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1. 00:00 Why people end up adopting meanings for example in religion? You know you adopt a meaning in religion. You can argue if religion is purile or whatever but definitely people who believe people who have faith they have a sense of meaning. So sometimes
2. 00:17 meaning requires delusion or fantasy and that is exactly the narcissist weapon. The narcissist weaponizes fantasy. He gives you the impression that the fantasy will give you meaning because we use fantasy, healthy people, normal people, we use narratives,
3. 00:40 we use stories, we use fantasies to create meaning. So the narcissist comes to you and says here’s a fantasy here’s a narrative here’s use this to create meaning and forget all the other meanings and your ability to create meaning outside your shared fantasy is eradicated.
4. 01:04 This is we’ll talk about this tomorrow. This is the shared fantasy which is mindboggling. Number five you gain no credit with people. Remember these are the sentences that the narcissist kind of poisons your mind with it. It’s the he destroys he
5. 01:22 destroys you see why I cannot use the he destroys your your internal assumptions about the world. It destroys everything you’ve believed about the world about yourself in the world your place in the world other people. It destroys all this. So one of the things it convinces
6. 01:36 you is that you gain no credit with people. When you behave well it’s it’s meaningless. It means nothing. You’re a sucker. your pathy. Even when you do behave well, this credit is forgotten and ignored. People hate to feel indebted. If you help people, they hate
7. 01:53 you. If you give if you give gifts to people, they hate you because they they hate to be the recipients and so on so forth. He convinces you of that. Number six, reality, he says to you, is not a shared experience. It’s not a shared experience. Each person
8. 02:13 is to his own or her. Each one of us is on her own or on his own. We are all socyistic. We’re all floating in space, totally isolated. The narcissist destroys what we call the intersubjective space. The interubjective space is the the imaginary space or metaphorical space
9. 02:37 where the minds meet. minds of people meet when I’m talking to you between us there is an imaginary intersubjective space I’m talking to you your brain absorbs what I’m saying hopefully to some extent I’m able to convey the same meanings and so on so what the
10. 02:56 narcissist does he destroys the interubjective space by isolating you physically he isolates you from your friends from your family from your social network he isolates and I but then He begins to isolate you psychologically by isolating you, destroying the
11. 03:14 interubjective space. He then gains control over you. You’re infibbled. You’re weakened. You’re vulnerable. You’re susceptible. And he takes over you because now there is no bridge left. He burns the interubjective bridge and you’re all alone.
12. 03:33 Most existentially alone that you have ever felt in your life. And what do you do when you’re existentially alone and there’s someone next to you? You reach out. You lurch. You you cling, you know, because there’s nothing more terrifying than being truly
13. 03:52 totally utterly cosmically existentially alone. So the narcissist is there and he becomes your life raft. It’s like a Titanic. You know, Titanic has sunk. He becomes your life raft. Okay. Number seven, he tells you being alone is often way better and
14. 04:17 safer than being together with other people except me. So he says don’t be with other people. It’s not safe. It’s not good also. It’s a bad experience. You can be with me but otherwise isolate yourself because being alone is preferable to this. There are
15. 04:34 great philosophers of loneliness. Narcissists uh narcissism as a philosophy is the philosophy of soypism. It’s a philosophy of loneliness. The narcissist says I am the only subject in the world. The only subjective experience is mine. I’m the only mind. There’s no other
16. 04:55 mind. I’m the only mind. Everyone around me it becomes converted into elements in my mind into an internal object into a figment. I’m going to snapshot you going to take a snapshot of you and the snapshot is a reality. So it is my mind that includes
17. 05:17 everything. Now just to take a break um in psychosis we have a clinical feature of psychosis known as hyper reflexivity. Hyperreflexivity is when the psy the mind of the psychotic expands outward like a a supernova expands outward and consumes the world. That’s why the
18. 05:46 psychotic cannot tell the difference between internal objects and external objects. The psychotic, the person with psychotic disorder, the person with psychosis like schizophrenia. Schizophrenia is one type of psychotic disorder. There are others. So this kind
19. 06:04 of person, he has a voice in his mind. There’s a voice in his mind. Uh the psychotic believes that the voice is coming from there. So he confuses an internal object, the voice, with an external object. He has an image in his mind. It’s an image of a of a wrathful terrifying god.
20. 06:31 He thinks the god is there about to kill him and consume him. And he insists that it’s there. There’s a confusion between internal and external. Same happens in narcissism. In psychosis, hyperreflexivity is the confusion of internal objects with external objects. In narcissism,
21. 06:53 it’s the confusion of external objects with internal objects. Whereas a psychotic would say, “This image is not in my mind. It’s there.” The narcissist would say, “This image is not there. It’s in my mind.” It’s mirror image of classical psychosis. So he tries to convince you
22. 07:16 to believe the same. He tells you you should be alone. You should be lonely because I’m the only real thing. I’m the only real thing. If you want to stick to reality, stick with me. The next sentence is, “No one deserves love.” No one deserves love. And few, if any, are lovable.
23. 07:39 He takes away your lovability. He convinces you actually that he’s the only one capable of loving you. That you’re in principle not lovable. What he does, he creates in you what we call internalized bed object. Again, because he has an internalized bed object. You
24. 07:59 remember the narcissist uses you to reflect himself, to experience himself. Narcissist experiences himself, his absent self through you. I’m going to repeat this sentence because I like the sound of my voice. Narcissist Narcissist experience their absent self through you.
25. 08:26 Every dynamic inside the narcissist is thrown projected onto you and you own it. And this process is known as projective identification. So one of these dynamics is lovability. The narcissist has an internalized bed objects. It’s a group of voices, a cluster of introjects of
26. 08:49 voices and the voices say you are ugly. You are stupid. You’re unworthy. You can never be loved. You’re not lovable. This is the internalized bad object of the narcissist. And he wants you to experience this internal bad object. He wants to experience himself
27. 09:09 through you. So he gives you this bad object. He hands over his toxicity. Remember how I started? He hands over the toxicity. He hands you this bad object and you begin to believe that you are not lovable. And we are talking now not on on in the
28. 09:25 love bombing phase. We’re talking about the shared fantasy after the love bomb. Love bombing is like baiting you. Love bombing is to bait you. Once you’re inducted into the shed fantasy, the daytoday life, the grind of the shed fantasy. At that point
29. 09:40 leading to devaluation, the narcissist in a narcissist infects you, contaminates you with a bad internalized object. By the way, the clinical term in the 30s stretchy was not bad internalized object. It was amazingly primitive super ego. It’s interesting. It’s another topic for
30. 10:01 another lecture. Okay. Nine. You cannot trust yourself. You cannot trust your judgment. You cannot trust your reality testing. And you cannot trust your self-love. This is gaslighting. But the narcissist doesn’t do it intentionally. He doesn’t say, “Okay,
31. 10:20 stage nine. I’m stage nine today. I am going to gaslight her.” It it emanates. It’s an emanation, you know. It’s like an apparition. It’s it’s like myasma. It comes out. The narcissist exudes narcissism. The narcissist does not impose narcissism. The narcissist does not leverage
32. 10:44 narcissism. The narcissism doesn’t weaponize narcissism. That is a psychopath. Psychopaths do this. The narcissist exudes narcissism. It’s like ambient atmospheric and you’re captured in this myasma. You’re breathing the toxic gases. That’s that’s more or less the experience.
33. 11:06 And finally, if I find the page, finally then remember these are sentences that the narcissist inculcates in you. Narcissist embeds these sentences in you. Tomorrow we’ll go deeper. Number 10. There is always a way. There’s always a way to commit wrong and evil
34. 11:28 deeds because such actions are goal oriented. Regret, remorse, guilt, shame, empathy, and conscience are contemptable weaknesses and vulnerabilities. This particular indoctrination, this particular element of brainwashing is more typical of what
35. 11:49 we call malignant narcissists. Malignant narcissist is a narcissist who is also a psychopath and also a sadist. So he’s diagnosed a clinical narcissist, clinical psychopath, not like dark personality. It’s not a dark personality because we have a dark tetrd. Dark
36. 12:08 tetred personality is subclinical narcissist, subclinical psychopath, sadist and machavelian. I’m not talking about this. A malignant narcissist first described by Otto Kberg is a narcissist who is clinically a psychopath is also clinically a sadist.
37. 12:28 And this kind of narcissist is likely to use this last sentence that I mentioned.
38. 12:38 I apologize but each lecture would be three hours. You know that. Okay. Yeah, I’m going to now I’m going now to mention six pitfalls, six errors, six mistakes that victims make. And then I’m going to read to you a section from the DSM and I’m going to say goodbye. Okay,
39. 12:58 here are the mistakes. Number one, victims engage in what we call a morality play. In the medieval ages, middle ages, there was a type of theater that was called the morality