Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. On Narcissists and Narcissism (Sam Vaknin on Exist Real in NAVSOS, Worthing UK)

1. 00:00 No text [Music]
2. 00:07 my name is Sal Vaknin I’m the author of this book among others malignant self-love narcissism revisited
3. 00:14 I have written several books of all the topic this was my first one published 20 years ago 18 into precisely 18 years ago
4. 00:21 malignant self-love narcissism revisited so I’m kind of the granddaddy of the field so to speak
5. 00:27 malignant self-love started as a is a series of correspondences with mainly No text victims of narcissistic abuse but also with some narcissist and therapists working with novices who found
6. 00:39 themselves utterly utterly befuddled and bemused by the condition and so the corresponds was going on for two years and then I discovered patterns in the correspondence so I discovered that
7. 00:51 there were frequently asked questions so I collected these questions together and I opened a website in 1997 and then people put pressure and asked for the
8. 01:02 website to be published as a book those were the olden times and the people still prefer to read physical books so there was a first edition of elegance of love Spanish in Prague in
9. 01:14 1999 and it was an amalgamation and a collection of of the concerns hopes
10. 01:21 fears of people who lived with narcissus worked with narcissist and suffered
11. 01:28 suffered inevitable abuse at the hands of Nazis my book is user’s manual for No text the narcissist when one buys a new computer one usually refers to the
12. 01:42 user’s manual or the computer is rendered unusable it’s the same with the narcissus when one gets married to a narcissist when one starts to work with a narcissist when one is employed by the
13. 01:53 narcissus when one’s clergyman is a narcissist when one’s you know in law
14. 01:59 enforcement and in the course in show business and in politics of course cetera et cetera narcissism is
15. 02:06 and all pervasive phenomenon which permeates literally every every major
16. 02:13 profession and every major field of life so there’s Nazism in a family narcissism
17. 02:19 in the workplace losses men in religion losses in politics etcetera etcetera so this is a user’s manual simply it
18. 02:27 describes 86 and then describes the narcissist psyche what makes him tick
19. 02:33 which psychodynamic processes take place how they interact with each other how do
20. 02:39 they feed upon each other the narcissus
21. 02:45 unusual peculiar idiosyncratic and very baffling reactions including for example
22. 02:52 narcissistic rage or devaluation or idealization these are things so outside
23. 02:59 the sphere of Colin experiences that one
24. 03:05 might as well be interacting or working with or living with an alien an extraterrestrial being or in a form of artificial intelligence in the absence of such a manual it is impossible to
25. 03:18 decipher decrypt the narcissist it’s impossible to predict the narcissist next moves it’s impossible to
26. 03:25 shield oneself emotionally from the nos from the hurt and pain and agony that
27. 03:31 narcissism flicked on people so it’s this is simply my book is simply a
28. 03:38 shield it’s kind of like in Star Wars you know it’s a it’s a shield because narcissus
29. 03:44 keep-keep pelleting people with all forms of maltreatment and so on and this
30. 03:51 book is your is your protective or your firewall against analysis No text every human being has healthy Gnosticism healthy Gnosticism is a face usually in early childhood and then there’s a second face in in adolescence where one usually forms one’s identity and then
31. 04:13 acquires a modicum of self-esteem and self-confidence which if realistic constitute a sense of
32. 04:20 self-worth so one becomes aware of one’s limitations one’s realistic talents and skills one’s abilities and disabilities one’s failings and one’s advantages and
33. 04:33 this this put together this is the edifice of healthy narcissism obviously in the in the absence of healthy
34. 04:39 narcissism people people develop other forms of pathologies for example
35. 04:45 dependence or codependent so happiness is most critical it is when healthy narcissism spins out of control when it acquires a malignant form when it remains pure I’ll or even infantile when
36. 04:59 it is coming gold with primitive defense mechanisms when it imparts one’s ability
37. 05:07 to assess reality properly in other words what we call a failed reality test when it generates and fosters and
38. 05:15 engenders cognitive distortions and cognitive biases and cognitive failures when it leads to the suppression of emotions and inaccessibility of emotions when it
39. 05:28 gives rise to extremely negative and destructive and then self-destructive emotions such as pathological envy and hatred when all these are put together then we have pathological narcissism
40. 05:40 pathological narcissism is not an extreme or radical form of healthy narcissism it is an absolutely different
41. 05:47 clinical entity it is so different to healthy narcissism that one would do
42. 05:53 well to think of it as an entirely in psychodynamic phenomenal and this is why we need books like malignant so far
43. 05:59 than others which describing this phenomena because it’s really really as I said so outside common human
44. 06:06 experience I was literally the first to study the I mean to start with the field but there’s No text
45. 06:14 still of course enormous amount of work to be done and I think knowledge of the logic and losses and narcissism in
46. 06:21 general healthy narcissism and the various manifestations and phases of narcissism is still in in its infancy
47. 06:27 and additionally there is very strong resistance to studying narcissism there
48. 06:33 is resistance among mental health professionals many of whom analysis there is resistance in the media and
49. 06:39 show business where narcissism prevails there is resistance among politicians many of them again again the narcissist
50. 06:46 and therefore there is there is a problem with budgets research budgets and so on which are determined
51. 06:52 ultimately by politicians and so on so forth NASA’s holds the Nazis hold many
52. 06:58 positions of power gnosis is hold the levers of power and they hold the purse strings so it’s it’s an uphill battle to study narcissism against
53. 07:09 well-established constituencies of narcissus in extremely well position
54. 07:16 nexuses yes mr. Trump is an example of a narcissist who made it the more No text successful narcissists are the more they become role models I mean why wouldn’t
55. 07:28 you want to be Donald Trump he has the girl he has the jet he has the presidency he has puppetry he has the
56. 07:35 billions he has why his media exposure give me one good reason not to be known
57. 07:41 from indeed last year the National Academy of Sciences
58. 07:48 science the United States and it’s in its magazine the new scientists new scientists published a cover story
59. 07:54 calling upon parents to teach the children to be narcissus I’m kidding you know because Gnosticism is an adaptation
60. 08:02 as civilization especially Western civilization becomes more more narcissistic as narcissistic values
61. 08:10 behaviors and traits are rewarded the incentives not to be a narcissist declines and the incentive to be a narcissist increases so modern society incentivizes people to to be narcissus
62. 08:27 Gnosticism is a clinical entity so one can have narcissistic behaviors and display narcissistic traits and not be a narcissist but s as more and more people
63. 08:38 behave not statistically as they lack empathy as they become more ruthless and ambitious as they trample upon others as
64. 08:47 they engage in ostentatious consumption as they emphasize materialistic values over spiritual ones that’s all so forth as these for as this phenomena proliferate and take over modern discourse and modern society then
65. 09:05 obviously more and more people especially among the young will tend to regard narcissism as a legitimate form
66. 09:12 of conduct and actually as a currency a social currency and the great adaptation
67. 09:19 and and the horrifying thing is they would be right to think souls have been No text quite a few studies recently by the likes of twinge Campbell and others that
68. 09:31 have demonstrated that narcissism is increasing among college students and so although now 20 M Campbell are reversing their position I wonder why but it seems that Nazism is
69. 09:43 increasing and not only increasing but as I said being legitimized for example
70. 09:50 we recently have studies of so-called high functioning diseases we have
71. 09:56 studies of product narcissus so thus in Gnosticism is being pathological narcissism is being
72. 10:03 attached to very positive adjectives high-functioning productive contributing narcissists and so so are we about to be taken over by narcissus I think yes I
73. 10:14 think we will end up being led by narcissus dictated to by narcissus the
74. 10:21 bottom will be narcissistic materialistic values are already prevalent where they never existed
75. 10:28 before Russia is an example and empathy
76. 10:34 is I think not only on the decline but this B is becoming an extinct commodity
77. 10:41 because it’s not working empathy is not working empathy consumes energy consumes resources to be empathic one needs to invest one needs to reallocate scarce resources and what does one get for that night in the back
78. 10:57 in the best case so empathy loses its appeal is an adaptive strategy it’s all
79. 11:04 about all about survival all about adaptation what about the next generation and in the world is harsh and
80. 11:11 merciless as always as has become empathy is a very bad strategy and
81. 11:18 narcissism is fast becoming an excellent strategy I think we’re putting the cart before the proverbial horse I think No text technology reflects prevailing mores and social developments I think Gnosticism
82. 11:32 was on the rise and technology only caters to this need people wanted
83. 11:38 selfies so they got selfies it’s not that technology made them take selfies but they wanted a technology which would enable them to take selfies which would empower them which would allow them to
84. 11:50 publish text inane and lessening which would let them broadcaster or narrowcast
85. 12:02 but hrus their ego and so on so I think technology is one step behind actually I
86. 12:09 don’t think it creates the social phenomenon I think it reflects them and then of course enhances in them to good
87. 12:15 effect good commercial and profitable effect but who are the people who created the technology have a look have a specific look it for example Steven jobs I mean a prime probably sociopathic
88. 12:29 narcissist so narcissus use technology to it to enhance or amplify the narcissism which in turn allows them to create additional technologies to amplify the Nazism in sorts of all so it’s a it’s a feedback loop technology is not the country is
89. 12:49 not an instrument that in my view at least is not an instrument that alters
90. 12:56 the fundamentals of society but it’s an instrument that kind of cements these
91. 13:03 fundamentals and renders them socially acceptable render some widespread and I
92. 13:11 think social media is exactly has done exactly this I was formally diagnosed twice once in the 80s and once in the
93. 13:18 90s by two psychologists diagnosticians so I’m pretty certain did I have it I
94. 13:26 was not I was never officially diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder which is the closest approximation to
95. 13:33 psychopathy that the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual has though I did
96. 13:41 participate in a documentary about me in my brain that implied that I might have
97. 13:47 psychology well still I have been diagnosed officially with narcissistic
98. 13:53 personality disorder personality disorder the prevailing prevailing
99. 13:59 thinking prevalent that the thinking right now is that it’s the outcome of
100. 14:05 environment rather I mean nurture rather than nature it is supposed to be the the outcome of abuse in early charges there are many forms of abuse abuse is any situation where the child’s emergent boundaries when the
101. 14:20 child’s emergent identity when they’re threatened by the parents or other
102. 14:26 caregivers or even role models or in extreme cases peers so when we say that
103. 14:33 boundaries and emergent identity are threatened that enlarges the scope of
104. 14:40 abuse much more than most people think so if you ask people on the street what is abuse let me say one physical abuse
105. 14:46 sexual abuse and that is all true because physical abuse beating sexual
106. 14:52 abuse do threaten the boundaries of the child and hamper the trans ability to create a coherent functioning identity that’s all very true but also spoiling the child tempering the child placing
107. 15:05 the child on a pedestal treating the child is an extension of the parent forcing the child to fulfill the parents
108. 15:12 the parents frustrated frustrated ambitions and frustrated wishes all these idolizing the trend all these also constitutes a breach of boundaries they
109. 15:24 also constitute an interference gross interference in the child’s forming identity so they are also forms of abuse actually so not cystic personality
110. 15:35 disorder could be the outcome of classical abuse as I mentioned physical sexual verbal psychological emotional but it can also be the outcome of what
111. 15:47 is never considered to be a form of abuse such as idolizing tampering spoiling and so on but which which are
112. 15:54 actually forms of abuse in my case I have been subjected to 16 years of
113. 16:01 life-threatening physical abuse psychological in addition to
114. 16:07 psychological and verbal abuse on a regular basis hundreds of times a day and
115. 16:13 and very critical formative years between the ages of more or less
116. 16:20 four-and-twenty it culminated to the age No text of 16 but it was 16 years of unmitigated uninterrupted extreme life-threatening
117. 16:32 abuse and so this led I believe to the formation of a defense and this defense
118. 16:39 is what we call the false self the false entries the child’s sanctuary and refuge on the one hand and on the other hand it’s the child’s God but the logical Gnosticism is a form of private religion
119. 16:51 where the child sacrifices his true self to on the altar and to God and that God
120. 17:01 or that divinity is the false self the false self is everything that the child is not the child is helpless the false self is omnipotent the child cannot
121. 17:12 predict the future and doesn’t know many things the false self is infallible an initiate the child is hurting and in
122. 17:20 pain owing to the consistent abuse the false self is emotionless invulnerable
123. 17:27 impermeable impenetrable so the false surface everything the child is not and
124. 17:33 they’re therefore if you put all these attributes together the false self is God in effect and pathological not even
125. 17:40 as I said is a private religion because it is a private religion it is so hard
126. 17:46 so difficult to eradicate it calls upon techniques borrowed from from cults on
127. 17:53 debriefing former members of cults because pathological narcissism is a one-member culture and what the analysis
128. 18:00 tries to do is impose his private religion upon other people around him so
129. 18:08 when you live with the narcissist in the family when you work with analysis and so on gnosis tries to convert you to his
130. 18:15 religion he tries to convince you that his false self is not false at all that
131. 18:21 he is indeed brilliant and and omniscient and omnipotent and that
132. 18:27 you should worship that false self that grandiose and inflated for self as he
133. 18:33 does the narcissist needs people around him to tell him that his false self is
134. 18:39 not false but true and that his fantasies are not fantasies but realities because otherwise he will
135. 18:46 disintegrate if one realizes that one has been living a lie one disintegrates so the the narcissist becomes very compulsive and if not
136. 18:59 catered to very aggressive in pursuing what I call a narcissistic supply now
137. 19:05 since its apply this is this fuel that the false self consumes this deluge or
138. 19:12 avalanche of attention admiration modulation applause affirmation during the absence of these being hated and
139. 19:19 being feared but being noticed one where they are all this is needed to sustain the narcissist house of cards this impossible narrative this piece of
140. 19:30 fiction this concoction and confabulation that is actually the narcissist don’t forget that the narcissus dies at the age of five or six there is this frozen true self a baby or
141. 19:44 a child or a toddler crying at the corner in the normal Spain unable to
142. 19:50 reach out isolated and essentially out of growth never growing there is this
143. 19:58 core but this core is tiny and around this core there is an enormous void so
144. 20:04 there is no one there the narcissus does not exist in any sense of the of this
145. 20:10 one there’s not there is a giant void and instead of having an internal mental
146. 20:17 emotional skeleton the narcissus has an exoskeleton he is an external skeleton
147. 20:23 that external skeleton the scaffolding is the for self if it were to be removed
148. 20:30 because there’s only a void left the nurses would vanish it is
149. 20:36 it is absolutely the losses perceives any attack any challenge to his grandiosity any attack on his fantasies
150. 20:42 any intrusion by reality any countervailing statement any disagreement any criticism he perceives them as life-threatening that’s why the
151. 20:54 disproportionate reactions of narcissist that’s why you have narcissistic rage that’s why you have an almost aggression combination in violence very often because the gnosis is fighting for his
152. 21:04 life even with the with the most mild type of comment oh he’s fighting for his life if there’s a crack even the tiniest
153. 21:13 crack it will spread and once it spreads the whole edifice will crumble and gnosis cannot afford it the this way gnosis is to hyper vigilant hyper vigilance means that they scan
154. 21:25 scan their environment all the time am I being challenged am i being insulted am i being humiliated
155. 21:31 humiliated am i being ignored this constant scanning which I describe is
156. 21:37 called everything it is it is a form of empathy because they need to evaluate other people read them correctly predict their behavior and so on but it lacks any emotional resonance or component see
157. 21:49 see it all it wont coalesces it all every psychodynamic a spectrum
158. 21:55 processing the narcissist is geared toward towards supporting this utterly
159. 22:01 implausible improbable and very often comic creation the four sir
160. 22:09 No text not sister concerned narcissists are optimizing devices they are concerned
161. 22:15 with one thing and one thing only and that is not statistics applied they are out looking for attention admiration elation etc etcetera as I’ve mentioned they need this narcissistic supply to support the foundations of the false
162. 22:31 self and so that’s the only thing that concerns them they might very well be described as drug addicts and their drug is not statistics applying someone who is addicted to heroin or is
163. 22:43 not concerned with any not with morality not with ethics not with his work not with his family no
164. 22:50 nothing matters or concerns him his peace preoccupied with obtaining the
165. 22:56 next doors and so so he’s the narcissist so Gnosticism and narcissists are about
166. 23:02 logistics of life now if you can provide the narcissist with narcissistic supply the narcissist will attach to you will
167. 23:09 form attachments and this attachment goes through a cycle and the cycle starts with something called
168. 23:15 idealization so when the narcissus spots another person who can provide him with a who can become a stable reliable predictable source of narcissistic
169. 23:26 supply the knowledge he starts to idealize that person he starts to attribute to that person personal traits and even a personal history which has
170. 23:37 which have very little to do with the person the narcissist needs to idealize the person for two reasons one if the supply comes with an ideal figure it is
171. 23:50 a much higher quality supply so complement that comes from a stupid person is less valuable than a
172. 23:56 complement that comes from a genius so gnosis would tend to think of his sources as geniuses because then the compliments they give him a more more worthwhile they’re more high quality and the second reason to idealize he said
173. 24:09 when the narcissist idealizes he takes a snapshot snapshot of that person and then he internalizes this snapshot and he interacts with this
174. 24:21 natural not with the real person from that moment on there is an internalized object with which the narcissist works
175. 24:30 talks to fights with and so on so forth and that object has very little in
176. 24:36 common with the trigger with the real person who then is relegated to the position of an echo or a trigger or so nurses need to idealize they realize you
177. 24:49 is a source of supply and then as long as you continue to provide supply you will be idealized
178. 24:55 the minute you will cease to be a source of supply by for example disagreeing with the narcissist or criticizing him or even giving him advice which implies that he is not all-knowing or
179. 25:09 obstructing him in any way or resisting him the minute you stop him an ideal
180. 25:15 source of supply the narcissist will devalue you and will think of you exactly the opposite the opposite he had thought of you during the idealization phrase so if during the idealization phase you’re a genius during the devaluation phase you’ve been
181. 25:30 idiot if during the idealization phase he thought of you as very handsome or during the evaluation phase he will
182. 25:37 think of you as repulsive repugnant and ugly and so on and he will not see any
183. 25:43 contradiction between the statements he has made during the idealization phase and the statements is making during the evaluation phase and so this is the typical cycle of end and they consider the focus and the urge and the addiction
184. 25:59 and the drive and everything everything focuses on insisting supply therefore it
185. 26:05 is a myth and it’s completely wrong to believe that novices target specific
186. 26:11 personalities or specific types of people they don’t they target anyone who can give them supply period the people who can get them supply could be educated or not educated rich or poor strong or weak codependent or utterly
187. 26:29 autonomous and independent and the only relevant question is can I derive or
188. 26:35 extract supply from that person therefore gnosis is do not love in any
189. 26:41 sense of the word they get attached to sources of supply the same way that
190. 26:47 hostages get attached to kidnappers and drug addicts get attached to pushers they get attached to the source of pleasure to the source of endorphins to the source of this feeling of wholeness and contentedness
191. 27:02 and grandiosity and fantasy then as long as you provide this drug they are
192. 27:09 touched you and they are even I would say dependent on you as a source and the
193. 27:15 minute you don’t provide the supply pistol so there’s no nothing in any sense of the riddling only 1% of the
194. 27:21 No text general population is believed to be malignant processes and only 5% of the
195. 27:30 population of patients inpatients and outpatients are diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder so but the logical Gnosticism is a very rare
196. 27:42 reaction it’s not a common reaction to abuse indeed in the same family you could have five children and only one of them who become narcissists although all five were exposed to the same kind of
197. 27:53 maltreatment and abuse and debasement and back and so on so it is this gives
198. 28:01 ground to believe that perhaps there is some genetic template or genetic
199. 28:07 predisposition or propensity to develop narcissism otherwise it would be difficult to
200. 28:13 explain why all all children exposed to the same environmental treatment a lot develop Gnosticism moreover children
201. 28:21 essentially have three choices when exposed to abuse they can remain normal by isolating themselves completely from
202. 28:28 the parent and by creating a kind of firewall behind which they continue to evolve and develop healthily
203. 28:34 for example by finding finding alternative figures in their lives which could provide them with empathy love
204. 28:40 caring so you will hear very often such children say well my real mother was my
205. 28:47 grandmother as they found an alternative figure so this is one strategy second strategy is to become narcissistic so the child reacts by developing the false
206. 28:58 self the false self protects and defends the child by fending off pain and by
207. 29:04 rendering the child godlike so there’s another strategy in the third strategy is essentially what is known as the
208. 29:11 Stockholm Syndrome or trauma bond bonding when the child becomes an extension of the parent
209. 29:17 satisfied as a parent caters to the parents needs sometimes acts as the parents parent and so on so forth and
210. 29:25 becomes dependent on the parent for a variety of functions mental and emotional functions and these people
211. 29:32 become codependence much later but the distinction is a bit blurred because narcissists are also codependent for example gnosis is heavily dependent on
212. 29:43 their sources of supply and when they are abandoned by these sources they break down so they have severe
213. 29:49 abandonment anxiety exactly like codependence codependents also have abandonment anxiety and to some extent they are narcissistic they they use
214. 30:01 their own weakness and their own neediness and their own clinginess to
215. 30:07 manipulate they emotionally blackmail and so on so these are narcissistic behavior so the the line between codependent and nos is a bit fuzzy although clearly there are distinct
216. 30:19 clinical entities their image can never be confused still both have elements of
217. 30:25 the other and I think the reason is that the environment was the same the environment that creates these three
218. 30:31 types of solution is the same there is a common misconception about narcissus they tend to be demonized and they tend
219. 30:39 to be thought of as evil na systole are not even you can’t be evil if you don’t
220. 30:46 care about people you can’t be even if you don’t perceive people as full-fledged three-dimensional entities
221. 30:52 but you perceive them as cardboard cutouts or as internal objects or you
222. 30:58 can’t really be evil evil implies intent evil implies premeditation evilly evil
223. 31:04 implies that you care about the responses of your victims these responses gratifying you or like in
224. 31:12 sadism and Sadie say even because pain the pain of the victims gratify them
225. 31:18 gives them pleasure so but Gnosticism a lot of the above Nazis don’t care they are utterly
226. 31:24 indifferent they are more akin to viruses or predators natural predators if they
227. 31:33 abuse because they abuse it’s they don’t seek they don’t derive pleasure from abusing other people they don’t arrive at the satisfaction of gratification
228. 31:45 from the reactions of their victims they don’t pursue evil or malevolent
229. 31:51 strategies because they beat someone because they are they lead to any emotional you know it’s not they simply do what they do it so happens that what
230. 32:03 they do it’s very painful to people around them it so happens that what they
231. 32:09 do can damage people around them compromise their interests affect their health ruin their their psychological
232. 32:18 well-being I mean it so happens but it so happens it’s a byproduct perhaps this is the most horrifying thing about narcissus because you see Psychopaths for example you can understand
233. 32:30 Psychopaths because every one of us is a mini psychopath you can understand Psychopaths they want money they want
234. 32:37 sex they want power only they want it so badly that they will literally kill for
235. 32:44 it so ok they are psychopaths are exaggerated versions of ourselves we can
236. 32:51 some wish we have something in common with Psychopaths we all want money we all want sex we all want power we can understand them
237. 32:58 we think that their methods or you know reprehensible not in socially
238. 33:04 unacceptable but we still understand them but how can you understand the messages no one has anything in common
239. 33:11 with analysis because narcissus would do the same as a psychopath they would Caleb use extort threaten and everything
240. 33:19 but they would do it utterly offhandedly utterly indifferently absolutely like
241. 33:26 like you are not there like you don’t exist at all like you’re a speck of dust that has to be brushed off and I think this is far more terrifying than the
242. 33:37 most terrified Psychopaths because I can understand the most terrifying psychopath he comes here he says I want your money or kill you I
243. 33:43 understand it it’s human Psychopaths a human exaggerated humans not this is not
244. 33:49 human they are not human the lack of empathy is so deep that in
245. 33:56 their their inability to perceive other people as people is so extreme that is
246. 34:05 insane as I keep saying there are different species they are predators in
247. 34:11 the true sense of the word because they consume other people devour them reduce
248. 34:17 them to writing shells off like absent
249. 34:23 mindedly as a some kind of affluence
250. 34:29 some kind of byproduct of an industrial process and that is that is utterly terrified in my view the strategy I recommended 20 years ago was no contact no contact means that you if if I told No text
251. 34:43 you if you can at all then you should immediately sever all relationships all interactions or analysis and just walk
252. 34:50 away if it is at all possible obviously if you have children with the Nazis for example or if you are dependent on the
253. 34:57 Nazis for your livelihood and there is no alternative obviously you have to be in touch with Nazis so no contact is often
254. 35:04 misinterpreted then people say well I can’t go no contact because I have children with him that’s not there’s
255. 35:10 something the meaning of them no contact means that you minimize contact and you
256. 35:16 render or contact impersonal you refuse and reject all personal aspects
257. 35:23 dimensions and hues of any type of interaction with the Nazis so if you
258. 35:31 have to talk to the Nazis you do so via a lawyer or an accountant if you receive gifts you return the man opened if he calls you and begins to talk about your personal life you turn him down if you
259. 35:42 so it’s taking the personal out of the or out of the interaction rendering the interaction over the interface utterly neutral and objective
260. 35:53 that’s the meaning of no contact and of course in other extremists in extreme cases if you can move physically away and never ever see the Gnostics again or talk to him that’s the ideal and people tell me okay but I can’t do this with my mother why why can’t you do this video
261. 36:11 mother I can do this with my with my adult son yes he’s elasticity abuses me my mother
262. 36:17 abuses me my sister agrees but they’re family I can’t do that why these strategies apply to all messages regardless of their biological position in your life or genetic position so but
263. 36:31 but people have these misconceptions that some messages are privileged just
264. 36:37 by virtue of being a mother or a sister or a husband or a child no narcissist is
265. 36:44 privileged if the person is really a narcissist and there’s also an open question because currently everyone
266. 36:50 diagnoses everyone is announces yes but if a person really is a narcissist the only ways to walk away if you want to
267. 36:58 manipulate in our system the only way is to either withhold or provide narcissistic supply it’s very simple
268. 37:04 narcissists are cowards usually so they would be they can be frightened away but again the these
269. 37:18 strategy is not to be in touch and to D personalize all of all interactions if
270. 37:25 you insist on being in touch and remaining on personal terms with the Nazis then your only viable strategies
271. 37:31 is not as via the manipulation of narcissistic supply it’s the only viable strategy there are other strategies for example the strategy called collusion collusion is to collaborate with the
272. 37:45 narcissist in attacking a third party so kind of diverting the Nazis wrath and
273. 37:51 rage and everything towards a third party which you can both together attack or taunting contempt or disdain then there is a strategy of being submissive simply saying yes to everything giving praise
274. 38:04 providing our system supplying regular basis like complements and that’s also another strategy but ultimately it boils down to withholding or providing logistics supply no contact is the best
275. 38:16 No text approach for the victim is the way to win the back of course the majority of narcissists actually do come back and this is a process controvery or reacquisition the one cinemas it’s like
276. 38:30 the Italian mafia of Italian mob once in you’re never out so once you’re in the
277. 38:36 Nazis life once you are on his index rolodex card you’re never out you’re
278. 38:43 always subject to attempts to reacquire you as a source of supply you need to be
279. 38:50 truly not contact go not contact for a long period of time obese seriously aggressive for the Nazis to walk away
280. 38:58 otherwise he will keep attempting to reintroduce you into his life as a
281. 39:04 source of supply it will keep probably and keep testing and then literally no end to this it’s there’s no
282. 39:10 experimentation statute of limitation Nazis have only the cognitive component No text in other words they can think about other people analyze them and immediately spot their vulnerabilities
283. 39:22 the chinks in the armor penetration points and then they leverage this new gained knowledge in order to kind of
284. 39:31 penetrate the target take over brainwash convert into a source of supply and this
285. 39:38 is what I call called empathy emotional empathy cannot be learned it’s acquired
286. 39:44 pretty early on so it cannot be learned however nurses have something that I call emotional resonance tables these
287. 39:52 are gigantic databases and truly gigantic databases now this is accumulate every
288. 39:58 human I mean they observe and accumulate every human behavior every human
289. 40:04 reaction every utterance every statement every twitch of the eye every tear and then
290. 40:11 what they do they collate the correlate and they come up with this huge you set
291. 40:17 of heuristic principles it says if a person cries then and if a person most
292. 40:27 people who Christ say they are said so if a person Christ he said and if I want
293. 40:33 to imitate said I should cry it’s a set of heuristic sentences I believe the
294. 40:40 same thing is done in artificial intelligence and then what they do they imitate the behaviors very convincingly
295. 40:47 and therefore they deceive people and very frequently and make them believe
296. 40:53 that actually behind the facade or impending vulnerability and impunity and so on there is actually a soft core kind of a whipping child that just needs
297. 41:04 hugging just needs love in order to flourish again and grow and took take over this malevolent malicious adult
298. 41:12 which is of course very very untrue it’s just that narcissists are the masters of imitation they’re thespian
299. 41:18 thespian masterpieces and they have this enormous databases and they emulate and
300. 41:25 they copy and the imitate this is one of the most striking examples of memetic
301. 41:32 behavior in nature in my view not this is a paranoid but again their paranoia No text centers around the question will I continue to receive supply exclusively from the source so they could be for
302. 41:44 example romantically jealous and possessive but not for the reasons that most people are they are matically
303. 41:50 judson possessive because their so-called intimate partner is a good source of
304. 41:56 supply so they’ll be very protective of such a resource they could for example love their children but of course it’s
305. 42:03 not love and adore regard the children’s children but they regarding the sources of supply they could be very attached to
306. 42:10 positions such as fleshy car beautiful computer but not for the
307. 42:16 reasons that most people are functional reasons but because these are status symbols signals to signals at large
308. 42:24 grandiosity markers so to speak so everything the narcissus does resembles
309. 42:31 very closely what other people do but the motivation and the psychological background is after the alien if the
310. 42:38 No text victim no longer serves as a source of supply they will not feel anything a relief actually they go through cold
311. 42:47 turkey they go through withdrawal symptoms and they sometimes disintegrate during the withdrawal symptoms because like any drug there are psychological aspects there’s psychological addiction
312. 43:00 is much stronger than physical addiction and so they’re psychologically dependent upon and addicted to their sources like
313. 43:06 once these are withdrawn they go through Kentucky until they find the next dose and the next provided next push a
314. 43:14 narcissist in an offhanded absent-minded way in totally indifferent Psychopaths
315. 43:20 are goal-oriented and when they want the gold when they are aiming at the gold and they cannot reach it or achieve it they would of course obvious people on do it deep connection I know about his
316. 43:32 deep connection narcissism utterly dependent upon an addicted to sources of supply there’s a very deep connection emerges in terms of the instruments that the female narcissus would choose would
317. 43:43 be different to the instruments of the main narcissus so and even that distinction is becoming less and less relevant in today’s world but in the past the female narcissus tended to focus more on the home front
318. 43:55 family and so they would tend to they would tend to drive supply from the offspring more than from their employees
319. 44:03 for example men are more we’re more focused on money power and salt just the
320. 44:10 sources of Gnostic supply sources of gratification were different between men
321. 44:16 and women but not the psychology behind it many of them are charming and intelligent elegance is a tool No text intended to deploy it to obtain not seasick supply intelligence is also
322. 44:28 something that allows the narcissist to hold everything together it is via intelligence that the narcissist creates the piece of fiction that releases the false self so $0.04 requires a lot of creativity a lot of maneuverability a
323. 44:45 lot of initiative a lot of enterpreneur skills a lot of cunning so maintaining
324. 44:53 the Colson the concept requires a lot of emotional and mental resources I think
325. 44:59 only truly intelligent people can maintain the false self in the long run less intelligent narcissus usually
326. 45:06 becomes somatic narcissus and the distinction is the distinction I was the first to make but now is common is between cerebral and somatic cerebral narcissus derived narcissistic supply
327. 45:18 from the exploits and the adventures of their brain so from the by by putting on
328. 45:26 show their intellect their intelligence their intellectual accomplishments and so on they derive supply from that the
329. 45:33 less endowed intellectually narcissus would tend to use the body so they would
330. 45:39 body build or they would have sexual conquests or they would you know and that’s the way they get supply but all
331. 45:46 of them require a modicum of intelligence because it’s very hard work
332. 45:52 to be a narcissus very very hard work it’s like constantly producing a movie
333. 45:58 absolutely it’s you need to put all the actors together you need to allocate resources scarce resources you need to
334. 46:05 make sure that everyone suspends judgment and bit in enters the shred psychosis enters the belief it’s all about the Nazis life is a big movie and
335. 46:16 when you are snausages how do they experience their lives they say that they feel like as though they are actors
336. 46:23 in a movie they feel they feel one step removed they feel very much like members of an audience or at the maximum actors on a stage they saw bits but this
337. 46:35 metaphor of cinema theater is very apt and describes the inner experience the
338. 46:42 the coloring of the narcissus in a landscape and so it’s a lot of work it’s
339. 46:49 every narcissist is a major movie studio major movie studio that cannot be done
340. 46:58 with without some intelligence in a similarly charming charm you need charm in each arm to control people to be your supply sources you need charm to conquer women if your somatic narcissus you know
341. 47:09 your nature so it’s a tool but it’s all fake they
342. 47:15 because when you’re really charming you are charming alone in the bathroom as well but lust is a low key not they take
343. 47:22 they deploy charm it’s not part of them it’s a tool if for
344. 47:28 example being miserable would do the trick they would be miserable and indeed
345. 47:34 you can find countries and societies were victim stunts being miserable being downtrodden being from tyranny is the name of the game that was that’s what
346. 47:45 gets you an artistic supplying suddenly all narcissists are downtrodden and victims and none of them is charming
347. 47:52 internally because that’s what they narcissus would do and be what it takes they have something called a low plastic defenses a low plastic defenses is the No text tendency to blame the world and its denizens for any mishap misfortune wrong
348. 48:09 decision failure etc etc no here is the irony other plastic defenses go together
349. 48:16 with something called external locus of control we differentiate we distinguish between external and internal locus of
350. 48:22 control external locus of control simply means that you believe that your life is ruled from the outside determined from
351. 48:29 the outside and ironically and paradoxically gnosis is actually believed that their
352. 48:36 lives are the term from the outside that is why they tend to blame the outside all the time
353. 48:42 because if you believe that you are the master of your own fate and destiny you will not be able to blame anyone for anything so they have to believe that they are flotsam and jetsam on giant
354. 48:54 waves that are and this also create an inner conflict in the narcissus because gnosis wants to believe also that is God
355. 49:02 or it is God like that is omnipotent all-powerful controls everything and
356. 49:08 everyone is a control freak but he cannot carry to them – he cannot carry
357. 49:14 to the logical conclusion because if he does he won’t be able to blame anyone for anything so he stopped somewhere in the middle
358. 49:20 and says well yes I am all-powerful but actually I’m helpless because other
359. 49:26 people determined my trade and ruined my projects and and discriminate against discriminate against me so there is this
360. 49:33 constant constant fight inside the gnosis in my gold puffle or am i totally helpless and this this is called
361. 49:41 external locus of control not see sister have this because the reality is they
362. 49:48 they are indeed controlled from the outside the false self is alien to the gnosis it’s a it’s a piece of it’s a
363. 49:55 movie it’s a piece of fiction and it suddenly has no characters in a movie took over the movie and I think there
364. 50:04 was the wrong Purple Rose of Cairo but Woody Allen it was a movie like that whether the characters sprang to life
365. 50:10 and took over the movie it’s the same with the Nazis he invented this false self for the folklore as a form of
366. 50:16 protection and then this monster took over a team alive ate him alive consumed
367. 50:23 him and there’s nothing left and the only thing left is the facade so the
368. 50:30 gnosis is feeling that is controlled from the outside is absolutely reflective of the truth and of reality
369. 50:36 is people who know nothing about the subjects cast themselves as experts and the No text
370. 50:43 YouTube channels and they they’ve never heard of any of these disorders until
371. 50:49 they realized there’s a lot of money in divisions so then they became overnight experts and self reputed experts and this creates an enormous confusion what a like personality disorder is a person
372. 51:01 is a dist distinct clinical entity it’s one of the cluster be dramatic personality disorders cluster B comprises four disorders narcissistic antisocial borderline histrionic antisocial personality disorder bears
373. 51:17 close resemblance to psychopathy but it’s not the same less recovery it is a
374. 51:24 kind of a mild form of psychopathy psychopathy is a construct that went out
375. 51:31 of favor about 20 years ago and but it’s still being championed by certain
376. 51:37 professionals such as Robert hare and today is not used in serious literature
377. 51:44 because the coati acquired a lot of media hype and overtones which render it
378. 51:51 useless is a clinical entity so today we use antisocial personality so there’s a
379. 51:57 clinical entity psychopathy though still has its adherents I mentioned Robert
380. 52:04 here but not only breaking up many others still has its adherents and these people claimed that psychopathy is distinct to or from antisocial personalities all because the psychopath is a predator extreme predator and while
381. 52:20 the antisocial person is merely someone who does not accept social mores and
382. 52:27 social conventions and behaves in ways which are socially unacceptable and damaging to other people the psychopath
383. 52:34 in contrast would tend to prey upon people and would tend to be destructive
384. 52:41 violent criminal criminalized and so on I think this distinction is the same we have a similar distinction in narcissism where we make will make a difference
385. 52:53 between narcissist and malignant narcissist so the narcissist would be someone with
386. 53:00 narcissistic traits and behaviors lacks empathy is exploitative and VSS on and the malignant narcissist would be a
387. 53:07 narcissist who is also often be destructive to his environment
388. 53:13 ruthless callous decent Pathak and dangerous so I think antisocial and
389. 53:21 psychopath and psychopathic is the same like narcissism malignant narcissist same kind of distinction sociopath is an
390. 53:28 utterly unprofessional turn it is used by the media and by some scholars who
391. 53:35 don’t know better it simply implies that people with antisocial personality disorder would tend to act against society against laws
392. 53:47 conventions covenants mores and so on we tend to ignore society on dating content
393. 53:54 and disregard and disdain we tend to disparage people who do follow society’s
394. 54:00 edicts and so there’s a sociopath but that’s more of a media creation sometimes diagnosis No text
395. 54:11 the narcissist they as I said children react to abuse by adopting a series of
396. 54:18 strategies so one of them is be to become codependent one of them is to become monogamous to remain healthy and
397. 54:26 so on and the nurses reacts narcistic Xiang reacts by becoming the abuser in
398. 54:34 other words the narcissistic child says better to be an abuser than a victim so I’m choosing to be an abuser the codependent says if I’m a nice enough lick ting I will not be abused and the healthy child says the hell with all these abuses I’m going to find
399. 54:50 alternative caregivers so but the nicest identifies with his abusive parents all
400. 54:58 over there the gnosis actually worships them admires them and tries to emulate
401. 55:04 them throughout his life so the the first warning signs are the same things
402. 55:12 that have been done to the narcissist as a child he does to others when he grows up so one of the first signs is the
403. 55:19 disrespectful boundaries any kind of boundary your time your decisions your
404. 55:26 wishes your priorities your preferences your hopes your fears these are all boundaries of course they define you
405. 55:33 they’re an integral part of your identity gnosis has no respect for any for any of these he will try to impose his agenda
406. 55:39 his priorities his fears his wishes his his hopes he will try to eliminate you
407. 55:45 as a separate individual he will try to subsume you to consume you to digest you and then to spear out properly in and this feeling that you are being taken
408. 55:56 over that you are being reduced that you are beginning to vanish gradually this
409. 56:03 is the first serious warning son the second warning sign is narcissists abhor
410. 56:11 emotions because they are very afraid of emotions narcissus emotions are largely
411. 56:17 negative and very very self-destructive so narcissus adopted strategy of denying
412. 56:23 access to all emotions positive and negative so that way they can survive somehow there’s a volcano there but it’s
413. 56:29 very deep it’s like Pompeii you know so but
414. 56:35 narcissists regard emotions in other people as a form of weakness they hold such people emotional people or people who display emotions or people
415. 56:47 who confess to emotions they regard them with contempt and disdain and they would
416. 56:54 tend to abuse weak people disadvantaged people disabled people the electrons and
417. 57:00 so on they would tend to to recur they would tend to regard any form of weakness is calling for exploitation for
418. 57:09 mistreatment for so that’s the second sign so if you go out with a message for example he would most likely abuse the
419. 57:16 taxi driver the waiter anyone who’s beneath him or below him or anyone who is who would not be able to
420. 57:23 fully react to his abuse he would do it as a matter of course narcissists also
421. 57:32 don’t relate to you to the person opposite them very very soon after any
422. 57:39 conversation or interaction starts it’s clear that the nose is no longer is talking to you but to some kind of image that he had formed of you it’s a very
423. 57:50 eerie feeling it’s like nothing stalking someone behind your back and and this
424. 57:58 someone behind your back is acquiring your existence it’s becoming more and more real while you are becoming less and less real in interacting with the Nazis and it’s really a very unique experience
425. 58:11 another thing is Nazis tend to create unease in people people feel uneasy
426. 58:19 ill-at-ease they feel something wrong they feel that the pieces don’t fit together they feel some this is what I call the uncanny valley in 1970 there was a roboticist Japanese
427. 58:32 roboticist Messiah who more and more said that people react much much worse
428. 58:39 to robots who are fully human to machines androids who are fully human
429. 58:46 the more human they are the closest they imitate a human being the more people react with with fear and
430. 58:56 discomfort which is counterintuitive you would have thought that the more human the robot to demote the easier it would be to but actually it’s been proven that people react so it’s the same with Gnosticism now this is a kind of human-like robot kind of android robot
431. 59:13 and because it’s a very good imitation I mean it’s a super limitation people
432. 59:19 react extremely I mean their discomfort is extreme and the problem is they cut
433. 59:25 put the finger on anything they just divide it you know I don’t know what what came over me I I felt overwhelmed I
434. 59:32 trench repellent I felt frightened so this there’s another sign three nurses his service
435. 59:40 very typical body posture which is the body posture of a visionary or a member
436. 59:47 of some kind of self selected search reputed elite or assistants roof and
437. 59:53 observes he’s above all above the madding crowd is above all this is there
438. 59:59 is a very typical body posture with the chin tilted up and the eyes gazing afar and so on so forth narcissus would seek to be the center of attention and if they fail they become
439. 60:12 grumpy and even aggressive environment so that’s another test if you if you see someone and he tries to but in no crash
440. 60:20 the party or whatever he tries to become the center of attention then fails for some reason and then becomes aggressive or violent insulting
441. 60:26 humiliating shouting cursing what then this analysis actually contrary to
442. 60:32 common opinion it’s extremely easy to spot analysis even on the first date the problem is that people are so lonely
443. 60:39 and they seek they seek to alleviate this intolerable condition of being
444. 60:46 alone people don’t like their own company and so they would settle in
445. 60:52 compromise for energy everyone spots analysis but many people deny that they’ve spotted one because they would they prefer even analysis to being alone and that’s a sad commentary on current day society and so on because
446. 61:08 up to let’s say 50 or 60 years ago people were never really alone even extended families who had support networks even trains you know but today people are atomized
447. 61:19 societies are anomic everything fell apart all social institutions from the family to the community everything fell apart people are so alone they disowned
448. 61:30 the gates to predators like narcissus people sacrifice literally their well-being and sometimes their lives because they can’t tolerate the alternative of yet another solipsistic
449. 61:42 evening with the you know TV dinner
450. 61:51 I think love is often mistaken as a mistaken and thought of as an emotion I
451. 61:58 don’t click I don’t think love is an emotion at all I think love is the label
452. 62:04 slept upon an enormous complex of processes interactions the most
453. 62:13 important of which foster personal growth in the partner so when we take
454. 62:21 apart love we find that the two partners usually too involved in love one do not
455. 62:32 breach each other’s boundaries in other words respect each other as autonomous entities in to engender growth in the
456. 62:41 power even at the risk of losing the power because growth sometimes can take
457. 62:47 partners apart I think these are the two the two key measures I don’t think
458. 62:53 they’re I don’t think it’s uh I think I don’t think it’s in a single emotion I think it’s a component phenomena
459. 62:59 involving numerous emotions by the way because for example it’s very well known has been substantiated many many times
460. 63:05 and recently there was a book published about this topic love is a very close
461. 63:12 relative of hate and hatred exists in massive doses in every so called love
462. 63:18 relationship so I think love incorporates hate incorporates productive energy incorporates fostering
463. 63:26 growth incorporates insecurity it’s I think it’s this it’s a it’s mislabeled
464. 63:32 as a single emotion that’s why I think everyone fails to give a definition I
465. 63:38 think we will be much better observing the effects of love the impact of love rather than trying to decipher it in or reduce it to a single one line
466. 63:54 I cry very often I try to be open but people of course tend to confuse sentimentality and emotions sentimentalities partly culturally
467. 64:05 determined reaction to triggers triggers could be visual textual and it doesn’t
468. 64:12 often reflect any inner state but it reflects it reflects a commiseration
469. 64:18 which is again a social societal reactive pattern hitler was cry cried in
470. 64:26 movies I mean it’s a it proves nothing I cry there is no emotional correlate
471. 64:32 behind the crime it’s a reflexive old
472. 64:40 you