Abusive Relationship

And many of them describe internal dynamics as a reason to stay.

For example, many people say, I’m staying because he’s really trying. He says sorry all the time. He recognizes his past mistakes, actions and behaviors. He apologizes. He says he will make it up to me. So he’s really trying kind of.

Well, breaking news, saying sorry is the easy part. And many actions are not mistakes, but choices.

So some actions and behaviors, they can’t be swept away by a convincing apology. You need not accept an apology as a substitute for appropriate, respectful behavior. If he keeps wounding you and injuring you and hurting you and abusing you on a regular basis, you could safely ignore his apologies. He doesn’t mean them. It’s just a speech act. It’s perfunctory.

So the root of a problem is his behavior. Don’t pay attention to what he says. Pay attention to what he does and how he acts. Apologies, feeling sorry, promises. They are not the guarantors of a stable and happy relationship.

Things like: I promise I will change. We can go to counseling this time. I will do this or I will do that. Don’t let it affect your decision. These are hollow words in the vast majority of cases. You have to base your decision on facts and actions, not on apologies and promises. Words come cheap. The BS talks.

And so promises and apologies are an integral part of a phenomenon widely known erroneously as gaslighting.

Now, there’s been this recent article in the Washington Post about gaslighting and I’ll dedicate a separate video to it because it supports everything I had been saying about gaslighting for years now.

Gaslighting is a highly structured, well-defined phenomenon, behavior in academic settings, in the clinical settings. And the word had been abused by self-styled experts online massively.

But if the apologies and the promises are intended to skew your perception of reality, then they do constitute gaslighting.

Gradually, you come to consider yourself as unlovable, as unworthy of love.

In arguments with your intimate partner, pay attention to what he’s saying. If he is trying to imply that you are the cause, the exclusive cause of all the problems in your relationship, if he’s saying that you’re not doing enough or that you’re doing too much, if he puts the blame on you squarely and fully and unequivocally and only you, he’s gaslighting you.

Why? Because it’s never true. It’s never real. Anything that drives you away from reality and makes you doubt your judgment from a position of authority, anything like that is a form of gaslighting.

It undermines your reality testing, your self-esteem, your failing relationship, anyhow makes you feel that something is wrong with you, especially people with autoplastic defenses, people who tend to blame themselves for things going wrong, people who tend to assume responsibility and to people who try to please others.

In any case, a failure is an injury, a challenge to self-esteem. You don’t need your intimate partner to add to this, to add to this by constantly telling you that something is wrong with you. Such a partner is not your friend. He’s not your friend and he may not deserve whatever love you may be giving him, whatever support and help. He may not deserve your presence in his life.

And so some of you say I’m staying in the relationship because I’ve invested so much in it.

This is known as the sunk cost fallacy. The sunk cost fallacy is a well-known phenomenon in gambling and in stock investing. Gamblers put money on the table, they lose it and they say, well, I’m going to double my bet and I’m going to get all my money back.

Similarly, people who invest in stocks and the stock tanks, the price collapses, they buy more of the stock and they say, well, now I’ve averaged the purchase price, lowered the purchase price. So my chances of coming out on top and making a profit are much higher.

That’s nonsense. That’s the sunk cost fallacy. You never throw bad money after good money.

You fail. The only thing to do rationally is to cut your losses, so that you had been together for a long time, that you have invested in him and in you and in your togetherness doesn’t mean that you should not walk away.

If your relationship seems doomed to fail, don’t let your past investment blind you or disorient you or misdirect you. Nothing is lost. Everything you’ve been through, everything you’ve gone through, everything you’ve invested in, you ripped the dividends. And these dividends are known as experience. It’s a learning opportunity.

So don’t mourn and lament the past. You’ve learned, you’ve evolved, you’ve grown up, you’ve become more of an adult.

There’s no price. It’s priceless.

You’ve done the right thing. You’ve done the right thing. You’ve spent your time usefully and you’ve been shaping your life. Relationships are a prime way of shaping yourself and your life.

But staying together because you’ve been together, that’s nonsensical. That’s nonsensical.

If the relationship is bad, dysfunctional, abusive, any minute spent there is a minute wasted. You are just adding to the cost and you’re sinking deeper. That’s why it’s the sunk cost fallacy.

So your relationship is limping along. Give it the coup de gras. Just get rid of it. Break free and do not feel guilty.

You don’t owe anyone to be his hostage. You don’t owe him to be his hostage. You’re not a prisoner. This is not a hostage exchange or negotiation. This is not a ransom situation. You’ve given all you could. He has taken all he could. He had given all he could, however limited.

And one of the things he had been giving you is perhaps abuse because that’s what he does. That’s who he is. Whichever the case may be, cut loose, put an end to it. Don’t look back. Looking back is dangerous because you don’t see the road ahead and you may end up in an accident. So don’t look back. Look forward.

And a close cousin of the sunk cost fallacy is the future cost fallacy.

It’s like you’re saying, oh my God, if I leave him now, if I break up, I would have to move. I would have to leave my home. I would have to find a new place. I’d have to furnish it. I’d have to decorate it. And this would take, like, ages and it’ll be extremely uncomfortable, et cetera, et cetera.

Yes, you’re right about all this, but it’s a future cost fallacy. Everything comes with a cost.

There is the cost of moving and refurbishing and furnishing and decorating.

That’s one cost, and there is a cost of staying in a relationship where you are unhappy, unhappy daily, where you are sobbing in your room, where you have no sex, where you hate yourself and the men with you and your intimate partner and where things are moving nowhere, going nowhere fast. That’s also a cost.

Now, which of these two I ask you is the higher cost?

It’s a no brainer.

And then you say, okay, another type of cost is that I have to date. And the dating world is a cesspool, especially now with dating apps and with men’s propensity for casual sex. I mean, they are not interested in commitment and investment. They just want to have casual sex one night stands and move on to the next woman.

And if you’re a man, you complain about women that they are bossy and they are aggressive and they are disloyal and they are gold diggers, opportunistic and manipulative.

I mean, the genders, it’s not a good place nowadays, not a good time. There’s a gender war. The genders dislike each other intensely. And I’m using the understatement of the year.

The dating scene nowadays is intimidating. It’s painful. It’s dangerous. And if you’re able to avoid it, best avoid it, best shun it, best not date. Absolutely.

But again, it’s a question of cost versus cost. Getting back on the dating scene is not easy, especially if you have kids, especially if you’re divorced, we just got out of a long term, very traumatizing relationship. And especially if you’re above the age of over 18, because studies show that the attractiveness of women declines precipitously after age 18, shockingly.

So it’s difficult. It’s difficult to date and best avoided.

But the alternative also has a cost. Everything is a cost opportunity thing, cost reward.

The alternative is to stay in a relationship, which is the equivalent of a cemetery and renders you a corpse, a zombie.

Do you want to live this way? Do you want to be dead inside for the rest of your life? Isn’t dating the lesser evil, a lesser risk?

And no, you don’t have to rush. You don’t have to rush into dating, into relationships, into monogamy. You can play the field for a while. You can meet different people, no pressure, set no goals, see how it goes.

It may not go. I’m not lying to you. The chances are 50-50. And after a certain age, the chances are actually 80-20 that you will remain single, that you will not find another intimate partner.

But my view is better to not have an intimate partner, better to be single and alone for life than to be in an abusive relationship. And that is true.

Even if you consider your partner to be a great catch, like he’s perfect, he’s good looking, he has a great career, he’s a provider, he makes a fortune, he buys me nice stuff, he’s seductive.

These are superficial things. These are superficial things.

You can’t build a solid relationship on this kind of quality, some of them transient. He is a great catch on paper. Or he may be even a great catch, some other partner.

But not for you. You’re not happy with him. He’s abusing you. You’re at each other’s throats. The situation gets worse by the day. You may be cheating on each other. You may be adversely affecting the health and well-being of your children.

So what if he looks good? So what if he has millions in the back? So what if he buys you a Ferrari every time he beats you to a pulp? I’ve seen such cases. These are not the criteria for a relationship.

You may redefine yourself as a sugar baby or a gold digger and then embark on a transactional arrangement with a gentleman of means. He supports you, a kept woman, you, maybe your children, and you provide him with services, including sex. Usually there’s a name for that. But you know, I’m not judging anyone. It’s a possible arrangement and many, many women end up being exactly that in today’s world where men are interested mainly and lately only in sex.

So don’t remain in a relationship because you think you can do no better and your partner is a great catch. Some people are inert. They prefer stability to any change, even a change for the better. They feel safe in a comfort zone. This comfort zone could include domestic violence even. Life threatening domestic violence, but it’s a comfort zone. Why? Because it’s predictable. It’s stable.

Some people are infantile, Peter Pans in the case of men, childlike waifs in the case of borderlines, damsels in distress. These people look for mother figures, father figures, rescuers, fixers, saviors, and messiahs. You tend to be a bit immature or impractical with your head in the clouds. Your partner is the rock. You can rely on your partner 1000%.

That‘s actually an excellent reason to break up. An excellent reason to break up because he is retarding your growth. He is encouraging your immaturity. He wants you to be dependent on him. He’s taking care of you as if you were a child because he wants you to remain a child.

This is the shared fantasy with the narcissists. This is my concept of dual mothering or dual mothership, where both of you play mother to each other. You’re not allowing each other to grow, to evolve, to mature, to become grownups and adults.

And so instead of stagnating in a regressive infantile phase for the rest of your life, how about working on yourself, trying to render yourself an independent adult, and then trying again with someone else who won’t fall for the trap of, okay, I will be your father, okay, I will be your mother. Someone who would insist that you have boundaries, self-love, self-respect, and that you act as a mature grownup with all the chores and responsibilities attendant upon such a status, chronological status, and more importantly, psychological status.

So if your intimate partner child defies you and you parentify him, that’s definitely a red flag and an excellent reason to exit the relationship.

What about if he bribes you? What if he gives you all the creature comforts? He gives you a car? He gives you an amazing home. You go on vacations in the most exotic places. You frequent the Michelin three-star restaurants all the time.

Can you devolve from luxury hotels to hovels? Can you survive on a tight budget when prior to that you had a blank check? Can you wean yourself off his addictive largess?

These are not reasons to stay together. If you’re bribed, you’re corrupted, and if you’re corrupted, you end badly, exactly like in government.

So when you think about being single again, put aside your current lifestyle, the material goods you have access to.

Anyhow, in his mind, these things don’t belong to you. These things are his. You will see when you negotiate the divorce.

So you’re living on borrowed time. You’re given access to these things like a lease. You’re renting these creature comforts. They’re not yours.

But even if they were yours, are they worth sacrificing your peace of mind, your happiness, your tranquility, your resilience, your integrity, your decency? Are these sacrifices worth it just to be able to drive a Porsche or a Lamborghini or to go on vacation on the Riviera?

These are alluring things. These are seductive things. I know. I’ve had personal experience of all these things, but they‘re not worth it. I’ve given up on them personally.

Same goes when you talk about your abode. Incredibly, people say, I’m not divorcing him because I want to keep the house. I’ve invested in this house. The interior design and decoration of mine, all my fantasies and dreams are there. I got used to this place of residence.

People place significant sentimental value on their homes, and they don’t want to leave. They won’t even consider leaving their homes.

It’s not only a question of affording something comparable. Even rich people sometimes refuse to leave a physical location, a home. And it’s because a home symbolizes the womb, safety, tranquility, stability, all the values that we so cherish. It’s a safe base.

People refuse to give up because they feel themselves at home. They feel comfortable. They don’t have to act. There’s no persona.

But in a home with an abusive partner, you do have to act. You can’t be yourself. You constantly walk on eggshells.

Why would you do that? And in which sense is this a home? You can’t have a home with an abuser. You can have a shelter. It’s a domestic violence shelter, maybe, or a verbal abuse shelter. It’s not a home. It feels temporary and transient. It feels unsafe. The foundations are shaking and trembling. It’s the epicenter of a constant earthquake, the earthquake which reifies your relationship.

You stay in a relationship to keep your dream home when actually it had long become a nightmare. It’s the same if you stay in a relationship for money, it’s the same thing exactly. No one is disputing the fact that divorced people are worse off economically, both men and women, worse off economically than married people or people in a committed cohabiting relationship. A breakup is going to have a massive impact on your pocketbook.

LINK to the Video