Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video.

1. 00:02 it may come as a shock to you but the narcissist doesn't see you the way you see yourself The narcissist doesn't see himself the way you see him And frankly it's doubtful whether the narcissist sees anyone at all My name is Sambakn I'm the smiling
2. 00:27 blue professor of psychology and the author of the inesteemable malignant self-love narcissism revisited the Bible of the field and the book that coined the phrase narcissistic abuse Today we're going to discuss the narcissist point of view How he
3. 00:49 perceives you and the relationship Are you truly a significant other or maybe just an insignificant other are you an intimate partner is there intimacy and is there partnership in the relationship with the narcissist but most importantly what does he think about you secretly in
4. 01:10 the inner recesses of his undisclosed mind the occult areas of his demented soul i know you like this You like to think that narcissists are possessed by demons They're not possessed by demons They are demons I'm kidding I'm just kidding Narcissists are flawed human
5. 01:31 beings with lacking equipment Nothing more nothing less Terrified traumatized kids who throw temper tantrums and can't perceive other people as separate from them And so let's delve straight in straight in When the narcissist sees you for the
6. 01:52 first time he takes a snapshot of you He internalizes a snapshot and he continues to interact with the snapshot Blah blah blah You know this from previous videos He also photoshops the snapshot a process known as idealization By idealizing you he can idealize himself
7. 02:09 If you are perfect and he is in possession of a perfect object you then he is perfect or maybe even uber perfect more perfect than even you But then gradually life intervenes Reality intrudes You begin to deviate and diverge from the idealized snapshot
8. 02:29 which pisses the narcissist off And then he begins to change the way he sees you the external object Mind you the internal object the introject your representation in the narcissist's mind the snapshot the avatar that doesn't change until very late in the
9. 02:46 relationship But the way he perceives you begins to change He cannot he cannot really accept you as separate from him You are an extension You're an organ But it's like someone with a chronic illness who is very angry at his heart or his liver or his lungs because they give him
10. 03:08 trouble So when you get when you get chronically ill in with your your kidneys for example you may develop a hate love relationship with your kidneys You may resent your kidneys for giving you a tough time Same it's the same thing That's how the narcissist sees you
11. 03:24 Another arm another leg if you're extremely lucky another heart The narcissist first of all is likely to convince himself that he had judged you correctly when you have met He needs to preserve his grandiosity The narcissist never make makes mistakes The narcissist is
12. 03:46 never wrong The narcissist is infallible It's inconceivable that he has misjudged you for example So he's telling him he tells himself I judged her correctly and appropriately when I met her My perception of her was right My judgment of people is intact Nothing's wrong with
13. 04:04 me She has changed She has changed Why has she changed well I don't know The influence of bad friends her family is poisoning her against me Um circumstances she is mentally ill or she is physically uh ill The medication she's taking um exposure to leftwing
14. 04:26 radical ideas in in college what have you Whatever the reason may be uh the narcissist convinces himself that you are being transformed that you're in the process of metamorphosizing into another another person And so the gap between the snapshot and you in reality the gap
15. 04:51 between your introject your the internal object that stands in for you in the narcissist mind and you this gap grows not only because of what you are doing This abyss opens up also because of the internal narrative of the narcissist And this narrative is about
16. 05:14 how you are changing for the worse Narcissists are paranoid They have per secondary delusions They regard the world as a hostile place out to get them as Donald Trump The second uh process that happens with the narcissist his point of view is that you constantly blame shift He
17. 05:34 thinks you're guilty He thinks you've done something wrong He thinks he is immaculate and innocuous and innocent You keep blaming him for things You keep assigning to him responsibility and guilt and accountability And he resents this He thinks you're manipulating him
18. 05:54 He thinks you're playing with his mind He thinks that's a power play and a mind game that you are that you have embarked on He is bewildered He's disoriented You are his mother you're a mother figure Why are you doing this to him and so whenever you disagree with a narcissist
19. 06:15 or criticize something or suggest something or prefer or suggest give advice the narcissist or or or even offer help The narcissist perceives perceives this as shifting the blame counterfactually The facts are in the narcissist's mind that he is blameless that he is
20. 06:40 guiltless that he doesn't deserve any and that what you're doing borders on malice Mind you everything the narcissist thinks about you everything he says about you may be true Even narcissists get it right from time to time And because it may be true
21. 06:59 even in principle it provokes in you profound self-doubt You begin to ask yourself maybe he's right Maybe he has a point Maybe I'm the narcissist Maybe I'm misbehaving Maybe I'm too honorous ordinary tough harsh strict Maybe I should change my ways And this is how the
22. 07:23 narcissist molds you makes you malleable and mutable The narcissist presents himself at all times as a victim a victim of his superior is a victim of the state a victim of circumstances is he was born in the wrong period in history is and and you're of course swept in this
23. 07:45 tsunami wave of self-imputed victimhood Today it's known as tiv It's a new personality construct And so the narcissist cast himself as the as a victim And he does this because it affords him the high moral ground and it's a tool of manipulation It's also an
24. 08:07 integral part of his confabulation He re rewrites his history He recomposes his narrative in a way that casts him in the good in a good light and all others in a bad light He's the angel All the others are demons He has always been right They
25. 08:26 have always been wrong He deserved much more They got it He has been discriminated against underappreciated and generally mistreated That's the victim stance And he sees you as a victimizer He sees you as an abuser which makes communication with the narcissist very
26. 08:47 difficult because you don't have common ground and you don't have a common language Even your most innocuous acts even things you do which are unrelated to the narcissist are going to be are going to be fitted into the victimhood narrative The
27. 09:05 narcissist is going to hypervigilantly monitor you supervise you spy on you follow you around in order to gather incriminating evidence Everything you say and everything you do can and will be used against you in the narcissist court You have been warned Miranda And
28. 09:29 so this is the I am the victim thing and you are my abuser And he he also thinks that you guilt trip him He thinks that you are an emotional blackmailer that you actually sacrifice in order to leverage your sacrifice to make him behave in specific ways He
29. 09:56 thinks that you love him because you want something from him It's not real love It's conditional love It's manipulative love if it is love at all He thinks you make him feel guilty because by making him feel guilty you can modify his behaviors and you you're
30. 10:16 goal oriented In his eyes you're very very close to a psychopath And that is regardless of how empathic you are how caring how compassionate and how loving Don't think you can by caring for the narcissist and by sharing with the narcissist you can
31. 10:31 somehow change his mindset or state of mind You can't because it's not about you It's about an internal world populated with avatars a paracosm an alternative reality where the narcissist writes scripts for movies He's a movie director an actor and
32. 10:52 you're just an actress or a prop on his theater play stage So it's not about you Still the narcissist perceives himself as a victim who is being emotionally manipulated and blackmailed via guilt tripping He accuses you when you when you disagree with it with this
33. 11:13 assessment of of you He accuses you of being um of lacking self-awareness You have no introspection He tells you you can't see yourself really You don't look at yourself in the mirror You are totally unaware of yourself You have no self-awareness You really need to get to
34. 11:32 grips with who you are You really need to accept how flawed and wrong and sometimes malevolent you are He is trying to convince you that there's in you a grain of evil Mini all those of you who miss her here she is always by my side and on my lips
35. 11:58 So he tells you you're not self-aware He also accuses you of being self-destructive of being hateful You want to drag me down with you He tells you your habits are self-defeating I'm not going to succumb to this I'm soaring into the stratosphere I'm bigger than
36. 12:17 this I'm cosmically significant I am divine I'm godlike you're not going to drag me to the level of a common human In extreme cases the narcissist may deny you sex and become celibate because by denying you sex he transcends the foibless and the weaknesses of the human
37. 12:38 species He becomes uber mench He becomes a superman So it's important for him to sustain his grandiosity by casting you not only as an abuser but as a toxic influence Someone who creates an ambiance and environment that reduces the narcissist to the lowest common
38. 13:03 denominator narcissist is not human is the next stage in evolution and you're trying to transform him or transmute him or transubstantiate him back into human You're trying to devolve him not evolve him and he is not going to let you he's not going to let you contaminate him and
39. 13:26 infect him with your lowgrade humanity
40. 13:32 The fact that you can't appreciate the narcissist's um amazing exceptionalism the fact that you underestimate um his rarity his suiis the fact that you can't absorb or or or worship him as the god that he is that just proves that you are disloyal You're disloyal There is this
41. 14:00 cult There's this narrative that you belong to and you are betraying it There's a sense of betrayal a bit traumatic The narcissist has been betrayed as a child by his mother And here comes Ripley a reenactment of his early childhood betrayal Actually he
42. 14:20 pushes you to betray him And then when you look for alternatives he blames you for it You're out to get me He tells you "You are just after my money You lie to me You deceive me and you cheat on me with others You You entrapp me I could have I could have I could have been much
43. 14:42 further in my career in my life I could have been much more accomplished but because of you I'm stuck here Because of you I can't self-actualize and realize my potential You're a bad influence of me You're a trap You know in in um medieval times they had this vagina dentata
44. 15:08 um vagina with with teeth Women were considered to be predators actually throughout the majority of human history Not men Women were considered predators The Venus trap Venus trap Yeah So he has this misogyny He has this deeply embedded hatred of women And by
45. 15:29 the way everything I'm saying just flip the genders flip the gender pronouns and it still it still works So if it's a woman a female narcissist a woman narcissist she hates men she's a misandress So the choice of gender pronouns in this presentation is
46. 15:47 arbitrary You can easily flip between the genders It's equally equally accurate with men and women because there are no men and women left today Women are just men with vaginas So he accuses you of of trapping him He accuses you of an elaborate scheme to
47. 16:07 shackle him imprison him prevent him from realizing his huge potential and from self-actualizing It's like Samson and Delilah You cut his locks hair locks You never mean what you say He tells you you are you are very devious Um you double speak It's
48. 16:31 difficult to to tell the truth I can't really make up what it is that you're after I don't understand your direction and goals You are not mysterious You are more like devious You're more like cunning You're more like scheming Again this view of you as
49. 16:52 a psychopath or a psychopath in the making he blames you for gaslighting him He tells you you are distorting reality and you are impacting my ability to judge reality properly you you create an um hallucinatory nightmarish world where I'm totally disoriented dislocated derealized
50. 17:18 depersonalized and amnesiac It's your effect or your impact on me that make me lose makes me lose my reality testing When I'm with you I feel totally um flat totally empty
51. 17:37 sometimes as if I'm dead or unreal And so I need to get away from you because you create this alternative reality for me You force me into it And I know it's a lie I know it's not true I know the world is not like this I know I am not like this Everything you're
52. 17:55 telling me about yourself is intended to deconstruct me and reconstruct me in your image He's projecting Of course this is projection That's precisely what he's doing to you And he says to you you hate me while I love you self-sacrificially I do everything for
53. 18:18 you I did everything for you I changed my life for you You were the center of my world You were my world And look how you're treating me now Why do you hate me having loved you So so in his mind he's casting you as a persary object You're becoming gradually the enemy
54. 18:40 Number one two and three He needs you to become the enemy because he needs to discard you because he needs to separate from the from his original mother via you the substitute mother I've explained this in previous videos Watch my um interview with Richard Grenham about the
55. 18:59 fantasy lives of narcissists and border lines So he he is caught in these convoluted dynamics where on the one hand you're you're the mother figure and on the other hand he needs to hate you and discard you in order to separate from the mother figure and finally become an adult
56. 19:20 individual On the one hand it's very promising and very alluring and so devaluing and discarding you is an irresistible proposition On the other hand it's very terrifying to abandon mother or to be abandoned by her He needs a secure base a sense of safety So
57. 19:39 he keeps coming back and forth And that is the narcissist approach avoidance hot and cold intermittent reinforcement Finally he accuses you of humiliating him shaming him especially in front of peers mortifying him He begins to truly hate you begins to truly hate you and plot plot
58. 20:00 revenge In many cases that is at the stage where you should bail out because he's no longer with us He has lost touch with reality He's immersed in his internal murky dynamics There's nothing further you can do for him He is gone He is gone far away where you could never reach
59. 20:30 Okay baby seal and multiple panim My name is San Baknin I'm the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited And yes I am a professor of psychology in SEAPS center for international advance and professional studies the outreach program of the CAS
60. 20:51 consortium of universities A few weeks ago I made a video about how the narcissist sees you Today I'm going to tell you how the borderline sees you her intimate partner It's going to be a tough ride Very triggering Mind you make frequent stops drink water think positive
61. 21:18 thoughts The borderline is a harrowing experience Living with a borderline let alone loving a borderline is a suicidal mission But it's intense It's colorful It makes you feel alive like nothing else You had been warned babysim and shaveim Look it
62. 21:46 up Okay So there's a borderline in your life and you are her intimate partner Yes Yes Yes Before I get an avalanche of sanctimonious self-righteous comments 50% of all borderline personality disorder diagnosis are handed out to men I propose a new diagnosis covert
63. 22:08 borderline which better suits men Because while the emphasis with borderline women is about emotionality and sexuality the emphasis in borderline men is more about grandio power and similar things Borderline men resemble much more narcissist than borderline
64. 22:26 women That's why I'm proposing to break the two apart and to have an emotional dysregulation disorder assigned to women with secondary psychopathy as a self- state and covert borderline which is a combination of borderline and narcissism assigned to men Okay So every gender
65. 22:46 pronoun here is interchangeable I'm going to use she I'm going to use a female figure female protagonist in this narrative because hitherto which is a fancy word for until now uh most BPD diagnosis uh were handed down to women Women were diagnosed mostly with BPD
66. 23:09 Okay enough with this gender nonsense Let's get to the point How does a borderline see you her intimate partner and so as you well know by now there are two stages in borderline And these two stages in the borderline's behavior correspond to her two
67. 23:31 anxieties Abandonment anxiety The clinical term is separation insecurity and engulfment anxiety The borderline's point of view is the outcome of her internal dynamics especially the compulsive need to approach you and then avoid you I hate you Don't let me go I love you I want
68. 23:56 you dead I I detest you Don't ever leave me These conflicting messages these mixed signals render the life of the intimate partner of the borderline a mayhem Totally chaotic utterly unpredictable a roller coaster of emotions reactions and pain Pain
69. 24:24 permeates every interaction with a borderline Pain coupled with exhilaration coupled with pain coupled with exhilaration The ups and downs of the borderline infect the partner They are
70. 24:42 contagious In the approach phase this is how the borderline sees you You're my world You're my life And she means it She means outside of you apart from you there's nothing There's no one She kind of minimizes herself and projects herself onto you and into you She
71. 25:10 renders herself the equivalent of an introject She wants you to subsume her She wants you to consume her This is not exactly merger and fusion which are common in codependency This is much more than that This is identification and introjection It's an infantile process
72. 25:30 The borderline is intensely childlike which provokes in you paternal or parental reactions The borderline parentifies you You're my world and you're my life because I don't know any better Because I don't have any other access because you are the ve vector through which I exist
73. 25:57 detequated fringe The borderline sees you as a savior She forced on you the role of a rescuer You will save me from myself She says I'm horrible I'm intolerable I'm poison I ruin everything for myself and for others And you are going to change all this You're going to save me from
74. 26:23 myself You're going to save me from others And you're going to save others from me You're going to be the buffer the firewall between me and my pernitious radioactive impact on the world around me Everything the borderline tells you everything is
75. 26:42 meaningless without you Your existence as my intimate partner imbuss the world events other people interactions with sense You my intimate partner you make sense of reality for me You are my reality testing The borderline is likely to often ask you do
76. 27:05 you think the same is it true because you are the yard stick of her universe You are her reality You are a stable rock guaranteed presence permanence constancy determinacy When you are there in her life the borderline feels utterly oceanic safe You are in other words a secure
77. 27:40 base Again these are infantile childhood
78. 27:47 dynamics But you have other roles in the borderline's life during the approach phase Don't ever mix your
79. 27:59 drinks You stabilize the borderline moods She has ups and downs It's known as mood liability She's depressive and she's a bit manic which is the reason why many diagnosticians confuse and conflate borderline personality disorder with bipolar disorder Wrong Of course
80. 28:20 the first is a personality disorder The second the latter is a mood disorder But people with borderline personality disorder cycle all the time And this rapid cycling of moods effects cognitions decisions choices values behaviors reactions This render the borderline
81. 28:49 identityless This is called identity disturbance It's as if she has no core no kernel no stable um atom inside her which kind of kind of uh oscillates and determines her time The borderline is a river in flux an ephemeral cloud and it is the role of the intimate partner You to
82. 29:22 stabilize says the borderline to stabilize my moods You should regulate your emotions because with you I feel safe and with you I feel whole I feel completed Without you I'm partial Without you I am almost dead Parts of me decay and decompose and fall apart and
83. 29:48 disintegrate Without you you are the vital You are the animating force within me says the borderline When you are with me committed to me monopolized by me 100% mine possessed by me owned by me inside me in every way sexual and otherwise you are me But you are a better me You're a
84. 30:18 stronger me You're more stable me And so I can merge with you thus improving my functionality allowing me to cope to survive to somehow go through life because I don't like life I hate life and I hate who I am in life I need you to live another life for me
85. 30:45 vicariously by proxy and I will give my life for you I will sacrifice myself Self-sacrificial It's the same with the narcissist by the way He sacrifices his true self for a false self The borderline also has a false self But her false self merges with the intimate
86. 31:07 partner process known as external regulation So gradually you are sucked into the vortex of the borderline You begin to feel responsible for her moods her emotions even her cognitions She pretends to be dependent on you all the time fostering dependency in you You
87. 31:32 are becoming codependent on the borderline because she can't live without you She can survive without you You feel responsible She's very childlike She's very vulnerable She cries Her beautiful eyes tear up anytime you threaten to leave or to go And you just can't take it
88. 31:54 She pushes all your buttons She leverages your softness and your empathy All your need to be needed or your grandiosity The borderline is adept at finding finding all the chinks in your armor and then invading you and penetrating you like no other The
89. 32:17 borderline says "I'm bad I'm evil I'm unworthy I'm poisonous I'm a bad object But with you my intimate partner I feel good I feel worthy because you accept me as I am Because you love me as I am Because you see me like no other And because you enable and empower every part of me
90. 32:42 every hue and every frequency in my spectrum I come I become more through you I self-actualize through your agency Borderline borrows your agency in order to become more self-efficacious But in the process she renders you less agentic And this is merely the approach
91. 33:08 side Now we are heading into the real tumount the avoidance
92. 33:20 You can't win with a borderline You love her You're intimate with her You lose her You're cold and detached and neutral and therapeutic and aloof you lose her You try to help her too much give her advice direct her you lose her You ignore her You let her live her own life
93. 33:48 you lose her It's a lose-lose proposition or a lose- win proposition in some cases but usually a lose-lose proposition There's no winning strategy with a borderline And some people are addicted to the ride to the drama to the roller coaster They don't care about the
94. 34:08 borderline They they want they want to experience the borderline dysregulation vicariously They love the ups and downs They adore waking up in the morning not knowing what the day will bring Borderline guarantees this serendipity this unpredictability this inconstancy
95. 34:34 impermanence and indeterminacy The borderline is a bag full of surprises a neverending adventure a risk a novelty a danger lurking in your own bed How is this resistable it's not It's not even for healthy people So approach is always followed by
96. 34:57 avoidance regardless of your behavior behavioral choices and regardless of your strategies with the borderline approach and avoidance repetition compulsion in the borderline is as the name implies a compulsion It's out of the borderline's control and it is not mitigated or
97. 35:20 affected by any external factors or parameters Some stage the borderline says I'm overwhelmed by pain You are hurting me owing to your rejection and abandonment And yet the borderline tends to interpret almost everything is a rejection Almost any behavior is a form
98. 35:44 of abandonment You are too long on the phone with a business associate You're abandoning and rejecting Go on a business trip You're abandoning and rejecting You have your own set of friends You're abandoning and rejecting You cast a glance at a beautiful woman
99. 36:00 in a restaurant You're abandoning and rejecting You refuse to countenance and accept the borderline's egregious misconduct and bad behavior You're abandoning and rejecting You disagree with the borderline more than once You're abandoning and rejecting
100. 36:19 Everything is abandonment and rejection in the borderline's eyes And she often projects abandonment and rejection onto you It is she who wants to abandon and reject you And she projects it onto you She anticipates abandonment and rejection After all she is a bad
101. 36:39 object She's unworthy She's corrupt She's unlovable She's inadequate Why would you not abandon and reject her it's inevitable inelectable that you should So she prepares herself She preemptively cheats on you She prophylactically abandons you first before you abandon
102. 37:05 her You're not protective She tells you "You don't love me Really your love is not true You don't care about me You found someone else to take my place You're disloyal You're looking for alternatives And no amount of proofs to the contrary No amount of evidentiary
103. 37:24 presentation would help you She's made up her mind Don't confuse her with the facts Most borderline women are also misandress They hate men because they've been exposed to the vagaries vagaries of abuse and and bad relationships They're post-traumatic So they're likely to
104. 37:49 punish you for being men They're likely for example to cheat on you in order to cause you pain or to triangulate to accomplish the same to get a rise out of you by sexually selfrushing With other men the borderline accomplishes multiple goals
105. 38:11 simultaneously She affirms and confirms the bed object in her thus justifying her anticipation of rejection and abandonment She also proved to herself that all men are immoral beasts The all men take advantage of heartbroken damaged women such as
106. 38:35 herself and that upholds her misundress men-hating view Cheating is only one type of reckless behavior Promiscuity one type of reckless behavior The borderline can become violent aggressive in other ways Shopaholic walkaholic pathological gambler There are numerous ways to
107. 39:02 self-destruct But whenever the borderline anticipates abandonment and rejection she decompensates All her defenses collapse And at that point she's ready to move on to a stage called acting out But not before she switches into another self state a secondary psychopathy self
108. 39:25 state She becomes merciless disempathic hateful revengeful She needs to prove to herself that she is still irresistible and she would do it with another man She needs to prove to him to herself that she's omnipotent Her grandiosity equals easily
109. 39:48 the narcissist So she would I don't know overspend deplete the family savings in in retail therapy spray shopping reckless behaviors are very common in borderline in the acting out phase be it with men be it with money be it with violence be it with behaviors
110. 40:12 such as drunk driving etc etc At some point the borderline decides upon the following sequence You're a man She's a bad object Because you're a man and therefore impervious to the needs emotions and love of a woman Because you're a man you're evil You're a beast
111. 40:36 You're immoral Because she's a bad object You're going to abandon her You're going to reject her She needs to strike first So she would decompensate she would switch to a psychopathic state and she would act out and while she does this she experiences triple dissociation
112. 41:00 Three types of dissociation Amnesia depersonalization and derealization And the borderline experiences typically two or all three during a period of acting out Amnesia She deletes the memories simply She has no access to them She has very blurred memories even when she's not drunk
113. 41:27 autopilot depersonalization She feels that she is not inside her body that it's just she is just going through the motions that her body is some kind of independent entity taking on a life of its own Depersonalization It's not me I'm not there This is not happening to me
114. 41:51 I'm not doing this Derealization The whole thing feels like a movie It's not real It's dreamlike or nightmarish These are three mechanisms of dissociation that operate in a borderline that had been hurt that had been rejected that had been abandoned that had been
115. 42:13 humiliated This is her reaction She acts out dissociatively She says to herself "I need to do something I have to do something I need to do anything I need to hurt him my intimate partner And then having hurt him the power matrix restored because
116. 42:36 it's a power play Of course having hurt him and the power power matrix power balance restored I can regain his love I'm going to cheat on him and still regain his love I'm going to destroy his finances and he would still love me I need to test him to the limits I need to
117. 42:56 push beyond the most extreme nether regions of my world and then act in ways which are so egregious so ostentatious so horrible so beyond the pale that if he still loves me after all this it means that he really loves me It's a test of loyalty which many
118. 43:20 intimate partners or friends often fail It's a test of loyalty and a test of the veracity of the intimate partner's love because an borderline never trusts the intimate partner to truly love her How can anyone love her she's horrible So she acts horrible She
119. 43:41 becomes the bed object borish or whatever And then she returns to the intimate partner begging for forgiveness riven with guilt and shame and discomfort and egoistony begging on her knees to be forgiven and accepted back to the fold And if the intimate partner says yes for
120. 44:03 a while she rests assured that she's loved She feels accepted The avoidance phase In the avoidance phase the borderline openly says "You want me dead You want to shackle me You want to chain me to your world or to your bed You want me to be only yours You're meant to
121. 44:30 disappear into you." She says to the partner "You've changed You blame shift I'm the victim not you you guilt trip me I've done nothing wrong You have rejected me You have abandoned me And so I was just retaliating and I didn't even know what I was doing because I was dissociating
122. 44:51 It wasn't me I don't feel it I don't feel it wasn't me There's some vakin with his self-state theory So I think it was a self state It wasn't me She says to the intimate partner "You're not even self-aware You're very self-destructive You're going to destroy
123. 45:10 our relationship Never mind what I've done You can forgive me You know I can't help it You know it's stronger than me You know it's not me I wasn't there when I shagged this guy When I slept with him I wasn't there It was just my body and anyhow meaningless because I love you
124. 45:29 and only you You're judgmental You're overcritical and you want to drag me with you You just after my look looks you just want to have sex You don't really love me And paranoid ideation sets in in the avoidance phase Borderline becomes paranoid She has she develops per secondary
125. 45:52 delusions A pseudary object which used to be you The idealized object of the intimate partner the idealized introject the internal object is replaced by a prosecutoary one The intimate partner becomes the enemy I love you Don't leave me I hate you Stay with me I want to
126. 46:12 kill you I hope you live forever The secondary object And the borderline is likely to tell you "You're lying to me You constantly deceive me You constantly cheat on me You're out to get me You ent trap me You never mean what you say You gaslight me You hate me while I love you
127. 46:33 unconditionally and self-sacrificially You don't know how to love You are humiliating me and shaming me all the time You're malicious You know how guilty I feel You know how shameful I feel for what I've done And yet you harp on it and you keep bringing
128. 46:51 me back to these memories which I want to erase which I just want to forget And yes of course it will happen again But that's just the way I am It's a take it to live it proposition If you truly love me you will accept me And now that you have survived the
129. 47:11 ordeal the test that I've imposed on you now I know that you truly love me And now I can approach you again Again you become my world You are my life You will save me from myself and from others Everything is meaningless without you You're a stable rock You stabilize my
130. 47:33 moods You regulate my emotions With you I feel safe and whole completed I will give my life for you I'm bad and evil but with you I feel good and worthy because you've just proven that you accept and love me as I am a
131. 47:57 borderline Okay baby seal This is my Christmas baby seal and I'm with you today to discuss how does the codependent sees you her intimate partner This is the third in a series of three videos The first one is how does the narcissist see you the second one is
132. 48:18 how does the borderline see you and now how does the codependent see you it's reminiscent of the world series only much more thrilling and much less predictable My name is Sambati I'm the author of Melina and self- loveve narcissism revisited and I'm also a
133. 48:41 professor of psychology in SEAPS center for international advanced professional studies the outreach program of the CES consortium of universities Yep this over we can go straight into the codependent's mind The codependent says to her intimate partner "I need you I depend on
134. 49:08 you I won't survive without you I'm afraid that you will dump me." And her insistence in repeating these sentences borders on brainwashing or indoctrination She leverages learned helplessness into an art form It is the equivalent of emotional
135. 49:35 blackmail The codependent says "I can't make sense of the world without you I need you to make decisions for me I want you to rescue and protect me especially from myself I am so I'm so unsure of who I am and what is the best course of action that you have become my load
136. 50:00 stone Her clinginess and neediness are couched in words of wisdom She says "I have so much ambition so much energy and imagination and a lot of insight but I lack self-confidence and it's holding me back I don't trust my own abilities and judgment And that is
137. 50:24 where you my intimate partner comes in as my alter ego as my uh
138. 50:33 facilitator Tell me," she says Just keep telling me that you love me Tell me this all the time unsolicited I need you to tell me this I need you to reassure me because it feels so wonderful to love you It feels so magnificent to be needed and wanted
139. 50:53 finally by someone You're the only person in the world who cares about me and loves me and it makes me makes me feel alive again Without you I'm numb Without you I'm dead So I want to become one with you I want to merge with you I want to fuse with you I want us to be
140. 51:13 inseparable because I love myself through you I demand that you give me what I need because I always give you what you need And I do it unquestioningly I do it unhesitatingly I I submit to your every whim and wish I never disagree with you I never criticize you
141. 51:34 Doesn't this call for reciprocity don't I deserve something for putting up with you essentially I love you Don't ever leave me Take me everywhere with you I wish I could fit into your pocket We will do everything together always And I will be your child and you will keep me safe I
142. 51:59 call this in-house talking by the way And the codependent continues her solilo soliloquy She says "Never mind what you do to me I will always be here by your side I will always have your back I will save you I will have pity on you when no one else will And I'll redeem
143. 52:22 you I feel guilty and responsible for your abuse And because sometimes I'm considering to abandon you but I never I never will Rest assured it's only me saying stupid things Don't pay attention I cannot live apart from you I cannot have a life without you anymore I wish I could
144. 52:47 overcome you I wish I could erase you but this will never happen This is the codependence um voice This is how she sees her intimate partner I wrote in the open site encyclopedia the entry about codependent personality disorder and I said there the codependent dependent
145. 53:12 molds herself or himself Yes Molds herself and bends over backward to cater to the needs of her nearest and dearest and to satisfy their every whim wish expectation and demand Nothing is too unpleasant or too unacceptable if it serves to secure the uninterrupted presence of the
146. 53:34 codependent's family and friends and the emotional sustenance that she can extract or extort from them Codependent does not feel fully alive when she is alone She feels helpless threatened ill at ease and childlike This acute discomfort drives the codependent to hop
147. 53:56 from one relationship to another The sources of nurturance interchangeable to the codependent Being with someone with anyone no matter who is always preferable to agonizing solitude There are several types of codependence Codependency is a complex
148. 54:18 multifaceted and multi-dimensional defense against the codependents fears and needs There are five categories of codependency stemming from the respective ideologies Number one codependency that aims to fend off anxieties related to abandonment These codependents are
149. 54:40 clingy smothering and prone to panic They are plagued with ideas of reference referential ideation They display self-negating submissiveness The main concern of these type of codependents is to prevent their victims friends spouses family members
150. 54:59 from deserting them or from attaining true autonomy and independence These codependents merged with their loved ones and experience any sign of abandonment actual threatened anticipated or even imagined as a form of self annihilation or amputation In
151. 55:18 this codependent is very similar to the borderline resembles it The second type of codependency is geared to cope with the codependents fear of losing control by feigning helplessness and neediness Such codependents coerc their environment into ceaselessly catering to their needs
152. 55:41 wishes and requirements This is control from the bottom These codependents are leile drama queens and their life is a kaleidoscope of instability and chaos These codependents refuse to grow up They force their nearest and dearest to treat them as emotional or as physical
153. 56:01 invalids They deploy their self-imputed deficiencies and disabilities as weapons They wield them as weapons But these types of codependents use emotional blackmail and when necessary they uh threaten to secure the presence and blind compliance of their suppliers one
154. 56:21 way or another Both types by the way the first type and the second type do this Then there is the third type the vicarious codependent Vicarious codependents live through others like the moon with the sun reflected light Vicarious codependents sacrifice
155. 56:43 themselves in order to glory in the accomplishments of their chosen targets They subsist on reflected light on secondhand applause and on derivative achievements They have no personal history having suspended their own lives wishes preferences and dreams in favor of someone
156. 57:04 else's One type of such vicarious codependent is the inverted narcissist I'm quoting from my book Malignant Self-Love Narcissism Revisited 10th edition The inverted narcissist a subtype of covert narcissist This is a codependent who depends exclusively on
157. 57:24 narcissist A narcissist codependent If you're living with a narcissist if you have a relationship with one if you are married to one if you're working with a narcissist it does not mean that you're an inverted narcissist To qualify as an inverted narcissist you must crave to be
158. 57:42 in a relationship with a narcissist regardless of any abuse inflicted on you by him or her You must actively seek relationships with narcissists and only with narcissist no matter what your bitter and traumatic past experience has been You must feel empty and unhappy in
159. 57:59 relationships with any other kind of person except the narcissist Only then and if you satisfy the other diagnostic criteria of dependent personality disorder can you be safely labeled an inverted narcissist The fourth type of codependent is the borderline
160. 58:18 codependent or borderline narcissist These codependents oscillate between periods of clinging and other codependent behavior patterns which they interpret as intimacy and periods of aloofness detachment and emotional neglect and abandonment which they
161. 58:37 regard as legitimate and the only possible manifestations of their personal autonomy and space Codependent or borderline narcissist also tend to form with their intimate partner a shared fantasy a shared psychosis for leu These are all the outcomes of their overwhelming and all
162. 58:57 pervasive abandonment anxiety They either smother their partner in an attempt to fortold abandonment or they preemptively abandon ship thus avoiding hurt and maintaining an illusion of control over the situation I walked out on her and I dumped her not the other way
163. 59:17 around The codependent deploys strategies such as merger becoming one with her intimate partner while renouncing all personal autonomy and independence of both of them up to the point of a shared fantasy So this is one strategy deployed by codependence There is another strategy
164. 59:37 known as co-extensivity the I call it the ventriloquist the ventriloquist defense insisting that the partner mind reads her and acts in ways that reflect her inner psychological states and moods which are not communicated Then there is shifting boundaries using behavioral
165. 59:57 unpredictability and ambient uncertainty to induce paralyzing dependence in the partner And finally the fifth type of codependent is another form of dependence that is so subtle that it eludes eluded detection until very
166. 60:15 recently So the fifth type of codependent is known as counterdependent Counterdependents reject and despise authority They are consumatious and they often clash with authority figures such as parents bosses the law their sense of selfworth and
167. 60:33 their very selfidentity are premised on and they are derived from um this autonomy In other words they are dependent on these acts of bravora and defiance They are personal autonomy militants Counterdependents are fiercely uncompromisingly independent on the
168. 60:53 surface They're controlling They're self-centered They're aggressive But actually they're highly dependent on these displays of reactance Many of them are antisocial and use projective identification They force people to behave in ways that butress and affirm
169. 61:09 the countdependent view of the world and his expectations And these behavior patterns are often the result of deep-seated fear of intimacy In an intimate relationship counterdependents feel enslaved enslared captive shackled Counterdependents are locked into approach avoidance
170. 61:30 repetition compulsion cycles Hesitant approach is followed by avoidance commitment Avoidance of commitment They are counterdependents are lone wolves and bad team players but highly dependent on reacting to other people Counterdependence is a reaction
171. 61:49 formation The counterdependent dreads his own weaknesses He seeks to overcome them by projecting an image of omnipotence omniscience success self-sufficiency and superiority It's very similar to narcissism Most classical overt narcissists are actually
172. 62:06 counterdependent Their emotions and needs are buried under scar tissue which had formed coalesed and hardened during years of one form of abuse or another Grandiosity a sense of entitlement a lack of empathy and of winning hortiness usually hide knowing insecurity and a
173. 62:26 fluctuating sense of selfworth There may be a six form of codependency and I call it situational or late onset codependency Some people develop codependent behaviors and traits in the wake of a life crisis or a trauma especially a traumatic relationship especially if it
174. 62:47 involves an abandonment and the resulting solitude a divorce an emptiness Such late onset codependency fosters a complex emotional and behavioral chain reaction whose role is to resolve the inner conflict by riding oneself of the emergent undesirable codependent conduct
175. 63:09 Consciously such a part such a patient may at first feel liberated but unconsciously being abruptly dumped and lonesome is a disorienting and disconcerting effect I have dedicated a whole video to situational codependency and late onset codependency I recommend that you watch
176. 63:29 it Thank you for listening and happy new year Tomorrow a video about the best new year resolution you can ever make Get rid of a fake friend
177. 63:49 I'm going to take you on a tour of possibly the most desolate wasteland the most terrifying landscape and territory in the entire universe the psychopath's mind My name is Sambaknim I'm the author of Malignance of Love Narcissism Revisited and a professor of clinical psychology
178. 64:15 And today we're going to tour the psychopath's inner recesses How does he see you how does he perceive of others how does he conceive of human beings and of himself within this working model it is not um an easy question It's difficult to answer And it's difficult to answer
179. 64:43 because exactly like the narcissist the psychopath lacks emotional empathy He has cold empathy combination of reflexive and cognitive empathy but he lacks emotional empathy Exactly like the narcissist the psychopath has access to negative emotions which are amplified tenfold
180. 65:04 over the narcissist When the psychopath is angry he rages When he rages he is violent So psychopaths in many respects are exaggerated versions of regular run-of-the-mill normal so-called healthy so-called human beings But on the other hand they lack the basic
181. 65:29 machinery of being human They lack positive emotions They lack empathy And in the absence of positive emotions and empathy how human can they be it's another topic for today's lecture So let's start with the basics Now the psychopath regards the world as a hostile
182. 65:56 jungle a war a war zone a battlefield Everyone is out to get him Everyone is out to take him down Everyone is a potential enemy People hiding knives and just waiting for the moment to stab him in the back Betrayal is his daily bread Now when I say his in this
183. 66:19 case it's justified because the majority of psychopaths are men Although the number of women diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder which is the clinical uh term for psychopathy the number of women is increasing has been increasing dramatically since the 1980s Still the
184. 66:42 majority of men and because the majority of men majority are men perhaps it is it is a testosterone laden view of the universe Dog eat dog survival of the fittest Um if you don't fight you die So
185. 67:02 this is how they see the world And everyone in the world is a kind of military asset or a potential weapon Psychopaths in other world in other words weaponize everything While in other mental health disorders people sexualize everything The psychopath weaponizes everything
186. 67:25 including by the way his sexuality The psychopath regards other people as objects The way you regard inanimate objects your refrigerator your smartphone your television set your laptop Psychopath sees you the same way Objects are immutable They're responsive
187. 67:51 They're functional These are the three crucial elements in objects They don't change They're responsive to your needs and commands You know you use a remote control to change channels and they are functional They fulfill some function Now in cognitive development we have
188. 68:08 something called object identity It is the awareness that an object is the same even though it may undergo transformations For example take your coffee mug Don't take my coffee mug Take your coffee mug Don't be psychopaths Okay take your coffee mug Your coffee mug remains the same
189. 68:32 object despite differences in size distance color lighting orientation how much coffee you pour in how much coffee you have drunk etc etc Shape It's still a coffee mug There is some essence of coffee muggness and this is object identity Psychopath have an
190. 68:58 overdeveloped sense of object identity In other words they distill they isolate they extract they extract the essence of people around them And rather than refer to people around them as three-dimensional objects with a separate external existence with needs
191. 69:19 and hopes and dreams and fears and priorities and so on so forth The psychopath relates exclusively to the extricated essence to
192. 69:31 disc So when the psychopath sees you the psychopath analyzes you using cold empathy The psychopath isolates your possible utility in which ways you could be of use to the psychopath And this is your essence From that moment on the psychopath would inter interact and refer to your
193. 69:57 essence The rest the rest of you is of no interest to the psychopath So psychopaths reduce people to functions They dehumanize them They functionalize them And from that moment on they regard them as immutable unchangeable fixed frozen in time In
194. 70:22 other words psychopathy involves object fixation or perhaps more precisely object identity fixation where they are incapable of perceiving changes in people the subtle transmutations that people undergo on a minute-by-minute basis They're incapable
195. 70:46 psychopaths are incapable of interacting with a multifarious facets the kaleidoscopic nature of people They reduce them to pointlike entities and they continue to interact with these entities Now this is not the same as snapshotting or introjection in
196. 71:06 narcissist This narcissist snapshots you and introjects you in your totality The narcissist when when the narcissist creates an introject of you the introject contains all the information about you It is true that the introject is incapable of change but the introject is
197. 71:29 complete and in the narcissist's case the introject can be somehow modified For example the the narcissist can idealize the introject and then devalue the introject With a psychopath that's not the case There is a there is a pinpointed reduction of you to a single
198. 71:51 sentence or a single statement and all the interactions are with this statement and this statement never changes or if it does change uh it is erased and a new statement takes his place as we will see momentarily and I call it object identity
199. 72:10 fixation The process of object learning in psychopathy making a connection or an association between one aspect of an object and another is disrupted Object learning in psychopathy is disrupted I give you an example of object learning You have a cucumber A cucumber is long
200. 72:30 and a cucumber is green That is object learning You associate the two qualities of a cu cucumber And these two qualities put together give rise to the cucumberness of the cucumber The psychopath is incapable of doing this with people In other words the
201. 72:50 psychopath's view of people is very infantile and is essentially based on some elaborate modification or elaborate rendition of splitting The psychopath reduces you to an all good object In other words an all useful object An object that can further the psychopath's
202. 73:13 goals allow the psychopath to accomplish things and to experience the gratification of goal orientation So then you're all good And you're all bad if you stand in the way of the psychopath If you're an obstacle a hindrance an impediment if you fight back if you resist the
203. 73:33 psychopath So all good all bad But in psychopathy language psycho language all useful and all obstacle it's splitting all the same And splitting interfere interferes with object learning and creates a fixation freezes the object identity So the psychopath gets stuck He
204. 74:02 is unable to integrate the various facets and dimensions and aspects and behaviors and manifestations and changes and transformations and transmutations of an object It's a very very immature and infantile way of seeing people People in the psychopath world people
205. 74:26 are either tools or they're obstacles or they don't exist People's existence emerges from and comes to the attention and awareness and consciousness of a psychopath only if they are useful or if they are a hindrance if they are an obstacle on the way to accomplishing a goal You're
206. 74:51 either with me or you're against me You're my friend or my foe You're with me or you're my enemy Again as we can see this is a kind of extended splitting a splitting mechanism And so in the psychopath's world there are two groups of people who stand out in sharp relief They're
207. 75:17 noticeable The psychopath notices them Psychopath pays attention to them monitors them supervises them micromanages them spies on them And these people are the tools and the obstacles All other people as far as a psychopath is concerned do not exist And
208. 75:36 I don't mean this metaphorically or figuratively They don't exist literally A psychopath is incapable of perceiving the existence of people who do not serve him in some way or fight him and resist him in some way These are the only two groups which uh kind of gain
209. 76:00 um a sense of being in the psychopath world Now this is a this is similar to narcissism in pathological narcissism The narcissist is incapable of perceiving the externality and separateness of other people But whereas the narcissist is incapable of
210. 76:19 perceiving anyone's separate existence As far as a narcissist is concerned he or she is the only existing object In other words it's soypism With psychopathy uh the psychopath is healthier let's say more endowed in this sense The psychopath is capable of noticing
211. 76:42 accepting embracing and acting on and in and with the separateness and the externality of people Psychopath recognizes people as external to him as separate from him as agents people with agency and autonomy personal autonomy and independence And the psychopath
212. 77:05 doesn't resent this Unlike the narcissist who is hellbent on denying you your personal autonomy and independence and agency the psychopath doesn't care as long as you don't stand in his way as long as you don't hinder his efforts as long as you don't become
213. 77:23 an obstacle on the way to whatever goal he is pursuing So you're a tool if you collaborate with the psychopath You're an obstacle if you stand in the way of the psychopath You are non-existent otherwise These are the three categories And there are transition rules You
214. 77:46 uh as a as a human being as a as an external object you could transition from being irrelevant and therefore unnoticed and therefore non-existent You can transition from this status to being a tool or to being an obstacle If you bring yourself to the
215. 78:05 psychopath's attention by offering him something useful by suggesting a collaboration by rewarding him somehow then you become a tool You used to be irrelevant You used to be non-existent You used to be a penumbal shadow shadow of a human being a shade And now
216. 78:26 suddenly you erupt into full dimensional life You erupt into the consciousness of the psychopath as a tool as an instrument On the other hand if you resist the psychopath if you fight the psychopath if you criticize disagree with the psychopath create coalitions
217. 78:46 against the psychopath you become an obstacle Again you transition from having been irrelevant having been a sh a shadow having been non-existent having been a non- entity and a non-being You transition from that to having become an obstacle Now you're an obstacle as an
218. 79:07 obstacle The psychopath perceives you as you are He perceives he fully perceives you as external separate He realizes you have your own priorities and dreams and fears and emotions and cognitions so on so forth and the same if you're a tool Actually the psychopath studies you
219. 79:25 meticulously It's a survey surveillance kind of psychology It surveills you He studies you meticulously spies on you He accumulate gathers information and intelligence on you and so forth in order to leverage you somehow or in order to eliminate
220. 79:45 you The narcissist never does does this is incapable of doing this because he never perceives you as real while the psychopath does So the first rule of transition in the psychopath's universe you could transition from being irrelevant or non-existent to being a
221. 80:04 tool You could transition from being irrelevant or non-existent to being an obstacle You could transition from being a tool to being an obstacle But you cannot transition from being a tool to being irrelevant contrary to myths online So if you used to be the psychopath's
222. 80:31 instrument if you used to work with the psychopath collaborate with the psychopath reward the psychopath enhance the psychopath help the psychopath assist the psychopath support the psychopath If you were in cahoots with the psychopath in a coalition with the
223. 80:44 psychopath if you were part of the entourage of the psychopath an acolyte a psychopant an admirer you name it If you were with the psychopath in any context and if you help the psychopath attain and obtain his goals and then you stop or your utility
224. 81:03 is over you transition to being an obstacle because this is very frustrating to the psychophile the sess secession of your fun function The fact that you're no longer functional no longer responsive no longer promote him no longer help him no longer um um kind of drive him towards
225. 81:25 the accomplishment of his goals This frustrates the psychopath And we know from dollar's work we know that frustration leads to aggression When your utility is over for your own reasons or because it's just over you can't help the psychopath anymore you
226. 81:42 become an obstacle because you provoke a new trigger in the psychopath frustration and then he becomes very aggressive towards you So actually there are only two rules of transition If you used to be irrelevant you can become an an instrument or you
227. 82:02 can become an obstacle If you used to be an instrument or a tool you can become an obstacle but never irrelevant and you're very likely to provoke aggression This has to do with something called reversal of effect In psychoanalytic theory reversal
228. 82:20 of effect is a change in the aim of an instinct into the opposite So the instinct for example regarded you as a love object and then there's a reversal and you become a hate object That is reversal of effect Another example when you are internally a masochist you have
229. 82:44 a masochistic impulse to hurt to hurt yourself or more precisely to hurt the self to to hurt the ego and then it is transformed into a sadistic impulse to hurt other people So you start off as a mazoist You want to hurt yourself and then there's a reversal of of effect and
230. 83:06 you become a sadist and you hurt other people Psychopaths go through a reversal of effect when you cease to be a tool or an instrument There is a reversal of effect and the psychopath transitions from positive emotional investment positive cathexis in
231. 83:29 you You used to be a love object for example So he transitions from this to positive cath negative cathexis You become an enemy You become demonic You become hated And the and the psychopath is so frustrated that is the only option is to eliminate you somehow to destroy you to
232. 83:51 ruin anything I don't know your reputation your financial your financials your your family your your job something it's not revenge it's the need to remove a source of frustration psychopath cannot countenance frustration because they're so goal oriented
233. 84:13 ated They need to accomplish goals because goals guarantee gratification and they're addicted to the pleasure principle They are pleasurdriven and they are powerdriven and frustration takes away the pleasure and takes away the power and leaves them denuded of any reason to
234. 84:33 exist So they need to destroy you and remove you from the sin And they do this through a reversal of effect Obstacles must be eliminated forth with instruments can be on standby Instruments can be deployed Instruments can be withdrawn That is up to the
235. 84:54 psychopath's discretion A little like in the military you know if you're in the reserves or if you're in the regular military if you're So a little like in the military the psychopath deploys his battalions deploys his resources and his soul decision making and choice But
236. 85:14 obstacles trigger the psychopath into destructive violent aggressive behavior anything from a smear campaign to murder essentially So when you lose your utility as an instrument because you have chosen to disengage from the psychopath this exacerbates the frustration because it
237. 85:41 challenges the psychopath perception as omnipotent all controlling and takes away his power disempowers him When on the other hand you lose your utility as an instrument because you're no longer useful You have lost your access Your contacts have died
238. 85:59 I don't know what you don't have money anymore to give him You are growing old and the sex is not what it used to be You have lost your utility At that point you become a burden and a threat A burden and a threat because you're also a repository of memories of
239. 86:16 glory's past The psychopath needs to eliminate any record and any trace of failure or potential failure And your transmutation your transformation your transsubstantiation into um an obstacle You used to be a tool now you're an obstacle is unacceptable to the
240. 86:38 psychopath because it implies that there are processes outside his control that the power is outside himself He is not godlike This is a psychopath's grandiosity Now small percentage of psychopaths are also narcissists online experts who claim that all psychopaths are narcissists
241. 87:00 need to go back to school regardless of their academic degrees Only a small portion are also narcissist But it is true that both narcissists and psychopaths are grandiose And whereas the locus of the narcissist grandiosity can be anything even victimhood You know I'm the
242. 87:20 ultimate victim or I'm the ultimate genius or whatever The locus of the psychopath's grandiosity has to do usually with power Power granted to him by money power granted to him by sex power And he cannot countenance and survive instances and reminiscences of
243. 87:44 disempowerment He cannot cope with the realization that he is not as powerful as he wants to believe that he is And your transition from instrument to obstacle does this to him Reminds him of his limitations and incapacity So he needs to eliminate accomplishment of goals I
244. 88:07 mentioned yields gratification It also upholds and butresses the psychopath grandiosity But much more than that it's a pleasure Whereas healthy people normal people experience pleasure in a variety of ways hundreds of ways the psychopath experiences pleasure only when he has
245. 88:31 accomplished his goals Actually the goals sometimes are not that important It's the accomplishment of the goals the attainment of the goals having proven to himself that he's able to transcend all obstacles the perseverance the stamina that generate the
246. 88:53 gratification the sense of unmitigated power over circumstances over environments over other people And it's the kind of power that is essential power It's not power that the psychopath doesn't perceive his or her power as external something that he has acquired He perceives it as
247. 89:19 emanating from who he is The psychopath is power You know the state is I I'm the state So the psychopath is his own power In this sense the psychopath is self-generating Everything comes from the inside is innate which is of course a godlike quality The
248. 89:45 psychopath's addiction to money or to sex or to is all about power And even the psychopath's addiction to power in many ways is secondary The attaining power securing power exercising power is a kind of self-affirmation The gratification is embedded or is the outcome of the
249. 90:19 psychopath's self-affirmation So when the psychopath has power when he exercises power when power is evident and the outcomes of power are discernible the psychopath says "Everything I think about myself must be true." So power confirms to the
250. 90:39 psychopath that his self-perception and self-image are correct And all this emanates from anxiety Today we know recent studies have demonstrated and are demonstrating that psychopathy may be a compensatory reaction to anxiety Exactly like narcissism
251. 91:01 Narcissism is a compensatory reaction to shame Psychopathy is a compens compensatory reaction to insecurity a sense of lack of safety dread angst anxiety The psychopath feels that he is on an alien hostile menacing planet And the only way to calm himself
252. 91:30 down the only anxolytic solution anxiety reducing solution is to demonstrate to himself how powerful he is Because if he is infinitely powerful he is finally safe He is finally secure He doesn't need to to worry He doesn't need to wake up at night drenched in sweat He doesn't
253. 91:52 need all this Now the myth that psychopaths are fearless is a myth They're not fearless They're actually anxious It is true though that their bodies react differently to fear We don't know whether this is the outcome of some innate hereditary genetic template or
254. 92:13 whether actually the psychopath's need to cope with threatening traumatizing abusive dangerous environments has caused his brain to rewire and his body to change physiologically We don't know what preceded what but it is a fact The psychopath does not experience
255. 92:36 his anxiety and does not experience his fear What he experiences when he's afraid what he experiences when he's anxious is a surge of adrenaline the need to conquer the need to assert control the need to tr to drive towards a goal and to occupy it and to if
256. 93:01 necessary consume it and subsume it to obliterate it or eradicate it whatever the case may be whatever the goal However the goal is defined destructive or constructive it is the attainment of the goal that empowers the psychopath And it is this empowerment that calms
257. 93:23 him down reduces his underlying generalized anxiety and he experiences this as gratification We have a con we have a concept called object of instinct Object of instinct in classical psychoanalytic theory it's an object which is sought in order to achieve
258. 93:46 satisfaction The object could be a person a real inanimate object a possession it could be a behavior it could be a goal it could be a narrative it could be anything So it's an object that is sought that is pursued that is conquered in order to achieve
259. 94:06 satisfaction The internal aim this is called the internal aim So there's an external aim which is the object to be taken over the object to be secured the object to be actualized and realized Like as I said the object could be a a project or a plan or an idea or a a
260. 94:25 behavior or what or a person or an in possession could be anything object is simply anything outside the self So this is the external aim and when the psychopath acquires this external aim he achieves the internal aim which is on the surface gratification and
261. 94:45 satisfaction but in reality a reduction in generalized all-consuming underlying anxiety The aim of the instinct in psychonalytic theory is the activity through which an instinct is gratified resulting in the release of internal tension anxiety
262. 95:07 So and and this is the instinctual aim This is this is the mechanism which underlies psychopathy psychopath The psychopath consequently caths or cexes caths goals The cexis is in goals Cexis in the is in the power to obtain goals Actually to be more precise
263. 95:32 not not in the goals but the cexis is in the power to obtain goals Because this kind of power proves to the psychopath that he needs not be afraid He needs not be anxious He need not be he need not be weary He need not be hypervigilant He need not be you know
264. 95:53 because the world is under control This hostile horrible jungle Darwinian landscape is under control This alien Martian uh soil is under his feet He is in charge So the psychopaths cffects the power that allows him to obtain goals Never people He never cffects people
265. 96:15 What he does with people is known as raification or in colloquial terms objectification Rification is when you treat something outside yourself Could be another person could be uh a possession could be an abstraction an idea a concept could be a
266. 96:38 formulation could be a plan could be a goal When you treat something outside yourself as if it were an object a material thing you raify it So you take it literally So raification is a fallacy of course and this is the process of object object objectification
267. 97:04 converting living breathing human beings into objects inanimate objects via
268. 97:14 raification But in the case of the psychopath raification extends not only to people The psychopath raifies his goals He objectifies them He regards his goals the same way you and I would regard a shining new device He raifies the power that he accumulates and exercises
269. 97:38 on the way to obtaining his goal It becomes an object Again a shining new device The the psychopath coets power He craves power He's addicted to power He salivates over power because power is the only thing that can restore his inner equilibrium his peace of mind his
270. 98:04 homeostasis It is when he exercises power that he experiences elation narcissistic elation Freud called it oceanic feeling the merger with a symbolic atavistic primordial mother He mothers himself The psychopath becomes his own maternal figure a a secure base a safe haven when
271. 98:33 he acquires power The power is his mother He perceives power as maternal and then it allows him to take on the world In other words to separate and individuate in effect See beginning you see beginning to see the similarities with a shared fantasy in narcissism And
272. 98:56 indeed the psychopath develops a shared fantasy with his goals not with people There he is distinct from narciss narcissism from the narcissist The narcissist develops a shared fantasy with people people as props people as actors in his shared fantasy but people all the same
273. 99:19 The psychopath develops shared fantasy with his goals Or much more precisely the psychopath develops a shared fantasy with his power Whereas in the narcissist shared fantasy the intimate partner is the maternal figure the new maternal figure In the psychopath shared fantasy power
274. 99:40 is the maternal figure Power is a psychopath's wet dream Literally it's incestuous There's an incest dynamic going on I keep saying object object object Let's go back to basics An object when we talk about people an object is the other that is any person or symbolic
275. 100:06 representation of a person that is not the self and that provokes or triggers behavior or cognitions or effects which are then directed at the object So when you have a human being when you have a person outside of yourself and you recognize that this person is not
276. 100:28 you you recognize the boundaries I end here and this person begins This person ends here and I begin So when you recognize the externality and separateness of that other person and you realize that this other person is the same as you via the mechanism of
277. 100:49 empathy When this happens the other person ironically becomes an object and your behaviors object I mean in psychological parlance in psychological lingo when we say object in psychology we mean a person outside yourself and we mean that you recognize this person's externality
278. 101:12 and separateness You recognize that this person is exactly like you So then we call this kind of person uh an object in psychology which tells you a lot about psychology Anyhow at that moment when you recognize the externality and separateness and equality of that other
279. 101:32 person your behavior changes You develop cognitions develop emotions you develop effects The information about that other person changes you and affects your behavior modifies your behavior And this is what we call object relations We'll come to it in a minute Psychoanalytic
280. 101:54 theory There's a more expansive definition of object Object as I've described now is a common definition in object relations theories But in classical psychoanalytic theory and current psychonalytic theory object when we use the word object we mean something a lot more expansive
281. 102:16 Object is anything in psychonalytic theory Object is anything Person thing part of a body symbol plan idea I mean you name it Object is anything through which an instinct can achieve its aim of gratification Period Anything external to you and anything internal to you
282. 102:43 which grants or guarantees gratification instinctual gratification is an object So in the case of the psychopath this second definition pertains not the first because the psychopath regards everything as an object Not only everyone but everything Everything The psychopath
283. 103:09 objectifies everything including his sense of power including himself including other people including plans and and and uh goals and objectives and in everything immediately The psychopath immediately converts into an object raifies everything Whereas the narcissist raifies and
284. 103:36 objectifies mostly people the psychopath's raification or objectification is out of control It's totally wild The psychopath regards everything himself included as some kind of object That's why psychopaths don't react the way you do to being wounded physically
285. 104:02 wounded They don't react the way you do to threats because the psychopath object has objectified himself He he is one step removed It's a kind of dissociation The psychopath's tendency to raify and objectify everything humans abstracts concepts possessions himself
286. 104:27 you name it This tendency is a kind of defensive dissociation If the world is so horrible if it's survival of the fittest if it's nature uh red in tooth and claw you know if the world is a dystopian uh kind of environment to dissociate yourself from
287. 104:53 the world to remove yourself from the world is a great idea actually And this is what the psychopath does He cuts himself off the world He no longer exists by becoming a rock by becoming a stone You know the famous the famous horror movies and documentaries where psychopaths are
288. 105:18 described as stonelike or nonhuman in the inanimate sense They're they're not animated And that's because they have removed themselves from the scene They're not there And not only are they not there there is no self which has been removed I mean the psychopaths do
289. 105:40 possess I want to be clear psychopath psychopaths do possess a self a fully constellated and integrated self The formation of selfhood formation of the self or the ego in psychopathy is much less disrupted than in borderline and in narcissism And in this sense psychopathy
290. 106:01 ironically psychopaths ironically are much healthier mentally healthier than narcissists and borderline But when the psychopath dissociates because he needs to objectify himself he he removes even his self from the scene He ceases to exist Kind of
291. 106:26 astral astral tree He he just is not there He's not there And this im imbuss him with a sense of security safety enhances his power So the source of the psychopath's power is is his
292. 106:51 invulnerability impermeability untouchability Psychopath says psychopath message is you can't do anything to me because I'm not here And yes this is very reminiscent of depersonalization and derealization essentially dissociative mechanisms I've dedicated a video to
293. 107:12 this You can watch it It's taking yourself out of reality It's telling yourself this is not happening to me Depersonalization and or this is not real It's just a fantasy derealization The psychopath says "You have no power over me and I have all the
294. 107:32 power over you because there's nothing you can do to me and I can do everything and anything to you and you can do nothing to me because I'm not here My body may be here but nothing else and nothing much more So I'm untouchable I'm impermeable I'm invulnerable In short I'm
295. 107:55 godlike There is a direct correlation between the level of dissociation in in psychopathy and the level of perceived selfmpowerment The higher more pervasive more profound the dissociation the more the psychopath feels empowered the more he feels present Ironically the more he
296. 108:18 feels in control and in charge He's the boss is godlike He determines the fates of everyone and everything around him You talk to any psychopath and they will describe this out of body experience They will describe that when they were at the height of their power as they
297. 108:37 have perceived it when they were killing someone when they were when they've accomplished a heist or a scam when they were doing something which which flew in the face of social mores and norms and and the law and and broke every rule and and when they were defiant and when they
298. 108:55 were consummatious rejecting authority and when they were you know gung-ho supermenpowered whatever at that point they will tell you psychopaths will tell that they felt they were not there They felt as if they were observing something watching something a movie kind of It's
299. 109:17 a dissociation power equation in psychopathy Object relations in narcissism is mediated through the shared fantasy and the narcissist has internal object relations Narcissist object relations with objects is with representations of external objects in his
300. 109:42 mind So whereas healthy normal people have external object relations they fall in love with someone out there the narcissist has internal object relations He falls in love with a representation of someone out there in his mind The psychopath's object relation is highly complex
301. 110:05 As I said the psychopath is capable of perceiving the existence the functioning the separateness of external objects Unlike the narcissist psychopath reality testing is not impaired it's intact While the narcissist reality testing is short is
302. 110:26 destroyed In other words the narcissist is delusional and embedded in a fantasy defense whereas the psychopath is not So the psychopath is capable of perceiving external objects and relating to them if if they're instruments or obstacles And so in principle the
303. 110:47 psychopath should be able to maintain object relations He should be able to be responsive to the external existence of objects Object relations is an individual's relationship to their entire external world with emphasis on people In psychoanalysis object relations is an
304. 111:08 individual's relationships to their objects real or imagined persons activities things that function as sources of connection as well as liidinal or aggressive gratification In the case of the psychopath there is a problem There is a problem because the
305. 111:30 psychopath is fully interactive with and responsive to the external world including people in the external world But his relationship with with people is premised on utility what can people do for him or in which way they endanger and undermine his agenda
306. 111:57 So this inability to to relate to people except in so far as they fit into a cunning scheme or project or a plan renders the psychopath's object relations very impoverished and one-dimensional And yet whereas the narcissist has object relations only
307. 112:23 with internal objects and whereas the borderline has object relations only with external objects The psychopath has object relations with external objects having reduced them to their utility to to a a pinpointlike entity Remember how we started the lecture
308. 112:50 um this has to do a lot with object cexes the investment of libido or the investment of psychic energy emotional energy cognitive energy in objects outside the self A person God ID activity plan goal they're all outside the self And you invest energy in these
309. 113:12 things When you love someone you invest energy in them When you have a plan you pursue it you invest energy in it This process is called cexis There is a problem with object cexis in psychopathy It underlies and gives rise to the problem in object
310. 113:30 relations The psychopath does notffect the object Heffects what the object can give him He affects how the object can promote his agenda Heffects the goal He cffects the power that he has over the object over the the person So he doesn'tffect
311. 113:53 people hects the interaction with people and much more precisely affects his side of the interaction with people So the psychopath is self-conting The psychopath perceives other people as external but as one would perceive pawns on a chessboard The psychopath is emotionally
312. 114:17 invested in his power over people on what people can give him on what people how they can promote his accomplishments guarantee them or how can they obstruct and hinder his progress He's affected in all this but not in the people themselves The same way a chess
313. 114:36 player is emotionally invested in the game and in winning or even in the adversary But the chess player is never emotionally invested in the pieces in the pieces of chess He's not emotionally invested in the pawn or the knight or the queen or the king They're
314. 114:56 mere instruments and sometimes they're obstacles You could perceive you could visualize or you could conceptualize and definitely verbalize the psychopath's internal world as an infinite infinite chess game where all people are pieces on a board That would
315. 115:19 be getting very close to the psychology of the psychop psychopath uh has a problem with people but not the same problem that a narcissist or a borderline has If we want to delve deeper and understand why psychopaths end up the way they do something an exploration
316. 115:43 which I did with narcissist border I will give you a hint because I'll dedicate a video to it much further down the road but I will give you a hint but before I give you this hint we need to define a concept known as object constancy in object relations theory and
317. 116:04 object constancy is an infantile feature feature of infancy early childhood It is the ability of the infant to maintain an attachment Attachment that is relatively independent of gratification or frustration based on a cognitive capacity to conceive of a mother who
318. 116:30 exists when she is out of sight and a mother who has positive attributes even when she is frustrating rejecting and unsatisfying In other words object constancy object constancy relies on two psychological processes two psychological dynamics The ability to retain an image
319. 116:54 of a person who is not physically present Mother left the room but she's still in my head says the infant I can still see her in my mind's eye And the second mechanism or process or dynamic is the ability to integrate the negative and positive features of a
320. 117:15 person into a single unified vision In other words to counter or counterand splitting When you put these two together you get object constancy The infant becomes attached to the mother herself rather than the rather than to her tension reducing ministrations or so he he gets
321. 117:40 attached to the mother not to the functions of the mother He gets attached to mother not to what mother does for for the child for the infant The infant gets attached to mother not to how she comports or herself or behaves So the mother comes to exist
322. 118:02 continuously for the infant not only when the infant needs her not only when she satisfies the infant's needs not only when she frustrates the infant she's there a continuous presence It is an investment by the infant in a specific libidinal object
323. 118:25 And this also means that mother becomes unique She is no longer interchangeable with someone else The infant has fixated her The infant has created a fixed image of her an internal object an imago an introject of her in the infant's mind in his or her
324. 118:50 mind And so from that from that moment on she is recognizable She cannot be confused or conflated with anyone else So this is object constancy And remember this when we discuss psychopathy There's also a concept of object loss In psychoanalytic theory the
325. 119:11 actual loss of a person who served as a good object is known as object loss A good mother for example or good enough mother The child is afraid afraid to lose her So what the child does he introjects her He creates a snapshot of her an internal object a photograph of her and he
326. 119:35 internalizes it He puts this in his or her mind From that moment on the infant has a representation of the good object in his or her mind And this reduces the separation anxiety The anxiety about the possible loss of a good object begins with panic The infant
327. 119:59 panics about being separated being abandoned being rejected It's known clinically as separation insecurity So what's the solution you make a photograph of mommy You place it in your mind and you're safe because mommy now is always there Adult grief and mourning are
328. 120:22 examples of object loss and separation anxiety Adult grief and mourning trigger infantile separation anxiety and infantile object loss anxiety in infancy and childhood And this complicates of course the grief reaction Okay Object constancy object loss If you
329. 120:46 have difficulty to make retain this information in your head go back listen to it again make notes be good students All right And I will uh now discuss object permanence In the wake of all these concepts we put them together and I'll attempt to explain the dynamics inside
330. 121:08 the psychopath's mind But we need to get acquainted with these concepts Otherwise uh whatever it is that I have to say will sound nonsensical It usually sounds nonsensical but I'm trying to reduce this Okay Shushim object permanence Object permanence was first described by Jean P
331. 121:31 the eminent child psychologist I still haven't decided who was number one child psychologist Winnot Perege Mal and so on I think P is a claim So object permanence is the knowledge of the continued existence of objects even when they are not directly
332. 121:49 perceived even when they are not physically present According to Jean P object permanence develops gradually in infants during what he called the sensory motor stage of cognitive development And there are milestones that indicate the acquisition of object
333. 122:07 permanence P was very like Mala PV was very meticulous in documenting his observations of children and so he broke it down to stages The same way Ericson broke down life the lifespan into stages P did the same with childhood He said that if we observe
334. 122:26 children we can see the moment or the time or the period when they begin to develop object permanence um when the child reaches for and retrieves a covered object The object is covered but the child knows that under the cover there's an object It's an
335. 122:46 example of object permanence And this happens between ages 8 and 12 months or when a child retrieves an object at location B even though it was previously hidden several times in location A again
336. 123:02 the same time frame 8 to 12 months so the child can conceptualize that the object is the same never mind that the location has changed this is known by the way as the A not B task or when the child removes a series of covers to retrieve an object even
337. 123:19 though the infant only witness the object being hidden under the outermost cover This is known as invisible displacement It happens usually between the ages of 18 and 24 months So nonre these are the reaching tasks when the child reaches out to an
338. 123:37 object even though there's no hint of the object physical presence It's covered or relocated or something dislocated Now more recent research using non-reaching tasks suggests that infants display some knowledge of object permanence at a much earlier stage than
339. 123:55 suggested by Pier And this sits well with a work of Fairburn about ego Fairburn and Melanie Klein claim that children are born with an ego They don't develop it They don't constellate or integrate it but they're born with it Okay I will not get go into it right now
340. 124:16 Um so now that we've become acquainted with object constancy and with object permanence and with object loss remember let's go back to the psychopath remember that psychopaths are probably born there's a strong hereditary component in psychopathy genetic
341. 124:37 component there are brain abnormalities in psychopathy pronounced brain abnormalities amydala gray letter you named And there is a difference between the physiological reactions of the psychopath's body and physiological reaction of a normal body For example psychopaths sweat much
342. 124:58 less Their pupils don't dilate when they are exposed to horror pictures of horror photographs of horror and so on So we know the psychopaths are different even kind of a species unto their own an alien species But never forget that every genetic and hereditary predisposition is
343. 125:23 triggered by the environment You could be born for a predisposition for narcissism but it would remain remain dormant and latent if the environment is loving and compassionate and containing and holding Psychopaths grow up in abusive traumatizing
344. 125:47 violent aggressive shocking terrifying terrorizing families That has been proven in a teen studies The incidence and prevalence of adverse childhood experiences among psychopaths is much higher by multiples than the incidence of prevalence of such
345. 126:13 bad experiences among more normal or healthy people Psychopaths have been exposed to a terrible childhood in dysfunctional families anything from substance and drug abuse to to beatings to I mean you name it So psychopaths were not exposed to a good
346. 126:35 object Psychopaths were not exposed to loving parents holding parents understanding and accepting parents They were exposed to animals They were exposed to bestial criminals They were exposed to the most horrific torture And so they did not have a good
347. 126:56 object outside They didn't have a mother or a father they could consider to be good objects And because they had only a bad external bad object they never experience object loss I mean if your father or your mother keeps beating you up to pulp
348. 127:17 almost killing you in the process day in and day out you're not likely to regard them as good objects and you're not likely to grieve if they were to die You're not likely to experience the terror or the anxiety of object loss and you're not likely to feel the need to
349. 127:35 introject them Why would you interject an abusive traumatizing mother for example you wouldn't I mean there's another process known as a prim the primitive super ego the internalization of a bed a bed object that is an unconscious process but classical introjection fails in
350. 127:56 psychopathy because classical introjection fails psychopaths have no object constancy and that is similar to narcissists both psychopaths and narcissists have been exposed to horrendous parenting to dead mothers to evil parents And so both of them did not experience object
351. 128:17 loss and both of them failed to introject in in one in some ways So like the narcissist the psychopath has no object constancy But the psychopath also doesn't have introject constancy because of the failure to introject So the psychopath is a combination of
352. 128:35 narcissist and borderline You remember the narcissist has object object inconstancy and introject constancy The borderline has object constancy and introject inconstancy The psychopath has object inconstancy and introject inconstancy So the psychopath is unable
353. 128:58 to relate to you not only when you're out there as external objects He's unable to relate even to internal objects that represent you in his mind because he doesn't form them He doesn't create them His reality testing is intact So he is able to tell that you're out there
354. 129:20 He's able to perceive and recognize and accept your externality and separateness But there is no emotional resonance to it It's as if he it's as if this were some kind of objective knowledge I don't know the distance to the sun is 150 million miles or kilometers whatever it
355. 129:39 is So you know okay so what there's a so what thing with psychopaths You're out there You're external You're separate You have wishes You have dreams You have fantasies You have hopes You you're afraid You have cognitions So what and there is no internal object
356. 129:58 inside the psychopath with which the psychopath could continue the interaction or which the psychopath could use to try to understand you out there No nothing You're there You're out there So what and you're not in here So what and you're so what That's a so what attitude
357. 130:20 Whereas a narcissist internalizes you and continues to interact with the internal object So at least there's a tenuous connection to you somehow Maybe not to you but to your representation in the narcissist's mind to the memory of you in the narcissist's
358. 130:37 mind to this snapshot a moment in time frozen but at least this The same with the borderline She cannot maintain an internal object in her mind which represents you But when you're there she's all over you She's intensely interacting The psychopath is like a totally
359. 130:59 disinterested bored observer You're out there Okay you're not in here Okay who cares why would I waste my time energy emotions on this i better things to do You you do exist out there but this existence doesn't resonate with the psychopath Doesn't
360. 131:20 provoke him any emotional reactions cognitions nothing It's as if you did not exist It's same like knowing that um atoms are comprised of neutrons I mean the nucleus of atoms is comprised of neutrons and protons So okay So you know they are out there but do they have
361. 131:41 any impact on you in any way shape or form no This knowledge has zero impact on you The knowledge of your existence has zero impact on the psychopath I think the distinguishing feature of psychopathy is extreme apathy extreme indifference bordering on uh effective
362. 132:02 paralysis flat effect flat attachment flat everything The psychopath is a raified flatline In distance sense he's dead It's totally dead externally and internally Whereas in the narcissist there are still some dynamics going on In the borderline there's drama is with
363. 132:24 a psychopath There is just the dead stare of a dead fish And it's a fish The dead stare of a dead shark And it's a shark who is after your blood Because as far as a psychopath is concerned your externality your external reality is exactly like blood in the water for a
364. 132:45 shark I hope I succeeded to capture and to convey some of this utterly surreal um existence experience Another problem with psychopaths is known as object of consciousness issue Object of consciousness is um a clinical term a concept that perceived object is distinct from the
365. 133:14 perceiver The separation of observer and observed is a contentious issue in philosophy and there are some philosophies philosophical schools like phenomenology which contest this They say this distinction this cousin this breaking of the world the universe
366. 133:32 breaking of the universe into observed and observer is artificial And new develop I mean developments in quantum mechanics 100 years ago tended to somehow substantiate this perception that observer observer and observed one and so on so forth But in psychology we
367. 133:48 do make the distinction between the perceived object and the perceiver The distinction between the perceived uh object and the perceiver is not illusory This is not Buddhism This is not vanta philosophy You know we do make this distinction in psychology and we say
368. 134:08 that object of consciousness is anything of which the mind is conscious including perceptions mental images internal objects external objects emotions Anything the mind becomes aware of is an object of consciousness and it involves an observing eye Someone is doing the
369. 134:29 observing some ego um some eye some call it as you wish but there is an observer definitely and this is the observer is the subject of consciousness It's subjective This observing ego observing I this is the subject This is the subject and the subject
370. 134:52 observes the object This is how we perceive Of course with the psychopath there is a problem here because of the aforementioned issue with issues with object constancy and introject constancy There is an inability to maintain the process of observation based on this separation
371. 135:15 between observer and observed Again don't confuse this with the ability to externalize The the psychopath recognizes your externality But this is just a fact It's just a fact Something taken out of Wikipedia The sun exists and you exist Okay Existence You know it doesn't
372. 135:40 resonate with the psychopath Doesn't change the psychopath in any way emotionally cognitively effectively behaviorally there's no change And because you don't change the psychopath for all practical purposes you don't exist And so the psychopath has difficulty to
373. 136:03 distinguish the process of observation from the process of occupation or the process of acquisition or the process of overpowering or the process of conquering The only way the psychopath observes you as an object of consciousness is when he appropriates you annexes you takes over
374. 136:28 you usually in a hostile manner makes what you what's yours is So it is the process of acquisition the this interaction of essentially merger and fusion by force coerced merger and fusion that brings your external existence to the psychopath's attention and
375. 136:57 awareness So the psychopath is actually accepts your externality and separateness as challenges as triggers They provoke in him the need to eliminate you Either eliminate you via incorporation by becoming one with you or taking over you or eliminate you by killing you destroying
376. 137:24 you In the psychopaths world
377. 137:31 eradication obliteration destruction are the only modes of communicating with reality You included Because they are the only ones which guarantee safety and security in a hostile dangerous menacing world And because the psychopath doesn't have object constancy and doesn't have
378. 137:58 introject constancy he has no problem moral or otherwise to destroy you or to assimilate you or to consume you or to obliterate you Because by doing this to you he is not uh reverting from object constancy to object inconstencancy He is it doesn't
379. 138:23 trigger in him any sense of loss any anxiety any fear and also it doesn't change the internal balance and furniture in his mind You don't exist in his mind There's no introject there The narcissist when he devalues you and discards you this has a massive
380. 138:44 impact on the narcissist because it transforms the internal object into a persary object into an enemy This is not the case with the psychopath There's no internal object there Well no meaningful or stable internal object So using you and getting rid of you this is done as an
381. 139:08 afterthought offhandedly Um it's part of a of a scheme part of a plan part of an agenda You you just you just happen to be there your collateral damage so to speak You're faceless You're not humanized You're dehumanized And remember the metaphor or the simile of the
382. 139:34 chessboard You're just being moved on the on the board the self There's been there is a a theory about the the function of the the functions of the self and and so on so forth It's was first proposed by William James It's one of my favorites I mentioned it before in some of the in
383. 139:59 some few of my videos So William James said that there various kinds of functions of the self There is the self as the observer the self that has access to conscious experience and knowledge including knowledge of the self William James contrasted this with the self as
384. 140:19 known and it is synonymous with the nominative self the eye and he said that the self is known is the self that is known through reflection It's very similar to the empirical self It contrasts with the self as observer or knower and it's synonymous
385. 140:44 with a me So we're beginning to see the structure There's a self as known I know myself I know me There's a self as an observer I'm observing others I'm observing also myself Okay The nominative self is the self as knower of the self rather than the self so
386. 141:06 known In the psychology of William James the nom nominative self or the I is contrasted with the empirical self or the me The self that is known by the self rather than the self as knower So there's one self as the self who knows and one self as the self who is known by
387. 141:27 the self who knows In the psychology of William James the empirical self is held to consist of the material self everything material that can be seen as belonging to the self The social self the self as perceived by others and the spiritual self the self that is closest to one's
388. 141:46 core subjective experience of oneself So the empirical self the me is not the nominative nominative self the I the observer Now the social self are this is a combination or compilation of aspects of one's identity or self-concept that are important to or influenced by
389. 142:09 interpersonal relationships and the reactions to other people So the the social self also includes characteristic behaviors in social social situations and the persona the mask the facade that an individual exhibits when they are in contact with
390. 142:27 other people as contrasted with their real self Self as agent is a self that has goals plans and control over voluntary actions Gordon Alport and others considered this term self as agent to be similar in meaning to the eye or the nominative self the
391. 142:51 self-observer So the aspect of the self that has agency the aspect of the self that plays a role in a psychic process or in anything in goal accomplishment um is closer to the me to the empirical self Okay why did I mention all this because the psychopath doesn't have a self as an
392. 143:19 observer He doesn't have the self as an observer He because he has no internal object or no capacity to introject Introjects These internal objects always include a representation of the self They include a representation of an external object of someone out there
393. 143:44 combined with a representation of the self When you don't have introj or the introjection process is disrupted there is a problem with the perception of the self and this of course disrupts the ability to observe oneself So psychopaths are not
394. 144:02 self-aware and much more importantly it destroys the capacity to develop a social self So psychopaths are not influenced by interpersonal relationships by reactions of other people They are divorced They are as I said impervious impenetrable untouchable You could say anything to
395. 144:27 them You can punish them You can they are unchanged immutable like a stone because they don't have this rich internal world that even the narcissist has internally it's a wasteland There are no internal objects here Oh I mean of course there are internal objects but
396. 144:47 they're not like the kind of internal objects that we usually discuss when we discuss pathologies of the self There is nothing there except an extremely primitive self nuclear self um that strives for mastery and control of the environment because it
397. 145:09 catastrophizes and anticipates the worst and regards other people as tools instruments or obstacles in a chess game that never ends where they Adversary is the devil himself