Alcoholics make people who drink alcoholics or not alcoholics, problem drinkers, alcohol abusers, that’s the official clinical term, they make choices. It’s not a disease.

So back to back to social drinking and to the effect alcohol has on perceiving attractiveness in others.

I want to elaborate a bit on this.

Attractiveness is gender-neutral. Of course, depending on the genders involved in the interaction, it may lead to sex, to romance, to bromance or to any other outcome on a spectrum of friendship and collaboration.

But both men and women react with attraction or with repulsion to other men and women.

Attractiveness is a composite of character traits and behaviors.

But to be deemed attractive, these character traits and behaviors have to conform to social and cultural mores, prejudices, preferences, biases.

What would be considered attractive in one civilization or cultural society would be judged off-putting, totally repulsive in another.

Language also plays a role.

Stinginess can also be described as frugality, for example.

Eloquence can be described as verbosity, self-care as vanity, self-confidence as narcissism.

So there are two components here.

One, any interaction has a social dimension or is culture-bound, depends on cultural and social, societal context, but also depends crucially on language.

Context is influential. Peer consensus is crucial.

Women find more attractive men who are always in the company of other women. It’s a fact.

The time of day, alcohol consumption, events immediately preceding the encounter, all of them determine attractiveness.

And surprisingly, body shape and good looks are less crucial and far more variable than they are made out to be by evolutionary biologists and by miktows and incels and red pillows and black pillows and other pillows.

Actually, consistently in studies we have demonstrated that body shape and good looks are not important.

In different parts of the world, opposite body shapes, lanky versus fat, for example, attract and criteria of beauty are disparate.

It seems that in determining attractiveness, when I say attractiveness, I want to say not only sexual attractiveness, but social attractiveness, the wish to spend time with that person.

It seems that the mind plays the biggest role. The brain is indeed the largest sex organ and the largest social organ.

Intelligence, resourcefulness, optimism, charisma, attentiveness, empathy, self-assurance, sense of humor, kindness, creativity, generosity, all these are far more creative than possessing the right kind of body.

And so the covert narcissist lacks his serious deficiencies in all these departments, at least in his mind.

It’s not always the objective reality, but definitely in his mind, he feels utterly inadequate and deficient.

Alcohol compensates for that, covers up for that, renders him attractive, and again attractive not only sexually, attractive socially, for example, to socialize with other people.

So he renders him attractive, he feels much more self-confidence, much more, but the problem with the covert narcissist is the compensatory wave is not a wave, it’s a tsunami.

In other words, because he has very primitive defenses like splitting and so on, he goes from one end of the pendulum, I’m a zero, I’m a nobody, I’m inadequate, I’m a doormat, I’m stupid, I should please people.

But he goes from this end to this end, I’m perfect, I’m brilliant, he goes from total, total beta gamma male, or beta gamma, or dog, I don’t know what you want to call it, to the absolute extreme narcissism.

Like from, again, as I said, from zero to hero.

And it is this enormous swing, compensatory swing, that renders the transition, especially when watched from the outside, observed from the outside, rather the transition very creepy. Something very wrong with the covert narcissist when he drinks, something awry, you feel that, you feel that, you know what, had I been a religious person, I would have said demon possession. You feel it is overtaken by another entity.

Of course, it’s not a lot of entities, compensatory features in his mind.

If he is trying to compensate by exaggerating, which is essentially what many compensatory narcissists do, but observing it from outside is horrible.

Like a minute before he drinks, he’s very modest, self-effacing, self-deprecating, attentive, kind, generous, gentle, you name it, then he has a few drinks, and he’s a jerk. He‘s a jerk, he’s a dysempathic, he’s vulgar, he’s unpleasant, he’s sadistic, he’s repulsive, he’s aggressive, and all this could be within the space of 30 minutes.

And this is like, exactly like switching in multiple personality disorder. Exactly like changing from the host personality or from one personality to another in dissociative identity disorder, like an alter, alternative personality taking over the body.

Indeed, the body language changes. The typical body language of the covert narcissist is containing, is restrictive and constrictive. The covert narcissist has this invisible firewall, invisible moat, he is within a fortress, he is self-contained, he avoids people, he’s avoidant, he’s shy, he’s fragile, vulnerable, he’s afraid to be hurt, he’s hurt averse, pain averse.

The minute he drinks, he becomes expansive. His body language is aggressive, all out. He touches, he slaps, he hugs, he kisses, he is coercive, he can even sexually assault, given the right circumstances.

So, I would even venture to say that most sexual assaults are perpetrated by covert narcissists under the influence.

What is, when we talk about this, you know, covert narcissism, problem drinking, we need to remind ourselves, what is narcissism?

Covert narcissist has two features, a negativistic, passive-aggressive feature, which is the covert, but he’s also a narcissist, don’t forget that.

An inverted narcissist is a narcissist, it’s a codependent with narcissism.

A covert narcissist is a passive-aggressive with narcissism. These are narcissists.

And pathological narcissism is an addiction, it’s an addiction to narcissistic supply, attention, bad and good. Narcissistic supply is a drug, it’s a narcissist’s drug of choice.

It is therefore not surprising that other addictive and reckless behaviors, alcoholism, alcoholism, drug abuse, pathological gambling, compulsory shopping, reckless driving, you name it, even pathological lying, in case of psychopathic narcissists.

So, all these piggyback, piggyback on the primary addiction, on the primary dependence on narcissistic supply, it’s an addictive personality, it’s an addictive personality.

We know from practice, in rehab centers, I’ve been an advisor to two rehab centers, medical advisor to a rehab center in Israel and psychological advisor to a rehab center in the United States, one of the biggest in the world.

And so, we know from experience in rehab centers that if you take an addict and you eliminate his addiction, that’s when you take an addict and he’s drunk, he’s an alcoholic, he’s addicted, you eliminate the alcohol addiction, he will find some other addiction. He will become a love addict, a sex addict, or he will do drugs, or he will begin to shop recklessly.

I mean, the addictive personality is a personality in search of addiction.

And so, the narcissist has addictive personality and he found the drug, it’s called narcissistic supply.

But if you take away narcissistic supply, many narcissists end up being alcoholics or drug addicts.

The narcissist, like other types of addicts, derives pleasure from these exploits, these addictive exploits. But they also sustain and enhance his grandiose fantasies.

Because when the narcissist abuses substances or drives recklessly or is a walker or a loon, or he feels unique, he feels superior, entitled, chosen, which are exactly the emotions that the covert narcissist misses, the unsatisfied psychological needs of the covert narcissist.

He also wants to feel unique, superior, entitled, chosen. He wants to feel this way at least once, so he drinks.

This kind of feelings and emotions place the narcissist above, above the laws and pressures of the mundane, of the pedestrian, of the day-to-day life, away from details.

Narcissists hate details. They see the big picture. Away from the humiliating and sobering demands of reality, they render the narcissist the center of attention, but also place the narcissist in splendid isolation from the maddening and inferior crowd from the great unwashed, from the chimpanzees.

Such compulsory and wild pursuits provide a psychological exoskeleton. They are substitute to quotidian existence. They afford the narcissist with an agenda, with timetables, goals and with fake achievements.

The narcissist is an adrenaline junkie. He is exactly like the psychopath he is addicted to risk and thrill and novelty. He feels that he is in control, that he is alert, that he is excited, that he is vital when he engages in addictive behaviors. He does not regard these conditions as dependence. God forbid, narcissist depends on nobody and no one and nothing.

Narciss firmly believes that he is in charge of his addiction, that he can quit at will and on short notice.

Narcissist will typically tell you, “I don’t need you. I don’t need you in my life. I don’t need you. I can get whatever you are giving me elsewhere.”

He often hears and announces and proclaims and promulgates his ostensible independence.

Covert narcissist does not have this luxury. He cannot do this. He cannot afford to lose people.

He is at the end of his rope. He is out of choices, out of options, out of alternatives.

But when he drinks, he becomes a narcissist and he can delude himself, he can deceive himself into believing that the world is his oyster. He can choose anyone and anything and no one will stand in his way. No one will say no.

If he wants sex, there is no woman who will turn him down. If he wants money, there is no man who will not give it to him. If he wants the job, he will get it.

This is precisely again the message that scammers and con-out-his-coaches sell all around the world, many of them with millions of followers.

The narcissist denies his cravings for fear of losing face.

Because if the narcissist were to admit that he needs something, that he craves something and then not get it, there will be a slap in the face, there will be a challenge to his grandiosity.

Narcissist believes that he is omnipotent. He can do anything. He is all-powerful. He is god-like.

So if he wants something and doesn’t get it, that reminds him that he is not. It mortifies him. That is mortification.

So, narcissist prefers to say, “I don’t want it. This is cognitive dissonance.”

How to resolve cognitive dissonance?

When you want something and cannot have it, you say, “I don’t want it. I actually don’t want it.” “I don’t want this guy. He is ugly. I don’t want this girl. She is stupid.”

So, narcissist spends a big part of his life denying that he needs anyone, that he loves anyone, that he is anyone’s friend, that anyone has power over him.

Because if he does, it may end up subverting the flawless, perfect, brilliant, immaculate, omnipotent, omniscient image he projects. It may end up subverting his god-like or divine self-imputed status.

It reminds me of Benedict Spinoza, who was a Jewish philosopher. He suggested that God cannot want anything. It doesn’t have a will. It doesn’t have volition.

Because if God were to want something, it means that something is outside God. You can’t want something that is inside you. You don’t want your own liver. You don’t want your own heart.

But if you want something, it means it’s outside you. And God includes everything. God is everywhere. God is everything.

So, how can he want something? There’s nothing outside God.

Very clever guy.

By the way, as an anecdote, my grave, grave, grave, grave, very grave ancestor, a rabbi by the name of Paudo. Paudo is my mother’s family name. Excommunicated Spinoza threw him out of the Jewish community. He had to go through a very humiliating ceremony, ritual, in the local synagogue, which was orchestrated and organized by my ancestor.

And so he excommunicated him and threw him to the dogs, basically.

Because of what Spinoza had said about God, it was considered sacrilegious. Luckily, I’m much more open-minded.

So, when caught red-handed, inflegrant, the narcissist underestimates or rationalizes or intellectualizes his addictive and reckless behaviors. He converts them into an integral part of his grandiose and fantastic false self.

If he’s caught cheating with a totally drunk woman, he would aggrandize himself. He would say, “I’m irresistible.” That’s a narcissist.

The covert narcissist, on the other hand, would react with guilt, shame, blame, imitation of remorse, self-legilation.

Because the covert narcissist is a masochist, essentially, the masochist. He hates himself.

The covert narcissist has a nonce, self-loathing, and self-hatred. He regards himself as a failure, as a collapse, as not good enough.

And so, any time he’s caught doing something wrong, he is the first to castigate, chastise, and punish himself.

A drug-abusing narcissist may claim to be conducting first-hand research for the benefit of humanity, or that his substance abuse results in enhanced creativity, the productivity. He says, “If I don’t consume these drugs, I’m less productive, less creative. And I’m doing this for the benefit of humanity.”

The dependence of some narcissists on substances becomes a way of life.

For example, busy corporate executives, race car drivers, professional gamblers, they all, many of them, consume substances.

But substance abusers can decide to stop the consumption of alcohol or drugs, and then they abstain for years at a time.

Like everything else we do in life, eating, sex, binge-watching of TV series, drinking and resorting to illicit drugs affect the body.

But not everything that affects the body is a disease in the strict medical sense.

As I said before, so why are we being misinformed that alcoholism and other addictions are illnesses when they are manifestly nothing of the kind?

Well, there are three reasons, actually.

One, money. Once doctors medicalize a behavior, once they pathologize some behavior, they begin to charge big time for curing this behavior or healing the condition.

So the original edition of the DSM was a hundred pages. Now it’s a thousand pages.

The more the better, the more the merrier. The more behaviors the pathologizes, the more behaviors the medicalizes, the more they claim to find new diseases and new disorders, the more money there is from insurance companies.

And the second reason is feel good narcissism.

People can say my egregious, hurtful, traumatizing, misconduct is not my fault. I am sick for me. Little I can do about it.

What a relief.

The third reason is so you very often find covert narcissists who would say, I’ve been struggling with alcohol since I was a teenager, but now I know that it’s an illness, a disease, and so I’m not responsible for it. It’s not my fault, everything that I had done, not my fault that I cheated on my loved one, that I had misbehaved professionally, that I, you know, none of this is my fault. I‘m sick.

The third reason is the general tendency to pathologize everything.