so you become conditioned your submission submissiveness your subjugation is also conditioned in the sense that you cannot contemplate any other alternative your behavior is so dictated by lower level by lower levels of the brain that it’s no longer under your control
58. 21:55 you’re not you’re no longer control your behavior it’s just there automatically Beyond The Kin in the realm of your ability to modify to kind of negotiate a compromise or something you don’t even think about it the abuser or the coercive controller uses a specific look
59. 22:18 of I don’t know dissatisfaction or disapproval you immediately follow toe the line cow Tao and and obey obeisance automatic obeisance total obedience to qualify as coercive control it’s the whole strategy is premeditated and that puts that separates coercive control
60. 22:45 from the same phenomena in the narcissist shared fantasy there’s a nasty shirt fantasy is not a premeditated Psychopathic strategy of control the narcissist is as much a hostage of his shared fantasy as his victims are he believes in his own deception
61. 23:08 he he adopts his confabulations as real
62. 23:14 he doesn’t future fake because he fully trusts that he will realize his promises so coercive control on the other hand is goal oriented premeditated called calculated skimming Machiavellian that’s why coercive control is much more typical among Psychopaths than among narcissists
63. 23:39 although as I said there are many coercive controllers who are neither Psychopaths or narcissists coercive control is therefore not the outcome of mental illness such as a psychotic disorder schizophrenia or narcissistic personality disorder or bipolar disorder
64. 24:00 or or some other personality disorder if the course of control is the outcome of mental illness then it is not coercive control coercive control is a cognitive premeditated strategy some victims Miss perceive coercive control is love is an expression of Interest
65. 24:24 there’s a display of manifestation of attention and end or as the abusers insecurity Express dysfunctionally these are all excuses there is no reason or excuse or justification for coercive control it’s Criminal it’s horrible it’s Soul racking
66. 24:53 and it should be fought against by all ever any and all and every means possible there is a big difference between typical abuse even narcissistic abuse which is the most extreme form of typical abuse these types of abuse are Interactive they are they reflect Dynamics
67. 25:19 most of which are unhealthy and dysfunctional they are usually not malevolent the these types of abuse are not malevolent they’re not skimming they’re definitely not gold or red they simply reflect badly damaged people they reflect the Dynamics of badly damaged people
68. 25:45 not so with coercive control the coercive controller knows exactly what he’s doing and he keeps doing it he knows that he is isolating his prey he knows that he’s denying her food and water he knows that he is punishing her disproportionately he knows that he is conditioning he
69. 26:10 knows that he is terrorizing her and degrading her and humiliating her he knows that he’s altering her Behavior’s decisions choices and actions he knows that she’s no longer the same he knows that she had become a robotic Automated machine responsive to his cues and his needs
70. 26:34 he knows that he’s doing all this and he doesn’t care he doesn’t even bother to justify it to himself or to anyone else that’s just the way it is it’s a reflection of a power asymmetry so coercive control is qualitatively different any and all other types of control
71. 26:53 including narcissistic abuse