Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Are YOU the Narcissist’s Fantasy?

1. 00:02 my name is sam baknin i’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited and i’m also a professor of psychology like all the other videos on the long videos on my channel this video is divided into parts each part has its theme so these are thematic parts
2. 00:19 and you can choose to watch one or more themes you don’t have to watch the whole thing you don’t have to watch the whole 90 minutes you know but on the other hand it’s equally unwise to give up on the video after 10 minutes as the vast majority of you do
3. 00:37 um you may wish to scroll back scroll forward and rewind etc until you find a theme which suits you a typical video has well over 20 themes and it’s a pity to miss out on many of them so i will start by apologizing in my interview with the clinical psychologists from
4. 01:00 poland i have made a concluding statement which had misled many of you i said that splitting the primitive defense mechanism the infantile defense mechanism of splitting appears only in narcissistic personality disorder and in psychopathy that is untrue it of course
5. 01:21 also makes a prime appearance in borderline personality disorder we can even say that borderline personality disorder is splitting writ large the reason i did not mention borderline personality disorder in my comment is that i was trying to make an equation
6. 01:38 between self-styled empaths and and other grandiose characters and narcissists and so i say i said that both of them engage the mechanism of splitting but of course borderline is founded on splitting and borderline people with borderline personality disorders split
7. 01:57 the world they have dichotomous thinking and most importantly they split their intimate partner so i encourage you to watch videos on borderline personality disorder which i have on this channel where i explain how splitting operates there today we are going
8. 02:15 to delve even deeper to the issue of shared fantasy and i’m going to introduce you to many concepts religious technological literary etc etc so it’s going to be a very thrilling ride kind of disney world of the narcissistic fantasy but i want to open
9. 02:36 with a quotation from marcel proust marcel proust was a french jewish of course author and he had written the longest novel ever remembrance of things past it’s about 3000 pages every page is a masterpiece it’s an amazing novel and he wrote there it is the terrible
10. 02:59 deception of love that it begins by engaging us in play not with a woman of the external world but with a doll fashioned in our brain the only woman moreover that we have at our disposal the only one we shall ever possess that is an excellent insight into the narcissist shared
11. 03:23 fantasy and how he the narcissist idealizes you transforms you into a toy a doll during the love bombing and the grooming phase generally speaking if you want to study psychology in depth and its totality if you want to have a look at the human animal as a whole as a gestalt
12. 03:51 all you need to do is read three authors robert muscle m-u-s-i-l marcel boost and of course dostoyevsky all of psychology is in their books and nothing new had ever been discovered afterwards as you’ve just seen marcel proust has written had written about about the nazis’s
13. 04:15 shirt fantasy well over a hundred years ago a shared fantasy is an imaginary world and therefore it can be easily conceived is a type of paraquasan have you heard of paraquasam p-a-r-a-c-o-s-m pericosan paracosm is an imaginary word but a very very detailed one paraqusens
14. 04:43 usually originate in childhood and the child invents this kingdom this imaginary space this galaxy far away where gradually over a long period of time sometimes years the child develops this imaginary world introduces characters geographical and topological features
15. 05:10 uh all kinds of habits and practices social interactions and the thing grows and grows and grows and the creator of the paracosta remember it starts as a child the creator has a very very intimate deeply felt relationship it’s a subjective universe
16. 05:29 it’s a universe in the creator’s mind of course but it does have some connections to the real world because most of the imaginary characters the behavioral conventions they are borrowed from the real world and the paracosm has an interface with the with the real world
17. 05:48 the paracosm has its own geography its on history sometimes it’s on language and within the paragraph the child has imaginary friends these are friends who come to the child’s aid help and assistance they are everything the child is not yes it rings a bell doesn’t it it rings
18. 06:11 a bell because the phone self is such an imaginary friend the child creates the false self because the child is immersed in an environment of abuse and trauma and trying to fend off the pain trying to fend off the hurt and the fear and the anxiety
19. 06:29 that his environment creates with a dead mother with a mother who is not good enough not a safe base trying to insulate himself from the pernicious and deleterious effects of not being loved unconditionally not being accepted being castigated as a bad and worthy object is
20. 06:50 exceedingly excruciatingly agonizing and so the child invents an imaginary friend that’s the false self and the fourth self has all the elements of god and of course everything the child would like to be in his magical thinking he imbues the false self with
21. 07:13 the the false self knows everything is capable of anything all powerful all-knowing omniscient omnipotent the false self is brilliant and perfect and good utterly good blemishless the fourth self is an outcome of splitting where the child puts everything that’s
22. 07:31 good everything that’s strong everything that’s resilient and hopeful and protective and loving and caring into this imaginary friend gradually this imaginary friend comes to acquire the attributes of god indeed we can conceive of the kingdom of heaven
23. 07:53 as a paracosm with god or jesus if you’re christian as imaginary friends the forthcoming kingdom of heaven is an imaginary world invented by humanity at its infancy when humanity was a child and humanity needed an imaginary friend because nature was brutish and nasty
24. 08:18 there was famine there were diseases there were wars i mean humanity needed a friend badly so they invented god and then they then god had a child his son so to speak so these two became imaginary friends you could safely say that god and jesus and other religious prophets
25. 08:39 in religion in general is humanity’s false self these imaginary characters they are everything that humans wish they were and can never be if you look at the narcissist shared fantasy it’s very religious i said before in many other videos that narcissism
26. 09:03 is a private religion the false self is a godhead it’s a divinity it’s a deity and then there’s a worshiper an adherent a single believer that’s the narcissist the narcissist worships the false self and the narcissist makes human sacrifice he sacrifices his true self to the false
27. 09:25 self there’s a lot of religion in this and the narcissist shared fantasy involves you in a religious role listen well you become a religious artifact within the narcissist private religion because what is the narcissist shared fantasy it has a trinity there’s the father
28. 09:47 the mother and the son no holy ghost but father mother and son the father is the false self mother is the intimate partner you you are the mother the false self is the father and the narcissist is your son he is your son the false self provides paternal roles
29. 10:10 paternal roles of socialization of protection of provision etc etc and you you as a mother you are supposed to provide unconditional love and acceptance and support and support and to help the nazis grow and to overcome crisis and challenges it’s a holy family
30. 10:32 it’s a holy trinity exactly like the ma the the father the son and the holy ghost this is a trinity that is founded on a maternal or shall we say feminine principle now the narcissist shirt fantasy is therefore a form of mysticism it’s a mystical experience this is why
31. 10:55 the narcissist is seriously mortified when the shirt fantasy disintegrates and it’s a mystical experience founded on femininity on you you’re the pivot and the axis of the narcissist shared fantasy we find similar we find other mystical schools
32. 11:14 which place femininity at the center for example the kabbalah which is a 13th century jewish mystical school the kabbalah says that many of god’s attributes the attributes of god the attributes of creation they are feminine is a feminine name for one of the attributes of god yet
33. 11:38 etc jung himself had used archetypes many of these archetypes were feminine archetypes so we see the feminine at work narcissism is not only a mental health illness it’s not only a mental health disorder it’s a disruption of the most fundamental rudimentary processes
34. 12:03 of identity formation of socialization or functioning of ego and self-constellation this is a very foundational profound profound interruption and intervention in processes which are very very primordial processes which are very very akin to nature
35. 12:27 natural processes so while other mental health disorders have to do with internal objects external objects misbehavior this then narcissism is about interference with the core and the core is in some ways divine the core is in many ways animalistic
36. 12:49 and in other ways natural narcissism narcissism permeates all these dimensions in the narcissist the child the child on his way to becoming a narcissist reacts by coming up with a private religion when he grows up when he becomes an adult you have a role
37. 13:11 in this religion you are the mother the archetypal mother you are the partner of the false self the counterparty the intimate partner of the self that’s why you have to be idealized that’s why the narcissist needs a snapshot of you because he needs to internalize you he
38. 13:32 needs to convert you into an internal object having converted you in into an internal object you can interact with the other important internal object the false self so there’s a family a really a divine family like you know the olympian gods there’s you in the role of hera
39. 13:53 there is the false self in the world zeus and this is the narcissist in the role of hercules intimate partner as a mother provides the narcissist with access to the feminine it allows the narcissist to safely explore femininity in general and his femininity
40. 14:14 in particular now his femininity could be um normative so he’s male with with feminine aspects all men have feminine aspects of course or it can be very pronounced he could be a latent homosexual whatever the case may be he needs access to his fam to his suppressed repressed
41. 14:37 femininity to his forbidden femininity and you are providing this safely he can explore his femininity through you because he had rendered you a sexless genderless object internal object in his mind so he can explore his femininity without the threat
42. 14:58 of sex or sexuality you see you fulfill many crucial roles if you represent the feminine the feminine dimension or the feminine aspect of reality you represent a you are you are an integral part of a holy trinity a religious experience but ultimately the shared fantasy is always
43. 15:24 anti-social it’s antisocial because it rejects real life the narcissist rejects adulthood and the narcissist is paranoid he involves you in a shared psychosis it’s we against the world if you put all these things together the religious aspect or pseudo or
44. 15:44 quasi-religious aspect of narcissism in the shared fantasy this we against the world paranoia and the exploration of forbidden sexual realms psychosexual realms like homosexuality if you put all these together what you get is a cult it’s simply a cult
45. 16:06 setting shared psychosis is a paracosmic cult which brings us back to parakos remember that paracord is an imaginary kingdom imaginary world imaginary space imaginary galaxy invented by a child the concept was first described on believe it or not the bbc there was a
46. 16:31 researcher who was interviewed on the bbc robert sylvie and then there was another guy called the stephen macketh and finally the the psychologist who gave paracostum its weight in scholarly literature was david cohen uh british psychologists paracors and the word itself
47. 16:51 was coined by ben vincent and he he was just one of the participants in silvi’s study civic conducted a study in 1976 of children who inhabit imaginary spaces with imaginary friends the psychiatrist delmonte morrison and shirley morrison they enlarged the concept of
48. 17:13 paraposition they came up with something called paracosmic fantasy which if you read their work is actually a shared fantasy they published a book called memories of loss and dreams of perfection and they described people who went through trauma people who went
49. 17:33 through the loss of a loved one or some tragedy in childhood or maybe had been abused in childhood people who had experienced childhood trauma and this said that one of the major compensatory mechanisms that these people come up with they invent an imaginary world a
50. 17:51 paracosmic fantasy and they retreat to this fantasy whenever they’re stressed whenever they’re anxious or whenever they seek love care and intimacy for such people paracosms are ways of processing and understanding loss pain hurt trauma and possibly abuse
51. 18:15 in literature we find this it’s it’s very common if you read peter pan by james barry peter pan openly says i don’t want to grow up wendy let’s run away to an imaginary kingdom ultimately we discover it’s not so imaginary but it sounds like an imaginary place
52. 18:36 let’s run away there and live there ever after genderless and sexless peter pan is the originator originator of the first narcissistic shirt fantasy at least in public isaac dyson emily bronte all of them wrote about paracosms and all these paragraphs followed
53. 19:00 some major calamity or catastrophe um denison and bronte describe paracostas which followed the death of a loved one james barry described described paracors a parachutism which followed the refusal to grow up and i will elaborate on it on this issue a bit later it’s
54. 19:23 important to understand that for the narcissist the need to grow up is traumatic it’s painful it’s threatening and he retreats to his paracosm which is the shared fantasy with you this is the fourth self to protect him you to love him the child developmental psychologist marjorie
55. 19:49 taylor studied imaginary friends and then later on she discovered the concept of paracorsum and she was very happy because imaginary friends usually inhabit paracosms the fourth self think about the concept of the false self the fourth self would have been in efficacious
56. 20:08 would have been useless had it not been integrated with elements vestiges and figments of reality these figments of reality are among others you the fourth self needs to interact with people needs to interact with people in order to extract from them
57. 20:30 narcissistic supply support support def love caring imaginary or real for self is an interface between reality and the narcissist shared the narcissist fantasy later shared with you so the fourth self is an imaginary friend and it is the role of imaginary friends in paracords
58. 20:56 to isolate the child to protect the child to prevent the child from suffering they are the shock absorbers they are the lightning rods they don’t allow harm to come to the child they the these imaginary friends there their grandiosity is invested in their capacity
59. 21:19 and capability to isolate the child and to fend off enemies hostile entities threats abuse trauma and hurt they are like firewalls adam gopnik wrote an essay called bumping into mr ravioli and in this essay he describes a conversation he had with his sister
60. 21:45 his sister is a child psychologist he was talking to her he talked to he was very worried because his daughter was three years old and she had an imaginary friend and he went to his sister who was a child psychologist he said is it bad is it good what’s happening
61. 22:01 it’s i’m very worried because she my daughter who is three years old is much more invested in her imaginary friend than in reality or in us and he was i mean she introduced him to taylor’s ideas about imaginary friends within power courses and she told him his sister told
62. 22:18 him don’t worry paracostumes are a way of actually transitioning to reality the cha i’m about to drink
63. 22:30 the child uses the paracosm is a bridge to reality similarly the narcissist uses the false self in the shared fantasy is a bridge to reality the reality of you michelle ruth bernstein she studied creativity and she also i don’t know why all of them do this but she also discussed
64. 22:57 her worries about her daughter her daughter invented an imaginary world and her daughter inhabited this world resided in this world mentally for well over a decade shunning giving up on reality and and what bernstein was was very worried in 2014 she wrote a book called
65. 23:20 inventing imaginary worlds from childhood play to adult creativity and she she suggested that fantasy and paracords are critical um in in the process of creativity the ability to imagine another world and then to retreat to that world and to create from within it
66. 23:40 from within the imagination from within the shared fantasy many narcissists would tell you that they’re very afraid to lose their narcissism they’re very afraid to to be cured and healed whenever that would become possible because they they feel strongly that their narcissism
67. 23:58 is intimately connected with their ability to create narcissism is the diagnostic and statistical manual clearly makes very clear narcissism is a fantasy defense rich large it’s simply fantasy out of control it’s fantasy on steroids that is narcissism
68. 24:18 but what is fantasy fantasy is creativity the shade fantasy is very creative it’s like a movie it has a script you have a role it’s like a theater production you are on stage you’re on stage playing the narcissist mother or the narcissist adulator admirer or
69. 24:38 the narcissist playmate but there’s a role for you it’s all a production like shakespeare said it’s a stage and we are all on it so the narcissist create um shirt fantasy and paracorsum and the false self which is a father god figure these are all um in effect creative efforts
70. 25:01 and it is pretty stunning and amazing that a child age 4 can come up with this kind of imaginary world and imaginary friends this is to the credit of narcissists and if you look at the gnosis the elements of the narcissist shirt fantasy as i said it’s like holy trinity it’s
71. 25:23 like a religion but it also they also reflect elements in the narcissist’s life and in the narcissist in a composition in a makeup you have the father figure which in the shirt fantasy the narcissist plays the father figure so you have the false self the fourth
72. 25:42 self is the father figure and within the shirt fantasy especially during the love bombing and grooming phase the narcissist plays the guru father figure then you have the mother figure which is you the mother figure loves unconditionally she is accepting she is
73. 26:01 you know soft she is feminine and so and so forth the narcissist plays this as well the narcissist becomes a genius child so he starts he starts by playing or play acting the false self in the grooming phase he’s a father he’s a guru he’s disciplinarian his stern he’s strong
74. 26:24 he’s a rock you know but then when you have entered the shed fantasy he kind of appropriates your role he becomes a child emotional petulant infuriating endearing cute unbearably adorable hateful he’s a child in in short feminine these are characteristic traits of femininity
75. 26:48 in a stereotyped gender role manner and some some scholars believe therefore that the ability to create imaginary worlds and imaginary friends the ability to engage in shared fantasy as a mode of relating to the world as an interface with the real world many scholars
76. 27:08 believe it has to do with creativity and also high intelligence collectly himself in 1942 collectly wrote mask of sanity collectively suggested a strong connection between giftedness and psychopathy he speculated that perhaps most psychopaths have a very high iq highly intelligent
77. 27:32 and perhaps even highly emotional and psychopathy is a reaction formation it’s kind of a massive attempt to destroy hypersensitivity hyperemotionality because it’s very painful so clinically clarkley was among the first to speculate on this and there was a michigan university
78. 27:50 study uh ruth bernstein aforementioned and and she discovered that many fellows of the macarthur program geniuses yes many of them had paraphrosis as children and they they engage in a practice called world play in other words they created imaginary imaginary world
79. 28:14 actually geniuses who qualified for the macarthur stipend they were twice as likely to have engaged in childhood world play in the construction of paradises they were also significantly more likely to recognize aspects of fantasy shared fantasy world play and paraphrasm
80. 28:34 in adult professional work so paracostums imaginary friends imaginary world and the narcissist shared fantasy they’re indicators of a high level of creativity and possibly a high level of intelligence and in the international handbook on giftedness the same rude bernstein
81. 28:55 wrote about paracos in plain childhood is an indicator of creative potential and she said it may supplement objective measures of intellectual giftedness as well as subjective measures of superior technical talent and so i also refer you to the book children
82. 29:12 childhood and cultural heritage written by christine alexander she said that paracosms and imaginary world have to do with writing it’s an attempt by children to create self-efficacy and agency to kind of become their own autonomous independent entity able to act upon the world
83. 29:32 this would explain of course why children who become narcissists develop these imaginary worlds and imaginary friends as a response to abuse and trauma because they need to feel that they have an agency they need to feel that they can act from the world not only
84. 29:47 the other way around so this is about parakosis as uh with the the initial stage of establishing a shared fantasy is idealization and i connect idealization of course to self gas lighting as i mentioned in my previous videos self gas lighting is when you yourself
85. 30:12 when you use when you gaslight yourself when you create an image of the world perception of the world which is unrealistic when you fail the reality testing when you cause yourself to doubt your own judgment about the world about what’s so idealization is self-gaslight
86. 30:38 because it’s false it’s great it’s also grandiose it it aggrandizes you there’s a process of co-idealization by idealizing your intimate partner you’re idealizing yourself and this is a process of self gas lighting because it divorces you gradually from reality but
87. 30:59 as distinct from the narcissist as distinct analysis you can give up your this imaginary world you can give up even on your imaginary friend which is the idealized narcissist who had been groomed grooming you and love bombing you you can give up on on any of this it’s painful
88. 31:20 it’s hurtful it’s and it’s an anguish it’s agonizing but you can give up on it because you’re healthy essentially you’re healthy the narcissist cannot give up on his imaginary world on his paracosm on his kingdom of heaven on his shirt fantasy and on your role within
89. 31:41 these imaginary worlds as the false self protects him you have the role of loving and no human being even a narcissist even a psychopath can survive without being loved at all 100 by no one people need to be loved regardless of their mental illnesses so
90. 32:05 the fourth self is the protector the father figure the godlike figure your role is to provide love and care and empathy and femininity and softness and acceptance and warmth and the narcissist cannot give up on either of you he cannot give up on the shared fantasy
91. 32:24 because shared fantasy is the imaginary world within which both of you exist the fourth self and the internal object that represents you both of them are internal objects both of them are within mind of the narcissist and to ask the narcissist to give up on his shirt fantasy is
92. 32:44 exactly like asking the narcissist to give up on his mind and on reality that’s his reality that’s his mind he can’t give up on it and so the narcissist will sacrifice his life literally to defend his shared fantasy to defend uh elements in the false self like
93. 33:07 grandiosity or superiority and to defend different elements in you which cater to the narcissist’s regulatory emotional needs and he will fight he will fight to death that’s why narcissists disregard necessarily engage in behaviors like erotomanic stalking or hovering
94. 33:28 it’s these attempts to resuscitate and revive shared fantasy a shirt fantasy and this is why narcissists grab move move seamlessly and immediately from one shared fantasy to another because in the absence of a shirt fantasy there’s no narcissist the little that does exist
95. 33:48 the the figment of imagination and fantasy that substitute for a person for a human being even these are under threat if the shirt fantasy disintegrates and nothing replaces it the narcissist needs to subsist and exist continuously within shirt fantasy
96. 34:11 if the narcissist is exposed to reality it’s like a vampire he shrivels and dies and burns brightly he cannot narcissist cannot be exposed to sunlight he needs to inhabit the dark recesses recesses of his mind within the confines the walls the fortress of a shirt fantasy
97. 34:34 and this has to do this is a lot to do with the narcissist refusal to grow up remember i mentioned peter pan
98. 34:45 the narcissist refuses to grow up and he is severely penalized for this i’ll come to it in a minute the shared fantasy is an away oasis it’s a sanctuary it’s a shelter within which the narcissists can survive and only within the shirt fantasy narcissists cannot survive
99. 35:13 in reality only inside the shirt fantasy in this sense the narcissist shares a lot in common has a lot in common with autistic spectrum disorder patients when we come across someone who refuses to grow up someone who rejects adult chores roles
100. 35:33 skills and responsibilities someone who assumes the mantle of a petulant and infuriating child someone who would not invest or commit in any undertaking or relationship when we come across someone like that our reflexive reaction is revenge coupled with disrespectful contempt
101. 35:58 if the narcissist were to show himself the way he is you know if he were not if he were not too fake and to lie through this shared fantasy if he were not to present to the world a somewhat acceptable facade somewhat acceptable front via the shared fantasy if he were just
102. 36:24 there if his losses were just there raw unedited uncensored he wouldn’t last because we really react very badly to people who refuse to grow women when they’re confronted with someone who refuses to grow up they feel deceived they feel fooled and they respond this way
103. 36:47 to peter pan types the peter pan type the man who wouldn’t grow up the man who pretends to be an adult male but then when you penetrate the veneer when you get a bit closer to him when you develop some intimacy you discover that he is not an adult male
104. 37:08 that he refuses to grow up that he’s a child so women shame this kind of men humiliate him in public sometimes by openly and ostentatiously cheating on him with ripe adult males but not only they lose all respect and they feel very angry and deceived in men
105. 37:31 men obscured with the with the pueritenos women and with his property both material and intellectual men ostracize the peter pan they subject him to a toxic mix of ritualized aggression and assiduous derision if he is rich or famous or powerful they await his downfall with glee or
106. 37:57 they precipitate it maliciously and enviously and these reactive behavior patterns are ancient and in big part they are biological the stunted personal growth and arrested development of the eternal adolescent they threaten the survival of the species
107. 38:15 they threaten the survival of species first and foremost because they inhibit procreation in child rearing for example so if you refuse to grow up you’re very likely to become a father the puerile is also essentially a free rider he enjoys goods and services produced by
108. 38:34 other people but he evades and avoids rendering a productive contribution to the collective effort he’s a parasite his conspicuous absenteeism often cloaked in self-justifying ideology it undermines the survival and the welfare of the many by wasting
109. 38:54 scarce resources and potentials and by shirking the proportionate sharing of the communal burden refusing to grow up therefore is an anti-social act it elicits the same attitudes and responses reserved to egregious criminal behavior so narcissists
110. 39:18 put up a facade they put on an act they lie confabulate and prevaricate uh in the way they do this the procedure that’s assured fantasy within the shared fantasy the nazis couldn’t pretend that he’s normal that he’s an adult here here he’s with a woman here he has a family
111. 39:42 here he has a job that’s a shared fantasy only the narcissist knows that he has no intention to actually become an adult actually assume commitment actually invest actually go the go in the long run go for it in the long run other people are very frequently misled
112. 40:07 by the narcissist and more more particularly by the narcissist shared fantasy share fantasy is a shield it’s a defense it’s a fortress it’s a protection it’s a firewall against people see coming to know the narcissist against seeing the narcissist for what it is
113. 40:29 because if you see the narcissist for what it is no makeup no disguises no camouflage no pretensions no fantasies you are very likely to harm the narcissist narcissists provoke extreme aggression extreme emotion negative emotionality extreme
114. 40:51 energy extreme hatred everything extreme people hate narcissists vehemently this this viscera this early um uncontrollably they want there’s an impulse irresistible impulse to pounce on the narcissist and to destroy him he’s so repulsive so petulant so arrogant so
115. 41:14 so you know so stupid actually as well and so you just want to you want to mold the nurses you want to break every bone in this body and the nurses need to defend against this they need they need to make sure you never see their true faces and they use you
116. 41:36 one of your roles as a mother figure is to shield the narcissist they use you by being seen with you by living with you by cohabiting with you by making a family with you by i don’t know making love to you but this is virtual signaling they’re using you for virtue signaling
117. 41:57 you see i’m normal you see a woman pick me up you see a woman agrees to live with me you see i’m in a couple you see nothing’s wrong with me you see i’m not a narcissist in effect that’s not a fantasy that’s reality the narcissist says about his shirt fantasy
118. 42:16 but why would the narcissist once inside the shared fantasy why would the narcissist some narcissists choose to renounce sex and the pleasures of intimacy and succor with apartment we just said that the narcissist needs you to fulfill the role of a mother
119. 42:36 to love him to support him to accept him and also to signal to outsiders that everything is okay that everything is normal it should be that the shell fantasy is not a fantasy that it’s real and that the narcissist had been vetted and found out to be totally
120. 42:55 totally okay and normal but virtuous that’s one of your major roles virtual signaling to the outside narcissus uses you as a cover it’s a cover-up okay but once you are in the shared fantasy trapped with the narcissist within the confines and the walls and the perimeter
121. 43:16 of this gated community of this compound osama bin laden compound or some bin vaccine compound once you’re inside why suddenly many narcissists give up on you they don’t want your intimacy they don’t want your company they don’t want your support your
122. 43:36 support they don’t want your sex they don’t want you to bother them you had become an annoyance in a nuisance this is especially true with cerebral narcissism why is that why and why does the narcissist transform such predilections or proclivities and uh decisions into an ideology
123. 44:02 of superiority akin to a religious tenant you see the cerebral nazis converts transforms his sexlessness his celibacy self-imposed celibacy he transforms it into a virtue into an ideology into a religion it elevates him his celibacy elevates him his abstinency
124. 44:29 his abstinence renders him supreme and superior so he he converts it into a kind of faith article of faith so this these are two questions here one why not benefit from your presence why not make use of your body for example even if it is only autoerotic and only to masturbate to
125. 44:53 masturbate with why not masturbate with your body why not why keep distance from it why throw away everything you have to offer which includes love caring support support empathy why throw this away and then once you have done that as a cerebral narcissist
126. 45:12 why do you glamorize and glorify these pretty stupid actions there are two pathways developmental pathways two etiologies two cerebral narcissism one is when there is overwhelming efficacy in extracting narcissistic supply via intellectual pyrotechnics
127. 45:39 that’s a very very politically correct way of saying when the narcissist is truly astoundingly gifted narcissus is a genius but at the same time he’s very ugly hans christian andersen comes to mind yeah so nazis like that who has nothing to offer bodily
128. 46:02 hunts christian anderson was a homosexual in a day and age with homosexuality was a crime and he was seriously possibly the ugliest men to ever have ever inhabited europe so he had nothing to offer physiologically physically body wise and he had a brilliant mind
129. 46:23 of course so this kind of analysis automatically would become cerebral as it doesn’t have many opportunities but it comes to the alternative sex the second trajectory however is much more complex it’s avoidance avoidance in the wake of repeated failures in relationships
130. 46:43 sex invariably leads to the formation of a shared fantasy with every narcissist somatics cerebral even covert narcissists create shared fantasies and very often the gateway to the shared fantasy is the intimacy experienced in sex so in narcissist and in many other men
131. 47:03 by the way sex leads to intimacy not the other way so sex invariably leads to the formation of a shared fantasy which results also invariably ineluctably to betrayal to cheating by the disgruntled partner and to life-threatening modification whenever the narcissist
132. 47:27 has sex with a woman whenever he falls in love so-called in love with her infatuated with her whenever he chooses her as a potential source of supply which he calls in the intimate partner whenever he does this it ends badly it ends in cheating
133. 47:43 it ends in betrayal it ends in breakup it ends in heartbreak it ends in life threatening mortification and so at some point even narcissists who are somatic to start with let alone narcissists who are mostly cerebral dominantly cerebral all narcissists at some point
134. 48:06 choose cerebral narcissism because it’s a strategic outcome of pain or hurt aversion they’re averse to pain first of all averse to conflict you will discover have a look around you make a survey and you will see that all the narcissists are almost exclusively almost exclusively
135. 48:33 cerebral somatic narcissists are young in their 20s 30s 40s maybe 50s gradually all of them become serious all of them become cerebral because of the cumulative mortification hurt and pain over multiple failed shared fantasies every few years every few decades the cerebral
136. 48:56 narcissist tries again to become somatic and such attempts are based on mistaken counterfactual beliefs that he or she or the or the world had changed or that he had finally found the right partner and so he boldly ventures forth and then he rediscovers long forgotten
137. 49:13 facts and lessons one that his body is far inferior to his mind if he’s a cerebral as a tool for extracting supply he better use his mind and his intellect because his body is unattractive and he also discovers that sex leads inexorably to failure betrayal cheating
138. 49:33 mortification why because he’s a child he’s a child not a man he cannot meet a woman’s emotional needs he cannot meet a woman’s physical and sexual needs he’s a child and he’s a child who is not even in reality but in a fantasy all of his making the narcissist gradually discovers
139. 50:01 as he grows older that the parakosium the imaginary world the imaginary friend that he had created when he was a child when he was a kid had taken over like in a horror story by stephen king there’s no way out he’s in the door you know he can’t escape in this monstrous golem
140. 50:27 has come alive like frankenstein’s uh monster dr frankenstein’s master monster it’s come alive and it had devoured him and his ability to be with other people people not only women the shared fantasy is a principle that is applied to all the narcissist relationships
141. 50:47 so the paracausal principle the imaginary world principle the imaginary friend principle they’re applying to women in a romantic shirt fantasy they’re applied to colleagues and business partners in a business shared fantasy but it’s shirt fantasy
142. 51:03 it’s a fantasy on first encounter with reality it unravels and disintegrates there’s nothing there exactly as there’s nothing inside the narcissist there’s nothing outside the narcissist it’s all hashem it’s all figments of the narcissist febrile imagination
143. 51:27 childish imagination the narcissist refuses to grow up possibly because he cannot grow up reminded of what he chose to withdraw in the first place so many years so many decades ago the cerebral nazis then reverts to his dominant mode as a cerebral and again
144. 51:47 he avoids sex and intimacy and this implies that in some respects narcissism is a choice and in many ways it is i can prove to you that narcissism is a choice by the way and i can prove to you even that all aspects of narcissism are choices the narcissist chooses to be analysis
145. 52:10 and many many narcissists are proud of this choice they are emotionally invested conflicted in this choice here’s the proof when the narcissist ends up in prison and many do is gone the narcissist is gone all aspects of narcissism vanish the abrasiveness the contempt the defiance
146. 52:37 the grandiosity the arrogance the haughtiness the everything is gone the narcissist evaporates the minute he crosses the threshold of a prison the narcissist never mind how malignant never mind how grandiose never mind how vociferous and uh victorious and i don’t know what defiant
147. 53:01 and impulsive is gone not a trace of the narcissist is left inside prison the narcissist is a pussycat is a cutie pie he’s pro-social he’s communal he’s empathic he’s submissive he’s obedient and he is conforming and the fact that the narcissist can can
148. 53:26 affect this transformation within minutes outside the gates he is still the obnoxious sob that we all know 10 minutes later inside the prison compound he’s governor and here he is replaced he’s substituted for by a delightful person a person we would all have loved to
149. 53:52 marry or to do business with or to socialize with what happened to the narcissist the narcissist leaves his narcissism outside the gate inside prison if he were to continue to be a narcissist it would have been a very short-lived career trust you me and this ability to
150. 54:12 self-transform is a choice it’s a decision and it’s a fact that the narcissist reverts to his narcissism having left jail even on furlough it’s proof that narcissism is a choice and that it is a self-efficacious reaction to incentives it’s incentive driven behavior when you
151. 54:35 have the right incentives to not be a narcissist you are not a narcissist you are not even a hint of a narcissist you are not a shadow of an introvert narcissist trust you me from personal experience if you in prison try anything narcissistic you’re very dead so
152. 54:57 in reality the narcissist is an impotent infantile loser with zero self-efficacy and deep inside he knows it his avoidance of all true commitment to an investment or because of that he dreads yet another proof of disability and failure if he commits if he invents invests he
153. 55:18 will inevitably fail he knows that his only expertise the only thing he’s good at is failing and don’t start telling me about all kinds of narcissists who made it and are successful and the pillars of the community and the presidents of the united states
154. 55:34 narcissists enjoy short-term successes it is the end the end game that matters where their self-destructiveness takes over and many of you asked me well shirt fantasy and so on i could have played along i could have fitted into the shirt fantasy i could have
155. 55:56 enacted my role in the in this theater play in this movie did i contribute to my to the breakup did i contribute to the dysfunction of the relationship with the narcissist well listen undoubtedly you did whenever two people are never two people who are
156. 56:17 profoundly mismatched people who are fundamentally incompatible when when two such people insist on having a relationship let alone when this relationship is not realistic but it’s a dream it’s a story it’s a piece of fiction it’s a fantasy a shared fantasy
157. 56:36 this these people generate a dynamic which leads inexorably to the dissolution of the liaison that it’s it’s both of you create this dynamic both of you want to undermine the shirt fantasy because you don’t feel good with each other why did you choose the narcissist in the
158. 56:53 first place because analysis is resonated with with your sick side with your shadow side with your pathology you don’t want that because it’s a big part of you that is normal that is healthy that is self-loving and self-caring and self-self nutrient
159. 57:13 a big part of you which nurtures you and cares for you and protects you and this part realized that the nurses is bad for you nasties is collaborating with the part of you which is detrimental to your longevity or good life or well-being or welfare
160. 57:31 so the healthy part protected you the mismatch between you and the narcissist is that you had a healthy part the narcissist does not the nazis has no empty power it’s a scorched earth soul it’s nothing there only ruins piled upon ruins and so the narcissist
161. 57:55 like the living dead interacting with the zombie part in you and your healthy part was trying to save you and this is the source of the mismatch and the incompatibility it is natural common and healthy to seek to undermine a sick relationship to seek to free yourself to pursue
162. 58:16 self-actualization and happiness that’s not sabotage that salvage this self-saving you should be proud that you had undermined this relationship that you had brought it to an end you should be proud of yourself this should be the foundation of your healing
163. 58:37 from the trauma that you had endured