Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Code-switching Narcissist (False Self)

1. 00:02 Recently, I’ve been emphasizing the fact that the false self is about belonging, about becoming a part of a group, about conforming, about appearing to be normal. At the same time, there is a duality in the false self and in every other aspect of pathological narcissism. ological
2. 00:27 narcissism is self-contradictory and this duality consists of the following. On the one hand, the narcissist wants as I said to belong. The narcissist wants to identify with the values, beliefs and goals and directions and attitudes and motivations
3. 00:48 of society at large. And in this sense all narcissists aspire to become pro-social, dream of becoming conventional in many ways. One could even say that narcissists are pity bourgeois. They are middle class in in their thinking. They are suburban.
4. 01:10 And at the same time, the false self is godlike. There is a self-concept in pathological narcissism. The narcissist perceives himself or herself as superior, as unique, as unprecedented, as amazing and fascinating. A a a an agent of a cosmic mission.
5. 01:34 And of course, the two points of view are irreconcilable. On the one hand, if you want to belong, you need to be common. You need to be average. You need to become like other people. If on the other hand you perceive yourself as divine, if you perceive yourself as supreme
6. 01:59 in many ways, untouchable, invulnerable, immune, um hyper intelligent, drop deadad gorgeous, whatever the locus of control may be, locus of grandiosity may be. If you perceive yourself as standing apart from the madding crowd not belonging then of course this contradicts the main
7. 02:21 one of the main functions of the false self which is to belong. On the one hand you want to belong on the other hand you don’t want to belong as a narcissist. No, narcissism. Narcissists um experience this this internal duality as a conflict, as a transmutation of aggression.
8. 02:43 The narcissist approaches and then avoids. But the narcissist avoids by devaluing other people, by disparaging them, by holding them in contempt and disdain. That’s a narcissist’s way of resenting his or her own dependence on other people. Narcissists need other people.
9. 03:06 Pathological narcissism by definition is pro-social because the source of regulation or source of self-regulation in pathological narcissism is other people. Whereas normal healthy people regulate from the inside, the narcissist regulates from the outside via the
10. 03:27 feedback and input of other people. The narcissist needs other people to provide him or her with narcissistic supply. And there is a clash of the titans. There is a battle between the narcissist’s neediness, the narcissist’s clinging dependence on
11. 03:44 the one hand, the narcissist’s inability to continue to exist or to experience his or her own being without the presence of other people on the one hand and on the other hand the narcissist resentment of this dependence. The narcissist hates other people and
12. 04:04 holds them in contempt precisely because he or she is dependent on them. And so this duality is reflected in the false self. Looking from the outside, observing the false self from the outside, what do we what do we see? We see someone who wants to be rich and famous.
13. 04:26 Someone who wants to have a family and wants to be appear to be normal. someone who wants to belong. Even if the belonging is in the form of leadership or supremacy of some kind or superiority of some kind, it still is about an in-roup and an outgroup. So
14. 04:43 there is a lot of conformity here on on the one hand and on the other hand we see someone who is antagonistic, conflictprone, contemptuous, violent, aggressive, unpleasant, obnoxious and this is what is known as the approach avoidance repetition compulsion. Okay,
15. 05:09 in a previous video that I’ve made the false self as a form of sublimation, I discussed the conformity aspects of the false self. How the false self creates a caricature of normality or normaly which then the narcissist adopts. The false self exaggerates
16. 05:30 what other people perceive as values or beliefs, goals. So whereas other people want to make money, the narcissist wants to be rich. While other people want to be recognized for the accomplishments, the narcissist wants to be a celebrity, wants to be famous. It’s all like a
17. 05:44 ricocho. It’s all an exaggeration, over-the-top extrapolation of normality and normaly. Normaly, by the way, is the statistical aspect of normality. Okay, this was in the previous video. What about this video? In this video, I’m going to discuss code switching. I’m
18. 06:07 going to propose that the false self is a form of code switching and that code switching is the mechanism which allows the false self to somehow seamlessly integrate in society. When narcissist becomes successful, accomplished, recognized, admired even and agulated.
19. 06:28 When narcissists become powerful, when they become leaders and decision makers and so on so forth, it is all the outcome of this mechanism of code switching which is deployed by the false self to present what her collectly called the mask of sanity. The narcissist sanity is a mask
20. 06:50 and behind this mask there is absolutely nothing. insanity masquerading as a presence whereas in reality it’s merely an absence. My name is Sambakin. I’m the author of malignant self- loveve narcissism revisited. I’m a professor of psychology and my latest accomplishment is this
21. 07:13 haircut. Okayim let’s delve right in. What on earth is code switching? Code switching is a linguistic term. It’s when you shift from one linguistic code, one language or one dialect to another depending on the social context, depending where you are, who you’re
22. 07:38 with, the conversational setting. You don’t talk the same way to, for example, childhood friends as you would to your boss. and you don’t speak the same way when you make a speech or a lecture as when you you know order groceries in the in the mart. So
23. 07:59 we all have multiple sets of language and we use we switch between these languages language types we switch between them. Now don’t confuse this with idiocts. Idioct is a language that is idiosyncratic that is private that is non-communicable.
24. 08:23 In essence, the language which you use to communicate with yourself and also the eccentricities of the language that you use when you communicate with other people, the unique signature if you wish, your footprint which renders you immediately identifiable as you. Don’t
25. 08:44 confuse idiocts with code switching. So, an example um examples that have been studied with Hispanics and black people in the United States, they tend to use one language in the inroup when they are among the the among other black people or other Hispanics and completely
26. 09:08 different language when they talk to white people. That is code switching. Social linguists, social psychologists, identity researchers, they all invested a lot of effort in studying the phenomenon of code switching. Code switching is very typical among
27. 09:28 members of minority ethnic groups. It is used in two ways. To shape and maintain a sense of identity and a sense of belonging on the one hand and on the other hand to manipulate members of the out group to manipulate members who are not of the same ethnic minority in order
28. 09:50 to accomplish some goals for example to get a job. So code switching has a co a an affiliative aspect an aspect of belonging an aspect of conformity on the one hand look at the way I talk I’m like you so we are both members of the same group and on the other hand it has a
29. 10:13 machavelian manipulative aspect convincing people outside the ethnic group outside the inroup that you are actually like them, not like members of your ethnic group. But it doesn’t have to be ethnicity. Um, in gender studies, we know that code switching happens.
30. 10:36 Many women nowadays use the language of masculinity, ambition, power, money. This is a form of code switching. Code switching happens in religious settings and and among different age groups when different age groups communicate. So we have intergenerational code switching. Code
31. 10:59 switching is any situation where you have to communicate with people who you do not whom you do not identify with. You don’t feel that you are like the the same like these people. So you switch to their language. you adopt their language in order to be able to communicate with
32. 11:16 them. Of course, whenever you switch code, whenever you use a language that is not your own, that does a language that does not characterize your inroup. At that moment, you are denying your identity. You’re losing it. In effect, this is a kind of false self. You are
33. 11:39 putting on a facade. So if you are a black American and when you’re among other black Americans, you use a specific type of language and then when you talk to white people, you use a completely different language. What you’re doing actually, you’re denying your blackness,
34. 12:01 you’re denying the essence of who you are. You’re becoming someone else. You’re putting you’re putting on a show, a facade, a mask, a persona. You are becoming not you, which is a great definition of the false self and of pathological narcissism more generally.
35. 12:20 Code switching underlies the very mechanism of suppressing the true self and identifying with a false self. It’s a form of code switching. The linguists uh Benjamin Warf and Edward Sapier they said that language has the power to shape your worldview and your identity.
36. 12:44 As you use language it molds your consciousness. Consciousness is the outcome of language not the precursor and not the engine of language. And there are two camps. There is what is known as the correctionist camp and the contrastivist camp and I will not go
37. 13:05 deeply into into all these but the correctionist say that there is a correct way to be and anyone who is not that way should correct themselves. There’s a correct way to speak. There’s a correct way to behave. There’s a correct way to go through life with
38. 13:25 various milestones. There is a correct way of doing things and if you are if you don’t conform to this single correct path to this trajectory of righteousness then something is wrong with you and you need to correct yourself and there is the contrastivist
39. 13:45 uh point of view which says that every uh variant every variation and variety of human behavior human speech is legitimate as legitimate as the next one. In other words, whereas the correctionist would say that there is one correct form of English language and
40. 14:06 you should speak it and if you do not speak it properly, you should correct yourself. The contrastivists who say that there are many forms legitimate forms of the English language and none of them has any advantage or privilege over the others.
41. 14:24 And so these are the two the two camps and there is of course there are of course in cultural studies we know that there is a dominant culture. We know the distinction between language and dialects and I’ll not go into all this. It’s a huge field. It’s a very
42. 14:40 fascinating field. But let’s go back to pathological narcissism and the false self. Sometimes you the viewer, let’s assume that you’re not a narcissist. Okay? Some people are not narcissist. I don’t know if you realize this. So let’s assume that you’re not a narcissist.
43. 15:01 You often you frequently find yourself in situations where you feel like you cannot be yourself. Isn’t this true? I hear your approbation. Yes, it’s true. All of us narcissists and non-narcissists find ourselves in situations where we absolutely have to
44. 15:20 deny who we are negate our core identity. Visiate our essence. We have to become someone else in order to survive to prevail to realize um and accomplish goals to self-actualize. This requires requires us to shapeshift to become someone else. It happens every
45. 15:45 day. This is code switching. People make modifications to themselves. They modify themselves in order to fit in or in order to project a specific image or in order to manipulate other people. And these are exactly the functions of the false self. The narcissist has created
46. 16:05 the false self usually in early childhood exactly in order to fit in to go under the radar if you wish and also in order to manipulate the environment of the child. And this is why the false self is what is known as a positive adaptation in early childhood
47. 16:28 when the child finds itself in an abusive and traumatizing environment. The false self allows the child to play act to pretend to fake and gradually and incrementally to become someone else. That someone else is a much better fit into the traumatizing and abusing
48. 16:51 abusive environment. That someone else is a survivor. That someone else is superior to the child. superior to the child’s true self. That someone else is godlike. That someone else is incapable of suffering because it’s impermeable, invulnerable, and untouchable.
49. 17:13 This form of code switching between true self and false self in early childhood reflects the kinds of code switching which totally normal and healthy people do day in and day out. Just in order to minimize friction, to avoid conflict, to fit in, to accomplish
50. 17:33 goals and so on so forth, to gain acceptance is a major motivation, major attitudinal motivational aspect of human behavior. In this sense, code switching is an adaptation. You want to avoid the consequences of your skin color, the consequences of your race, your
51. 17:55 ethnicity, your gender, your age, your um your poverty. You want when you when you’re trying to avoid some aspect of who you are or some aspect of your life or some aspect of your inroup or some aspect of your personal history or some aspect of your biology. When you’re
52. 18:16 trying to avoid something that is very essentially you, you code switch. This is what happens in pathological narcissism. The narcissist wants to avoid the true self. The narcissist perceives the true self as an inferior victim. We say using clinical terms we
53. 18:39 say that there is a gap between implicit self-esteem and explicit self-esteem. And in order to bridge this gap, the narcissist switches from one type of language known as the true self to another type of language known as the false self. Why am I saying
54. 19:00 that the true self and the false self are languages? Because they are. They are narratives. They are stories. When you think of yourself, when you consider your who you are, who your identity, your quidity, what makes you you and not someone else, you’re
55. 19:22 bound to come up with a story, a story about yourself, a narrative that is the glue that holds you together, your memories, for example. So, it’s all about language. In pathological narcissism, there is code switching between linguistic true self and linguistic false self. Um
56. 19:46 um as uh Kia Ray Truid said in an interview recently, it’s basically a way of changing your style, dress or maybe even language or behavior to match what you think would be appropriate or make someone else feel comfortable. That is the social aspect of code switching not
57. 20:06 the manipulative dimension. In narcissism the manipulate manipulative dimension is dominant actually. And the code switching is intended to exert some influence on other people to mold them and shape them to modify their behaviors and by doing so accomplish some goals
58. 20:28 and for example extract narcissistic supply. When you adjust your identity just to blend in to mingle so to speak to conform to a larger group that is the core of code switching. What is the larger group? The narcissist is trying to conform to humanity.
59. 20:48 When you’re a black person and you try to conform to white society, you are denying your blackness. You’re pretending to not be black. You’re code switching from black to white. Both are of course counterfactual narratives, but okay. Similarly, when you are a narcissist, you are
60. 21:11 transitioning from nonhuman to human. You’re trying to become human by switching the code. The false self pretends that it is normal, that it is sane. And so this is the mask of sanity. The code switching in narcissism is between a profound state of dissociative insanity
61. 21:39 and a pretension to functional normaly. These are the two languages the narcissist is trying to bridge by switching. The larger group is of course normal functional humanity. Narcissist wants to belong to this group on his or her own terms as a superior, as a
62. 21:59 leader, as an accomplished person, admired, guru, teacher, you name it. And so people code switch in many ways. Identity changes are intended to draw attention away from someone’s race or ethnicity or religion or social economic circumstances, level of education,
63. 22:22 sexual orientation, gender, ability status, age, you know, any dimension. In the case of the narcissist, the code switching is what I would call total code switching. The narcissist is trying to draw attention away from everything
64. 22:43 involved in pathological narcissism. Narcissism, a narcissist is trying to create 100% substitutive simulation. Whereas if you are a for example um a woman and you’re code switching to masculine speech, you’re trying to draw attention away from your femininity,
65. 23:08 which is perceived as vulnerability in certain settings, for example, in the workplace, but you’re not trying to draw away attention from all other aspects of your personality, your circumstances, your family, your life, maybe ethnic group and so on, sexual orientation.
66. 23:28 We usually when normal healthy people code switch, they code switch along a single dimension. It’s as if they’re broadcasting. Don’t pay attention to my race. Don’t pay attention to my skin color. Don’t pay attention to my gender or ethnicity or religion or sexual
67. 23:47 orientation, disability, age, and so on. It’s always a single dimension. Whereas in narcissism, in pathological narcissism, when the narcissist code switches, he switches away on all dimensions simultaneously. In other words, the narcissist creates a complete
68. 24:09 unmitigated utter piece of fiction that has nothing to do with the narcissist with who the narcissist really is. How can the narcissist pull this through? How can the narcissist be so successfully deceptive? It’s very easy. When you don’t exist,
69. 24:31 it’s easy to reinvent yourself 100%. Whereas in normal healthy people, code switching requires a lot of effort, a lot of experience, a lot of acting, a lot of pretending, a lot of energy, a lot of resources. Because people who code switch, normal healthy people who
70. 24:53 code switch exist. They do exist and they have to suppress and repress and deny some parts of this existence. And that requires enormous cathexis, enormous uh emotional and psychic energy. The narcissist when the narcissist pretends to be someone else,
71. 25:15 it’s very easy. It doesn’t require any energy whatsoever. It comes automatically instinctually because the narcissist does not exist. So there’s nothing to deny, nothing to repress, nothing to push down and keep down, no energy to be invested, and no
72. 25:35 resource resources to be consumed. When you’re a cipher, when you’re a nothing, when you’re a non-existent, a non-existent non- entity, what is the big deal in pretending to be someone else or reinventing yourself? So, pathological narcissism is the art of code switching from
73. 25:58 absence to existence. And that’s the core core function of the false self. The false self pretends to exist. The false self broadcasts existence where the reality of course is a complete utter absence. Nothing there a void to use metaphor black hole.
74. 26:27 Dr. Pu the aforementioned Dr. Puet said in the same interview, none of us have just one absolute identity, but I do think the salience of our identity or the identity that we consider most relevant at the moment depends on the context you’re in. Quite true. But in
75. 26:46 pathological narcissism, the identity that is projected, the identity that is emulated and simulated, the mimi mimicry of identity is not context dependent because there is no real identity behind it. In other words, narcissism, pathological narcissism is rigid.
76. 27:10 It is not flexible. It is not malleable. It is not mutable. It is not changeable. It is not transform transformative. It pathological narcissism is the same in all settings with all people in all situations and circumstances forever and ever. Amen.
77. 27:31 That’s the pathological narcissist. And indeed, diagnostic manuals and textbooks insist on the rigidity of of personality disorders in general and narcissistic personality disorder in particular. This rigidity is very telling. It means that the personality that we apprehend, the
78. 27:51 personality that we observe, the personality we get in touch with and interact with is not real. Is not real. Because real personalities change all the time. Real personalities, healthy personalities, normal personalities are reactive. They shapeshift.
79. 28:12 They modify themselves. They accommodate new information, new stimuli. They interact with other people. They react to inputs and feedback from other people. They listen. They observe. They absorb. They open to sensor. None of this is true with the false
80. 28:30 self. The false self is soypistic. It is completely detached from reality. It is an internal object which interacts exclusively with other internal objects and therefore it does not have the capacity to become someone else or something else even as circumstances change.
81. 28:52 And so the code switching in narcissism is internal not external. The the reference group is not outside the narcissist. It’s not external to the narcissist. The ref reference group is not separate from the narcissist. The reference group is inside the narcissist’s mind. The
82. 29:14 reference group is the population of internal objects within the narcissist’s mind. And the narcissist wants to belong to them. Wants to conform, wants to be accepted by these voices, by these introj by these snapshots, by these internal objects. The narcissist is in a
83. 29:32 constant quest to establish peace and harmony between these internal objects. Code switching is a way to control which version of yourself is visible at any given moment. And in pathological narcissism, code switching is a way to control which version of yourself is you
84. 29:56 at any given moment when you are given only one possible version. It reminds me that remember the the story that Henry Ford started to manufacture T4, the T Ford model, and he said you can choose any color as long as it’s white. It’s the same here. You can choose any
85. 30:17 version of yourself as long as it is the false self. The false self is tyrannical, dictatorial. It does not allow the narcissist to disengage. It does not allow the narcissist to evolve and develop a separate existence. It does not allow the narcissist to
86. 30:34 separate and individuate because the false self essentially is a parental figure. and the narcissist separation individuation in early childhood and early adolescence. These phases have failed. The narcissist has internalized this failure of separation individuation
87. 30:52 and made it the core organizing and operational principle of his non-existence. In the case of pathological narcissism, code switching involves self-p protection on the one hand, protection against abuse, against trauma, against failure, against shame, against loss, against
88. 31:18 guilt, protection. So there’s a protective aspect to the code switching. And at the same time, the code switching involves self-sacrifice, the destruction of the true self, the negation of identity, the disruptions in
89. 31:38 memory and the failure of forming a core, a nucleus which is lifelong. So whereas normal healthy people change change how they talk adjust appearances use use different names hold back information adopt different mannerisms and etiquette. The narcissist may do all this,
90. 32:01 but any change the narcissist introduces in his speech patterns, in his behaviors and so on will conform to an overriding rigid immutable narrative. The narrative of the false self, the narcissist code switching it cannot be undone. can it’s not a process that is
91. 32:28 extraneous to the narcissist. It’s not that like the narcissist adopted code switching as an adaptive strategy the way other people do. In the case of the narcissist, the code switching is the narcissist. It’s irreversible. It’s inexurable. It has started in childhood and it has
92. 32:49 taken over. It’s a little like undergoing, I don’t know, plastic surgery or having a tattoo removed or, you know, something that cannot be reversed. Code switching is usually intentional. You know, people choose fashion or clothing in order to signal something or
93. 33:10 accessories. They wear these to an event in order to to have to fit in or or to make a statement. That’s an example of intentional code switching. Sometimes code switching is automatic. When you inadvertently slip into a different language, adopt a different accent or
94. 33:28 dialect when you speak to specific groups of people. That’s usually automatic. It’s a little like driving. We say that it is dissociative. And people code switch for a variety of reasons. They want to counter counteract stereotypes. They want to live up to
95. 33:46 expectations. They respond to institutional culture or unspoken expectations and social mores. Sometimes they code switch because code switching makes you feel safe. People people code switch because it makes them feel safe. If they were if they were to not code
96. 34:05 switch uh they would feel very unsafe. This happens a lot. But all in all, we know in psychology that code switching is detrimental to a person’s self-concept. In the same interview, Dr. Puit concludes, “If you feel like you always have to put on this other identity,
97. 34:28 which is narcissism, yes. or if you’re afraid that just being yourself would not be considered acceptable or sufficient, I add, then I think that code switching can lead to feelings of low confidence. She said that being consistently concerned about social acceptance leads
98. 34:48 to anxiety and possibly uh CPTSD.
99. 34:55 And this is exactly what what happens to the narcissist. The narcissist is busy throughout life denying himself, pretending to an existence which negates his absence. The narcissist’s internal experience is an experience of a void, deep space.
100. 35:19 And yet he has to pretend that he’s like everyone else. He has to deny himself. And so code switching leads to selfestrangement and an impostor syndrome. The narcissist always feels that he is an impostor, that he’s faking it and not making it,
101. 35:41 that is about to be exposed, that he’s about to be punished. And this is what creates the discrepancy between the low self-esteem, what Adler called the inferiority complex, and the compensatory public facing ostentatious in your face superiority,
102. 36:03 the gap between these this this abyss between how the narcissist truly feels about himself or herself and and the projection. What the narcissist projects, shows others, demonstrates to others, exhibits this exhibitionism. This gap, this abyss is because of code
103. 36:26 switching that is permanently on that never stops. Not for a split second. All the time. The narcissist has to be on his or her toes all the time. The mask must not sleep. Because when and if it does, people get a glimpse of the infinitude of the narcissist’s absence,
104. 36:54 of the void, the howling void that claims to be something when it is actually the most profound form of nothing.