Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Infidelity as Shared Fantasy

1. 00:04 It’s this time of year, May 2026, yet another seminar and this time in Owit. Owed is a world heritage site. It’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It is perched on a lake. It sports hundreds of exquisite churches, icons, fort and amazing architecture. It is an undiscovered gem. And so init we’re going to hold our next seminar at the end of May 2026. The Baknin Ragelovska Foundation is organizing a free seminar, no entrance fee. The seminar is going to last three and a half days. There’s going to be an It’s this time of year, May 2026, yet another seminar and this time in Owit. Owed is a world heritage site. It’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world. It is perched on a lake. It sports hundreds of exquisite churches, icons, fort and amazing architecture. It is an undiscovered gem. And so init we’re going to hold our next seminar at the end of May 2026. The Baknin Ragelovska Foundation is organizing a free seminar, no entrance fee. The seminar is going to last three and a half days. There’s going to be an
2. 00:53 opening session followed by three full days of lectures. The topic is intriguing. suggested by Vidia Rangelovska. The mouse is relationships with parents, day one, intimate partners, day two, and his or her children, day three, a progression from a disrupted relationship with the self to even more disrupted relationships with others. to reserve your free place right now. Write to me at sambvakn that’s my name atgmail.com samvaknaggmail.com write to reserve your place because we are going to rent or hire a venue based opening session followed by three full days of lectures. The topic is intriguing. suggested by Vidia Rangelovska. The mouse is relationships with parents, day one, intimate partners, day two, and his or her children, day three, a progression from a disrupted relationship with the self to even more disrupted relationships with others. to reserve your free place right now. Write to me at sambvakn that’s my name atgmail.com samvaknaggmail.com write to reserve your place because we are going to rent or hire a venue based
3. 01:44 on your participation again a free seminar three and a half days in the magnificent city of the end of May 2026 with what what could go wrong. There is a whole playlist on this channel dedicated to the shared fantasy. I think what people don’t realize is that the shared fantasy is not only an organizing principle in pathological narcissism, but it can emerge among healthy people in unusual circumstances, for example, in politics. One form of shared fantasy is known as infidelity. Cheating on your spouse or intimate on your participation again a free seminar three and a half days in the magnificent city of the end of May 2026 with what what could go wrong. There is a whole playlist on this channel dedicated to the shared fantasy. I think what people don’t realize is that the shared fantasy is not only an organizing principle in pathological narcissism, but it can emerge among healthy people in unusual circumstances, for example, in politics. One form of shared fantasy is known as infidelity. Cheating on your spouse or intimate
4. 02:32 partner involves the invocation and the introduction of a shared fantasy into your relationship and your self-induction into the shared fantasy allowing it to become your organizing principle, explanatory hermeneutic principle and main attitudinal motivational force resulting in insupressible and highly powerful emotions and the attention and cognitions that go with them. Now before we proceed, I would like to make a distinction between shirt psychosis and shared fantasy. Shared psychosis formerly known as fia or fia. partner involves the invocation and the introduction of a shared fantasy into your relationship and your self-induction into the shared fantasy allowing it to become your organizing principle, explanatory hermeneutic principle and main attitudinal motivational force resulting in insupressible and highly powerful emotions and the attention and cognitions that go with them. Now before we proceed, I would like to make a distinction between shirt psychosis and shared fantasy. Shared psychosis formerly known as fia or fia.
5. 03:16 Shared psychosis is not the same as shared fantasy. It is now known as shared psychotic disorder. It is true that shared psychosis and shared and shared fantasy involve two or multiple people but shared psychosis has its own very clear dynamic. Shared psychosis akin to a cult um has an inducer and an induced. The inducer is a primary leader thought leader. the guy who comes up or the girl who comes up with the narrative that the other members of the cult except never challenge and organize their lives Shared psychosis is not the same as shared fantasy. It is now known as shared psychotic disorder. It is true that shared psychosis and shared and shared fantasy involve two or multiple people but shared psychosis has its own very clear dynamic. Shared psychosis akin to a cult um has an inducer and an induced. The inducer is a primary leader thought leader. the guy who comes up or the girl who comes up with the narrative that the other members of the cult except never challenge and organize their lives
6. 04:01 accordingly and and their cognitions accordingly. So there is an inducer and then there is a the secondary members not the cult leader but the secondary members and they’re known as induced members. The inducer constructs the canonical and codified narrative perception of reality and the codex of rules of conduct including a list of transgressions and punishments. The induced members abide by these constructs and adhere to them. Banishment is typically the penalty for the most egregious violations of this accordingly and and their cognitions accordingly. So there is an inducer and then there is a the secondary members not the cult leader but the secondary members and they’re known as induced members. The inducer constructs the canonical and codified narrative perception of reality and the codex of rules of conduct including a list of transgressions and punishments. The induced members abide by these constructs and adhere to them. Banishment is typically the penalty for the most egregious violations of this
7. 04:39 compact. This is the structure of the shed psychosis. It inculcates and promotes a paranoid theory of everything and an idiosyncratic language. It pertains to the group, the ingroup, its dynamics, its immediate environment, its external enemies, and it makes sense of the world at large by imbuing it with purpose, direction, and a concocted piece of pseudo history. It’s counterfactual. None of these elements exist in a shared fantasy. Shared fantasy is a collaborative suralistic narrative which involves two compact. This is the structure of the shed psychosis. It inculcates and promotes a paranoid theory of everything and an idiosyncratic language. It pertains to the group, the ingroup, its dynamics, its immediate environment, its external enemies, and it makes sense of the world at large by imbuing it with purpose, direction, and a concocted piece of pseudo history. It’s counterfactual. None of these elements exist in a shared fantasy. Shared fantasy is a collaborative suralistic narrative which involves two
8. 05:21 or more equipotent partners and participants and they create together. They cocreate a dream state. The shared fantasy comes replete with imaginary goals and emergent roles for everyone involved. That much is true. But this diode moves forward as one. Shared fantasy is therefore a form of symbiosis or merger or fusion. The shed fantasy refers strictly to the members, the attributes of their emotions such as their identity or intensity, their inner dynamics, their utopian or dystopian future and some or more equipotent partners and participants and they create together. They cocreate a dream state. The shared fantasy comes replete with imaginary goals and emergent roles for everyone involved. That much is true. But this diode moves forward as one. Shared fantasy is therefore a form of symbiosis or merger or fusion. The shed fantasy refers strictly to the members, the attributes of their emotions such as their identity or intensity, their inner dynamics, their utopian or dystopian future and some
9. 06:01 unrealistic plans to make it happen or to fortold it. Now having established the terminology, let’s try to move forward. Infidelity, love affairs, cheating. What are we talking about? Many love affairs and certain types of sexual practices can mention for example certain types of BD BDSM or sadistic sex. They amount to shared fantasies because they incorporate and raify and attempt to recreate unresolved early childhood conflicts with parental figures and at the same time avoid true intimacy and unrealistic plans to make it happen or to fortold it. Now having established the terminology, let’s try to move forward. Infidelity, love affairs, cheating. What are we talking about? Many love affairs and certain types of sexual practices can mention for example certain types of BD BDSM or sadistic sex. They amount to shared fantasies because they incorporate and raify and attempt to recreate unresolved early childhood conflicts with parental figures and at the same time avoid true intimacy and
10. 06:44 realistic life goals. The love affair is a bubble. It’s a sphere detached from reality. It’s a fantastic space. It’s a playground or what we call in clinical social psychology it’s a paracosm a shared fantasy it’s a narrative space it’s a story it’s a piece of fiction it’s not real and within this story they are characters the two members of the diad in a typical love affair or multiple members in a polyamoric love affair and the members within the love affair function function exactly as realistic life goals. The love affair is a bubble. It’s a sphere detached from reality. It’s a fantastic space. It’s a playground or what we call in clinical social psychology it’s a paracosm a shared fantasy it’s a narrative space it’s a story it’s a piece of fiction it’s not real and within this story they are characters the two members of the diad in a typical love affair or multiple members in a polyamoric love affair and the members within the love affair function function exactly as
11. 07:27 characters do in a novel or in a movie or in a video game. They cocreate the story as they go along. And the story provides them with an escape from reality coupled with an alternative reality which is far more gratifying, far less challenging, non-threatening and recreates the sense of a secure base in early childhood. In all love affairs, there is an underlying tone of parenthood. Parenthood. There’s an underlying tone of parents. Um, and there is an underlying tone of infantilization. After all, love affairs are about the characters do in a novel or in a movie or in a video game. They cocreate the story as they go along. And the story provides them with an escape from reality coupled with an alternative reality which is far more gratifying, far less challenging, non-threatening and recreates the sense of a secure base in early childhood. In all love affairs, there is an underlying tone of parenthood. Parenthood. There’s an underlying tone of parents. Um, and there is an underlying tone of infantilization. After all, love affairs are about the
12. 08:23 abrogation and rejection of responsibility, accountability, commitment, investment, long-term planning. Love affairs are in the here and now. They don’t emanate from any shared or common past, and they usually don’t lead to any common future. People are emotionally or sexually unfaithful to their partners for dozens of unrelated reasons. And I have several videos dedicated to the psychology and psychopathology of love affairs, infidelity in the contemporary sexuality playlist and also in the narcissist abrogation and rejection of responsibility, accountability, commitment, investment, long-term planning. Love affairs are in the here and now. They don’t emanate from any shared or common past, and they usually don’t lead to any common future. People are emotionally or sexually unfaithful to their partners for dozens of unrelated reasons. And I have several videos dedicated to the psychology and psychopathology of love affairs, infidelity in the contemporary sexuality playlist and also in the narcissist
13. 09:04 sexuality playlist. So you go to these playlist and you will learn a lot more about cheating, infidelity, love affairs, promiscuity and so on. But I would like to emphasize that often an affair is merely an attempt at selfexloration. The participants in the affair explore themselves through the love affair. It’s like testing yourself to the limit to it’s like stress testing. It’s like torsion and and extortion. It’s it’s a way to discover and explore and experiment with parts of yourself, sexuality playlist. So you go to these playlist and you will learn a lot more about cheating, infidelity, love affairs, promiscuity and so on. But I would like to emphasize that often an affair is merely an attempt at selfexloration. The participants in the affair explore themselves through the love affair. It’s like testing yourself to the limit to it’s like stress testing. It’s like torsion and and extortion. It’s it’s a way to discover and explore and experiment with parts of yourself,
14. 09:46 regions of yourself which were hitherto inaccessible incognito. So love affair is very love affairs are very adventurous but they are adventurous not necessarily because the of the surreptitious nature or because of the hidden messages or because of the the code words or because of the asignations or because of the passwords on the smartphone or they are adventurous because of the self-discovery because a love affair allows you to explore yourself and to reinvent yourself to become someone else. In regions of yourself which were hitherto inaccessible incognito. So love affair is very love affairs are very adventurous but they are adventurous not necessarily because the of the surreptitious nature or because of the hidden messages or because of the the code words or because of the asignations or because of the passwords on the smartphone or they are adventurous because of the self-discovery because a love affair allows you to explore yourself and to reinvent yourself to become someone else. In
15. 10:23 effect, in some cases, cheating, whether in a love leazison or a one night stand, is the only way to transition out of an addictive relationship founded on trauma bonding or even mere pity. Sometimes a love affair is intended to prove to yourself that you need to exit an existing relationship, even if the partner is not aware of the transgression. The offending party is and it is often enough to bring about a separation. Intimacy with the third party is empowering. It restores the cheaters self-esteem and effect, in some cases, cheating, whether in a love leazison or a one night stand, is the only way to transition out of an addictive relationship founded on trauma bonding or even mere pity. Sometimes a love affair is intended to prove to yourself that you need to exit an existing relationship, even if the partner is not aware of the transgression. The offending party is and it is often enough to bring about a separation. Intimacy with the third party is empowering. It restores the cheaters self-esteem and
16. 11:06 self-confidence. It makes the participants in the love affair feel desirable. they they are less tolerant of each other’s absence and um because it’s it becomes intoxicating and addictive. They see themselves they apprehend and perceive themselves through the other person’s gaze as lovable, desirable and ideal. And this stands in stark contrast to the existing relationship where they are rejected or maltreated. Having alternatives does wonders to one’s sense of personal autonomy and self-confidence. It makes the participants in the love affair feel desirable. they they are less tolerant of each other’s absence and um because it’s it becomes intoxicating and addictive. They see themselves they apprehend and perceive themselves through the other person’s gaze as lovable, desirable and ideal. And this stands in stark contrast to the existing relationship where they are rejected or maltreated. Having alternatives does wonders to one’s sense of personal autonomy and
17. 11:48 self-efficacious agency. Being loved by an outsider, even if only briefly and physically, proves to the straying party that she or he deserve better. So there is a moral aspect ironically to cheating because when you cheat, you very often perceive it as a form of self-love. Infidelity is often mispersceived by the by the cheating partners as self-love. I deserved it. They feel entitled. And in this sense, of course, infidelity is a strong indicator of narcissism. It’s also a way of course to sever sever self-efficacious agency. Being loved by an outsider, even if only briefly and physically, proves to the straying party that she or he deserve better. So there is a moral aspect ironically to cheating because when you cheat, you very often perceive it as a form of self-love. Infidelity is often mispersceived by the by the cheating partners as self-love. I deserved it. They feel entitled. And in this sense, of course, infidelity is a strong indicator of narcissism. It’s also a way of course to sever sever
18. 12:38 the emotional bonding conferred by exclusivity to disinvest in and divest from the failed diode. In clinical paralance or psychoanalytical paralance we would say that infidelity is about decafexis withdrawing from an existing bond or diode or couple. And one way of doing this is by misbehaving. Because when you misbehave, you anticipate punishment. You you feel that you deserve the punishment. You anticipate it. And as you anticipate it, you it’s a form of selfdeeat or self-destructiveness. And the emotional bonding conferred by exclusivity to disinvest in and divest from the failed diode. In clinical paralance or psychoanalytical paralance we would say that infidelity is about decafexis withdrawing from an existing bond or diode or couple. And one way of doing this is by misbehaving. Because when you misbehave, you anticipate punishment. You you feel that you deserve the punishment. You anticipate it. And as you anticipate it, you it’s a form of selfdeeat or self-destructiveness. And
19. 13:17 as you anticipate it, you feel legitimized to run away like I did something wrong. I’m about to be punished, but I’m defending myself by running away. And you run away to whom? To the partner in the love affair, to your lover. Sometimes desperate to eject, cheaters serve trash recklessly with highly inappropriate partners and in insilubrious and reckless circumstances in order to render themselves damaged goods and make it easier for their partners to give up on them. Sometimes infidelity is a way of as you anticipate it, you feel legitimized to run away like I did something wrong. I’m about to be punished, but I’m defending myself by running away. And you run away to whom? To the partner in the love affair, to your lover. Sometimes desperate to eject, cheaters serve trash recklessly with highly inappropriate partners and in insilubrious and reckless circumstances in order to render themselves damaged goods and make it easier for their partners to give up on them. Sometimes infidelity is a way of
20. 13:55 communicating to the partner, “I’m broken. I’m damaged. I’m hopeless. Don’t invest in me. Throw me away. Discard me. Let me go.” With narcissistic, borderline, and psychopathic cheaters. The actresses injured grandiosity. The hidden and forbidden makes them feel special and unique and superior, as well as righteously vengeful and omnipotent. They settle scores by cheating. They leverage cheating and weaponize it. But this is unique to the subgroup of um cheaters who are borderline psychopathic communicating to the partner, “I’m broken. I’m damaged. I’m hopeless. Don’t invest in me. Throw me away. Discard me. Let me go.” With narcissistic, borderline, and psychopathic cheaters. The actresses injured grandiosity. The hidden and forbidden makes them feel special and unique and superior, as well as righteously vengeful and omnipotent. They settle scores by cheating. They leverage cheating and weaponize it. But this is unique to the subgroup of um cheaters who are borderline psychopathic
21. 14:34 and narcissistic. The vast majority of people who cheat are more or less mentally healthy. They may have perhaps some dark elements of the personality, but they are more more or less healthy. One must take into account that half the population have admitted to cheating. which means that probably 80% have cheated. Do you need a special type of personality to cheat? No. Actually, studies have conclusively demonstrated time and again over many decades that in the case of men, the main um the main um and narcissistic. The vast majority of people who cheat are more or less mentally healthy. They may have perhaps some dark elements of the personality, but they are more more or less healthy. One must take into account that half the population have admitted to cheating. which means that probably 80% have cheated. Do you need a special type of personality to cheat? No. Actually, studies have conclusively demonstrated time and again over many decades that in the case of men, the main um the main um
22. 15:10 predictors of cheating is availability of a potential partner. If someone is available, men are likely to cheat. In the case of women, there is a more complex narrative which I suspect is self-justifying and that is a narrative of emotional neglect and lack of love and I don’t know what. I think women are just adhering to social and and and cultural expectations. I think women cheat exactly for the same reason that men cheat. And I think people cheat because it’s a biological uh drive coupled predictors of cheating is availability of a potential partner. If someone is available, men are likely to cheat. In the case of women, there is a more complex narrative which I suspect is self-justifying and that is a narrative of emotional neglect and lack of love and I don’t know what. I think women are just adhering to social and and and cultural expectations. I think women cheat exactly for the same reason that men cheat. And I think people cheat because it’s a biological uh drive coupled
23. 15:48 with a lack of resources, a lack of ability to cope with psychological stress and distress in productive ways. Most people most people don’t know how to cope with problematic internal psychological dynamics. They they act instead of thinking. They act instead of experiencing emotions. They act instead of analyzing. They act instead of planning. Action becomes a substitute to sourceing, introspection, wisdom. Action is immediate. Action provides escape. Action can form a substitute to reality. with a lack of resources, a lack of ability to cope with psychological stress and distress in productive ways. Most people most people don’t know how to cope with problematic internal psychological dynamics. They they act instead of thinking. They act instead of experiencing emotions. They act instead of analyzing. They act instead of planning. Action becomes a substitute to sourceing, introspection, wisdom. Action is immediate. Action provides escape. Action can form a substitute to reality.
24. 16:34 As I said in a shared fantasy, action is a form of signaling to oneself and to others and and to the injured partner. And action can take you away from impossible situations. Love affair can take you away from situations that you find intolerable, burdensome, unbearable, hopeless, without a future and so on. Most people are limited and love affairs and infidelity reflect actually this very fact that people are limited and they are not always the brightest stars in the galaxy and they don’t always have the resources they were will As I said in a shared fantasy, action is a form of signaling to oneself and to others and and to the injured partner. And action can take you away from impossible situations. Love affair can take you away from situations that you find intolerable, burdensome, unbearable, hopeless, without a future and so on. Most people are limited and love affairs and infidelity reflect actually this very fact that people are limited and they are not always the brightest stars in the galaxy and they don’t always have the resources they were will
25. 17:16 the capacity to act as adults. Above all above all infidelity is a form of regression to infancy. It’s about being an eternal adolescent. It’s about not growing up. It’s about never having become an adult. And this is why infidelity has exploded in the past few decades as we have lost our capacity to grow up and face the world. the capacity to act as adults. Above all above all infidelity is a form of regression to infancy. It’s about being an eternal adolescent. It’s about not growing up. It’s about never having become an adult. And this is why infidelity has exploded in the past few decades as we have lost our capacity to grow up and face the world.