Narcissist's Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Narcissist’s Victim: NO CONTACT Rules

Uploaded 4/8/2014, approx. 4 minute read

Summary

Professor Sam Vaknin advises victims of narcissism and psychopathy to maintain as much contact with their abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate. However, with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath. Avoiding contact with the abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing. Be firm, be resolute, but be polite and civil.

against, for, in, narcissism, Sam Vaknin

April 8, 2014

My name is Sam Vaknin, and I am the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited.

My advice was very controversial. People insisted that a modicum of contact with a narcissist and psychopath is a good idea.

Today I am glad to say, no contact is the conventional wisdom and the orthodox advice and tip to victims of narcissism.

So what did I mean and what do I mean when I say no contact?

First of all, be sure to maintain as much contact with your abuser as the courts, counselors, evaluators, mediators, guardians, or law enforcement officials mandate.

Do not contravene the decisions of the system. Do not go against the courts.

Work from the inside to change judgments, evaluations, or rulings, but never ignore them. You will only turn the system against you and against your interests.

But with the exception of this minimum mandated by the courts, decline any and all gratuitous contact with the narcissist or psychopath.

Do not respond to the narcissist’s pleading romantic, nostalgic, flattering, or threatening email messages. Return to him all gifts that he sends you. Refuse him entry to your premises. Do not even respond to the intercom. Do not talk to him on the phone. Hang up the minute you hear his voice while making clear to him in a single or light but firm sentence that you are determined to not talk to him any longer.

Do not answer his letters or any other forms of communication. Do not visit him on special occasions or in emergencies in the hospital for instance. Do not respond to questions, requests, or pleas forwarded to you via third parties.

Disconnect from third parties whom you know are spying on you at his behest. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not discuss him with your children. Do not gossip about him. Do not ask him for anything, even if you are in dire need.

When you are forced to meet him do not discuss your personal affairs or his. Do not go into the territory of intimacy. Do not go back to La La Land.

Relegate any inevitable contact with him when and where possible to professionals, to your lawyer, to your accountant.

Avoiding contact with your abuser is a form of setting boundaries, and setting boundaries is a form of healing.

Refuse to accept abusive behavior. Demand reasonably predictable and rational actions and reactions from everyone around you. Insist on respect for your boundaries, predilections, preferences and priorities. Demand a just and proportional treatment. Reject or ignore unjust and capricious and predictable behavior.

If confrontation, react in kind, let him taste some of his own medicine. Never show your abuser that you are afraid of him.

Do not negotiate with bullies. They are insatiable. Do not succumb to blackmail. If things get rough, disengage, involve law enforcement officers, friends, colleagues, or even threaten him, legally of course, by a lawyer.

Do not keep your abuse a secret. Secrecy is the abuser’s weapon. Sunshine disinfects abuse. Never give him a second chance. React with all your full arsenal to the first transgression.

Do not wait for the second one. Be guarded. Don’t be too forthcoming in a first or casual meeting. Gather intelligence before you commit. Be yourself. Don’t misrepresent your wishes, boundaries, preferences, priorities and red lines. Do not mislead. Do not behave inconsistently. Do not go back on your word.

These kind of things create expectations that may end up very badly. Be firm. Be resolute, but be polite and civil.

The problem in interactions with abusers is a mismatch of expectations.

Stay away from such quipmars. Scrutinize every offer in suggestion, no matter how innocuous, and feel free to reject those which you find unacceptable.

Prepare backup plans. Keep others involved of your whereabouts and appraised of your situation at any moment. Be vigilant. Be doubting.

Do not be gullible. Do not be suggestible.

Better safe than sorry.

Often the abusers’ proxies are unaware of their role.

He sends people your way to spy on you, to harass you, to abuse you, to convince you, to flatter you, to cajole you. Expose him. Inform these people. Demonstrate to them how they are being abused, misused and plain used, but the abusers show them that they are his unwilling and unwitting instruments. Trap your abuser. Treat him as he treats you. Involve others. Bring it into the open.

Nothing like sunshine to disinfect abuse.

Remember that.

Good luck here.

Summary Link:

https://vakninsummaries.com/ (Full summaries of Sam Vaknin’s videos)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/mediakit.html (My work in psychology: Media Kit and Press Room)

Bonus Consultations with Sam Vaknin or Lidija Rangelovska (or both) http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/ctcounsel.html

http://www.youtube.com/samvaknin (Narcissists, Psychopaths, Abuse)

http://www.youtube.com/vakninmusings (World in Conflict and Transition)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com (Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited)

http://www.narcissistic-abuse.com/cv.html (Biography and Resume)

Summary

against, for, in, narcissism, Sam Vaknin

If you enjoyed this article, you might like the following:

Narcissism: Birth Order, Siblings (Literature Review)

The discussion explored the likelihood of siblings developing narcissistic personality disorder, emphasizing that birth order and being an only child have minimal impact on the development of pathological narcissism, which is likely influenced more by genetic predisposition and environmental factors. Studies indicate that both overt and covert narcissism can arise

October 7, 2025

Sexualizing Anxiety and Anxiolytic Sex: Misattribution of Arousal

The concept of misattribution of arousal, where anxiety and sexual arousal are often confused or interchangeably misidentified, impacting emotional and physiological responses. It highlighted how anxiety can be mistaken for sexual attraction and vice versa, with both conditions influencing behavior and perception, including gender roles and narcissism. Various studies were

October 6, 2025

Artificial Human Intelligence: Brain as Quantum Computer?

The speaker discussed their new project focused on developing a mathematical specification for an implantable PLL chip that would enable the brain to perceive the entire quantum wave function, including all collapsed and non-collapsed states, effectively transforming the brain into a powerful quantum computer. They argued that the brain is

October 5, 2025

Narcissist’s Idealization in Grandiosity Bubble

Sam Vaknin explained the concept of grandiosity bubbles as defensive fantasy constructs narcissists create to maintain an inflated self-image and avoid confronting reality, especially during transitions between sources of narcissistic supply. These bubbles serve as temporary, protective isolations where the narcissist can recover from narcissistic injury without experiencing humiliation or

October 4, 2025

Your Defensive Identification with the Aggressor (Abuser)

The psychological concept of “identifying with the aggressor,” where victims of abuse unconsciously adopt traits and behaviors of their abusers as a defense mechanism to cope with trauma and gain a sense of control. This process, rooted in childhood development and psychoanalytic theory, often leads to maladaptive coping, perpetuates the

October 3, 2025

Back to Our Future: Neo-Feudalism is End of Enlightenment (Starts 01:27)

The speaker discussed the ongoing societal shift from Enlightenment ideals—science, liberal democracy, and bureaucracy—toward a resurgence of feudalism characterized by theocracy, oligarchy, and totalitarianism. This regression reflects widespread disillusionment with elitism and institutional failure, leading to a nihilistic period where the masses reject Enlightenment values in favor of authoritarian models

October 2, 2025

Healthy Self-regulation vs. Dysregulation

Sam Vaknin explores the concept of self-regulation, emphasizing that it primarily concerns controlling behavior rather than internal processes, and highlights its significance in goal attainment and impulse control. He critiques the traditional notion of the “self” in self-regulation, noting the fluidity of identity and the social context’s role, and discusses

October 1, 2025

When YOU Adopt Slave Mentality in Narcissist’s Shared Fantasy

The speaker explored the concept of slave mentality in victims of narcissistic abuse, explaining how narcissists enforce a shared fantasy that suppresses victims’ autonomy and identity. The speaker emphasized that victims often succumb to this mentality because it offers a deceptive sense of safety, predictability, and unconditional love akin to

September 30, 2025

10 Signs: YOU are Broken, Damaged, Scarred

Sam Vaknin discusses the psychological patterns and clinical features common among damaged and broken individuals, emphasizing the impacts of trauma, mistrust, emotional detachment, and difficulties with intimacy and boundaries. He highlights defense mechanisms such as hypervigilance, emotional numbness, conflict avoidance, perfectionism, and the harsh inner critic, explaining how these behaviors

September 29, 2025

Narcissism is So Hard to Believe! (with Yulia Kasprzhak, Clinician)

In-depth analysis of narcissistic personality disorder, emphasizing the distinction between narcissists, psychopaths, and borderlines, highlighting narcissists as delusional and psychotic with impaired reality testing and confabulation rather than manipulative liars. It discussed the complexities of narcissistic relationships, including “hoovering,” the dynamics of narcissistic abuse, and the detrimental impact on partners,

September 28, 2025

Vaknin Transcripts