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1. 00:14 all right you're recording both of you you like that hey keep this part in by the way on your end keep this party in i keep the whole structure i have no ro no I like it i like it everybody I want everybody to know I am honored to get Sam again in the morning and uh I had a
2. 00:30 nice brief conversation about how much uh I I adore him and uh I'm going to going to build an entire wing for the studio dedicated to you Sam because I got to YouTube that's a good one that's a good one i like that my daughter's going to love that part so you're going to keep that
3. 00:51 uh the reason why I would say that to you is because we came to YouTube after the Instagram uh interview we did with you and uh we came to YouTube and didn't know that your video was going to be the number one video on YouTube for the past four years so it's been amazing and a
4. 01:06 lot of uh people have found you and uh they've been excited i think I reached out to you once because somebody was hounding us how can I get a hold of Sam and I was like okay they could just look you up on Google you right i was like and then I had to finally answer them
5. 01:20 and I think I reached out to you uh to tell you that they're we need Sam in their life uh I appreciate you doing this i I've got a number of things I want to start out with but I'm going to pick one this is the one that I want to pick uh a number of people have reached
6. 01:34 out to us of a younger generation uh and they have never heard of your book before and so could you kind of give an overview of the benefits of your book because a lot of people have books out there and the reason that I excited to have you is because I can always count
7. 01:54 on you to be honest and tell the truth about narcissists i'm not calling everybody else a liar so don't send me no hate mail give us the truth about narcissism and what your book provides for the community and for the world no I thank you for the for the plug but
8. 02:09 I my book is malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited it's the first book ever written about narcissistic abuse i was the first to describe narcissistic abuse in the in the '90s um starting in the 80s actually so it's a bit of a pioneering book but it's now in its 10th
9. 02:27 edition and it includes basically all the language that everyone is using today it's the It's the mothership of the autological mastism i've never I've never thought about using that but now that you said it I'm going to use it in my advertising for for this the
10. 02:44 mothership i love the way you said that i love that um historically speaking it's the first book ever written about the topic and Potenia is the only book ever written about this topic and then you know there was other people adopted the language then they adopted the
11. 02:59 message in the book the message in the book is basically that if you have a narcissist in your life the only viable strategy is no contact and another innovation in the book because up to that point mental health practitioners and professionals were recommending reconciliation
12. 03:16 they were recommending compromise they were recommending negotiation they recommending you know period of cooling off and everything which is absolutely the wrong advice in the case of Nazarism so this book is a pioneering thing and um over the years I've been doing I'm in
13. 03:35 this racket for 30 years been doing it for 30 years okay and so over the years you surprised me by saying it's a racket because I I have a question from a viewer that he uses that same word but go ahead well it's a it's a cottage industry in the best case and a racket
14. 03:51 in the worst case got it got it yeah the vast majority of of people online who are self-proclaimed experts on narcissism they lack the credentials they've contributed nothing to the field they've never been involved in the field and I'm talking about
15. 04:06 people with academic degrees with PhDs and psychology and so on so forth people don't realize that if you have a PhD in psychology doesn't mean that you're an expert on narcissism so for example I'm a professor of psychology but I'm not an expert on on
16. 04:22 schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or whatever i'm not an expert on everything i'm an expert on cluster B personality disorders psychology is a vast field so you have all these charlatans and dilitants and con artists and so on so forth and they are peddling
17. 04:38 misinformation and worse they keep people in victimhood in a victimhood state so that they can milk them laughing all the way to the bank you know it's a sponging operation right right so it's really bad out there the the scene is is highly contaminated and
18. 04:56 adulterated and when I started of course I was alone for 10 years and then other people joined but these were sincere people initially in the first 101 15 years of of the field people were sincere they really wanted to learn and so the these are rep reputable people
19. 05:12 that were sincere you're saying yeah I don't know I don't know about reput but they were they were honest It's really they really wanted to learn and they wanted to help other people and so on there was no money involved everyone did everything free of charge after this
20. 05:25 very day i do not charge for my seminars and lectures they're free of charge for my for my videos i do not charge for my books they're available free of charge if you if you want to buy them on Amazon on Amazon then you know well of course yes right correct but if you
21. 05:41 don't they're available online i there was an ethos in the first 1015 years that this kind of education should be free of charge because people are in distress people are suffering and no one would have imagined at that time to make money out of this you know
22. 05:59 and now the the field is flooded with with people who are just into money and nothing else except money i had a curiosity um you're hitting a lot of points i know I talked to you before we hit record and it took me forever to actually do record uh on Zoom um
23. 06:19 we we happened to that last time also by the way um how does that make you feel or what are and hearing your thoughts on it is this a disgusting type of behavior that you're seeing from people who are taking advantage keeping people stuck in victimhood i'm angry very angry
24. 06:41 this this whole thing is my brainchild basically I've in I invented 90% of the language in use today I was the first to describe narcissistic abuse and everything and I gave it all free and I had hoped that many people would join me and become a global movement and would
25. 06:57 be would be helping billions of people you know money never entered the I I I never thought about money and neither did anyone else and then there are all these parasites and and freeloaders and con artists and dilitants and charlatans and they're all
26. 07:16 self-proclaimed experts overnight zero credentials and they're making a fortune and they are damaging people they're hurting people they're revictimizing and retraumatizing people can we spend a moment just on that statement you mentioned there the last
27. 07:32 part because again as I told you before when we first started we just put people on we showcase people to help people just for free just put that out there we don't make up the content but people come back to us and mention what you just said i'm not in your field but I hear a lot
28. 07:52 of stories of people who have lost a lot of money this seminar that thing that coaching pro coaching program you know what I mean we touched on a little bit the first time we did a show but it it's a reoccurring theme people need to be aware of that but they're hurting
29. 08:13 so today if you can what are some top tier things they need to be aware of when they're out there surfing the web looking for someone you know there's a lot of flash there's a lot of bang there's a lot of "Wow they must have the answer." What should they be aware of
30. 08:30 when they're out there looking to heal rebuild people are suffering they are desperate there's nothing like narcissistic abuse which is the reason I coined the phrase narcissistic abuse because nothing compares to it no other type of abuse comes remotely close to
31. 08:45 narcissistic abuse none it's in it's in its own category wouldn't you say it's its own Yeah narcissistic abuse is about visiating you about neg about taking away your essence what used to be called the soul right right it's about It's about deanimating you it's
32. 09:04 about making sure objectifying you it's about It's so It takes away your agency your personal autonomy your independence your critical thinking your ability to gauge reality reality testing mhm it embeds you in in a fantasy which starts as utopian and ends ends up being
33. 09:22 dystopian it's a it's um it's a terrifying ordeal it's a concentration camp of the soul and it's um and you you get infected as a victim you get infected you start to develop narcissistic behaviors and psychopathic thinking you start to pick up what
34. 09:41 they're doing to you and it's like residue that attaches to our own character it's contagious simply if you if you're trying to cope with a narcissist the only way you can survive is by becoming a narcissist there's no other way yeah if you go if you don't
35. 09:58 leave you're going to become one of them yeah exposure to exposure to narcissism has been measured in laboratories exposure to as minimal as 3 seconds that is studies by 3 seconds 3 seconds studies by Lombardi in Harvard University exposure to narcissist
36. 10:21 vicariously via via films movies videos via emails exposure of 30 seconds to narcissist 30 seconds 30 seconds via email or by watching a video is sufficient to cause um mental damage at the very least it creates an extreme sense of unease and discomfort known as
37. 10:44 the uncanny value reaction the uncanny value reaction okay because they have a way of capturing our mindset is that what you say even in that short period of time they're affecting our mind they're predators and you're preigating
38. 11:07 right is capable of evaluating all the relevant parameters of an antelope within a split second mhm an a narcissist is able to evaluate your vulnerabilities and weaknesses and attack vectors and penetration chinks in your armor everything within seconds split seconds and then the
39. 11:26 narcissist becomes a predator and you have these primordial atavistic instincts evolutionary instincts as an animal to spot preot predators we're all animals so we spot predators i get what you're saying right yeah I see immediately react we react to the
40. 11:47 presence of predators immediately and so even an exposure of 3 to 30 seconds has an adverse adverse impact on people but if we can pick or pick up on that and sense that how do we still become prey well to become prey you need to be prey like antelopes are prey by definition
41. 12:10 they can't become I see okay giraffes or elephants right right so in order to become prey there's probably a confluence of personal biography traits specific traits experience life experience conditioning and so forth which render you vulnerable to the
42. 12:31 predation to the predation of the narcissist of a narcissist before you ever ever meet that narcissist for 3 seconds or 30 seconds there's a culmination of circumstances and situations that led up to that and by the way you're likely to have grown up
43. 12:44 in a dysfunctional family you're likely to have suffered some kind of love deficit either you were either either you were neglected and abandoned and everything or or the very contrary you were spoiled and pampered and so on but as an object kind of a a toy a trophy whatever the
44. 13:03 case right trophy or whatever or or you or you went through what we call adverse childhood experiences ACEs so you've you've witnessed domestic violence and and or you are you have a genetic hereditary predisposition for example the tendency to develop borderline
45. 13:24 personality disorder or depend or dependent personality disorder so you you're mentally ill equipped to deal with the narcissist and but there is some predisposition and the ground there's a fertile ground ready for the narcissist there but even completely healthy people fall
46. 13:43 prey to the narcissist because the narcissist offers you entices you baits you and lures you into a fantasy that is essentially a second childhood it's a second chance at a second childhood as an adult as an adult they have recognized to be able to bait you
47. 14:04 because you are going to go through this second childhood where everything feels good you you feel everything is going to be good but it's all a part of them recognizing your prey freud called it the oceanic feeling oceanic feeling okay the oceanic feeling the the narcissist
48. 14:21 essentially provides you with a maternal function he offers you for example unconditional love the narcissist idealizes you the way a mother idealizes her newborn so there is this offer on the table if you agree to become dependent and submissive if you agree to suspend
49. 14:42 critical judgment and your agency I'm going to be your mother and I'm going to be a perfect mother got it i'm going to love you unconditionally i'm going to idealize you and I'm going to grant you access to the idealized version of you through my gaze got it this is
50. 14:58 irresistible it's an irresistible proposition and so even healthy people fall prey and so the shared fantasy the Narosist shared fantasy this this um