Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Soft Abandonment and Its Anxiety

1. 00:02 Everyone know by now that narcissists and border lines have separation insecurity colloquially known as abandonment anxiety or separation anxiety. They develop anxiety when they anticipate being abandoned, being ignored, being unseen. Now, this is because there is a pathology there known as object inconstancy or object impermanence. But we’ll not go into all this because I’ve dealt with it in multiple videos throughout the past few decades. What I want to focus on today is the word abandonment. Everyone know by now that narcissists and border lines have separation insecurity colloquially known as abandonment anxiety or separation anxiety. They develop anxiety when they anticipate being abandoned, being ignored, being unseen. Now, this is because there is a pathology there known as object inconstancy or object impermanence. But we’ll not go into all this because I’ve dealt with it in multiple videos throughout the past few decades. What I want to focus on today is the word abandonment.
2. 00:46 What constitutes abandonment? What is enough to trigger abandonment? anxiety and separation, insecurity in the narcissist, in the borderline and you know, you know what in many healthy people abandonment what comes to mind immediately is, you know, I resolutely make up my mind. I pack my belongings. I open the door. I cross the threshold. I slam the door shudderingly. I descend the stairs never ever to be seen again. Yes, that’s one form of abandonment. Breakup is abandonment definitely. But this is what I would What constitutes abandonment? What is enough to trigger abandonment? anxiety and separation, insecurity in the narcissist, in the borderline and you know, you know what in many healthy people abandonment what comes to mind immediately is, you know, I resolutely make up my mind. I pack my belongings. I open the door. I cross the threshold. I slam the door shudderingly. I descend the stairs never ever to be seen again. Yes, that’s one form of abandonment. Breakup is abandonment definitely. But this is what I would
3. 01:32 call hard abandonment. There are other forms of abandonment. More subtle, more penicious, more all pervasive, more atmospheric, more ambient. And I call these forms of abandonment soft abandonment, which is the topic of today’s lecture. I know you’re going to abandon me midv video, but what can I do? I’m already anxious about it. My name is Sam Baky and I’m the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited, and a professor of psychology. Okay. Shim soft abandonment. When the age gap between the two members call hard abandonment. There are other forms of abandonment. More subtle, more penicious, more all pervasive, more atmospheric, more ambient. And I call these forms of abandonment soft abandonment, which is the topic of today’s lecture. I know you’re going to abandon me midv video, but what can I do? I’m already anxious about it. My name is Sam Baky and I’m the author of Malignant Self-Love, Narcissism Revisited, and a professor of psychology. Okay. Shim soft abandonment. When the age gap between the two members
4. 02:20 of a diet, the two members of a couple is enormous like 20 years, 30 years, 40 years. This in itself could create abandonment anxiety because there is an anticipation of a breakup. The age gap itself predisposes the older member of the couple to uh predict or to anticipate the betrayal or the abandonment or the um breakup with a younger member of the couple. But this is not limited only to an age gap. It’s it’s it applies to any type of substantial difference between the parties. Any type of uh differences in traits, of a diet, the two members of a couple is enormous like 20 years, 30 years, 40 years. This in itself could create abandonment anxiety because there is an anticipation of a breakup. The age gap itself predisposes the older member of the couple to uh predict or to anticipate the betrayal or the abandonment or the um breakup with a younger member of the couple. But this is not limited only to an age gap. It’s it’s it applies to any type of substantial difference between the parties. Any type of uh differences in traits,
5. 03:11 any situation where values and beliefs collide, where there is a contradiction between the predelections, proclivities, preferences, wishes, dreams, fantasies of one party and the other. So when the parties are essentially quitically dissimilar, this in itself creates the anticipation of abandonment and triggers abandonment anxiety. Very old with very young proTrump, anti-Trump, this kind of thing, religious, atheist, Arab, Israeli. When you put people together whose essence is incompatible, you’re bound to generate abandonment any situation where values and beliefs collide, where there is a contradiction between the predelections, proclivities, preferences, wishes, dreams, fantasies of one party and the other. So when the parties are essentially quitically dissimilar, this in itself creates the anticipation of abandonment and triggers abandonment anxiety. Very old with very young proTrump, anti-Trump, this kind of thing, religious, atheist, Arab, Israeli. When you put people together whose essence is incompatible, you’re bound to generate abandonment
6. 04:07 anxiety in one or both of them. And this applies not only to romantic or intimate relationships. It applies to the workplace, friendships, and other settings. The second type of soft abandonment is a constant display and communication of disappointment, disenchantment, disillusionment. When one of the parties constantly broadcasts, my expectations and needs are not being met and I’m frustrated and I’m pissed off about it and I I expected better from you. So this kind of stream of of uh invective in in in effect anxiety in one or both of them. And this applies not only to romantic or intimate relationships. It applies to the workplace, friendships, and other settings. The second type of soft abandonment is a constant display and communication of disappointment, disenchantment, disillusionment. When one of the parties constantly broadcasts, my expectations and needs are not being met and I’m frustrated and I’m pissed off about it and I I expected better from you. So this kind of stream of of uh invective in in in effect
7. 04:52 triggers in the other party the recipient abandonment anxiety because the underlying hidden message is I can’t take it anymore. I find it intolerable and unbearable. this couple is not working or this union or this friendship or this is not working for me. It doesn’t meet my needs and expectations and and the the next inevitable logical inelectable step is I’m going to get out. I’m going to get out of here. I’m going to walk away. So disappointment, criticism, shaming and humiliating the partner, triggers in the other party the recipient abandonment anxiety because the underlying hidden message is I can’t take it anymore. I find it intolerable and unbearable. this couple is not working or this union or this friendship or this is not working for me. It doesn’t meet my needs and expectations and and the the next inevitable logical inelectable step is I’m going to get out. I’m going to get out of here. I’m going to walk away. So disappointment, criticism, shaming and humiliating the partner,
8. 05:41 undermining the partner or even ignoring the partner altogether. Giving up on the partner visibly, ostentatiously giving up on the partner, emotional withdrawal, emotional absence, a complete lack of interest and indifferences to what is happening to the partner internally and externally. All these when you put them together are bound to generate a sensation of imminent doom, imminent abandonment in atmospheric dissipation and dissolution of the of the bond of the attachment and of course this would trigger abandonment undermining the partner or even ignoring the partner altogether. Giving up on the partner visibly, ostentatiously giving up on the partner, emotional withdrawal, emotional absence, a complete lack of interest and indifferences to what is happening to the partner internally and externally. All these when you put them together are bound to generate a sensation of imminent doom, imminent abandonment in atmospheric dissipation and dissolution of the of the bond of the attachment and of course this would trigger abandonment
9. 06:19 anxiety. So disappointment, ignoring the partner, I mean communicating disappointment, disillusionment and disenchantment, ignoring the partner, constantly criticizing the partner, shaming the partner, humiliating the partner, making demands on the partner that the partner can never meet, setting the partner up for failure, emotional withdrawal and absence, and culminating in total indifference as to what is happening to the partner and what is happening to the relationship or in the relationship. All these would anxiety. So disappointment, ignoring the partner, I mean communicating disappointment, disillusionment and disenchantment, ignoring the partner, constantly criticizing the partner, shaming the partner, humiliating the partner, making demands on the partner that the partner can never meet, setting the partner up for failure, emotional withdrawal and absence, and culminating in total indifference as to what is happening to the partner and what is happening to the relationship or in the relationship. All these would
10. 06:56 generate would trigger separation insecurity in the partner because they constitute a form forms of abandonment. It’s not hard abandonment. The partner is still physically there in body but not in mind. The partner has wandered away already. So it is a separation of the minds to be followed inevitably and in due time by a separation of the body. This sometimes manifests as rejection. The most prominent type of rejection is sexual rejection. It’s when the rejecting partner refuses to engage generate would trigger separation insecurity in the partner because they constitute a form forms of abandonment. It’s not hard abandonment. The partner is still physically there in body but not in mind. The partner has wandered away already. So it is a separation of the minds to be followed inevitably and in due time by a separation of the body. This sometimes manifests as rejection. The most prominent type of rejection is sexual rejection. It’s when the rejecting partner refuses to engage
11. 07:38 in all forms of intimacy, especially bodily intimacy with the other partner. But there are many other types of rejection. Ridicule, biting sense of humor, brutal honesty, undermining, harsh, criticism. These are all forms of rejection. comparisons to other people, unfavorable comparisons to other people. It’s a form of triangulation. These are all forms of rejection. And rejection is universally perceived by people, even mentally healthy people, as the first step on the way on the path to abandonment. And rejection triggers in all forms of intimacy, especially bodily intimacy with the other partner. But there are many other types of rejection. Ridicule, biting sense of humor, brutal honesty, undermining, harsh, criticism. These are all forms of rejection. comparisons to other people, unfavorable comparisons to other people. It’s a form of triangulation. These are all forms of rejection. And rejection is universally perceived by people, even mentally healthy people, as the first step on the way on the path to abandonment. And rejection triggers
12. 08:20 abandonment anxiety. Of course, frequent absences, physical absences in the relationship is another way to abandon the partner. If you constantly travel, if you’re walkaholic and busy at work, to the exclusion of common joint activities and time together, if you refuse to share your life with your partner, you keep large parts of your life, large areas and realms of your life secreted, confidential, non non-communicable to the partner. you exclude the father from parts of of your of your life. These absences abandonment anxiety. Of course, frequent absences, physical absences in the relationship is another way to abandon the partner. If you constantly travel, if you’re walkaholic and busy at work, to the exclusion of common joint activities and time together, if you refuse to share your life with your partner, you keep large parts of your life, large areas and realms of your life secreted, confidential, non non-communicable to the partner. you exclude the father from parts of of your of your life. These absences
13. 09:05 are a form of abandonment. They are they constitute soft abandonment. All in all, every behavior that is dis distancing, every conduct that undermines intimacy, disintimates or creates disintegr and always inaccessible ible to the park. Doesn’t have to be infidelity or triangulation, but could be. Whenever you begin to lead a parallel life, at that point abandonment is in the on the cards. At that point, the partner is liable or likely to react with separation, insecurity. And so distancing is a signal, a form of are a form of abandonment. They are they constitute soft abandonment. All in all, every behavior that is dis distancing, every conduct that undermines intimacy, disintimates or creates disintegr and always inaccessible ible to the park. Doesn’t have to be infidelity or triangulation, but could be. Whenever you begin to lead a parallel life, at that point abandonment is in the on the cards. At that point, the partner is liable or likely to react with separation, insecurity. And so distancing is a signal, a form of
14. 10:13 signaling. I’m no longer interested in you. I don’t want to share my life with you. I’d rather have a life on my own. You are not my companion. You’re not my friend. I’m going to look elsewhere. Obviously, this is perceived as abandonment. But there are other even more subtle forms of abandonment. If you neglect yourself physically, mentally, if you destroy yourself, if you’re self-destructive, self-defeating, self harming, self- thrashing, if you act out, if you are harmful to yourself and to signaling. I’m no longer interested in you. I don’t want to share my life with you. I’d rather have a life on my own. You are not my companion. You’re not my friend. I’m going to look elsewhere. Obviously, this is perceived as abandonment. But there are other even more subtle forms of abandonment. If you neglect yourself physically, mentally, if you destroy yourself, if you’re self-destructive, self-defeating, self harming, self- thrashing, if you act out, if you are harmful to yourself and to
15. 10:52 others, all these are forms of abandonment. If you destroy yourself, it’s a way to abandon the partner. If you neglect yourself, it’s a way to push the partner away. So these are all modes, these all signals saying, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I’m not happy in this relationship anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.” And of course, there’s no bigger form of abandonment than suicide. And finally, indifference coupled with impatience is a form of abandonment. others, all these are forms of abandonment. If you destroy yourself, it’s a way to abandon the partner. If you neglect yourself, it’s a way to push the partner away. So these are all modes, these all signals saying, “I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I’m not happy in this relationship anymore. I don’t want to live anymore.” And of course, there’s no bigger form of abandonment than suicide. And finally, indifference coupled with impatience is a form of abandonment.
16. 11:32 If you are not willing to listen to your partner, to share his or her concerns, to delve into his or her life, to be helpful, to afford sakur and support and advice, if you’re completely indifferent to what your partner is doing, even when your partner is trying to get a rise out of you by committing infidelity or you’re still completely indifferent. If you are absolutely um divorced from the partner’s reality, you partition yourself. You firewall yourself and you become this inscrable sphinx in If you are not willing to listen to your partner, to share his or her concerns, to delve into his or her life, to be helpful, to afford sakur and support and advice, if you’re completely indifferent to what your partner is doing, even when your partner is trying to get a rise out of you by committing infidelity or you’re still completely indifferent. If you are absolutely um divorced from the partner’s reality, you partition yourself. You firewall yourself and you become this inscrable sphinx in
17. 12:12 the partner’s life. This is also a form of abandonment. It’s also soft abandonment. As you can see, people can stay together, share a life, raise a family, be become a couple or a diet, and yet abandon each other. Abandonment could be internal within the couple, doesn’t have to be external, visible to others. Partners can abandon each other within the couple. Couples members of the couple can feel lonely within the diet, within the relationship. There’s nothing more lonely actually the partner’s life. This is also a form of abandonment. It’s also soft abandonment. As you can see, people can stay together, share a life, raise a family, be become a couple or a diet, and yet abandon each other. Abandonment could be internal within the couple, doesn’t have to be external, visible to others. Partners can abandon each other within the couple. Couples members of the couple can feel lonely within the diet, within the relationship. There’s nothing more lonely actually
18. 12:50 than um a relationship that’s not working. So soft abandonment is sometimes much worse than hard abandonment. Hard abandonment is clear, unequivocal, unambiguous. You get through it. There’s grief. There’s a processing of of grief. There’s recovery and the opportunity for another relationship which may or may not work. But in soft abandonment, the partner is still there inhibiting you from looking elsewhere or looking seriously elsewhere, not allowing you to move on with your life and at the same time than um a relationship that’s not working. So soft abandonment is sometimes much worse than hard abandonment. Hard abandonment is clear, unequivocal, unambiguous. You get through it. There’s grief. There’s a processing of of grief. There’s recovery and the opportunity for another relationship which may or may not work. But in soft abandonment, the partner is still there inhibiting you from looking elsewhere or looking seriously elsewhere, not allowing you to move on with your life and at the same time
19. 13:32 not catering to your needs, not fulfilling or meeting your expectations. Very very hurtful and harmful to you. Rejecting, impatient, distance, not intimate, absent, emotionally withdrawn, and constantly haranging and hectoring and criticizing you, informing you how disappointing you are, how inadequate you are, what a failure you are, shaming and humiliating. And when this is coupled with substantial essential differences between the couple, I mentioned an age gap, difference in values and beliefs not catering to your needs, not fulfilling or meeting your expectations. Very very hurtful and harmful to you. Rejecting, impatient, distance, not intimate, absent, emotionally withdrawn, and constantly haranging and hectoring and criticizing you, informing you how disappointing you are, how inadequate you are, what a failure you are, shaming and humiliating. And when this is coupled with substantial essential differences between the couple, I mentioned an age gap, difference in values and beliefs
20. 14:19 and so on so forth. It becomes very very terrifying and unto intolerable and sometimes it causes the abandoned partner to react in ways which are dysfunctional and even dangerous. And so soft abandonment is as triggering if not if not much more so than hard abandonment. From now on, whenever I say abandonment, anxiety, or separation, insecurity, bear in mind that it doesn’t mean necessarily breaking up, it could mean remaining in the relationship and rendering it poisonous, toxic, rendering it destructive to the partner, and so on so forth. It becomes very very terrifying and unto intolerable and sometimes it causes the abandoned partner to react in ways which are dysfunctional and even dangerous. And so soft abandonment is as triggering if not if not much more so than hard abandonment. From now on, whenever I say abandonment, anxiety, or separation, insecurity, bear in mind that it doesn’t mean necessarily breaking up, it could mean remaining in the relationship and rendering it poisonous, toxic, rendering it destructive to the partner,
21. 15:12 abandoning the partner within their relationship, giving giving the appearance of togetherness while deep inside everything is rotting, everything is falling apart. And this discrepancy between implicit and explicit, the ostentatiously visible and what’s really happening. It is this discrepancy that could lead people to extremes of behavior and to psychopathological reactions or even psychopathologies. abandoning the partner within their relationship, giving giving the appearance of togetherness while deep inside everything is rotting, everything is falling apart. And this discrepancy between implicit and explicit, the ostentatiously visible and what’s really happening. It is this discrepancy that could lead people to extremes of behavior and to psychopathological reactions or even psychopathologies.