I am Sam Vakninand I am the author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited.
This is the first in a series of ten videos about how to survive a relationship with a narcissist and how to cope with a psychopath.
First, it is important to understand that there is nothing special about the body language or behavior patterns of abusers who are not narcissists and psychopaths. Not all abusers suffer from a personality disorder.
Regrettably, most victims find themselves trapped long before they have become aware of any meaningful warning sign.
Also important to remember is that abuse is a multifaceted phenomenon. It is a poisonous cocktail of controlled, cathected conforming to social and cultural norms, and it includes latent sadism.
The abuser seeks to subjugate his victims, but also to look good and save face in front of family and peers.
Many abusers simply enjoy inflicting pain on helpless victims.
My advice to you is to disengage, detach, terminate the relationship, get as far away as you can, but assuming that you want to stay on with your abuser, assuming that you want to maintain this sick relationship, maltreatment can, to some extent, be mitigated, ameliorated, and even avoided.
Abusers react to the slightest provocation, real or imagined, and they react with disproportionate wrath and rage and often violence.
It is therefore important never to openly and repeatedly disagree with your abuser or contradict him. If you do, your abuser is bound to walk away, but only after he has vilified and harmed you in every which way he can.
Abusers feel threatened by real sharing and by common decision making, so never offer your abuser any intimacy. It is a sure way of turning him off and his aggression on.
Abusers perceive intimacy or the offer of intimacy as a prelude to manipulation. Internally, they have a dialogue that says, actually a monologue that says, what is she getting at? What does she really want? What is a hidden agenda?
Abusers are, to some extent, narcissistic. They have narcissistic traits, so admire and adore them openly, but do not lie to them or exaggerate. This would be perceived by them as cunning and will provoke your abuser to feats of paranoia and jealousy.
Look awed by whatever matters to your abuser, for instance by his professional achievements, or by his good looks, or even by his success with other women, but do not overdo it.
The abuser tries to transform his personal space into the exact opposite of his real life. At home, he is the master of a fantasy, of perfection and harmony, and the undisputed recipient of adulation and obeisance.
Any reminder that, in reality, his life is a drab, dead end, subject to a routine, that he is a failure, or a tyrant, or a swindler, or a wannabe, sometimes hated by his own oppressed family, any such reminder, he is likely to be met with unbridled hostility and worse.
Never remind your abuser of life out there, and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity.
Reassure him of the permanence of your obedient and self-sacrificial love to him. Do not make any comment which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, on his omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
He wishes to be godlike. Treat him as such.
Listen attentively to his words, and never disagree or contradict him, or offer your point of view. You are there merely to witness the abuser’s train of thought, not to derail it with reminders of your separate and autonomous existence.
Be saintly, be patient, be accommodating, and endlessly giving, with nothing in return. Never let your energy be depleted. Never let your guard down.
Your abuser is likely to be provoked to extremes by signs of your personal autonomy and independence.
So you should conceal your thoughts and plans, make no overt choices, and express no preferences. Never mention your emotions, your needs, your earnings, your wages, your profits, your trust money. Tell him how much you rely on him to reach the right decisions for both of you.
Stay dumb, but not too dumb, or it may provoke his suspicions. It is a thin line between pleasing the abuser and rendering the abuser a raving paranoid. Never give your abuser cause to doubt or suspect you. Surrender all control to him. Deny yourself access to property and funds. Do not socialize. Drop all your friends and hobbies. Quit your job and your studies and confine yourself to your abode.
Your abuser is bound to be virulently jealous and suspect illicit liaisons between you and the least likely persons, your family included.
He is likely to accuse you even of incest. He envies the attention you give to others, even to your common children.
Place him on a pedestal and make sure he notices how you ignore, spurn, and neglect everyone else.
To your abuser, you are an object, no matter how ostensibly revered and cherished one.
Hence, the battering. He monopolizes your time and your mind as well as your body.
Beating upon you is his way of saying, I possess you, your mind. He makes for you even the minutest choices.
What to wear? What to cook for dinner? When and where to go out? And with whom?
In extreme cases, your abuser regards even your body as his to share with others if he sees fit.
It is an honorous existence, consistently tiptoeing on eggshells.
Neither is it invariably successful. The submissive posture delays the more egregious manifestations of abuse but cannot prevent them altogether.
Choosing to live with an abuser is like opting to share a cage with a predator or a nest with a snake.
No matter how domesticated, nature is bound to prevail. You are more likely than not to end up as the abuser’s next meal.
Bear that in mind. Remember my advice.
The only way to treat an abuser is not to treat him at all, to disengage, to go away.
And this is the topic of our next video.
