Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Control Freaks and Their Victims

1. 00:02 Today I would like to discuss control freaks, my favorite topic. My name is Sam Baknin. I’m the author of Malignant SelfLab, Narcissism Revisited, and I’m a professor of psychology. And as you all know, all professors are control freaks. Ask any student. Okay, Shashanim, let’s talk about control. But before we do, I want to distinguish between control and other forms of interaction. Control is is not the same as manipulation. Manipulation is goal oriented. Machavelian Mchavelianism or Today I would like to discuss control freaks, my favorite topic. My name is Sam Baknin. I’m the author of Malignant SelfLab, Narcissism Revisited, and I’m a professor of psychology. And as you all know, all professors are control freaks. Ask any student. Okay, Shashanim, let’s talk about control. But before we do, I want to distinguish between control and other forms of interaction. Control is is not the same as manipulation. Manipulation is goal oriented. Machavelian Mchavelianism or
2. 00:48 manipulativeness is the tendency to extract beneficial outcomes or outcomes that are perceived as beneficial from people. So it’s not about controlling people. It’s about controlling the output of people. It’s about extracting from people all kinds of benefits such as sex, money, power, access, you name it. So manipulation is goal focused. And so the narcissist, for example, might manipulate his so-called nearest and dearest in order to obtain the four S’s. sex supply sadistic and manipulativeness is the tendency to extract beneficial outcomes or outcomes that are perceived as beneficial from people. So it’s not about controlling people. It’s about controlling the output of people. It’s about extracting from people all kinds of benefits such as sex, money, power, access, you name it. So manipulation is goal focused. And so the narcissist, for example, might manipulate his so-called nearest and dearest in order to obtain the four S’s. sex supply sadistic and
3. 01:27 narcissistic services and safety. This is the antisocial aspect of or dissocial aspect of narcissism. But generally speaking, control is not about securing outcomes but securing the source of the outcomes. It’s not about the the securing the food but securing the land on which you could grow grow food. It’s not about securing the milk. It’s about securing the cow. Get it or do you need additional metaphors and simileies? So the manipulativeness or manipulationism is pretty oblivious narcissistic services and safety. This is the antisocial aspect of or dissocial aspect of narcissism. But generally speaking, control is not about securing outcomes but securing the source of the outcomes. It’s not about the the securing the food but securing the land on which you could grow grow food. It’s not about securing the milk. It’s about securing the cow. Get it or do you need additional metaphors and simileies? So the manipulativeness or manipulationism is pretty oblivious
4. 02:14 u pretty neutral when it come to the found or the source of the desired outcomes, desired consequences. Whereas control freakery, the tendency to control people is completely focused on individuals like I want to control that person. So we one could say that manipulation comes after control. So you first control another person and then you control that person usually in order to extract some benefits when the manipuliveness or manipulation comes into play. Next thing control is not the same as power play. u pretty neutral when it come to the found or the source of the desired outcomes, desired consequences. Whereas control freakery, the tendency to control people is completely focused on individuals like I want to control that person. So we one could say that manipulation comes after control. So you first control another person and then you control that person usually in order to extract some benefits when the manipuliveness or manipulation comes into play. Next thing control is not the same as power play.
5. 03:03 Power play is an attempt to establish a hierarchy by matching prowess and clout by crossing swords by comparing strengths and weaknesses. The word power play is a kind of matrix, a kind of um uh strategy or strategy or technique intended to establish who’s the boss, who’s on top, who’s in charge. The power play is not about control. Although the outcome of a power play is usually a form of controlled environment or controlled hierarchy, you could engage in a power play without ever establishing control. Power play is an attempt to establish a hierarchy by matching prowess and clout by crossing swords by comparing strengths and weaknesses. The word power play is a kind of matrix, a kind of um uh strategy or strategy or technique intended to establish who’s the boss, who’s on top, who’s in charge. The power play is not about control. Although the outcome of a power play is usually a form of controlled environment or controlled hierarchy, you could engage in a power play without ever establishing control.
6. 03:50 And the last thing I want to distinguish control from is sedom mazoism. You could have a situation when one person is a sadist, the other person is a mazoist. One person is dominant, the other p person is submissive. This could this could be in sex. But this could be in intimate relationships as well. Sad mazokism is not the same as control because in somazokism there is equality. The two parties are equal. The mazukist is getting something out of the interaction. Is benefiting from the interaction. And the last thing I want to distinguish control from is sedom mazoism. You could have a situation when one person is a sadist, the other person is a mazoist. One person is dominant, the other p person is submissive. This could this could be in sex. But this could be in intimate relationships as well. Sad mazokism is not the same as control because in somazokism there is equality. The two parties are equal. The mazukist is getting something out of the interaction. Is benefiting from the interaction.
7. 04:28 The mazukis cherishes pain as a form of arousal. He finds the mazukis finds pain exciting whereas a sadis finds inflicting pain exciting. So they strike a deal. Sado mazokism is transactional with both parties on an equal footing. That is not the case with control of course. So now let’s go and discuss control dynamics. In control dynamics, there are two parties. The controller and the control of the controlled. Control is established by a delicate dance between the controller and the control. The mazukis cherishes pain as a form of arousal. He finds the mazukis finds pain exciting whereas a sadis finds inflicting pain exciting. So they strike a deal. Sado mazokism is transactional with both parties on an equal footing. That is not the case with control of course. So now let’s go and discuss control dynamics. In control dynamics, there are two parties. The controller and the control of the controlled. Control is established by a delicate dance between the controller and the control.
8. 05:14 It is very difficult to establish control without the collaboration or collusion of the victim of the controlled party. Now you could say well you see it’s the same as sat mazoism. In sodom mazukoism there’s an implicit compact implicit contract a transaction where one side inflicts pain the other benefit enjoys it. So it’s the same here. The controller controls and the control of the controlled enjoys the control. That’s not the case because in sodom mazukism the sadism and the mazukism are It is very difficult to establish control without the collaboration or collusion of the victim of the controlled party. Now you could say well you see it’s the same as sat mazoism. In sodom mazukoism there’s an implicit compact implicit contract a transaction where one side inflicts pain the other benefit enjoys it. So it’s the same here. The controller controls and the control of the controlled enjoys the control. That’s not the case because in sodom mazukism the sadism and the mazukism are
9. 05:51 conscious whereas in control dynamics most of the dynamics most of the processes involved are unconscious on the controller side and on the controlled side. One could say that control freakery is unconscious essentially. What are the motivations? What are the motivations of the controller, the active party, the party who seeks to establish dominance and and control? What are the motivations of someone who is terrified of losing control, who is obsessed and preoccupied with establishing control, a a conscious whereas in control dynamics most of the dynamics most of the processes involved are unconscious on the controller side and on the controlled side. One could say that control freakery is unconscious essentially. What are the motivations? What are the motivations of the controller, the active party, the party who seeks to establish dominance and and control? What are the motivations of someone who is terrified of losing control, who is obsessed and preoccupied with establishing control, a a
10. 06:32 hierarchy? What are the motivations of someone like that? Well, there are several possibilities. A narcissistic person would engage in controlling behaviors to self-enhance, to self- aggrandise, to support an inflated fantastic grandio self-concept involving omnipotence or being all powerful and by withholding information which is an integral element of control. Control is founded on information asymmetry. By withholding information, this encourages a sense of omniscience. I know more than you. I know everything hierarchy? What are the motivations of someone like that? Well, there are several possibilities. A narcissistic person would engage in controlling behaviors to self-enhance, to self- aggrandise, to support an inflated fantastic grandio self-concept involving omnipotence or being all powerful and by withholding information which is an integral element of control. Control is founded on information asymmetry. By withholding information, this encourages a sense of omniscience. I know more than you. I know everything
11. 07:14 and you have partial information. Therefore, I am in charge. I am in control. And indeed, hierarchies all over the world are established precisely on information as asymmetry. The need to know. If you are a brigadier general, you know more than the colonel does and the colonal knows a hell of a lot more than the sergeant does in the army. If you’re a doctor, you know more than the nurse and so on. So hierarchies are founded on information as symmetry. The first motivation therefore is simply and you have partial information. Therefore, I am in charge. I am in control. And indeed, hierarchies all over the world are established precisely on information as asymmetry. The need to know. If you are a brigadier general, you know more than the colonel does and the colonal knows a hell of a lot more than the sergeant does in the army. If you’re a doctor, you know more than the nurse and so on. So hierarchies are founded on information as symmetry. The first motivation therefore is simply
12. 07:49 grandiosity, narcissistic grandiosity, self agrandisement, self-enhancement, a sense of omnipotence. I control you. Therefore, I am godlike. I’m in charge. Therefore, I’m divine. And withholding information in order to establish information of symmetry, which supports the notion of omniscience, but there are other possible reasons. Not all controllers, not all control freaks are narcissists. Actually, a small majority, a small minority are. Another reason much more common is what we call separation insecurity grandiosity, narcissistic grandiosity, self agrandisement, self-enhancement, a sense of omnipotence. I control you. Therefore, I am godlike. I’m in charge. Therefore, I’m divine. And withholding information in order to establish information of symmetry, which supports the notion of omniscience, but there are other possible reasons. Not all controllers, not all control freaks are narcissists. Actually, a small majority, a small minority are. Another reason much more common is what we call separation insecurity
13. 08:30 colloquially known as abandonment anxiety or separation anxiety. If you’re afraid that your intimate partner, your best friend, your you know your workers, if you’re afraid that people are going to abandon you, they’re going to abandon you’re going to they’re going to let go. They’re going to push you away. They’re going to walk away. If you are terrified of this because innately you’re highly dependent on them. So if you have separation insecurity then you are likely to try to exert colloquially known as abandonment anxiety or separation anxiety. If you’re afraid that your intimate partner, your best friend, your you know your workers, if you’re afraid that people are going to abandon you, they’re going to abandon you’re going to they’re going to let go. They’re going to push you away. They’re going to walk away. If you are terrified of this because innately you’re highly dependent on them. So if you have separation insecurity then you are likely to try to exert
14. 09:03 control to prevent them from leaving you to to to render the circumstances such that abandoning you would have such a high cost and would make it unpalatable or implaus an implausible choice. you would you would um use your fear of separation, fear of abandonment to motivate to motivate you to prevent abandonment. So the control here in this case is much more about any one specific individual and the control here is about redesigning the entire environment and and taking charge of circumstances control to prevent them from leaving you to to to render the circumstances such that abandoning you would have such a high cost and would make it unpalatable or implaus an implausible choice. you would you would um use your fear of separation, fear of abandonment to motivate to motivate you to prevent abandonment. So the control here in this case is much more about any one specific individual and the control here is about redesigning the entire environment and and taking charge of circumstances
15. 09:48 not only of people. Separation insecurity is especially amplified and magnified when the partner is clearly unhappy. The unhappier the partner is, the more the stronger the abandonment anxiety and the more the proclivity or propensity to engage in controlling behaviors. In this case, abuse becomes a loyalty test. What are the techniques of the controller? They’re basically three. intimidation, disorientation, creating disorientation, for example, via gaslighting and broadcasting um kind of broadcasting expectations. not only of people. Separation insecurity is especially amplified and magnified when the partner is clearly unhappy. The unhappier the partner is, the more the stronger the abandonment anxiety and the more the proclivity or propensity to engage in controlling behaviors. In this case, abuse becomes a loyalty test. What are the techniques of the controller? They’re basically three. intimidation, disorientation, creating disorientation, for example, via gaslighting and broadcasting um kind of broadcasting expectations.
16. 10:40 By broadcasting expectations and by feigning or exhibiting disappointment, you could control certain types of people. So for example, people pleasers or codependence. So intimidation, disorientation, expectation. What about the controlled the other part of the equation? Many controlling behaviors are unconscious. The controller would deny that he or she is engaging in any controlling uh conduct. They would they would absolutely um would not be able to identify themselves in this. They would reject By broadcasting expectations and by feigning or exhibiting disappointment, you could control certain types of people. So for example, people pleasers or codependence. So intimidation, disorientation, expectation. What about the controlled the other part of the equation? Many controlling behaviors are unconscious. The controller would deny that he or she is engaging in any controlling uh conduct. They would they would absolutely um would not be able to identify themselves in this. They would reject
17. 11:21 such accusations and charges as false. They would become aggressive because controlling behavior satisfies deep set unconscious needs, psychological needs. Consequently, it is submerged. It’s it’s not um accessible to consciousness. Your consciousness is not privy to these behaviors. The same goes for the controlled party, the victim. What are the motivations of the controlled part? Well, first and foremost, infantile and infantile need for a secure base, for a sense of safety within a comfort zone. such accusations and charges as false. They would become aggressive because controlling behavior satisfies deep set unconscious needs, psychological needs. Consequently, it is submerged. It’s it’s not um accessible to consciousness. Your consciousness is not privy to these behaviors. The same goes for the controlled party, the victim. What are the motivations of the controlled part? Well, first and foremost, infantile and infantile need for a secure base, for a sense of safety within a comfort zone.
18. 12:01 So the controlled party, the control, the victim feels safe, feels familiar, feels comfortable when she is controlled and only when she is controlled. When he when a when the victim finds herself or himself in an environment which is devoid of control where no clear hierarchy is established, she feels disoriented and even terrified. She dreads a lack of structure and order, a clear flowchart of authority. So secure base. The second motivation is victimhood. Being controlled allows some people to So the controlled party, the control, the victim feels safe, feels familiar, feels comfortable when she is controlled and only when she is controlled. When he when a when the victim finds herself or himself in an environment which is devoid of control where no clear hierarchy is established, she feels disoriented and even terrified. She dreads a lack of structure and order, a clear flowchart of authority. So secure base. The second motivation is victimhood. Being controlled allows some people to
19. 12:53 feel that they are justified in perceiving themselves as victims or martyrs and this constitutes their identity. The third reason is an internalized bed object cluster or constellation of introjects voices that inform the individual that he or she is unworthy and lovable, a loser, inadequate and so on. And then placing oneself in a situation when where one would be microcontrolled, micromanaged by a control freak is a form of self harm, self-defeat, self-punishment. And it’s a way to validate the feel that they are justified in perceiving themselves as victims or martyrs and this constitutes their identity. The third reason is an internalized bed object cluster or constellation of introjects voices that inform the individual that he or she is unworthy and lovable, a loser, inadequate and so on. And then placing oneself in a situation when where one would be microcontrolled, micromanaged by a control freak is a form of self harm, self-defeat, self-punishment. And it’s a way to validate the
20. 13:33 internalized bed object. So these are the motivations of controlled people. What are the techniques? How do they collude and collaborate in the shared fantasy which is controlbased which is which revolves around control, giving control, taking control, accepting accepting control. So the techniques are a collusion in the shared fantasy, a relatively explicit uh induction of oneself into a situation with a controlling person which would end in coercive control or micromanagement or so on. So so collusion. The second technique is internalized bed object. So these are the motivations of controlled people. What are the techniques? How do they collude and collaborate in the shared fantasy which is controlbased which is which revolves around control, giving control, taking control, accepting accepting control. So the techniques are a collusion in the shared fantasy, a relatively explicit uh induction of oneself into a situation with a controlling person which would end in coercive control or micromanagement or so on. So so collusion. The second technique is
21. 14:16 control from the bottom. This is very common in in cod in codependence dependent personality disorder. Control from the bottom is ostentatious displays of helplessness and neediness and clinginess which trigger in the recipient controlling behaviors. So you control actually the controller. It’s disguised control. You display um you display your impotence or your neediness or your your your need for help or your need for advice or you claim that you cannot survive without these. Emotional blackmail is involved control from the bottom. This is very common in in cod in codependence dependent personality disorder. Control from the bottom is ostentatious displays of helplessness and neediness and clinginess which trigger in the recipient controlling behaviors. So you control actually the controller. It’s disguised control. You display um you display your impotence or your neediness or your your your need for help or your need for advice or you claim that you cannot survive without these. Emotional blackmail is involved
22. 14:58 and you force the other party to actually accommodate your expectations, desires, wishes and demands. It’s a form of control but from the bottom. And finally, liability and disregulation. You inject uncertainty and unpredictability and indeterminacy and dread into the relationship so that you force via projective identification you force the other party to become a control freak. The other party is so terrified of your unpredictable behavior acting out crazy making. The other party is so so dreads and you force the other party to actually accommodate your expectations, desires, wishes and demands. It’s a form of control but from the bottom. And finally, liability and disregulation. You inject uncertainty and unpredictability and indeterminacy and dread into the relationship so that you force via projective identification you force the other party to become a control freak. The other party is so terrified of your unpredictable behavior acting out crazy making. The other party is so so dreads
23. 15:45 your the uncertainty that now imbusses the entire relationship that the other party decides the only solution it is in order to stay with you. In order to remain in the relation, the only solution is to control you like as if you were some kind of um toddler, infant or maybe adolescent who needs constant monitoring, supervision, discipline and control. So infantilizing yourself in order to trigger a controlling response from the other person. These are the techniques of the controlled party, the your the uncertainty that now imbusses the entire relationship that the other party decides the only solution it is in order to stay with you. In order to remain in the relation, the only solution is to control you like as if you were some kind of um toddler, infant or maybe adolescent who needs constant monitoring, supervision, discipline and control. So infantilizing yourself in order to trigger a controlling response from the other person. These are the techniques of the controlled party, the
24. 16:26 controlling and the victim. controlling and the victim.