Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. 4Ss Narcissists: Your Weakness=Their Strength, Your Resilience=Their Sadistic Self-destruction

1. 00:02 Good afternoon everyone. Today we are going to discuss neediness, weaknesses, helplessness, frailties, vulnerabilities and other wonderful things. My name is Sam Vaknin. I’m the author of Malignance of Love, Narcissism Revisited. I’m also a professor of psychology. One thing you need to get through your head is that your helplessness, your dependence, your hopelessness, your illness, they all anxolytic to the narcissist. They reduce the narcissist’s abandonment anxiety. The narcissist is con constantly Good afternoon everyone. Today we are going to discuss neediness, weaknesses, helplessness, frailties, vulnerabilities and other wonderful things. My name is Sam Vaknin. I’m the author of Malignance of Love, Narcissism Revisited. I’m also a professor of psychology. One thing you need to get through your head is that your helplessness, your dependence, your hopelessness, your illness, they all anxolytic to the narcissist. They reduce the narcissist’s abandonment anxiety. The narcissist is con constantly
2. 00:51 terrified of being abandoned, rejected, humiliated, exposed. narcissistic injury, narcissistic modification. And this creates in the narcissist the constant background of anxiety and dread. The only time the narcissist feels safe, the only time his separation insecurity is at a low EB is when you’re sick, when you’re weak, when you’re disabled, when you’re disoriented, when you’re needy, disregulated, or otherwise impaired. When you are any of these things, let alone a combination of the above, the terrified of being abandoned, rejected, humiliated, exposed. narcissistic injury, narcissistic modification. And this creates in the narcissist the constant background of anxiety and dread. The only time the narcissist feels safe, the only time his separation insecurity is at a low EB is when you’re sick, when you’re weak, when you’re disabled, when you’re disoriented, when you’re needy, disregulated, or otherwise impaired. When you are any of these things, let alone a combination of the above, the
3. 01:31 narcissist feels that you are very unlikely to abandon him, to reject him, to humiliate him, to shame him, to expose him. At that point, you become a secure base, a mother figure who is being parentified by the narcissist, the way he got used to when he was a child. When you’re none of the above, when you’re strong, when you’re healthy, when you’re resilient, when you’re independent, when you’re autonomous, when you’re agentic, the narcissist feels threatened. He feels that he is not in control. You narcissist feels that you are very unlikely to abandon him, to reject him, to humiliate him, to shame him, to expose him. At that point, you become a secure base, a mother figure who is being parentified by the narcissist, the way he got used to when he was a child. When you’re none of the above, when you’re strong, when you’re healthy, when you’re resilient, when you’re independent, when you’re autonomous, when you’re agentic, the narcissist feels threatened. He feels that he is not in control. You
4. 02:15 are out of control. When you are strong and successful, you are ominous. The narcissist then regards you as an impending doom. Something really bad is going to happen. Why? Because he cannot predict your behaviors. He cannot control them. He cannot constrain you. He cannot constrict you. He cannot limit you. This generates a lot of uncertainty and indeterminacy. And narcissists react very badly to uncertainty and indeterminacy. They try to reduce them by immobilizing you, by mummifying you, by taking away are out of control. When you are strong and successful, you are ominous. The narcissist then regards you as an impending doom. Something really bad is going to happen. Why? Because he cannot predict your behaviors. He cannot control them. He cannot constrain you. He cannot constrict you. He cannot limit you. This generates a lot of uncertainty and indeterminacy. And narcissists react very badly to uncertainty and indeterminacy. They try to reduce them by immobilizing you, by mummifying you, by taking away
5. 02:58 your life force, your alarm vital, by making sure that any emotion you have, any cog cognition you entertain, any effect you display are all emanating from the narcissist. The narcissist becomes your reality testing, the glass through which you gaze onto the world darkly. The narcissist separates you from family, from friends, from the environment, from your job, from your independent financial means. He separates you so that you become an infant. He infantilizes you. He regresses you. And all this in a your life force, your alarm vital, by making sure that any emotion you have, any cog cognition you entertain, any effect you display are all emanating from the narcissist. The narcissist becomes your reality testing, the glass through which you gaze onto the world darkly. The narcissist separates you from family, from friends, from the environment, from your job, from your independent financial means. He separates you so that you become an infant. He infantilizes you. He regresses you. And all this in a
6. 03:42 desperate attempt to make to make sure that you remain within the relationship, a participant, a willing participant in the shared fantasy. He takes away all your alternatives. He does not allow you to make choices and decisions. He impoverishes your life and your environment and your social contacts. He pushes away anyone and everyone who loves you. And that way isolated, dependent, helpless, needy, you become his. His forever, never to disappear, never to vanish, never to abandon, never to reject. desperate attempt to make to make sure that you remain within the relationship, a participant, a willing participant in the shared fantasy. He takes away all your alternatives. He does not allow you to make choices and decisions. He impoverishes your life and your environment and your social contacts. He pushes away anyone and everyone who loves you. And that way isolated, dependent, helpless, needy, you become his. His forever, never to disappear, never to vanish, never to abandon, never to reject.
7. 04:33 Your weakness is the narcissist’s strength. The less secure you feel, the more secure he does. He is the less unsafe, the safer he feels. The weaker you are, the stronger he is. The more disoriented you are, the more knowledgeable he is. There’s an information asymmetry. The more needy you are, the more he feels elevated and elated. Your disregulation allows the narcissist to regulate his internal environment. When you are disregulated, when you’re labile, ups and downs, overwhelming Your weakness is the narcissist’s strength. The less secure you feel, the more secure he does. He is the less unsafe, the safer he feels. The weaker you are, the stronger he is. The more disoriented you are, the more knowledgeable he is. There’s an information asymmetry. The more needy you are, the more he feels elevated and elated. Your disregulation allows the narcissist to regulate his internal environment. When you are disregulated, when you’re labile, ups and downs, overwhelming
8. 05:16 emotions, the narcissist is there. Your rock, your pillar, your soul and exclusive environment. He is there and gradually he abscon with your ego functions, with your psychological processes. You learn to outsource your internal world to the narcissist. You see reality through the narcissist’s gaze. You regulate your emotions in response reactively to the narcissist. The narcissist becomes capable of plunging you into profound dark depression and elevating you to the stars. Adastra, the narcissist emotions, the narcissist is there. Your rock, your pillar, your soul and exclusive environment. He is there and gradually he abscon with your ego functions, with your psychological processes. You learn to outsource your internal world to the narcissist. You see reality through the narcissist’s gaze. You regulate your emotions in response reactively to the narcissist. The narcissist becomes capable of plunging you into profound dark depression and elevating you to the stars. Adastra, the narcissist
9. 06:01 gradually becomes your external regulator. The more dependent you are on the narcissist, the more the narcissist feels that you are one. There’s a process of merger and fusion. you gradually become assimilated and internalized as an object, an internal object, a figment in the narcissist’s mind. None of this is possible if you make your own choices and decisions, if you have your own job, if you travel alone, if you have friends and family, if you make um if you have preferences, if you have wishes and dreams and gradually becomes your external regulator. The more dependent you are on the narcissist, the more the narcissist feels that you are one. There’s a process of merger and fusion. you gradually become assimilated and internalized as an object, an internal object, a figment in the narcissist’s mind. None of this is possible if you make your own choices and decisions, if you have your own job, if you travel alone, if you have friends and family, if you make um if you have preferences, if you have wishes and dreams and
10. 06:40 fantasies, none of this is possible. It’s not your separateness, your externality challenge the narcissist’s ability to render you a piece of furniture, an in an inert object. Narcissist objectifies you by denuding you, by taking away from you everything that makes you a human being. The narcissist has an added incentive to keep you this way and feebled, weak, fragile, vulnerable, unhappy, unhealthy, nonautonomous. The narcissist has an in another incentive to keep you this way. You see, fantasies, none of this is possible. It’s not your separateness, your externality challenge the narcissist’s ability to render you a piece of furniture, an in an inert object. Narcissist objectifies you by denuding you, by taking away from you everything that makes you a human being. The narcissist has an added incentive to keep you this way and feebled, weak, fragile, vulnerable, unhappy, unhealthy, nonautonomous. The narcissist has an in another incentive to keep you this way. You see,
11. 07:32 the lower you are, the higher is, the more inferior you are, the more superior he feels. You allow him to become your rescuer, your savior, your guardian and custodian, your guru. And this provides him with enormous um amounts, copious amounts of narcissistic supply. As you persist within the shared fantasy, as you become a regular presence, this regulates the flow of narcissistic supply and renders it persistent and predictable. So you see a confluence of two very powerful psychological needs. the lower you are, the higher is, the more inferior you are, the more superior he feels. You allow him to become your rescuer, your savior, your guardian and custodian, your guru. And this provides him with enormous um amounts, copious amounts of narcissistic supply. As you persist within the shared fantasy, as you become a regular presence, this regulates the flow of narcissistic supply and renders it persistent and predictable. So you see a confluence of two very powerful psychological needs.
12. 08:22 the need to somehow allay, amilarate and mitigate the overwhelming, threatening abandonment, anxiety, separation, insecurity on the one hand and the need to secure a regular flow of narcissistic supply by establishing a hierarchy where the narcissist is superior and supreme and you are an extension. uh your whole being depends on the narcissist. You become through the narcissist and you even begin to perceive yourself through the narcissist’s gaze and to perceive reality through his intermediation and the need to somehow allay, amilarate and mitigate the overwhelming, threatening abandonment, anxiety, separation, insecurity on the one hand and the need to secure a regular flow of narcissistic supply by establishing a hierarchy where the narcissist is superior and supreme and you are an extension. uh your whole being depends on the narcissist. You become through the narcissist and you even begin to perceive yourself through the narcissist’s gaze and to perceive reality through his intermediation and
13. 09:02 brokerage. He is the goeteen you and the rest of the world. A partition, a membrane. The narcissist feels entitled generally speaking, but he especially feels entitled to your weakness. If he’s entitled to your fibleness and dependency, he thinks the way of the world, the way it should be, is he’s superior. He’s supreme. He’s omnipotent. He’s omniscient. He’s brilliant. He’s perfection rayified. He’s godlike. And you are but a worshipper, a far inferior specimen of the human brokerage. He is the goeteen you and the rest of the world. A partition, a membrane. The narcissist feels entitled generally speaking, but he especially feels entitled to your weakness. If he’s entitled to your fibleness and dependency, he thinks the way of the world, the way it should be, is he’s superior. He’s supreme. He’s omnipotent. He’s omniscient. He’s brilliant. He’s perfection rayified. He’s godlike. And you are but a worshipper, a far inferior specimen of the human
14. 09:48 species. So you should be dependent on him. You should display and exhibit weakness. You should be helpless. You should never have personal autonomy, independence, agency. No way. And if you do, if you refuse to conform to this assigned role, that means that you’re aggressive. It means you’re bad. The narcissist feels entitled to your vulnerability, entitled to your feibbleness and weakness, as I said, entitled to all this. And he perceives your health, your resilience, your strength, your personal autonomy, species. So you should be dependent on him. You should display and exhibit weakness. You should be helpless. You should never have personal autonomy, independence, agency. No way. And if you do, if you refuse to conform to this assigned role, that means that you’re aggressive. It means you’re bad. The narcissist feels entitled to your vulnerability, entitled to your feibbleness and weakness, as I said, entitled to all this. And he perceives your health, your resilience, your strength, your personal autonomy,
15. 10:30 your agency, not only as threats, but as forms of aggression. When you’re healthy, when you refuse to be sick and ill, you’re being aggressive. When you’re strong and resilient, when you refuse to be weak and dependent, you’re simply being aggressive. When you are displaying personal autonomy and agency, you are being aggressive. All these are forms of aggression. The narcissist perceives your separateness, externality as forms of aggression. If you refuse to allow the narcissist to mold you, to your agency, not only as threats, but as forms of aggression. When you’re healthy, when you refuse to be sick and ill, you’re being aggressive. When you’re strong and resilient, when you refuse to be weak and dependent, you’re simply being aggressive. When you are displaying personal autonomy and agency, you are being aggressive. All these are forms of aggression. The narcissist perceives your separateness, externality as forms of aggression. If you refuse to allow the narcissist to mold you, to
16. 11:10 shape you, to direct you, to channel you, if you refuse to allow the narcissist to separate you from the rest of the world, if you refuse to grant the narcissist the privileged access to your existence and being and the power to mediate between you and the rest of reality, if you refuse all these, then you are being aggressive. You’re a bad person and you deserve punishment. Your illness, your weakness, your fragility, your vulnerability, they all justified. You had it coming. You deserve this because shape you, to direct you, to channel you, if you refuse to allow the narcissist to separate you from the rest of the world, if you refuse to grant the narcissist the privileged access to your existence and being and the power to mediate between you and the rest of reality, if you refuse all these, then you are being aggressive. You’re a bad person and you deserve punishment. Your illness, your weakness, your fragility, your vulnerability, they all justified. You had it coming. You deserve this because
17. 11:48 you are evil. And you’re evil because you refuse to cater to the narcissist’s needs. You refuse to play the part. You’re undermining the shared fantasy. And so whatever he does to you, you deserve it. In very extreme cases, it’s possible that he would become violent physically. Physical violence is the culmination of this inevitable process of deformed reasoning. And so if you refuse to be sick, he will make you sick. If you refuse to be weak, he will render you feeble. If you refuse to comply with his wishes you are evil. And you’re evil because you refuse to cater to the narcissist’s needs. You refuse to play the part. You’re undermining the shared fantasy. And so whatever he does to you, you deserve it. In very extreme cases, it’s possible that he would become violent physically. Physical violence is the culmination of this inevitable process of deformed reasoning. And so if you refuse to be sick, he will make you sick. If you refuse to be weak, he will render you feeble. If you refuse to comply with his wishes
18. 12:31 and demands and expectations, he will punish you. If you continue to collude as he sees it, to conspire with other people, your family, your friends, he will isolate you. And whatever it is that he does to you, even the most extreme things, physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, I don’t know, attempts on your life, whatever he does is in his eyes self-defense is justified in doing whatever he’s doing to you because you refuse to comply. You refuse to conform. You refuse to fit in. You are challenging and demands and expectations, he will punish you. If you continue to collude as he sees it, to conspire with other people, your family, your friends, he will isolate you. And whatever it is that he does to you, even the most extreme things, physical abuse, verbal abuse, psychological abuse, I don’t know, attempts on your life, whatever he does is in his eyes self-defense is justified in doing whatever he’s doing to you because you refuse to comply. You refuse to conform. You refuse to fit in. You are challenging
19. 13:14 him. You’re undermining him because you are evil. And evil people deserve punishment. We have a we have a mental there’s a meth mental health disorder which is very reminiscent of this dynamic. It is known as factitious disorder imposed on another FDIA. It used to be known as Minhausen syndrome by proxy. Another clinical associated disorder is f fabricated induced illness in a child. Usually we are talking about mothers and these mothers make their children ill. They poison the children. They him. You’re undermining him because you are evil. And evil people deserve punishment. We have a we have a mental there’s a meth mental health disorder which is very reminiscent of this dynamic. It is known as factitious disorder imposed on another FDIA. It used to be known as Minhausen syndrome by proxy. Another clinical associated disorder is f fabricated induced illness in a child. Usually we are talking about mothers and these mothers make their children ill. They poison the children. They
20. 14:00 traumatize the children. They damage and wound the children very often physically. They um and then they rush with the child to a hospital to the emergency room and in the emergency room they play the perfect loving mothers. They sleep nights by the child’s bed. They take care of all the child’s needs. They interface with the medical professionals in this in the institution and they garner adulation and admiration and attention from the medical staff and from other patients and their families traumatize the children. They damage and wound the children very often physically. They um and then they rush with the child to a hospital to the emergency room and in the emergency room they play the perfect loving mothers. They sleep nights by the child’s bed. They take care of all the child’s needs. They interface with the medical professionals in this in the institution and they garner adulation and admiration and attention from the medical staff and from other patients and their families
21. 14:38 as the epitome, the quintessence and the raification of good motherhood. So this type of mother drives her child to the brink of death literally and sometimes beyond just in order to be able to harvest narcissistic supply, attention, adulation, admiration and to maintain the dependency of the child on her thereby elevating her to the status of a rescuer savior. here. And so when the child refuses to to play along, when the child uh I don’t know, refuses to swallow the poison she administers, when the child as the epitome, the quintessence and the raification of good motherhood. So this type of mother drives her child to the brink of death literally and sometimes beyond just in order to be able to harvest narcissistic supply, attention, adulation, admiration and to maintain the dependency of the child on her thereby elevating her to the status of a rescuer savior. here. And so when the child refuses to to play along, when the child uh I don’t know, refuses to swallow the poison she administers, when the child
22. 15:30 is stronger than she thought the child would be, when the child refuses to get sick or when the child exposes her strategence by disclosing or revealing what she had done to him. In all these situations, the mother perceives the child as a bad child. She becomes angry, aggressive, violent. The child is frustrating her. He refuses to play the role of a sick child and she feels justified in escalating her abuse of the child to the point of death and beyond. This is exactly the dynamic that is at play between the narcissist and his is stronger than she thought the child would be, when the child refuses to get sick or when the child exposes her strategence by disclosing or revealing what she had done to him. In all these situations, the mother perceives the child as a bad child. She becomes angry, aggressive, violent. The child is frustrating her. He refuses to play the role of a sick child and she feels justified in escalating her abuse of the child to the point of death and beyond. This is exactly the dynamic that is at play between the narcissist and his
23. 16:12 intimate partner or best friend or it’s a dynamic of you will allow me not to obtain or to secure narcissistic supply. You will let me affirm my own superiority, my own grandiosity, and you will allay, you will reduce my abandonment anxiety. And you will do all this for me because I’m entitled to all this. And you will do all this by becoming sick and weak and dependent on me, helpless, and fragile and vulnerable. And if you refuse to play the part, then something’s wrong with you. You’re bad. intimate partner or best friend or it’s a dynamic of you will allow me not to obtain or to secure narcissistic supply. You will let me affirm my own superiority, my own grandiosity, and you will allay, you will reduce my abandonment anxiety. And you will do all this for me because I’m entitled to all this. And you will do all this by becoming sick and weak and dependent on me, helpless, and fragile and vulnerable. And if you refuse to play the part, then something’s wrong with you. You’re bad.
24. 16:52 You’re evil. you’re aggressing against me and I’m acting in self-defense when I’m punishing you severely and harshly. Of course, this conflicts with the needs of the narcissist with other needs. As a narcissist, as you recall, expects basically four things from his or her intimate partner. serve, sex, services, supply, sadistic or narcissistic, and a sense of safety and stability, a secure base. These are the famous four S’s. And yet, to render the narcissist, to render unto the narcissist, to provide You’re evil. you’re aggressing against me and I’m acting in self-defense when I’m punishing you severely and harshly. Of course, this conflicts with the needs of the narcissist with other needs. As a narcissist, as you recall, expects basically four things from his or her intimate partner. serve, sex, services, supply, sadistic or narcissistic, and a sense of safety and stability, a secure base. These are the famous four S’s. And yet, to render the narcissist, to render unto the narcissist, to provide
25. 17:33 the narcissist with sex, services, supply, stability, and safety, you must be capable. You must be on in top form. You must be strong and resilient. You must be healthy. You must be there. You must be in touch with reality. So there is a dissonance. There is an innate contradiction. There is a mutual exclusivity between the narcissist’s need to keep you dependent and the narcissist’s need overwhelming need to regard you as a maternal figure as a mother. Because mothers are not dependent. Mothers are the opposite of the narcissist with sex, services, supply, stability, and safety, you must be capable. You must be on in top form. You must be strong and resilient. You must be healthy. You must be there. You must be in touch with reality. So there is a dissonance. There is an innate contradiction. There is a mutual exclusivity between the narcissist’s need to keep you dependent and the narcissist’s need overwhelming need to regard you as a maternal figure as a mother. Because mothers are not dependent. Mothers are the opposite of
26. 18:13 dependent. Mothers are strong. Mothers are resilient. Mothers are not fragile and vulnerable. Mothers are not helpless. It is a child who is helpless. So on the one hand, the narcissist wants to keep you in the role of a child. The one narcissist wants to regress you to infancy. The narcissist wants to render you 1,000% dependent on him on the one hand. And on the other hand, he expects you to be a mother, a mother figure. the exact opposite, strong and independent. And this creates a huge dissonance. dependent. Mothers are strong. Mothers are resilient. Mothers are not fragile and vulnerable. Mothers are not helpless. It is a child who is helpless. So on the one hand, the narcissist wants to keep you in the role of a child. The one narcissist wants to regress you to infancy. The narcissist wants to render you 1,000% dependent on him on the one hand. And on the other hand, he expects you to be a mother, a mother figure. the exact opposite, strong and independent. And this creates a huge dissonance.
27. 18:48 Sometimes the only solution available to the narcissist is to remove himself from the sin as a way of punishing you. The narcissist perceives the conflict, perceives the contradiction, perceives the dissonance as emanating from you. The narcissist has aloplastic defenses. He tends to blame other people for everything. So because there is a contradiction between the narcissist need to see you as a child and the narcissist need to see you as a mother and this contradiction create a lot of internal Sometimes the only solution available to the narcissist is to remove himself from the sin as a way of punishing you. The narcissist perceives the conflict, perceives the contradiction, perceives the dissonance as emanating from you. The narcissist has aloplastic defenses. He tends to blame other people for everything. So because there is a contradiction between the narcissist need to see you as a child and the narcissist need to see you as a mother and this contradiction create a lot of internal
28. 19:23 conflict and discomfort. The narcissist blames you for this and he blames you for this discomfort. He blames you for this conflict. inner conflict. He blames you for this dissonance and his punishment is to remove himself from the sin to abandon you by destroying himself. Self-destruction is a form of punitive sadism. It is the equivalent of abandonment and rejection. When your partner destroys herself or himself by abusing substances by drinking, by gambling, by committing crimes, by undermining and sabotaging conflict and discomfort. The narcissist blames you for this and he blames you for this discomfort. He blames you for this conflict. inner conflict. He blames you for this dissonance and his punishment is to remove himself from the sin to abandon you by destroying himself. Self-destruction is a form of punitive sadism. It is the equivalent of abandonment and rejection. When your partner destroys herself or himself by abusing substances by drinking, by gambling, by committing crimes, by undermining and sabotaging
29. 20:10 mazoistically, life goals. When your partner is is selfharming and self trashing in all these situations, one of the reasons the partner goes through all this is in order to punish you. It’s like a form of I’m destroying myself to spite you. I’m destroying myself for you to feel bad. I’m destroying myself because I want you to be sad. I’m destroying myself because I want you to realize what you what you’re missing, what you’re about to lose. I’m destroying myself because that’s my way mazoistically, life goals. When your partner is is selfharming and self trashing in all these situations, one of the reasons the partner goes through all this is in order to punish you. It’s like a form of I’m destroying myself to spite you. I’m destroying myself for you to feel bad. I’m destroying myself because I want you to be sad. I’m destroying myself because I want you to realize what you what you’re missing, what you’re about to lose. I’m destroying myself because that’s my way
30. 20:42 of rejecting you. I’m destroying myself because that way I’m abandoning you. And I’m doing all this because I want you to feel in pain. I want you to be hurt. I want you to be punished for the frustration that you have inflicted on me. For the conflict, inner conflict that you have triggered inside me. I want you to be punished for all this. I want you to be punished for being unable to be simultaneously my child and my mother. for having failed in this. Your failure, your failure. You failed me. of rejecting you. I’m destroying myself because that way I’m abandoning you. And I’m doing all this because I want you to feel in pain. I want you to be hurt. I want you to be punished for the frustration that you have inflicted on me. For the conflict, inner conflict that you have triggered inside me. I want you to be punished for all this. I want you to be punished for being unable to be simultaneously my child and my mother. for having failed in this. Your failure, your failure. You failed me.
31. 21:15 And I now the narcissist as a 2-year-old having been failed by the partner becomes throws a temper tantrum. A self-defeating, self-destructive, selfharming, self-trushing temper tantrum known in borderline personality disorder as acting out. Never forget the mental age, the psychological age of a narcissist is typically two to three years old. And exactly as a two-year-old would destroy her her toys and cut herself and wound herself just to punish her mother because her mother frustrated her. Exactly as a three-year-old And I now the narcissist as a 2-year-old having been failed by the partner becomes throws a temper tantrum. A self-defeating, self-destructive, selfharming, self-trushing temper tantrum known in borderline personality disorder as acting out. Never forget the mental age, the psychological age of a narcissist is typically two to three years old. And exactly as a two-year-old would destroy her her toys and cut herself and wound herself just to punish her mother because her mother frustrated her. Exactly as a three-year-old
32. 22:01 would burn the house or you know run onto the street or or wound himself somehow. Narcissist would do the same. When the narcissist is confronted with the inelectable, inevitable conflict between the demands that he makes on others, especially intimate partners, the narcissist doesn’t say, “My demands are unreasonable, unreasonable, irreconcilable, mutually exclusive.” He doesn’t say that. He says, “People people are inadequate. People can’t get it right. People commit would burn the house or you know run onto the street or or wound himself somehow. Narcissist would do the same. When the narcissist is confronted with the inelectable, inevitable conflict between the demands that he makes on others, especially intimate partners, the narcissist doesn’t say, “My demands are unreasonable, unreasonable, irreconcilable, mutually exclusive.” He doesn’t say that. He says, “People people are inadequate. People can’t get it right. People commit
33. 22:41 these mistakes. people are unable, incapable, zeros, you know, he devalues other people and then the frustration creates aggression. He becomes angry and rageful and sometimes he redirects this rage at himself as a way to punish other people. That is also the main motivation in suicidal ideiation and suicide attempts and suicide among narcissists. It’s intended to punish other people. It’s intended as a sadistic taunt. It is I will show you now. You will have to live without me. I’m going to remove myself from the these mistakes. people are unable, incapable, zeros, you know, he devalues other people and then the frustration creates aggression. He becomes angry and rageful and sometimes he redirects this rage at himself as a way to punish other people. That is also the main motivation in suicidal ideiation and suicide attempts and suicide among narcissists. It’s intended to punish other people. It’s intended as a sadistic taunt. It is I will show you now. You will have to live without me. I’m going to remove myself from the
34. 23:27 scene inexurably and irreversibly by killing myself. and then you’re going to suffer in the narcissist’s infantile mind. This is the sequence. And because the narcissist demands within the shared fantasy are mutually exclusive and contradictory, the shared fantasy often unravels. As it unravels, the narcissist’s aloplastic defenses kick in. He blames everyone around him for whatever it is that’s happening inside him. and he punishes everyone either aggressively that would be an antisocial narcissist, scene inexurably and irreversibly by killing myself. and then you’re going to suffer in the narcissist’s infantile mind. This is the sequence. And because the narcissist demands within the shared fantasy are mutually exclusive and contradictory, the shared fantasy often unravels. As it unravels, the narcissist’s aloplastic defenses kick in. He blames everyone around him for whatever it is that’s happening inside him. and he punishes everyone either aggressively that would be an antisocial narcissist,
35. 24:03 malignant narcissist or he would redirect this energy, this negative effectivity. He would redirect it uh inwardly. He would become depressed and anxious and in extreme cases emotionally dregulated, a borderline personality organization and he may may even end up committing suicide. So this is the core problem, the core dilemma in pathological narcissism. You can never get it right with a narcissist. There’s nothing you could do or could have done to prevent what’s happening. It’s not about you. You are malignant narcissist or he would redirect this energy, this negative effectivity. He would redirect it uh inwardly. He would become depressed and anxious and in extreme cases emotionally dregulated, a borderline personality organization and he may may even end up committing suicide. So this is the core problem, the core dilemma in pathological narcissism. You can never get it right with a narcissist. There’s nothing you could do or could have done to prevent what’s happening. It’s not about you. You are
36. 24:45 irrelevant. You’re replaceable. You’re dispensable. You’re interchangeable. Forget it. It’s not about you. It’s never about you. It’s the narcissist flailing about, desperately attempting to put together pieces that never match. A square, a peg, a circle. They don’t go together. The narcissist is an amalgam of ill-fitting and mismatched parts. A veritable Frankenstein monster. irrelevant. You’re replaceable. You’re dispensable. You’re interchangeable. Forget it. It’s not about you. It’s never about you. It’s the narcissist flailing about, desperately attempting to put together pieces that never match. A square, a peg, a circle. They don’t go together. The narcissist is an amalgam of ill-fitting and mismatched parts. A veritable Frankenstein monster.