Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. How Narcissist Makes You FEAR the World, DISTRUST It (Clip: Skopje Seminar, Day 2, Lecture 4)

1. 00:19 I’ve had a traumatic moment recently, I mean few minutes ago when I realized that I’m considerably shorter than most of the women in the audience. I from now on am going to impose a restriction, a requirement. No women taller than 1 m 35 just to be on the safe side, you know. Yeah. Okay. Not easy to recover, but I’ll do my best. So, I’m going to read to you 10 sentences and seven seven affirmations or resolutions on and so on so forth that have been have been proven in studies and again everything I’m telling I’ve had a traumatic moment recently, I mean few minutes ago when I realized that I’m considerably shorter than most of the women in the audience. I from now on am going to impose a restriction, a requirement. No women taller than 1 m 35 just to be on the safe side, you know. Yeah. Okay. Not easy to recover, but I’ll do my best. So, I’m going to read to you 10 sentences and seven seven affirmations or resolutions on and so on so forth that have been have been proven in studies and again everything I’m telling
2. 01:16 you today is founded on studies based on studies so I try to distill hundreds of studies into this seminar I I don’t always mention the studies and because it will be endless. Yes. But I it’s all founded on studies. So a variety of studies over the last 40 years since the 1980s, a variety of studies found that there are 10 issues, 10 statements that need addressing in recovery and healing from abuse. and that there are 10 or seven affirmations or resolutions that are very conducive to recovery and you today is founded on studies based on studies so I try to distill hundreds of studies into this seminar I I don’t always mention the studies and because it will be endless. Yes. But I it’s all founded on studies. So a variety of studies over the last 40 years since the 1980s, a variety of studies found that there are 10 issues, 10 statements that need addressing in recovery and healing from abuse. and that there are 10 or seven affirmations or resolutions that are very conducive to recovery and
3. 01:57 healing. And I’m going to read to you the the two lists. You may take notes of course and so on. I’m going to read to you the two lists and then I’m going to shut up and you will have sigh of relief and we can we can then I can then try to answer questions. Here are the 10 sentences. They will sound familiar because these are the sentences. These are the statements or propositions that the narcissist undermines when you’re in a relationship with the narcissist. I told you yesterday when healing. And I’m going to read to you the the two lists. You may take notes of course and so on. I’m going to read to you the two lists and then I’m going to shut up and you will have sigh of relief and we can we can then I can then try to answer questions. Here are the 10 sentences. They will sound familiar because these are the sentences. These are the statements or propositions that the narcissist undermines when you’re in a relationship with the narcissist. I told you yesterday when
4. 02:29 you we were all groggy and half dead. I told you yesterday the narcissist undermines everything you thought you knew about yourself. All your beliefs about the world and about other people. your mentalization, your theory of mind, your internal working models. The narcissist destroys all this and what you are left with with is befuddlement. You’re very discombobulated. I love these words. You’re very confused and confusion, disorientation are key feature of uh uh reported by victims of narcissistic abuse. So this confusion you we were all groggy and half dead. I told you yesterday the narcissist undermines everything you thought you knew about yourself. All your beliefs about the world and about other people. your mentalization, your theory of mind, your internal working models. The narcissist destroys all this and what you are left with with is befuddlement. You’re very discombobulated. I love these words. You’re very confused and confusion, disorientation are key feature of uh uh reported by victims of narcissistic abuse. So this confusion
5. 03:10 is the outcome of undermining the following 10 beliefs or 10 sentences I mentioned yesterday. By the way, those of you who want to read more about it, those of you who want to find the relevant studies, you need to look for doxastic dissonance, doxastic and for axiological dissonance. So you will find the studies that deal with with these issues. Okay, here are the 10 sentences the narcissist undermines and consequently renders you utterly disoriented and confused. These are assumptions about the world, about is the outcome of undermining the following 10 beliefs or 10 sentences I mentioned yesterday. By the way, those of you who want to read more about it, those of you who want to find the relevant studies, you need to look for doxastic dissonance, doxastic and for axiological dissonance. So you will find the studies that deal with with these issues. Okay, here are the 10 sentences the narcissist undermines and consequently renders you utterly disoriented and confused. These are assumptions about the world, about
6. 03:47 people, theory of mind, and about relationships, internal working models. Sentence number one, people are rational and self-interested, but most people are good. studies surprisingly show actually and I hate to say this by the way and I love to be pessimistic and a doomsayer. Yeah. But studies actually have shown repeatedly and conclusively in a variety of of locations and settings and cohorts and populations and you name it that people are basically good. Again, I hate to say it. It it it’s people, theory of mind, and about relationships, internal working models. Sentence number one, people are rational and self-interested, but most people are good. studies surprisingly show actually and I hate to say this by the way and I love to be pessimistic and a doomsayer. Yeah. But studies actually have shown repeatedly and conclusively in a variety of of locations and settings and cohorts and populations and you name it that people are basically good. Again, I hate to say it. It it it’s
7. 04:27 against the grain. It’s not me. But [snorts] people are actually good. M I mean not talking not all people all the time but statistically speaking people are mostly good. The narcissist convinces you that people are evil, that they cannot be trusted, that they’re hostile, that they’re dangerous, that you should avoid them, that engaging with people is a risk and also stupid. That is counterfactual. That is not true. That is not founded on reality. reality is that most people are good, against the grain. It’s not me. But [snorts] people are actually good. M I mean not talking not all people all the time but statistically speaking people are mostly good. The narcissist convinces you that people are evil, that they cannot be trusted, that they’re hostile, that they’re dangerous, that you should avoid them, that engaging with people is a risk and also stupid. That is counterfactual. That is not true. That is not founded on reality. reality is that most people are good,
8. 05:01 not evil, and that most people are likely to be helpful if asked appropriately and that most people are basically altruistic to some extent. Actually, people are so altruistic that it presents a conundrum. It presents a problem because altruism doesn’t make sense from the evolutionary point of view. So in evolutionary psychology, one of the major topics that we are discussing in evolutionary psychology is why are people altruistic? What’s in it for them? And yet this is the truth. Number two, justice, order, and not evil, and that most people are likely to be helpful if asked appropriately and that most people are basically altruistic to some extent. Actually, people are so altruistic that it presents a conundrum. It presents a problem because altruism doesn’t make sense from the evolutionary point of view. So in evolutionary psychology, one of the major topics that we are discussing in evolutionary psychology is why are people altruistic? What’s in it for them? And yet this is the truth. Number two, justice, order, and
9. 05:48 structure are fundamental to the universe. Reality and people in the universe are basically trustworthy. All these sentences I feel personally are alien to me. I don’t believe these things. But on the other hand, I’ve been trained as a scientist, not psychologist, scientists. I’ve been trained as a physicist. So I know that I have to succumb to reality. I have to accept reality even if it flies against my convictions. I have to follow the evidence. And the evidence is, as I said, that most people are good structure are fundamental to the universe. Reality and people in the universe are basically trustworthy. All these sentences I feel personally are alien to me. I don’t believe these things. But on the other hand, I’ve been trained as a scientist, not psychologist, scientists. I’ve been trained as a physicist. So I know that I have to succumb to reality. I have to accept reality even if it flies against my convictions. I have to follow the evidence. And the evidence is, as I said, that most people are good
10. 06:25 and altruistic. And the evidence is that most people are trustworthy. There have been multiple studies again that demonstrated this that you can it that it is actually an adaptive strategy. It’s a positive adaptation to trust people. It’s the right thing to do because most people are trustworthy. And if you do not trust people, as a matter of principle, you handicap. It’s a handicap. You you your self-efficacy decreases. Your ability to obtain outcomes decreases when you don’t trust people as a matter of principle. and altruistic. And the evidence is that most people are trustworthy. There have been multiple studies again that demonstrated this that you can it that it is actually an adaptive strategy. It’s a positive adaptation to trust people. It’s the right thing to do because most people are trustworthy. And if you do not trust people, as a matter of principle, you handicap. It’s a handicap. You you your self-efficacy decreases. Your ability to obtain outcomes decreases when you don’t trust people as a matter of principle.
11. 07:03 When you trust people as a matter of principle, of course, you pay the price sometimes, predators, and what have you, but on the whole, your outcomes are much better than, for example, the outcomes of a paranoid or so. There is justice and there is order and there is structure and the reality is that the vast majority of people are trustworthy can be trusted and you would do well to trust people. That is the efficacious strategy. This is science. This is not me and this is not about my convictions and opinions. I my When you trust people as a matter of principle, of course, you pay the price sometimes, predators, and what have you, but on the whole, your outcomes are much better than, for example, the outcomes of a paranoid or so. There is justice and there is order and there is structure and the reality is that the vast majority of people are trustworthy can be trusted and you would do well to trust people. That is the efficacious strategy. This is science. This is not me and this is not about my convictions and opinions. I my
12. 07:41 convictions and opinions you don’t want to hear because you will live leave the seminar never to return. Okay. Number three, the narcissist tells you that the world is hostile. You remember yesterday, the world is hostile and it’s a jungle out there. Men eat men eat dog, dog eat men, something, someone eats someone and so on and so forth. Um, but the truth is that while the world may be indifferent, the world may be indifferent, the world is actually the exact opposite of hostile. The world is highly convictions and opinions you don’t want to hear because you will live leave the seminar never to return. Okay. Number three, the narcissist tells you that the world is hostile. You remember yesterday, the world is hostile and it’s a jungle out there. Men eat men eat dog, dog eat men, something, someone eats someone and so on and so forth. Um, but the truth is that while the world may be indifferent, the world may be indifferent, the world is actually the exact opposite of hostile. The world is highly
13. 08:19 accommodating. Highly accommodating. There is even a debate in physics. In physics, there’s a debate why the universe is so well suited to human life. It’s as if someone designed the universe to cater to the needs of life. The universe is so accommodating, so fine-tuned, so welldesigned that it gives rise to the supposition of a creator, a god or whatever. This is called the anthropic principle. The anthropic principle or the anthropic debate. And the world is exactly the opposite of hostile. The world was built to accommodating. Highly accommodating. There is even a debate in physics. In physics, there’s a debate why the universe is so well suited to human life. It’s as if someone designed the universe to cater to the needs of life. The universe is so accommodating, so fine-tuned, so welldesigned that it gives rise to the supposition of a creator, a god or whatever. This is called the anthropic principle. The anthropic principle or the anthropic debate. And the world is exactly the opposite of hostile. The world was built to
14. 09:06 accommodate you, was built to cater to your needs, was built to spoil you. It’s a spoiling world. Of course, when you see COVID 19 or some vacine, you say that cannot be true. But that is not reality. Do you know that we have physical constants? Do you know that if any of these constants deviated by 1 billionth one billionth of the value, there would not be life. The constants the physical constants in the universe are fine-tuned up to the billionth point to allow for life. And then within life itself, I accommodate you, was built to cater to your needs, was built to spoil you. It’s a spoiling world. Of course, when you see COVID 19 or some vacine, you say that cannot be true. But that is not reality. Do you know that we have physical constants? Do you know that if any of these constants deviated by 1 billionth one billionth of the value, there would not be life. The constants the physical constants in the universe are fine-tuned up to the billionth point to allow for life. And then within life itself, I
15. 09:48 mean look at us as a species, we didn’t do so wrong. It is not self-efficacious to assume that the world is against you, that it’s hostile, that it’s out to get you, that it’s a jungle out there, and so on so forth. Again, I’m not advocating to be naive, but I think to believe these things, to believe that the world is hostile, that people are evil, is a form of naivity. Actually, it’s a kind of inverted naivity if you wish. You can be naive believing that all people are always mean look at us as a species, we didn’t do so wrong. It is not self-efficacious to assume that the world is against you, that it’s hostile, that it’s out to get you, that it’s a jungle out there, and so on so forth. Again, I’m not advocating to be naive, but I think to believe these things, to believe that the world is hostile, that people are evil, is a form of naivity. Actually, it’s a kind of inverted naivity if you wish. You can be naive believing that all people are always
16. 10:23 good. That’s stupid. That’s naive. But you can be equally naive believing that all people are always bad. That’s equally naive. Naivity is divorcing reality. Naivity is a form of fantasy. Number four, one good deed. According to the narcissist, no good deed goes unpunished. If you do something good, you’re likely to suffer somehow. Studies don’t show this. Studies show that when you do good deeds, people reciprocate. In the vast majority of cases and instances, people reciprocate. When you good. That’s stupid. That’s naive. But you can be equally naive believing that all people are always bad. That’s equally naive. Naivity is divorcing reality. Naivity is a form of fantasy. Number four, one good deed. According to the narcissist, no good deed goes unpunished. If you do something good, you’re likely to suffer somehow. Studies don’t show this. Studies show that when you do good deeds, people reciprocate. In the vast majority of cases and instances, people reciprocate. When you
17. 11:00 do something good, there is definitely an exchange of goods. There is definitely a transactional aspect where you spread good and you do good, you get good back. This is of course a truism encoded even in the Bible, you know, send your bread away because one day you will get it back. Send the send the bread over the water, you will get it back. So it’s it’s uh the ancients knew this. They knew that the right way, the right what is real is that if you if you are a good person, if you do good things, ultimately you will do something good, there is definitely an exchange of goods. There is definitely a transactional aspect where you spread good and you do good, you get good back. This is of course a truism encoded even in the Bible, you know, send your bread away because one day you will get it back. Send the send the bread over the water, you will get it back. So it’s it’s uh the ancients knew this. They knew that the right way, the right what is real is that if you if you are a good person, if you do good things, ultimately you will
18. 11:43 generate around you an environment that will reciprocate will reciprocate. So what the narcissist is telling you is wrong. It’s a lie. It’s counterfactual. [snorts] If you try hard enough and you are sincere enough, usually things work out. But I I’m not talking about the law of attraction and other forms of magical thinking as these laws tell you that if you think hard enough or if you wish something hard enough, it will transpire or manifest or materialize. And this is of course infantile magical thinking. That’s what generate around you an environment that will reciprocate will reciprocate. So what the narcissist is telling you is wrong. It’s a lie. It’s counterfactual. [snorts] If you try hard enough and you are sincere enough, usually things work out. But I I’m not talking about the law of attraction and other forms of magical thinking as these laws tell you that if you think hard enough or if you wish something hard enough, it will transpire or manifest or materialize. And this is of course infantile magical thinking. That’s what
19. 12:22 children believe. Children have something called magical thinking. So they believe this. They believe that their thinking, their wishes can affect reality. I’m not talking about this at all. I’m talking that if your goals are realistic, if your goals are realistic and you invest hard work, in the majority of cases, you will realize your goals. But the precondition is that these goals are realistic. Whereas a narcissist tells you, you will never be self-efficacious. Never mind what you do. You’re doomed. Without me, children believe. Children have something called magical thinking. So they believe this. They believe that their thinking, their wishes can affect reality. I’m not talking about this at all. I’m talking that if your goals are realistic, if your goals are realistic and you invest hard work, in the majority of cases, you will realize your goals. But the precondition is that these goals are realistic. Whereas a narcissist tells you, you will never be self-efficacious. Never mind what you do. You’re doomed. Without me,
20. 12:53 you need me. Without me, you can never succeed. Without me, you’re a failure. Without me, you’re a loser. You need me. You gain credit with people when you behave well. And this credit is not forgotten and not ignored. The narcissist tells you that everyone have their own reality. That people are solypistic. They’re atoms floating. there’s no in intersubjective bridge or intersubjective space that we there’s nothing we can truly share on a profound level that everything is superficial you need me. Without me, you can never succeed. Without me, you’re a failure. Without me, you’re a loser. You need me. You gain credit with people when you behave well. And this credit is not forgotten and not ignored. The narcissist tells you that everyone have their own reality. That people are solypistic. They’re atoms floating. there’s no in intersubjective bridge or intersubjective space that we there’s nothing we can truly share on a profound level that everything is superficial
21. 13:28 we’re just comparing what the French philosophers in the 1960s called the spectacle gore and the society of the spectacle so it’s all about spectacle it’s all about appearances that’s the narcissistic way of looking at the world because narcissists are focused on appearances not on substance of Of course, narcissism is impression management. It’s about impressions management. But that is not true. That is not what our knowledge of of the world and studies have shown and so on we’re just comparing what the French philosophers in the 1960s called the spectacle gore and the society of the spectacle so it’s all about spectacle it’s all about appearances that’s the narcissistic way of looking at the world because narcissists are focused on appearances not on substance of Of course, narcissism is impression management. It’s about impressions management. But that is not true. That is not what our knowledge of of the world and studies have shown and so on
22. 14:00 so forth. When we measured in multiple studies, when we measured whether people perceive reality identically or similarly, we found that the answer is yes. When people are exposed to the same reality, they tend to attribute to this reality, the same attributes and dimensions and so on, they perceive reality pretty much the same. It is not true that there is no shared experience. What is true actually that there is a shared experience. The experience is so shared that the act of sharing influences your so forth. When we measured in multiple studies, when we measured whether people perceive reality identically or similarly, we found that the answer is yes. When people are exposed to the same reality, they tend to attribute to this reality, the same attributes and dimensions and so on, they perceive reality pretty much the same. It is not true that there is no shared experience. What is true actually that there is a shared experience. The experience is so shared that the act of sharing influences your
23. 14:35 memory. When you are exposed to the same event with other people, you tend to modify your memory to conform to their memories. It’s a kind of peer pressure. So the the wish to share, the wish to have a commonality of reality, commonality of the environment is so high, so strong that it even affects your memory. Which is why of course we cannot trust memory. That is one thing the narcissist tells you and is correct. We cannot trust memories. Elizabeth Elizabeth Loftus who was a scholar who studied memory memory. When you are exposed to the same event with other people, you tend to modify your memory to conform to their memories. It’s a kind of peer pressure. So the the wish to share, the wish to have a commonality of reality, commonality of the environment is so high, so strong that it even affects your memory. Which is why of course we cannot trust memory. That is one thing the narcissist tells you and is correct. We cannot trust memories. Elizabeth Elizabeth Loftus who was a scholar who studied memory
24. 15:19 have has proven to my mind at least pretty conclusively that memory is unreliable and that therefore eyewitnesses in court are not reliable actually and we are not talking about 10% of the cases. We are talking about the majority of the cases not reliable. I will not go into it right now although it’s a fascinating topic. Our memories are not what we think they are. We have this image image of a library. We take books from a library and the memory is there but it’s completely untrue. Be that as it may, have has proven to my mind at least pretty conclusively that memory is unreliable and that therefore eyewitnesses in court are not reliable actually and we are not talking about 10% of the cases. We are talking about the majority of the cases not reliable. I will not go into it right now although it’s a fascinating topic. Our memories are not what we think they are. We have this image image of a library. We take books from a library and the memory is there but it’s completely untrue. Be that as it may,
25. 15:51 there is a shared reality and we go to great length to conform to this shared reality. The narcissist are very wrong and people are very much the same most of the time. People are constant and they’re stable and they share reality with others willingly and and this is inter subjectivity. You are seeing you’re beginning to see by now that the narcissist misleads you egregiously about reality. The narcissist falsifies your reality testing, impairs it, destroys it because the narcissist cannot allow you to there is a shared reality and we go to great length to conform to this shared reality. The narcissist are very wrong and people are very much the same most of the time. People are constant and they’re stable and they share reality with others willingly and and this is inter subjectivity. You are seeing you’re beginning to see by now that the narcissist misleads you egregiously about reality. The narcissist falsifies your reality testing, impairs it, destroys it because the narcissist cannot allow you to
26. 16:28 reside in reality. It’s when you are in reality, you’re an external object and he cannot control you. He cannot manipulate you unconsciously. It’s not gaslighting. But the effect, the impact is gaslighting. And it’s not just about what has happened yesterday. The argument is not just about he said, she said. This is a superficial superilious argument. We are talking about much deeper strata much much deeper pillars of consciousness. The narcissist doesn’t challenge challenge just your recall how you reside in reality. It’s when you are in reality, you’re an external object and he cannot control you. He cannot manipulate you unconsciously. It’s not gaslighting. But the effect, the impact is gaslighting. And it’s not just about what has happened yesterday. The argument is not just about he said, she said. This is a superficial superilious argument. We are talking about much deeper strata much much deeper pillars of consciousness. The narcissist doesn’t challenge challenge just your recall how you
27. 17:04 recall things how you remember things. The narcissist challenges your view of reality, the way you see reality, the way you see other people. He challenges you fundamentally and destroys the house that you have built over the recall things how you remember things. The narcissist challenges your view of reality, the way you see reality, the way you see other people. He challenges you fundamentally and destroys the house that you have built over the