The covert narcissist is on the hunt. The covert narcissist is hunting for a source of narcissistic supply, however by proxy and vicariously on the one hand.

And on the other hand, self-regulation, external self-regulation.

In this sense, of course, the covert narcissist is very much like a borderline.

But at that point, the covert borderline has to hand over control to the covert borderline.

If you are regulated from the outside, it becomes an external locus of control, which sits well with alloplastic defenses.

The covert narcissist gradually would begin to blame the covert borderline for anything that goes wrong.

Mood lability, emotional durability, emotional dysregulation, mistakes, failures, defeats. Everything is the covert borderline’s fault. It will become acrimonious.

The alloplastic defenses of the covert narcissist, because of the external locus of control, these defenses are triggered massively and recurrently, repeatedly.

There’s no control of this.

So the covert borderline becomes a target of the covert narcissist.

And she, as usual, engages in passive aggressive behaviors. She undermines the relationship. She sabotages everything in order to take down the covert borderline, kind of, to bring the covert borderline down to her level and to inducing him her state of mind.

Of course, she fails.

This covert borderline has strong narcissistic defenses and is a bit of a psychopath.

But the power play in the mind games start almost from day one, because the very presence of the covert borderline and his psychological composition and constitution trigger the covert narcissist badly.

So why?

If she’s triggered so badly, why does she seek a relationship with a covert borderline? Why not with an overt narcissist?

Well, that’s because only a specific type of covert narcissist would be attracted to a covert borderline.

Some covert narcissist would be attracted to a classic narcissist, to an overt grandiose narcissist.

And this subtype of covert narcissist is known as inverted narcissist.

Other types of covert narcissist are much less submissive. They’re much more agentic. They have a modicum of personal autonomy and independence. They’re so sustaining and so sufficient.

This kind of covert narcissist would gravitate towards the covert borderline, because under the overt or grandiose narcissist, you’re supposed to be 100% obedient. You’re supposed to self negate, supposed to be totally submissive. You’re supposed to fit into the shared fantasy. It’s a money, an ancient Egyptian money with no life of your own, no agency, no independence, no personal autonomy.

Many covert narcissists are way beyond this. They’re more high functioning.

So they would gravitate towards the covert borderline.

One of the reasons is that the covert borderline is preoccupied with fantasies of ideal and outstanding love. Love is a major driver in the covert borderline’s psychology.

The covert borderline has an undue sense of uniqueness, entitlement, has alloplastic defenses.

In this sense, the borderline resembles very much a narcissist.

But what sets the covert borderline apart from the narcissist dramatically and irrevocably is that the covert borderline can and does experience positive emotions, most notably love.

The narcissist is incapable of ever experiencing positive emotions like love, ever.

Narcissist is dead inside. There’s an empty, scheduled core there. It’s howling winds in an abandoned corridor.

That’s the narcissist.

The covert borderline is way more human, way more emotion. And in this sense, and this is why he’s a borderline.

Borderlines have empathy. It’s reduced, diminished empathy, by the way.

But they do have empathy and they definitely have emotions. They’re overwhelmed by emotions. Their emotions are so strong that they threaten to drown them. They’re dysregulated.

That’s the case with the covert borderline.

And among all emotions, the covert borderline is heavily into love.

Covert borderline has a good object inside himself. It’s a self-generated good object. It’s partly fictitious. It’s very fantastic, but it’s still essentially a good object.

The bad object that the covert borderline started with in childhood is all but defunct and repressed.

So because the covert borderline has a good object, he is capable of love, and the covert borderline being a borderline is essentially able to experience emotions without being totally overwhelmed or dysregulated.

Although there is this emotional dysregulation, we’ll come to it in a minute, the covert borderline dares to experience emotions, especially love, because he has a good object and he’s a bit psychopathic. He’s a bit more in control. He’s a bit tougher, a bit more rough, usually also much more experienced in life.

So the covert borderline goes for love.

Of course, love in the covert borderline’s case also fits into the narcissist shared fantasy.

Covert narcissists and overt narcissists impose a shared fantasy on their interpersonal relationships, definitely in intimate relationships.

The covert borderline’s ability to respond with love fits perfectly into the covert narcissist shared fantasy.

This is by the way why grandiose and overt narcissists gravitate towards borderlines, classic borderlines, because classic borderlines can reciprocate with love.

Now the covert borderline’s love is real love, even I would say healthy love, but the covert narcissist in the couple converts in her mind the covert borderline’s love into a fantasy.

So the covert borderline loves the covert narcissist really, and the covert narcissist uses the covert borderline’s love to augment, to buttress, and support a shared fantasy.

And so they end up, both of them end up in a shared fantasy.

Because the covert borderline loves the covert narcissist truly, he wishes to gratify and satisfy her, not submissively, not obediently. He wants her to be happy.

So he says to himself, if fantasy, if the shared fantasy is her thing, I’m going to give her a shared fantasy because it would make her happy.

It’s like, you know, if she wants a car, I’ll buy her a car.

If the shared fantasy involves money, by the way, material goods or a lifestyle, luxurious lifestyle, the covert borderline, if he can afford it, would provide it. The covert borderline would do anything to make his covert narcissist happy.

And that’s why he often finds himself entrapped in the covert narcissist shared fantasy.

It’s the same to some extent with the classical borderline.

Classical borderline requires external regulation. She needs an intimate partner to regulate her emotions, stabilize her labor and moods and so on.

So when the narcissist offers the borderline, I will do all this for you. I will regulate you, I’ll stabilize you, I’ll be safe, but you have to fit into my shared fantasy.

The borderline, the classic borderline strikes this Faustian bargain, agrees to it.

Same with the covert borderline.

When the covert borderline says to the covert borderline, I’m going to love you, I’m going to provide you with the love that you’re looking for.

But my condition is that we do it in a fantastic setting, in a paracosm, in a virtual reality, the covert borderline goes for it and says yes.

Now because the covert borderline is a borderline, mind you, it has mood ability, it is emotionally dysregulated and so on and so forth.

But the difference between the covert borderline and the classical borderline is rationalization.

The covert borderline uses his intellect, he intellectualizes, he uses his intellect to control, justify, explain, predict his emotional dysregulation.

When the covert borderline experiences ups and downs, mood swings, when he experiences emotional dysregulation, he immediately refers to his intelligence, to his intellect and he uses his intellect, his brain, he uses it to somehow make sense of the dysregulation and the liability and that way get them under control and get rid of it in effect.

So while the classical borderline simply falls apart and disintegrates and runs away, something known as approach, avoidance, repetition, compulsion, she experiences an engulfment anxiety and she runs away.

While the classical borderline simply reaches the point of psychosis in effect, the covert borderline is much more rational, intellectual, cold, detached, able to observe himself and what’s happening to him from the outside is a bit like a scientist, an observer.

And so he is much more in control of his own internal situation.

The reactance of the covert borderline, defiance, contumaciousness, even recklessness, serve to control and counteract dysregulation and mood liability because the covert borderline can self-medicate with, for example, risky situations, adventures, intellectual stimulus and so on.

Much more in control.

Now this appeals very much to the covert narcissist because the covert borderline is able to regulate her seething envy, rage, sense of injustice and what have you. She’s able to regulate all these via the mechanisms of the covert borderline.

So while the covert narcissist always feels ashamed, sometimes guilty, definitely always fragile, always vulnerable, always anxious, passive-aggressive, full of pent-up rage and shame and humiliated all the time, she can then resort to the covert borderline and with this overpowering, overriding intellect, he can calm the covert narcissist down, can regulate her and stabilize her.

By the way, he would have the same effect on a borderline, on a classic borderline.

So the covert borderline is in a relentless search for safety and for completion.

She wants to be whole. She can do it with a classic narcissist if she’s inverted, but she can do it also with a covert borderline if she’s much more independent and so on.

The covert borderline is sensitive to criticism, hypervigilant and realistic setbacks which everyone takes in stride can demolish, devastate the covert narcissist.

But it is the covert borderline that is there like a rock, always safe, always stable, always with a solution, always with an explanation, makes sense of the covert narcissist’s life, imbues it with meaning, purpose and direction, an external regulator, a goal, a guide, a guru, a teacher.

She loves it initially.

Okay.

The covert borderline’s problem in a relationship with the covert narcissist is that exactly like a psychopath.

The covert borderline is a very low threshold of boredom.

He doesn’t tolerate boredom. He gets bored very easily.

And the covert narcissist is very boring.

Unlike the grandiose overt narcissist, the covert narcissist has a constricted life, very limited life usually.

And when she does have an adventurous, interesting life, it is so out there off the charts and crazy that it is actually threatening rather than interesting.

So the covert borderline is unable to provide the covert borderline with the intellectual and existential stimuli that he requires to keep him interested, to keep him on his toes, except in extremely rare cases.

Also the covert borderline has an impaired reality testing and difficulty in reading other people’s social and other cues.

She has alexithymia. She’s a bit autistic. So she doesn’t really pick up on the signals of the covert borderline.

She fails to read him properly and therefore she cannot provide him with what he needs in a timely fashion, in real time.

So that creates a lot of frustration and a lot of aggression in the covert borderline, which in turn terrifies the covert narcissist or provokes in her extreme passive aggression because it triggers her shame.

She again has failed in a relationship, for example.

So this issue of stimulation, boredom and so on and so forth is very critical actually in the relationships between covert borderline and covert narcissist.

The covert borderline often drives the covert narcissist into depression and anxiety with his constant scrutiny, analysis, criticism and kind of dissatisfaction, disappointment, disillusionment, disenchantment, covert narcissist, this enhances the covert narcissist’s sense of failure and defeat, which taps into her infinite reservoir of shame, inadequacy and inferiority.

While the covert borderline, covert borderline’s initial reactions are always externalized, covert borderline for example, is very honest, very open, very direct, often abrasive, externalizes frustration and aggression and only then comes down and internalizes things, the covert narcissist is exactly the opposite.

She internalizes and internalizes and internalizes until the rage or the envy or the negative affectivity reach some critical point and then she explodes or implodes, something bad happens. It’s like a nuclear chain reaction. Now suicidal ideation is rare in covert borderlines and relatively rare in covert narcissist.

So, there is no problem here. There is no fear that the covert borderline might drive the covert narcissist to suicide or to aggression that would be self-directed and dangerous. This danger is low.

But the covert narcissist can trigger the covert borderline to aggress against third parties.

In a variety of ways, she’s very Machiavellian. She can lie to him, tell him stories, mislead him, etc.

Very often, she uses these deceptive powers to drive the covert borderline to conflict with third parties that the covert narcissist considers as a threat, a strength or that the covert narcissist feels have humiliated her or shamed her or criticized her.

So whenever there’s narcissistic injury, let alone narcissistic mortification, the covert narcissist would attempt to use the covert borderline to punish those who caused her the injury and the mortification.

Of course, the covert borderline often narcissistically injures the covert narcissist, sometimes causes her mortification, in which case she would try to induce in him self-directed aggression. She would make his life hell, try to distort his reality, a form of gaslighting, if you wish, ruin the fantasy or change the fantasy into a phantasmagoric nightmare so that he would be driven to suicide.

She rarely succeeds, luckily because covert borderlines are not prone to suicide, self-mutilation, and so on and so forth. They do have some addictive behaviors, so the covert narcissist can drive the covert borderline to abuse substances.