Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Narcissist’s Sex: Competition, Degrading Porn

1. 00:02 Welcome to my Parisian bedroom. A four poster bed, matching drapes and wallpaper, a romantic lighting, and most importantly, mwah. And today we’re going to discuss what else? Sex. Sex. Get your minds out of the gutter and onto the screen. Today we’re going to discuss sex as
2. 00:31 competition sex in the narcissist world and mind. My name is sex sorry my name is Sam Vaknin and I’m the author of malignant self-love narcissism revisited love sex narcissism of course I’m a professor of psychology. Here we go. The narcissist regards sex as a kind of competition.
3. 00:58 Now, that’s nothing new or at the very least nothing surprising. The narcissist perceive sex as a competition against previous lovers against previous partners and competition against his or her own previous records. So, the narcissist competes simultaneously
4. 01:22 against himself. Am I breaking the record? and against other lovers, prior lovers, and the competition is replete with vigorous, ostentatious performance criteria. In the narcissist’s mind, the partner is a kind of umpire or referee and the orgasms of the partner are the
5. 01:48 sexometer. So the more frequent the orgasms, the greater the number of orgasms, the better the performance, the higher higher level is the performance. And the narcissist awards himself points for having exceeded his own prior records having broken um his own prior records
6. 02:12 and for having uh competed well against other lovers, previous lovers or even future lovers. This engenders in the narcissist performance anxiety. Obviously, if you are constantly competing not only against others but against yourself, there is a question of
7. 02:33 whether you can maintain the same level of performance. And this creates anxiety, performance anxiety, but also resentment because in the narcissist’s mind, the the partner is constantly analyzing him, constantly dissecting him, constantly comparing him to others,
8. 02:54 constantly judging him. The narcissist’s grandio omnipotence is being undermined and confronted and that renders the narcissist hypervigilant. In the narcissist’s mind, there is a movie, there’s a narrative, there’s a story unfolding where the partner kind of
9. 03:14 entraps entrapped him and trap the narcissist so as to ridicule and demean and humiliate and shame the narcissist. So the narcissist comes into the sex act with a lot of aggression and we should differentiate between aggression that is the outcome of entitlement.
10. 03:37 You owe me sex. Don’t you find me irresistible. You promise me sex now you have to deliver etc etc. That is aggressive sexuality. And on the other hand, there is aggression that is attached or aggression that is the derivative, the outcome of the narcissist
11. 03:58 counterfactual narrative whereby the partner is putting him to the test. The partner is analyzing him, dissecting him, as I said, comparing him and above all judging him all the time. And why would the partner do that? It must involve some kind of malevolence or malice or
12. 04:20 even conspiratorial undertones. Something is going on here. The partner entraps the narcissist within the sexual act and the environment within which the sex takes place and then she in a way demeanes and derogates and denigrates a narcissist by impugning his performance
13. 04:42 by criticizing his performance. Now the partner doesn’t have to say anything. She doesn’t have to do anything. She obviously has no intention in the majority of cases to humiliate the narcissist or shame the narcissist or compare the narcissist to previous
14. 04:57 lovers. It’s all in the narcissist’s mind. This paranoid ideation, this hypervigilance is is all in the narcissist’s mind. It’s not taking place in reality. The overwhelming vast majority of partners are caring and compassionate and so on. If you end up
15. 05:11 with someone in bed, even in a one night on a one night stand, usually you have some kind of tender feelings or at the minimum sexual attraction. The this whole scenario of the Kafka-esque trial, you know, the process trial, this is all in the narcissist’s mind. The minute the
16. 05:32 narcissist entered the scene or the arena of the sexual act, a bed in most cases, the narcissist competitive mindset shifts into gear and the bed or the scene of the sex is populated with dozens of other men or women competing with the narcissist for his record and
17. 05:55 for his performance. And who has brought these people into the common bed? Who has brought them? Who has introduced them? Who has introduced them into the scene? The narcissist’s sexual partner. Of course, she is the one who has invited the other men in her life to
18. 06:12 compare the narcissist with she is the one who is implying, however subtly, however non-verbbally, however behaviorally, she’s the one who is implying that the narcissist is not up to scratch, not the best lover she ever had, that his performance is lacking and questionable.
19. 06:30 And so even as the sex is unfolding, the narcissist’s mind is replete, crawling with suspicion, paranoia, anger, resentment, sthing rage, and so on. The narcissist sex, the aggression in the narcissist sex is therefore not only the outcome of
20. 06:54 entitlement, but the outcome of a race, the outcome of competition, the outcome of a battle, a life and death battle, survival of the fittests, so to speak, where he is competing with other lovers, past, present, and possibly future. And he’s also competing
21. 07:14 with himself his prior his prior performance. And this renders the sex very mechanistic, very impersonal. The the sex becomes a kind of tallying, a kind of accounting, a kind of how many orgasms did you have and how long did they last and how frequently did you
22. 07:37 have them and and how does it compare to others? It’s it’s very it’s very numbers oriented. It’s uh it’s more mathematics and con contortional physics than true sex which involves as I said a modiccom of tenderness some intimacy. The narcissist sex is actually largely autoerotic.
23. 08:02 The narcissist makes love to himself via the reflecting agency of his partner. The role of the partner is to reflect the narcissist back to himself so that he can make love to the only sex object in his life which is himself. I’ve dealt I’ve dealt and dwelt upon this issue in
24. 08:24 multiple videos. Search the channel for autoerotism. more evolved forms of intercourse involve authentic collaboration towards mutual satisfaction and gratification. But this this type of of sexual encounter eludes the narcissist. It infuriates them, the narcissist. Because
25. 08:48 when the narcissist is confronted with the alternative, warm, engulfing, intimate, loving, tender, caring sex, which is consensual, negotiated, mutually gratifying, collaborative. The narcissist is incapable of all this. Because he’s incapable of all this, it challenges his
26. 09:12 sense of omnipotence of being all powerful, all capable. Here’s one thing he’s not capable of. It reveals the narcissist inadequacy and incompetence and impotent emotional illiteracy and therefore sex for the narcissist constitutes narcissistic injury. Now I
27. 09:33 want you to digest this because it’s both counterintuitive and you know crazy sounds crazy because narcissists are crazy. Sex as far as the narcissist is concerned is usually not only potential but actual narcissistic injury a series of narcissistic injuries because sex
28. 09:55 exposes the narcissist limitations. narcissist inadequacy as I said the narcissist inability to engage appropriately the narcissist lack of performance frankly and no there’s no difference between cerebral and somatic narcissist when it comes to this whereas
29. 10:13 a somatic narcissist places an emphasis on on the conquest on the sexual conquest itself when it comes to the sex having conquered the target when it comes to the sex the sex of the somatic narcissist is no different to the sex of the cerebral narciss narcissist.
30. 10:30 Cerebral narcissist masturbates, avoids other people, is essentially celibate and asexual. And the sex of the cerebral narcissist is therefore 100% autoerotic. The sex of the somatic narcissist is exactly the same. The only difference being that the cerebral narcissist uses
31. 10:48 his own body whereas the somatic narcissist uses uses other people’s bodies. The end result or the end outcome or the end goal is autoerotic mtobatory self-gratification. Healthy sexual relations require give and take, maturity, a reciprocity that negates entitlement.
32. 11:12 Healthy sexual relations are the exact opposite of pathological narcissism. They are the exact opposite of narcissistic love making. They negate the narcissist’s entitlement to special treatment. There’s no special treatment in real good sex. The
33. 11:30 narcissist needs and only his needs should be catered to. That doesn’t make for good sex. And when I say he, I mean half of all narcissists are women and this equally applies to them, of course. So entitlement is the opposite of good sex. When you place an emphasis on your
34. 11:48 needs to the exclusion of the needs of of your partner, the sex can never ever be good. Not even as far as you’re concerned. The partner when the partner is unhappy, ungratified complaining in if she’s assertive, you know, it it um the sex is bad. It kind of demotes the sex.
35. 12:10 And as far as a narcissist is concerned, the partner is in the sex act in order to service them. Service them. The narcissist masturbates with the partner’s body. Often um degrades the partner. Now pay attention when I’m using words like aggression,
36. 12:28 degradation, and so on so forth. Narcissists engage in sexual aggression, but it is always 100% consensual. The narcissist requires the enthusiastic consent of his or her partner because the narcissist needs to feel irresistible. So when people say that narcissist rape
37. 12:51 or that’s complete nonsense they’re talking about psychopaths. Narcissists need to feel that they have conquered the target that the target is enthusiastically submissive and begging for sex. So there is consensus there. It’s consensual. However, the consensus revolves around
38. 13:14 the degradation of the partners. So narcissists would tend to gravitate towards partner partners who are sadocistic, submissive, kinky, and open to unusual uh non-conventional types of sex such as swinging and and threesomes and so on. But even though there is consensus, the
39. 13:36 sex revolves around hurting the partner. Not physically in most cases, but a show a show of ostentatious humiliation of the partner and masturbation, objectification of the partner, masturbation with the partner’s body. The partner is rendered some kind of sex
40. 13:54 doll, sex slave or sex pet with her enthusiastic consent. I repeat, it’s still the consent here is not the main issue. The main issue is the asymmetry between the narcissist view of sex and the view of sex of most other people. The narcissist regards sex as a form of masturbation.
41. 14:20 But at the same time, he regards sex as an entitled thing. he’s entitled to it. And a competitive thing, a way to reestablish or reaffirm the grandio, fantastic, inflated self-concept of the narcissist. Narcissist engage in anything and everything. Every
42. 14:41 everything they do has to do with the self-concept, with a false self. Everything they do, everything they do is about external regulation, narcissistic supply, the fantastic false self and so on so forth. Sex is no exception. When they are in bed, they’re
43. 15:00 competing. They’re competing with themselves and they’re competing with others who are not there, who are invisible except in spirit and they’re competing all the time and you are just the instrument of tallying the points and you are just a murbatory aid and you
44. 15:17 are just there as an object to be exploited, degraded, humiliated um and so on so forth. And the narcissist is never happy and never content and never gratified because he suspects you. He suspects that deep inside you’re judging him. You are criticizing him. You’re demeaning him.
45. 15:38 That it’s projection. Of course, he he suspects that you’re doing to him in your mind what he’s doing to you in your body. And the end result of all this is vile. Sex with a narcissist is vile. It leaves a bad taste. It’s a really really gritty and gruesome memory.
46. 15:58 And while narcissists do not engage in sexual coercion or or sexual violence or sexual assault, they don’t. But they still reduce you somehow as a partner. Partner still feels diminished somehow, dirty, dirtied, soiled somehow.
47. 16:22 And uh the sex with the narcissist is degrading not in the gratifying mazoistic sense. There are many people who are mazoist and submissive. Not it’s not even kinky to the fullest. It’s as if the narcissist is not there at all. As if the narcissist is focused on himself, on
48. 16:43 his performance, on his acts, on his gratification, on his and you just happen to be there. kind of mirror, kind of a sex toy, something to be used and then discarded uh when the act is over. And it’s clear the narcissist is self-directed, autoerotic, focused 100% on himself to
49. 17:08 the exclusion of all others. Sex to the narcissist is a soypistic act. Total immersion in his fantasy world and total renunciation of reality and you in it.