Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. When Stalkers, Abusers are “Ideal” Partners

1. 00:02 Stalkers and abusers as ideal partners. This sounds like clickbait. Move on or stay glued to the screen to learn the surprising truth. Sometimes the only appropriate intimate partner is a stalker or an abuser because they fulfill deep emotional needs. They cater to certain psychological requirements and processes and they solve wounds. I know this sounds counterintuitive. I’m even going to quote a study uh which demonstrated that sometimes when certain types of people fail to find an abuser or a stalker as a Stalkers and abusers as ideal partners. This sounds like clickbait. Move on or stay glued to the screen to learn the surprising truth. Sometimes the only appropriate intimate partner is a stalker or an abuser because they fulfill deep emotional needs. They cater to certain psychological requirements and processes and they solve wounds. I know this sounds counterintuitive. I’m even going to quote a study uh which demonstrated that sometimes when certain types of people fail to find an abuser or a stalker as a
2. 00:55 partner, they fall apart. They disintegrate. They become psychotic. Yes, you heard me correctly. These people try their best to find a stalker or an abuser as an intimate partner. And when they are rejected, when they fail, when they cannot find a stalker or an abuser as an intimate partner, they slide into psychosis. They disintegrate completely. And so today we’re going to discuss this uh elephant in the room. This very much hidden aspect of relationships which is a no no and politically incorrect and partner, they fall apart. They disintegrate. They become psychotic. Yes, you heard me correctly. These people try their best to find a stalker or an abuser as an intimate partner. And when they are rejected, when they fail, when they cannot find a stalker or an abuser as an intimate partner, they slide into psychosis. They disintegrate completely. And so today we’re going to discuss this uh elephant in the room. This very much hidden aspect of relationships which is a no no and politically incorrect and
3. 01:40 should never ever be uttered aloud. My name is Sam Vaknin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a professor of psychology. And before we proceed, an announcement. There’s a free free as in no money changes hands. Free three and a half day seminar in the magnificent regal city of Orit. O H R I D. Look it up. At the end of May, there’s 160 seats and 140 of them already taken. So if you want to reserve your seat, please write to me at samvaknin that’s happens to be my name sambakin should never ever be uttered aloud. My name is Sam Vaknin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a professor of psychology. And before we proceed, an announcement. There’s a free free as in no money changes hands. Free three and a half day seminar in the magnificent regal city of Orit. O H R I D. Look it up. At the end of May, there’s 160 seats and 140 of them already taken. So if you want to reserve your seat, please write to me at samvaknin that’s happens to be my name sambakin
4. 02:27 atgmail.com. That’s not too complicated is it? Samvakningmail.com and reserve your seat. Um the seminar as I said would last three and a half days and it deals with the various types of relationships that narcissists have. Initially with parents then with spouses and intimate partners later on with their own children progression from self to objects. The topic has been proposed by my inestimable wife Lydiaka. So let’s revert to the impossible topic of today’s video. Stalkers and abusers as atgmail.com. That’s not too complicated is it? Samvakningmail.com and reserve your seat. Um the seminar as I said would last three and a half days and it deals with the various types of relationships that narcissists have. Initially with parents then with spouses and intimate partners later on with their own children progression from self to objects. The topic has been proposed by my inestimable wife Lydiaka. So let’s revert to the impossible topic of today’s video. Stalkers and abusers as
5. 03:12 ideal, wonderful, the only one. The only ones partners. Okay. People attract and are attracted to partners who satisfy deep emotional needs, resonate with ancient early childhood wounds and or restore a sense of comfort, sense of safety, a comfort zone, a secure base. And counter to what we have been told and to intuition, even abusers, even stalkers can fulfill these critical functions for their prey. Even abusers, even stalkers can satisfy deep emotional needs and cater to them. Even abusers, even stalkers can restore ideal, wonderful, the only one. The only ones partners. Okay. People attract and are attracted to partners who satisfy deep emotional needs, resonate with ancient early childhood wounds and or restore a sense of comfort, sense of safety, a comfort zone, a secure base. And counter to what we have been told and to intuition, even abusers, even stalkers can fulfill these critical functions for their prey. Even abusers, even stalkers can satisfy deep emotional needs and cater to them. Even abusers, even stalkers can restore
6. 04:11 the comfort zone of their prey, victims and partners. Even abusers and even stalkers can resonate deeply with ancient wounds, ancient injuries, ancient traumas of early childhood. Actually, there’s an argument to be made that abusers usually the products of trauma in early childhood. Abusers resonate even better than normal healthy people with victims. Both abusers and victims share the same nosology, the same ideology, the same background, the same family dysfunctional dynamics and so on so the comfort zone of their prey, victims and partners. Even abusers and even stalkers can resonate deeply with ancient wounds, ancient injuries, ancient traumas of early childhood. Actually, there’s an argument to be made that abusers usually the products of trauma in early childhood. Abusers resonate even better than normal healthy people with victims. Both abusers and victims share the same nosology, the same ideology, the same background, the same family dysfunctional dynamics and so on so
7. 04:57 forth. They recognize each other. They’re kin and kith. They belong to the same family. The need to be seen, the need to be noticed, the desire to be attended to, the craving for acceptance and belonging. These are overwhelming even in healthy people. And stalkers focus on their targets like laser beams. to the exclusion of all and everybody else. And so the the the prey, the victim feels bathed in the attention of the stalker or the abuser. The victim or the prey becomes the receptacle and the container forth. They recognize each other. They’re kin and kith. They belong to the same family. The need to be seen, the need to be noticed, the desire to be attended to, the craving for acceptance and belonging. These are overwhelming even in healthy people. And stalkers focus on their targets like laser beams. to the exclusion of all and everybody else. And so the the the prey, the victim feels bathed in the attention of the stalker or the abuser. The victim or the prey becomes the receptacle and the container
8. 05:55 of the abusers and stalkers dynamics, interpersonal, interreational dynamics and being the aim of such inordinate attention, being the recipient of such lavish display and lavish shower and abundance. of attention is intoxicating. Some stalkers even take or leave trophies as signals of their omniresence in the quarry’s life and a form of micromanagement and control. So what what’s wrong with people who repeatedly pair up, repeatedly team up, repeatedly enter intimate relationships with stalkers and with abusers? What’s of the abusers and stalkers dynamics, interpersonal, interreational dynamics and being the aim of such inordinate attention, being the recipient of such lavish display and lavish shower and abundance. of attention is intoxicating. Some stalkers even take or leave trophies as signals of their omniresence in the quarry’s life and a form of micromanagement and control. So what what’s wrong with people who repeatedly pair up, repeatedly team up, repeatedly enter intimate relationships with stalkers and with abusers? What’s
9. 06:49 wrong with such people? Is there anything wrong with such people? To start with, we’re making this assumption that if you end up if all your relationships end up involving an abuser or a stalker, something’s wrong with you. And that is an assumption which is statistically defensible because most people vast majority of people do not end up repeatedly in abusive traumatizing relationships. So they are the statistical norm and everyone who does not align with this type of choices and decisions and behaviors and mate wrong with such people? Is there anything wrong with such people? To start with, we’re making this assumption that if you end up if all your relationships end up involving an abuser or a stalker, something’s wrong with you. And that is an assumption which is statistically defensible because most people vast majority of people do not end up repeatedly in abusive traumatizing relationships. So they are the statistical norm and everyone who does not align with this type of choices and decisions and behaviors and mate
10. 07:29 selection then something’s wrong with them. And the question is what is the predisposing psychological background? First of all, it is safe to assume that people who end up repeatedly in intimate relationships with stalkers and abusers are very lonely people. And they are people who are not only lonely, but they dread lonely loneliness. They’re terrified of loneliness. They would do anything to avoid loneliness. They would pay any price. They would incur any cost. They would make any choice, however selection then something’s wrong with them. And the question is what is the predisposing psychological background? First of all, it is safe to assume that people who end up repeatedly in intimate relationships with stalkers and abusers are very lonely people. And they are people who are not only lonely, but they dread lonely loneliness. They’re terrified of loneliness. They would do anything to avoid loneliness. They would pay any price. They would incur any cost. They would make any choice, however
11. 08:07 detrimental, however self-defeating and self-destructive just in order to avoid loneliness because they don’t don’t do loneliness. They don’t know how to cope with loneliness and how to manage it. They maintain an impoverished inner environment. The introjects of s such people, the internal voices, the internal dialogue are harshly sadistic and these internal objects are inaccessible to them because they are suffused with pain, shame and other negative emotions. What I’m trying to tell you is that detrimental, however self-defeating and self-destructive just in order to avoid loneliness because they don’t don’t do loneliness. They don’t know how to cope with loneliness and how to manage it. They maintain an impoverished inner environment. The introjects of s such people, the internal voices, the internal dialogue are harshly sadistic and these internal objects are inaccessible to them because they are suffused with pain, shame and other negative emotions. What I’m trying to tell you is that
12. 08:43 these people are not only lonely externally. They’re not only lonely because they’re not surrounded with people. They’re not only lonely because they don’t have an intimate partner or they don’t have children. They’re not only lonely because they don’t have friends. In other words, they’re not only externally lonely, they are also internally lonely. Their internal environment, their inner landscape, their mind is silent. There are no voices there who are which are positive which are which offer sakur these people are not only lonely externally. They’re not only lonely because they’re not surrounded with people. They’re not only lonely because they don’t have an intimate partner or they don’t have children. They’re not only lonely because they don’t have friends. In other words, they’re not only externally lonely, they are also internally lonely. Their internal environment, their inner landscape, their mind is silent. There are no voices there who are which are positive which are which offer sakur
13. 09:20 and help and advice. There are no voices there which help the person sustain a relatively balanced and positive self-concept. On the very contrary, the inner landscape, the internal environment of these people is replete with harsh, sadistic, rejecting, hateful, loathing voices. Voices that castigate and chastise and criticize and pull you down and destroy you or seek to destroy you. These are enemy voices and the internal landscape becomes an enemy territory and the whole all of existence becomes a battle zone, a war zone. And and help and advice. There are no voices there which help the person sustain a relatively balanced and positive self-concept. On the very contrary, the inner landscape, the internal environment of these people is replete with harsh, sadistic, rejecting, hateful, loathing voices. Voices that castigate and chastise and criticize and pull you down and destroy you or seek to destroy you. These are enemy voices and the internal landscape becomes an enemy territory and the whole all of existence becomes a battle zone, a war zone. And
14. 10:06 so these people are lonely objectively. They’re lonely because they don’t have people. They don’t have other people in their lives. They don’t have interpersonal relationships. And at the same time, they’re also lonely internally because they don’t have the support, the internal scaffolding of the internal skeleton that can hold them together. And this loneliness is so profound, so all-consuming, so all pervasive, so debilitating and so overwhelming that the overriding need so these people are lonely objectively. They’re lonely because they don’t have people. They don’t have other people in their lives. They don’t have interpersonal relationships. And at the same time, they’re also lonely internally because they don’t have the support, the internal scaffolding of the internal skeleton that can hold them together. And this loneliness is so profound, so all-consuming, so all pervasive, so debilitating and so overwhelming that the overriding need
15. 10:43 or overriding desire is to escape this loneliness. Never mind with whom and never mind at what cost. So this is a critical psychological feature of people who constantly end up in abusive relationships. Loneliness, intolerance. In other words, habitual intimate partners of abusers and stalkers cannot sustain an inner dialogue with their depleted and wounded selves. The stalker’s constant presence restores object constancy, object permanence. The stalker’s um constant intrusion and the abusers or overriding desire is to escape this loneliness. Never mind with whom and never mind at what cost. So this is a critical psychological feature of people who constantly end up in abusive relationships. Loneliness, intolerance. In other words, habitual intimate partners of abusers and stalkers cannot sustain an inner dialogue with their depleted and wounded selves. The stalker’s constant presence restores object constancy, object permanence. The stalker’s um constant intrusion and the abusers
16. 11:32 micromanagement and control freakery. They feel the void. They feel feel like f i l. They feel the voided howling and all-consuming emptiness at the partners missing missing core first described in depth by Otto Kber. So we have a situation where the intimate partner of stalker stalkers and the intimate partners of of abusers are lonely in externally lonely internally impoverished internally sustain an emptiness which threatens to consume them are unable to afford or to provide internal structures and micromanagement and control freakery. They feel the void. They feel feel like f i l. They feel the voided howling and all-consuming emptiness at the partners missing missing core first described in depth by Otto Kber. So we have a situation where the intimate partner of stalker stalkers and the intimate partners of of abusers are lonely in externally lonely internally impoverished internally sustain an emptiness which threatens to consume them are unable to afford or to provide internal structures and
17. 12:17 constructs of support and sakore and have problems with object constancy. And here is the stalker and the stalker is always there. Always there. And here is the abuser. And the abuser micromanagers. The abuser is intrusive. The abuser is controlling. And yet this is not perceived as something negative. This is perceived as object constancy. It’s perceived as something positive because it allays it negates the loneliness. It substitutes the stalker’s external presence and the abuser’s external micromanaging control constructs of support and sakore and have problems with object constancy. And here is the stalker and the stalker is always there. Always there. And here is the abuser. And the abuser micromanagers. The abuser is intrusive. The abuser is controlling. And yet this is not perceived as something negative. This is perceived as object constancy. It’s perceived as something positive because it allays it negates the loneliness. It substitutes the stalker’s external presence and the abuser’s external micromanaging control
18. 13:00 substitute for the absence of positive supportive internal objects. It’s as if the intimate partner of the stalker and and the abuser outsources her internal dialogue or his internal dialogue to the intimate partner who happens to be a stalker or an abuser. According to Kavanaaugh, Salivan and Maltby uh in a clinical note on hysterical psychosis published by the American Journal of Psychiatry in June 1979, some narcissistic and histrionic people in their studies is mostly women, but I think it’s gender should be gender substitute for the absence of positive supportive internal objects. It’s as if the intimate partner of the stalker and and the abuser outsources her internal dialogue or his internal dialogue to the intimate partner who happens to be a stalker or an abuser. According to Kavanaaugh, Salivan and Maltby uh in a clinical note on hysterical psychosis published by the American Journal of Psychiatry in June 1979, some narcissistic and histrionic people in their studies is mostly women, but I think it’s gender should be gender
19. 13:52 genderneutral. Anyhow, in death’s particular study, some narcissistic and histrionic people react reacted with a transient form of psychosis to unwanted sexual advances, but they also reacted with a transient form of psychosis to u nonresrocation of their sexual interest. Let me try to explain this bizarre result in the study. Um according to this study there is a specific type of people specific people type of people who are mostly histrionic a bit narcissistic and so on and in the study these were women but I think it genderneutral. Anyhow, in death’s particular study, some narcissistic and histrionic people react reacted with a transient form of psychosis to unwanted sexual advances, but they also reacted with a transient form of psychosis to u nonresrocation of their sexual interest. Let me try to explain this bizarre result in the study. Um according to this study there is a specific type of people specific people type of people who are mostly histrionic a bit narcissistic and so on and in the study these were women but I think it
20. 14:39 can be generalized to men as well. So histrionic narcissistic combo people these people react identically when they are approached when there are aggressive unwanted sexual advances and when they approach when they are aggressive sexually towards other people and then they are rebuffed rejected In both situations, they disintegrate. They fall apart. They become temporarily psychotic. Something known as psychotic micro episode. And so these kind of people would be very likely to team up with abusers and can be generalized to men as well. So histrionic narcissistic combo people these people react identically when they are approached when there are aggressive unwanted sexual advances and when they approach when they are aggressive sexually towards other people and then they are rebuffed rejected In both situations, they disintegrate. They fall apart. They become temporarily psychotic. Something known as psychotic micro episode. And so these kind of people would be very likely to team up with abusers and
21. 15:30 stalkers because they themselves are abusers and stalkers unbeknownst to them. It’s a form of projection or form of resonance if you wish. In the footsteps of Martin whose work was published in 1971, the authors of this study explicit explicitly attributed such decompensation and acting out in some cases to what they called oral narcissistic structures in the personality and to immature object relations. What we can learn from this study is that there are certain types of people who would team up with stalkers and stalkers because they themselves are abusers and stalkers unbeknownst to them. It’s a form of projection or form of resonance if you wish. In the footsteps of Martin whose work was published in 1971, the authors of this study explicit explicitly attributed such decompensation and acting out in some cases to what they called oral narcissistic structures in the personality and to immature object relations. What we can learn from this study is that there are certain types of people who would team up with stalkers and
22. 16:19 abusers precisely because stalkers and abusers are always there, never absent. And precisely because stalkers and abusers are likely to reciprocate the sexual or romantic advances of such people. They are likely to defay and negate the loneliness, take it away. I would add to this list people who do succeed to bed the their targets who do succeed to take their targets to bed to have sex with them but are then abandoned or ignored emotionally contrary to their wishes and fantasies. In other words, there is a group of abusers precisely because stalkers and abusers are always there, never absent. And precisely because stalkers and abusers are likely to reciprocate the sexual or romantic advances of such people. They are likely to defay and negate the loneliness, take it away. I would add to this list people who do succeed to bed the their targets who do succeed to take their targets to bed to have sex with them but are then abandoned or ignored emotionally contrary to their wishes and fantasies. In other words, there is a group of
23. 17:05 people whose main defense against reality, including the reality of loneliness, is fantasy. They’re fantasies. They fantasize all the time. And then they confuse fantasy with reality. They think the fantasy is real. And then they would team up with other types of people who are fantasy based. Stalkers and abusers are usually fantasy based. They’re usually narcissistic or psychopathic or borderline or they’re based on fantasy. So it would seem that people who are prone to fantasy would people whose main defense against reality, including the reality of loneliness, is fantasy. They’re fantasies. They fantasize all the time. And then they confuse fantasy with reality. They think the fantasy is real. And then they would team up with other types of people who are fantasy based. Stalkers and abusers are usually fantasy based. They’re usually narcissistic or psychopathic or borderline or they’re based on fantasy. So it would seem that people who are prone to fantasy would
24. 17:43 team up with other people who are prone to fantasy and then they would create a shared fantasy and the shared fantasy could definitely include and in most cases does include strong elements of stalking, bullying and abuse. What I’m trying to convey to you is that the intimate partner of the stalker or the abuser sometimes perceives the the stalking or perceives the abuse as positive, not negative. It’s not a negative. In the minds of these people, stalking and abuse are forms of attention team up with other people who are prone to fantasy and then they would create a shared fantasy and the shared fantasy could definitely include and in most cases does include strong elements of stalking, bullying and abuse. What I’m trying to convey to you is that the intimate partner of the stalker or the abuser sometimes perceives the the stalking or perceives the abuse as positive, not negative. It’s not a negative. In the minds of these people, stalking and abuse are forms of attention
25. 18:23 for modes of communication. and stalking and abuse guarantee the presence of the stalker or the abuser and therefore they are perfect antidotes to loneliness. The connection between brief reactive psychotic episodes and symptotomatic manifestations of dissociation including amnesia and even dissociative identity disorder in extreme cases is well established. I refer you to the definitive work dissociation and the dissociative disorders published in 2009 and there was a second edition. So when these intimate partners of stalkers for modes of communication. and stalking and abuse guarantee the presence of the stalker or the abuser and therefore they are perfect antidotes to loneliness. The connection between brief reactive psychotic episodes and symptotomatic manifestations of dissociation including amnesia and even dissociative identity disorder in extreme cases is well established. I refer you to the definitive work dissociation and the dissociative disorders published in 2009 and there was a second edition. So when these intimate partners of stalkers
26. 19:07 and bullies disintegrate under stress or trauma, the transition to a dissociative psychosis is abrupt and shocking. It resembles switching from the core personality to an alter in dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder. Patients describe it as brain fog, although they may appear to be perfectly oriented and goal focused. It’s very reminiscent of alcoholic blackout. On such occasions, when the stalking is withdrawn, listen to the irony. On the occasions when the stalker and bullies disintegrate under stress or trauma, the transition to a dissociative psychosis is abrupt and shocking. It resembles switching from the core personality to an alter in dissociative identity disorder, formerly known as multiple personality disorder. Patients describe it as brain fog, although they may appear to be perfectly oriented and goal focused. It’s very reminiscent of alcoholic blackout. On such occasions, when the stalking is withdrawn, listen to the irony. On the occasions when the stalker
27. 19:51 refuses to continue to stalk and the abuser loses interest, becomes indifferent and walks away. On these occasions, the the targets, the victims, the prey, the intimate partners of the stalker and the abuser sometimes fall apart and become psychotic. They can’t take it. It’s too much for them because they perceive it as rejection and the onset of loneliness. You I’m I’m going to reiterate this because this is seriously counterintuitive. Some people prefer to be stalked and prefer to be bullied and prefer to be refuses to continue to stalk and the abuser loses interest, becomes indifferent and walks away. On these occasions, the the targets, the victims, the prey, the intimate partners of the stalker and the abuser sometimes fall apart and become psychotic. They can’t take it. It’s too much for them because they perceive it as rejection and the onset of loneliness. You I’m I’m going to reiterate this because this is seriously counterintuitive. Some people prefer to be stalked and prefer to be bullied and prefer to be
28. 20:36 abused to being alone. They perceive stalking and abuse and bullying as attention as presence. They feel safe with stalking abuse and bullying because a stalker, abuser and bully is always there, always interested, always invested, affected, invested in the relationship. On such occasions when they are rejected by the stalker, when they are abandoned by the bully and the abuser, behavior changes marketkedly. The behavior of the victim or the intimate partner changes marketkedly, becomes disorganized and then escalates to abused to being alone. They perceive stalking and abuse and bullying as attention as presence. They feel safe with stalking abuse and bullying because a stalker, abuser and bully is always there, always interested, always invested, affected, invested in the relationship. On such occasions when they are rejected by the stalker, when they are abandoned by the bully and the abuser, behavior changes marketkedly. The behavior of the victim or the intimate partner changes marketkedly, becomes disorganized and then escalates to
29. 21:13 become aggressive, impulsive, disempathic, reckless, promiscuous and antisocial. In other words, there’s a psychopathic reactance that sets in when partners, intimate partners of stalkers, bullies, and abusers are abandoned and rejected. They sometimes become psychopaths. temporarily of course but they become indistinguishable from psychopaths, primary psychopaths and in the case of border lines secondary psychopaths. In most of these cases, amnesia sets in to repress painful and acutely uncomfortable egodistonic memories which become aggressive, impulsive, disempathic, reckless, promiscuous and antisocial. In other words, there’s a psychopathic reactance that sets in when partners, intimate partners of stalkers, bullies, and abusers are abandoned and rejected. They sometimes become psychopaths. temporarily of course but they become indistinguishable from psychopaths, primary psychopaths and in the case of border lines secondary psychopaths. In most of these cases, amnesia sets in to repress painful and acutely uncomfortable egodistonic memories which
30. 21:57 had they remained in conscious awareness would have provoked extreme shame and guilt and perhaps even uh rage. Where amnesia is absent, the abandoned or rejected intimate partner undergoes depersonalization and derealization. She feels that she were acting as an observer on autopilot. Substance abuse such as binge drinking or getting high or whatever exacerbates all these mental health issues and defenses. One thing to learn about psychology, you can never generalize. There are always exceptions, always had they remained in conscious awareness would have provoked extreme shame and guilt and perhaps even uh rage. Where amnesia is absent, the abandoned or rejected intimate partner undergoes depersonalization and derealization. She feels that she were acting as an observer on autopilot. Substance abuse such as binge drinking or getting high or whatever exacerbates all these mental health issues and defenses. One thing to learn about psychology, you can never generalize. There are always exceptions, always
31. 22:42 outliers. There are always situations and there always types of people that defy the convention, defy normality, defy normaly, defy the statistics. Always no exception. So here we have a group of people or a type of people who actually feel safe. They feel secure. They feel good. They feel they they feel catered to. They feel needed. They feel loved. They feel they feel accepted. And they feel supported only by stalkers and bullies and abusers because of the intensity of the interaction, the inordinate amount of outliers. There are always situations and there always types of people that defy the convention, defy normality, defy normaly, defy the statistics. Always no exception. So here we have a group of people or a type of people who actually feel safe. They feel secure. They feel good. They feel they they feel catered to. They feel needed. They feel loved. They feel they feel accepted. And they feel supported only by stalkers and bullies and abusers because of the intensity of the interaction, the inordinate amount of
32. 23:26 attention, the resonance of archaic wounds between offender, perpetrator and victim. And because the relationship itself is embedded in a fantasy and it’s a fantasy of love. I’m being abused because he loves me. Maybe he’s jealous. I made him jealous or whatever, but he loves me. It’s a proof of love. I’m being stalked because I’m irresistible. And at least I know that my stalker is always there behind the window. And at least I know that my abuser would pay attention to me. Painful attention, attention, the resonance of archaic wounds between offender, perpetrator and victim. And because the relationship itself is embedded in a fantasy and it’s a fantasy of love. I’m being abused because he loves me. Maybe he’s jealous. I made him jealous or whatever, but he loves me. It’s a proof of love. I’m being stalked because I’m irresistible. And at least I know that my stalker is always there behind the window. And at least I know that my abuser would pay attention to me. Painful attention,
33. 24:12 but attention all the same. And at least I know that I’m not alone. but attention all the same. And at least I know that I’m not alone.