My name is Sam Vaknin, I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.
If you are married to a narcissist, or are in an intimate relationship with one, my unequivocal advice is, count your losses, count your blessings, get away, maintain a no-contact policy.
But if you can’t live without him, if you insist on staying with him, then I have a few bits of advice for you.
First of all, never disagree with the narcissist or contradict him. Never offer him any real intimacy.
Narcissists are scared of intimacy. They will withdraw. Look awed by whatever attribute matters to him. Admire him for his professional achievements, for his good looks, or even for his success with women.
Never remind him of life out there, and if you do, connect it somehow to his sense of grandiosity and uniqueness.
Do not make any comment, which might directly or indirectly impinge on his self-image, omnipotence, judgment, omniscience, skills, capabilities, professional record, or even omnipresence.
Listen attentively to everything the narcissist says, and agree with it all. Don’t believe a word of it, but let it slide as if everything is just fine, business as usual.
Personally, offer something absolutely unique to the narcissist, which he cannot obtain anywhere else. Be prepared to line up future sources of narcissistic supply for your narcissist, because you will not be it for very long.
If you take over the procuring function for the narcissist, if you’re in charge of obtaining narcissistic supply, the narcissist becomes that much more dependent on you, which makes it a bit easier for you and a bit tougher for him to pull his haughty stuff or to abandon you.
Be endlessly patient, and go way out of your way to be accommodating, thus keeping the narcissistic supply flowing liberally and keeping the piss, relatively speaking. Be endlessly giving.
This one may not be attractive to you, but it’s a take it or leave it proposition. Narcissists take, they don’t give, that’s who and what they are.
Be absolutely, emotionally, and financially independent of your narcissist. Take what you need, the excitement, the engulfment, and refuse to get upset or hurt when the narcissist does or says something dumb, rude, or insensitive. Yelling back works relatively well, but should be reserved for special occasions when you fear that your narcissist may be on the verge of leaving you.
The silent treatment is a better option as an ordinary response, but it must be carried out without any emotional content. More with the air of boredom, offhandedly, like I’ll talk to you later when I’m good and ready and when you are behaving in a more reasonable fashion.
Remember, your narcissist is a spoiled brat. Treat him as such. If your narcissist is cerebral and not interested in having sex, then give yourself permission to have sex with other people.
But remember, your cerebral narcissist will not be indifferent to your infidelity, so maintain discretion and secrecy.
But still, you cannot be expected to live an asexual life without sex. If your narcissist, on the other hand, is somatic and you don’t comply with his wishes for you to join in threesomes or in group sex, there may be repercussions.
The narcissist demands that you accept his lovers and his varied and kinky sex life. Either you do or you don’t. It’s up to you.
But in any case, make sure that the narcissist chooses properly. Narcissists are heedless and very undiscriminating in respect to sexual partners, and that can be very problematic.
Sexually transmitted disorders and blackmail come to mind. If you are a fixer, then focus on fixing situations before they become situations. Don’t, for one moment, delude yourself that you can fix the narcissist.
This simply will not happen. It’s not because narcissists are stubborn and won’t listen to you, but simply they cannot be fixed.
If there is any fixing that can be done, it is to help your narcissist become aware of his condition.
And this is very important.
Don’t do it with negative implications or accusations.
Living with a narcissist is like living with a physically handicapped person and being able to discuss calmly and unemotionally and constructively what the limitations and the benefits of the handicap are and how the two of you can work with these factors rather than trying to change them or working against them.
Most importantly, I think, is know yourself.
What are you getting from the relationship? Are you a masochist? Are you a codependent? Why is this relationship attractive and interesting to you?
Define for yourself what good and beneficial things you believe you are receiving in this relationship. Define the things that you find powerful to you.
Develop strategies to minimize the harm to yourself. Don’t expect that you will cognitively be able to reason with the narcissist to change who they are.
You may have some limited success in getting your narcissist to tone down or to modify his behavior, the more harmful one.
Anything that affects you, you can try to ask your narcissist to change, but it’s a pretty fruitless and futile effort.
Even the minimum changes that can be introduced into the behavioral narcissist can be accomplished only in a very trusting, frank, open and holding relationship.
But as I said, don’t be an optimist in this sense.
Look after yourself. Be your best friend, no face.
