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1. 00:01 by now you're all acquainted with the metaphor of the black hole the howling
2. 00:09 void the emptiness or the empty skitsoid core at the foundation of the narcissist
3. 00:16 and the borderline a presence that is actually an absence and threatens to consume them
4. 00:24 from the inside and at the same time subsume other people it is an expanding hyperrelexive entity a bit terrifying reminiscent of a horror
5. 00:37 movie but today I'm going to focus on another issue how does this black hole
6. 00:44 consume you how does the narcissist and border lines emptiness end up in vain
7. 00:51 invading you compromising you taking over kind of hostile decor merging with
8. 00:58 you this is the topic of today's video those of you who would like to refresh
9. 01:04 your memory regarding the black hole phenomenon or the emptiness um
10. 01:10 postulated at the core of narcissism and borderline personality disorders or personality organizations you may wish
11. 01:17 to go to the description you have links to three videos each one of them deals with another aspect or another way of looking at the um emptiness that we are
12. 01:29 discussing my name is Sam Vaknin i'm the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited i'm also a professor of psychology
13. 01:43 so emptiness black hole howling void deep
14. 01:51 space it all emanates from some cataclysmic
15. 01:57 break some unbelievably allervasive allconsuming disruption in the formation of the self or the ego to use Freud's
16. 02:08 language something happens in early childhood that renders the child
17. 02:19 vacuous vacated render the child renders the child a shell which envelopes basically
18. 02:31 nothing what happens is a failure in maternal mirroring
19. 02:37 the child acquires a self the child becomes one's self the child acquires
20. 02:45 personhood separates and individuates by looking into the mother's eyes it is through the mother's gaze that the child comes to realize its
21. 02:57 own separateness and the mother's externality it is through the mother's
22. 03:04 interactions with the child and that's what I mean by by gaze through the mother's interaction with the child
23. 03:10 through the fact that the mother notices the child that the child is seen by the mother in the most profound sense it is through these dynamics that the child
24. 03:21 realizes that there's a world out there is able to create boundaries and then
25. 03:27 within the boundaries safely develop a self constellated and integrated and
26. 03:33 when this delicate fine-tuned process fails what we have left behind like so
27. 03:41 much detritus is the emptiness the paternal mirroring and
28. 03:47 genders the child's self as well it introduces the child to the world to
29. 03:53 reality the mirroring failure prevents the emergence of herself impairs reality
30. 04:00 testing and instead what the child does in a desperate attempt to compensate for this the child internalizes his or her mother and the internalized mother
31. 04:14 reflects the way that a child sees a mother any child sees any mother as
32. 04:20 perfect this perfect being she's godlike she's
33. 04:26 infallible she's omnipotent she's omniscient and of course this is exactly the false self the internalized idealized mother is a
34. 04:37 crucial component of the false self and the false self is comprised of an
35. 04:43 idealized counterfactual pseudo self an idealized
36. 04:49 object which is the counterfactual good mother and when you put the two together
37. 04:55 you get a totally idealized construct the false self all the bad objects the
38. 05:03 bad aspects of the self the bad aspects of the mother all of these are
39. 05:09 aggressively projected at least initially much later these elements in healthy people are re
40. 05:18 internalized and integrated in order to form a nuanced vision of other people
41. 05:24 and of reality there's a transition from a splitting defense all bad all good to
42. 05:31 a more subtle perception of how the world works and how other people's minds
43. 05:37 operate the theory of mind and internal working models crucially depend on the
44. 05:43 ability to get rid of the primit primitive infantile defense mechanism known as splitting
45. 05:51 when the mother's gaze fails when there's a mirroring failure when the
46. 05:57 mother is not sufficiently good not good enough then we have a situation where
47. 06:03 the child remains stuck at the splitting phase the child divides everything and everyone into all good and all bad all black and all white all right and all wrong and proceeds through life into
48. 06:15 adulthood exactly this way and then the false self becomes the
49. 06:22 repository of the all good all idealized parts the self the internalized mother
50. 06:29 other internal introjects and so on that's the false self the false self is unimpeachable omnipotent omniscient godlike perfectly
51. 06:40 good whereas the rest of the world is by
52. 06:46 definition inferior contemptable and all bad that includes the true self that
53. 06:55 includes ironically the narcissist himself the narcissist spends his entire
54. 07:01 life trying to pleate the false self trying to prove to the truth to the
55. 07:07 false self that he deserves it the false self is all good the
56. 07:13 narcissist is all bad the narcissist has an internalized bad object and he
57. 07:19 attempts or she attempts the narcissist throughout their lives attempt to prove
58. 07:25 to the false self that they are actually not all bad that they are worthy of
59. 07:31 integrating with the false self of merging with the false self of becoming the false self
60. 07:39 and so what's your role in all this i'm confining myself to uh an intimate partner in a romantic relationship but whatever I'm going to say henceforth applies equally to all
61. 07:55 the narcissist interpersonal relationships with friends colleagues neighbors you name it narcissist
62. 08:01 interact with the world in very rigid inflexible identical ways collectively
63. 08:07 known as the shared fantasy so what's your role your role is to regulate the
64. 08:14 narcissist you're an and and the borderline external regulation is a clinical feature of both narcissism and
65. 08:21 borderline your role as an external regulator requires you to absorb the
66. 08:29 narcissist dysregulation or the border lines dysregulation you're like a shock
67. 08:35 absorber deep inside the narcissist and deep inside the borderline there's tumult there's mayhem there's chaos
68. 08:44 which threatens to overwhelm the narcissist or the borderline and consume them alive destroy them drown them it is
69. 08:51 your role to act as an absorbent to absorb
70. 08:57 this to the the the narcissist and the borderline outsource this mayhem this
71. 09:04 chaos this tumult these recitissitudes these exigencies this discomfort this
72. 09:11 displeasure this egoistony they outsource all this they project it onto you they hand these and these rejected
73. 09:22 parts of themselves they hand them over to you in a process known as projection
74. 09:28 so you are there to absorb the dark side or the shadow side or the complex side
75. 09:36 or whatever you want to call it to absorb this penumbal side of the narcissist and the borderline you're there to assimilate this toxicity to take it away from the narcissist and borderline and of course it has an impact on you obviously it poisons you
76. 09:55 gradually you find yourself not only consumed by this dark foroding
77. 10:02 forbidding emptiness you find yourself becoming it suddenly you're hollowed
78. 10:09 from the inside suddenly there's howling winds in the corridors of what used to be your mind suddenly you're nothing but a mirror and a shattered one one at that
79. 10:24 many scholars of narcissism and borderline realized everything I've just
80. 10:30 said kov for example suggested that narcissists are stuck in early stages of
81. 10:36 self-development that they interact with people in archaic ways from that
82. 10:42 position of arrested development koh said that people to the narcissist and
83. 10:48 to the borderline by extension people are mere selfobjects self objects are extensions
84. 10:55 of the self figments of the self elements of the self they're fully internalized and
85. 11:02 assimilated the role of other people is to regulate the narcissist's self-esteem and to reduce his or her anxieties
86. 11:10 external regulation of effective correlates of the ups and down of daily
87. 11:16 downs of daily life other people are supposed to provide unconditional
88. 11:22 support sakur admiration attention total empathy attunement the same way a parent
89. 11:30 provides internal regulation to a child initially the child is externally regulated by the parent andre Green of Dead Mother Fame
90. 11:41 suggested in 2001 that there is something that he he call he he called
91. 11:48 death narcissism death like the opposite of life death narcissism or negative
92. 11:55 narcissism it is when the death drive paralyzes the self
93. 12:01 this creates void depletion emptiness a withdrawal of psychic energy cathexis
94. 12:08 and the what he called what Andre Green called the aspiration for nothing
95. 12:15 in other words self annihilation self- negation self-destruction the vanishing
96. 12:22 and dissipation and disappearance of the self are the driving motivations or
97. 12:29 driving energy driving force of the dead narcissist or the negative
98. 12:35 narcissist but I would venture to suggest that all narcissism is dead all
99. 12:42 narcissism is negative the narcissist seeks its own own annihilation and
100. 12:50 negation the narcissist wishes to vanish and disappear and reappear within the
101. 12:57 false self narcissism is about rejecting who you are for another version of you which
102. 13:05 have has never had never existed another version of you which is the exact opposite of you you're
103. 13:13 helpless this other version is omnipotent you're ignorant this other version is omniscient you are less than brilliant this other version is a genius the false
104. 13:24 self is a mirror image it's the exact opposite of of you as a narcissist the
105. 13:31 exact opposite of the narcissist the narcissist wants to eliminate and
106. 13:38 eradicate and obliterate himself in order to give himself the chance to become the false self to become that which he is not narcissism is not about
107. 13:50 becoming it's about unbecoming and in narcissism which is so
108. 13:58 death oriented narcissism is a death cult the narcissistic gratification in
109. 14:04 this state is achieved by frustrating the desire for the object
110. 14:10 disengagement striving towards death mental psychological and maybe
111. 14:18 physical there's an unconscious identification suggested grin with the
112. 14:24 dead mother a mother who is depressed emotionally unavailable selfish frustrating instrumentalizing
113. 14:31 parentifying overprotective and so on this kind of dysfunctional mother in his language dead mother metaphorically the child unconsciously identifies with her he needs this mother
114. 14:45 but she cannot be relied on she's not there for him he is not seen yet he
115. 14:51 cannot abandon this mother and this leads to a denial and a rejection of
116. 14:57 intimate or emotional relationships coupled with an internal sense of
117. 15:03 non-existence of absence of emptiness of
118. 15:09 deadness i would like to introduce to you this uh tome this book it's a bit old some of
119. 15:18 the information in it is a bit out of date but it's still very valid most of
120. 15:25 it is still valid and a wonderful read it's the handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder
121. 15:32 theoretical approaches empirical findings and treatments edited by one of the most preeminent
122. 15:40 authorities on narcissism Keith Campbell and by Joshua Joshua de Miller so I'm
123. 15:46 going to quote from from uh this book i'm going to read to you something that Ziggman Freud had said ziggman Freud
124. 15:55 suggested the the construct of ego ideal and this is how he defined the ego ideal
125. 16:02 the subject's narcissism said Freud makes its appearance
126. 16:08 displaced onto this new ideal ego which
127. 16:14 like the infantile ego finds itself possessed of every perfection that is of
128. 16:20 value what he projects before him as his ideal is the substitute for the lost narcissism of his childhood in which he
129. 16:31 was his own ideal so the ego ideal sounds a lot like the false
130. 16:39 self and where the false self could be subject to injury and to mortification
131. 16:47 and we could therefore say that the ego ideal is vulnerable to failure to defeat
132. 16:54 to mortification and to injury the ego ideal in my opinion is just another name
133. 17:01 for the false self and what Freud shockingly was implying is is that we
134. 17:08 all develop a false self healthy people learn to integrate it with the actual
135. 17:15 self there's a process of constellate constellating constellation of the ego ideal and it becomes a
136. 17:22 distant something standard benchmark to aspire to whereas
137. 17:28 narcissists do not have an ego and do not have a self and there's nothing to integrate with the ego ideal the ego
138. 17:35 ideal is the only thing left the only construct left standing and so it
139. 17:41 becomes the false self and the child merges with it freud suggested that
140. 17:47 vicissitudes in what he called self- reggard uh these vicissitude are the
141. 17:55 results of critical self-observations and self-reroach harsh inner criticism or
142. 18:02 self-criticism and this is accompanied by unattainable unrealistic goals and
143. 18:10 ideals another psychoanalyst much later Anton
144. 18:16 Chris suggested in 1990 and 1994 that unconscious or externalized
145. 18:23 self-criticism is a crucial clinical feature of narcissism the emptiness the void may be
146. 18:31 the outcomes of aciduluous corrosive harsh unforgiving uncompromising rigid
147. 18:42 re self-rejecting self-criticism and the relationship between this form of
148. 18:48 self-criticism and the super ego and super ego injunctions is a matter for
149. 18:54 debate because in the absence of a fully integrated and functional ego there's no super ego so these this harsh criticism
150. 19:05 self-criticism this obliterating and annihilating and self- negating self-hatred and self-loathing at the
151. 19:12 core of narcissism cannot be associated with the super ego they are disembodied they're
152. 19:18 like ghosts wandering the corridors of the narcissist mind destroying everything inside according to Anton Chris there's a discrepancy between
153. 19:29 entitlement and demandingness and underlying depletion and self-deprivation
154. 19:36 and this depletion and self-deprivation are rooted in this ongoing inexurable unstoppable uncontrollable and mostly unconscious dynamic of criticizing unto
155. 19:50 death self-destructive self rejection selfhatred self- negation self-criticism self-criticism
156. 20:01 contributes to the need to be special and confirmed and it underlies the shame
157. 20:07 and guilt for narcissistic failures and vulnerabilities the shame and guilt that gets buried and repressed deep inside
158. 20:15 this repository of toxic material that sometimes seeps to the surface in
159. 20:21 narcissistic motification or narcissistic injury ironically
160. 20:27 narcissistic motification was first described by who else ziggman Freud in 1938 much before Libby and others and in
161. 20:35 Freud's work narcissistic motification was the early injuries to the child's bing ego freud didn't take it a step further he did not suggest that these
162. 20:46 injuries could be traumatic to the point of not allowing the ego to constellate
163. 20:53 to integrate to become to emerge it didn't suggest this but it tends to reason if the injuries are sufficiently um sufficiently harsh sufficiently
164. 21:06 traumatic these kind of injuries can prevent the ego from ever functioning or ever
165. 21:12 becoming freud said that narcissistic modification is the shock when the child
166. 21:19 is faced with a discrepancy between endorsed or ideal views of the self and
167. 21:25 drastically contrasting realizations i in my work suggest that the mother's
168. 21:31 gaze is the first such trauma the realization that there's a world out
169. 21:38 there the the comprehension of the separateness and
170. 21:44 externality of the universe and mother in it they are very traumatic pos
171. 21:50 possibly the most traumatic event of all in one's personal history
172. 21:57 the emptiness is a result of failure failure in parental mirroring and
173. 22:04 failure in parental underinvestment underpresence absence or parental
174. 22:12 overinvestment and overpresence when the parent is too present overprotective
175. 22:19 spoiling pampering and so on this kind of par parent does not allow the child
176. 22:25 to separate and to become an individual does not allow the child to experience
177. 22:31 friction with peers and reality loss the main engines of personal growth and
178. 22:38 development i would like to read to you um would like to read to you an extended
179. 22:46 uh series of paragraphs from this book remember the handbook of narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder this is from the article the
180. 22:57 chapter authored by Ronstam roning is a Elsa Ronst is a major
181. 23:05 psychoanalyst a leading expert on narcissism she says "Narcissism has been
182. 23:11 assigned a significant self-protective and sustaining function like a psychic envelope of the self." She's quoting Solen 1998 normal narcissistic development of
183. 23:24 self-regard self-preservation assertion and proactive aggression sets the foundation for healthy entitlement empathy and desire for affiliation and
184. 23:35 creativity according to stone again in the anus in the miracle year of
185. 23:43 1998 stalaro in 1975 refers to several central functions
186. 23:49 of the self its continuity its coherence organization effect and self-esteem
187. 23:57 threats or injuries to any or all of these functions are narcissistic in as
188. 24:04 much as they interfere with self-p protection and cohesion or with sustaining perceptions
189. 24:10 of oneself these are associated with strong reactions these kind of injuries these
190. 24:16 kind of threats are associated with strong reactions especially aggression rage shame or withdrawal narcissistic
191. 24:25 rage was first described by Hines code the origin of this vulnerability says Ronstar stems from normal early developmental disruptions
192. 24:36 disappointments or rejections winnot in 1967 and 1971
193. 24:43 emphasized the importance of the sense of self as emerging and developing through the experience of being seen in
194. 24:50 the eyes of another the parent a mirroring of the self in the parents face that contributes to self-recognition and self-identification the forming and
195. 25:02 developing of a relation to the real object as a separate and external entity
196. 25:08 includes the challenge of leaving behind the object as a reflection or confirmation of the self as well as the gradual modification of the age appropriate omnipotent aspects of the self there's a lot of baggage to leave
197. 25:24 behind when one becomes an individual fully embedded in the world with intact
198. 25:30 reality testing ron continues "Such a real object the parental figures usually typically the mother such a real object
199. 25:41 can help to modify the grandio self into an integrated self with realistic
200. 25:47 ambitions and self-esteem and the ability to form mutual real object
201. 25:53 relationships various disruptions and distortions can happen when the child is missing the function of a structuring object that can be internalized to contain an experience of the self and of
202. 26:05 the other in other words the experience of a mother or a parent both narcissistic reactivity as well as the
203. 26:12 potential for narcissistic personality disorder occur kernburgg described in 1998 of
204. 26:20 course described gaze aversion in children who experience themselves as functions of the parents' needs or
205. 26:27 expectations what they have seen in the parents eyes these children is not a
206. 26:36 um um uh exactly what healthy children see so they uh they as far as Karnburg
207. 26:48 suggests I I would like to summarize this because it's a bit a bit long so what they have seen in the parents eyes is not a reflection that promotes their selfidentity but an image of a parental
208. 26:59 expectation that does not correspond to their own sense of self avoidance of eye
209. 27:05 contact serves in such cases a self-protective function kenberg also mentioned
210. 27:11 separation anxiety in children who experience having an impact on the parents self-esteem or self-regulation
211. 27:19 children who are instrumentalized or parentified that is these children exist
212. 27:25 in the service of the parent but not as an autonomous being the child is assigned power or ability that supports
213. 27:33 an illusion of his or her grandiosity perfection or invulnerability
214. 27:39 in both cases the self-development is compromised due to an imbalance between the external unrealistic assignment and the age appropriate needs for realistic
215. 27:50 self-reflection and self-evaluation also in adulthood the meaning of gaze seeing and being seen takes on a narcissistic function that
216. 28:01 can be either protective or devastating according to Steiner in 2006 experiences that oppose affront or threaten the individual self-esteem or
217. 28:14 notion of his or herself are specifically challenging although the word trauma has
218. 28:21 often been used intermittently with injury to define the accompanying narcissistic reactions a clarification
219. 28:28 of definitions is called for rosstein in 1980 considers primary
220. 28:34 narcissistic injuries in the separation individuation period as a
221. 28:40 predisposition for defensive and regressive mainly aggressive responses to narcissistic injuries later in life especially when facing challenging
222. 28:51 stages limitations and required adaptations loss of perfection and ideal
223. 28:57 self-state is especially challenging gerie in 2005 compares narcissistic injury or blow with a narcissistic consequences of
224. 29:08 trauma a blow causes defensive actions like splitting dissociation
225. 29:14 encapsulation or withdrawal into self-sufficiency as part of a self-protective effort a trauma on the
226. 29:21 other hand creates a hole an acute internal state that threatens the continuity coherence stability and well-being of the self that is the emptiness that Karnberg
227. 29:33 mentions the defensive narcissistic processes the narcissistic envelope that
228. 29:40 aims at organizing and understanding the traumatic experience is
229. 29:46 failing the psychoanalytic theory on trauma recognizes two types the real
230. 29:53 external trauma abuse terror or torture and the internal intracychic trauma that
231. 30:00 involves loss or distortions of ideals and meanings according to Maldonado in
232. 30:06 2006 the letter type is of specific importance for understanding the narcissistic personality
233. 30:13 in object relations terms the intracychic trauma is caused by a change in or loss of bond between the subject and a good object usually the mother on
234. 30:24 which the ideals are based the trauma causes damage or destruction of the
235. 30:30 idealized object as well as the idealized aspects of the self associated to this object maldonado suggests that the trauma is leaving an empty space where the idealized um um sorry where the idealized protective and supportive functions of
236. 30:51 the object previously had been so let me read it again i'm sorry I lost my my place maldonado suggests that the trauma is leaving an empty space where the idealized protective and supportive
237. 31:03 functions of the object the ideal object the mother have previously been anxiety
238. 31:09 overwhelms the ego and weakens or damages its ability to recognize and adopt trauma causes a false ego
239. 31:17 organization with specific efforts to handle the loss of ideals including various narcissistic strategies such as denial omnipotence invulnerability and
240. 31:28 limitlessness it also produces fantasies but the fantasies are separate from and do not correspond to the trauma through
241. 31:36 repetition compulsion there is a tendency especially when facing negative experiences to repeat a trauma in
242. 31:44 particular those aspects of the traumatic experience that could not be symbolized and could not be assigned a
243. 31:50 specific meaning in strong support of the drive theory Rosenfeld in 1971 suggested that libidinal thin-kinned narcissist
244. 32:02 represent the idealization of the self visav the good object and destructive
245. 32:09 thick skinned narcissism represents the idealization of the omnipotent destructive self
246. 32:16 kernburg in 2001 concurred with this and all these dynamics that I've just read
247. 32:22 to you all of them are recreated and reenacted within the shared fantasy with
248. 32:29 a substitute maternal object which happens to be you you go through all these phases
249. 32:37 again with a narcissist narcissist infantilizes himself becomes a child and
250. 32:43 you become his unconditionally loving and accepting mother you're put to the test narcissistic abuse and you if you survive if you stick around you get the
251. 32:55 job as I said Rosenfeld who has influenced
252. 33:01 Karnsburg work did describe a form of narcissism where the omnipotent
253. 33:07 destructive self is idealized there's a lot of self-destructiveness in
254. 33:13 narcissism it is your role to absorb this self-directed aggression
255. 33:19 internalized aggression this toxicity when it is externalized it is your role to regulate the narcissist's internal environment it is ro your role to act as a mother would provide regulation from the outside and it is ro your role to
256. 33:36 cope with a roller coaster of in internal psychonamics that create the
257. 33:43 borderline personality organization and the narcissist vicissitudes or oscillation between elation the oceanic feeling and collapse
258. 33:55 between grandiosity and an overt in an overt state and despotence despair and
259. 34:03 self-hatred and possible suicidality in covert narcissism
260. 34:12 stler said that the function of narcissism uh all types of narcissism as a
261. 34:19 developmental line as object choice as self-esteem regulation he says all narcissism has a ma a few main critical
262. 34:28 functions to maintain the structural cohesiveness I'm quoting from his work to maintain the structural cohesiveness temporal stability and positive effective coloring of the self
263. 34:40 representation Mner in 2008 had developed a completely
264. 34:47 different view he said narcissism is motivational it aims at affecting the
265. 34:53 evolution of self-organization in other words the main purpose of narcissism is
266. 35:00 to motivate the narcissist to maintain self-esteem to regulate a sense of
267. 35:06 self-worth to uh to engage in self-preserving behaviors self to
268. 35:12 maintain self-coh to take care of self- valuation the self he said is a primary
269. 35:20 object of narcissistic motivational investment now I'd like to read to you
270. 35:26 something about Misner from Ronstam article in in the
271. 35:32 book misner she says has strongly objected to the concept of narcissism
272. 35:38 derived from drive theory and here is what he had to say when the self system is reasonably well organized and adaptively functioning the
273. 35:49 narcissistic investments tend to be correspondingly well modulated and do not give rise to pathological distortions it is only when failures and defects in the self system are operative
274. 36:02 that the pathological vicissitudes of narcissism hold sway
275. 36:08 and so there's a debate as you see in psychology whether narcissism is a kind
276. 36:15 of energy motivational attitudinal energy or a structural defect for
277. 36:23 example um a replacement of the real self what should have been a real self
278. 36:29 and representations of others with a false self which is idealized and with
279. 36:36 idealized counterfactual representations of others let's see what Rosenfeld who again I mentioned has had a an inordinate effect on Kernberg's work
280. 36:48 let's see what Rosenfeld has to say rosenfeld in 1963 argued against Freud's stand and introduced the narcissistic omnipotent
281. 37:00 object relation indicating the presence of a different type of object relatedness or
282. 37:08 relativeness rosenfeld in 1987 wrote the patient identifies by projection or introjection with the object in some in this case the
283. 37:19 therapist to the extent that he feels he is the object and the object is himself
284. 37:26 and that's exactly what the narcissist does to you he snapshots you he converts
285. 37:32 you in into an internal object and of course he owns he is the internal object
286. 37:38 by virtue of being internal The object is part of who the narcissist is your separateness and externality are abolished in this process you're no
287. 37:50 longer an external object you're just a figment or a prop in the narcissist's inner theater
288. 37:58 rosenber Rosenfeld I'm sorry further suggested that narcissistic omnipotent
289. 38:04 object relations are partly defensive against the recognition of separateness of self and object such modes of relating obiate the aggressive and
290. 38:15 ambivalent feelings aroused by frustration as well as any awareness of envious or aggressive feelings i
291. 38:22 disagree with this part in Rosenfeld's work i think aggression and envy remain
292. 38:28 fully conscious and in many many cases are externalized either directly or
293. 38:34 passive aggressively negativistically um Rosenfeld's work
294. 38:40 says Ronto is especially relevant for understanding the intolerance of dependency and the role of envy in
295. 38:47 narcissistic people rosenfeld suggested that dependency makes the narcissistic person feel vulnerable to pain and separation the aggressive grandio self
296. 38:58 on the other hand serves a serves a protective function good qualities in other people evoke a sense of humiliation and inferiority and feelings of envy are warded off by devaluing or
297. 39:11 avoiding such people or by trying to destroy whatever good comes from them in order to protect self-esteem and maintain superiority kberg elaborated a bit on
298. 39:24 this kberg says Roning Stam in her article outlines three areas in which
299. 39:31 narcissistic character traits can be manifested pathological self-love
300. 39:38 expressed in grandiosity superiority omnipotence emotional shallowess and a
301. 39:44 discrepancy between exaggerated talents and ambitions and actual capacity and
302. 39:50 achievements pathological object love characterized by envy and devaluation of others
303. 39:56 exploitative behavior lack of empathy and inability to depend on other people
304. 40:02 and super ego pathology expressed an inability to experience depression
305. 40:08 inability to experience depression because there's no feeling of being narcissist is not there so who would
306. 40:15 experience a depression yeah so inability to experience depression severe mood swings shame regulated self-esteem and superficial or self-serving values in addition the
307. 40:28 unintegrated sadistic super ego can cause harsh sadistic self attacks that
308. 40:34 often are projected and perceived as external attacks from others kovut begged to differ in some
309. 40:43 respects hines quote i'm continuing to read from Ron Stum's article in the handbook of
310. 40:49 narcissism and narcissistic personality disorders according to quote says
311. 40:55 Ronston empathic failures lead to developmental arrests a failure to
312. 41:01 integrate and neutralize the normal grandio exhibitionistic self in the normal transformation of narcissism
313. 41:08 parents insufficient or unre or unreliable ability to mirror the child
314. 41:14 lead to the insufficient integration either splitting or repression of grandio exhibitionistic needs and a
315. 41:22 fragmented and vulnerable sense of self with low self-esteem in the arrested
316. 41:28 state the narcissistic individual is left searching for such mirroring and idealized self objects in other people and that is where you come in his mother
317. 41:40 substitute or her mother substitute yes it applies to women as well they're also looking for a mother substitute not for a father substitute it's a common mistake by self-styled experts online
318. 41:52 who else together with Wolf continues Ronstein together with Wolf in
319. 41:59 1978 Kernburg outlined five narcissistic personality types that represent various
320. 42:06 ways in which the individual is managing to balance or protect self-esteem and sustain self-cohisiveness fight off the
321. 42:17 emptiness these types are number one the mirror hungry seeking admiration from
322. 42:24 others type of narcissist number two the ideal hungry narcissist seeking others to idealize number three the alter ego narcissist seeking relationships with
323. 42:35 others as selfobjects confirming confirming themselves number four the
324. 42:42 merger hungry seeking to control others to maintain structure and number five the contact shunning who avoids others to maintain control of themselves and of
325. 42:53 their deep need for others and finally I would like to read to you something about
326. 43:00 Fiscalini fiscalini did a lot of work in the interpersonal relational school and
327. 43:07 interubjectivity school of psychology and here is what Ron Stam has to say about his contribution but not before I drink
328. 43:18 something it's water not vodka warning stump fiscalini identify
329. 43:25 two types of narcissism a defensive characterological type similar to
330. 43:31 self-centered centeredness that represent a mal development caused by experiences of interpersonal shaming and spoiling and or spoiling shaming or
331. 43:43 spoiling lead to the same characterological problem characterological defect or dysfunction
332. 43:50 according to Fiscalini a defensive type and an archaic developmental
333. 43:58 narcissism the second type that is more natural and representing early
334. 44:04 interpersonal needs fiscalini also identified a set of clinical features features that form a
335. 44:12 core narcissistic constellation self-centeredness and lack of empathy
336. 44:19 grandiosity cyclic contempt and idealization of self and others
337. 44:25 thick-headedness psychological inaccessibility thin skinnedness abnormal vulnerability entitlement other directedness search for admiration
338. 44:36 approval attention and acceptance and power orientation of striving for control and coerciveness narcissism according to Fiscalini is a
339. 44:47 way of protecting a fragile and narcissistically injured interpersonal self and it is formed in the
340. 44:53 interpersonal interaction between parent and child mostly the mother fiscalini
341. 44:59 suggested five developmental patterns that diverge from healthy narcissistic develop and that represent
342. 45:07 interactional vicissitudes of needs and desires that is the shamed child the
343. 45:14 spoiled child the special child the spurned rejected child and the seduced
344. 45:21 child interactive patterns between defensive narcissism injured pride and or narcissism representing developmental deficits due to unmet needs the wounded
345. 45:32 need these interactions are very common and I may add that we find them in all
346. 45:38 narcissists combined all narcissists are both overt and covert both vulnerable and grandio both
347. 45:47 fragile and um false self-oriented all narcissists contain
348. 45:55 all these aspects dimensions and manifestations the taxonomy that has emerged especially in the late 80s or in the 80s today seems less and less correct
349. 46:10 and possibly in the future the separate diagnosis of covert narcissism is going
350. 46:16 to disappear into the black hole that all of narcissism is