Tip: click a paragraph to jump to the exact moment in the video. Narcissistic Abuse is Grueling TEST: Did YOU Pass It? (Clip: Skopje Seminar, May 2025)

1. 00:00 behave. That’s love bombing. At this stage, you’re already in the shed fantasy. He doesn’t need to acquire you. You’re in the process of idealization with the narcissist. I keep telling you, the narcissist imposes the same template on all relationships. For example, in therapy, when the narcissist finally attends therapy in a covert phase, the narcissist immediately imposes the shared fantasy on the therapy. Immediately. There is even a name for that. There’s even a name for that and behave. That’s love bombing. At this stage, you’re already in the shed fantasy. He doesn’t need to acquire you. You’re in the process of idealization with the narcissist. I keep telling you, the narcissist imposes the same template on all relationships. For example, in therapy, when the narcissist finally attends therapy in a covert phase, the narcissist immediately imposes the shared fantasy on the therapy. Immediately. There is even a name for that. There’s even a name for that and
2. 00:31 it’s uh the the idealization of the therapist is known as idealizing transference. The idealizing transference. So the narcissist comes to therapy. Okay, first meeting he scans the therapist is oh great this therapist could be a source of narcissistic supply. Okay. Then he auditions the therapist. The therapist passes the the audition with flying colors. And the next phase, the narcissist idealizes the therapist exactly like in a romantic relationship. And it is so exact that we have special it’s uh the the idealization of the therapist is known as idealizing transference. The idealizing transference. So the narcissist comes to therapy. Okay, first meeting he scans the therapist is oh great this therapist could be a source of narcissistic supply. Okay. Then he auditions the therapist. The therapist passes the the audition with flying colors. And the next phase, the narcissist idealizes the therapist exactly like in a romantic relationship. And it is so exact that we have special
3. 01:13 terms for this in therapy. Like we have special words, special phrases to describe these very stages, these very phases in therapy. Idealization in therapy is called idealizing transference. There’s a name for that. So it’s not limited to intimate or romantic relationships. Anyone, friends, therapists, intimate partners, children, the narcissist’s own children. He would do this to his children. He would scam them. He would audition them. He would idealize them. And he would impose on terms for this in therapy. Like we have special words, special phrases to describe these very stages, these very phases in therapy. Idealization in therapy is called idealizing transference. There’s a name for that. So it’s not limited to intimate or romantic relationships. Anyone, friends, therapists, intimate partners, children, the narcissist’s own children. He would do this to his children. He would scam them. He would audition them. He would idealize them. And he would impose on
4. 01:46 them a shared fantasy. At that point, something interesting happens. The narcissist has introjected you, took a snapshot of you. The narcissist idealized the snapshot. Think of it like a 3D 3D printer. Narcissist idealized the snapshot, photoshopped it. Now in the narcissist’s mind, there is an ideal version of you, a perfect being, flawless, amazing, intelligent, super sexy, etc. What the narcissist does then, he exposes you to this image via the love bombing. The love bombing is intended to them a shared fantasy. At that point, something interesting happens. The narcissist has introjected you, took a snapshot of you. The narcissist idealized the snapshot. Think of it like a 3D 3D printer. Narcissist idealized the snapshot, photoshopped it. Now in the narcissist’s mind, there is an ideal version of you, a perfect being, flawless, amazing, intelligent, super sexy, etc. What the narcissist does then, he exposes you to this image via the love bombing. The love bombing is intended to
5. 02:35 communicate to you the narcissist expectations, but incidentally, it exposes you to this idealized image and you fall in love. It’s actually the first time you fall in love, not with a narcissist, but with your own idealized image. You become self-infatuated. Your idealized image is perfect. And it is irresistible to you. You want more. It becomes addictive. You crave this idealized image. And only the narcissist can give you access to this idealized image. Only through the narcissist’s gaze can you see yourself communicate to you the narcissist expectations, but incidentally, it exposes you to this idealized image and you fall in love. It’s actually the first time you fall in love, not with a narcissist, but with your own idealized image. You become self-infatuated. Your idealized image is perfect. And it is irresistible to you. You want more. It becomes addictive. You crave this idealized image. And only the narcissist can give you access to this idealized image. Only through the narcissist’s gaze can you see yourself
6. 03:21 as immaculate, perfect beings, more beautiful than anyone, more intelligent than anyone, more irresistible than anyone, more anything than anyone. So it’s there, this image, you’re exposed to it, and the narcissist holds a monopoly. If you want more, you have to come to the narcissist and beg for more. I call it the hall of mirrors effect. The hall of mirrors. You remember that narcissism, pathological narcissism is a huge emptiness. Think of it as a carnival tent. A carnival tent. It’s empty. In in as immaculate, perfect beings, more beautiful than anyone, more intelligent than anyone, more irresistible than anyone, more anything than anyone. So it’s there, this image, you’re exposed to it, and the narcissist holds a monopoly. If you want more, you have to come to the narcissist and beg for more. I call it the hall of mirrors effect. The hall of mirrors. You remember that narcissism, pathological narcissism is a huge emptiness. Think of it as a carnival tent. A carnival tent. It’s empty. In in
7. 04:02 the middle of the of the tent, there is a hall of mirrors. There’s a hall of mirrors, a corridor with many mirrors. The narcissist invites you to the tent and you are forced to walk through the hall of mirrors which bisects the tent. You’re forced to walk through it. As you walk through the hall of mirrors, you see yourself everywhere. You see yourself multiplied. You see yourself agrandized. You see yourself perfect. You see yourself godlike. And it’s very addictive. This whole of mirror effect is very addictive. You the middle of the of the tent, there is a hall of mirrors. There’s a hall of mirrors, a corridor with many mirrors. The narcissist invites you to the tent and you are forced to walk through the hall of mirrors which bisects the tent. You’re forced to walk through it. As you walk through the hall of mirrors, you see yourself everywhere. You see yourself multiplied. You see yourself agrandized. You see yourself perfect. You see yourself godlike. And it’s very addictive. This whole of mirror effect is very addictive. You
8. 04:37 can’t let go. It’s a form of self-enhancement and self infatuation. And for many people, for many people, it’s the first time they experience self-love. Actually, it’s the first time they’ve had the experience of self-love or the first time they’ve had the experience of maternal love because that’s the way a mother loves. A mother loves her child especially in the early stages. A mother loves her child as an ideal perfect being. Mother loves her child unconditionally. can’t let go. It’s a form of self-enhancement and self infatuation. And for many people, for many people, it’s the first time they experience self-love. Actually, it’s the first time they’ve had the experience of self-love or the first time they’ve had the experience of maternal love because that’s the way a mother loves. A mother loves her child especially in the early stages. A mother loves her child as an ideal perfect being. Mother loves her child unconditionally.
9. 05:15 So when you are in the hall of mirrors, you’re agrandized. You’re inflated. You you’re rendered perfect and then you have perfect love, unconditional love for yourself because you deserve unconditional love because you’re blemishless. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s no fault, no frailty, no weakness, no vulnerability. So you can be loved unconditionally and perfectly. And this experience is actually the experience not only of self- infatuation but of self-love and So when you are in the hall of mirrors, you’re agrandized. You’re inflated. You you’re rendered perfect and then you have perfect love, unconditional love for yourself because you deserve unconditional love because you’re blemishless. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s no fault, no frailty, no weakness, no vulnerability. So you can be loved unconditionally and perfectly. And this experience is actually the experience not only of self- infatuation but of self-love and
10. 05:49 the way a mother would love you. This is an amazing experience and many many victims all victims actually describe it. They say at the beginning of a relationship, I felt so loved like never before. I felt loved like never before. It was an amazing love. I don’t believe I will ever experience something like this again. And that part is true actually. The narcissist gives you the experience of loving yourself the way a mother would. And it’s once in a lifetime experience. We’re moving on. We’re moving on to the the way a mother would love you. This is an amazing experience and many many victims all victims actually describe it. They say at the beginning of a relationship, I felt so loved like never before. I felt loved like never before. It was an amazing love. I don’t believe I will ever experience something like this again. And that part is true actually. The narcissist gives you the experience of loving yourself the way a mother would. And it’s once in a lifetime experience. We’re moving on. We’re moving on to the
11. 06:31 dual mothership phase. What has happened until now? You have come across a narcissist child. You’ve had the pleasurable encounter with a narcissist alleged inner child. This simulation of a child. You fell in love with this child. You got attached to this child. You became protective or overprotective of the child. So, you are bonded. You’re bonded with the with the simulated child of the narcissist. The narcissist regressed you, infantilized you. When you walk through the hall of mirrors, you became you dual mothership phase. What has happened until now? You have come across a narcissist child. You’ve had the pleasurable encounter with a narcissist alleged inner child. This simulation of a child. You fell in love with this child. You got attached to this child. You became protective or overprotective of the child. So, you are bonded. You’re bonded with the with the simulated child of the narcissist. The narcissist regressed you, infantilized you. When you walk through the hall of mirrors, you became you
12. 07:05 became you, you have had the experience of maternal love, unconditional love, perfect love for a perfect being, perfect love for a perfect being. And so now at the end of the hall of mirrors, when you exit the hall of mirrors in this imaginary carnival tent, you exit the hall of mirrors. You are a mother. You’re a mother. You’re your own child in the hall of mirrors, but still you’re a mother. And the narcissist is a child. You are ready to become the narcissist mother. You have had the experience of mothering became you, you have had the experience of maternal love, unconditional love, perfect love for a perfect being, perfect love for a perfect being. And so now at the end of the hall of mirrors, when you exit the hall of mirrors in this imaginary carnival tent, you exit the hall of mirrors. You are a mother. You’re a mother. You’re your own child in the hall of mirrors, but still you’re a mother. And the narcissist is a child. You are ready to become the narcissist mother. You have had the experience of mothering
13. 07:47 in the Hall of Mirrors. You were mothering yourself in the Hall of Mirrors, but still you have had the experience of mothering. The narcissist is there. He’s a child. Not only a child, but a child in need, a child who is hurting, child in pain. And so now you’re a mother. There’s a child. And the first element of the dual mothership is established. You have become, congratulations, the narcissist’s mother, the narcissist’s new mother. At the same time, the narcissist infantilizes you. Because in the Hall of in the Hall of Mirrors. You were mothering yourself in the Hall of Mirrors, but still you have had the experience of mothering. The narcissist is there. He’s a child. Not only a child, but a child in need, a child who is hurting, child in pain. And so now you’re a mother. There’s a child. And the first element of the dual mothership is established. You have become, congratulations, the narcissist’s mother, the narcissist’s new mother. At the same time, the narcissist infantilizes you. Because in the Hall of
14. 08:23 Mirrors, you are both mother and your own child. Your child, not only a mother, it’s a dual experience as a mother and as a child. And the narcissist demands of you to infantilize, to regress, to go back in life, to lose executive functions. The narcissist takes over your ego functions, takes over. You becomes your external regulator, your your source of of mastery and control. So you become a baby, you infantilize. So this is the dual mothership. You become the narcissist’s mother and the Mirrors, you are both mother and your own child. Your child, not only a mother, it’s a dual experience as a mother and as a child. And the narcissist demands of you to infantilize, to regress, to go back in life, to lose executive functions. The narcissist takes over your ego functions, takes over. You becomes your external regulator, your your source of of mastery and control. So you become a baby, you infantilize. So this is the dual mothership. You become the narcissist’s mother and the
15. 09:04 narcissist becomes your mother. You love him unconditionally as a mother would. He loves you uncondition loves you unconditionally as a mother would through the whole of mirrors effect by giving you access to the whole to your idealized image. He creates the impression of mothering you. So now you have a situation where you are we are the narcissist’s mother and his child and the narcissist is your mother and your child. This is possibly the most extreme indisoluble form of bonding and attachment there is. narcissist becomes your mother. You love him unconditionally as a mother would. He loves you uncondition loves you unconditionally as a mother would through the whole of mirrors effect by giving you access to the whole to your idealized image. He creates the impression of mothering you. So now you have a situation where you are we are the narcissist’s mother and his child and the narcissist is your mother and your child. This is possibly the most extreme indisoluble form of bonding and attachment there is.
16. 09:47 I cannot conceive of any other type of bond or attachment that is stronger than this. To be someone’s mother and also someone’s child is, I think the most extreme form of bonding and attachment imaginable. And this is exactly what the narcissist does totally intuitively, totally unconsciously. He bonds you to him as his mother and he bonds you to him. He attaches you to himself as your child as he as your child. So when you try to break up with a narcissist, you have to break up with a narcissist I cannot conceive of any other type of bond or attachment that is stronger than this. To be someone’s mother and also someone’s child is, I think the most extreme form of bonding and attachment imaginable. And this is exactly what the narcissist does totally intuitively, totally unconsciously. He bonds you to him as his mother and he bonds you to him. He attaches you to himself as your child as he as your child. So when you try to break up with a narcissist, you have to break up with a narcissist
17. 10:29 as his mother. You have to give up on your child and you have to break up with a narcissist as your mother. You have to give up on your mother and you have to give up on your child when you break up with the narcissist. Nothing compares to this. No romantic or intimate relationship or any type of relationship exists that remotely compares to this. This is the most extreme form of bonding. We’ll come to it later today. We will discuss the grief. The grief and mourning and bereiement when you break as his mother. You have to give up on your child and you have to break up with a narcissist as your mother. You have to give up on your mother and you have to give up on your child when you break up with the narcissist. Nothing compares to this. No romantic or intimate relationship or any type of relationship exists that remotely compares to this. This is the most extreme form of bonding. We’ll come to it later today. We will discuss the grief. The grief and mourning and bereiement when you break
18. 11:03 up with a narcissist. What happens to you? We’ll analyze the grief reaction on the way to healing and and recovery, of course, later. At this stage, you are the narcissist’s mother. And remember, the whole purpose of the shared fantasy, the whole purpose is to reenact, replay the original relationship with the original mother. the relationship early in early childhood where the narcissist failed to separate from the mother, the maternal figure. Yes. To separate from the mother and to become an individual. up with a narcissist. What happens to you? We’ll analyze the grief reaction on the way to healing and and recovery, of course, later. At this stage, you are the narcissist’s mother. And remember, the whole purpose of the shared fantasy, the whole purpose is to reenact, replay the original relationship with the original mother. the relationship early in early childhood where the narcissist failed to separate from the mother, the maternal figure. Yes. To separate from the mother and to become an individual.
19. 11:43 There was a failure in what is known as separation individuation. We used to we used to describe it as a symbiotic phase or symbiotic bond. The work by Mala, there was work by Mara that described it as a symbiotic bond. So the the child tries to exit the symbiosis with the mother by separating from the mother. Separating from the mother and exploring the world grandiosely. So this stage is known as separation. Having explored the world, having discovered the universe, having interacted with peers and other people, There was a failure in what is known as separation individuation. We used to we used to describe it as a symbiotic phase or symbiotic bond. The work by Mala, there was work by Mara that described it as a symbiotic bond. So the the child tries to exit the symbiosis with the mother by separating from the mother. Separating from the mother and exploring the world grandiosely. So this stage is known as separation. Having explored the world, having discovered the universe, having interacted with peers and other people,
20. 12:26 the child then establishes boundaries and within these boundaries there is the nent emerging self. So separating from the mother is a precondition for the formation of the self. A mother who does not allow the child to separate because she is depressive, because she is selfish, because she is emotionally absent, because she is instrumentalizing, because she’s parentifying, because she’s spoiling the child, because she is overprotective. A mother who gets it wrong, a mother who is not good enough the child then establishes boundaries and within these boundaries there is the nent emerging self. So separating from the mother is a precondition for the formation of the self. A mother who does not allow the child to separate because she is depressive, because she is selfish, because she is emotionally absent, because she is instrumentalizing, because she’s parentifying, because she’s spoiling the child, because she is overprotective. A mother who gets it wrong, a mother who is not good enough
21. 12:59 mother, in the words of Donald, such a mother would not allow their child to separate. The child would be afraid that if it separates from the mother, it will be punished. The mother is not a secure base. The mother is broadcasting to the child, don’t separate from me. If you separate from me, you’re a bad boy or a bad girl. You don’t love me. You’re going to hurt me. So the child refuses to separate and remains stuck in what Mal used to call the symbiotic phase in a symbiosis kind mother, in the words of Donald, such a mother would not allow their child to separate. The child would be afraid that if it separates from the mother, it will be punished. The mother is not a secure base. The mother is broadcasting to the child, don’t separate from me. If you separate from me, you’re a bad boy or a bad girl. You don’t love me. You’re going to hurt me. So the child refuses to separate and remains stuck in what Mal used to call the symbiotic phase in a symbiosis kind
22. 13:37 of back to the womb. So the narcissist all narcissists no exception have failed in the separation phase and now they found a new mother. Yippee. There’s a new mother. She loves them as a mother would. They love her as a child would. The conditions are set for another attempt at separation individuation. A replay, a reenactment of the early dynamics that have failed with the original mother. Now the narcissist will try to separate from you his new mother. And by doing so, and when you act as a secure base, of back to the womb. So the narcissist all narcissists no exception have failed in the separation phase and now they found a new mother. Yippee. There’s a new mother. She loves them as a mother would. They love her as a child would. The conditions are set for another attempt at separation individuation. A replay, a reenactment of the early dynamics that have failed with the original mother. Now the narcissist will try to separate from you his new mother. And by doing so, and when you act as a secure base,
23. 14:21 the narcissist will then individuate, become an individual, grow up, become an adult, happy ending. That’s the general idea of the shared fantasy. But how does the narcissist know that you’re not faking faking it? I mean, you’re now the narcissist’s mother. Yes, we are past the stage of dual mothership. He is your mother, you’re his mother. Okay, great. How does he know that you’re not faking it? That you’re not, I don’t know, a gold digger. How does he know that you are truly a good mother? How the narcissist will then individuate, become an individual, grow up, become an adult, happy ending. That’s the general idea of the shared fantasy. But how does the narcissist know that you’re not faking faking it? I mean, you’re now the narcissist’s mother. Yes, we are past the stage of dual mothership. He is your mother, you’re his mother. Okay, great. How does he know that you’re not faking it? That you’re not, I don’t know, a gold digger. How does he know that you are truly a good mother? How
24. 14:59 does he know that you are not exactly like his original mother and that you will not let him separate? How does he know that you will not hurt him the way his original mother hurt him? How does he know that he’s going to succeed this time? How does he know? In other words, that you love him unconditionally, the way a mother should, the way a good mother should. A good mother who loves her child lets the child go. That is something that many mothers fail in. Good mother, good motherhood is not does he know that you are not exactly like his original mother and that you will not let him separate? How does he know that you will not hurt him the way his original mother hurt him? How does he know that he’s going to succeed this time? How does he know? In other words, that you love him unconditionally, the way a mother should, the way a good mother should. A good mother who loves her child lets the child go. That is something that many mothers fail in. Good mother, good motherhood is not
25. 15:33 about keeping the child. It’s about pushing the child away, letting the child go, separating from the child, allowing the child to experience the world, the world without maternal presence, without maternal guidance, allowing the child to experience losses and pain, to fail. These are crucial engines of personal growth and development. So that’s what a good mother does. The narcissist asks himself unconsciously, “How do I know she is this kind of mother? Maybe she’s a bad mother. Maybe about keeping the child. It’s about pushing the child away, letting the child go, separating from the child, allowing the child to experience the world, the world without maternal presence, without maternal guidance, allowing the child to experience losses and pain, to fail. These are crucial engines of personal growth and development. So that’s what a good mother does. The narcissist asks himself unconsciously, “How do I know she is this kind of mother? Maybe she’s a bad mother. Maybe
26. 16:08 she will keep me captive. Maybe she will never let me go. How do I know that? I need to test her. I need to test the quality of her motherhood.” And that’s what he does. He tests you. He tests you by abusing you. He abuses you. He cheats on you. Sometimes he verbally abuses you, psychologically abuses you, sometimes physically. It’s very rare, but he abuses you in a variety of ways. And the abuse escalates. It becomes egregious. It becomes overpowering, all-consuming, all pervasive, ubiquitous. The abuse takes she will keep me captive. Maybe she will never let me go. How do I know that? I need to test her. I need to test the quality of her motherhood.” And that’s what he does. He tests you. He tests you by abusing you. He abuses you. He cheats on you. Sometimes he verbally abuses you, psychologically abuses you, sometimes physically. It’s very rare, but he abuses you in a variety of ways. And the abuse escalates. It becomes egregious. It becomes overpowering, all-consuming, all pervasive, ubiquitous. The abuse takes
27. 16:47 over. The aim is to test the quality of your motherhood. If you stick around after this, after all this abuse, if you stick around, if you never abandon him, if you never let go, if you never walk away, you’re a good mother. It’s a test. Exactly like auditioning. It’s auditioning phase two. If you remain in the relationship despite everything the narcissist is doing to you, it means that you love the narcissist unconditionally. It means that you’re a good mother. It means that the narcissist can move on to over. The aim is to test the quality of your motherhood. If you stick around after this, after all this abuse, if you stick around, if you never abandon him, if you never let go, if you never walk away, you’re a good mother. It’s a test. Exactly like auditioning. It’s auditioning phase two. If you remain in the relationship despite everything the narcissist is doing to you, it means that you love the narcissist unconditionally. It means that you’re a good mother. It means that the narcissist can move on to
28. 17:24 the next stage which is separation individuation. Narcissistic abuse therefore is actually a the next stage which is separation individuation. Narcissistic abuse therefore is actually a