Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Narcissist: I Never Fail, Defeat Not an Option

1. 00:03 Sometimes you come across narcissists who keep telling you how great they are. They have never failed. Failure is not an option. They’re always right. And sometimes you come across narcissists who emphasize the exact opposite. How victimized they are. And victimhood is a type of failure. To be victimized, one first must misjudge people. It’s a failure of judgment. You associate with the wrong people. You tie your fate to the wrong people. You have a relationship with the wrong people. Wrong is the key word. Victimhood always Sometimes you come across narcissists who keep telling you how great they are. They have never failed. Failure is not an option. They’re always right. And sometimes you come across narcissists who emphasize the exact opposite. How victimized they are. And victimhood is a type of failure. To be victimized, one first must misjudge people. It’s a failure of judgment. You associate with the wrong people. You tie your fate to the wrong people. You have a relationship with the wrong people. Wrong is the key word. Victimhood always
2. 00:43 goes hand in hand with bad choices, wrong decisions, and a general atmosphere of defeat. So we have these two types of narcissists. One of them emphasizes their god-like infallibility, their utter unmitigated success and the very fact that they have never been wrong about anything. And then you have the other type, the other group of narcissists who emphasize their incapacity to make the right choices and decisions and their recurrent gullibility and victimhood. Now in literature some would suggest goes hand in hand with bad choices, wrong decisions, and a general atmosphere of defeat. So we have these two types of narcissists. One of them emphasizes their god-like infallibility, their utter unmitigated success and the very fact that they have never been wrong about anything. And then you have the other type, the other group of narcissists who emphasize their incapacity to make the right choices and decisions and their recurrent gullibility and victimhood. Now in literature some would suggest
3. 01:26 that the first type of narcissist is the overt narcissist whereas the second type of narcissist is the covert narcissist and this is largely true. But we do come across overt narcissists who belong to the second type and we definitely come across covert narcissists who belong to the first type. Additionally, every narcissist, overt or covert, go goes through phases. Every overt narcissist has covert phases. And every covert narcissist undergoes overt periods or overt stages. Overt and covert are different states of that the first type of narcissist is the overt narcissist whereas the second type of narcissist is the covert narcissist and this is largely true. But we do come across overt narcissists who belong to the second type and we definitely come across covert narcissists who belong to the first type. Additionally, every narcissist, overt or covert, go goes through phases. Every overt narcissist has covert phases. And every covert narcissist undergoes overt periods or overt stages. Overt and covert are different states of
4. 02:10 pathological narcissism regardless of which of them is dominant throughout the lifespan of the narcissist. So today we’re going to discuss the narcissist complicated relationship with failure. You know these Facebook pages where it says relationships it’s complicated. That’s the narcissist relationship with truth and with failure. the topic of today’s video and a propo failure. My name is Sam Vaknin and I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a professor of psychology. pathological narcissism regardless of which of them is dominant throughout the lifespan of the narcissist. So today we’re going to discuss the narcissist complicated relationship with failure. You know these Facebook pages where it says relationships it’s complicated. That’s the narcissist relationship with truth and with failure. the topic of today’s video and a propo failure. My name is Sam Vaknin and I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited and a professor of psychology.
5. 02:45 Before we proceed, I’m glad to announce another three and a half day seminar in ohid o h r i d ohid. It’s a city in northern Macedonia. It’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world. UNESCO heritage site and we’re going to have a seminar there. Three and a half days. The seminar is completely free. You just have to get there and um if you would like to reserve a seat because by now 105 seats are reserved and the capacity of the of the lecture hall is 160 people. So hurry up. Before we proceed, I’m glad to announce another three and a half day seminar in ohid o h r i d ohid. It’s a city in northern Macedonia. It’s one of the most beautiful cities in the world. UNESCO heritage site and we’re going to have a seminar there. Three and a half days. The seminar is completely free. You just have to get there and um if you would like to reserve a seat because by now 105 seats are reserved and the capacity of the of the lecture hall is 160 people. So hurry up.
6. 03:22 If you want to reserve a seat, write to me. Um, sam vaknin@gmail.com. You can also go to the description. You will find my email address there. Click on it and write to me. Professor Sam, please reserve a seat for me or one or two or three. I’ve had requests for three seats. Actually, now that I’m looking at the statistics, 121 places have been reserved, not 105. My mistake. Okay. So there’s 40 places left. Hurry up. Let us discuss failure. Hopefully not in the context of the seminar. If you want to reserve a seat, write to me. Um, sam vaknin@gmail.com. You can also go to the description. You will find my email address there. Click on it and write to me. Professor Sam, please reserve a seat for me or one or two or three. I’ve had requests for three seats. Actually, now that I’m looking at the statistics, 121 places have been reserved, not 105. My mistake. Okay. So there’s 40 places left. Hurry up. Let us discuss failure. Hopefully not in the context of the seminar.
7. 04:01 Failure is a complicated situation because it’s largely a state of mind, not a state of being. Exactly like trauma. Failure is not an objective condition which can be observed and quantified by outsiders. Failure exactly like trauma is a reaction to changing circumstances, environments and inputs from other people. Failure in other words is a reframing of data of stimuli of information emanating from the environment. Some people would define the very same set of events and circumstances as success rather than Failure is a complicated situation because it’s largely a state of mind, not a state of being. Exactly like trauma. Failure is not an objective condition which can be observed and quantified by outsiders. Failure exactly like trauma is a reaction to changing circumstances, environments and inputs from other people. Failure in other words is a reframing of data of stimuli of information emanating from the environment. Some people would define the very same set of events and circumstances as success rather than
8. 04:40 failure. So it’s a highly subjective judgment. failure and yet it is an overwhelming overpowering emotion or set constellation of emotions. When one experiences failure, there is a diminishment in self-esteem and self-confidence. There’s an undermining and a destabilization of the sense of selfworth. There is there are echoes of the past resonating kind of uh reividness reviving ancient memories of failure. In other words, there’s a failure cascade. A single failure resonates with all the failures that you failure. So it’s a highly subjective judgment. failure and yet it is an overwhelming overpowering emotion or set constellation of emotions. When one experiences failure, there is a diminishment in self-esteem and self-confidence. There’s an undermining and a destabilization of the sense of selfworth. There is there are echoes of the past resonating kind of uh reividness reviving ancient memories of failure. In other words, there’s a failure cascade. A single failure resonates with all the failures that you
9. 05:23 have had throughout your life is reminiscent of them. That is why our reaction to failure is disproportional because we are not reacting to any single event or or a coalition of events. We are reacting to every failure we have ever had starting with early childhood. And so failure is a very profound and to some extent traumatizing thing. Narcissists don’t cope well with failure. You should remember that the narcissist has no design the sign. Design is a is a word coined by Haidiger. The sign means a presence in reality have had throughout your life is reminiscent of them. That is why our reaction to failure is disproportional because we are not reacting to any single event or or a coalition of events. We are reacting to every failure we have ever had starting with early childhood. And so failure is a very profound and to some extent traumatizing thing. Narcissists don’t cope well with failure. You should remember that the narcissist has no design the sign. Design is a is a word coined by Haidiger. The sign means a presence in reality
10. 06:07 imbuing reality with some kind of significance or meaning. And therefore by being present in reality and by deciphering or decoding reality all the time on the fly one acquires a sense of being a sense of what Sarta called much later authenticity. Narcissists have not a sign. They are not grounded in reality. They’re definitely not alive in the present. Their existence has no meaning whatsoever except the meaning they infuse it with via the fantasy. And they are not authentic. They’re fake. They imbuing reality with some kind of significance or meaning. And therefore by being present in reality and by deciphering or decoding reality all the time on the fly one acquires a sense of being a sense of what Sarta called much later authenticity. Narcissists have not a sign. They are not grounded in reality. They’re definitely not alive in the present. Their existence has no meaning whatsoever except the meaning they infuse it with via the fantasy. And they are not authentic. They’re fake. They
11. 06:46 are a false self. And because narcissists have no grounding in reality, only in fantasy, their failures acquire mythological cosmic proportions. Even a tiny failure is magnified and amplified beyond toleration becomes unbearable and intolerable. Narcissists cannot countenance even the slightest failure because failure signifies that they are less than perfect. They are not omniscient. They are not omnipotent. They’re not godlike. Failure pierces the bubble of the grandio inflated fantastic self-concept are a false self. And because narcissists have no grounding in reality, only in fantasy, their failures acquire mythological cosmic proportions. Even a tiny failure is magnified and amplified beyond toleration becomes unbearable and intolerable. Narcissists cannot countenance even the slightest failure because failure signifies that they are less than perfect. They are not omniscient. They are not omnipotent. They’re not godlike. Failure pierces the bubble of the grandio inflated fantastic self-concept
12. 07:31 which a narcissist spends a lifetime protecting and defending and firewalling. And at the same time, failure upholds victimhood. And this is where the complicated aspect comes into play. On the one hand, narcissists hate to fail. They’re terrified of failure because as I said failure communicates to them that their self-perception, their self-image is false, is fake, is wrong. So grandiosity is being demolished and eradicated and obliterated by failure. On the other hand, failure signifies victimhood. which a narcissist spends a lifetime protecting and defending and firewalling. And at the same time, failure upholds victimhood. And this is where the complicated aspect comes into play. On the one hand, narcissists hate to fail. They’re terrified of failure because as I said failure communicates to them that their self-perception, their self-image is false, is fake, is wrong. So grandiosity is being demolished and eradicated and obliterated by failure. On the other hand, failure signifies victimhood.
13. 08:13 So having failed the narcissist can aggrandise himself via victimhood. The narcissist could say for example, I have failed but it’s not my fault. I have been victimized by people who envy me and hate me. We’ll come to it a bit later. And this is the ambivalent, ambiguous, equivocal relationship the narcissist has with failure. On the one hand, the narcissist does everything in his or her power to avoid failure, to reframe failure, to pretend that there’s no failure. On the other hand, the So having failed the narcissist can aggrandise himself via victimhood. The narcissist could say for example, I have failed but it’s not my fault. I have been victimized by people who envy me and hate me. We’ll come to it a bit later. And this is the ambivalent, ambiguous, equivocal relationship the narcissist has with failure. On the one hand, the narcissist does everything in his or her power to avoid failure, to reframe failure, to pretend that there’s no failure. On the other hand, the
14. 08:53 narcissist self-destructively and self-defeatingly seeks failure all the time because then the narcissist can feel egoonic. The narcissist can feel good with himself or herself having been victimized. Narcissists regard victimhood as an elevated moral position, attaining the high moral ground in a morality play. Narcissists split the world into all bad and all good. And being a victim means that you’re all good. And there’s no way to be a victim except through failure. Initially, narcissists reframe failure narcissist self-destructively and self-defeatingly seeks failure all the time because then the narcissist can feel egoonic. The narcissist can feel good with himself or herself having been victimized. Narcissists regard victimhood as an elevated moral position, attaining the high moral ground in a morality play. Narcissists split the world into all bad and all good. And being a victim means that you’re all good. And there’s no way to be a victim except through failure. Initially, narcissists reframe failure
15. 09:34 and defeat as resounding successes. They they create all kinds of narratives where what would appear to outside observers to be unmitigated failure and vanquish defeat they would claim is not the case. For example, they would say quality matters more than quantity. Maybe I didn’t make so much money, but I made it the honest way. or the money I’ve made had a huge impact on the community or I have made made just enough money for my needs. I chose to not make it more money. That’s an example of reframing failure and defeat and defeat as resounding successes. They they create all kinds of narratives where what would appear to outside observers to be unmitigated failure and vanquish defeat they would claim is not the case. For example, they would say quality matters more than quantity. Maybe I didn’t make so much money, but I made it the honest way. or the money I’ve made had a huge impact on the community or I have made made just enough money for my needs. I chose to not make it more money. That’s an example of reframing failure and defeat
16. 10:18 as morally abstanding or as life a lifestyle choice or as concerned with the well-being of others or as uh some kind of sacrifice for the greater good. It’s a delusional fantasy. The narcissist would rearrange the pieces of the furniture, rearrange the events that would have led to the failure and the defeat so as to yield some kind of superiority and supremacy. And this is one way reframing. Another way is to reframe failure and defeat as proof of victimhood. Not only victimhood but resilience, as morally abstanding or as life a lifestyle choice or as concerned with the well-being of others or as uh some kind of sacrifice for the greater good. It’s a delusional fantasy. The narcissist would rearrange the pieces of the furniture, rearrange the events that would have led to the failure and the defeat so as to yield some kind of superiority and supremacy. And this is one way reframing. Another way is to reframe failure and defeat as proof of victimhood. Not only victimhood but resilience,
17. 11:03 some kind of evidence of personal strength, grittiness in the face of adversity and consp conspiracy. This is known as the external solution and is described extensively in the work of Libby. The narcissist would say, “I may have failed. I may have been defeated, but this has happened because uh or because I am besieged by enemies, people who want to take me down, people who envy me, people who wish to destroy me, people who are evil and malevolent and malicious. And I’m the soul saint. I’m fighting some kind of evidence of personal strength, grittiness in the face of adversity and consp conspiracy. This is known as the external solution and is described extensively in the work of Libby. The narcissist would say, “I may have failed. I may have been defeated, but this has happened because uh or because I am besieged by enemies, people who want to take me down, people who envy me, people who wish to destroy me, people who are evil and malevolent and malicious. And I’m the soul saint. I’m fighting
18. 11:49 back. But despite having failed, despite having been defeated, despite having been relentlessly and callously victimized, look at me. I’m a survivor. I’m resilient. I’m greedy. I’m strong. In the face of adversity, in the face of conspiracy, in the face of reality, I have prevailed. And in a way, I’m a winner. I snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. That’s one very classical, very common reframing in pathological narcissism. Another form of reframing is known as the internal solution. Against this back. But despite having failed, despite having been defeated, despite having been relentlessly and callously victimized, look at me. I’m a survivor. I’m resilient. I’m greedy. I’m strong. In the face of adversity, in the face of conspiracy, in the face of reality, I have prevailed. And in a way, I’m a winner. I snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. That’s one very classical, very common reframing in pathological narcissism. Another form of reframing is known as the internal solution. Against this
19. 12:36 again, this is described first in Libbyy’s work in the 80s. The internal solution requires reframing as well. There is no way the narcissist could face his defeat or his failure and say, “Yeah, you know what? I was wrong. I’ve made a mistake. I’m learning from this. I’ve been defeated. I have failed and it’s all my fault. I should change my ways. I should amend my behavior. I should do something.” Narcissist would never assume responsibility and would never feel accountable for whatever has again, this is described first in Libbyy’s work in the 80s. The internal solution requires reframing as well. There is no way the narcissist could face his defeat or his failure and say, “Yeah, you know what? I was wrong. I’ve made a mistake. I’m learning from this. I’ve been defeated. I have failed and it’s all my fault. I should change my ways. I should amend my behavior. I should do something.” Narcissist would never assume responsibility and would never feel accountable for whatever has
20. 13:13 happened. And so because of that they need to reframe the failure and the defeat. So another way to reframe is to say it may appear to be a failure. It may look to you as a defeat but actually under the surface and behind the scenes this was a deliberate choice. I made it happen. I wanted it to happen. I engineered. I manipulated. I orchestrated everything and everyone to yield this solution that I wanted. The defeat and the failure. Remember what Jesus says in the New Testament. My crucifixion is my choice. I made it happened. And so because of that they need to reframe the failure and the defeat. So another way to reframe is to say it may appear to be a failure. It may look to you as a defeat but actually under the surface and behind the scenes this was a deliberate choice. I made it happen. I wanted it to happen. I engineered. I manipulated. I orchestrated everything and everyone to yield this solution that I wanted. The defeat and the failure. Remember what Jesus says in the New Testament. My crucifixion is my choice. I made it
21. 13:57 happen. I have led the Romans to me. I have dispatched Judas to betray me. Everything has been under my control. I made it happen. Uh yes, it’s a narcissistic reaction of course. And so this is known as the internal solution. The defeat and failure are not a defeat and failure. They’re actual choices. They’re inevitable stages on the way to unprecedented success, learning opportunities, and general improvement in one’s condition. So we have these two forms of reframing. The external solution. happen. I have led the Romans to me. I have dispatched Judas to betray me. Everything has been under my control. I made it happen. Uh yes, it’s a narcissistic reaction of course. And so this is known as the internal solution. The defeat and failure are not a defeat and failure. They’re actual choices. They’re inevitable stages on the way to unprecedented success, learning opportunities, and general improvement in one’s condition. So we have these two forms of reframing. The external solution.
22. 14:37 I’m a saint. I’m a victim. I’m a survivor. And the internal solution, I’m the puppet master. I’m pulling the strings. I’m the one who has made all this happen. So in both cases, it’s not a defeat, it’s not a failure. There’s an issue here of what we call in clinical psychology self-enhancement. And so one way to avoid the perception of failure and defeat is to devalue the sources, the reasons and the causes and the drivers of the failure. Like the people who made me fail, the I’m a saint. I’m a victim. I’m a survivor. And the internal solution, I’m the puppet master. I’m pulling the strings. I’m the one who has made all this happen. So in both cases, it’s not a defeat, it’s not a failure. There’s an issue here of what we call in clinical psychology self-enhancement. And so one way to avoid the perception of failure and defeat is to devalue the sources, the reasons and the causes and the drivers of the failure. Like the people who made me fail, the
23. 15:15 people who defeated me, they’re worthless. They’re trash. They’re junk. Who cares? I’m perfect because I’m perfect. I’m envied. And because I’m envied, I’m undermined. But the people who are undermining me are subhuman. They’re not worthy of my attention. I’m not not going to dignify their strategys and conspiracies with a reaction. So devaluing other people, devaluing the circumstances or the settings of the failure and defeat. um like saying you know it’s a club I people who defeated me, they’re worthless. They’re trash. They’re junk. Who cares? I’m perfect because I’m perfect. I’m envied. And because I’m envied, I’m undermined. But the people who are undermining me are subhuman. They’re not worthy of my attention. I’m not not going to dignify their strategys and conspiracies with a reaction. So devaluing other people, devaluing the circumstances or the settings of the failure and defeat. um like saying you know it’s a club I
24. 15:55 don’t want to belong to or who cares about this environment. This deep process of devaluation leads to self-enhancement. And the message here is what appears to you outside observers as failure and defeat is actually meaningless to me. See if I care. Who cares? It didn’t touch me. It had no impact on me. And because it had no impact on me, it’s not a failure and it’s not a defeat because failure and defeat require emotional correlates. Failure and defeat corrode you and erode you from the inside. And don’t want to belong to or who cares about this environment. This deep process of devaluation leads to self-enhancement. And the message here is what appears to you outside observers as failure and defeat is actually meaningless to me. See if I care. Who cares? It didn’t touch me. It had no impact on me. And because it had no impact on me, it’s not a failure and it’s not a defeat because failure and defeat require emotional correlates. Failure and defeat corrode you and erode you from the inside. And
25. 16:37 if you are impervious to failure and defeat, if you are shielded, if you have a firewall and the failure and defeat cannot reach into you, then they’re meaningless. And that is another way the narcissist copes with failures and defeats. He simply pretends they’re not there or they’re meaningless. You see that narcissists have multiple mechanisms and designs and strategies to cope with failure and defeat mostly denying their existence one way or another. On the other hand, failure and if you are impervious to failure and defeat, if you are shielded, if you have a firewall and the failure and defeat cannot reach into you, then they’re meaningless. And that is another way the narcissist copes with failures and defeats. He simply pretends they’re not there or they’re meaningless. You see that narcissists have multiple mechanisms and designs and strategies to cope with failure and defeat mostly denying their existence one way or another. On the other hand, failure and
26. 17:14 defeat can come handy if the main orientation of the narcissist is victimhood. If the narcissist is a failure that obtaining narcissistic supply any other way, then being a constant failure, being a constant victim, being an unimaginably defeated person, being someone whose bankruptcy has been the biggest in history and whose failure has been unprecedented. That’s also a form of grandiosity. It’s also a way to elevate oneself above others. If your bankruptcy has been the biggest in history, you’re unique. defeat can come handy if the main orientation of the narcissist is victimhood. If the narcissist is a failure that obtaining narcissistic supply any other way, then being a constant failure, being a constant victim, being an unimaginably defeated person, being someone whose bankruptcy has been the biggest in history and whose failure has been unprecedented. That’s also a form of grandiosity. It’s also a way to elevate oneself above others. If your bankruptcy has been the biggest in history, you’re unique.
27. 17:52 You’re special. In other words, you’re godlike. You’re special. In other words, you’re godlike.