Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. To Become, Narcissist Needs You GONE (Clip: Skopje Seminar, May 2025)

1. 00:01 It’s a test exactly like auditioning. It’s auditioning phase two. If you remain in the relationship despite everything the narcissist is doing to you, it means that you love the narcissist unconditionally, it means that you’re a good mother. It means that the narcissist can move on to the next stage, which is separation individuation. Narcissistic abuse, therefore, is actually a test. Now the narcissist has convinced himself that you’re an excellent mother, good enough mother, you love him. It’s a test exactly like auditioning. It’s auditioning phase two. If you remain in the relationship despite everything the narcissist is doing to you, it means that you love the narcissist unconditionally, it means that you’re a good mother. It means that the narcissist can move on to the next stage, which is separation individuation. Narcissistic abuse, therefore, is actually a test. Now the narcissist has convinced himself that you’re an excellent mother, good enough mother, you love him.
2. 00:45 Never mind how how much and to what extent he has mistreated you, abused you, traumatized you, destroyed you, attacked you, demeaned you, denigrated you, degraded you, humiliated you, shamed you. I love these words. So, never mind what he’s done to you. You’re still here. You’re still there. You’re still cater to his needs. You’re still compassionate. You’re still caring. You’re still loving. So that now the narcissist is convinced that you’re a good mother and he can safely attempt Never mind how how much and to what extent he has mistreated you, abused you, traumatized you, destroyed you, attacked you, demeaned you, denigrated you, degraded you, humiliated you, shamed you. I love these words. So, never mind what he’s done to you. You’re still here. You’re still there. You’re still cater to his needs. You’re still compassionate. You’re still caring. You’re still loving. So that now the narcissist is convinced that you’re a good mother and he can safely attempt
3. 01:22 separation individuation from you. But how to do that? Separation individuation is an internal process and you are an external object. He needs to let you go externally the way a child does with the external mother. And yet he is unable to relate to you externally. Do you see the predicament? Do you see the conundrum? A child lets go of the mother physically. Those of you who have had children, the child walks away a few steps and then runs back to mommy and hugs her, hugs a a leg. Yeah. This is separation individuation from you. But how to do that? Separation individuation is an internal process and you are an external object. He needs to let you go externally the way a child does with the external mother. And yet he is unable to relate to you externally. Do you see the predicament? Do you see the conundrum? A child lets go of the mother physically. Those of you who have had children, the child walks away a few steps and then runs back to mommy and hugs her, hugs a a leg. Yeah. This is
4. 02:05 separation ramo. This is called in theory separation ramo. The child uh is develops grandiosity. Cohines khoot described it. The child develops a grandio view of itself. The child says I’m godlike. I can take on the world. I can explore and discover everything. I can interact with peers. wasn’t sufficiently strong and this that. So there’s a first phase of narcissism which is healthy narcissism. Freud called it primary narcissism. So this is healthy narcissism. The child then is ready to explore the world but separation ramo. This is called in theory separation ramo. The child uh is develops grandiosity. Cohines khoot described it. The child develops a grandio view of itself. The child says I’m godlike. I can take on the world. I can explore and discover everything. I can interact with peers. wasn’t sufficiently strong and this that. So there’s a first phase of narcissism which is healthy narcissism. Freud called it primary narcissism. So this is healthy narcissism. The child then is ready to explore the world but
5. 02:39 he is still with mommy. He’s still with mother. Maternal figure could be a man. Remember it’s the person who fulfills the maternal functions. So he is still with mommy. He’s still with mother and he’s with her physically like he would never let her go. And he’s and then one day he opens his arms, the little the little thing, the little man or the little woman, they open their arms and they walk three steps and they look back at mommy. Is she will she disappear? Because there’s an issue with he is still with mommy. He’s still with mother. Maternal figure could be a man. Remember it’s the person who fulfills the maternal functions. So he is still with mommy. He’s still with mother and he’s with her physically like he would never let her go. And he’s and then one day he opens his arms, the little the little thing, the little man or the little woman, they open their arms and they walk three steps and they look back at mommy. Is she will she disappear? Because there’s an issue with
6. 03:10 object constancy. Will she still be there? And will she punish him? These are the two questions. If I leave mom, if I let mommy go and I walk a few steps, will she still be there for me? And will she punish me for having done so? And if the mother is still there and encourages the child, says, “Wow, great. You took three steps away from me. It’s wonderful. Do it again.” Then there’s a healthy adult waiting to develop. But if the mother is insecure or selfish or then of course she would broadcast object constancy. Will she still be there? And will she punish him? These are the two questions. If I leave mom, if I let mommy go and I walk a few steps, will she still be there for me? And will she punish me for having done so? And if the mother is still there and encourages the child, says, “Wow, great. You took three steps away from me. It’s wonderful. Do it again.” Then there’s a healthy adult waiting to develop. But if the mother is insecure or selfish or then of course she would broadcast
7. 03:50 negative message why have you done that you you know it’s risky don’t do that oh don’t do that to me don’t leave me you know and so so and all this is an external process the child really leaves the physical mother really walks away on real on a real road and touches a real tree and interact with real interact with real peers. It’s real. It’s all real. Touchwood. So, uh, but the adult narcissist is incapable of doing this because the adult narcissist cannot interact with negative message why have you done that you you know it’s risky don’t do that oh don’t do that to me don’t leave me you know and so so and all this is an external process the child really leaves the physical mother really walks away on real on a real road and touches a real tree and interact with real interact with real peers. It’s real. It’s all real. Touchwood. So, uh, but the adult narcissist is incapable of doing this because the adult narcissist cannot interact with
8. 04:29 external objects only with internal objects. So when the adult narcissist wants to separate from the new mother, the adult narcissist would have to separate from the internal object, not from the external object. He cannot. So the separation takes place internally, not externally. One of the major reasons why it fails time and again, time and again, the narcissist, there’s a repetition compulsion. The narcissist keeps repeating the same pattern until the day he dies and sometimes in the afterlife. So, external objects only with internal objects. So when the adult narcissist wants to separate from the new mother, the adult narcissist would have to separate from the internal object, not from the external object. He cannot. So the separation takes place internally, not externally. One of the major reasons why it fails time and again, time and again, the narcissist, there’s a repetition compulsion. The narcissist keeps repeating the same pattern until the day he dies and sometimes in the afterlife. So,
9. 05:28 So the narcissist relates to you as a mother internally with the internal object that represents you as an ideal unconditionally loving mother and he needs to separate and individuate. So what he does he separates from the internal object that represents you in his mind. How to do that? You’re an ideal mother. You are loving unconditionally. You have passed all the tests. You have succeeded in all auditions. You you’re an amazing thing. You are you remember yes you idealize. How to do that? He So the narcissist relates to you as a mother internally with the internal object that represents you as an ideal unconditionally loving mother and he needs to separate and individuate. So what he does he separates from the internal object that represents you in his mind. How to do that? You’re an ideal mother. You are loving unconditionally. You have passed all the tests. You have succeeded in all auditions. You you’re an amazing thing. You are you remember yes you idealize. How to do that? He
10. 06:06 needs to change the internal object. Otherwise he would not be able to separate from the internal object. You don’t separate from ideal objects. You separate from pcary objects. you separate from devalued objects. So the narcissist needs to devalue the internal object that represents you in his mind. And here we come to the phase of devaluation. Idealization is internal. Devaluation is totally internal. The narcissist devalues the internal object that represents you uh in his mind. The minute the narcissist has devalued needs to change the internal object. Otherwise he would not be able to separate from the internal object. You don’t separate from ideal objects. You separate from pcary objects. you separate from devalued objects. So the narcissist needs to devalue the internal object that represents you in his mind. And here we come to the phase of devaluation. Idealization is internal. Devaluation is totally internal. The narcissist devalues the internal object that represents you uh in his mind. The minute the narcissist has devalued
11. 06:52 the internal object, he is ready to separate from you. Because who wants to be with an internal with the devalued internal object? Yeah. Is ready to separate from you. But this creates two complications. Everything in narcissism always creates two complications. And if the narcissist is Jewish, three complications. So yeah, the minute the narcissist devalues the internal object, this creates uh a problem because devaluing the internal object means that the narcissist got it wrong. He got it wrong. If you idealize someone the internal object, he is ready to separate from you. Because who wants to be with an internal with the devalued internal object? Yeah. Is ready to separate from you. But this creates two complications. Everything in narcissism always creates two complications. And if the narcissist is Jewish, three complications. So yeah, the minute the narcissist devalues the internal object, this creates uh a problem because devaluing the internal object means that the narcissist got it wrong. He got it wrong. If you idealize someone
12. 07:31 and then you devalue them, it means the idealization was wrong. You got something wrong. You did something wrong. But narcissists are never wrong. Ask me they are never wrong. This creates dissonance. The narcissist to devalue the internal object must admit that he got something wrong initially that the idealization was counterfactual. That fantastic wrong. That’s the first problem. The second problem having devalued the internal object. The narcissist remains stuck with the internal object. and then you devalue them, it means the idealization was wrong. You got something wrong. You did something wrong. But narcissists are never wrong. Ask me they are never wrong. This creates dissonance. The narcissist to devalue the internal object must admit that he got something wrong initially that the idealization was counterfactual. That fantastic wrong. That’s the first problem. The second problem having devalued the internal object. The narcissist remains stuck with the internal object.
13. 08:09 Devaluation doesn’t mean that you eliminate the ex the internal object. It means you change the nature of the internal object. Now the internal object is devalued. It’s bad. And many times it’s evil. It’s what we call percary object. So the narcissist is stuck stuck with an object which is egoistonic. An object which makes the narcissist feel uncomfortable about himself, challenges the narcissist’s view of himself as perfection. Let me give you an example from a restaurant. You have a restaurant and Devaluation doesn’t mean that you eliminate the ex the internal object. It means you change the nature of the internal object. Now the internal object is devalued. It’s bad. And many times it’s evil. It’s what we call percary object. So the narcissist is stuck stuck with an object which is egoistonic. An object which makes the narcissist feel uncomfortable about himself, challenges the narcissist’s view of himself as perfection. Let me give you an example from a restaurant. You have a restaurant and
14. 08:49 all the dishes are wonderful but there is one dish or no you have apples. You have 10 apples that are wonderful and one apple is rotten. So you cannot think of yourself as perfect because one apple is rotten. Your perfection is destroyed with this single apple. And the this is the apple in the narcissist’s mind. This devalued internal object challenges the narcissist’s grandio self-perception as perfect. So there’s a double dissonance. How could I have been so wrong about her that I now need to devalue her? all the dishes are wonderful but there is one dish or no you have apples. You have 10 apples that are wonderful and one apple is rotten. So you cannot think of yourself as perfect because one apple is rotten. Your perfection is destroyed with this single apple. And the this is the apple in the narcissist’s mind. This devalued internal object challenges the narcissist’s grandio self-perception as perfect. So there’s a double dissonance. How could I have been so wrong about her that I now need to devalue her?
15. 09:27 And I feel bad about having inside my mind an object which is less than perfect, imperfect, persary, possibly an enemy, hostile, this that I need to get rid of this object. And this leads to the second phase of the shirt fantasy. But I will give you now 10 minute a 10-minute break. And I feel bad about having inside my mind an object which is less than perfect, imperfect, persary, possibly an enemy, hostile, this that I need to get rid of this object. And this leads to the second phase of the shirt fantasy. But I will give you now 10 minute a 10-minute break.